American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 2 - Paranoid Frandroid - full transcript

Aren't you nervous to find out
what you got on the history midterm?

CHUCKLES

I'm nervous about the time
that Cap'n Crunch box turned me on.

I KNOW I aced the midterm.

I got a smiley.

Ah, there she is.
Gather round, boys.

You're about to see my 4.0 face.

STEVE HYPERVENTILATES

SLOWLY: Are you OK, Steve?

SLOWLY: You don't look so hot.

Why are you talking like that?
SLOWLY: Too much Zoloft.



And I'm still so sad.

M-Mr Herschel,
I-I think there's been a mistake.

You put an "F" here on my test,

but forgot to add,
"antastic job, A-plus."

I was just as surprised as you,
Steve.

You're usually a big old nerd.
Wait! I see what happened here.

I was one question off
on the Scantron sheet. See?

Here, I'll just take it again
real quick and we...

Look, this vape pen isn't gonna
smoke itself behind the gym.

The "F" stands.
F, F, F, F, F, F. F! F!

TRANSLATION:

SCREAMING

Don't worry.
Barry know what to do!

SCREAMING CONTINUES



SLOWLY: Now it's just gonna take me
longer to finish freaking out.

SLOW SCREAM

# Good morning, USA

# I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day

# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face

# And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...

# Good morning, USA... #
Agh!

# Good morning, USA! #

Buck up, champ. One bad grade's
not the end of the world.

Look at your mother.
She's got a great life,

lives in a nice, big house,
and she had nothing but Ds.

Yeah. Double Ds.

PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC

The point is, it was just one little
mistake. You're gonna be fine.

You know what? Maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.

Now, bring that sweet
cinnamon noodle on over here.

It's tousling time.
Come here, you little rascal!

LAUGHTER
You're a little rascal,

is what you are.
Get that little rascal!

You little scamp, you. Now, get on
out of here, you little bastard.

HE CHUCKLES

Our greatest fear has come true.

Candyman has escaped the world
of the movies and entered ours?!

OK, my greatest fear has come true.
Grades are all Steve has.

If he loses that,
what'll he have left?

His dead-on Paul Hogan impression?

Sure, it kills now, but how much
longer is that gonna be relevant?

But you said it was no big deal.
I didn't want him to panic.

But what if it wasn't
just a mistake?

What if his grades start slipping?
What kind of life will he have?

The world will eat him alive.
Like Candyman?

Yes, Francine, like Candyman.

Steve's always been a soft,
sensitive little guy,

and I've always been there
to protect him.

And now, I have to
protect my boy once more...

from failure.

And I need to protect my girls...
from gravity.

PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC

SCREAMING

Hey, bud. Just popping in.
Oh, how's the schoolwork going?

Pretty good. I'm working
on my new history assignment,

a video presentation
on Charles Lindbergh.

Bachelor, Season One. Sick!

The first aviator to fly
nonstop from New York to Paris?

Oh! Oh, CHARLES Lindbergh. Sick!
And Roger's helping me out with it.

Gotcha!

Hey, Rog,
can you hit record on the camera?

ROGER SIGHS

STRAINING

I, Charles Augustus Lindbergh,
born February 4th, 1902,

have just flown my plane,
The Spirit of St Louis,

across the Atlantic Ocean.

It's a good thing Gene Siskel
was murdered by pirates,

cos this would've killed him.
I better step in.

Now, look, this is great, son,
but if you really want that A,

you're gonna have to go above and
beyond, really dazzle your teacher.

How do I do that?
Well, I could help you out.

That'd be great!

Roger, do you care if...?
I never cared, Steve.

Ah, this is a really hard one.
Yep, nope.

Gotcha!

Men's Ed Hardy "Death or Glory"
low-rise sneakers.

Colour - dragon smoke black.
Size - 14.

Now all I need is a body.

SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC

# These shiny shoes
will cure my blues

# Und chase the gloom away

# When I dress my body

# The one I'll have someday

# "Co-Ed Naked Volleyball"

# Is what my shirt will say

# And puka shells
will sure look swell

# Paired with a white gold chain

# I'll have no fear,
only joy and cheer

# And a square-cut stud
in my left ear

# When I dress my body,
I'll hear everybody say

# Hey, that's somebody,
not just anybody

# When I dress my body

# Someday...#

Klaus! What the hell?
I'm doing a thing in here!

It's my room! Why are you even...?
Get out!

My room, Klaus!
SHOUTS: Out!

Ahh! Fine!

# Someday. #

What better way to go
above and beyond than to get some

sweet aerial footage for your movie?
So, I borrowed a drone from work.

Dad, that's a Predator drone!
Eh, a drone's a drone.

I just got in there with my
Leatherman, yanked out the missiles,

tossed them in the everything
drawer in the kitchen. No big whoop.

Now, where's that car wash coupon?

Let's start with the scene
where I find out

my baby's been kidnapped and...
Actually, I made one other

super-cool change
I know you're gonna love.

Steve, meet the new star
of your history project.

The Rock...'s friend, Vin Diesel.
Still, technically, a star.

Uh, we're not actually friends.

Although we do own a couple
Long John Silver's together.

But that's not important. What's
important is this deathly ill child

has a dream,
and I'm gonna make it come true.

You told him I'm a Make-A-Wish kid,
didn't you?

Am I that far off, Steve?

What are we doing at the CIA?

Oh, just taking advantage of our...

top-secret soundstage!

This is where we filmed the moon
landing, the JFK assassination,

and Def Jam's How To Be A Player.

Wow! This is gonna be the most
epic history project ever!

You bet your ass it is.

Now, wait here. I'm gonna
go check on the script changes.

Script changes? What are...?
Apple box flyin' in!

Dino, let's put sticks on a half
apple and fly in a couple of C-47s

so I can jelly-roll
those Bob Denvers,

and put 'em on an apple box.
Hey! You can't touch that!

STEVE SIGHS
And you are?

Chuck Deptula, union gaffer,
but everybody calls me Cheese.

You seem to be a lot more helpful
now than you were the other day.

Now the International Brotherhood
of Film Grips, Session Drummers

and Pool Table Repairmen
has my back, scab. That's lunch!

Hmm... This still doesn't
feel like a guaranteed A.

Atlantic Ocean? Pacific's bigger.

Steve's teacher will find that
much more impressive.

I think maybe he'll care a little
bit more about historical accuracy.

Uh, if I didn't care
about historical accuracy,

would I have stolen
the actual Spirit of St Louis

from the Smithsonian?
What?!

The toughest part was convincing
the guard I came in with it.

Look,
to really impress your teacher,

we gotta make this thing big,
exciting, fun.

Wait, the Lindbergh baby died?!
Huge downer, Steve.

Yeah, but...
What if Lindbergh had a buddy,

like a dog or a monkey,
and the buddy dies instead?

I'm not sure...
You know what? Now I like the buddy.

Maybe Lindbergh brings him back
to life with the power of RC Cola!

We gotta work in some
product placement to cover costs.

Dad! This is my project, remember?
Hey, you're still in charge.

We're just here to help you.

We being DreamSmith Entertainment,
the production company I started

with the money
from your college fund.

I'll tell you one thing, Suit.

We've got non-union sound, so
the movie's gonna sound like shit!

Ow! Ooh!
That's lunch!

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.
GASPS

Hayley! The shoes are here!
The shoes, the shoes, the shoes!

But it said... How?

SOBBING

You know,
there is a 416 South Cherry Street.

Maybe it got delivered there
by mistake. As a matter of fact,

I once ordered a Garfield welcome
mat that never showed up, either.

Oh, I do so hope to someday hear the
story of the missing welcome mat (!)

Hey, I'm trying to help you out.
Then shut up and drive!

We shut down the set of Captain Ron
for six months back in '91.

Touchstone retaliated with full
fury. Friendships were destroyed,

marriages fell apart,
but, by God, we got three chairs

for every five men working.
Dino, you'd be standing right now.

Um, Cheese,
we're trying to film a scene.

Well, we're trying to eat lunch,
which we're allowed to do

anywhere on set.
Read the '85 agreement!

That's lunch! Come on, Dino.

Hey, man, this is for a sick kid.
Couldn't you be a little flexible?

Oh, so you think you can crap
all over us below-the-line people

just because you're the big star?
How dare you!

I'm gonna eat lunch in your trailer,
in your bed! Please join me!

I know I sound angry, but
please come! My God, you're ripped.

OK, everybody, back to one. And...

Are you worried this scene
is playing too heavy?

No, I'm not. And...

You sure you don't want
to bring in the monkey?

Yes, positive! And... action!

You fly the plane or the plane...
Cut!

Let's just bring the monkey in,
see what he does.

Dad! That's enough!
This is my project!

Oh, really? Because it sure
feels like I'm the one who's been

putting in all the effort.
I got you the soundstage,

I got you Vin Diesel,
I got you a monkey

who studied under the monkey
from Dunston Checks In!

SHOUTS: I didn't ask you to!

But you need me to,
if you want to get that A.

I'm sorry, son,
but you're no Charles Lindbergh.

You can't fly solo on this.
You're just not capable.

Nope, sorry.
I haven't got any packages lately.

Oh, well. It was a long shot.
Take her easy.

Hey, I'll take her
any way I can get her.

THEY CHUCKLE

That lying son of a bitch
has my shoes.

Klaus, that's ridiculous.

OK, we have no reason to...

Son of a bitch!

What the...?
Oh, you wanna get nuts?

Let's get nuts!

I brought so many bullets!

Ladies, gentlemen,
Steve's teacher, welcome.

You're not gonna believe your eyes

when you see what Steve Smith
was capable of doing all by himself.

Roll it!

WHISPERED: DreamSmith.

'Your head's in the clouds, boy.'

STAN MIMES WORDS
'That's no place for a man.'

'But what if it was, Pop?
What if it was?'

'I shall call my invention
the aeroplane,

'and I owe it all to RC Cola.'
DRINKS CAN TAB POPPING

GULPING

'Charles!
Our baby's been kidnapped!'

'I'll handle this.'
DRINKS CAN TAB POPPING

GULPING, SIGH

Hey, Boss, ain't you worried
Lindbergh will come for his bambino?

He is just one man.

One pilot...
with two fight attendants.

SCREAMING

Guards!

WHISTLES

SCREAMS, SPINE CRUNCHES

You got a bad altitude.

Good work, Gus.

But next time, you fly.

MUSIC: 'Fly'
by Sugar Ray

APPLAUSE

And now, let's meet the genius
behind this A-plus-calibre project,

Steve Smith.

What?
HE GASPS

The plane!

Can't do things on my own, can I?

Well, look who's flying solo now,
Dad!

At least Mom's still proud of me.

THUNDER CRACKS

Candyman's got me!

You gotta say my name
three times to free me!

SCREAMING

Now, just because you have
no idea how to fly a plane,

there's no need to panic.
You can make it to Paris.

You'll just have
to learn on the fly.

GIGGLES
Good one, Steve.

You've been cleared to laugh.
CHUCKLES

Well, I should probably figure out
what all these gauges are.

Air speed.
I'd say that one's self-explanatory.

This one...

Gonna come back to this one.
It's so foggy up here.

I hope I'm flying high enough.

DOLPHIN CHATTERS
STEVE GASPS

Ahh! Jeez, buddy! Got enough arms?

Pull up! Pull up!

Looks like white men CAN jump.

Looks like white men CAN jump.
What?

It's a famous novel, Steve.
Now, give me that flight stick.

Never!

Douglas, Douglas, Douglas...

All I want are my shoes.

I don't have your shoes. Please,
you, you can have my shoes. Here.

Do I look like the kind of fish
who would wear red shoes

when he someday
has the body of a man?!

House is clean. Only place
I haven't looked is this closet.

Thing's locked tight.
Open the closet, please, Doug.

I lost the key. Listen...
Open the closet!

I didn't take your stuff!

Then why is my Garfield mat
on your doorstep?!

It's Garfield! That's Amazon's
top-selling welcome mat!

Open the closet, Doug!
I can't! I swear to you!

I don't have the key! Please!
Open it, or I swear I'll shoot!

SCREAMING
KETTLE WHISTLING

SCREAMING

Oh... my... God.

There are no shoes in there.

We've inconvenienced an innocent man
and his guest.

MUFFLED PLEAS

You know, I'm not 100% sure
I ordered that welcome mat.

I might've just
put it on my wish list.

PHONE BUZZES
It's Jeff. He found your shoes

in the bush out front.
The bush! Of course!

KLAUS WHISTLES

Let go! I'm doing this on my own!
Why won't you just let me help you?

Because you're not helping me!
When you won't let me

do anything for myself,
you're actually standing in my way!

I am?

Yes! That's the...
Shh! I'm remembering something.

A lesson,
from a powerful film I once saw.

Don't leave me, Pop! I can't
do this without you by my side.

Oh, stop your foolishness, now.

Why, if you never let
a baby bird out of the nest,

it can't never take flight.
HE GROANS

Take flight,
Charles... Lindbergh, my son.

HEART MONITOR FLATLINES
SOBBING

Don't you see, Dad?
If you never let me try,

sure, I can't ever fail...
But you can't ever succeed, either.

Oh, I'm sorry, son.
Well, I'm sorry, too.

It was pretty stupid of me
taking off with this plane

and thinking I could make it
across the ocean all by myself.

FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM
Oh, my God! The Eiffel Tower!

I did make it to Paris!

AS PAUL HOGAN: Wanna bring us in
for a landing, mate?

Ha! Still got it!
But, actually, son, I realise now

that this is something
I have to let you do on your own.

What? No, wait!
I don't know how to land a plane!

White men CAN jump.

HE GROANS
I believe in you!

Merci!
SCREAMING

All right, son, you can do this.
Just mind those crosswinds.

Good, good. Easy on the throttle.
Pull back on the yoke.

That's it, now. Steady. Steady.

GASPS

My boy! What have I done?!
SOBBING

Ow! My bottom!
Steve! You're alive!

Can you believe I actually made it
all the way to Paris?

Well... no, because you didn't.

Looks like you must've gotten
turned around in the clouds,

cos that's that new amusement park
they opened

just outside Langley Falls.

Tell you what, son. From now on,

I'm gonna let you do things
for yourself.

But if you ever do want my help,
all you have to do is ask.

Maybe you can help me
wash my flight suit?

I really did a number on this thing
baling out of that plane.

A number five. That's two
number twos and a number one.

That sounds like the kind of help
a mother might give.

Have a great night!

Subtitles by TVT