American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - Santa, Schmanta - full transcript
Roger converts to Judaism and tries to make Hanukkah more popular than Christmas.
LIFT DINGS
CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
Sir, what's with all the hubbub?
Smith, why are you wearing the same
basic bitch tie you wear everyday?!
Now I'm going to have to cut
you from the fashion show.
What fashion show?
The one we have every year
after Father's Day.
This year's theme...
Flex, flaunt, shimmy and shake, all
the way down to the Langley lake!
You know, I didn't actually
think of a theme.
Here comes Duper, in what's sure
to be the dad look of summer.
A big dog T-shirt, jorts
and a socks-Crocs combo!
CHEERING
But... but that would mean
yesterday was Father's Day.
This is impossible!
My family forgot to celebrate... me.
Well, here's something
no-one will ever forget.
MUSIC: 'Peaches And Cream' by 112
CHEERING
# Gettin' freaky
In my Bentley limousine
# It's even better when it's with
Ice cream
# Know what I mean
Peaches and cream...
Yeah!
# It tastes so good to me. #
Yeah!
One day the world's gonna see...
..Dick's got just as much to offer
on the inside
as he does on the backside.
Yeah!
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be
A wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say
# Good morning, USA
# Good morning, USA. #
So, then I told him that I hadn't
talked to my brother in years,
but my relationship with my
dry cleaner has never been stronger.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my... home runs today, Roger!
Dad, did you hear Roger's story?
Yeah, it was... kinda funny.
OK... So, um... how was work?
Oh, did they figure out
if those twin agents you hate
died in that botched mission?
No. Rich and Mitch are still
just missing.
Dad, what's going on?
You forgot Father's Day!
What?
Bullock banished me to the lame
dad room. Do you know where that is?
It's the old haunted bathroom
that nobody uses any more
because ghosts are coming out
of the goddamn toilet!
And going up butts!
Father, I failed you!
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
I've been so obsessed with corduroy,
my whole weekend just slipped away.
Hey, what if we pretend tomorrow
is Father's Day?
I don't know.
Come on, you name it,
we'll give you your perfect day!
Ah, I guess that could work.
PHONE RINGS
Smith.
That's unfortunate.
Thanks for calling.
This day is... turning around!
The twins are dead!
# Rich and Mitch were found
In a ditch, doo-da, doo-da
# Sorry, Mrs Jankovic,
Your stupid sons are dead. #
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
'Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie coming
at you two days after Father's Day.
'That's 363 days
'or 8,712 hours or 522,720 minutes
until the next Father's Day.
'And 22 seconds
until I take the pills
'that aren't helping
my crippling OCD. OCD, OCD, OCD.
'Now, here's an oldie,
but a groovy.'
MUSIC: 'Scatman' by Scatman John
"For my meal, I would like
a Thanksgiving dinner."
"For my entertainment, anything."
Yes!
"For my present,
a home-made bird house.
"Thinking about becoming
a bird guy."
Happy Father's Day!
Bird house is coming along great.
Of course, the city inspector's
riding me about zoning laws
and my electrician's putting me
through the whole rigmarole.
Steve, you've made peace with
never being with a woman, right?
Uh, yeah!
Hey, Dad. Just trying to find lyrics
to rhyme with 'my pops is tops.'
Well, I admire a good karate chop.
Find something there.
Thanks-for-giving us
a second chance, honey.
Leave it, it's your day.
A ground-breaking
open concept bird house.
You can see everything
from the stove.
Not bad, son. I'd say
this house is... for the birds.
Ha-ha-ha.
We've got turkey, stuffing,
mashed potatoes...
Mmm. You know exactly what I want.
But you don't seem to know
that I want it from Boston Market.
Still, looks great.
# You're the corduroy of dads
# The best one I've ever had
# I wrote this song for you, Daddy
# I wrote this song for you-ou-ou-ou
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
# Yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
Good job, honey.
Kinda reminds me of early Dylan.
Like, really early. Before
he learned how to play the guitar.
But I loved it!
What a great day, Stan.
For you, not me.
That guy on the bus
got in my face AGAIN.
And I just finally lost it...
Yeah, it was a nice day.
Guess the family proved
they really do care.
Are you... kidding me?!
They forgot Father's Day!
And they covered for it with
a B-minus celebration on a Tuesday?!
"Oh, hey, sorry for feeding you
dog shit,
"allow us to wash it down
with some RC Cola."
Roger, why do you always have to be
the little devil
on peoples' shoulder?
Whoa, whoa, hang on, Klaus,
Roger may have a point. Stan?
Well, I guess
it could've been better.
Little devil?
More like Little Debbie.
Cos I give some SWEET advice.
'Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie coming
at you two days after Father's Day.
'That's 363 days or 8,712 hours
'or 522,720 minutes
until the next Father's Day.'
"For my present,
a home-made bird house.
"Please not open concept."
Happy Father's Day!
Just getting ready to LAY
this pig down for your Luau dinner.
So, hoola at your girl!
Leave it...
It's my day.
Er, why is everyone acting like
it's yesterday?
Because I erased their memories so
they could relive the previous day,
giving them another shot
at a decent Father's Day.
You're groundhog day-ing the fam?
Wait, why didn't you
erase my memory?
Come on, bud,
you're not even on my radar.
So, the family has no idea they're
reliving yesterday's Father's Day?
Nope, their minds have been
whipped clean.
Whi-whipped clean. Whipped...
whipped clean.
Wh-why can't I say this?
I got. Their minds
have been whipped cream.
I feel like we're building
to the point
where you tell us how you did this.
Are we?
We are!
The CIA was having...
Wait, Stan, how long is this story?
I just wanna know,
do I sit, do I stand?
Medium long.
Ah, lean. Yeah, I'll lean. Continue.
The CIA was...
No, gonna sit, gonna sit.
You seemed real unsure
about your answer.
Well, don't let me interrupt you.
The CIA was having a yard sale...
Just gonna lie down to play it safe.
The CIA had to have a yard sale
for the same reason
anyone has a yard sale.
To make an ass-load of money.
PHONE ALERT
"Got my dream part
in the school play."
Signed the "Sweetest boy in Oz."
Ah, this is not how
I wanna remember my son.
You don't have to. Just use this.
It's a memory neutraliser.
Flashes a light that wipes
the last 24 hours from your memory.
I use it on myself every time
I watch The Nutty Professor.
That way, I get as hard as I did
the first time.
So, after an OK
but not perfect Father's Day,
I decided to use it on the family.
Wait, what happened to Roger?
He went on a vape run, bro.
The house was dangerously low on
Vanilla Vacation.
Stan, what you're doing
feels very unfair to the family.
What's unfair is they forgot
Father's Day.
This whole thing
is supposed to be a make up.
And they haven't quite made up.
I just know they're gonna
nail it today.
Almost done with the bird house.
Hey, the skylight you wanted,
it can be just painted on, right?
'Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie coming
at you two days after Father's Day.'
MUSIC: 'Trouble With Dreams'
by Eels
# There's nothing that
I want to do...
'Rockin' Ronnie
coming at you two days...
'Rockin' Ronnie
coming at you two days...'
# Trouble with dreams is
They don't come true...
'Rockin' Ronnie coming at you
two days after Father's...
'Good morning.'
# You don't need a thing from me
# But I need something big
From you...
'Good morning. Good morning.
Good morning.'
LAUGHS
# I'm walking down a lonely road...
'Good morning.
'OCD, OCD, OCD.
'Now, here's an oldie,
but a groovy.'
# When to hold on, when to let go. #
'Here's an oldie, but a groovy.
'Groovy. Groovy.'
ELECTRIC GUITAR
Steve, where have you been?
You've missed five weeks of school.
I don't know what's going on here,
Mr Smith, but I'm gonna...
Why am I...
Once more.
Again.
And one for your mother.
We need to talk, bro.
Not now, Klaus,
I have to top off the Pert Plus
and reset all the radio recordings
so they have a chance
to make tomorrow perfect.
Dude, you've lost it.
Tomorrow. I'm sure tomorrow
will be the perfect Father's Day.
'It is my privilege
to welcome our nominee'
for President
of the United States,
Senator Vincent Thacker.
Thank you. And with the help of my
running mate, Senator Bill Sturgess,
we can get this country
back on track!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just got off the phone
with the Post.
Tomorrow, they're running an expose.
Some back alley deal
you cut with Tetradual.
Are you hearing me? It's over!
What?
What is that?
Mine!
Now it's mine!
Argh!
GUN SHOT
What is it, my child?
It has returned.
To destroy it,
we must return it to its source.
Shh, come with me. There's no time.
Damn, Steve! You wake up
camera ready, lucky dog!
Takes me hours to shake that
just-woke-up look.
No time for what?
And your morning voice
sounds clear as a sparrow.
Me? Forget about it!
No phone calls before noon.
Klaus, I have to get started
on my dad's present.
Damn, and no morning breath?
Do you sleep with mints
in your mouth?
Come on, you're wasting
valuable time!
Where'd all this come from?
Check the artist's signature.
Steve Smith?
I don't remember making this.
But that's my heart dotted 'I'.
And eyeballs on the esses
to make them look like scary snakes.
Here it is again.
Every night your dad
resets your memory
so every morning you think
it's Father's Day again.
And again!
Steve, you missed the story
of the boy in the volcano.
It rivetted the nation for months!
In the end, it turned out to be
just a goat in a Starter jacket.
Dad's not gonna get away with this.
Yeah, Dad's lost it.
Klaus, he's not your dad.
Well, well, well.
Dad!
No.
Looks like you got it all
figured out.
Why are you doing this to us?
Why, why, why, why, why,
why, why, why, why?
Because you guys can't give me
one decent day!
No matter how many chances
I give you!
Chances? What are you talking about?
'Good morning.'
Dad's been tricking us
into reliving Father's Day
every day for six months!
BOTH GASP
You brainwashed us?!
Oh, of course, make it about you!
Well, since you
won't remember this anyway,
I'll get everything out of my system
so I can wake up tomorrow
without being so cheesed off!
Go ahead, Steve, cry!
It'd be weirder if you didn't!
GASPS
Go ahead, Hayley, gasp!
It'd be weirder if you didn't!
Stan, enough!
Since when is anything
enough for you?!
For the last 20 years,
you just sit around
and wait for me to bring home money!
"I need rugs, I need bananas."
Stan, stop, before you say something
you'll regret.
Oh, I haven't even started!
MUSIC: 'Scatman' by Scatman John
# Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
# Yo da dub dub
# Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
# Yo da dub dub
I'm the Scatman
# Yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
# Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
# Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be
Bop bop bodda bope
# Bop ba bodda bope
# Be bop ba bodda bope
# Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be
Bop bop bodda bope
# Bop ba bodda bope
# Be bop ba bodda bope. #
MUSIC STOPS
You can stop feeling sorry
for yourselves
because this never happened.
Starting now!
Now!
Now, now, now, now, now, now!
Oh, Stan, when I was grabbing
a snack last night,
I 'accidentally' knocked
that thing off the counter.
Cos it wasn't on my radar.
I... er... er...
And I wasn't really getting a snack,
that mission was purely
to be a rascal.
Although I did reward myself
with a sleeve of Saltines
and four packs of Gushers.
Happy Father's Day.
Hey, guys. Er, I know you
didn't think my jokes earlier
were very funny.
Jokes?!
What you said was unforgivable!
You can't dissect comedy!
Anyway, I know you're
feeling a little down
so I made you one of my famous
apology cakes.
Just pretend SpongeBob is me.
And instead of having amazing
adventures under the sea,
he's sorry he insulted his family.
You don't understand.
We're never getting past this.
OK, I knew there was a small
chance the cake wouldn't work.
But maybe you'll find
this filling more persuasive.
You're all coming with me
to the CIA.
We have another memory eraser
and I'm gonna use it
to make you forget
all the things I said.
And the so-called gun incident.
There's another memory eraser?
It might be the only way
we can be a family again.
I think you can put down the gun,
Dad.
We all wanna forget.
ROGER: Ow!
Bad news, we sold the other
memory neutraliser.
No!
Wait, what's in the box, then?
Lil Angelo.
Oh, yeah, you missed
the CIA mascot elections.
Gretchin the guinea pig
ran a tight race,
but I think we're still a ways off
from electing a female mascot.
Dick, do you know who bought
the other neutraliser?
Yeah, got the receipt right here.
Some CIA collector in Ohio.
Ohio?
But we only have 24 hours from when
you said those things to get there.
Yeah, if we don't make it
by morning,
we're gonna remember all
the crap you said forever.
All the jokes.
Look, I know I hurt you guys,
but let me make it up to you.
Just because this is a day
you're all going to forget
doesn't mean it can't be a day
to remember... and then forget.
Can you just shut up
and focus on driving?
Yep, driving's pretty cool.
You, er, wanna give it a try, son?
What?
Yeah, you'll be driving soon.
Stan, leave him alone.
What? I'm doing something nice.
Father, son. Here, take the wheel.
CAR ACCELERATES
Ah!
It's just like
one of your video games.
The ultimate video game.
You only have one life.
Well, technically four lives.
Oh, guard rail.
SCREAMING
Please tell me you can fix this.
What makes you think I can fix...
Oh, because of the tow truck.
And the coveralls.
No, no, I'm not a mechanic,
I'm just a strange man.
Guys, we got one.
Everybody, thumbs out.
And look sexy. We don't know
who this is or what they're into.
TYRES SCREECH
The mouse can never resist
the cheese.
Hey.
Hey.
What?
What's your record for Tylenol PMs?
What do you mean?
What's the most you've ever taken?
I've done seven.
Stan, I think it's your turn
to ride shotgun.
Nonsense, my queen always rides
in front.
Hey.
Eight.
Hey. Hey.
We're good.
The place we're going
is just right up here.
One more...
MUMBLES
27.
Let me just say thanks
to our friend.
He's dead. We have ten minutes.
Don't get many visitors,
but I'm always happy
to show off my CIA memorabilia.
Whoa, Hayley, check it out.
The super crack we introduced
in the '80s.
Look, Steve, the real Jason Bourne.
How do I know how to do this?!
Dad, we only have four minutes.
I believe this is what you came for.
Now, let's talk about a fair price.
OK, we only got 30 seconds.
I'll just zap you and we can forget
about the worst day of our lives.
You know, I meant what I wrote
on the cake.
Bad dad... sad.
Ah, that's hot!
Steve, that was our last chance.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but we shouldn't forget this day.
Right. Because we made all
these great new memories today.
As a family. And that's the
true meaning of Father's Day.
Are you kidding me?
Today was a disaster!
But... but then... I'm screwed.
You're gonna hate me forever.
Yeah, we want you to feel that way.
Cos you've been working your ass off
all day to make things right.
It turns out the only thing
that makes you a good dad
is being a guilty dad.
Yeah, and that's the true meaning
of Father's Day.
No!
That's just a character flaw.
Noticing my flaws and my strengths.
Is that the true meaning
of Father's Day?
Dad, I'll explain it all
in the back of that guy's pick-up.
Or, better yet, why don't you drive?
You know what, guys? This is easily
one of my favourite Father's Days.
And Christmases.
Did you guys know it was Christmas?
Bye-bye, see you soon.
Subtitles by TVT
CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
Sir, what's with all the hubbub?
Smith, why are you wearing the same
basic bitch tie you wear everyday?!
Now I'm going to have to cut
you from the fashion show.
What fashion show?
The one we have every year
after Father's Day.
This year's theme...
Flex, flaunt, shimmy and shake, all
the way down to the Langley lake!
You know, I didn't actually
think of a theme.
Here comes Duper, in what's sure
to be the dad look of summer.
A big dog T-shirt, jorts
and a socks-Crocs combo!
CHEERING
But... but that would mean
yesterday was Father's Day.
This is impossible!
My family forgot to celebrate... me.
Well, here's something
no-one will ever forget.
MUSIC: 'Peaches And Cream' by 112
CHEERING
# Gettin' freaky
In my Bentley limousine
# It's even better when it's with
Ice cream
# Know what I mean
Peaches and cream...
Yeah!
# It tastes so good to me. #
Yeah!
One day the world's gonna see...
..Dick's got just as much to offer
on the inside
as he does on the backside.
Yeah!
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be
A wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say
# Good morning, USA
# Good morning, USA. #
So, then I told him that I hadn't
talked to my brother in years,
but my relationship with my
dry cleaner has never been stronger.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my... home runs today, Roger!
Dad, did you hear Roger's story?
Yeah, it was... kinda funny.
OK... So, um... how was work?
Oh, did they figure out
if those twin agents you hate
died in that botched mission?
No. Rich and Mitch are still
just missing.
Dad, what's going on?
You forgot Father's Day!
What?
Bullock banished me to the lame
dad room. Do you know where that is?
It's the old haunted bathroom
that nobody uses any more
because ghosts are coming out
of the goddamn toilet!
And going up butts!
Father, I failed you!
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
I've been so obsessed with corduroy,
my whole weekend just slipped away.
Hey, what if we pretend tomorrow
is Father's Day?
I don't know.
Come on, you name it,
we'll give you your perfect day!
Ah, I guess that could work.
PHONE RINGS
Smith.
That's unfortunate.
Thanks for calling.
This day is... turning around!
The twins are dead!
# Rich and Mitch were found
In a ditch, doo-da, doo-da
# Sorry, Mrs Jankovic,
Your stupid sons are dead. #
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
'Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie coming
at you two days after Father's Day.
'That's 363 days
'or 8,712 hours or 522,720 minutes
until the next Father's Day.
'And 22 seconds
until I take the pills
'that aren't helping
my crippling OCD. OCD, OCD, OCD.
'Now, here's an oldie,
but a groovy.'
MUSIC: 'Scatman' by Scatman John
"For my meal, I would like
a Thanksgiving dinner."
"For my entertainment, anything."
Yes!
"For my present,
a home-made bird house.
"Thinking about becoming
a bird guy."
Happy Father's Day!
Bird house is coming along great.
Of course, the city inspector's
riding me about zoning laws
and my electrician's putting me
through the whole rigmarole.
Steve, you've made peace with
never being with a woman, right?
Uh, yeah!
Hey, Dad. Just trying to find lyrics
to rhyme with 'my pops is tops.'
Well, I admire a good karate chop.
Find something there.
Thanks-for-giving us
a second chance, honey.
Leave it, it's your day.
A ground-breaking
open concept bird house.
You can see everything
from the stove.
Not bad, son. I'd say
this house is... for the birds.
Ha-ha-ha.
We've got turkey, stuffing,
mashed potatoes...
Mmm. You know exactly what I want.
But you don't seem to know
that I want it from Boston Market.
Still, looks great.
# You're the corduroy of dads
# The best one I've ever had
# I wrote this song for you, Daddy
# I wrote this song for you-ou-ou-ou
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
# Yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
Good job, honey.
Kinda reminds me of early Dylan.
Like, really early. Before
he learned how to play the guitar.
But I loved it!
What a great day, Stan.
For you, not me.
That guy on the bus
got in my face AGAIN.
And I just finally lost it...
Yeah, it was a nice day.
Guess the family proved
they really do care.
Are you... kidding me?!
They forgot Father's Day!
And they covered for it with
a B-minus celebration on a Tuesday?!
"Oh, hey, sorry for feeding you
dog shit,
"allow us to wash it down
with some RC Cola."
Roger, why do you always have to be
the little devil
on peoples' shoulder?
Whoa, whoa, hang on, Klaus,
Roger may have a point. Stan?
Well, I guess
it could've been better.
Little devil?
More like Little Debbie.
Cos I give some SWEET advice.
'Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie coming
at you two days after Father's Day.
'That's 363 days or 8,712 hours
'or 522,720 minutes
until the next Father's Day.'
"For my present,
a home-made bird house.
"Please not open concept."
Happy Father's Day!
Just getting ready to LAY
this pig down for your Luau dinner.
So, hoola at your girl!
Leave it...
It's my day.
Er, why is everyone acting like
it's yesterday?
Because I erased their memories so
they could relive the previous day,
giving them another shot
at a decent Father's Day.
You're groundhog day-ing the fam?
Wait, why didn't you
erase my memory?
Come on, bud,
you're not even on my radar.
So, the family has no idea they're
reliving yesterday's Father's Day?
Nope, their minds have been
whipped clean.
Whi-whipped clean. Whipped...
whipped clean.
Wh-why can't I say this?
I got. Their minds
have been whipped cream.
I feel like we're building
to the point
where you tell us how you did this.
Are we?
We are!
The CIA was having...
Wait, Stan, how long is this story?
I just wanna know,
do I sit, do I stand?
Medium long.
Ah, lean. Yeah, I'll lean. Continue.
The CIA was...
No, gonna sit, gonna sit.
You seemed real unsure
about your answer.
Well, don't let me interrupt you.
The CIA was having a yard sale...
Just gonna lie down to play it safe.
The CIA had to have a yard sale
for the same reason
anyone has a yard sale.
To make an ass-load of money.
PHONE ALERT
"Got my dream part
in the school play."
Signed the "Sweetest boy in Oz."
Ah, this is not how
I wanna remember my son.
You don't have to. Just use this.
It's a memory neutraliser.
Flashes a light that wipes
the last 24 hours from your memory.
I use it on myself every time
I watch The Nutty Professor.
That way, I get as hard as I did
the first time.
So, after an OK
but not perfect Father's Day,
I decided to use it on the family.
Wait, what happened to Roger?
He went on a vape run, bro.
The house was dangerously low on
Vanilla Vacation.
Stan, what you're doing
feels very unfair to the family.
What's unfair is they forgot
Father's Day.
This whole thing
is supposed to be a make up.
And they haven't quite made up.
I just know they're gonna
nail it today.
Almost done with the bird house.
Hey, the skylight you wanted,
it can be just painted on, right?
'Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie coming
at you two days after Father's Day.'
MUSIC: 'Trouble With Dreams'
by Eels
# There's nothing that
I want to do...
'Rockin' Ronnie
coming at you two days...
'Rockin' Ronnie
coming at you two days...'
# Trouble with dreams is
They don't come true...
'Rockin' Ronnie coming at you
two days after Father's...
'Good morning.'
# You don't need a thing from me
# But I need something big
From you...
'Good morning. Good morning.
Good morning.'
LAUGHS
# I'm walking down a lonely road...
'Good morning.
'OCD, OCD, OCD.
'Now, here's an oldie,
but a groovy.'
# When to hold on, when to let go. #
'Here's an oldie, but a groovy.
'Groovy. Groovy.'
ELECTRIC GUITAR
Steve, where have you been?
You've missed five weeks of school.
I don't know what's going on here,
Mr Smith, but I'm gonna...
Why am I...
Once more.
Again.
And one for your mother.
We need to talk, bro.
Not now, Klaus,
I have to top off the Pert Plus
and reset all the radio recordings
so they have a chance
to make tomorrow perfect.
Dude, you've lost it.
Tomorrow. I'm sure tomorrow
will be the perfect Father's Day.
'It is my privilege
to welcome our nominee'
for President
of the United States,
Senator Vincent Thacker.
Thank you. And with the help of my
running mate, Senator Bill Sturgess,
we can get this country
back on track!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just got off the phone
with the Post.
Tomorrow, they're running an expose.
Some back alley deal
you cut with Tetradual.
Are you hearing me? It's over!
What?
What is that?
Mine!
Now it's mine!
Argh!
GUN SHOT
What is it, my child?
It has returned.
To destroy it,
we must return it to its source.
Shh, come with me. There's no time.
Damn, Steve! You wake up
camera ready, lucky dog!
Takes me hours to shake that
just-woke-up look.
No time for what?
And your morning voice
sounds clear as a sparrow.
Me? Forget about it!
No phone calls before noon.
Klaus, I have to get started
on my dad's present.
Damn, and no morning breath?
Do you sleep with mints
in your mouth?
Come on, you're wasting
valuable time!
Where'd all this come from?
Check the artist's signature.
Steve Smith?
I don't remember making this.
But that's my heart dotted 'I'.
And eyeballs on the esses
to make them look like scary snakes.
Here it is again.
Every night your dad
resets your memory
so every morning you think
it's Father's Day again.
And again!
Steve, you missed the story
of the boy in the volcano.
It rivetted the nation for months!
In the end, it turned out to be
just a goat in a Starter jacket.
Dad's not gonna get away with this.
Yeah, Dad's lost it.
Klaus, he's not your dad.
Well, well, well.
Dad!
No.
Looks like you got it all
figured out.
Why are you doing this to us?
Why, why, why, why, why,
why, why, why, why?
Because you guys can't give me
one decent day!
No matter how many chances
I give you!
Chances? What are you talking about?
'Good morning.'
Dad's been tricking us
into reliving Father's Day
every day for six months!
BOTH GASP
You brainwashed us?!
Oh, of course, make it about you!
Well, since you
won't remember this anyway,
I'll get everything out of my system
so I can wake up tomorrow
without being so cheesed off!
Go ahead, Steve, cry!
It'd be weirder if you didn't!
GASPS
Go ahead, Hayley, gasp!
It'd be weirder if you didn't!
Stan, enough!
Since when is anything
enough for you?!
For the last 20 years,
you just sit around
and wait for me to bring home money!
"I need rugs, I need bananas."
Stan, stop, before you say something
you'll regret.
Oh, I haven't even started!
MUSIC: 'Scatman' by Scatman John
# Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
# Yo da dub dub
# Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
# Yo da dub dub
I'm the Scatman
# Yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
# Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
# Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be
Bop bop bodda bope
# Bop ba bodda bope
# Be bop ba bodda bope
# Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be
Bop bop bodda bope
# Bop ba bodda bope
# Be bop ba bodda bope. #
MUSIC STOPS
You can stop feeling sorry
for yourselves
because this never happened.
Starting now!
Now!
Now, now, now, now, now, now!
Oh, Stan, when I was grabbing
a snack last night,
I 'accidentally' knocked
that thing off the counter.
Cos it wasn't on my radar.
I... er... er...
And I wasn't really getting a snack,
that mission was purely
to be a rascal.
Although I did reward myself
with a sleeve of Saltines
and four packs of Gushers.
Happy Father's Day.
Hey, guys. Er, I know you
didn't think my jokes earlier
were very funny.
Jokes?!
What you said was unforgivable!
You can't dissect comedy!
Anyway, I know you're
feeling a little down
so I made you one of my famous
apology cakes.
Just pretend SpongeBob is me.
And instead of having amazing
adventures under the sea,
he's sorry he insulted his family.
You don't understand.
We're never getting past this.
OK, I knew there was a small
chance the cake wouldn't work.
But maybe you'll find
this filling more persuasive.
You're all coming with me
to the CIA.
We have another memory eraser
and I'm gonna use it
to make you forget
all the things I said.
And the so-called gun incident.
There's another memory eraser?
It might be the only way
we can be a family again.
I think you can put down the gun,
Dad.
We all wanna forget.
ROGER: Ow!
Bad news, we sold the other
memory neutraliser.
No!
Wait, what's in the box, then?
Lil Angelo.
Oh, yeah, you missed
the CIA mascot elections.
Gretchin the guinea pig
ran a tight race,
but I think we're still a ways off
from electing a female mascot.
Dick, do you know who bought
the other neutraliser?
Yeah, got the receipt right here.
Some CIA collector in Ohio.
Ohio?
But we only have 24 hours from when
you said those things to get there.
Yeah, if we don't make it
by morning,
we're gonna remember all
the crap you said forever.
All the jokes.
Look, I know I hurt you guys,
but let me make it up to you.
Just because this is a day
you're all going to forget
doesn't mean it can't be a day
to remember... and then forget.
Can you just shut up
and focus on driving?
Yep, driving's pretty cool.
You, er, wanna give it a try, son?
What?
Yeah, you'll be driving soon.
Stan, leave him alone.
What? I'm doing something nice.
Father, son. Here, take the wheel.
CAR ACCELERATES
Ah!
It's just like
one of your video games.
The ultimate video game.
You only have one life.
Well, technically four lives.
Oh, guard rail.
SCREAMING
Please tell me you can fix this.
What makes you think I can fix...
Oh, because of the tow truck.
And the coveralls.
No, no, I'm not a mechanic,
I'm just a strange man.
Guys, we got one.
Everybody, thumbs out.
And look sexy. We don't know
who this is or what they're into.
TYRES SCREECH
The mouse can never resist
the cheese.
Hey.
Hey.
What?
What's your record for Tylenol PMs?
What do you mean?
What's the most you've ever taken?
I've done seven.
Stan, I think it's your turn
to ride shotgun.
Nonsense, my queen always rides
in front.
Hey.
Eight.
Hey. Hey.
We're good.
The place we're going
is just right up here.
One more...
MUMBLES
27.
Let me just say thanks
to our friend.
He's dead. We have ten minutes.
Don't get many visitors,
but I'm always happy
to show off my CIA memorabilia.
Whoa, Hayley, check it out.
The super crack we introduced
in the '80s.
Look, Steve, the real Jason Bourne.
How do I know how to do this?!
Dad, we only have four minutes.
I believe this is what you came for.
Now, let's talk about a fair price.
OK, we only got 30 seconds.
I'll just zap you and we can forget
about the worst day of our lives.
You know, I meant what I wrote
on the cake.
Bad dad... sad.
Ah, that's hot!
Steve, that was our last chance.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but we shouldn't forget this day.
Right. Because we made all
these great new memories today.
As a family. And that's the
true meaning of Father's Day.
Are you kidding me?
Today was a disaster!
But... but then... I'm screwed.
You're gonna hate me forever.
Yeah, we want you to feel that way.
Cos you've been working your ass off
all day to make things right.
It turns out the only thing
that makes you a good dad
is being a guilty dad.
Yeah, and that's the true meaning
of Father's Day.
No!
That's just a character flaw.
Noticing my flaws and my strengths.
Is that the true meaning
of Father's Day?
Dad, I'll explain it all
in the back of that guy's pick-up.
Or, better yet, why don't you drive?
You know what, guys? This is easily
one of my favourite Father's Days.
And Christmases.
Did you guys know it was Christmas?
Bye-bye, see you soon.
Subtitles by TVT