American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 4 - Portrait of Francine's Genitals - full transcript
Stan becomes outraged when a painting of Francine's genitalia is placed in a museum.
Tell me I'm wrong, 'cause I'm
never wrong about oatmeal.
(slurp!)
You know, you really can
taste a difference
with the steel-cut.
Thank you.
Thank you for trusting me
to take you on this
breakfast journey.
Shit!
Uh, excuse you.
They did it.
They finally did it.
Finally made a Junior Jumble
you couldn't master, huh?
Here, let me take a look.
They freakin' did it!
Did what?!
The Langley Falls Art Museum
has acquired the paintings...
of Reynolds...
- Jasperterian.
- Who's that?
It's philistine attitudes
like that
that have kept this rinky-dink
burg off the cultural map!
Roger, please, your tone!
You know who's the best artist?
Gary Larson.
He took us all to the far side
and kept us chuckling.
(sighs)
You know, Roger,
I knew Reynolds Jasperterian.
You did?
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.
Francine, do we have any honey?
(footsteps recede)
(squirt!)
What?!
You knew Reynolds Jasperterian?!
Knew him?
He painted my portrait.
Ahem!
The Smiths are going
to the art museum!
That includes me.
I took Hayley's last name.
I'm the wife!
(patriotic music plays)
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 13 Episode 04
"N.S.A./Portrait of Francine's Genitals"
Precisely Synchronized by srjanapala
MAN: Fearing it was
hurting his art,
Jasperterian spurned the party
scene of New York City.
But he died anyway of
party-related diseases
in the arms of the wife he had
so often humiliated.
Roger, I'm surprised.
I thought Reynolds Jasperterian
was gonna be you.
I gotta tell you, I did, too.
"I capture forever and share
the most exceptional beauty
in the world."
(gasps) Oh, Reynolds.
Big whoop. I'm in the CIA.
(camera shutters clicking)
What's this line for?
To see Jasperterian's
masterpiece.
Does it have two funny animals
and a joke?
A fat kid wearing glasses
and a hilarious
observation underneath?
If not, I'm like that T. Rex
watching the asteroid
hurl towards earth.
"Uh, check, please."
No!
It's his "Portrait of
Francine's Genitals."
Wait, what?!
Astounding.
What an achievement.
(horror-movie music plays)
No!
All of you, stop looking!
Don't look at this!
This is private!
Take your eyes off this!
MAN: Clean-up on aisle
mid-century, post-Modernism.
Nobody look!
(screaming)
Oh, yeah, I forgot
to tell you kids,
the portrait is of my box.
STEVE: I can't unsee
any of this, can I?
Where did you get
that falafel pita?
I had it in my pocket.
(laughing)
Ah. Stan Smith,
the fellow whose wife's pudenda
we all saw
on the wall of the art museum.
I also got the tote bag.
And I stuffed it with zucchinis.
I thought last year's Matisse
exhibition was a thrill.
But to witness a Jasperterian
in person.
You shut your filthy mouth!
(chuckling) Oh, yes.
It's going to be
a very amusing day.
(yells)
Oh, what a day.
This is some day, I'll tell ya.
Steve, what are you doing
out there?
Yeah, you're usually
in your room,
moaning at some
mysterious activity.
Well, I had my normal afternoon
all planned out.
Shades were drawn,
my favorite pages were
bookmarked and waiting for me.
My Korean micro-fiber
polishing mitten
rinsed out and almost dry.
I untied the drawstring of
my loose-fitting Gypsy pants.
Okay, set the scene less.
But there was one problem.
No matter what I looked at,
all I saw was...
that painting.
(screams)
I think I'm broken!
It's no big deal, Steve.
Mom's always flashing me
that thing.
"Does this look right to you?"
Ew.
Maybe you can use your newfound
time to help people.
Like how I'm helping Jeff
with his coloring.
I'm ready for red now.
Are you sure you're done
with the green?
Wait! One more thing.
(humming)
You!
You embarrassed me in front
of everybody!
- By making London broil?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't drag your delicious
London broil
into a conversation
about that filthy painting!
Are you still upset about that?
That painting was years ago.
Besides, it's an honor
to inspire great art.
I don't intend to share
my property
with the low-brow pond scum
that frequent art museums.
I'm sorry, Stan, did you say
your property?
Well, yeah.
That part of you is owned by me.
That's what our wedding
was all about, right?
I hope you can learn to enjoy
the portrait, Stan,
because you don't deserve
to enjoy the real thing!
Francine, wait!
KLAUS: Oh, hi, Francine.
Excited for that London broil.
Oh, okay, you're
storming upstairs.
Francine!
She stormed upstairs
in a huff, Stan!
Oh, but maybe you'd like
to come in,
chat with your friend Klaus,
maybe clean my bowl!
Yeah, maybe.
Let me think it over.
Okay.
It's just that Roger's
minor-league baseball character
Rusty Buntafolio spits tobacco
in my bowl when he's frustrated.
(door slams)
Oh, hey, Rusty.
How was the game?
RUSTY: Horrible! (growls)
They pulled me after one pitch.
My arm feels like
a sock full of sand.
They're sending me down
to Delmarva, I just know it.
Rusty, please!
(Rusty spits,
water splashes lightly)
I don't understand!
You have an empty Slurpee cup!
WOMAN: It's so brave, you know,
to empower a woman's body
through art.
Yeah. I-I love how...
how it's so feminist.
We're just friends, Duncan.
Right, right, definitely.
Hey.
Is this truly a great painting?
Um, yeah. Definitely.
I-I mean, the way the artist
takes her most private space
and exposes it
for all of us to consume.
You sick little man!
Oh!
Not in front of my girlfriend!
Your what?
My nothing.
Art fan, huh? Me too.
I love art.
Stealing it, that is.
Tato Montacello...
art heist guy.
Of course! Steal the painting!
Exactly.
And I'm gonna help ya,
because, are you ready?
This is a good one.
I cannot believe this hasn't
been in a movie already.
Stealing art is
the greatest art of all.
Oh, screw you, Stan!
If Gary Larson drew a cow
with curlers in its hair
saying that, you'd be dying!
(chuckles) "Check, please."
(laughing)
(engine revving)
So, you want to steal
a painting.
Well, you're gonna need a crew.
And the crew is here in Monaco?
Oh, we're just in Monaco
because Monaco
is where you have
this conversation.
Most of the crew
is Jersey-based.
Now, you need a crew
you can trust.
But trust among art thieves?
Let's just say it's rarer
than a Picasso.
Are Picassos rare?
Wait, we could have had this
conversation in the kitchen?
Oh, please! You wanted this
trip, you needed this trip.
What, with the stress you have
going on with the painting.
Stan, trust me,
you needed to relax.
And the walking tour?
You didn't enjoy that?
I was impressed
by the walking tour.
Exactly!
That's the Monaco most tourists
don't get to see.
Anyway, we should really
be getting back.
Our flight's in, like,
an hour and a half.
Damn it, we're gonna be late!
Hold on!
(tires squeal)
(sniffling)
Are you crying?
What?! Of course not!
Because Stan and Roger
have time to fly to Monaco
but no time to change
my bowl water?
(voice breaking) You think
I'm crying because of that?
Helping Klaus.
That could count
as helping people.
Oh, it definitely counts.
Don't doubt yourself
for a second.
Helping others
is my new hobby...
ever since I saw the painting
of Mom's junk.
Sure, sure.
Whatever road brought you here.
Ugh! This is filthy!
Shouldn't you have a bowl
with a filter?
All that aquarium stuff?
Yes. Yes, I should.
But that might be expensive.
Let's agree to go to the store,
but maybe not buy anything.
Yes! A small win for Klaus!
He was a phenomenal talent,
but to me,
he was just... Reynolds.
Mmm, yes. And you'd say
you opened up to him.
(laughter)
I admit this is
the Art History minor talking,
but I would really like
to hear about
Jasperterian's ideas on...
You shut your filthy mouth,
Dick!
- Stan!
- Relax, Smith.
Just art lovers discussing
the glorious painting
of your wife's thingamaboo.
Although I must apologize
for Dick.
He was out of line.
Well, we're off to the
Mapplethorpe exhibit at the Met.
With any luck,
that will get us hard.
Francine, can't you see
you're embarrassing me?
Genitals aren't something that
should be shown to the world!
They're not called show-nitals.
The term "genitals" comes from
the Aladdin word genie,
and like a genie,
they should only come out
when they're rubbed.
Stan, you're embarrassing
yourself.
(clears throat)
Tato Montacello, art heist...
Wait, did I already do
my introduction?
Yeah, we went to Monaco.
Really? Long way to go
to meet somebody.
Anyway, tonight, we make
that painting disappear!
To pull off this heist,
we need muscle.
The Ignatiev Twins weigh
700 pounds combined
and grew up eating
raw horse meat in Dagestan.
They still love horse meat...
it's disgusting.
Their breath smells
like horse meat.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Next, we need a lockpick.
Claude Verdeer is the Belgian
with the smallest fingers
in the world.
It's gross, and he always wants
to shake hands.
But I know he can tell that
I don't want to shake hands.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Then we'll need
an explosives guy.
We can either get
Bang Bang Fukanawa or Josh.
Fine, get Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Wait, why do we need
an explosives guy?
Won't the Belgian guy get us in?
Hmm. Good point.
I thought we agreed
no explosives guy.
Right.
Josh, wait!
(explosion)
Josh, the guy we didn't need,
was supposed to be
Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Oh, so I was second choice?!
Look, you're here and he's not.
Chicharito, the Guatemalan
contortionist.
Finally, we need a sexually
explosive, unpredictable woman.
(cellphone chimes)
(Russian accent)
Tato, is PayPal.
Payment no go through.
Hmm.
Well, do you accept...
karate chops?!
(smack!)
(whispering)
Stan, finish him off.
That's the last time
you screw me, Tato.
(alarm blares)
Mmm!
Maybe one more time.
(screams)
MAN: Hey!
(panting)
Okay, let's give each other
notes on the heist.
Stan, good job, but I thought
you could have worn
a better outfit.
What else?
I'd work with Josh again.
Look, thanks for the help,
Roger, but this is a solo job.
A solo job?
Sounds like Steve before he got
into helping people.
I wonder if he's still
doing that.
Aah!
We're talking top to bottom
tank renovation here.
Steve, what's gotten into you?
Your skin is clearer,
your voice sounds deeper.
Oh, it started happening
once I stopped touching myself
all the time.
Funny, I find
the more I touch myself,
the deeper my voice gets.
Now, let's talk about
premium aquarium filters.
Sounds like what you want
is a Tunze AquaWind.
You sure?
'Cause I been hearing good
things about the new DeSanio's.
(laughs) Sure,
if you want to replace it
every four weeks.
Sounds like I better do
a little more research.
You know, it's really weird that
you own an aquarium store.
The regulars here think
it's weird I'm a principal.
Excuse me.
I'd like to see somebody
about getting a painting
taken down.
I'm sick of arguing about it
with my husband.
It makes him... uncomfortable.
An uncomfortable husband?
The director will want to hear
about this straightaway!
Excuse me, are you... crying?
Uh, yes, I suppose I was.
It's just this reminds me
of my genitals
when they were young and flush.
Are you copying this painting?
Trying.
It's an assignment for class.
"Copy the Masters."
But, gosh, I'm no Jasperterian.
How did he know
what to leave out?!
It's boota-ful!
(panting) There you are.
Our director will see you
in just a moment.
(gasps)
The woman changed her mind.
Sylvia, we have an intercom.
That portrait certainly does
inspire intense fascination.
Last night, we had
a thwarted robbery attempt.
Oh, no!
I'm afraid so.
Hence the need for another
security guard.
We're lucky you walked in.
And with your CIA experience.
Now, you do resemble a maniac
our guards...
Right, but as I explained,
that man did not have
a mustache.
He did, however,
have a flag pin.
But...
But...
he did not have a mustache.
And I can see that you do.
You're hired, Stan.
Or should I say,
Mr. Night Watchman?
(both laughing)
Yeesh.
Kind of creepy in here at night.
You like looking at my wife?
Huh, you little perv?!
Well, it's over!
I'm gonna take this painting
home and destroy it!
Ah, that was easy.
Did you hear what that oaf said?
I'm not interested
in his wife's vagina.
I'm completely homosexual.
All art is gay.
(high-pitched laughing)
(squeaking)
Where the (bleep) are my arms?!
A shocking crime
at the Langley Museum.
The famous "Portrait of
Francine's Genitals"...
Hi, Francine!...
has been stolen.
(crying) He made me feel
so beautiful.
Francine, we already lost
the painting.
Don't go losing your cool.
(whistling)
Stan, have you seen
my lucky jock strap?
(sighs) The rumors are true,
I'm Delmarva-bound.
Hey, the painting we stole!
Are you torching it?
This painting has brought me
nothing but embarrassment.
I don't want anyone
to ever see it again.
Not even one person,
like a rich, shady buyer
with 100K to burn?
He's not gonna want anyone
to know he has it.
No one else would ever see it.
Hmm.
I'm calling my coke dealer.
Wow, he can afford the painting?
Oh, yeah, maybe he could buy
the painting!
Hi, I have some, uh,
pretty serious concerns
about the flow through
on the 6500.
WOMAN: Sounds like
you know your stuff.
Here at Tunze, we pride
ourselves on flow through
and will beat any competitor
on suction.
Ha ha. Wha-what was that?
Why don't I walk you through it?
What's your name?
- I-I'm Steve.
- I'm Lindsey.
Well, actually,
we're up to the 6900 now.
That baby satisfies everyone.
It gobbles up dirt and filth,
and when you can see
the chambers
about to be at overflow,
you just shoot it all
out the release shaft.
Oh. Oh, okay.
W-W-Would you mind
actually walking me
through a couple other models?
Yeah, yeah, this is what I
should have in my loft, man.
This is what I should have...
a big painting of
a woman's just, thing
just hanging right there, right?
Yep, exactly.
Listen, could we hurry this up?
I-I really can't have my wife...
Stan, have you seen Rusty's
lucky jock strap?
What is that?
- Um...
- You stole the painting?
(chuckling) Oh, man!
What a busted scene.
Get out of here, Delmonico!
You know Delmonico?
Everybody knows Delmonico!
Francine, I can explain.
At least when you wanted
to get rid of it,
it was about privacy!
But now, trying to sell it
to our coke dealer?!
I see you don't have
any principles at all!
Oh, ho, wow.
Well, I'm gonna go see if I can
sell Francine some drugs.
What am I doing here?
I need a hard look at myself.
You sure do.
Hey, would it be funny
if I was an airplane?
(imitates airplane)
(buzzer)
WOMAN: Hello?
Hi, um, Mrs. Jasperterian?
You don't know me, but I think
you're the only person
who could help me right now.
This place really stirs
something in me.
My husband was inspired
by the vistas,
which is all the more remarkable
when you remember
Reynolds was blind.
He... He was?
Blind as a bat.
From the day he was born.
So, he never saw
what he was painting.
Nope.
Somehow that
makes me feel better.
- He painted by touch.
- Excuse me?
Yes, he was very tactile.
He really wanted
to get his hands
all over anything
he was painting,
get the feel of it.
Rub it, pull it
between his fingers.
(coughing)
You okay, Stan?
No, I'm not!
You're talking about my wife!
No, I'm talking about
what Reynolds did
to your wife's vagina.
He took it
and he turned it into art.
Once it's art,
it's not your wife anymore.
Huh. I never thought about it
like that.
Look, let me ask you this, Stan.
Once the plaster cast dried,
was that mug still my butthole?
♪♪
Steve, how's the filter coming?
The fresh water's nice,
but it's already getting
dirty again.
What?
Oh, I'm not doing that now.
No, your voice!
But that means...
Let's just say
I hope Lindsey's call
was monitored and recorded,
'cause it was sexy as hell!
Oh, Steve.
You sound just like Lindsey.
(door slams)
STAN: Of course, you all know
the story of this painting...
stolen, missing,
but then returned.
Bad luck for you, Stan.
Now we get to see your wife's
Trapper Keeper whenever we wish.
Hmm.
Art can have a powerful effect
on people.
I like to think the thief,
whoever he was,
took a good, long look
at this painting
and he realized Jasperterian
truly did capture
and share the most extraordinary
beauty in the world.
Angela, let's take one
last trip to Paris.
It's boota-ful!
Maybe, Duncan, we can be...
more than friends.
(retches)
Sorry, Candace.
Don't apologize.
I'm a barf babe.
Jasperterian transformed
something intimate
into something we can all share.
But only I get the real thing.
Mmm! Mmm!
MAN: There's the maniac who
tried to steal the painting!
Where?!
Bye, have a beautiful time!
never wrong about oatmeal.
(slurp!)
You know, you really can
taste a difference
with the steel-cut.
Thank you.
Thank you for trusting me
to take you on this
breakfast journey.
Shit!
Uh, excuse you.
They did it.
They finally did it.
Finally made a Junior Jumble
you couldn't master, huh?
Here, let me take a look.
They freakin' did it!
Did what?!
The Langley Falls Art Museum
has acquired the paintings...
of Reynolds...
- Jasperterian.
- Who's that?
It's philistine attitudes
like that
that have kept this rinky-dink
burg off the cultural map!
Roger, please, your tone!
You know who's the best artist?
Gary Larson.
He took us all to the far side
and kept us chuckling.
(sighs)
You know, Roger,
I knew Reynolds Jasperterian.
You did?
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.
Francine, do we have any honey?
(footsteps recede)
(squirt!)
What?!
You knew Reynolds Jasperterian?!
Knew him?
He painted my portrait.
Ahem!
The Smiths are going
to the art museum!
That includes me.
I took Hayley's last name.
I'm the wife!
(patriotic music plays)
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 13 Episode 04
"N.S.A./Portrait of Francine's Genitals"
Precisely Synchronized by srjanapala
MAN: Fearing it was
hurting his art,
Jasperterian spurned the party
scene of New York City.
But he died anyway of
party-related diseases
in the arms of the wife he had
so often humiliated.
Roger, I'm surprised.
I thought Reynolds Jasperterian
was gonna be you.
I gotta tell you, I did, too.
"I capture forever and share
the most exceptional beauty
in the world."
(gasps) Oh, Reynolds.
Big whoop. I'm in the CIA.
(camera shutters clicking)
What's this line for?
To see Jasperterian's
masterpiece.
Does it have two funny animals
and a joke?
A fat kid wearing glasses
and a hilarious
observation underneath?
If not, I'm like that T. Rex
watching the asteroid
hurl towards earth.
"Uh, check, please."
No!
It's his "Portrait of
Francine's Genitals."
Wait, what?!
Astounding.
What an achievement.
(horror-movie music plays)
No!
All of you, stop looking!
Don't look at this!
This is private!
Take your eyes off this!
MAN: Clean-up on aisle
mid-century, post-Modernism.
Nobody look!
(screaming)
Oh, yeah, I forgot
to tell you kids,
the portrait is of my box.
STEVE: I can't unsee
any of this, can I?
Where did you get
that falafel pita?
I had it in my pocket.
(laughing)
Ah. Stan Smith,
the fellow whose wife's pudenda
we all saw
on the wall of the art museum.
I also got the tote bag.
And I stuffed it with zucchinis.
I thought last year's Matisse
exhibition was a thrill.
But to witness a Jasperterian
in person.
You shut your filthy mouth!
(chuckling) Oh, yes.
It's going to be
a very amusing day.
(yells)
Oh, what a day.
This is some day, I'll tell ya.
Steve, what are you doing
out there?
Yeah, you're usually
in your room,
moaning at some
mysterious activity.
Well, I had my normal afternoon
all planned out.
Shades were drawn,
my favorite pages were
bookmarked and waiting for me.
My Korean micro-fiber
polishing mitten
rinsed out and almost dry.
I untied the drawstring of
my loose-fitting Gypsy pants.
Okay, set the scene less.
But there was one problem.
No matter what I looked at,
all I saw was...
that painting.
(screams)
I think I'm broken!
It's no big deal, Steve.
Mom's always flashing me
that thing.
"Does this look right to you?"
Ew.
Maybe you can use your newfound
time to help people.
Like how I'm helping Jeff
with his coloring.
I'm ready for red now.
Are you sure you're done
with the green?
Wait! One more thing.
(humming)
You!
You embarrassed me in front
of everybody!
- By making London broil?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't drag your delicious
London broil
into a conversation
about that filthy painting!
Are you still upset about that?
That painting was years ago.
Besides, it's an honor
to inspire great art.
I don't intend to share
my property
with the low-brow pond scum
that frequent art museums.
I'm sorry, Stan, did you say
your property?
Well, yeah.
That part of you is owned by me.
That's what our wedding
was all about, right?
I hope you can learn to enjoy
the portrait, Stan,
because you don't deserve
to enjoy the real thing!
Francine, wait!
KLAUS: Oh, hi, Francine.
Excited for that London broil.
Oh, okay, you're
storming upstairs.
Francine!
She stormed upstairs
in a huff, Stan!
Oh, but maybe you'd like
to come in,
chat with your friend Klaus,
maybe clean my bowl!
Yeah, maybe.
Let me think it over.
Okay.
It's just that Roger's
minor-league baseball character
Rusty Buntafolio spits tobacco
in my bowl when he's frustrated.
(door slams)
Oh, hey, Rusty.
How was the game?
RUSTY: Horrible! (growls)
They pulled me after one pitch.
My arm feels like
a sock full of sand.
They're sending me down
to Delmarva, I just know it.
Rusty, please!
(Rusty spits,
water splashes lightly)
I don't understand!
You have an empty Slurpee cup!
WOMAN: It's so brave, you know,
to empower a woman's body
through art.
Yeah. I-I love how...
how it's so feminist.
We're just friends, Duncan.
Right, right, definitely.
Hey.
Is this truly a great painting?
Um, yeah. Definitely.
I-I mean, the way the artist
takes her most private space
and exposes it
for all of us to consume.
You sick little man!
Oh!
Not in front of my girlfriend!
Your what?
My nothing.
Art fan, huh? Me too.
I love art.
Stealing it, that is.
Tato Montacello...
art heist guy.
Of course! Steal the painting!
Exactly.
And I'm gonna help ya,
because, are you ready?
This is a good one.
I cannot believe this hasn't
been in a movie already.
Stealing art is
the greatest art of all.
Oh, screw you, Stan!
If Gary Larson drew a cow
with curlers in its hair
saying that, you'd be dying!
(chuckles) "Check, please."
(laughing)
(engine revving)
So, you want to steal
a painting.
Well, you're gonna need a crew.
And the crew is here in Monaco?
Oh, we're just in Monaco
because Monaco
is where you have
this conversation.
Most of the crew
is Jersey-based.
Now, you need a crew
you can trust.
But trust among art thieves?
Let's just say it's rarer
than a Picasso.
Are Picassos rare?
Wait, we could have had this
conversation in the kitchen?
Oh, please! You wanted this
trip, you needed this trip.
What, with the stress you have
going on with the painting.
Stan, trust me,
you needed to relax.
And the walking tour?
You didn't enjoy that?
I was impressed
by the walking tour.
Exactly!
That's the Monaco most tourists
don't get to see.
Anyway, we should really
be getting back.
Our flight's in, like,
an hour and a half.
Damn it, we're gonna be late!
Hold on!
(tires squeal)
(sniffling)
Are you crying?
What?! Of course not!
Because Stan and Roger
have time to fly to Monaco
but no time to change
my bowl water?
(voice breaking) You think
I'm crying because of that?
Helping Klaus.
That could count
as helping people.
Oh, it definitely counts.
Don't doubt yourself
for a second.
Helping others
is my new hobby...
ever since I saw the painting
of Mom's junk.
Sure, sure.
Whatever road brought you here.
Ugh! This is filthy!
Shouldn't you have a bowl
with a filter?
All that aquarium stuff?
Yes. Yes, I should.
But that might be expensive.
Let's agree to go to the store,
but maybe not buy anything.
Yes! A small win for Klaus!
He was a phenomenal talent,
but to me,
he was just... Reynolds.
Mmm, yes. And you'd say
you opened up to him.
(laughter)
I admit this is
the Art History minor talking,
but I would really like
to hear about
Jasperterian's ideas on...
You shut your filthy mouth,
Dick!
- Stan!
- Relax, Smith.
Just art lovers discussing
the glorious painting
of your wife's thingamaboo.
Although I must apologize
for Dick.
He was out of line.
Well, we're off to the
Mapplethorpe exhibit at the Met.
With any luck,
that will get us hard.
Francine, can't you see
you're embarrassing me?
Genitals aren't something that
should be shown to the world!
They're not called show-nitals.
The term "genitals" comes from
the Aladdin word genie,
and like a genie,
they should only come out
when they're rubbed.
Stan, you're embarrassing
yourself.
(clears throat)
Tato Montacello, art heist...
Wait, did I already do
my introduction?
Yeah, we went to Monaco.
Really? Long way to go
to meet somebody.
Anyway, tonight, we make
that painting disappear!
To pull off this heist,
we need muscle.
The Ignatiev Twins weigh
700 pounds combined
and grew up eating
raw horse meat in Dagestan.
They still love horse meat...
it's disgusting.
Their breath smells
like horse meat.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Next, we need a lockpick.
Claude Verdeer is the Belgian
with the smallest fingers
in the world.
It's gross, and he always wants
to shake hands.
But I know he can tell that
I don't want to shake hands.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Then we'll need
an explosives guy.
We can either get
Bang Bang Fukanawa or Josh.
Fine, get Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Wait, why do we need
an explosives guy?
Won't the Belgian guy get us in?
Hmm. Good point.
I thought we agreed
no explosives guy.
Right.
Josh, wait!
(explosion)
Josh, the guy we didn't need,
was supposed to be
Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Oh, so I was second choice?!
Look, you're here and he's not.
Chicharito, the Guatemalan
contortionist.
Finally, we need a sexually
explosive, unpredictable woman.
(cellphone chimes)
(Russian accent)
Tato, is PayPal.
Payment no go through.
Hmm.
Well, do you accept...
karate chops?!
(smack!)
(whispering)
Stan, finish him off.
That's the last time
you screw me, Tato.
(alarm blares)
Mmm!
Maybe one more time.
(screams)
MAN: Hey!
(panting)
Okay, let's give each other
notes on the heist.
Stan, good job, but I thought
you could have worn
a better outfit.
What else?
I'd work with Josh again.
Look, thanks for the help,
Roger, but this is a solo job.
A solo job?
Sounds like Steve before he got
into helping people.
I wonder if he's still
doing that.
Aah!
We're talking top to bottom
tank renovation here.
Steve, what's gotten into you?
Your skin is clearer,
your voice sounds deeper.
Oh, it started happening
once I stopped touching myself
all the time.
Funny, I find
the more I touch myself,
the deeper my voice gets.
Now, let's talk about
premium aquarium filters.
Sounds like what you want
is a Tunze AquaWind.
You sure?
'Cause I been hearing good
things about the new DeSanio's.
(laughs) Sure,
if you want to replace it
every four weeks.
Sounds like I better do
a little more research.
You know, it's really weird that
you own an aquarium store.
The regulars here think
it's weird I'm a principal.
Excuse me.
I'd like to see somebody
about getting a painting
taken down.
I'm sick of arguing about it
with my husband.
It makes him... uncomfortable.
An uncomfortable husband?
The director will want to hear
about this straightaway!
Excuse me, are you... crying?
Uh, yes, I suppose I was.
It's just this reminds me
of my genitals
when they were young and flush.
Are you copying this painting?
Trying.
It's an assignment for class.
"Copy the Masters."
But, gosh, I'm no Jasperterian.
How did he know
what to leave out?!
It's boota-ful!
(panting) There you are.
Our director will see you
in just a moment.
(gasps)
The woman changed her mind.
Sylvia, we have an intercom.
That portrait certainly does
inspire intense fascination.
Last night, we had
a thwarted robbery attempt.
Oh, no!
I'm afraid so.
Hence the need for another
security guard.
We're lucky you walked in.
And with your CIA experience.
Now, you do resemble a maniac
our guards...
Right, but as I explained,
that man did not have
a mustache.
He did, however,
have a flag pin.
But...
But...
he did not have a mustache.
And I can see that you do.
You're hired, Stan.
Or should I say,
Mr. Night Watchman?
(both laughing)
Yeesh.
Kind of creepy in here at night.
You like looking at my wife?
Huh, you little perv?!
Well, it's over!
I'm gonna take this painting
home and destroy it!
Ah, that was easy.
Did you hear what that oaf said?
I'm not interested
in his wife's vagina.
I'm completely homosexual.
All art is gay.
(high-pitched laughing)
(squeaking)
Where the (bleep) are my arms?!
A shocking crime
at the Langley Museum.
The famous "Portrait of
Francine's Genitals"...
Hi, Francine!...
has been stolen.
(crying) He made me feel
so beautiful.
Francine, we already lost
the painting.
Don't go losing your cool.
(whistling)
Stan, have you seen
my lucky jock strap?
(sighs) The rumors are true,
I'm Delmarva-bound.
Hey, the painting we stole!
Are you torching it?
This painting has brought me
nothing but embarrassment.
I don't want anyone
to ever see it again.
Not even one person,
like a rich, shady buyer
with 100K to burn?
He's not gonna want anyone
to know he has it.
No one else would ever see it.
Hmm.
I'm calling my coke dealer.
Wow, he can afford the painting?
Oh, yeah, maybe he could buy
the painting!
Hi, I have some, uh,
pretty serious concerns
about the flow through
on the 6500.
WOMAN: Sounds like
you know your stuff.
Here at Tunze, we pride
ourselves on flow through
and will beat any competitor
on suction.
Ha ha. Wha-what was that?
Why don't I walk you through it?
What's your name?
- I-I'm Steve.
- I'm Lindsey.
Well, actually,
we're up to the 6900 now.
That baby satisfies everyone.
It gobbles up dirt and filth,
and when you can see
the chambers
about to be at overflow,
you just shoot it all
out the release shaft.
Oh. Oh, okay.
W-W-Would you mind
actually walking me
through a couple other models?
Yeah, yeah, this is what I
should have in my loft, man.
This is what I should have...
a big painting of
a woman's just, thing
just hanging right there, right?
Yep, exactly.
Listen, could we hurry this up?
I-I really can't have my wife...
Stan, have you seen Rusty's
lucky jock strap?
What is that?
- Um...
- You stole the painting?
(chuckling) Oh, man!
What a busted scene.
Get out of here, Delmonico!
You know Delmonico?
Everybody knows Delmonico!
Francine, I can explain.
At least when you wanted
to get rid of it,
it was about privacy!
But now, trying to sell it
to our coke dealer?!
I see you don't have
any principles at all!
Oh, ho, wow.
Well, I'm gonna go see if I can
sell Francine some drugs.
What am I doing here?
I need a hard look at myself.
You sure do.
Hey, would it be funny
if I was an airplane?
(imitates airplane)
(buzzer)
WOMAN: Hello?
Hi, um, Mrs. Jasperterian?
You don't know me, but I think
you're the only person
who could help me right now.
This place really stirs
something in me.
My husband was inspired
by the vistas,
which is all the more remarkable
when you remember
Reynolds was blind.
He... He was?
Blind as a bat.
From the day he was born.
So, he never saw
what he was painting.
Nope.
Somehow that
makes me feel better.
- He painted by touch.
- Excuse me?
Yes, he was very tactile.
He really wanted
to get his hands
all over anything
he was painting,
get the feel of it.
Rub it, pull it
between his fingers.
(coughing)
You okay, Stan?
No, I'm not!
You're talking about my wife!
No, I'm talking about
what Reynolds did
to your wife's vagina.
He took it
and he turned it into art.
Once it's art,
it's not your wife anymore.
Huh. I never thought about it
like that.
Look, let me ask you this, Stan.
Once the plaster cast dried,
was that mug still my butthole?
♪♪
Steve, how's the filter coming?
The fresh water's nice,
but it's already getting
dirty again.
What?
Oh, I'm not doing that now.
No, your voice!
But that means...
Let's just say
I hope Lindsey's call
was monitored and recorded,
'cause it was sexy as hell!
Oh, Steve.
You sound just like Lindsey.
(door slams)
STAN: Of course, you all know
the story of this painting...
stolen, missing,
but then returned.
Bad luck for you, Stan.
Now we get to see your wife's
Trapper Keeper whenever we wish.
Hmm.
Art can have a powerful effect
on people.
I like to think the thief,
whoever he was,
took a good, long look
at this painting
and he realized Jasperterian
truly did capture
and share the most extraordinary
beauty in the world.
Angela, let's take one
last trip to Paris.
It's boota-ful!
Maybe, Duncan, we can be...
more than friends.
(retches)
Sorry, Candace.
Don't apologize.
I'm a barf babe.
Jasperterian transformed
something intimate
into something we can all share.
But only I get the real thing.
Mmm! Mmm!
MAN: There's the maniac who
tried to steal the painting!
Where?!
Bye, have a beautiful time!