American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 12 - OreTron Trail - full transcript
Traumatized by The Oregon Trail (1971), Roger becomes concerned about outliving the family, so he fakes his death, spoofs Renegade (1992) and traps the family in the game. Klaus opens a convenience store but becomes paranoid about shoplifters.
PANPIPES
Banana, Sheriff?
Banana, Sheriff?
How about a banana, Sheriff?
A banana?
That does sound good.
What's wrong with my bananas?
Oh, right.
GASPS
Dear God, a suspicious package!
Banana, Sheriff?
Not now, man!
Clear the beach!
Go for bomb unit.
Steady.
Don't rush it.
Dammit, he got spooked!
Phew, just a white devil.
Everyone can go back to handing
each other different fruits.
BOMB BEEPS
PETER GRIFFIN: Really? I mean,
what the BLEEP are we doing here?
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's well to say
# Good morning, USA
# Good morning, USA! #
I am so jealous you guys
are going to the game.
I can't believe the Bazooka Sharks
made the play-offs!
That's what the five-week
regular season was all about.
Three and two, baby!
Sure there's no extra ticket?
Damn sure... that there is one.
What?!
And it's going to my boy Steve.
Why would you bring me?
Yeah! Nobody loves the Zooks
more than Klaus.
I bleed silver and ocean lime.
Klaus, you're not coming because
you're wearing a T-shirt jersey.
Aw, the guy at Marshalls said
this was the real deal.
Dad, take the fish.
I'm almost through my annual re-read
of The Joyluck Club.
No, Steve, I need a human torso.
Dick has community service,
so you have to step in as our A.
R? A?
What's the team name,
the Ragamuffin?
Yeah, Marshalls customer service,
please.
It doesn't exist?!
So, we're just gonna hang out
in the parking lot
for three hours before the game?
No, Steve.
We're also gonna pound Jagerbombs
and maybe get into a fist fight
with a middle-aged woman.
It's called tailgating.
Excellent!
You brought the child,
as we discussed.
What are you doing?! Stop it!
Look at that blank canvas.
Dad?
Wait! Steve's right.
If anyone's gonna spray his A,
it should be his father.
Tickets! Tickets!
Need tickets? I got 'em.
Have tickets? I want 'em.
Thanks, Roger, but we're good.
Got a great pair on
the 50-yard line, handicapped zone.
Need a wheelchair? I got it.
Have a wheelchair? I want it.
Need a high-protein snack on the go?
Try walnuts.
We're just here for the tailgate,
we don't care about football.
Oh, I can make you care.
You just need a little skin
in the game.
What?
I'll take that action.
Put you down
for a dime on the Sharks.
A dime on the Sharks?
Smart bet, they got a lot of heat
coming out of the regular season.
Three in two, baby!
This is gonna be incredible.
Been looking forward to it all week.
Again, not the pee.
I peed a couple of days ago.
Remember to toss a penny in
before you leave.
Ew, that splashed me!
Dude!
That's eight months of good luck!
Could you move down a little bit?
Oh, I'M the weirdo.
You haven't peed a drop
the whole time I've been watching.
When's the game gonna start?
Not until Sky Crooner says it does.
It's game time, honey!
# I've been waiting all day
For Saturday! #
Wa-ha-hoo-how!
Woo-wa-hoo-wa-how!
Some say the ropes don't keep him
from falling to the earth,
but rather from flying
to the heavens.
Some say.
Kick his head off! Kill him!
Slit his throat!
WHISTLE
That was savage! Is he all right?
CROWD CHEERS
CHEERING CEASES
CHEERING RESUMES
He's dead?!
Welcome to Sharks' nest, baby!
Mama, you like this?
Hell, yeah, I like Sharks' ball
on the 30.
CHEERING
The Dreyer's Ice Cream-A-Torium?
We get a free scoop at half-time.
The widow picks the flavour.
Here comes Johnny!
CHEERING
The quarterback?
That's Juan Consuelo,
AKA Johnny Concussion.
Without a doubt, the greatest player
in arena football history.
Probably. No-one keeps records.
CHEERING AND SCREAMING
Woo-hoo!
Dad, Mr Concussion isn't moving.
Is he dead too?
Brain-dead, maybe.
Real dead? No way.
Johnny Concussion
always gets back up.
Bazooka Sharks fans,
looks like Johnny's out cold.
Let's help him shake out
those cobwebs!
MUSIC: 'The Hippy Hippy Shake'
by Georgia Satellites
CHEERING
See? He's totally fine.
This is barbaric.
And you're cheering for it!
I think I gonna be sick.
Do you have something
with the essence of ginger?
Or anything to settle
a rumbly tumbly?
I got a Zooker Zinger.
That's Goldschlager
and Mountain Dew.
Maybe just some nachos.
And take your time,
I'm in no rush to...
Johnny Concussion?!
'Scuse me, young lady,
could you point me toward the field?
The field?! What's wrong with you?
You almost died on the field.
Yeah, the field,
that's where Johnny goes.
Do you have any idea
what concussions do to your brain?
They're killing you!
You're looking at me.
Am I supposed to do something?
Am I supposed to throw a football?
Johnny!
Where'd you go? Your team needs you!
OK, Johnny, you wanna get back to
the field? It's right through here.
I can't go back without my Johnny!
Anyone care for a nacho?
Oh, Steve, it's terrible.
Johnny Concussion is missing.
Oh, no, they're putting in the
back-up quarterback - Donny Forfeit.
Don't do it, Donny!
I gotta do it,
I don't have a choice!
Red, 42! Omaha!
WHISTLE BLOWS
ANNOUNCER: Sharks forfeit!
Why did we draft him?!
The season's over.
Steve, tell me the truth.
Did they write two letters on me
because I'm fat?
Last night, after the Pizza Rockets
defeated the Bazooka Sharks,
the town of Aberdeen came together
for a night of terrifying
but well-deserved rioting.
This is shameful.
That should be our elementary school
on fire!
I can't believe
Johnny Concussion disappeared
in the middle of the game.
Yeah, that's weird.
But it's a mystery
we don't have time to solve.
What with indoor lacrosse season
only a month off.
Laser Rats, baby!
I bleed tangerine
and razzmatazz red.
Lacrosse is for girls.
You're a girl.
Look, they found Johnny Concussion!
Johnny, your surprise mid-game
retirement shocked everyone.
Take us through your decision.
Honestly,
I didn't make the decision,
my guardian angel did.
Guardian angel?
Oh, yeah, my angel said
concussions were killing me
and I had to stop playing.
He had angel glasses
and a high-pitched angel voice.
LOWERS VOICE:
I'm gonna be late for school.
It was this little baby
with a giant A
painted on his little baby chest.
So, the hunt is on
for Johnny's guardian angel.
Wait, I'm receiving word that
it's Steve Smith. Thanks, Francine!
It's your fault our season's over?
HE SOBS
I just gave him the facts!
You should leave, Steve.
And come back right after school?
Cos I'll always be loved here?
Hey, Steve.
Since I'll never see your bitch ass
again, I might as well tell you.
I am the one who snaked
all your Kit Kats last Halloween.
HE GASPS
I'm choking!
Steve, my dearest friend,
you must save me!
In a school fire,
you gotta know what you want,
cos the clock is ticking.
But I nailed it.
I got an overhead projector,
a hand turkey by Emily C,
and two dozen smoke-damaged copies
of Hatchet.
You were a part of those riots
in Aberdeen?!
A part?! How dare you?!
I picked the targets, I set
the fires, I was an integral part.
Oh, OK, yeah, I was a part.
But I was excited!
It's not every day
you win a big sports bet.
Oh, right, I owe you a dime.
Just grab it out of the change bowl.
Is there $1,000 cash in that bowl?
Cos that's what a dime is
in gamblers' lingo.
Who knows that?!
Everyone knows that, babe.
I thought you were crazy
to make that bet.
I almost said something.
I'll never be able to pay you
$1,000.
Sure you will. And here's how.
Whoa, we were just in the kitchen!
You put a taxi meter in my car?
Yep.
And you're gonna pay me back
for that, too.
But... I don't wanna be
a cab-driver.
If it makes you feel any better,
behind the wheel of every taxi
is a sad, confused person
who was tricked into a bet
they didn't understand.
You're on the clock
for the next ten hours.
Here's a pee cup
and some rigatoni I made last week.
I would try to eat it today.
There's no visible mould,
but things are happening.
Sorry I'm late.
A principal in a Bazooka Sharks
jersey stopped me in the hall,
ate my entire packed lunch, and then
told me my mama's cooking sucks.
Things are getting a little hot
for me, boys.
But as long as
we all stick together,
you'll be able to absorb
some of that heat. Follow me?
I don't think so.
I said it in a weird way.
Picture this.
The whole town
is freezing me out, boys.
We can't help you, Steve!
We're huge Johnny Concussion fans.
What?!
Jonny has a half-Asian girlfriend,
and I respect the hell out of that.
The dad is Asian, Steve.
Do you understand that?
Is this the girlfriend's parents'
wedding photo?
I mean, is it sold in stores?
This is the dad.
Here we are at the museum.
Wonderful.
And you owe me...
nothing for the ride, since you
won't let me turn the meter on.
Right, right, right, right, you need
paying customers to pay me back.
Right, obviously.
I'll get out of your hair.
138 and Lex.
HAYLEY SIGHS
So, you drive a cab, huh?
That's cool.
I love to dance.
I love to feel people's eyes on me.
I had a little bit to drink tonight.
Ah, Long Island ice teas, right?
They're so sweet.
But the boys keep buying 'em for me.
If my fiance knew,
he'd kill all of 'em.
He's Dominican, he's crazy.
The sex is good, though.
He calls me his little Chihuahua.
When I was a kid,
my dad beat the shit out of me.
Hey, thanks for reaching out to us.
Happy to have you on our show.
Well, I just wanted a chance
to tell my side of the story.
I think you're doing
the right thing.
Welcome back to the Fist,
Langley's home for sports radio,
where I'm joined by Steve Smith -
the little bastard who tricked
Johnny Concussion into retiring.
Whoa, what?!
Can you pinpoint the exact moment
you decided to destroy
the very fabric of this community?
I wasn't trying to destroy anything!
He was wandering round in a daze.
Because you drugged him.
No!
I didn't give Johnny any drugs!
Because you needed them
all for yourself.
If you're just joining us,
Steve Smith is here,
and he's high on the drugs
he was planning to use
on Johnny Concussion.
None of that is true!
I just helped a guy
who was in bad shape.
Any decent person woulda done it.
Mike in Langston,
what's your two cents?
Yeah, I think it's too bad
the boy's on drugs,
cos I want him to feel
what I'm gonna do to him.
Strong take, Mike.
Stay on the line, we're gonna hook
you up with some Laser Rats tickets.
Oh, my God,
I'm going to the Rat Hive!
Randy, what do you think
of Steve Smith?
Hate him. Wanna murder him.
No-one needs to die!
Not me, not Johnny.
It's just a game!
Just a game? Really?
Was World War II just a game?
My grandfather was born in the '40s,
so I find what you're suggesting
deeply offensive.
Caller, can you reason
with this animal?
Steve Smith is a scumbag.
Mom?
DISCONNECT TONE
I'm done! This town
has gone completely insane!
If anyone wants to continue
the conversation,
Steve will be leaving by our
south-east exit in about 30 seconds.
Hurry up!
Where am I gonna go?!
CAR HORNS
ANGRY SHOUTING
Me too!
That's the boy we agreed to kill!
STEVE SCREAMS
Dad!
Drive the boy towards me!
MOB CHANTS: Kill, kill, kill!
It's fine.
First time throwing a bolo,
not gonna beat myself up
for missing.
It's important to try new weapons.
HE SIGHS
Can I help you?
Is it possible to mail a human
to the other side of the world?
It is the policy of Packages Etc
to not ship humans.
But since you are not human
but, in fact, human garbage,
I'd love to put you in a box.
All right, you said your piece,
just ship me.
How does overnight sound?
Probably my best chance
of getting there alive.
Well, that's not how you're going.
Phew, just a white devil.
Everyone can go back to handing
each other different fruits.
THINKING: OK, Steve,
this is your only chance
to make a first impression.
I'm HERE!
Where are you from, box boy?
I come from a land far, far away,
many moons across the great sea,
a place called America.
I know where the United States is,
we're not primitives.
Oh, you'll need to get fitted
for a dick pouch.
No need, I'm exactly the size
of a C battery.
Boy, this is great!
I'm getting away
from a very fraught situation,
so chillin' out
and enjoying a little island life
is just what I need.
On this island, everybody works.
Baskets. Hm...
So, what am I, the distribution guy?
Get 'em into stores?
No, no, you make the baskets.
I don't have any training.
I'm still kind of a... little boy.
Come on, it's easy.
Over, under, over, under.
MUSIC: 'Over And Over'
by Hot Chip
Ah, finished.
Hm, if I could give you some
criticism, it's a little small.
Also it took you three months.
Oh, while I got you here, Magunga,
I wanted to put in
a vacation request.
Huh, when were you thinking?
Any couple of days
within the next...
Can't do it.
JAZZ SAXOPHONE
"I hadn't seen my brother in months.
"Almost forgotten his face.
"The streets were becoming
my brother."
ROGER: Hayley, you paid me off
two days ago,
you don't have to keep dri...
"But I did have to keep driving.
"Because, as I was saying,
"the streets were becoming
my brother."
"It had been days since Hayley
watched MasterChef Junior with me.
"I told her I'd wait for her,
but I didn't, I couldn't.
"Peyton made a souffle.
"Eight years old, making a souffle.
"Imagine that."
OK, can I just say something?
I know one of you ate my fish,
and it's bumming me out a little bit
because I wrote my name on it.
RUMBLING
Oh, I just bent a reed
on my base stitch.
Is it me or is management giving us
a lot of dry reeds lately?
Forget work! The volcano's active!
Oh, will it kill us all?
That might be nice.
If you're looking to sacrifice
a virgin,
your prayers have been answered.
No, it's boulder-pushing season.
Every time the volcano erupts,
each village sends
their strongest man,
and they race
to push a boulder into it.
Is that to, like,
stop it from exploding?
No, it's just fun!
Mikeah is from our village.
CHEERING
Hey, I've seen him around!
I'm Team Mikeah!
HORN
CHEERING
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Wow, the volcano is so steep.
I can't believe how strong they are.
Uh-oh, our boy's in trouble.
MIKEAH SCREAMS
Oh, no!
Yeah, Mikeah! Kill him!
STRAINING
ROARS TRIUMPHANTLY
We did it, we won!
Look how excited everyone is.
And why?
Cos they're not basket-weaving.
I get it now!
People spend all day at work.
The daily grind, the rat race,
the old punch in, punch out.
And the only relief
is the promise of the weekend,
when you get together
with your sad friends,
numb yourself with enough vodka
to kill a horse,
and watch an athlete
do the physically impossible
or get gravely injured trying.
And that's where you come in,
Johnny Concussion.
Will you strap on the pads again,
be the shiny something that
distracts us from our crappy lives?
They tell me that's the ball
from my first touchdown.
OK, kid, I'll do it.
But what about my dead brain?
OK, kid, I'll do it.
That's my Johnny!
ANNOUNCER: Another late hit!
Johnny really has 'em frustrated.
CHEERING
You did a good thing getting Johnny
back on the field, Steve.
Thanks, dad. And I'm sorry
your job makes you so sad.
What?
# You shake it to the left
You shake it to the right
# My wife, she caught me cheatin'
Now I sleep here at night
# Ooh, yeah
# It's at the Jumbotron! #
Wow-wa-wa-woo!
Subtitles by TVT
Banana, Sheriff?
Banana, Sheriff?
How about a banana, Sheriff?
A banana?
That does sound good.
What's wrong with my bananas?
Oh, right.
GASPS
Dear God, a suspicious package!
Banana, Sheriff?
Not now, man!
Clear the beach!
Go for bomb unit.
Steady.
Don't rush it.
Dammit, he got spooked!
Phew, just a white devil.
Everyone can go back to handing
each other different fruits.
BOMB BEEPS
PETER GRIFFIN: Really? I mean,
what the BLEEP are we doing here?
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's well to say
# Good morning, USA
# Good morning, USA! #
I am so jealous you guys
are going to the game.
I can't believe the Bazooka Sharks
made the play-offs!
That's what the five-week
regular season was all about.
Three and two, baby!
Sure there's no extra ticket?
Damn sure... that there is one.
What?!
And it's going to my boy Steve.
Why would you bring me?
Yeah! Nobody loves the Zooks
more than Klaus.
I bleed silver and ocean lime.
Klaus, you're not coming because
you're wearing a T-shirt jersey.
Aw, the guy at Marshalls said
this was the real deal.
Dad, take the fish.
I'm almost through my annual re-read
of The Joyluck Club.
No, Steve, I need a human torso.
Dick has community service,
so you have to step in as our A.
R? A?
What's the team name,
the Ragamuffin?
Yeah, Marshalls customer service,
please.
It doesn't exist?!
So, we're just gonna hang out
in the parking lot
for three hours before the game?
No, Steve.
We're also gonna pound Jagerbombs
and maybe get into a fist fight
with a middle-aged woman.
It's called tailgating.
Excellent!
You brought the child,
as we discussed.
What are you doing?! Stop it!
Look at that blank canvas.
Dad?
Wait! Steve's right.
If anyone's gonna spray his A,
it should be his father.
Tickets! Tickets!
Need tickets? I got 'em.
Have tickets? I want 'em.
Thanks, Roger, but we're good.
Got a great pair on
the 50-yard line, handicapped zone.
Need a wheelchair? I got it.
Have a wheelchair? I want it.
Need a high-protein snack on the go?
Try walnuts.
We're just here for the tailgate,
we don't care about football.
Oh, I can make you care.
You just need a little skin
in the game.
What?
I'll take that action.
Put you down
for a dime on the Sharks.
A dime on the Sharks?
Smart bet, they got a lot of heat
coming out of the regular season.
Three in two, baby!
This is gonna be incredible.
Been looking forward to it all week.
Again, not the pee.
I peed a couple of days ago.
Remember to toss a penny in
before you leave.
Ew, that splashed me!
Dude!
That's eight months of good luck!
Could you move down a little bit?
Oh, I'M the weirdo.
You haven't peed a drop
the whole time I've been watching.
When's the game gonna start?
Not until Sky Crooner says it does.
It's game time, honey!
# I've been waiting all day
For Saturday! #
Wa-ha-hoo-how!
Woo-wa-hoo-wa-how!
Some say the ropes don't keep him
from falling to the earth,
but rather from flying
to the heavens.
Some say.
Kick his head off! Kill him!
Slit his throat!
WHISTLE
That was savage! Is he all right?
CROWD CHEERS
CHEERING CEASES
CHEERING RESUMES
He's dead?!
Welcome to Sharks' nest, baby!
Mama, you like this?
Hell, yeah, I like Sharks' ball
on the 30.
CHEERING
The Dreyer's Ice Cream-A-Torium?
We get a free scoop at half-time.
The widow picks the flavour.
Here comes Johnny!
CHEERING
The quarterback?
That's Juan Consuelo,
AKA Johnny Concussion.
Without a doubt, the greatest player
in arena football history.
Probably. No-one keeps records.
CHEERING AND SCREAMING
Woo-hoo!
Dad, Mr Concussion isn't moving.
Is he dead too?
Brain-dead, maybe.
Real dead? No way.
Johnny Concussion
always gets back up.
Bazooka Sharks fans,
looks like Johnny's out cold.
Let's help him shake out
those cobwebs!
MUSIC: 'The Hippy Hippy Shake'
by Georgia Satellites
CHEERING
See? He's totally fine.
This is barbaric.
And you're cheering for it!
I think I gonna be sick.
Do you have something
with the essence of ginger?
Or anything to settle
a rumbly tumbly?
I got a Zooker Zinger.
That's Goldschlager
and Mountain Dew.
Maybe just some nachos.
And take your time,
I'm in no rush to...
Johnny Concussion?!
'Scuse me, young lady,
could you point me toward the field?
The field?! What's wrong with you?
You almost died on the field.
Yeah, the field,
that's where Johnny goes.
Do you have any idea
what concussions do to your brain?
They're killing you!
You're looking at me.
Am I supposed to do something?
Am I supposed to throw a football?
Johnny!
Where'd you go? Your team needs you!
OK, Johnny, you wanna get back to
the field? It's right through here.
I can't go back without my Johnny!
Anyone care for a nacho?
Oh, Steve, it's terrible.
Johnny Concussion is missing.
Oh, no, they're putting in the
back-up quarterback - Donny Forfeit.
Don't do it, Donny!
I gotta do it,
I don't have a choice!
Red, 42! Omaha!
WHISTLE BLOWS
ANNOUNCER: Sharks forfeit!
Why did we draft him?!
The season's over.
Steve, tell me the truth.
Did they write two letters on me
because I'm fat?
Last night, after the Pizza Rockets
defeated the Bazooka Sharks,
the town of Aberdeen came together
for a night of terrifying
but well-deserved rioting.
This is shameful.
That should be our elementary school
on fire!
I can't believe
Johnny Concussion disappeared
in the middle of the game.
Yeah, that's weird.
But it's a mystery
we don't have time to solve.
What with indoor lacrosse season
only a month off.
Laser Rats, baby!
I bleed tangerine
and razzmatazz red.
Lacrosse is for girls.
You're a girl.
Look, they found Johnny Concussion!
Johnny, your surprise mid-game
retirement shocked everyone.
Take us through your decision.
Honestly,
I didn't make the decision,
my guardian angel did.
Guardian angel?
Oh, yeah, my angel said
concussions were killing me
and I had to stop playing.
He had angel glasses
and a high-pitched angel voice.
LOWERS VOICE:
I'm gonna be late for school.
It was this little baby
with a giant A
painted on his little baby chest.
So, the hunt is on
for Johnny's guardian angel.
Wait, I'm receiving word that
it's Steve Smith. Thanks, Francine!
It's your fault our season's over?
HE SOBS
I just gave him the facts!
You should leave, Steve.
And come back right after school?
Cos I'll always be loved here?
Hey, Steve.
Since I'll never see your bitch ass
again, I might as well tell you.
I am the one who snaked
all your Kit Kats last Halloween.
HE GASPS
I'm choking!
Steve, my dearest friend,
you must save me!
In a school fire,
you gotta know what you want,
cos the clock is ticking.
But I nailed it.
I got an overhead projector,
a hand turkey by Emily C,
and two dozen smoke-damaged copies
of Hatchet.
You were a part of those riots
in Aberdeen?!
A part?! How dare you?!
I picked the targets, I set
the fires, I was an integral part.
Oh, OK, yeah, I was a part.
But I was excited!
It's not every day
you win a big sports bet.
Oh, right, I owe you a dime.
Just grab it out of the change bowl.
Is there $1,000 cash in that bowl?
Cos that's what a dime is
in gamblers' lingo.
Who knows that?!
Everyone knows that, babe.
I thought you were crazy
to make that bet.
I almost said something.
I'll never be able to pay you
$1,000.
Sure you will. And here's how.
Whoa, we were just in the kitchen!
You put a taxi meter in my car?
Yep.
And you're gonna pay me back
for that, too.
But... I don't wanna be
a cab-driver.
If it makes you feel any better,
behind the wheel of every taxi
is a sad, confused person
who was tricked into a bet
they didn't understand.
You're on the clock
for the next ten hours.
Here's a pee cup
and some rigatoni I made last week.
I would try to eat it today.
There's no visible mould,
but things are happening.
Sorry I'm late.
A principal in a Bazooka Sharks
jersey stopped me in the hall,
ate my entire packed lunch, and then
told me my mama's cooking sucks.
Things are getting a little hot
for me, boys.
But as long as
we all stick together,
you'll be able to absorb
some of that heat. Follow me?
I don't think so.
I said it in a weird way.
Picture this.
The whole town
is freezing me out, boys.
We can't help you, Steve!
We're huge Johnny Concussion fans.
What?!
Jonny has a half-Asian girlfriend,
and I respect the hell out of that.
The dad is Asian, Steve.
Do you understand that?
Is this the girlfriend's parents'
wedding photo?
I mean, is it sold in stores?
This is the dad.
Here we are at the museum.
Wonderful.
And you owe me...
nothing for the ride, since you
won't let me turn the meter on.
Right, right, right, right, you need
paying customers to pay me back.
Right, obviously.
I'll get out of your hair.
138 and Lex.
HAYLEY SIGHS
So, you drive a cab, huh?
That's cool.
I love to dance.
I love to feel people's eyes on me.
I had a little bit to drink tonight.
Ah, Long Island ice teas, right?
They're so sweet.
But the boys keep buying 'em for me.
If my fiance knew,
he'd kill all of 'em.
He's Dominican, he's crazy.
The sex is good, though.
He calls me his little Chihuahua.
When I was a kid,
my dad beat the shit out of me.
Hey, thanks for reaching out to us.
Happy to have you on our show.
Well, I just wanted a chance
to tell my side of the story.
I think you're doing
the right thing.
Welcome back to the Fist,
Langley's home for sports radio,
where I'm joined by Steve Smith -
the little bastard who tricked
Johnny Concussion into retiring.
Whoa, what?!
Can you pinpoint the exact moment
you decided to destroy
the very fabric of this community?
I wasn't trying to destroy anything!
He was wandering round in a daze.
Because you drugged him.
No!
I didn't give Johnny any drugs!
Because you needed them
all for yourself.
If you're just joining us,
Steve Smith is here,
and he's high on the drugs
he was planning to use
on Johnny Concussion.
None of that is true!
I just helped a guy
who was in bad shape.
Any decent person woulda done it.
Mike in Langston,
what's your two cents?
Yeah, I think it's too bad
the boy's on drugs,
cos I want him to feel
what I'm gonna do to him.
Strong take, Mike.
Stay on the line, we're gonna hook
you up with some Laser Rats tickets.
Oh, my God,
I'm going to the Rat Hive!
Randy, what do you think
of Steve Smith?
Hate him. Wanna murder him.
No-one needs to die!
Not me, not Johnny.
It's just a game!
Just a game? Really?
Was World War II just a game?
My grandfather was born in the '40s,
so I find what you're suggesting
deeply offensive.
Caller, can you reason
with this animal?
Steve Smith is a scumbag.
Mom?
DISCONNECT TONE
I'm done! This town
has gone completely insane!
If anyone wants to continue
the conversation,
Steve will be leaving by our
south-east exit in about 30 seconds.
Hurry up!
Where am I gonna go?!
CAR HORNS
ANGRY SHOUTING
Me too!
That's the boy we agreed to kill!
STEVE SCREAMS
Dad!
Drive the boy towards me!
MOB CHANTS: Kill, kill, kill!
It's fine.
First time throwing a bolo,
not gonna beat myself up
for missing.
It's important to try new weapons.
HE SIGHS
Can I help you?
Is it possible to mail a human
to the other side of the world?
It is the policy of Packages Etc
to not ship humans.
But since you are not human
but, in fact, human garbage,
I'd love to put you in a box.
All right, you said your piece,
just ship me.
How does overnight sound?
Probably my best chance
of getting there alive.
Well, that's not how you're going.
Phew, just a white devil.
Everyone can go back to handing
each other different fruits.
THINKING: OK, Steve,
this is your only chance
to make a first impression.
I'm HERE!
Where are you from, box boy?
I come from a land far, far away,
many moons across the great sea,
a place called America.
I know where the United States is,
we're not primitives.
Oh, you'll need to get fitted
for a dick pouch.
No need, I'm exactly the size
of a C battery.
Boy, this is great!
I'm getting away
from a very fraught situation,
so chillin' out
and enjoying a little island life
is just what I need.
On this island, everybody works.
Baskets. Hm...
So, what am I, the distribution guy?
Get 'em into stores?
No, no, you make the baskets.
I don't have any training.
I'm still kind of a... little boy.
Come on, it's easy.
Over, under, over, under.
MUSIC: 'Over And Over'
by Hot Chip
Ah, finished.
Hm, if I could give you some
criticism, it's a little small.
Also it took you three months.
Oh, while I got you here, Magunga,
I wanted to put in
a vacation request.
Huh, when were you thinking?
Any couple of days
within the next...
Can't do it.
JAZZ SAXOPHONE
"I hadn't seen my brother in months.
"Almost forgotten his face.
"The streets were becoming
my brother."
ROGER: Hayley, you paid me off
two days ago,
you don't have to keep dri...
"But I did have to keep driving.
"Because, as I was saying,
"the streets were becoming
my brother."
"It had been days since Hayley
watched MasterChef Junior with me.
"I told her I'd wait for her,
but I didn't, I couldn't.
"Peyton made a souffle.
"Eight years old, making a souffle.
"Imagine that."
OK, can I just say something?
I know one of you ate my fish,
and it's bumming me out a little bit
because I wrote my name on it.
RUMBLING
Oh, I just bent a reed
on my base stitch.
Is it me or is management giving us
a lot of dry reeds lately?
Forget work! The volcano's active!
Oh, will it kill us all?
That might be nice.
If you're looking to sacrifice
a virgin,
your prayers have been answered.
No, it's boulder-pushing season.
Every time the volcano erupts,
each village sends
their strongest man,
and they race
to push a boulder into it.
Is that to, like,
stop it from exploding?
No, it's just fun!
Mikeah is from our village.
CHEERING
Hey, I've seen him around!
I'm Team Mikeah!
HORN
CHEERING
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Wow, the volcano is so steep.
I can't believe how strong they are.
Uh-oh, our boy's in trouble.
MIKEAH SCREAMS
Oh, no!
Yeah, Mikeah! Kill him!
STRAINING
ROARS TRIUMPHANTLY
We did it, we won!
Look how excited everyone is.
And why?
Cos they're not basket-weaving.
I get it now!
People spend all day at work.
The daily grind, the rat race,
the old punch in, punch out.
And the only relief
is the promise of the weekend,
when you get together
with your sad friends,
numb yourself with enough vodka
to kill a horse,
and watch an athlete
do the physically impossible
or get gravely injured trying.
And that's where you come in,
Johnny Concussion.
Will you strap on the pads again,
be the shiny something that
distracts us from our crappy lives?
They tell me that's the ball
from my first touchdown.
OK, kid, I'll do it.
But what about my dead brain?
OK, kid, I'll do it.
That's my Johnny!
ANNOUNCER: Another late hit!
Johnny really has 'em frustrated.
CHEERING
You did a good thing getting Johnny
back on the field, Steve.
Thanks, dad. And I'm sorry
your job makes you so sad.
What?
# You shake it to the left
You shake it to the right
# My wife, she caught me cheatin'
Now I sleep here at night
# Ooh, yeah
# It's at the Jumbotron! #
Wow-wa-wa-woo!
Subtitles by TVT