American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 2 - Fight and Flight - full transcript

Aren't you nervous to find out what you got
on the history midterm?
(chuckles) I'm nervous about the time
that Cap'n Crunch box turned me on.
I know I aced the midterm.
I got a smiley.
Ah, there she is.
Gather 'round, boys.
You're about to see my 4.0 face.
(breathing rapidly)
Are...you...okay... Steve?
You...don't...look... so...hot.
Why are you talking like that?
Too...much...Zoloft.
And I'm still so...sad.
M-Mr. Herschel, I-I think there's been a mistake.
You put an "F" here on my test
but forgot to add "antastic job, A-plus."
I was just as surprised as you, Steve.
You're usually a big old nerd.
Wait! I see what happened here.
I was one question off on the Scantron sheet.
See? Here, I-I'll just take it again real quick and we --
Look, this vape pen isn't gonna smoke itself behind the gym.
The "F" stands.
F, F, F, F, F, F. F! F!
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaaah!
Don't worry. Barry know what to do.
(screaming continues)
(gulps)
Now...it's just gonna take me longer...
to finish freaking out.
(slow scream)
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
Aah!
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
Buck up, champ. One bad grade's not the end of the world.
Look at your mother.
She's got a great life, lives in a nice, big house
and she had nothing but D's.
Yeah.
Double D's.
(psychedelic music plays)
The point is, it was just one little mistake.
You're gonna be fine.
You know what? Maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
Now, bring that sweet cinnamon noodle on over here.
It's tousling time.
Come here, you little rascal! (laughs)
You're a little rascal is what you are.
Get him! Get that little rascal! You scamp!
You're just a rascally little scamp!
You little scamp, you. Oh, he's a scamp is what he is.
Ow! Now get on out of here, you little bastard.
(laughs)
(sighs)
Our greatest fear has come true.
Candyman has escaped the world of the movies
and entered ours?!
Okay. My greatest fear has come true.
Grades are all Steve has.
If he loses that, what'll he have left?
His dead-on Paul Hogan impression?
Sure, it kills now,
but how much longer is that gonna be relevant?
But you said it was no big deal.
I didn't want him to panic.
But what if it wasn't just a mistake?
What if his grades start slipping?
What kind of life will he have?
The world will eat him alive.
Like Candyman?
Yes, Francine, like Candyman.
Steve's always been a soft, sensitive little guy.
And I've always been there to protect him.
And now I have to protect my boy once more --
from failure.
And I need to protect my girls --
from gravity.
(psychedelic music plays)
(screams)
(insects chirping)
Hey, bud. Just popping in.
Oh, how's the schoolwork going?
Pretty good.
I'm working on my new history assignment --
a video presentation on Charles Lindbergh.
"Bachelor," Season 1. Sick!
The first aviator to fly nonstop from New York to Paris?
Oh! Oh, Charles Lindbergh. Sick!
And Roger's helping me out with it.
Gotcha!
Hey, Rog, can you hit "record" on the camera?
(sighs)
(strains)
(click)
I, Charles Augustus Lindbergh, born February 4, 1902,
have just flown my plane, The Spirit of St. Louis,
across the Atlantic Ocean.
It's a good thing Gene Siskel was murdered by pirates,
'cause this would've killed him.
I better step in.
Now, look, this is great, son, but if you really want that "A,"
you're gonna have to go above and beyond --
really dazzle your teacher.
How do I do that? Well, I could help you out.
That'd be great! Roger, do you care if --
I never cared, Steve.
Ah, this is a really hard one.
Yep, nope.
Gotcha!
(birds chirping)
Men's Ed Hardy "Death or Glory" low-rise sneakers.
Color -- dragon smoke black.
Size -- 14.
Now, all I need...
is a body.
(somber piano music plays)
¶ These shiny shoes will cure my blues ¶
¶ Und chase the gloom away ¶
¶ When I dress my body ¶
¶ The one I'll have someday ¶
¶ "Co-Ed naked volleyball" ¶
¶ Is what my shirt will say ¶
¶ Und puka shells will sure look swell ¶
¶ Paired with a white gold chain ¶
¶ I'll have no fear, only joy and cheer ¶
¶ And a square-cut stud in my left ear ¶
¶ When I dress my body, I'll hear everybody say ¶
¶ "Hey, that's somebody, not just anybody" ¶
¶ When I dress my body ¶
¶ Someday -- ¶
Klaus! What the hell?!
I'm doing a thing in here!
It's my room! W-Why are you even --
Get out!
My room, Klaus!
Out! Aaaaah!
Fine!
(door slams)
¶ Someday ¶
What better way to go above and beyond
than to get some sweet aerial footage for your movie?
So I borrowed a drone from work.
Dad, that's a Predator drone!
Eh, a drone's a drone.
I just got in there with my Leatherman, yanked out the missiles,
tossed them in the "everything" drawer in the kitchen.
No big whoop.
Now, where's that car wash coupon?
Let's start with the scene where I find out
my baby's been kidnapped and --
Actually, I made one other super-cool change
I know you're gonna love.
Steve, meet the new star of your history project --
The Rock...'s friend Vin Diesel --
still, technically, a star.
Uh, we're not actually friends.
Although, we do own a couple Long John Silver's together.
But that's not important.
What's important is,
this deathly ill child has a dream,
and I'm gonna make it come true.
You told him I'm a Make-A-Wish kid, didn't you?
Am I that far off, Steve?
What are we doing at the C.I.A.?
Oh, just taking advantage of our...
top-secret soundstage!
(indistinct conversations)
This is where we filmed the moon landing,
the JFK assassination,
and Def Jam's "How to be a Player."
Wow! This is gonna be the most epic history project ever!
You bet your ass it is.
Now, wait here. I'm gonna go check on the script changes.
Script changes? What are --
Apple box flyin' in!
Dino, let's put sticks on a half apple
and fly in a couple of C-47s so I can jelly-roll
those Bob Denvers, and put 'em on an apple box.
Hey! You can't touch that!
(sighs) And you are?
Chuck Deptula, union gaffer,
but everybody calls me "Cheese."
You seem to be a lot more helpful now
than you were the other day.
Now the International Brotherhood of Film Grips,
Session Drummers and Pool Table Repairmen has my back, scab.
That's lunch!
Hmm. This still doesn't feel like a guaranteed "A."
Atlantic Ocean? Pacific's bigger.
Steve's teacher will find that much more impressive.
I think maybe he'll care a little bit more
about historical accuracy.
Uh, If I didn't care about historical accuracy,
would I have stolen the actual Spirit of St. Louis
from the Smithsonian? What?!
The toughest part was convincing the guard I came in with it.
Look, to really impress your teacher,
we gotta make this thing big, exciting, fun.
Wait -- the Lindbergh baby died?!
Huge downer, Steve. Yeah, but --
What if Lindbergh had a buddy, like a-a dog or a monkey,
and the buddy dies instead?
I'm not sure -- You know what? Now I like the buddy.
Maybe Lindbergh brings him back to life
with the power of RC Cola!
We gotta work in some product placement to cover costs.
Dad! This is my project, remember?
Hey, you're still in charge. We're just here to help you.
"We" being DreamSmith Entertainment,
the production company I started
with the money from your college fund.
I'll tell you one thing, Suit --
we've got non-union sound, so the movie's gonna
(feedback) sound like shit!
Owww!
Oooh!
That's lunch!
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
(gasps)
Hayley! The shoes are here!
The shoes, the shoes, the shoes, the shoes!
But...it said...
(voice breaking) H-How?
(crying)
You know, there is a 416 South Cherry Street.
Maybe it got delivered there by mistake.
As a matter of fact, I once ordered a Garfield welcome mat
that never showed up, either.
Oh, I do so hope to someday hear the story
of the missing welcome mat.
Hey, I'm trying to help you out.
Then shut up and drive!
We shut down the set of "Captain Ron"
for six months back in '91.
Touchstone retaliated with full fury.
Friendships were destroyed, marriages fell apart,
but, by God, we got three chairs for every five men working.
Dino, you'd be standing right now.
Um, Cheese, we're trying to film a scene.
Well, we're trying to eat lunch,
which we're allowed to do anywhere on set.
Read the '85 agreement!
That's lunch!
Come on, Dino.
Hey, man, this is for a sick kid.
Couldn't you be a little flexible?
Oh, so you think you can crap all over us
below-the-line people just because you're the big star?
How dare you!
I'm gonna eat lunch in your trailer, in your bed!
Please join me!
I know I sound angry, but please come!
My God, you're ripped.
Okay, everybody, back to 1.
And...
Are you worried this scene is playing too heavy?
No, I'm not. And...
You sure you don't want to bring in the monkey?
Yes, positive!
And...action!
You fly the plane or the plane --
Cut!
Let's just bring the monkey in, see what he does.
Dad! That's enough!
This is my project! Oh, really?
Because it sure feels like I'm the one
who's been putting in all the effort.
I got you the soundstage, I got you Vin Diesel,
I got you a monkey
who studied under the monkey from "Dunston Checks In"!
I didn't ask you to!!
But you need me to, if you want to get that "A."
I'm sorry, son, but you're no Charles Lindbergh.
You can't fly solo on this. You're just not capable.
Nope, sorry. I haven't gotten any packages lately.
Oh, well. It was a long shot.
Take 'er easy.
Hey, I'll take 'er any way I can get 'er.
(both laugh)
(chuckles)
That lying son of a bitch has my shoes.
Klaus, that's ridiculous.
Okay, we have no reason to --
Son of a bitch!
What the --
Oh, you want to get nuts? Let's get nuts!
I brought so many bullets!
(cheers and applause)
Ladies, gentlemen, Steve's teacher, welcome.
You're not gonna believe your eyes when you see
what Steve Smith was capable of doing all by himself.
Roll it!
(roars)
(screeches)
CHILD (whispering): DreamSmith.
FATHER LINDBERGH: Your head's in the clouds, boy.
That's no place for a man.
LINDBERGH: But what if it was, Pop?
What if it was?
I shall call my invention "the aeroplane,"
and I owe it all to RC Cola.
[ Tab pops ]
[ Gulping ]
LINDBERGH'S WIFE: Charles! Our baby's been kidnapped!
I'll handle this.
[ Tab pops ]
[ Gulping ]
Hey, Boss, ain't you worried
Lindbergh will come for his bambino?
He is just one man.
(dramatic music plays)
One pilot with two fight attendants.
(smooches)
(glass shatters)
Aaaaaaaah!
Guards!
(whistles)
Aaaaaaaa--
Ugh!
You got a bad altitude.
Good work, Gus.
But next time, you fly.
¶ I just want to fly ¶
(applause)
¶ Put your arms around me, baby... ¶
And now let's meet the genius behind
this A-plus-caliber project -- Steve Smith.
(audience murmuring)
What?!
(gasps) De plane!
Can't do things on my own, can I?
Well, look who's flying solo now, Dad!
At least Mom's still proud of me.
(thunder crashes) (whimpers)
(knocking)
Candyman's got me!
You gotta say my name three times to free me!
(screams)
Now, just because you have no idea how to fly a plane,
there's no need to panic.
You can make it to Paris.
You'll just have to learn on the fly.
(giggles) Good one, Steve.
You've been cleared to laugh. (laughs)
Well, I should probably figure out what all these gauges are.
Air speed.
I'd say that one's self-explanatory.
This one...
Gonna come back to this one.
It's so foggy up here. I hope I'm flying high enough.
(water splashes)
(dolphins chatter)
Aaaaah!
Geez, buddy! Got enough arms?!
Pull up! Pull up!
Looks like white men can jump.
(wind whistling)
(thud)
(gasps) Looks like white men can jump.
What? It's a famous novel, Steve.
Now, give me that flight stick.
Never!
(both grunting)
(glass shattering)
(grunts)
Douglas, Douglas, Douglas.
All I want are my shoes.
I don't have your shoes.
Please, you -- you can have my shoes. Here.
Do I look like the kind of fish who would wear red shoes
when he someday has the body of a man?!
House is clean. Only place I haven't looked is this closet.
Thing's locked tight.
Open the closet, please, Doug.
I-I lost the key. Listen --
Open the closet! I didn't take your stuff!
Then why is my Garfield mat on your doorstep?!
It's Garfield! It's Amazon's top-selling welcome mat!
Open the closet, Doug! I can't! I swear to you!
I don't have the key! Please! Open it, or I swear I'll shoot!
(all screaming)
(teakettle whistles) (screams)
Oh...my...God!
There are no shoes in there.
We've inconvenienced an innocent man and his guest.
(muffled begging)
You know, I'm not 100% sure I ordered that welcome mat.
I might've just put it on my wish list.
(cellphone bloops)
It's Jeff. He found your shoes in the bush out front.
The bush! Of course!
(whistling)
(door opens, closes)
(whistling)
STEVE: Let go! I'm doing this -- on my own!
Why...won't you... just let me help you?!
Because you're not helping me!
When you...won't let me do anything for myself,
you're actually standing in my way!
I am? Yes! That's the --
Shh! I'm remembering something.
A lesson, from a powerful film I once saw.
(voice breaking) Don't leave me, Pop!
I can't do this without you by my side.
Oh, stop your foolishness, now.
Why, if you never let a baby bird out of the nest,
it can't never take flight.
(groans)
Take flight, Charles...Lindbergh...
my son.
(flatline)
(sobbing)
Don't you see, Dad?
If you never let me try, sure, I can't ever fail.
But you can't ever succeed, either.
Oh, I'm sorry, son.
Well, I'm sorry, too.
It was pretty stupid of me taking off with this plane
and thinking I could make it across the ocean all by myself.
Oh, my God! The Eiffel Tower!
I did make it to Paris!
(as Paul Hogan) Wanna bring us in for a landing, mate?
Heh! Still got it!
But, actually, son, I realize now
that this is something I have to let you do on your own.
What?!
No, wait! I don't know how to land a plane!
White men can jump.
(groans)
I believe in yoooooooou!
Merci!
(thud)
(wind whistles)
All right, son, you can do this.
Just mind those crosswinds.
Good, good. Easy on the throttle.
Pull back on the yoke.
That's it, now. Steady.
Steady.
(gasps)
My boy! What have I done?!
(sobbing)
Ow! My bottom!
Steve! You're alive!
Can you believe I actually made it all the way to Paris?!
Well...no, because you didn't.
Looks like you must've gotten turned around in the clouds,
'cause that's that new amusement park they opened
just outside Langley Falls.
Tell you what, son.
From now on, I'm gonna let you do things for yourself.
But if you ever do want my help, all you have to do is ask.
Maybe you can help me wash my flight suit.
I really did a number on this thing baling out of that plane.
A number 5.
That's two number 2s and a number 1.
That sounds like the kind of help a mother might give.
Have a great night!
-- Captions by VITAC --