American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 16 - The Bitchin' Race - full transcript
The Smith family is participating in televised race that takes them all over the globe. Stan and Hayley are frustrated that their teammates don't take the race seriously. Steve and Francine try to turn the race into a vacation, wh...
_
♪
It's been a thrilling season
on "The Bitchin' Race."
15 teams left New York
hoping to win $1 million.
Now, only five remain...
Stan and Francine.
What a gift this has been.
Traveling around the world,
making new memories
and capturing them
in the honored art form of caricature.
[French music plays]
They say the giant head
is the window to the soul.
Every single one of those
has cost us valuable time
that I've had to make up.
Not my first-choice partner,
but every other person I know
is at Dick's bachelor party.
He's such a go-getter.
That's why I put him
in a go-cart in this one.
[Italian music plays]
...Steve and Hayley...
Not surprised we made it to the finals.
As "sibs," we have
an unfair advantage...
You suck. The reason we're in the finals
is because I'm carrying you.
You keep stopping
everywhere to buy souvenirs.
And I swear, if Jeff wasn't
at Dick's bachelor party...
...Bear and Rick.
He's a survival expert,
I'm a travel expert.
We've won every leg so far.
It hasn't been particularly enjoyable.
...Yeager and Johnny.
My name, and I hope
it's trending right now,
is Yeager Chillax.
It is not trending.
Oh, but Dannon Yogurt just followed me!
I like to kick ass and jam clam
with my man Johnny Bananas.
Yo, I've won MTV's
"The Challenge" six times.
Now I own more yellow XTERRAs
than anyone in the whole world.
Boom! Vote for us.
Is there... Is there voting on this?
And, finally, Meredith and Justin,
her son who went to heaven and back.
As a single mom who runs her own
medical billing business,
I've had my share of challenges,
but at least I have my son.
In heaven, everybody
has long outie belly buttons
that double as guitars.
He's our miracle boy.
The miracle boy who's
captured the world's heart.
But will that be enough
to win "The Bitchin' Race?"
We'll find out tonight
on the exciting season finale.
_
I know I should root
for someone in the family,
but Justin has captured my heart.
Oh, I'd love to throw it
in his mom while he's sleeping
like an angel in the next room.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
In this box are the first instructions
for the final leg of the race.
Is everybody ready?
Travel safe.
Go!
♪
Bangkok!
Ah, Bangkok,
the most romantic-sounding
city in the... Ahh!
We've got to get to the airport.
Expert travelers know
that the best place
to find a cab is often at a hotel.
There's a Ramada two blocks southeast.
I'll grab a boba on the way
so when I have to
drink my own piss later,
it'll taste like Boba.
- Dude, you ready to do this?
- "Abs-solutely"!
I'm all packed!
Aww, yeah!
Why does mine look different from yours?
Are... Are you doing something?
Are you eating something?
Let's go. Drive faster. We're in a race!
I don't think this is a taxi.
I think we just got in this
Tunisian guy's car.
Wait. Are you not a cab driver?
Wait. Are you not carjackers?
[Laughter]
I didn't say slow down.
[Laughs]
- Where are all the cabs?
- [Vibrating]
What is wrong with this country?
Maybe it's for the best.
Our table's ready at the Hard Rock.
We're not going to the Hard Rock.
We've got a race to win.
But some of the pins
they won't let you buy
unless you eat there!
[Indistinct talking, horns honking]
_
__
Do you need me to take out
all my drawings?
Uh, no.
Your acne scarring inspires me.
I'm gonna draw you.
They're getting ahead of us!
Ooh! I'm gonna put a little moon man
planting a flag in your cheek.
Maybe give him a tennis racquet.
Can you imagine playing
tennis on the moon?
It's probably all lobs.
[Snorts, laughs]
Here's a tip.
To get through the terminal quickly,
sit in the lap of a wheelchair person.
By the time anyone
hears their weak protest,
you'll be at your gate.
Cowabunga, dude!
If they get the first flight out,
we'll never catch them.
And Francine's still stuck at security.
Steve's in the gift shop.
He keeps buying and returning the same
Tunisian New York Yankees hat.
We have to stop the experts
from getting on that plane.
I invoke a one-time-only
Dollar Shave Club Temporary Alliance.
[Shaving cream squirting]
Announcer: Now, that's
some smooth action.
Hi. I'm Brett Favre for
poor retirement planning...
Klaus: Nope.
Huh. When you're not doing it yourself,
ski jumping is phenomenally boring.
Ohh! Aah! He's pinwheeling!
There's no way he survived that!
Ugh. There's his leg. Nasty.
[Sighs] They're bringing
it to the widow. Good.
Ohh! But another woman's
fighting for it!
His mistress, of course.
Ah, ski jumpers.
We're all dogs.
Oh, no, the race!
[Dramatic music plays]
[Both panting]
Who would have guessed that Rick Steves
would be harder to choke out
than Bear Grylls?
He smiled the whole time
and would not break eye contact.
I like to go half-recline
even before we push from the gate.
I've never been busted.
Are you willing and able to assist
in the event of an emergency?
Honey, I'll assist
you anytime, anywhere.
Oh! That is so Yeager Chillax.
Angels are gonna help us fly the plane!
All: Aww.
Hey! I'm still hogging the camera here!
What, that kid's special
because he died for a second?
Bananas can kiss his own tip!
Tell 'em, Bananas!
I could suck it, but I never do.
Host: Once in Bangkok, teams
will hit their first detour,
where they'll have to choose
between yak and back.
Here, they must herd yaks
or have a full Thai massage
before they can continue racing.
_
_
Doesn't a massage sound nice,
a little romantic couple time?
We watched "Rush Hour 3" on the plane.
I think I'm done wooing you.
I bet we can rip
through that yak herding.
- Based on what?
- Hurry up!
[Cheers and applause]
Dude, they love us!
The cameras, the attention...
they're finally on us!
[Crowd shouting]: Justin! Justin!
In heaven, you can fart colors!
[Cheers and applause]
This ain't working, Yeager Chillax.
I know, Johnny Bananas.
I've seen this before.
We're not the stars of this season,
and we're never gonna be.
Ugh. This sucks. I quit.
I feel like I'll never be
happy again. Ooh, karaoke!
I'm next! I'm next!
I'm... Nattapong W.
Host: Teams must
herd their yaks into the pen
on the far side of their corral.
Since Stan and Hayley have done
all the challenges so far,
Steve and Francine must do the herding.
Kiss for luck?
We'll kiss at the finish line!
Yak, I-I'm gonna need you to...
Wow, your fur is soft!
Reminds me of a shawl I have.
I like to wrap it around my shoulders
when I get cold at Trader Joe's.
[Chuckles] Why keep it so chilly?
CVS... same problem,
not to mention how loud
they play the music in the...
Move your ass!
You can do it, honey!
[Whispering] Your great
grandmother says hello.
[Yak grunts]
[Yak bellows]
[Yaks bellowing]
Do what he did.
Do something!
Oh, my goodness.
Will you look at that temple over there?
I feel so lucky to be here.
Together: Oh, come on!
You're killing me!
You have no idea what it's like
trying to compete with
that tied around my neck.
"That"?
Oh, I think I do.
It's like you're an alpha,
and you're strapped to a...
What's the "B" one?
A little bitch boy.
You think you're an alpha?
You're an unemployed college dropout
who sleeps with her husband
in a twin bed.
First of all, it's a yoga mat
on an air-hockey table.
Second, when there's something
I want, I have another gear.
So, you don't want a real bed?
Stan, you really think
I don't pull my own weight?
Uh, this is you.
"La-di-da! I'm on vacation
and not trying to win
this race or help at all!"
I invoke a one-time-only
Tostitos Scoop Partner Swap.
Announcer: Partner Swap,
brought to you by Tostitos Scoops...
scoop up a new partner!
You know what, Stan?
I don't want to be your partner anymore.
Me neither!
Announcer: Everyone loves a Scoop!
Shall we massage, Mother?
Yes, Steve, we shall.
Let's win this thing.
Which one of you yaks is the leader?
Step forward, alpha yak!
[Yak bellows]
[Snarling]
[Dramatic music builds]
[Grunts]
[Dramatic music plays]
[Smooches]
[Grunts]
Holy shit.
♪
Call now and talk
to hot singles in your area.
Oh, man, we got chicks
like that in my area?
Oh! The race!
♪
I've never done a bungee jump
before, but I'm a single mom,
a lupus survivor, and I'll do
anything for my miracle boy.
[Screams]
Wait! How much do you weigh?!
Less than Meredith! B-B-B-Burn!
Get the next clue.
You block Justin and his mom.
We have to find
some big guy named George.
Let's do it!
Who would choose a yak herding challenge
over a massage challenge?
How stupid!
And they think we can't make decisions?
- Ludicrous.
- Insulting.
Cucumber water?
Um...
Well, hmm...
I, uh...
Hmm...
That must be George.
Hey. Are you George?
- Uh, aren't we looking for a big guy?
- That's got to be him.
He's the only guy
we've seen for an hour.
Maybe he's got a big dick.
Good thinking, daughter.
Don't mess with us, "Big Dick" George.
We're in a hurry, so take us now.
Together: Take us! Take us! Take us!
Hey, camera guy, it's a television show,
not a television "don't show."
Roasted!
I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.
If I weren't your dad,
you'd really make me laugh.
Host: Before they can continue racing,
Justin must complete
this puzzle blindfolded.
Don't worry, Mommy. I got this.
Or should I say, I "God" this.
You sure do, honey!
Believe it or not,
he's always been like this,
a real cocky little shit.
[Beeping]
Oh, it's 3:30.
- [Gun clicks]
- Well, back to the show.
See you tomorrow.
It must be an escape-room challenge.
And an eating challenge?
It's the finale.
I bet as soon as we finish this gruel,
this shack turns into a hot-air balloon.
♪
What a massage.
You were crying... a lot in there.
Sanit said that happens all the time.
Has to do with too much testosterone.
Uh-huh.
So, let's continue the race.
You bet.
We should find a... like, a train?
Is a taxi better?
Tough to say.
Maybe a stroll?
We're already in this park.
Gorgeous.
- Quick sit?
- Maybe a little nibble?
Crying makes me super hungry.
♪
Whoa! You got the wrong idea.
I'm not some prostitute who's
gonna take you to the back room.
What?
I'm a freewheelin' party boy
who'll slob your knob right here.
Just untuck your Tommy Bahama
and give me a little privacy curtain.
- ["Ghostbusters" theme plays]
- Oh, that's my song.
♪ When there's something strange ♪
Johnny.
♪ In your neighborhood ♪
I need you to...
♪ Who you gonna call? ♪
...jerk that guy off.
♪ ...Busters ♪
♪
This must be the last part
of the challenge.
Any second now,
we'll hit that hot-air balloon.
Two holes, two balloons?
Don't be silly. One's for the basket.
Now just keep digging these holes,
these two rectangular...
human-sized holes...
these graves.
This isn't part of the show, is it?
No. We seem to be prisoners
in some sort of rebel camp.
Hey, camera guy, did you know this?
- Dad, what are we gonna do?
- It's okay.
I have a lot
of experience getting out of
situations like this.
The first thing is
to ascertain what they want.
Then you figure out
how you can help them get it.
I want you to suffer, dum-dum,
so you can help me by suffering!
Welcome to the jungle, baby!
You're gonna die!
Hit it, Som Phong!
♪ Para bailar La Bamba ♪
No!
Does that sound like
"Welcome to the Jungle" to you?!
♪ Una poca de gracia ♪
Som Phong, do you even want to be here?
♪ Una poca de gracia ♪
♪
I can't believe my
arch-nemesis, Stan Smith,
has just fallen into my lap!
Dad, who is this guy?
He's a Thai general
who threw me and my friends
into prison a couple of years back.
You mean your co-workers.
My friends.
If they were your friends,
you'd be at Dick's bachelor party.
That's right. Everybody
knows you weren't invited.
- [Gasps]
- And that is just a taste
of the torture you deserve
because after you escaped,
the stupid king fired me from army!
And he took my yaks, all of them!
Dad, we were so focused on winning,
we walked straight into a prison camp.
The king took Yackie Mason
and Samuel L. Yackson.
Do you realize if we hadn't
partner-swapped,
we wouldn't be in this position.
He also took Yackie O.,
Bo-Yak Horseman...
Maybe instead
of wanting Francine and Steve
to be more like us...
...Gene Yakman, Hugh Yakman...
they're brothers.
We should be more like them.
There was a group of them
I called Nickelyak.
I don't miss them.
Well maybe... maybe...
it's not too late to learn.
We're probably going to die here,
but we can at least go out the way
Steve and Francine would...
savoring every moment.
We accept your invitation to stay.
Invitation?!
This is no prom! This prison!
Instead of corsage,
you will have disease.
Instead of party limo,
you will have pain.
Instead of peach schnapps,
you will have so much peach schnapps!
[Laughs maniacally]
[Birds chirping]
Check me out, Mama!
Great, honey!
What the hell are you doing?!
Well, we're...
I don't exactly know.
What day is it?
It's two weeks since
you switched partners.
Wow. I have got to say, I cannot
account for most of that time.
We've just kind of been hanging out.
- So, who won?
- No one!
Everyone's stuck or disappeared.
- Look.
- [Beeps]
Yay! This'll be in the movie of me!
Right, Mom?
Mom?
It's time his father
deals with some of this.
That's fair, right?
♪ Bustin', yeah, bustin'
♪ Oh, bustin' makes me feel good ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Whoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hoo! Hoo!
What about Stan and Hayley?
They were captured by Thai rebels.
Every time I want to complain
about how uncomfortable this is,
I just think,
"How would Francine and Steve
be handling it?"
They'd be appreciating every second.
Feeling the sun on their face.
[Inhales deeply]
Really smelling the mud.
And feeling the things in the mud,
like the thing
that's coiled around my leg
and working its way up.
I'm excited to see its face.
We're very lucky.
Please, please get off your
asses and win this thing.
I got to get home.
My cat-sitter... she's been sending me
some very dark e-mails.
Oh, no!
If they're acting like us,
they'll never get out of there!
If they won't act like them,
then we're gonna have to...
to save them from ourselves.
Or you could just finish the race!
I don't get to go home
until someone wins!
Wait.
I invoke a one-time-only
Rocket Mortgage Take Me Home loan.
Announcer: Rocket Mortgage...
you can't go home
if you don't have a house.
Daddy's coming home, Mr. Slippers!
[Grunts]
You know, I've kind of learned
to love this piss jar.
I hope our captors
will respect my wishes
and let me be buried with it.
And I am straight up addicted
to pooping in a river.
What is wrong with you guys?!
We have like six bathrooms!
Aah! Okay, only person
being tortured here is me!
That's on you, bro.
You choose to torture yourself.
Oh, I choose? Okay, then.
I choose to have guards shoot you a lot.
[Rumbling]
Mush! Mush!
Whoa!
I believe these are yours.
My yaks.
You have my dad and my sister,
so we came to trade.
Check out alpha Steve!
Just when we learned to appreciate
what a huge wussy you are.
And just to sweeten our offer...
A portrait! Of me!
And you even guessed that,
although I am left-handed,
I would play tennis
with my right, like my hero
Jim Courier!
Yep.
So, what do you say?
We got a deal?
No one has ever been this nice to me.
I could get used to it.
Seize them!
They had free Tai Chi
classes in the park.
Do you want me to cloud-hands
you to the flippin' Stone Age?
Okay, okay, okay! Backsies!
I accept deal!
You get dum-dum and daughter.
I get yaks and portrait.
Everyone wins!
All: All right!
Host: Actually, no one wins.
Due to everyone being disqualified,
this season's $1-million prize
has been donated
to the ExxonMobil legal defense fund.
Better lawyer up, pelicans.
Wait. It's over?
Where's the big ending?
[Creaking]
What?!
The big ending!
I knew it!
The winner is me!
I won somehow!
I'm being rewarded because I believed!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪
It's been a thrilling season
on "The Bitchin' Race."
15 teams left New York
hoping to win $1 million.
Now, only five remain...
Stan and Francine.
What a gift this has been.
Traveling around the world,
making new memories
and capturing them
in the honored art form of caricature.
[French music plays]
They say the giant head
is the window to the soul.
Every single one of those
has cost us valuable time
that I've had to make up.
Not my first-choice partner,
but every other person I know
is at Dick's bachelor party.
He's such a go-getter.
That's why I put him
in a go-cart in this one.
[Italian music plays]
...Steve and Hayley...
Not surprised we made it to the finals.
As "sibs," we have
an unfair advantage...
You suck. The reason we're in the finals
is because I'm carrying you.
You keep stopping
everywhere to buy souvenirs.
And I swear, if Jeff wasn't
at Dick's bachelor party...
...Bear and Rick.
He's a survival expert,
I'm a travel expert.
We've won every leg so far.
It hasn't been particularly enjoyable.
...Yeager and Johnny.
My name, and I hope
it's trending right now,
is Yeager Chillax.
It is not trending.
Oh, but Dannon Yogurt just followed me!
I like to kick ass and jam clam
with my man Johnny Bananas.
Yo, I've won MTV's
"The Challenge" six times.
Now I own more yellow XTERRAs
than anyone in the whole world.
Boom! Vote for us.
Is there... Is there voting on this?
And, finally, Meredith and Justin,
her son who went to heaven and back.
As a single mom who runs her own
medical billing business,
I've had my share of challenges,
but at least I have my son.
In heaven, everybody
has long outie belly buttons
that double as guitars.
He's our miracle boy.
The miracle boy who's
captured the world's heart.
But will that be enough
to win "The Bitchin' Race?"
We'll find out tonight
on the exciting season finale.
_
I know I should root
for someone in the family,
but Justin has captured my heart.
Oh, I'd love to throw it
in his mom while he's sleeping
like an angel in the next room.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
In this box are the first instructions
for the final leg of the race.
Is everybody ready?
Travel safe.
Go!
♪
Bangkok!
Ah, Bangkok,
the most romantic-sounding
city in the... Ahh!
We've got to get to the airport.
Expert travelers know
that the best place
to find a cab is often at a hotel.
There's a Ramada two blocks southeast.
I'll grab a boba on the way
so when I have to
drink my own piss later,
it'll taste like Boba.
- Dude, you ready to do this?
- "Abs-solutely"!
I'm all packed!
Aww, yeah!
Why does mine look different from yours?
Are... Are you doing something?
Are you eating something?
Let's go. Drive faster. We're in a race!
I don't think this is a taxi.
I think we just got in this
Tunisian guy's car.
Wait. Are you not a cab driver?
Wait. Are you not carjackers?
[Laughter]
I didn't say slow down.
[Laughs]
- Where are all the cabs?
- [Vibrating]
What is wrong with this country?
Maybe it's for the best.
Our table's ready at the Hard Rock.
We're not going to the Hard Rock.
We've got a race to win.
But some of the pins
they won't let you buy
unless you eat there!
[Indistinct talking, horns honking]
_
__
Do you need me to take out
all my drawings?
Uh, no.
Your acne scarring inspires me.
I'm gonna draw you.
They're getting ahead of us!
Ooh! I'm gonna put a little moon man
planting a flag in your cheek.
Maybe give him a tennis racquet.
Can you imagine playing
tennis on the moon?
It's probably all lobs.
[Snorts, laughs]
Here's a tip.
To get through the terminal quickly,
sit in the lap of a wheelchair person.
By the time anyone
hears their weak protest,
you'll be at your gate.
Cowabunga, dude!
If they get the first flight out,
we'll never catch them.
And Francine's still stuck at security.
Steve's in the gift shop.
He keeps buying and returning the same
Tunisian New York Yankees hat.
We have to stop the experts
from getting on that plane.
I invoke a one-time-only
Dollar Shave Club Temporary Alliance.
[Shaving cream squirting]
Announcer: Now, that's
some smooth action.
Hi. I'm Brett Favre for
poor retirement planning...
Klaus: Nope.
Huh. When you're not doing it yourself,
ski jumping is phenomenally boring.
Ohh! Aah! He's pinwheeling!
There's no way he survived that!
Ugh. There's his leg. Nasty.
[Sighs] They're bringing
it to the widow. Good.
Ohh! But another woman's
fighting for it!
His mistress, of course.
Ah, ski jumpers.
We're all dogs.
Oh, no, the race!
[Dramatic music plays]
[Both panting]
Who would have guessed that Rick Steves
would be harder to choke out
than Bear Grylls?
He smiled the whole time
and would not break eye contact.
I like to go half-recline
even before we push from the gate.
I've never been busted.
Are you willing and able to assist
in the event of an emergency?
Honey, I'll assist
you anytime, anywhere.
Oh! That is so Yeager Chillax.
Angels are gonna help us fly the plane!
All: Aww.
Hey! I'm still hogging the camera here!
What, that kid's special
because he died for a second?
Bananas can kiss his own tip!
Tell 'em, Bananas!
I could suck it, but I never do.
Host: Once in Bangkok, teams
will hit their first detour,
where they'll have to choose
between yak and back.
Here, they must herd yaks
or have a full Thai massage
before they can continue racing.
_
_
Doesn't a massage sound nice,
a little romantic couple time?
We watched "Rush Hour 3" on the plane.
I think I'm done wooing you.
I bet we can rip
through that yak herding.
- Based on what?
- Hurry up!
[Cheers and applause]
Dude, they love us!
The cameras, the attention...
they're finally on us!
[Crowd shouting]: Justin! Justin!
In heaven, you can fart colors!
[Cheers and applause]
This ain't working, Yeager Chillax.
I know, Johnny Bananas.
I've seen this before.
We're not the stars of this season,
and we're never gonna be.
Ugh. This sucks. I quit.
I feel like I'll never be
happy again. Ooh, karaoke!
I'm next! I'm next!
I'm... Nattapong W.
Host: Teams must
herd their yaks into the pen
on the far side of their corral.
Since Stan and Hayley have done
all the challenges so far,
Steve and Francine must do the herding.
Kiss for luck?
We'll kiss at the finish line!
Yak, I-I'm gonna need you to...
Wow, your fur is soft!
Reminds me of a shawl I have.
I like to wrap it around my shoulders
when I get cold at Trader Joe's.
[Chuckles] Why keep it so chilly?
CVS... same problem,
not to mention how loud
they play the music in the...
Move your ass!
You can do it, honey!
[Whispering] Your great
grandmother says hello.
[Yak grunts]
[Yak bellows]
[Yaks bellowing]
Do what he did.
Do something!
Oh, my goodness.
Will you look at that temple over there?
I feel so lucky to be here.
Together: Oh, come on!
You're killing me!
You have no idea what it's like
trying to compete with
that tied around my neck.
"That"?
Oh, I think I do.
It's like you're an alpha,
and you're strapped to a...
What's the "B" one?
A little bitch boy.
You think you're an alpha?
You're an unemployed college dropout
who sleeps with her husband
in a twin bed.
First of all, it's a yoga mat
on an air-hockey table.
Second, when there's something
I want, I have another gear.
So, you don't want a real bed?
Stan, you really think
I don't pull my own weight?
Uh, this is you.
"La-di-da! I'm on vacation
and not trying to win
this race or help at all!"
I invoke a one-time-only
Tostitos Scoop Partner Swap.
Announcer: Partner Swap,
brought to you by Tostitos Scoops...
scoop up a new partner!
You know what, Stan?
I don't want to be your partner anymore.
Me neither!
Announcer: Everyone loves a Scoop!
Shall we massage, Mother?
Yes, Steve, we shall.
Let's win this thing.
Which one of you yaks is the leader?
Step forward, alpha yak!
[Yak bellows]
[Snarling]
[Dramatic music builds]
[Grunts]
[Dramatic music plays]
[Smooches]
[Grunts]
Holy shit.
♪
Call now and talk
to hot singles in your area.
Oh, man, we got chicks
like that in my area?
Oh! The race!
♪
I've never done a bungee jump
before, but I'm a single mom,
a lupus survivor, and I'll do
anything for my miracle boy.
[Screams]
Wait! How much do you weigh?!
Less than Meredith! B-B-B-Burn!
Get the next clue.
You block Justin and his mom.
We have to find
some big guy named George.
Let's do it!
Who would choose a yak herding challenge
over a massage challenge?
How stupid!
And they think we can't make decisions?
- Ludicrous.
- Insulting.
Cucumber water?
Um...
Well, hmm...
I, uh...
Hmm...
That must be George.
Hey. Are you George?
- Uh, aren't we looking for a big guy?
- That's got to be him.
He's the only guy
we've seen for an hour.
Maybe he's got a big dick.
Good thinking, daughter.
Don't mess with us, "Big Dick" George.
We're in a hurry, so take us now.
Together: Take us! Take us! Take us!
Hey, camera guy, it's a television show,
not a television "don't show."
Roasted!
I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.
If I weren't your dad,
you'd really make me laugh.
Host: Before they can continue racing,
Justin must complete
this puzzle blindfolded.
Don't worry, Mommy. I got this.
Or should I say, I "God" this.
You sure do, honey!
Believe it or not,
he's always been like this,
a real cocky little shit.
[Beeping]
Oh, it's 3:30.
- [Gun clicks]
- Well, back to the show.
See you tomorrow.
It must be an escape-room challenge.
And an eating challenge?
It's the finale.
I bet as soon as we finish this gruel,
this shack turns into a hot-air balloon.
♪
What a massage.
You were crying... a lot in there.
Sanit said that happens all the time.
Has to do with too much testosterone.
Uh-huh.
So, let's continue the race.
You bet.
We should find a... like, a train?
Is a taxi better?
Tough to say.
Maybe a stroll?
We're already in this park.
Gorgeous.
- Quick sit?
- Maybe a little nibble?
Crying makes me super hungry.
♪
Whoa! You got the wrong idea.
I'm not some prostitute who's
gonna take you to the back room.
What?
I'm a freewheelin' party boy
who'll slob your knob right here.
Just untuck your Tommy Bahama
and give me a little privacy curtain.
- ["Ghostbusters" theme plays]
- Oh, that's my song.
♪ When there's something strange ♪
Johnny.
♪ In your neighborhood ♪
I need you to...
♪ Who you gonna call? ♪
...jerk that guy off.
♪ ...Busters ♪
♪
This must be the last part
of the challenge.
Any second now,
we'll hit that hot-air balloon.
Two holes, two balloons?
Don't be silly. One's for the basket.
Now just keep digging these holes,
these two rectangular...
human-sized holes...
these graves.
This isn't part of the show, is it?
No. We seem to be prisoners
in some sort of rebel camp.
Hey, camera guy, did you know this?
- Dad, what are we gonna do?
- It's okay.
I have a lot
of experience getting out of
situations like this.
The first thing is
to ascertain what they want.
Then you figure out
how you can help them get it.
I want you to suffer, dum-dum,
so you can help me by suffering!
Welcome to the jungle, baby!
You're gonna die!
Hit it, Som Phong!
♪ Para bailar La Bamba ♪
No!
Does that sound like
"Welcome to the Jungle" to you?!
♪ Una poca de gracia ♪
Som Phong, do you even want to be here?
♪ Una poca de gracia ♪
♪
I can't believe my
arch-nemesis, Stan Smith,
has just fallen into my lap!
Dad, who is this guy?
He's a Thai general
who threw me and my friends
into prison a couple of years back.
You mean your co-workers.
My friends.
If they were your friends,
you'd be at Dick's bachelor party.
That's right. Everybody
knows you weren't invited.
- [Gasps]
- And that is just a taste
of the torture you deserve
because after you escaped,
the stupid king fired me from army!
And he took my yaks, all of them!
Dad, we were so focused on winning,
we walked straight into a prison camp.
The king took Yackie Mason
and Samuel L. Yackson.
Do you realize if we hadn't
partner-swapped,
we wouldn't be in this position.
He also took Yackie O.,
Bo-Yak Horseman...
Maybe instead
of wanting Francine and Steve
to be more like us...
...Gene Yakman, Hugh Yakman...
they're brothers.
We should be more like them.
There was a group of them
I called Nickelyak.
I don't miss them.
Well maybe... maybe...
it's not too late to learn.
We're probably going to die here,
but we can at least go out the way
Steve and Francine would...
savoring every moment.
We accept your invitation to stay.
Invitation?!
This is no prom! This prison!
Instead of corsage,
you will have disease.
Instead of party limo,
you will have pain.
Instead of peach schnapps,
you will have so much peach schnapps!
[Laughs maniacally]
[Birds chirping]
Check me out, Mama!
Great, honey!
What the hell are you doing?!
Well, we're...
I don't exactly know.
What day is it?
It's two weeks since
you switched partners.
Wow. I have got to say, I cannot
account for most of that time.
We've just kind of been hanging out.
- So, who won?
- No one!
Everyone's stuck or disappeared.
- Look.
- [Beeps]
Yay! This'll be in the movie of me!
Right, Mom?
Mom?
It's time his father
deals with some of this.
That's fair, right?
♪ Bustin', yeah, bustin'
♪ Oh, bustin' makes me feel good ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Whoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hoo! Hoo!
What about Stan and Hayley?
They were captured by Thai rebels.
Every time I want to complain
about how uncomfortable this is,
I just think,
"How would Francine and Steve
be handling it?"
They'd be appreciating every second.
Feeling the sun on their face.
[Inhales deeply]
Really smelling the mud.
And feeling the things in the mud,
like the thing
that's coiled around my leg
and working its way up.
I'm excited to see its face.
We're very lucky.
Please, please get off your
asses and win this thing.
I got to get home.
My cat-sitter... she's been sending me
some very dark e-mails.
Oh, no!
If they're acting like us,
they'll never get out of there!
If they won't act like them,
then we're gonna have to...
to save them from ourselves.
Or you could just finish the race!
I don't get to go home
until someone wins!
Wait.
I invoke a one-time-only
Rocket Mortgage Take Me Home loan.
Announcer: Rocket Mortgage...
you can't go home
if you don't have a house.
Daddy's coming home, Mr. Slippers!
[Grunts]
You know, I've kind of learned
to love this piss jar.
I hope our captors
will respect my wishes
and let me be buried with it.
And I am straight up addicted
to pooping in a river.
What is wrong with you guys?!
We have like six bathrooms!
Aah! Okay, only person
being tortured here is me!
That's on you, bro.
You choose to torture yourself.
Oh, I choose? Okay, then.
I choose to have guards shoot you a lot.
[Rumbling]
Mush! Mush!
Whoa!
I believe these are yours.
My yaks.
You have my dad and my sister,
so we came to trade.
Check out alpha Steve!
Just when we learned to appreciate
what a huge wussy you are.
And just to sweeten our offer...
A portrait! Of me!
And you even guessed that,
although I am left-handed,
I would play tennis
with my right, like my hero
Jim Courier!
Yep.
So, what do you say?
We got a deal?
No one has ever been this nice to me.
I could get used to it.
Seize them!
They had free Tai Chi
classes in the park.
Do you want me to cloud-hands
you to the flippin' Stone Age?
Okay, okay, okay! Backsies!
I accept deal!
You get dum-dum and daughter.
I get yaks and portrait.
Everyone wins!
All: All right!
Host: Actually, no one wins.
Due to everyone being disqualified,
this season's $1-million prize
has been donated
to the ExxonMobil legal defense fund.
Better lawyer up, pelicans.
Wait. It's over?
Where's the big ending?
[Creaking]
What?!
The big ending!
I knew it!
The winner is me!
I won somehow!
I'm being rewarded because I believed!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com