American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 13 - Mean Francine - full transcript
Francine falls in with a group of tough girls after becoming the new school guidance counselor.
CREAKING
DRILLING,
DOG BARKING
GLASS SMASHING,
TRAIN WHISTLING
STEVE MOANING,
BABBLING
CATS SCREECHING,
ALARM BLARES
Please stay green, please.
Come on, come on!
Damn it!
TYRES SCREECH
Are we there?! Are we at camp?!
Almost, honey.
One effing light
in this craphole town,
and I hit it
every mother-loving year.
I can see the entrance!
You guys are so lucky
you get to live
next to the best place in the world.
Hey! That guy's got a sleeping bag!
Mom, maybe he needs a ride to camp!
Whole town's got the camp spirit.
Not too close to the fire, boys!
You'll burn your dogs!
But that's how my friend, Snot,
likes them!
We're finally in the big-boy cabin
this year!
Can you believe it?!
Oh, arts and crafts.
How long is this damn light?
# Big boys rule the camp, yeah
# Big boys rule the camp
# Tomahawk
DOG BARKING
# Big boys rule the camp, yeah
Big boys rule the camp, uh-huh
# The big boys rule the camp
The big boys rule the camp. #
That guy gets it.
WINDOW SHATTERS
STEVE: Ooh, free hammer!
Did anyone see that throw?
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be
A wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shinin' a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...
# Good morning, USA. Argh!
# Good morning, USA. #
CAMP LEADER:
I said-a boom, chicka boom.
CAMPERS:
I said-a boom, chicka boom.
ALL: I said a-boom, chicka rocka,
chicka rocka, chicka boom.
Oh, boy, Snotski.
Looks like someone was in such
a rush, he forgot his sleeping bag.
No matter, you can share mine.
We'll just sleep nose-to-nose,
keep our privates
at a respectful distance and our
faces mashed together, I guess.
Actually, Steve, I won't need
my own bedding this summer,
cos I have this.
Whoa, buddy!
Only counselors
are allowed to have whistles.
Wait.
Are you...?
A counselor-in-training.
My whistle's corked,
so you can't blow through it.
But Chief Danny says
if I do a good job
with the Lil' Apaches,
I'll get FULL whistle privileges.
How...'s it going, boys?
I tell ya, Steve,
every time I see you,
I just wanna give you a wedgie!
You've got a wedgie face.
Anyone ever tell you that?
I usually get "Ellen Page".
But I'm a big Cherokee now, so
I'll be the one giving the wedgies.
Actually,
no-one will be giving wedgies.
Thanks to a lawsuit that, until now,
I was sure you'd filed,
we have a zero-tolerance policy
for bullying.
I don't like it, personally,
but it's really helpful
for the wimps and the Polacks.
Why would you choose to be a CIT
instead of a camper?
If you're a CIT,
you don't have to pay.
It's the only way
I could afford to come this year.
I always forget how poor you are.
I drink generic milk.
It's grey and comes in a bag.
I think it's softening my bones.
But I promise you, nothing is
gonna change between us this summer.
Big boys rule the camp?
BOTH:
Yeah, big boys rule the ca...
I'm part of a class-action lawsuit.
You all laughed at me,
but I told you we needed
five newspaper subscriptions.
Happy anniversary, babe!
Oh, yeah, congratulations, you two!
Which anniversary is it?
Is it one?
Is it two?
Is it 69?
STAN LAUGHS
Well executed, Jeff.
You just earned yourself
one month of USA Today.
Anyway, we're gonna celebrate
by heading out to Burning Man.
I used to Burn. Got too corporate.
Now you gotta poo
in designated areas.
Anyhoo, how'd you get tickets?
I hear it's hard now.
Uh...
You didn't get tickets?
You told me
you were taking care of it!
AS JEFF: "I got it covered, babe."
Hey, don't get on
the naggin' wagon now.
Could've used that
when I forgot to get tickets!
Ugh! Way to ruin our anniversary!
69 years down the drain.
..which is how this camp
came to be built
on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Which tribe?
The, uh, whatever, kid.
They were friggin' Indians.
And some say their zombie chief
still haunts the camp.
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS
Whoa, whoa, Steve!
What's going on?
Just telling the Lil' Apaches here
the legend of the camp.
AS THE CRYPT KEEPER:
It's a great dead-time story.
EVIL LAUGH
OK, maybe that's not a good idea.
If you get 'em all riled up,
I'm the one that has to read 'em
an extra chapter of Super Fudge.
I thought this CIT stuff
wasn't gonna change us having fun.
It's not!
Look, let's hang at the rope swing
tomorrow after lunch,
just you and me.
What about them?
They'll be writing letters home
and playing with the iPads
they smuggle in. Right, guys?
We don't ALL have iPads.
LAUGHTER
My Etch-a-Sketch can do
something your iPad can't.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
Since you couldn't go
to Burning Man,
I brought Burning Man to you!
I'm giving you two
the best anniversary ever.
And tearing up my lawn!
It's a Burn, Stan.
The only limit...
..is your mind.
CRASH
And the property line.
I can't believe Snot stood me up.
I've wasted the whole day
flawlessly skipping stones.
Oh, no!
It's the man
from the other side of the lake!
Are these yours?!
Your stone hit me and my wife,
while we were making love!
You were alone over there.
That is one narrative!
'As far back as I can remember,
'I always wanted to be a counselor.'
Hey, what do you call 50 townies
at the bottom of a rock slide?
A good start!
LAUGHTER
Good one, chief!
Get you another Sprite?
I don't know, Snot.
Do townies eat their own shit?
LAUGHTER
'To me, being a counselor was better
'than being president
of the United States.
'It meant being a somebody
in a town full of nobodies.'
DOOR OPENS
STEVE: You guys get Sprite?!
Camper Steve?
What are you doing
in the counselor cabin?!
I'm sorry, chief.
Just a little misunderstanding.
Do you have any idea how long
I was waiting out there for you?
I'm sorry.
What happened to us
having fun together?
I have responsibilities now,
grown-up stuff.
That are more important than me?
Yes! I mean, sometimes...
Yes.
Oh.
OK. Look, Steve...
Apology accepted.
I wasn't apologising.
I was just gonna say
it's bedtime for you.
STEVE: What a dick.
I'm still here.
I wasn't talking to you.
This guy was talking to this guy
about how much of a dick he is.
I'm tired of you guys
fighting all the time.
You wanna make up in my mouth?
MOANING
BOY: This, Smith.
This is why no-one
wants to canoe with you.
Hey, guys!
How was arts and crafts?
You make some cool dreamcatchers?
Great, great!
I've just been finding
all the candy you hid in here!
In your pillowcases,
under your mattresses.
And, guys, come on.
I know "Todd" isn't a real camper.
He's just a bunch of
Starburst mushed together,
wearing Noah's clothes.
Didn't you used to sneak candy
into camp?
Yeah, when I was a kid.
Now you're looking at
a grown-ass man.
Do you see this?
This is what
a grown-ass man looks like.
You are all missing swimming.
And if I find this stuff again,
I'm gonna make you smell
these Air Walks
I've been wearing all summer
without socks.
STEVE: Snot's not letting you
have any fun, huh?
Well, I'm here to change that.
INHALING
COUGHING
BREATHLESS:
That's a lot of powdered sugar.
COUGHING
What is happening?
COUGHING
What is happening is...
COUGHING
..is I'm...
COUGHING
Mm! Phew!
I'm here to invite you guys
on a panty raid.
Won't that get us in more trouble?
Listen, I came here to have fun!
This time tomorrow,
we could all be knee-deep
in stolen Disney princess Underoos!
Yes! Yeah!
Whoo! Let's do it!
Still doesn't change the fact
that I'm wetting my bed,
because I'm homesick for Mommy.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Hello, my lovelies.
I have playa gifts for you.
Anniversary necklaces.
Together, they symbolise your love.
Wow! Roger, these are beautiful!
Did you make them yourself?
I went to Target myself.
I told you,
I want this to be special for you.
Later, I'm cooking you
a gourmet meal.
Plus, I made you a sheet of acid.
Each tab features a little alien
saying, "Take me to your dealer".
LAUGHS
They usually say "leader",
but this alien likes drugs.
This is so thoughtful.
This whole thing,
it's just too thoughtful.
When has Roger ever done anything
just to be nice?
He always has an ulterior motive.
Dude, that's true.
Maybe these psychedelics
will help us see through his plan.
Jeff, no!
Look, until we figure out what
Roger's up to, we should do nothing,
trust nothing, take nothing.
Can I take a Benadryl,
if I get stung by a bee?
Yes, Jeff, you can take that.
What about
Roger's homemade Benadryl?
It's good that you're asking me
about these things. No.
MUSIC PLAYS
What's that horrible music?
It's called dubstep.
It's the sound of living
in your parents' basement forever.
FRANCINE LAUGHING
Why are you being so uptight, Stan?
Come hula-hoop with me!
Is there another one?!
WIND BLOWS
Oh, no! Roger's acid!
Each of these things can make
a full-grown man trip balls!
Imagine what they'll do
to a four-ounce goldfish!
Cracker?
MUSIC SLOWS DOWN
I think I'm "crackering" up!
CANNED LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
HE GASPS
They're all here!
DISTORTED: Milanos,
Chessmen, Pretzel Thins.
APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Klaus.
You're high as shit.
OK, guys, I did a little panty raid
recon on the girls' cabin...
Actually,
we're not doing the panty raid.
W... Why not?!
Well, we talked about it,
and we get the sense that
you're a pretty nerdy 14-year-old.
But us,
we're pretty cool 10-year-olds.
I've kissed three girls this summer.
So, we're feeling like we should
avoid anything that you do.
HE SIGHS
Ok, first of all, Paul?
BLEEP you.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Whoa! Cool bed!
I stress-tested this baby
to four tonnes,
so feel free to pound it out.
Again, very thoughtful.
The food looks delicious, too.
Good, so you'll eat, then get nice
and tired and sleep like the dead.
What's that? It looks like blood.
NERVOUS CHUCKLE
Must be mine.
I mean, who else's would it be?
Nope. One of those cocker spaniels
must've had their period in here.
OK, you two, eat and sleep time!
WHISPERS: Oh, this is awesome!
You guys should've seen
the Lil' Apaches.
They were all, like,
"Can we please come with you, Steve?
"None of us
have even kissed a girl".
I heard Paul is ploughing his way
through Cabin Seven.
The point is,
I told them if I'ma do a panty raid,
I'ma do it with my OG's,
the younger, sleepier, Mini Mohawks.
This doesn't feel fun,
what you're doing right now.
It feels more desperate.
SHOUTING: Desperate, how?!
OK, so we're gonna bounce.
Just cos we're leaving, doesn't mean
we don't want you to get better.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
STAN: Hey, where's your glow?
Darktards!
BICYCLE BELL DINGS
All right, we need to figure out
what Roger is up to.
Klaus, are you OK?
Oh, yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool.
I was just gonna cut my face off,
to let the shadow people
out of my skull.
So, the burritos are up for grabs?
Burritos?!
I'm marrying this young couple.
MUSIC CONTINUES
All right, I think I got something.
Roger wrote down a phone number.
Reverse look-up says it's
a medical clinic in El Salvador.
JEFF: Hey, does this mean anything?
Holy crap!
Roger set this whole thing up
to take our organs!
Roger's evil!
But you gotta give him a little
credit for being so organ-ised.
HE CHUCKLES
There's that smile.
Bunch of eight-year-olds
calling me nerdy.
Bunch of six-year-olds
calling me desperate.
I don't need any of 'em.
Snot?
Gotcha.
Don't you mean "Gotye"?
Cos you're...
# Somebody that I used to know. #
ANNOUNCER:
American Dad remembers Gotye.
I can't let you do this.
Sure you can!
You can do it with me!
You don't think I wanna have fun?
But if I have fun,
sunscreen is not applied,
friendship bracelets
are poorly woven,
and no-one scratches Chief Danny's
bug bites to completion!
You know what? Forget it!
I got panties to try on... Raid!
To raid.
Stop, Steve, or I'll...
What?
Blow your corked whistle?
You wouldn't dare.
BLOWS WHISTLE
CIT Snot, you uncorked your whistle.
This better be good.
Camper Steve
was about to commit a panty raid.
By himself? That's kind of a bummer.
And also a clear violation
of our no-bullying policy.
I gotta send ya home.
What?!
I will, however, allow you to sing
Boom Chicka Boom one last time.
But I...
I said a-boom chicka-boom.
SADLY: I said a-boom chicka-boom.
I said a-boom chicka-boom.
CRYING: I said a-boom chicka-boom.
I said a-boom chicka rocka
chicka rocka chicka-boom.
SOBBING: I said a-boom chicka
rocka chicka rocka... chicka-boom.
Gimme a Sprite.
Get the hell out of my bar.
Don't tell me,
Sprite's only for counselors.
GLASS SHATTERS
There's two things
we don't like in this town,
that lousy summer camp and Sprite.
So, you can do the Dew,
or you can be on your way.
You don't have to tell me
that camp sucks.
It double-sucks.
Hey, everybody, this kid's
making a lot of sense over here.
What'd he say, Mo?
He said that camp,
and I quote, "double-sucks".
Whoa!
CHUCKLES
I never had the balls to push it
that far, but he's right.
They drive straight through our town
to drop their bratty kids off.
Never once stopping by
to see what the mill's like.
It's really cool in there.
I bet it is.
That dumb camp kicked me out,
cos I wouldn't play by their rules.
Now my life is garbage,
just like you guys.
Yeah!
This kid gets us.
Ah, I wish there were some way we
could help ya get back at that camp,
you know, since you're one of us.
We could give him
a tour of the mill.
It's really cool in there.
Yes.
Maybe not today, but let's
definitely get that on the books.
In the meantime,
I know just how you guys can help me
get back at that camp.
But before we get to that, which
sushi roll would you recommend?
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Hayley?
Jeff?
Watermelon.
A-ha! Busted!
Wait, what are you...
Did you not sleep in the beautiful
bed I put together for you?
Nope, we've avoided everything
you've done for us this weekend,
because we know
you're harvesting organs!
That cooler is probably full of 'em.
This cooler is filled
with fresh smoked salmon,
for your breakfast in bed!
Man!
For once in my life, I do something
with absolutely no ulterior motive,
cos, oh, it's supposed to
make you feel so good!
Never again!
So what's with
the operating room in your attic?
I was harvesting my own organs!
How do you think
I was planning to pay for all this?
Unfortunately, there's not
much of a market for alien organs,
so I'm going to have to
put 'em back in.
Or maybe not, I haven't noticed
a single difference
since I took them out.
Oh, my God!
# Let's all go to the body
# We'll go in through the butt. #
SQUISHING
HE COUGHS
How long was I out?
Jeff? Did you take advantage of me?
Looks like the counselors
won't be stopping us,
so let's have us a panty raid!
Look, we're adults.
If we go stealing
little kids' panties, well,
that's a list
you don't wanna be on twice.
ALL CHANT: Raid, raid, raid!
Whoa! You guys are motivated!
Wait up!
Steve, what are you doing?!
Me and my new friends from town
are teaching this camp some manners.
GRUNTING AND SCREAMING
It looks more like a riot.
SCREAMING
INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS
HE SCREAMS
HE GROANS
DREAMS: We're free!
This is gonna be my coffee table!
Uh, guys,
m... maybe we should have
a quick pow-wow
to review our objectives here.
You're not our leader, you're just
some kid that looks like Juno.
Only from certain angles!
Now, calm down!
You think you can tell us
what to do?
You'd... You'd kill me over this?!
Would it please milady?
CLEARS THROAT
Sorry, I meant "mill lady".
Run, Steve!
Get 'em!
SHOUTING
You can't tread water forever!
Yeah,
but we can do it for 20 minutes,
or else we wouldn't have
lake privileges!
Townie huddle!
MUTTERING
Privileges, 20 minutes.
I know, I know.
OK! Enjoy your swim party.
We're gonna keep raiding.
CHEERING AND SHOUTING
Sorry I brought hell into this camp.
I was just mad at you, because you
were becoming a grown-up first,
and it was changing everything.
No, Steve, I was wrong.
I thought being a grown-up meant
not having fun anymore.
But look at them.
Let me down, you townie scum!
Woo-hoo! Best day ever!
They're having a ball!
Exactly.
No matter how grown up we get...
We'll always be able to have fun.
I think he's havin' a heart attack!
LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS
Shift change!
Time to get to work, fellas!
WHOOSHING
GASPING
Yes.
This body will do.
Ew! Ew! I'm covered in ants!
Subtitles by TVT
DRILLING,
DOG BARKING
GLASS SMASHING,
TRAIN WHISTLING
STEVE MOANING,
BABBLING
CATS SCREECHING,
ALARM BLARES
Please stay green, please.
Come on, come on!
Damn it!
TYRES SCREECH
Are we there?! Are we at camp?!
Almost, honey.
One effing light
in this craphole town,
and I hit it
every mother-loving year.
I can see the entrance!
You guys are so lucky
you get to live
next to the best place in the world.
Hey! That guy's got a sleeping bag!
Mom, maybe he needs a ride to camp!
Whole town's got the camp spirit.
Not too close to the fire, boys!
You'll burn your dogs!
But that's how my friend, Snot,
likes them!
We're finally in the big-boy cabin
this year!
Can you believe it?!
Oh, arts and crafts.
How long is this damn light?
# Big boys rule the camp, yeah
# Big boys rule the camp
# Tomahawk
DOG BARKING
# Big boys rule the camp, yeah
Big boys rule the camp, uh-huh
# The big boys rule the camp
The big boys rule the camp. #
That guy gets it.
WINDOW SHATTERS
STEVE: Ooh, free hammer!
Did anyone see that throw?
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be
A wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shinin' a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...
# Good morning, USA. Argh!
# Good morning, USA. #
CAMP LEADER:
I said-a boom, chicka boom.
CAMPERS:
I said-a boom, chicka boom.
ALL: I said a-boom, chicka rocka,
chicka rocka, chicka boom.
Oh, boy, Snotski.
Looks like someone was in such
a rush, he forgot his sleeping bag.
No matter, you can share mine.
We'll just sleep nose-to-nose,
keep our privates
at a respectful distance and our
faces mashed together, I guess.
Actually, Steve, I won't need
my own bedding this summer,
cos I have this.
Whoa, buddy!
Only counselors
are allowed to have whistles.
Wait.
Are you...?
A counselor-in-training.
My whistle's corked,
so you can't blow through it.
But Chief Danny says
if I do a good job
with the Lil' Apaches,
I'll get FULL whistle privileges.
How...'s it going, boys?
I tell ya, Steve,
every time I see you,
I just wanna give you a wedgie!
You've got a wedgie face.
Anyone ever tell you that?
I usually get "Ellen Page".
But I'm a big Cherokee now, so
I'll be the one giving the wedgies.
Actually,
no-one will be giving wedgies.
Thanks to a lawsuit that, until now,
I was sure you'd filed,
we have a zero-tolerance policy
for bullying.
I don't like it, personally,
but it's really helpful
for the wimps and the Polacks.
Why would you choose to be a CIT
instead of a camper?
If you're a CIT,
you don't have to pay.
It's the only way
I could afford to come this year.
I always forget how poor you are.
I drink generic milk.
It's grey and comes in a bag.
I think it's softening my bones.
But I promise you, nothing is
gonna change between us this summer.
Big boys rule the camp?
BOTH:
Yeah, big boys rule the ca...
I'm part of a class-action lawsuit.
You all laughed at me,
but I told you we needed
five newspaper subscriptions.
Happy anniversary, babe!
Oh, yeah, congratulations, you two!
Which anniversary is it?
Is it one?
Is it two?
Is it 69?
STAN LAUGHS
Well executed, Jeff.
You just earned yourself
one month of USA Today.
Anyway, we're gonna celebrate
by heading out to Burning Man.
I used to Burn. Got too corporate.
Now you gotta poo
in designated areas.
Anyhoo, how'd you get tickets?
I hear it's hard now.
Uh...
You didn't get tickets?
You told me
you were taking care of it!
AS JEFF: "I got it covered, babe."
Hey, don't get on
the naggin' wagon now.
Could've used that
when I forgot to get tickets!
Ugh! Way to ruin our anniversary!
69 years down the drain.
..which is how this camp
came to be built
on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Which tribe?
The, uh, whatever, kid.
They were friggin' Indians.
And some say their zombie chief
still haunts the camp.
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS
Whoa, whoa, Steve!
What's going on?
Just telling the Lil' Apaches here
the legend of the camp.
AS THE CRYPT KEEPER:
It's a great dead-time story.
EVIL LAUGH
OK, maybe that's not a good idea.
If you get 'em all riled up,
I'm the one that has to read 'em
an extra chapter of Super Fudge.
I thought this CIT stuff
wasn't gonna change us having fun.
It's not!
Look, let's hang at the rope swing
tomorrow after lunch,
just you and me.
What about them?
They'll be writing letters home
and playing with the iPads
they smuggle in. Right, guys?
We don't ALL have iPads.
LAUGHTER
My Etch-a-Sketch can do
something your iPad can't.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
Since you couldn't go
to Burning Man,
I brought Burning Man to you!
I'm giving you two
the best anniversary ever.
And tearing up my lawn!
It's a Burn, Stan.
The only limit...
..is your mind.
CRASH
And the property line.
I can't believe Snot stood me up.
I've wasted the whole day
flawlessly skipping stones.
Oh, no!
It's the man
from the other side of the lake!
Are these yours?!
Your stone hit me and my wife,
while we were making love!
You were alone over there.
That is one narrative!
'As far back as I can remember,
'I always wanted to be a counselor.'
Hey, what do you call 50 townies
at the bottom of a rock slide?
A good start!
LAUGHTER
Good one, chief!
Get you another Sprite?
I don't know, Snot.
Do townies eat their own shit?
LAUGHTER
'To me, being a counselor was better
'than being president
of the United States.
'It meant being a somebody
in a town full of nobodies.'
DOOR OPENS
STEVE: You guys get Sprite?!
Camper Steve?
What are you doing
in the counselor cabin?!
I'm sorry, chief.
Just a little misunderstanding.
Do you have any idea how long
I was waiting out there for you?
I'm sorry.
What happened to us
having fun together?
I have responsibilities now,
grown-up stuff.
That are more important than me?
Yes! I mean, sometimes...
Yes.
Oh.
OK. Look, Steve...
Apology accepted.
I wasn't apologising.
I was just gonna say
it's bedtime for you.
STEVE: What a dick.
I'm still here.
I wasn't talking to you.
This guy was talking to this guy
about how much of a dick he is.
I'm tired of you guys
fighting all the time.
You wanna make up in my mouth?
MOANING
BOY: This, Smith.
This is why no-one
wants to canoe with you.
Hey, guys!
How was arts and crafts?
You make some cool dreamcatchers?
Great, great!
I've just been finding
all the candy you hid in here!
In your pillowcases,
under your mattresses.
And, guys, come on.
I know "Todd" isn't a real camper.
He's just a bunch of
Starburst mushed together,
wearing Noah's clothes.
Didn't you used to sneak candy
into camp?
Yeah, when I was a kid.
Now you're looking at
a grown-ass man.
Do you see this?
This is what
a grown-ass man looks like.
You are all missing swimming.
And if I find this stuff again,
I'm gonna make you smell
these Air Walks
I've been wearing all summer
without socks.
STEVE: Snot's not letting you
have any fun, huh?
Well, I'm here to change that.
INHALING
COUGHING
BREATHLESS:
That's a lot of powdered sugar.
COUGHING
What is happening?
COUGHING
What is happening is...
COUGHING
..is I'm...
COUGHING
Mm! Phew!
I'm here to invite you guys
on a panty raid.
Won't that get us in more trouble?
Listen, I came here to have fun!
This time tomorrow,
we could all be knee-deep
in stolen Disney princess Underoos!
Yes! Yeah!
Whoo! Let's do it!
Still doesn't change the fact
that I'm wetting my bed,
because I'm homesick for Mommy.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Hello, my lovelies.
I have playa gifts for you.
Anniversary necklaces.
Together, they symbolise your love.
Wow! Roger, these are beautiful!
Did you make them yourself?
I went to Target myself.
I told you,
I want this to be special for you.
Later, I'm cooking you
a gourmet meal.
Plus, I made you a sheet of acid.
Each tab features a little alien
saying, "Take me to your dealer".
LAUGHS
They usually say "leader",
but this alien likes drugs.
This is so thoughtful.
This whole thing,
it's just too thoughtful.
When has Roger ever done anything
just to be nice?
He always has an ulterior motive.
Dude, that's true.
Maybe these psychedelics
will help us see through his plan.
Jeff, no!
Look, until we figure out what
Roger's up to, we should do nothing,
trust nothing, take nothing.
Can I take a Benadryl,
if I get stung by a bee?
Yes, Jeff, you can take that.
What about
Roger's homemade Benadryl?
It's good that you're asking me
about these things. No.
MUSIC PLAYS
What's that horrible music?
It's called dubstep.
It's the sound of living
in your parents' basement forever.
FRANCINE LAUGHING
Why are you being so uptight, Stan?
Come hula-hoop with me!
Is there another one?!
WIND BLOWS
Oh, no! Roger's acid!
Each of these things can make
a full-grown man trip balls!
Imagine what they'll do
to a four-ounce goldfish!
Cracker?
MUSIC SLOWS DOWN
I think I'm "crackering" up!
CANNED LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
HE GASPS
They're all here!
DISTORTED: Milanos,
Chessmen, Pretzel Thins.
APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Klaus.
You're high as shit.
OK, guys, I did a little panty raid
recon on the girls' cabin...
Actually,
we're not doing the panty raid.
W... Why not?!
Well, we talked about it,
and we get the sense that
you're a pretty nerdy 14-year-old.
But us,
we're pretty cool 10-year-olds.
I've kissed three girls this summer.
So, we're feeling like we should
avoid anything that you do.
HE SIGHS
Ok, first of all, Paul?
BLEEP you.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Whoa! Cool bed!
I stress-tested this baby
to four tonnes,
so feel free to pound it out.
Again, very thoughtful.
The food looks delicious, too.
Good, so you'll eat, then get nice
and tired and sleep like the dead.
What's that? It looks like blood.
NERVOUS CHUCKLE
Must be mine.
I mean, who else's would it be?
Nope. One of those cocker spaniels
must've had their period in here.
OK, you two, eat and sleep time!
WHISPERS: Oh, this is awesome!
You guys should've seen
the Lil' Apaches.
They were all, like,
"Can we please come with you, Steve?
"None of us
have even kissed a girl".
I heard Paul is ploughing his way
through Cabin Seven.
The point is,
I told them if I'ma do a panty raid,
I'ma do it with my OG's,
the younger, sleepier, Mini Mohawks.
This doesn't feel fun,
what you're doing right now.
It feels more desperate.
SHOUTING: Desperate, how?!
OK, so we're gonna bounce.
Just cos we're leaving, doesn't mean
we don't want you to get better.
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
STAN: Hey, where's your glow?
Darktards!
BICYCLE BELL DINGS
All right, we need to figure out
what Roger is up to.
Klaus, are you OK?
Oh, yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool.
I was just gonna cut my face off,
to let the shadow people
out of my skull.
So, the burritos are up for grabs?
Burritos?!
I'm marrying this young couple.
MUSIC CONTINUES
All right, I think I got something.
Roger wrote down a phone number.
Reverse look-up says it's
a medical clinic in El Salvador.
JEFF: Hey, does this mean anything?
Holy crap!
Roger set this whole thing up
to take our organs!
Roger's evil!
But you gotta give him a little
credit for being so organ-ised.
HE CHUCKLES
There's that smile.
Bunch of eight-year-olds
calling me nerdy.
Bunch of six-year-olds
calling me desperate.
I don't need any of 'em.
Snot?
Gotcha.
Don't you mean "Gotye"?
Cos you're...
# Somebody that I used to know. #
ANNOUNCER:
American Dad remembers Gotye.
I can't let you do this.
Sure you can!
You can do it with me!
You don't think I wanna have fun?
But if I have fun,
sunscreen is not applied,
friendship bracelets
are poorly woven,
and no-one scratches Chief Danny's
bug bites to completion!
You know what? Forget it!
I got panties to try on... Raid!
To raid.
Stop, Steve, or I'll...
What?
Blow your corked whistle?
You wouldn't dare.
BLOWS WHISTLE
CIT Snot, you uncorked your whistle.
This better be good.
Camper Steve
was about to commit a panty raid.
By himself? That's kind of a bummer.
And also a clear violation
of our no-bullying policy.
I gotta send ya home.
What?!
I will, however, allow you to sing
Boom Chicka Boom one last time.
But I...
I said a-boom chicka-boom.
SADLY: I said a-boom chicka-boom.
I said a-boom chicka-boom.
CRYING: I said a-boom chicka-boom.
I said a-boom chicka rocka
chicka rocka chicka-boom.
SOBBING: I said a-boom chicka
rocka chicka rocka... chicka-boom.
Gimme a Sprite.
Get the hell out of my bar.
Don't tell me,
Sprite's only for counselors.
GLASS SHATTERS
There's two things
we don't like in this town,
that lousy summer camp and Sprite.
So, you can do the Dew,
or you can be on your way.
You don't have to tell me
that camp sucks.
It double-sucks.
Hey, everybody, this kid's
making a lot of sense over here.
What'd he say, Mo?
He said that camp,
and I quote, "double-sucks".
Whoa!
CHUCKLES
I never had the balls to push it
that far, but he's right.
They drive straight through our town
to drop their bratty kids off.
Never once stopping by
to see what the mill's like.
It's really cool in there.
I bet it is.
That dumb camp kicked me out,
cos I wouldn't play by their rules.
Now my life is garbage,
just like you guys.
Yeah!
This kid gets us.
Ah, I wish there were some way we
could help ya get back at that camp,
you know, since you're one of us.
We could give him
a tour of the mill.
It's really cool in there.
Yes.
Maybe not today, but let's
definitely get that on the books.
In the meantime,
I know just how you guys can help me
get back at that camp.
But before we get to that, which
sushi roll would you recommend?
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
Hayley?
Jeff?
Watermelon.
A-ha! Busted!
Wait, what are you...
Did you not sleep in the beautiful
bed I put together for you?
Nope, we've avoided everything
you've done for us this weekend,
because we know
you're harvesting organs!
That cooler is probably full of 'em.
This cooler is filled
with fresh smoked salmon,
for your breakfast in bed!
Man!
For once in my life, I do something
with absolutely no ulterior motive,
cos, oh, it's supposed to
make you feel so good!
Never again!
So what's with
the operating room in your attic?
I was harvesting my own organs!
How do you think
I was planning to pay for all this?
Unfortunately, there's not
much of a market for alien organs,
so I'm going to have to
put 'em back in.
Or maybe not, I haven't noticed
a single difference
since I took them out.
Oh, my God!
# Let's all go to the body
# We'll go in through the butt. #
SQUISHING
HE COUGHS
How long was I out?
Jeff? Did you take advantage of me?
Looks like the counselors
won't be stopping us,
so let's have us a panty raid!
Look, we're adults.
If we go stealing
little kids' panties, well,
that's a list
you don't wanna be on twice.
ALL CHANT: Raid, raid, raid!
Whoa! You guys are motivated!
Wait up!
Steve, what are you doing?!
Me and my new friends from town
are teaching this camp some manners.
GRUNTING AND SCREAMING
It looks more like a riot.
SCREAMING
INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS
HE SCREAMS
HE GROANS
DREAMS: We're free!
This is gonna be my coffee table!
Uh, guys,
m... maybe we should have
a quick pow-wow
to review our objectives here.
You're not our leader, you're just
some kid that looks like Juno.
Only from certain angles!
Now, calm down!
You think you can tell us
what to do?
You'd... You'd kill me over this?!
Would it please milady?
CLEARS THROAT
Sorry, I meant "mill lady".
Run, Steve!
Get 'em!
SHOUTING
You can't tread water forever!
Yeah,
but we can do it for 20 minutes,
or else we wouldn't have
lake privileges!
Townie huddle!
MUTTERING
Privileges, 20 minutes.
I know, I know.
OK! Enjoy your swim party.
We're gonna keep raiding.
CHEERING AND SHOUTING
Sorry I brought hell into this camp.
I was just mad at you, because you
were becoming a grown-up first,
and it was changing everything.
No, Steve, I was wrong.
I thought being a grown-up meant
not having fun anymore.
But look at them.
Let me down, you townie scum!
Woo-hoo! Best day ever!
They're having a ball!
Exactly.
No matter how grown up we get...
We'll always be able to have fun.
I think he's havin' a heart attack!
LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS
Shift change!
Time to get to work, fellas!
WHOOSHING
GASPING
Yes.
This body will do.
Ew! Ew! I'm covered in ants!
Subtitles by TVT