American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 3 - The Enlightenment of Ragi-Baba - full transcript

McManahan Industries.

There's no Tasha here, pal.

Oh! You mean, Tasha Flunchen,

supermodel
and international party girl!

This is she.

Berco, best agent in the biz!

Whatcha got for me?
Runway work? Victoria's Secret?

Don't lie to me,
am I the new face of Grape Nuts?

Actually, Tasha, I called

to wish you
a happy 28th birthday.

You are sweet as candy!



And to let you know
that we're dropping you.

Eat shit and die, Berco!

I'm sorry, baby.

You're 28.

The camera
doesn't love you anymore!

It's your time to shine, Nadia.

No!

That was my lasagna, bro!

I cooked it

for the Langley Falls
lasagna competition!

It's really good.

You probably would've won.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪



♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

I'm so sad, leave me alone!

Roger, I'm trying to meditate!

Are you crying?

No.

Why, d-do you think
you heard something?

What happened in here?

My modeling career is over!

The camera
doesn't love me anymore.

No one loves me anymore.

So you only feel good about
yourself if strangers love you?

You know it!

Ever since Tasha
was discovered at the age of 14

in the mall food court,

innocently going to town
on that big ol' corn dog.

Listen, I've been going to this
meditation center for a while,

and, well, uh,
it's given me so much clarity.

I'm sure you've heard people

talking about it
around the house.

Yeah, I think I heard Klaus
mention something.

Why don't you come down to
the meditation center with me?

I think it could really help you
learn to love yourself.

I love myself all the time!

At least once in the morning

and usually
right before I go to sleep.

Well, sounds like
your afternoon's wide open.

Yeah, we can go
right after I jerk off!

Should...

should we turn on the TV?

I hope you guys are hungry,

because I got us
dinner reservations!

We're gonna try something
new and exciting...

Sushi!

Geez, Francine, we just tried
stromboli two years ago.

Can you let us
catch our damn breath?

Oh, please, Stan.

You know I've been wanting to
get more culture in our lives.

Culture?

I thought you said you wanted
more vulture in our lives.

Fine, I'll go, but you're gonna
have to figure out

what to do with these gentlemen.

It's all right.

We have tickets to the theater,

and if we don't leave now,
we shall miss the curtain.

I'll have Marcus
bring up the car.

Marcus is another bird.

I'm so nervous.

What if everyone notices me
and calls me names?

What if one of the names
is Piss Head?

Roger, this place
is about removing anxiety.

They love me,
and they're gonna love you.

Okay.

Welcome, everyone.

I hope
I'm not being too forceful.

You're fine.

I'm Chad, this is Gina,

and this is a giant crystal.

The three of us will be
guiding you today.

Oh, looks like we have
some new faces.

Hi.
Hi.

Welcome.
Welcome.

Hello.
Hi.

Hi.
Hello.

Welcome.
Welcome.

Hi.
Hello.

Are you... Are you waiting
for me to respond?

Hi. Hello.

Mm.

Welcome.

Now, let's all close our eyes
and breathe in deeply.

Then breathe out,

letting the air
and all your worries evacuate.

Remember, each and every
one of you is perfect.

Except for Dave.
Where's Dave?

Your credit card was declined,
so you have to go.

What a dick.

Irasshaimase!
Irasshaimase!

Whoa! What was that?!
They're just greeting us.

Oh.

Wassup!

Wassup!
Wassup!

No menus.
If I wanted to read,

I'd eat at the library,
but I can't.

I got banned for getting mustard

on the "Guinness Book
of World Records".

Why don't I start you with a
California roll and some forks?

This place is Japanese, right?

Maybe one of these dudes
can fix my old Walkman.

The California roll.

It looks weird.

This is amazing!

My stomach is jealous of
my mouth for getting it first!

We must understand it!

Seaweed...
cucumber...

Maggots?
To bind it together?

That's rice. Of course! Rice!

The rich man's maggots!

Garçon!

Who is responsible
for this sushi?

We must tell him that,

like seeing cherry blossoms
on a still lake,

his food is greater
than the sum of its parts.

Or like
the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

once they've morphed
into the Megazord.

I must learn the chef's secrets.

Unfortunately, Chef Haruki

will tell no one
the secrets of his trade.

Not even his own son.
Nonsense, Hisashi!

Anyone who compares my sushi
to the Megazord

obviously has the finest taste

and has earned the right
to know my secrets.

What?!
Come back tomorrow,

and I will teach you all
there is to know about sushi.

No way I'm going to
sleep tonight... too pumped.

Mind if I just wait around
outside 'til you're open?

Never mind,
you don't own the sidewalk.

I don't need your permission.

You're not the boss of me...
Until tomorrow!

Hayley, I am pumped
to do some introspection today.

I'm so glad you love this place
as much as I do, Roger.

Hey, Molly! Okay. Hi, Ragi!

So good to see you!

It fills me with such light
to see you, Molly.

Roger, have you been coming here
without me?

Hmm, have I?

Welcome back, everyone.
Namaste.

Namaste, Ragi-Baba. Namaste, Ragi-Baba.
Namaste, Ragi-Baba.

Oh, looks like
we have a new face.

What's your name?

Me?
Ah, hell no!

He's taking over
the whole place!

Oh, good,
at least I can take this class

taught by Dalton Galloway.

Oh, Hayley, does Dalton Galloway

sound like a real person to you?

Grow up.
It's me.

Why is Ragi-Baba
teaching all the classes?!

Well, it's his
meditation center now.

Wait, you sold him the center?

No, we didn't sell it to him.

He took it from us.

Hayley, you must understand

it's very easy to take over
a meditation center.

We're very passive people.

You should have seen the pussies
we pushed out of here.

People always ask me, what is
the secret to enlightenment?

And I always tell them,

"You must give yourself
permission to be enlightened."

That is so wise.

Thanks, tits.

You need to stop this right now!

You're the one
who said I should meditate.

Yeah, meditate, not take over
the entire meditation center

and make it all about you!

I see what's up.
You're frustrated

because I mastered meditation
in one week

and you're still
super bad at it.

No.

I'm mad because this place
is a sanctuary for me,

and you're going to ruin it!

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

What is that?

Is that from a movie?
Is that from history?

I don't know,
it-it's something.

Anyway, relax, Hayley.

This place ain't changing a bit.

Oh, look, the statue's here!

Perfect!
Light it up!

Welcome to training.

I see you have brought
your own uniforms.

We didn't want to show up
looking like

a bunch of assholes,
so I hopped on Amazon.

Mine's supposed to be
for an American Girl doll,

but you don't have to tell them
why you're buying it.

Okay.

Now, the first thing we do
is wash the day's rice.

On it!
Oh, yeah!

Oh, no!

W-What is it,
Haruki?

Have we dishonored you?

No.

You have dishonored the rice.

The rice is the most important
ingredient in sushi.

If even a single grain
is mistreated,

the meal will be ruined.

Are you...?
Massaging the rice?

Hai.

That must make it feel
so special.

It does, but to be safe,

you must then tell it
that it is special.

You are a beautiful
grain of rice.

I would very much like
to marry you.

This will be the perfect place
to learn my father's secrets.

Ba-zinga.
Ba-zinga.

Whenever the cucumber shipment
is late,

I like to look at
a picture of my son's mother.

She was the love of my life...

And an amazing prostitute.

Our next guest today on "Mimosa"

is Langley's
leading spiritual guru,

a best-selling author...

and the on-set meditation coach
for the cast of "Nashville."

Please welcome
Ragi-Baba!

Trish, Sues,
thanks for having me.

Now, before we begin,

I just want to
set the record straight.

I'm no guru.

Call me whatever's above that.

Sanctuary!

Th-That's something, right?
W-What is that?

Uh-oh!

It looks like we've got a 'bush!

Ah, snap,
this is a talk-show ambush!

That's right!

We have someone who claims
they have dirt on you!

Please welcome Hayley Smith!

Thanks Trish or Sues.

I'll get right to the dirt.

Ragi-Baba claims to be
a selfless meditation guru,

but look...

He's actually only doing it
for the attention,

not unlike a certain
vapid supermodel I know.

What does Ragi-Baba
have to do

with pear-shaped beauty
Tasha Flunchen?!

Yeah, Hayley, those two people
couldn't be more different!

Except they're both beautiful
and went to Bowling Green.

Look at the photos, Ragi!

Admit it.

You're just in it for the fame.

Oh, my God...

you're right.

In trying to find myself...

Can I get a light change?

In trying to find myself...

little music would be nice.

In trying to find myself,

I put all my stock
in how others view me,

no different than proud Bowling
Green Falcon Tasha Flunchen.

That is why I,
Ragi-Baba,

am gonna do the only thing
there is to do.

I'm going to go
into the mountains to be alone

and finally find validation
from within.

Well, that was fun.

Now let's check back in
with Curtis,

our smoothie expert,
and see how it's coming along!

I should probably watch this.

I like to throw a banana
in there...

Really gives it
that banana taste!

Remember to be patient.

The right fish will find us.

There!

Whoa!
That's a beauty!

No! Haruki, please!
Don't cry!

What is wrong with the fish?

To my eye, it is the freshest
in the market.

Let the chefs who do not have
our skill use the best fish.

The secret to great sushi
is bad fish.

Only then can the chef
truly have influence on it.

Oh, duh.

There!
A rotting trout!

Shall we buy it, Master Haruki?

Wait, why?!

I've always wanted to know
why you buy rotten fish!

Oh, did, uh, you guys
hear something?

Uh, is the wind talking?

He hates when I do this.

Hayley, do you really think

you're going to be able
to find Roger up here?

I have to try.
I-I feel so guilty.

It's my fault he came up here,

and I-I just want to make sure
he's okay.

Huh.

I wonder if any of those people
know where he is.

Hayley!
Thank God.

You got to get me out of here!

Roger, what is this place?

This place?

It's a self-sustaining
collective utopia

that was built in my honor.

It's horrible.

Come on, I'll show you around.

I think there's a meditation
room somewhere over there.

Organic farm over there.

They built a hydroelectric dam
or something over there.

This is amazing.

Look at all these people
living in harmony!

There he is!
Ragi-Baba!

I shut the hell up,
just like you instructed.

And when I did, I was finally
able to listen to my son!

We're talking again!

Ragi-Baba, I left you alone
for five goddamn minutes,

just like you asked!

Now may I have your holy touch?

Touch me!
Touch me!

I'm not touching anybody!

Now leave me alone!

Roger, this is incredible!

You're actually helping
these people!

Who cares if I'm helping them?

The whole point of this
was to help me!

Oh, God.
Is that...

Poison punch?
Yes, it's poison punch.

You can't kill your followers!

Jeff, can you hand me
my shaman stick, please?

Ragi-Baba, thank you
for stick-blessing my wife.

Jeff, you've got to untie me!

Whoa, Jeff, buddy,
you're on punch duty.

Sorry, babe, my hands are tied.

Ha!
Your hands are tied!

We're perfect for each other!

Roger, you don't have to
kill your followers!

Have you meditated on this?

Meditation?
Isn't that phoney-baloney?

Phoney-baloney?!

Roger,
you're one of the country's

leading experts on meditation!

I was faking!

I would just close my eyes

and try to remember all
the "Road Rules" cast members.

You got Ibis, you got Theo...

Roger!

Now is the time
to try meditation for real.

I promise it will help.

Okay, but no funny business.

A lot of lives
are at stake here.

He hates it.

You...

have mastered the art of sushi.

Oh, thank God!

As a token of your achievement,

I grant you...

ownership of this restaurant.

What?!

But I hoped one day,
it would be mine.

I am sorry, Hisashi.

I would give you the restaurant
if I could,

but you must understand

I have already given it
to Stan and Steve.

What will you do now, Haruki?

I bought an RV!

I'm finally taking
this piece of rice

on the honeymoon it deserves.

Okay, bye-bye!

Don't worry, Hisashi.

We're gonna be
totally cool bosses.

Like, very cool bosses.

I got to be honest
with you, Hisashi,

I don't think
this is working out.

Hey, Jeff, make sure every cup
gets a pineapple and a cherry...

Oh, and heaps of poison.

All right, Hayley,
I'm all yours.

Okay, just relax and breathe.

I don't think
this is going to work, but okay.

It's working!

How did you...?

What is happening?!

This must be enlightenment!

It feels so good!

♪ If only there could be ♪

♪ Another way to do this ♪

♪ 'Cause it feels like murder ♪

♪ To put your heart
through this ♪

♪ I know I always said... ♪

Welcome to Nirvana.

I don't ever want to leave!

C-Can we, like,
live here?

You are welcome to stay
for all eternity.

But here, there is no living.

There is only being.

Being?
What's that?

Being is nothing.

Being is everything.

Okay, everything!

So that means
you have Netflix, right?

'Cause I've been watching
"Cheers".

Like, from the beginning.

And I got to know
if Carla and Coach get together

and do the nastay.

Carla and Coach?
That wasn't a storyline.

You had Sam and Diane,
then Sam and Rebecca.

And you can't forget Woody.
Who's Woody?

Who's Woody?!

Oh, my God, you have so many
good episodes ahead of you.

I mean, there's no
replacing Coach, but...

You know what?

I got to go back
and watch some "Cheers".

Lawrence, come on, don't go!

Lawrence! Ugh!

Great!
We lost Lawrence.

Look, this is so much better
than Earth.

No beginning, no end.

No birth, no death.

No birth?

But you do have birthdays,
right?

I got to have my birthday week.

10 days!
Starts on a Friday.

One full weekend,
then four birthday weekdays,

then we pound out
one more weekend.

Four brunches, bitch!

Ugh, I miss brunch.

You know Blow Bird loves
his Bloody Mary spicy.

Alan?!
You, too?!

Okay.

You must stop encouraging
other spirits to leave.

And there is no brunch here!

No Netflix,
no brunch, and no birthdays.

Okay, this place
is bumming me out.

Time to go, Hayley. What?! No!

I'm staying!
You can't.

I'm pretty sure
you're my plus one.

She's just my plus one, right?

Yeah. All right, we outtie!

Wait!

Aw, man, now I'm stuck here
with just Nathan.

Y-You know,
I just don't think

I could go another minute
without a soft pretzel.

Sure, I could've stayed
in nirvana.

I was definitely a natural,

but I would've had to
give up all my stuff.

Yeah, I think
that's the lesson I learned...

The most important thing in life
is stuff.

Thank you
for teaching me that, Hayley.

Next time I see you crying,

remind me not to care.

I wasn't crying,
you were crying.

Oh, no, what's wrong, babe?

"Hunchback of Notre Dame"!

That's what
the "sanctuary" thing was from!

Domo arigato!
Domo arigato!

Papa...

is this contentment?

Yes, son.

A job well-done
supplies contentment.

Stan?! Steve?!

Are you up there?!

I stepped away
to get my Walkman fixed,

and you guys disappear
for weeks?!

What the dudes?!

Bye! Have a great time!