American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 3 - The Census of the Lambs - full transcript
Stan and Hayley compete in collecting data for the US Census; Klaus has Steve and his friends model for his new camera.
TELEPHONE RINGS
McManahan Industries.
There's no Tasha here, pal.
Oh! You mean, Tasha Flunchen,
supermodel and international
party girl!
This is she.
Berco, best agent in the biz!
What you got for me?
Runway work? Victoria's Secret?
Don't lie to me,
am I the new face of Grape Nuts?
Actually, Tasha, I called
to wish you a happy 28th birthday.
You are sweet as candy!
And to let you know
that we're dropping you.
Eat shit and die, Berco!
I'm sorry, baby. You're 28.
The camera doesn't love you
any more!
It's your time to shine, Nadia.
CAMERAS CLICKING
WAVES CRASHING
CAMERA CLICKING
CAMERA CLICKS
No!
SOBBING
GULPING AND CRYING
RETCHING AND SOBBING
That was my lasagne, bro!
I cooked it for the Langley Falls
lasagne competition!
It's really good.
You probably would've won.
ROGER RETCHES
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...
# Good morning, USA
# Good morning, USA! #
ROGER SOBBING
CONTINUES SOBBING
I'm so sad, leave me alone!
Roger, I'm trying to meditate!
Are you crying?
No, why, do...
do you think you heard something?
What happened in here?
My modelling career is over!
The camera doesn't love me any more.
No-one loves me any more.
So you only feel good about yourself
if strangers love you?
You know it!
Ever since Tasha was discovered
at the age of 14
in the mall food court,
innocently going to town
on that big old corn dog.
Listen, I've been going to this
meditation centre for a while,
and, well, er, it's given me
so much clarity.
I'm sure you've heard people
talking about it around the house.
Yeah, I think
I heard Klaus mention something.
Why don't you come down
to the meditation centre with me?
I think it could really help you
learn to love yourself.
I love myself all the time!
At least once in the morning and
usually right before I go to sleep.
Well, sounds like
your afternoon's wide open.
Yeah, we can go
right after I jerk off!
Should...should we turn on the TV?
I hope you guys are hungry,
cos I got us dinner reservations!
We're gonna try something new
and exciting...sushi!
Geez, Francine, we just tried
Stromboli two years ago.
Can you let us
catch our damn breath?
Oh, please, Stan.
You know I've been wanting to get
more culture in our lives.
Culture? I thought you said you
wanted more vulture in our lives.
I'll go, but you'll have to figure
out what to do with these gentlemen.
SLURPING
IN A BRITISH ACCENT: It's all right.
We have tickets to the theatre,
and if we don't leave now,
we shall miss the curtain.
I'll have Marcus bring up the car.
SLURPING
IN A BRITISH ACCENT:
Marcus is another bird.
CONTINUES SLURPING
I'm so nervous.
What if everyone notices me
and calls me names?
What if one of the names
is Piss Head?
Roger, this place
is about removing anxiety.
They love me
and they're gonna love you.
OK. Welcome, everyone.
I hope I'm not being too forceful.
You're fine.
I'm Chad, this is Gina,
and this is a giant crystal.
The three of us
will be guiding you today.
Oh,
looks like we have some new faces.
Hi. Hi. Welcome. Welcome.
Hello. Hi. Hi.
Hello. Welcome. Welcome.
Hi. Hello.
Are you...
are you waiting for me to respond?
Hi. Hello.
Mm. Welcome.
Now, let's all close our eyes
and breathe in deeply.
Then breathe out, letting the air
and all your worries evacuate.
BOTH INHALE THEN EXHALE
ALL INHALE AND EXHALE
Remember, each and every
one of you is perfect.
Except for Dave. Where's Dave?
Your credit card was declined,
so you have to go.
What a dick.
BOTH: Irasshaimase!
Whoa! What was that?!
They're just greeting us.
Oh.
Wassup!
Wassup!
Wassup!
No menus.
If I wanted to read,
I'd eat at the library, but I can't.
I got banned for getting mustard
on the Guinness Book
Of World Records.
Why don't I start you with a
California roll and some forks?
This place is Japanese, right?
Maybe one of these dudes
can fix my old Walkman.
The California roll.
It looks weird.
This is amazing!
My stomach is jealous of my mouth
for getting it first!
We must understand it!
Seaweed, cucumber...
Maggots? To bind it together?
That's rice.
Of course! Rice!
The rich man's maggots!
Garcon!
Who is responsible for this sushi?
We must tell him that, like seeing
cherry blossoms on a still lake,
his food is greater
than the sum of its parts.
Or like the Mighty Morphin
Power Rangers
once they've morphed
into the Megazord.
I must learn the chef's secrets.
Unfortunately, Chef Haruki will tell
no-one the secrets of his trade.
Not even his own son.
Nonsense, Hisashi!
Anyone who compares my sushi
to the Megazord obviously has
the finest taste and has earned
the right to know my secrets.
What?!
Come back tomorrow,
and I will teach you
all there is to know about sushi.
No way I'm gonna sleep tonight!
Too pumped.
Mind if I just wait around outside
till you're open?
Never mind,
you don't own the sidewalk.
I don't need your permission.
You're not the boss of me!
Until tomorrow!
Hayley, I am pumped
to do some introspection today.
I'm so glad you love this place
as much as I do, Roger.
Hey, Molly!
OK. Hi, Ragi! So good to see you!
It fills me with such light
to see you, Molly.
Roger, have you been
coming here without me?
Roger: Hmm, have I?
Welcome back, everyone.
Namaste.
ALL: Namaste, Ragi-Baba.
Oh, looks like we have a new face.
What's your name?
Me? Ah, hell, no!
He's taking over the whole place!
Oh, good, at least I can take this
class taught by Dalton Galloway.
Oh, Hayley, does Dalton Galloway
sound like a real person to you?
Grow up. It's me!
Why is Ragi-Baba
teaching all the classes?!
Well, it's his
meditation centre now.
Wait, you sold him the centre?
LAUGHING
No, we didn't sell it to him.
He took it from us.
Hayley, you must understand
it's very easy
to take over a meditation centre.
We're very passive people.
You should have seen the pussies
we pushed out of here.
People always ask me,
what is the secret to enlightenment?
And I always tell them,
"You must give yourself permission
to be enlightened."
That is so wise.
Thanks, tits.
You need to stop this right now!
You're the one who said
I should meditate. Yeah, meditate!
Not take over the entire meditation
centre and make it all about you!
I see what's up.
You're frustrated because I mastered
meditation in one week
and you're still super bad at it.
No, I'm mad because this place
is a sanctuary for me,
and you're gonna ruin it!
IN THE VOICE OF QUASIMODO:
Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
LAUGHS
What is that?
Is that from a movie?
Is that from history?
I don't know, it...it's something.
Anyway, relax, Hayley.
This place ain't changing a bit.
Oh, look, the statue's here.
Perfect. Light it up!
FLAMES SIZZLING
ORIENTAL MUSIC
Welcome to training.
I see you have brought
your own uniforms.
We didn't want to show up looking
like a bunch of assholes,
so I hopped on Amazon.
Mine's supposed to be
for an American Girl doll,
but you don't have to tell them
why you're buying it. OK.
Now, the first thing we do
is wash the day's rice.
On it!
Oh, yeah!
TAP RUNNING
SOBBING
Oh, no! W...what is it, Haruki?
Have we dishonoured you?
No. You have dishonoured the rice.
The rice is the most
important ingredient in sushi.
If even a single grain is
mistreated, the meal will be ruined.
Are you...?
Massaging the rice? Hai.
That must make it feel so special.
It does, but to be safe, you must
then tell it that it is special.
You are a beautiful grain of rice.
I would very much like to marry you.
This will be the perfect place
to learn my father's secrets.
THEY BOTH SIGH
BOTH: Bazinga.
Whenever the cucumber
shipment is late,
I like to look at a picture
of my son's mother.
She was the love of my life
and an amazing prostitute.
Our next guest today on Mimosa
is Langley's leading spiritual guru,
a best-selling author
and the on-set meditation coach
for the cast of Nashville.
Please welcome Ragi-Baba!
MUSIC PLAYS
# Woo, woo, woo, woo, he's the man
# Ragi-Baba!
# Woo, woo, woo, woo... #
Trish, Sues, thanks for having me.
Now, before we begin, I just
wanna set the record straight.
I'm no guru.
Call me whatever's above that.
THEY ALL LAUGH
IN THE VOICE OF QUASIMODO:
Sanctuary!
LAUGHING
Th...that's something, right?
W...what is that?
SIREN BLARES
Uh-oh!
It looks like we've got a 'bush!
CROWD CHANTING:
Ambush, ambush, ambush, ambush!
Ah, snap, this is a talk-show
ambush! That's right!
We have someone who claims
they have dirt on you!
Please welcome Hayley Smith!
AUDIENCE CLAPPING
Thanks, Trish or Sues.
I'll get right to the dirt.
Ragi-Baba claims to be a selfless
meditation guru, but look,
he's actually only doing it
for the attention,
not unlike a certain
vapid supermodel I know.
What does Ragi-Baba have to do with
pear-shaped beauty Tasha Flunchen?
Yeah, Hayley, those two people
couldn't be more different!
Except they're both beautiful
and went to Bowling Green.
Look at the photos, Ragi!
Admit it.
You're just in it for the fame.
Oh, my God, you're right.
In trying to find myself...
Can I get a light change?
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS
In trying to find myself...
A little music would be nice.
SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
In trying to find myself,
I put all my stock
in how others view me,
no different than proud Bowling
Green Falcon, Tasha Flunchen.
That is why I, Ragi-Baba, am gonna
do the only thing there is to do.
I'm going to go
into the mountains to be alone
and finally find
validation from within.
LIGHT CLICKS
MUSIC STOPS
Well, that was fun.
Now let's check back in with Curtis,
our smoothie expert,
and see how it's coming along!
BLENDER WHIRRING
I should probably watch this.
ON THE TV:
I like to throw a banana in there,
really gives it that banana taste!
ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
Remember to be patient.
The right fish will find us.
There!
Whoa! That's a beauty!
CRYING
No! Haruki, please, don't cry!
What is wrong with the fish?
To my eye, it is
the freshest in the market.
Let the chefs who do not
have our skill use the best fish.
The secret to great sushi
is bad fish.
Only then can the chef
truly have influence on it.
Oh, duh.
There, a rotting trout!
FLIES BUZZING
Shall we buy it, Master Haruki?
Wait, why?!
I've always wanted to know
why you buy rotten fish!
Oh, did, er,
you guys hear something?
Er, is the wind talking?
(He hates when I do this.)
Hayley, do you really think you're
gonna be able to find Roger up here?
I have to try.
I...I feel so guilty.
It's my fault he came up here,
and I...I just want
to make sure he's OK.
Huh, I wonder if any
of those people know where he is.
Hayley! Thank God.
You've got to get me out of here!
Roger, what is this place?
This place?
HE SCOFFS
It's a self-sustaining collective
utopia that was built in my honour.
It's horrible.
Come on, I'll show you around.
I think there's a meditation room
somewhere over there.
Organic farm over there.
They built a hydroelectric dam
or something over there.
This is amazing. Look at all
these people living in harmony!
FOLLOWERS: There he is!
Ragi-Baba!
I shut the hell up,
just like you instructed.
And when I did, I was finally
able to listen to my son!
We're talking again!
Ragi-Baba, I left you alone
for five goddamn minutes,
just like you asked!
Now may I have your holy touch?
Touch me!
Touch me!
I'm not touching anybody!
Now, leave me alone!
Roger, this is incredible!
You're actually helping
these people!
Who cares if I'm helping them?
The whole point of this
was to help me!
Oh, God.
Is that...?
Poison punch?
Yes, it's poison punch.
You can't kill your followers!
Jeff, can you hand me
my shaman stick, please?
WHACK
Ragi-Baba, thank you
for stick blessing my wife.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS
Jeff, you've got to untie me!
Whoa, Jeff, buddy,
you're on punch duty.
Sorry, babe, my hands are tied.
Ha! Your hands are tied!
We're perfect for each other!
HAYLEY SIGHS
Roger, you don't have
to kill your followers!
Have you meditated on this?
Meditation?
Isn't that phoney-baloney?
Phoney-baloney?!
Roger, you're one of the country's
leading experts on meditation!
I was faking!
I would just close my eyes
and try to remember
all the Road Rules cast members.
You got Ibis, you got Theo...
Roger! Now is the time
to try meditation for real.
I promise it will help.
OK, but no funny business.
A lot of lives are at stake here.
ORIENTAL MUSIC
STAN: He hates it!
You...
..have mastered the art of sushi.
Oh, thank God!
As a token of your achievement,
I grant you ownership
of this restaurant.
HISASHI: What?!
But I hoped one day
it would be mine.
I am sorry, Hisashi.
I would give you the restaurant
if I could,
but you must understand I have
already given it to Stan and Steve.
What will you do now, Haruki?
I bought an RV!
I'm finally taking this piece of
rice on the honeymoon it deserves.
OK, bye-bye!
ENGINE STARTS
HORN BEEPING
Don't worry, Hisashi.
We're gonna be totally cool bosses.
Like, very cool bosses.
I got to be honest with you,
Hisashi,
I don't think this is working out.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS
Hey, Jeff, make sure every cup
gets a pineapple and a cherry,
oh, and heaps of poison.
All right, Hayley, I'm all yours.
OK, just relax and breathe.
I don't think this is going to work,
but, OK.
INHALES AND EXHALES
It's working!
How did you...? What is happening?!
This must be enlightenment!
It feels so good!
MUSIC: 'Eventually'
by Tame Impala
# If only there could be
# Another way to do this
# Cos it feels like murder
# To put your heart through this
# I know I always said... #
Welcome to Nirvana.
I don't ever want to leave!
C...can we, like, live here?
You are welcome to stay
for all eternity.
But here, there is no living.
There is only being.
Being? What's that?
Being is nothing.
Being is everything.
OK, everything!
So that means you have Netflix,
right?
Cos I've been watching Cheers.
Like, from the beginning.
And I got to know if Carla and Coach
get together and do the nasty!
Carla and Coach?
That wasn't a storyline.
You had Sam and Diane,
then Sam and Rebecca.
And you can't forget Woody.
Who's Woody?
Who's Woody?!
Oh, my God, you have
so many good episodes ahead of you.
I mean, there's no replacing Coach,
but you know what?
I got to go back
and watch some Cheers.
Lawrence, come on, don't go!
Lawrence!
Oh, great! We lost Lawrence.
Look, this is
so much better than Earth.
No beginning, no end.
No birth, no death.
No birth?
But you do have birthdays, right?
I got to have my birthday week.
Ten days! Starts on a Friday.
One full weekend,
then four birthday weekdays,
then we pound out one more weekend.
Four brunches, bitch!
Eurgh, I miss brunch.
You know Blowbert
loves his Bloody Mary spicy.
Alan, you too?!
OK. You must stop encouraging
other spirits to leave.
And there is no brunch here!
No Netflix, no brunch,
and no birthdays.
OK, this place is bumming me out.
Time to go, Hayley.
What?! No, I'm staying!
You can't.
I'm pretty sure you're my plus one.
She's just my plus one, right?
Yeah.
All right, we outie!
Wait!
Aw, man,
now I'm stuck here with just Nathan.
You know, I just don't think
I could go another minute
without a soft pretzel.
HE GROANS
Sure, I could've stayed in nirvana.
I was definitely a natural,
but I would've had
to give up all my stuff.
Yeah, I think that's the lesson
I learned.
The most important thing in life
is stuff.
Thank you for teaching me that,
Hayley.
Next time I see you crying,
remind me not to care.
I wasn't crying, you were crying.
Oh, no, what's wrong, babe?
Hunchback of Notre Dame!
That's what the "sanctuary"
thing was from!
ORIENTAL MUSIC
BOTH: Domo arigato!
ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
STEVE SLURPING
Papa, is this contentment?
Yes, son.
A job well done
supplies contentment.
FRANCINE: Stan?! Steve?!
Are you up there?!
I stepped away
to get my Walkman fixed,
and you guys disappear for weeks?
What the BLEEP, dudes?
Bye! Have a great time!
Subtitles by TVT
McManahan Industries.
There's no Tasha here, pal.
Oh! You mean, Tasha Flunchen,
supermodel and international
party girl!
This is she.
Berco, best agent in the biz!
What you got for me?
Runway work? Victoria's Secret?
Don't lie to me,
am I the new face of Grape Nuts?
Actually, Tasha, I called
to wish you a happy 28th birthday.
You are sweet as candy!
And to let you know
that we're dropping you.
Eat shit and die, Berco!
I'm sorry, baby. You're 28.
The camera doesn't love you
any more!
It's your time to shine, Nadia.
CAMERAS CLICKING
WAVES CRASHING
CAMERA CLICKING
CAMERA CLICKS
No!
SOBBING
GULPING AND CRYING
RETCHING AND SOBBING
That was my lasagne, bro!
I cooked it for the Langley Falls
lasagne competition!
It's really good.
You probably would've won.
ROGER RETCHES
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...
# Good morning, USA
# Good morning, USA! #
ROGER SOBBING
CONTINUES SOBBING
I'm so sad, leave me alone!
Roger, I'm trying to meditate!
Are you crying?
No, why, do...
do you think you heard something?
What happened in here?
My modelling career is over!
The camera doesn't love me any more.
No-one loves me any more.
So you only feel good about yourself
if strangers love you?
You know it!
Ever since Tasha was discovered
at the age of 14
in the mall food court,
innocently going to town
on that big old corn dog.
Listen, I've been going to this
meditation centre for a while,
and, well, er, it's given me
so much clarity.
I'm sure you've heard people
talking about it around the house.
Yeah, I think
I heard Klaus mention something.
Why don't you come down
to the meditation centre with me?
I think it could really help you
learn to love yourself.
I love myself all the time!
At least once in the morning and
usually right before I go to sleep.
Well, sounds like
your afternoon's wide open.
Yeah, we can go
right after I jerk off!
Should...should we turn on the TV?
I hope you guys are hungry,
cos I got us dinner reservations!
We're gonna try something new
and exciting...sushi!
Geez, Francine, we just tried
Stromboli two years ago.
Can you let us
catch our damn breath?
Oh, please, Stan.
You know I've been wanting to get
more culture in our lives.
Culture? I thought you said you
wanted more vulture in our lives.
I'll go, but you'll have to figure
out what to do with these gentlemen.
SLURPING
IN A BRITISH ACCENT: It's all right.
We have tickets to the theatre,
and if we don't leave now,
we shall miss the curtain.
I'll have Marcus bring up the car.
SLURPING
IN A BRITISH ACCENT:
Marcus is another bird.
CONTINUES SLURPING
I'm so nervous.
What if everyone notices me
and calls me names?
What if one of the names
is Piss Head?
Roger, this place
is about removing anxiety.
They love me
and they're gonna love you.
OK. Welcome, everyone.
I hope I'm not being too forceful.
You're fine.
I'm Chad, this is Gina,
and this is a giant crystal.
The three of us
will be guiding you today.
Oh,
looks like we have some new faces.
Hi. Hi. Welcome. Welcome.
Hello. Hi. Hi.
Hello. Welcome. Welcome.
Hi. Hello.
Are you...
are you waiting for me to respond?
Hi. Hello.
Mm. Welcome.
Now, let's all close our eyes
and breathe in deeply.
Then breathe out, letting the air
and all your worries evacuate.
BOTH INHALE THEN EXHALE
ALL INHALE AND EXHALE
Remember, each and every
one of you is perfect.
Except for Dave. Where's Dave?
Your credit card was declined,
so you have to go.
What a dick.
BOTH: Irasshaimase!
Whoa! What was that?!
They're just greeting us.
Oh.
Wassup!
Wassup!
Wassup!
No menus.
If I wanted to read,
I'd eat at the library, but I can't.
I got banned for getting mustard
on the Guinness Book
Of World Records.
Why don't I start you with a
California roll and some forks?
This place is Japanese, right?
Maybe one of these dudes
can fix my old Walkman.
The California roll.
It looks weird.
This is amazing!
My stomach is jealous of my mouth
for getting it first!
We must understand it!
Seaweed, cucumber...
Maggots? To bind it together?
That's rice.
Of course! Rice!
The rich man's maggots!
Garcon!
Who is responsible for this sushi?
We must tell him that, like seeing
cherry blossoms on a still lake,
his food is greater
than the sum of its parts.
Or like the Mighty Morphin
Power Rangers
once they've morphed
into the Megazord.
I must learn the chef's secrets.
Unfortunately, Chef Haruki will tell
no-one the secrets of his trade.
Not even his own son.
Nonsense, Hisashi!
Anyone who compares my sushi
to the Megazord obviously has
the finest taste and has earned
the right to know my secrets.
What?!
Come back tomorrow,
and I will teach you
all there is to know about sushi.
No way I'm gonna sleep tonight!
Too pumped.
Mind if I just wait around outside
till you're open?
Never mind,
you don't own the sidewalk.
I don't need your permission.
You're not the boss of me!
Until tomorrow!
Hayley, I am pumped
to do some introspection today.
I'm so glad you love this place
as much as I do, Roger.
Hey, Molly!
OK. Hi, Ragi! So good to see you!
It fills me with such light
to see you, Molly.
Roger, have you been
coming here without me?
Roger: Hmm, have I?
Welcome back, everyone.
Namaste.
ALL: Namaste, Ragi-Baba.
Oh, looks like we have a new face.
What's your name?
Me? Ah, hell, no!
He's taking over the whole place!
Oh, good, at least I can take this
class taught by Dalton Galloway.
Oh, Hayley, does Dalton Galloway
sound like a real person to you?
Grow up. It's me!
Why is Ragi-Baba
teaching all the classes?!
Well, it's his
meditation centre now.
Wait, you sold him the centre?
LAUGHING
No, we didn't sell it to him.
He took it from us.
Hayley, you must understand
it's very easy
to take over a meditation centre.
We're very passive people.
You should have seen the pussies
we pushed out of here.
People always ask me,
what is the secret to enlightenment?
And I always tell them,
"You must give yourself permission
to be enlightened."
That is so wise.
Thanks, tits.
You need to stop this right now!
You're the one who said
I should meditate. Yeah, meditate!
Not take over the entire meditation
centre and make it all about you!
I see what's up.
You're frustrated because I mastered
meditation in one week
and you're still super bad at it.
No, I'm mad because this place
is a sanctuary for me,
and you're gonna ruin it!
IN THE VOICE OF QUASIMODO:
Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
LAUGHS
What is that?
Is that from a movie?
Is that from history?
I don't know, it...it's something.
Anyway, relax, Hayley.
This place ain't changing a bit.
Oh, look, the statue's here.
Perfect. Light it up!
FLAMES SIZZLING
ORIENTAL MUSIC
Welcome to training.
I see you have brought
your own uniforms.
We didn't want to show up looking
like a bunch of assholes,
so I hopped on Amazon.
Mine's supposed to be
for an American Girl doll,
but you don't have to tell them
why you're buying it. OK.
Now, the first thing we do
is wash the day's rice.
On it!
Oh, yeah!
TAP RUNNING
SOBBING
Oh, no! W...what is it, Haruki?
Have we dishonoured you?
No. You have dishonoured the rice.
The rice is the most
important ingredient in sushi.
If even a single grain is
mistreated, the meal will be ruined.
Are you...?
Massaging the rice? Hai.
That must make it feel so special.
It does, but to be safe, you must
then tell it that it is special.
You are a beautiful grain of rice.
I would very much like to marry you.
This will be the perfect place
to learn my father's secrets.
THEY BOTH SIGH
BOTH: Bazinga.
Whenever the cucumber
shipment is late,
I like to look at a picture
of my son's mother.
She was the love of my life
and an amazing prostitute.
Our next guest today on Mimosa
is Langley's leading spiritual guru,
a best-selling author
and the on-set meditation coach
for the cast of Nashville.
Please welcome Ragi-Baba!
MUSIC PLAYS
# Woo, woo, woo, woo, he's the man
# Ragi-Baba!
# Woo, woo, woo, woo... #
Trish, Sues, thanks for having me.
Now, before we begin, I just
wanna set the record straight.
I'm no guru.
Call me whatever's above that.
THEY ALL LAUGH
IN THE VOICE OF QUASIMODO:
Sanctuary!
LAUGHING
Th...that's something, right?
W...what is that?
SIREN BLARES
Uh-oh!
It looks like we've got a 'bush!
CROWD CHANTING:
Ambush, ambush, ambush, ambush!
Ah, snap, this is a talk-show
ambush! That's right!
We have someone who claims
they have dirt on you!
Please welcome Hayley Smith!
AUDIENCE CLAPPING
Thanks, Trish or Sues.
I'll get right to the dirt.
Ragi-Baba claims to be a selfless
meditation guru, but look,
he's actually only doing it
for the attention,
not unlike a certain
vapid supermodel I know.
What does Ragi-Baba have to do with
pear-shaped beauty Tasha Flunchen?
Yeah, Hayley, those two people
couldn't be more different!
Except they're both beautiful
and went to Bowling Green.
Look at the photos, Ragi!
Admit it.
You're just in it for the fame.
Oh, my God, you're right.
In trying to find myself...
Can I get a light change?
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS
In trying to find myself...
A little music would be nice.
SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
In trying to find myself,
I put all my stock
in how others view me,
no different than proud Bowling
Green Falcon, Tasha Flunchen.
That is why I, Ragi-Baba, am gonna
do the only thing there is to do.
I'm going to go
into the mountains to be alone
and finally find
validation from within.
LIGHT CLICKS
MUSIC STOPS
Well, that was fun.
Now let's check back in with Curtis,
our smoothie expert,
and see how it's coming along!
BLENDER WHIRRING
I should probably watch this.
ON THE TV:
I like to throw a banana in there,
really gives it that banana taste!
ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
Remember to be patient.
The right fish will find us.
There!
Whoa! That's a beauty!
CRYING
No! Haruki, please, don't cry!
What is wrong with the fish?
To my eye, it is
the freshest in the market.
Let the chefs who do not
have our skill use the best fish.
The secret to great sushi
is bad fish.
Only then can the chef
truly have influence on it.
Oh, duh.
There, a rotting trout!
FLIES BUZZING
Shall we buy it, Master Haruki?
Wait, why?!
I've always wanted to know
why you buy rotten fish!
Oh, did, er,
you guys hear something?
Er, is the wind talking?
(He hates when I do this.)
Hayley, do you really think you're
gonna be able to find Roger up here?
I have to try.
I...I feel so guilty.
It's my fault he came up here,
and I...I just want
to make sure he's OK.
Huh, I wonder if any
of those people know where he is.
Hayley! Thank God.
You've got to get me out of here!
Roger, what is this place?
This place?
HE SCOFFS
It's a self-sustaining collective
utopia that was built in my honour.
It's horrible.
Come on, I'll show you around.
I think there's a meditation room
somewhere over there.
Organic farm over there.
They built a hydroelectric dam
or something over there.
This is amazing. Look at all
these people living in harmony!
FOLLOWERS: There he is!
Ragi-Baba!
I shut the hell up,
just like you instructed.
And when I did, I was finally
able to listen to my son!
We're talking again!
Ragi-Baba, I left you alone
for five goddamn minutes,
just like you asked!
Now may I have your holy touch?
Touch me!
Touch me!
I'm not touching anybody!
Now, leave me alone!
Roger, this is incredible!
You're actually helping
these people!
Who cares if I'm helping them?
The whole point of this
was to help me!
Oh, God.
Is that...?
Poison punch?
Yes, it's poison punch.
You can't kill your followers!
Jeff, can you hand me
my shaman stick, please?
WHACK
Ragi-Baba, thank you
for stick blessing my wife.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS
Jeff, you've got to untie me!
Whoa, Jeff, buddy,
you're on punch duty.
Sorry, babe, my hands are tied.
Ha! Your hands are tied!
We're perfect for each other!
HAYLEY SIGHS
Roger, you don't have
to kill your followers!
Have you meditated on this?
Meditation?
Isn't that phoney-baloney?
Phoney-baloney?!
Roger, you're one of the country's
leading experts on meditation!
I was faking!
I would just close my eyes
and try to remember
all the Road Rules cast members.
You got Ibis, you got Theo...
Roger! Now is the time
to try meditation for real.
I promise it will help.
OK, but no funny business.
A lot of lives are at stake here.
ORIENTAL MUSIC
STAN: He hates it!
You...
..have mastered the art of sushi.
Oh, thank God!
As a token of your achievement,
I grant you ownership
of this restaurant.
HISASHI: What?!
But I hoped one day
it would be mine.
I am sorry, Hisashi.
I would give you the restaurant
if I could,
but you must understand I have
already given it to Stan and Steve.
What will you do now, Haruki?
I bought an RV!
I'm finally taking this piece of
rice on the honeymoon it deserves.
OK, bye-bye!
ENGINE STARTS
HORN BEEPING
Don't worry, Hisashi.
We're gonna be totally cool bosses.
Like, very cool bosses.
I got to be honest with you,
Hisashi,
I don't think this is working out.
CALM MUSIC PLAYS
Hey, Jeff, make sure every cup
gets a pineapple and a cherry,
oh, and heaps of poison.
All right, Hayley, I'm all yours.
OK, just relax and breathe.
I don't think this is going to work,
but, OK.
INHALES AND EXHALES
It's working!
How did you...? What is happening?!
This must be enlightenment!
It feels so good!
MUSIC: 'Eventually'
by Tame Impala
# If only there could be
# Another way to do this
# Cos it feels like murder
# To put your heart through this
# I know I always said... #
Welcome to Nirvana.
I don't ever want to leave!
C...can we, like, live here?
You are welcome to stay
for all eternity.
But here, there is no living.
There is only being.
Being? What's that?
Being is nothing.
Being is everything.
OK, everything!
So that means you have Netflix,
right?
Cos I've been watching Cheers.
Like, from the beginning.
And I got to know if Carla and Coach
get together and do the nasty!
Carla and Coach?
That wasn't a storyline.
You had Sam and Diane,
then Sam and Rebecca.
And you can't forget Woody.
Who's Woody?
Who's Woody?!
Oh, my God, you have
so many good episodes ahead of you.
I mean, there's no replacing Coach,
but you know what?
I got to go back
and watch some Cheers.
Lawrence, come on, don't go!
Lawrence!
Oh, great! We lost Lawrence.
Look, this is
so much better than Earth.
No beginning, no end.
No birth, no death.
No birth?
But you do have birthdays, right?
I got to have my birthday week.
Ten days! Starts on a Friday.
One full weekend,
then four birthday weekdays,
then we pound out one more weekend.
Four brunches, bitch!
Eurgh, I miss brunch.
You know Blowbert
loves his Bloody Mary spicy.
Alan, you too?!
OK. You must stop encouraging
other spirits to leave.
And there is no brunch here!
No Netflix, no brunch,
and no birthdays.
OK, this place is bumming me out.
Time to go, Hayley.
What?! No, I'm staying!
You can't.
I'm pretty sure you're my plus one.
She's just my plus one, right?
Yeah.
All right, we outie!
Wait!
Aw, man,
now I'm stuck here with just Nathan.
You know, I just don't think
I could go another minute
without a soft pretzel.
HE GROANS
Sure, I could've stayed in nirvana.
I was definitely a natural,
but I would've had
to give up all my stuff.
Yeah, I think that's the lesson
I learned.
The most important thing in life
is stuff.
Thank you for teaching me that,
Hayley.
Next time I see you crying,
remind me not to care.
I wasn't crying, you were crying.
Oh, no, what's wrong, babe?
Hunchback of Notre Dame!
That's what the "sanctuary"
thing was from!
ORIENTAL MUSIC
BOTH: Domo arigato!
ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
STEVE SLURPING
Papa, is this contentment?
Yes, son.
A job well done
supplies contentment.
FRANCINE: Stan?! Steve?!
Are you up there?!
I stepped away
to get my Walkman fixed,
and you guys disappear for weeks?
What the BLEEP, dudes?
Bye! Have a great time!
Subtitles by TVT