American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 11 - My Purity Ball and Chain - full transcript

Stan, I was cleaning your study

and found something we need to discuss.

Not my journal! How dare you?!

Those are my most private thoughts!

Okay, I confess.

Every entry was plagiarized from
"The Diary of Anne Frank."

I was staring at that blank page,

and I couldn't think of a damn thing.

I'm blocked, Francine.
I don't have it anymore.

Maybe I never did!

What? No!



I found the events calendar
for Steve's school.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot all about that

because I-I've just been
flowing on my journal.

Well, they're having an
assembly to promote abstinence.

Shouldn't they be
learning about safe sex?

Have you given Steve the talk?

Steve doesn't need the talk.
He's not ready.

Let's not tarnish the innocence
of Daddy's sexless little boy.

Sexless?! Look at him!

Ohh.

Mmm. Mmm.

Whoa! Taking control!

Rawr!

He's playing a harmless
game of Quidditch.



From "Harry Potter"?

The kid wizard with two friends and,
like, tons of problems?

Dang, girl! You a freak!

I'm not fully versed on
the rules of Quidditch,

but I think that's worth three points.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ Stop, drop ♪

♪ Shut your legs, cover your slot ♪

♪ Whoa, oh ♪

♪ That's how us virgins roll ♪

Well,I'm certainly feeling turnt...

away from sex!

This next sketch shows us
how to stand up to someone

that bullies you for
choosing abstinence.

Now, who'd like to volunteer
to play our virgin?

Yeah. Can I volunteer
to get punched in the dick?

What sucker's gonna go for...

Aah!

I got a virgin for ya!

Yeah! Mertz! Get him!

Why aren't you stopping this?!

'Cause I'm the straw that
stirs the drink, biotch.

Whoo-hoo!

Hi, Carl. Just gonna squeeze
in a quick cry before Algebra.

You know the rules.

Just don't look inside my black,
metal trunk.

- Steve!
- Oh, hey.

I wanted to introduce myself

and say how great you did onstage.

I thought it was really brave
how you stood your ground,

silently crying when Mertz pantsed you.

Then how you courageously
called out the names

of other virgins Mertz
could pick on instead...

until Principal Lewis came up

and mimed ejaculating
yogurt all over you.

And still, you did nothing...
absolutely nothing.

Weren't you about to say your name?!

I'm Shannon.

I was wondering if you'd like
to join our purity group.

We've been looking to
modernize by adding a boy,

and it's obvious you're
a committed virgin.

What's a purity group?

Really? We just had,
like, a whole assembly...

Never mind.

Uh, a group of us pledged to abstain
from any sexual activity until marriage.

- Purposefully?
- Yeah!

When you're not worrying about sex,

there's time for all kinds of fun stuff.

I-It's nerdy, but I'm writing
a play based on Deathstroke.

The supervillain from DC Comics?

You know, he prefers to go by...

...Deathstroke the Terminator,

although his real name is Slade Wilson.

And don't forget about those...

...haunting Vietnam flashbacks!

Or that he...

...murdered his first son!

Uh, eh, anyway...

...we're all meeting tonight.

Hope you can make it.

I... run... this... city!

This is the best place in the woooorld!

I'm never going hoooome!

Damn it. We came home.

We spent 12 days at that slide,

and it never got old.

I'm already starting to
forget how awesome it felt.

The anticipation climbing the ladder.

The butterflies in your
stomach right before your turn.

The permanent layer of moisture
on every restroom toilet seat.

Yes, yes! Yeah! That!

But we left those feelings behind

at the Coors Light Water
Kingdom in Oxford, Ohio.

What if we could get them back?

Look, we have a pool.
How hard can it be to build a slide?

- You ever slipped on a wet spot?
- Yeah.

Then you've already built a slide.

I'm... sorry?

We're building a sliiiiide!

"Me wake up.

"Francine there.

I do shower."

Damn it!

Journals is hard!

Stan, this is the eighth broom
we've gone through this month.

You have to have the talk with Steve!

I know.

Then why don't you do it?!

Because I'm afraid I'll do
it wrong and screw him up.

That's what happened to me.

What are you talking about?

I've... never told you

about the time my dad gave me the talk.

Although, technically,
it was more of a "watch."

Yeah. Here's a little number
I call the Chattanooga Wheelbarrow.

Might want to put on your poncho, son.

You're in the splash zone!

Hey, you got that 5 bucks
your mom gave you for candy?

Fork it over.

You're spoilin' me, Jack!

It ain't for you, you silly hooker!

This here's a smash-and-dash.

Now, Stan, I hope you're taking notes,

'cause this is how I...

Ooh! Ooh, Christ! Oh! Oh!

Looks like we struck oil!

Hand me your blankie!

I was messed up for years.

Well, you're a grown man now.

And anything you tell Steve
will be better than this.

Mmm!

Still has Shannon's scent on it.

So pure.

Well, time to crank it.

What the hell?! Get out!

I know it'll be awkward,

but you're at an age where
we have to talk about...

abstinence?

Are you... not interested in sex?

It's... It's complicated.

This really cool girl

invited me to a meeting at
the rec center tonight...

No time to talk!

To the rec center!

_

Oh, dang!
They got hopscotch up in this bitch?

Steve! You made it!

You must be Steve's dad.

I'm Shannon's father... Michael.

She mentioned he might come
pop his purity cherry tonight.

That's just a little virgin humor.

They shouldn't be the
only ones having fun.

Here. Give me your hand.

I'll introduce you to everyone.

I brought my play!

Uh, you probably don't want to read it.

You were just being nice.

No, I'd love to.

You really don't have to.

I honestly would love to read it.

You know what? Forget it.

Just give me the damn play!

Okay, I'll go get it.

Sheesh!

So, what is this purity group?

Well, in these sordid times,
we fathers have a duty to serve

as the authority and protector
of our daughter's purity...

mind and body.

We set a standard of manhood.

And until they marry a man we choose,

they pledge themselves to us.

So... it's kind of like you're
dating your own daughter?

It's exactly like that.

Only way to ensure they grow up normal.

So, do you still have to
give them the sex talk?

They can't have sex.
What's there to talk about?

We also get swords.

Shut... up!

They represent our role
as knights of purity.

So, you know,
we have study group with our dads,

movie night with our dads.

Sometimes we skip the movies
and just go to the woods

to kind of... hang out.

So... it's kind of like
you're dating your own dad?

It's exactly like that!

Huh.

Well...

'bout time for me to be hittin'
the ol' dusty trail.

Steve. My son.

Will you make me the happiest
daddy in the world...

and date me?

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Say "Yes."

Oh, please say "Yes," Steve.

If you join,
we can hang out all the time.

Um... okay, I guess?

He said "Yeeeees"!

Oh! I didn't know you guys had bells!

It's a CD. Gary has a CD player.

Hey, where were you this weekend?

Sorry. I was hanging out
with some new friends.

I also took a purity pledge.
I'm dating my dad.

A purity pledge?!

Aah!

Ohhh! Go easy, Mertz.

No. Steve, we're cool.

- I have too much respect for the pledge.
- You do?

I'd kill to have that
kind of self-control,

but I'm a slave to my carnal appetites.

I keep waking up in
beds next to strangers.

I live a dark life, Steve.

Wow. Mertz, I had no idea you
were battling such demons.

If you ever want to talk, I'm here, man.

I-I think I'd like that.

How about tomorrow?

Maybe... over breakfast?

Right after I'm done...

banging your mom!

Oh!

I'm an animal!

A broken, filthy animal!

Thank you, again, for volunteering
to help me improve my sword skills.

I didn't! Please, I beg you, don't...

Okay, that's your shoulder,

so the cucumber should be right... here.

- Stan!
- Huh?

Whoa. That is not
what I was trying to do.

Did you talk to Steve yet?

Nope. He's joined a purity group,

and now I can't give him the
talk even if I wanted to.

What?!

I said,
Steve is taking a pledge of abstinence.

I am his knight of chastity.

Also his boyfriend. And I have a sword.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to
get ready for a date with my son.

Hole-in-one!

Bombs away!

Here?

Maybe here?

I don't know.

I... think that looks right?

I guess.

Meaning we're done!

I can't believe we finished!

Whoa!

Now, that's what I'm talking about!

Um, excuse me. Who exactly are you?

I'm Kyle.

Look, uh, Kyle, was it?

We built this slide to recapture
this amazing butterfly feeling,

so if you could just respect that

and kind of what we're all about...

Suck my [bleep], losers!

Did that sound like he landed
in someone else's pool?

The kids love the purity ball.

There's dinner and speeches,

and it all ends in a beautiful
dance with their dads...

which symbolizes their commitment

to not have sex until marriage.

And not to talk about it, either.

Higher.

Higher.

Whoa!

Did you hear that guy
fart across the room?

Steve, now that we're finally alone,

can I confess something?

I... wish you were my dad.

W... hat?

You know... so... I could date you.

Oh.

What the hell is this?!

Holding hands?

You strumpets!

And what is that smell?!

I-I'm... I'm sorry!
Dad, I-I... I don't...

I should have seen this coming.

You've had way too much freedom lately.

I'm moving you back into my bedroom!

If anybody should move
into your bedroom, it's me, sir.

I made Shannon hold hands,
and I wanted more!

We should have never let a boy join!

He's obsessed!

Soiling the sanctity of the group

and horning in on our chicks!

Out! Both of you!

But then I'll have to give him the talk.

Damn it, I lost my watch!

Get over here, son.
You've got small hands.

Wait! There must be
something we can do to stay!

There is... one thing you can do.

Sex Aversion Therapy Camp?!

You say that
like it's a bad thing. Try this.

Sex Aversion Therapy Camp!

Wha... Wha... What is this?!

I don't need sex-aversion therapy!

That's a handsome couple.

Pretty beach. Wonder where that is.

Oh. Well, now they're...

now they're taking it to the bedroom.

Ooh. Little PG-13.

Ooh! Off comes the bra!

Hmm. Maybe this...
maybe this camp isn't so bad.

Oh, gross!

Stop! Turn it off!

Sweet Jesus, have mercy!

Blaaaah!

Euggggh!

Aaagh!

Ohhhh! Aaagh!

Please, stop! Stop it!

Please, stop showing me
photos of that hideous woman!

Eugggggaaaaaaaaah!

I can't believe our slide
actually got a guy killed.

What if somebody finds out?!

Everybody, just be cool!

If we all did our job,
no one's going to find out anything.

I buried our bathing
suits and the tools.

I cut Kyle's body into pieces

and dissolved it in acid.

And I have every intention

of getting rid of his board shorts.

Then that's everything.

There's not a single shred of evidence

linking us to his death.

This your slide?

Mother[bleep]. The slide.

We forgot about the slide!

Dirk Turlington, waterpark detective.

Got a report of a man missing
after riding a waterslide.

Well, not ours!

This is a slide town, guy!

Swing a dead Kyle, and you'll hit one.

I, uh... never mentioned the name Kyle.

These board shorts are mine!

Great.

You folks have yourselves
a wonderful day.

Turlington exits.

Did he...
Did he just say, "Turlington exits"?

And... done.

Again, I apologize.
That's never happened before.

Mr. Smith?

There's, uh... my boy.

You, uh... you looked tired.

Camp must have been fun.

Steve... pure.

I bet you got in a prank
war with those preppies

at the Gay Conversion
Therapy Camp across the lake!

Let's get this slide down fast.

That detective gave me the creeps.

Which detective?

Is the gate open?

It's like Grand Central back here.

Forensics came back from the lab...

says that Kyle's flight
path originated...

from this slide.

There's no way!
O-Our slide is totally safe!

Great. Then I can close the case.

Right after one of you goes down it.

No problem.

Oh, you bitch!

Just gonna test the water.

Cool!

Okay, it's... slidin' time, y'all.

- He did it!
- Alright, Roger!

Well, I guess I had it all wrong.

Case closed.

Unsolved.

Cold as chowder.

I'm a cold-chowder man.

You can really taste the clams that way.

Mmmmm.

Roger, are you okay?

That sounded... awful.

I'm cool. My hands took the worst of it.

Nothing a little ice can't fix.

The beginnings of these
dances are always so awkward.

Girls on one side of the room,
dads on the other.

Everyone's all nervous.

My trick?
Picture them in their underwear.

Yeah, that's...

Uh... thanks.

Looks like the camp went great.

I'm so glad you're here.

Um...

do you... like my dress?

Alright, fathers,
find your daughters or son,

because it's time for the
ceremonial purity dance.

Hey, bud. May I have this dance?

Okay.

Oh! Coming on a little strong, son.

I won't feel sick
if I don't look at them.

You can't even look at girls anymore?

Oh, my God.

Steve, Steve, look at me!
What is this for?

Sweeping.

You don't want to hump it? Or suck it?

Is my baby boy even in there?!

Lot of beautiful couples out there.

Lot of beautiful couples out there!

This is insane!

Steve, I'm so sorry!

But I was out of control.

No, I was the one with the problem.

I was so worried I might screw you up

that I got you involved
in this craziness,

and it screwed you up even worse!

Come on, Stan.

Everybody's gettin' freaky out here!

Enough of this.

Shannon, your dad's a creep.

Yeah.

Stan, what are you doing?

Listen up! These two like each other!

And they don't need
us getting in the way!

Step away from the door.

Don't you see?

The more we shelter them from sex,
the harder it'll be

for them to make good
decisions on their own.

Charge!

Come on!

Do you really want them
learning everything about sex

on their wedding nights?

Steve, I-I feel like ever since

you came back from the
sexual-reprogramming camp,

things have been...
different between us.

Their feelings for
each other are natural!

We should give them the
information and the space

to safely explore those feelings,

because they're people,
and sex is part of the human experience!

Aah!

Are you getting this, son?

Because I think this is
me giving you the talk.

Steve?

I think there's been enough talk.

I can't hold out much longer, son!

Jump kick!

Dad, you're awake!

Is it the future?
Did we make it to Mars?

Are Legos affordable again?

Not quite, but, Dad,

thanks for protecting me
and Shannon back there.

I should have all along.

I put so much pressure
on having the talk,

but there shouldn't be one talk.

It should be talks.

I may not have every answer,

but if you have questions,
you can always ask me.

I do have one question.

May I have this dance?

Thanks for making me horny again, Dad.

And... I'm out.

Have a great night!