American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 15 - The Life and Times of Stan Smith - full transcript

Can you believe Dad makes us listen

to his physical results every year?

Can you believe I've
never had a physical?

Okay, I have a critically
ill child to check on,

so, Mr. Smith,
let's get this over with...

- Play the intro music!
- I don't think that's necessary.

Play the music, nerd!

Before we hear what
amazing shape I'm in,

I wanna thank all you Stanamaniacs

for coming out in full force.

Doc, tell 'em what papa's packin'.



Well, you've put on 5 pounds
since last year.

Bigger...

is...

better!

You shrunk a quarter of an inch.

So much man in such a tiny package!

And your cholesterol is high.

Are there no heights I can't reach?!

Cholesterol is a serious issue.

Forget cholesterol. We're losing them.

Bring out the big guns.

Um, it's looking like, down the line,

your left knee is gonna
need to be replaced.

Right knee carrying the
team to the finish line!



Oh, I know.
Tell 'em if I have AIDS or not.

You, uh, still don't have AIDS.

Hear that, Francine?

Doc's giving me a
prescription for raw doggin'!

Yeah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

I don't think this is

the best place to eat for
someone with your cholesterol.

Mmm.

Dad, milk? Isn't that...

Way ahead of you, Hayley.

It's not milk. It's ranch dressing...

from the Lazy Ranch River!

Stan, the doctor gave you
this health journal

to monitor your fitness
and eating habits.

Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

And you heard my stool sample results...

Too hard to test.

But you're getting older.

You need to take care of yourself.

We still have a lot of memories to make.

Of course we do, honey.

Now I'm gonna see how close
the ranch river gets me

to the cheese cauldron.

Sir, you need to wear goggles!

That ranch is highly chlorinated!

If he doesn't change his lifestyle,

something terrible could happen.

Sadly,
people are often set in their ways

until something really rattles them,

like a... like a near-death experience.

So we just hope he has
a near-death experience?

Hope? A near-death experience
is something I can guarantee.

You know how E.T. could

make a cute little
nightlight with his finger?

Well, I slept with his puppeteer.

However, that's unrelated to the fact

that my species is 60% electricity.

Why do you think my Umbros
are always so static-y?

Anyway, I can use this...

to stop and restart Stan's heart.

He'll think he had a heart attack.

Just give him the little scare he needs.
Watch.

Dead.

Alive.

Now go get me the recipe
for this tangy Thai sauce.

I can't believe I missed the
college fair at school today.

Isn't it a little early

for you guys to be
worrying about all that?

No way! I'm already behind!

Look, Barry already signed his
letter of intent to Gonzaga.

You know Coach Few's
gonna get the most out of him.

Oh, man, if you knew
what I have in store for you,

all your worries would melt away.

You'd be swaddled tight,

wrapped safely in my
freshly laundered plans...

Klaus, what the [bleep]
are you talking about?

During my college years in Germany,

I did a semester abroad
at Arizona State.

I'll take you to see the campus,

introduce you to some choice people.

You'll be golden!

I don't know.

Isn't Arizona State a party school?

How dare you?! ASU's got everything!

It was ranked number one in
"Innovation."

- By who?
- By the rankers!

It's also got a sick baseball team

and the only Chili's Too
that's not in an airport.

Great. Now go get me the
recipe for the zesty ranch.

I didn't know I'd want the zesty ranch

when I sent you for the tangy Thai.

I tried to text you.

What's with all the coffee?

After the amount of cheese
I consumed at Fuddruckers,

it takes three pots' worth

- just to get my system running again.
- Wow.

Roger, this finger zapping
thing isn't gonna hurt, right?

Not a bit.

You said it wasn't gonna hurt!

No, I said it wouldn't hurt me.

You! Need! To listen! Girl!

Well, you are a lucky man.

You had a heart attack,
but you made a full recovery.

Turn the music on for me.

You are capable of turning on a boombox

one foot away all by yourself.

Do it... nerd.

I owe you all an apology.

Except you, nerd,

But I should've listened to you guys.

From here on out, it's more exercise,

healthier eating, and better choices.

And I choose... Doc, next track.

To be a lean, mean,

muscle flexin' machine.

Like a phoenix, I shall rise!

Because to be the man,
you have to beat the man!

Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!

Yeah! You did it!

That chemistry lab was tight, huh?

So much innovating going on there.

Yeah, maybe. It was just kinda weird

that no one knew how to
work any of the stuff.

That's 'cause it's the latest stuff!

I don't know about this place, Klaus.

It says the library opens
"when Todd wakes up."

Hey, I think that's, like,
a frat or something.

Should we go...
I don't know, check it out?

Klaus!

- You know these guys?
- Everyone knows Klaus!

One time, we didn't have
a band for Spring Fling,

and at the total last second,

Klaus got the Foo Fighters to play!

And one time,
we were stuck in a Mexican prison,

and Klaus got the Foo
Fighters to break us out!

And one time, my parents
died in a tragic car accident,

and Klaus missed the funeral

because he was at a
Foo Fighters concert!

Ahh, I had some good times here at BGZ,

or as we're known around campus,

Beta Gizz!

Beta Gizz!

Steve, this is Nutbutter,
Nic, and Pube Face.

All solid, solid bros.

Hey, I'm gonna go show my buddy around.

Sit on the ground, Steve.

W-what?

Sit your ass on the ground!

This little bitch doesn't think
ASU's good enough for him.

I-I'm sorry.
I don't even go to school here...

Shut up, pledge!

Now what game do you
turds want to play first?

Milk Gallon Chug...

or Hot Sauce Pee-Hole?

- Milk Gal...
- Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is!

Wow, look at you, ready for a run.

A regular, um, black guy from Kenya.

Yep, and I can't wait
to write all about it

- in my health journal.
- Hey, I could join you.

There's actually nothing in this bowl.

You know what? That...

That looks important.

Okay. Can you hit the lights?

♪ La-la, la-la, la, la ♪

Roger, I know
you gave me that heart attack.

It wasn't my fault!
Francine made me...

Roger, you almost killed me...

I know, but...

And I loved it! I wanna do it again!

Gotta say, Stan, this is why I love you.

You always surprise me.

Whenever I think you're gonna zig,
you do a reverse zig.

Now let's get you dead, baby!

And that's the
reason why I want you...

no, need you... to kill me again.

What? Sorry, I was just thinking about

what my top 20
"Mr. Belvedere" episodes are.

But then I realized I've never seen
"Mr. Belvedere."

Was there an episode
where he gets snowed in?

'Cause I would put that right up there.

And if there was a serious one
where he had a drug problem,

I would consider that
episode very powerful,

- but not top 20.
- Roger!

When you stopped my heart,
everything went white.

I woke up in what looked
like a Blockbuster Video.

My first reaction was to kill myself

because it wasn't a Hollywood Video.

But then I realized I was already dead.

It turns out this video store

was my life flashing before my eyes.

It was stocked with all my memories.

They had everything,

from my first memory of my parents

to hot new releases like you killing me.

Suddenly,
I wasn't just watching the memory...

I was reliving it,

feeling what it was
like to be young again.

My bad knee didn't hurt.

Aah!

The extra weight I gained was gone.

And though it wasn't
relevant to the memory,

I had that extra confidence
that comes from knowing

you can get hard all the way to the tip.

I could go back

to any of my favorite memories...

and eat all my favorite meals

without worrying about
any of the consequences.

I got to feel like the guy I used to be.

All the reminders that I'm
getting old just disappeared,

right up until you revived me.

I have to do it again.

Well, the first taste was free.

Next one's gonna cost you.

I'll give you anything. Money...

I just want a laugh.

Good start.

Aah! Stan, help me!

Order of chili fries, horsey-style.

Uh, I believe I ordered all the fixings.

Come on, boy! Eat faster! Eat faster!

Someone order a pizza?

I got an extra large sausage.

Mmm. Mmm.

Is anyone cool with that
girl Megan from Kappa?

- I know her.
- Hook it up, bro.

Pledges completed their
butt chug challenge.

Gonna recycle the keg.

Hey, has anyone noticed
we're watching gay porn?

Maybe
it's only gay at the beginning!

I say we keep watching!

This is a place of learning.

How could every building close at
"Beer thirty"?!

Oh, thank God! You gotta help me!

I was kidnapped and
held against my will!

Well, you're lucky you ran into me.

I'm not just a security guard.

I'm also the dean of the university.

Plus, I sell loose cigarettes
for a dollar a pop.

I've got an emergency down here.

And tell them it was
those monsters at BGZ!

False alarm.

- Beta Gizz!
- Aah!

I'm so proud of your progress, honey.

Thought I'd treat you

to the healthiest restaurant in town.

Yay.

You keep taking care of yourself,
and we'll be able

to have dinners like
these for years to come.

I, uh... gotta... go check on the car.

Got Bazooka Sharks stickers
all over that thing,

and we're clearly in Cyber Mole country.

Cyber Moles!

Come on, Roger. Pick up.

- Roger?
- Stan!

- What are you doing here?
- Uh, working. You?

I'm freaking out.

This cannot be what the
rest of my life is like.

I just need a quick little
trip to the afterlife,

maybe visit a memory with
a stuffed-crust pizza.

- What do you say?
- Fine, I guess I can squeeze you in.

That's some glory hole humor for ya.

My jokes are what people show up for.
The BJs are shit.

Oh, I went ahead
and ordered some appetizers.

Enjoy.

I, uh... I am just now realizing

I saw Mark McGwire
flossing in the restroom.

I-I gotta thank him for all the homers.

Just one more time!

And leave me under a little longer.

Let me really stretch my legs in there.

I can't do that.

After five or six minutes,
you'll really die. Forever.

Fine! Whatever! Just give Daddy a taste!

Okay, but this is it.

You're so addicted to the afterlife

that you're missing out on real life.

I-I'm not some battery.

I'm made of flesh and blood...

and alkaline and manganese oxide.

But I have feelings!

I'm just a normal guy with feelings,

who can power most
non-Samsung mobile devices.

Holy crap,
I just got a retweet from Toshi.

Roger was right. It was crazy
to keep asking him to kill me...

when I can just do it myself.

Hmm, a good scientist
would test this first.

But if I was a good scientist,
then I'd also be a nerd.

And I've made my stance
on nerds very clear.

I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind if
I took a peek at his progress.

Stan hasn't changed at all!

But he did nail my mannerisms.

Stan! Oh, no!

Stan, please!

Whoa! Oh, my god! Guys!

Stan and Francine worked out so hard,
they fell asleep!

Shut up and get those Fantas!

I don't want a history lesson!

Okay, but I'm telling you,
it's super adorable.

Ugh, that was terrible.

If I could play multiple
characters like Eddie Murphy,

they'd all be watching
"Norbit" together.

Where am I? Is that a Shamrock Shake?

Why, yes, it is.

But it's not even close
to St. Paddy's Day.

Oh, my God. I know where I am.

I'm in Ireland!

Um... you're in heaven.

Yeah, right, buddy.

If this were really heaven,
I'd have a Shamrock...

shake!

But that means I actually died.

Why didn't the
revival paddles fall on me?

Because they fell on me!

I can't believe you killed us both!

Well, technically, you killed us

- when you got in the way of my...
- Stan.

Okay, all right.

We could sit here all day, arguing about

whose homemade death machine killed who.

Or we could look at the bright side.

We can do anything we want here!

Bam! My bum knee is fixed.

Bam! Ten-pack!

Bam! I have a tail. Hell, yeah!

Don't you get it?

We're never gonna see our kids grow up!

We can make our own versions
of Hayley and Steve.

But that Hayley doesn't
even have a mouth.

And that's not even Steve.
It's Turtle from "Entourage."

- Yeah! Heaven!
- I just don't get it.

What was so horrible about your life

that you wanted to kill yourself?

I wasn't trying to kill myself.
I was escaping into my memories.

When I heard about my poor health,

I-I know I played it cool,

but I wasn't as cool
as I was playing it,

which was super cool.

But beneath that Joe Camel cool

was a Marlboro coward,

terrified of the long,
slow decline of my body.

Oh, Stan, I hear you.

And I thank you for
sharing that with me.

But the thing is...
you killed us, you idiot!

We still had a lifetime of
memories to make on Earth,

and you stole those from me!

So as far as I'm concerned,

you can spend the rest
of eternity by yourself!

Francine, wait!
Give Turtle-Steve a chance.

He's just like Steve,

except he'll drive us anywhere
and he's always on ass patrol.

Just doesn't taste the same

without Francine begging
me to stop for my own good.

Excuse me, do you know

if there's any way to get back to Earth?

Um, if you're looking to escape
the afterlife, I'd ask in hell.

People are always trying to
get out of that craphole.

Great. Thank you!
Sorry, one last question.

If you're in heaven,
why do you have to work as a waitress?

Oh, no. I'm a slave.

Hey, demon, is this obstacle
course the way back to Earth?

Nah, that's the way
out of hell into heaven.

Stepping to the starting line,

Adolf Hitler!

Adolf is best remembered for
his work in World War II,

and his legacy lives on
in Macklemore's haircut.

He'll be making his 453rd attempt

at getting through the course tonight.

And he's off!

Powering through the
quintuple steps with ease!

No trouble with the rolling log!

Ooh! He tried to rush the salmon ladder,

and it looks like...

No one ever makes it.

But it's nice just to...
get out of the house!

There's gotta be a way to get
me and Francine back to Earth.

Yo, wings!
Back to heaven with you, you tourist.

Think, Stan!
What do I know about the devil?

♪ Devil with a moo mess,
moo mess, moo mess ♪

♪ Devil-mmm-mmm, moo mess-ma ♪

That's it! He's always makin' deals.

Hey, you're a bettin' man, right?

How 'bout this for a deal?

You send my wife and me back to Earth

to live out the rest of our lives.

And... yawn. What's in it for me?

Next time I die, I won't go to heaven.

You get my soul.

So you're willing to give up heaven

for a few more miserable years on Earth?

Yes, because
all the heaven I've ever needed

was being with Francine and my kids.

Oh, wow, Stan. I had no idea...

that you were such a bitch!

Fine, you got a deal.

Oh, and when you get back to Earth,

tell Rachael Ray to [bleep] off.

She'll know what she did.

That is not how you
treat another person!

I can't believe they're dead!

Now I'm just as broken
up about this as you are,

but we can't ignore the facts...
It's pretty chilly out,

and neither of us knows
how to work the thermostat.

Our only option is to
slice open the bodies

so we can huddle inside them for warmth.

Let's do it.

I refuse to sleep in socks.

Stan, we're alive!

Oh, thank God!

What... happened?

I guess someone realized we
needed more time here together.

And this time around,

I'm gonna make it last
as long as possible.

'Cause then I'm going to hell.

What's with the knife?

You shouldn't have to
be a goddamn electrician

to live in this house!

Oh, is it cookie time already?

Circle up, boys. We have a game to play.

No, Steve, you're late for graduation!

From pledging?

No, from ASU!

Come on, it's about to start!

How?! I was only here for a week.

Remember when you asked a
question in the science lab?

That was the minimum
requirement to graduate!

Now hurry up!

Oh, and get a speech ready.
You're also valedictorian!

Stan, ready for a jog?

Yep! Just one minute.

Stan, I love that

you're beasting it on the salmon ladder,

but there's no shame in starting basic.

I know. I just think this will
be very beneficial long-term.

I need to live forever.

That's the spirit!