American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 14 - Julia Rogerts - full transcript

Stan!

What are you doing with my fancy jam?!

I'm getting an iguana.

What are you talking about?

Duh! I need the jar for my crickets.

The guy at the pet store
wouldn't sell me the iguana

until I could show him
a big jar of crickets...

to prove I could feed the iguana...
I think.

I was so excited I
just ran out of there.

Stan, you jerk!

That was the jam I got
at Colonial Williamsburg!



Now I have to go back,
and it's so boring!

Well, if something's
that important to you,

maybe put a note on it!

Oven's clean.

I feel like I'm always
screwing up with Francine.

- You are. That's accurate.
- Gets me tense.

- I feel like I'm wound so tight.
- You are.

You're like a wire that's been wound

around a thing super tight.

That's me. You're telling my story.

You got to cut loose.

Cutting loose. That's the dream.

Well, let's do it.

You're my boy,
and I'm always here to help.



Sorry, I'm kind of down to the dregs,

but we'll make it work.

To cutting loose.

♪ Loose ♪

♪ Cut loose ♪

♪ Let us drink some more booze ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, wow ♪

♪ Chug this blue Curaçao ♪

♪ Lis... terine ♪

♪ It's a booze 'cause it's green ♪

♪ Quaker Stake ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have a better idea.

We can drink this.

It's got a... a note on it.

Ho, ho, ho!

I'm Santa.

You should get coal, but it's wine.

I think it's happening.

I'm loose.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Okay.

The cheapest Faberge egg is $79,000?

He's worth it.

Can I get that with a side
of bejeweled hash browns?

Nothing. Guess you're all business
down there in Clearwater, huh?

Okay, Stan Smith.

Visa 481...

- Roger?
- Nope!

- Are you wearing my pants?
- With your blessing.

We both agreed I look better in them.

"Stan, do not drink."

Was this on Francine's wine?

Oh, God, this is
so much worse than the jam!

Stan, it's me.
I've come to reprimand you

for using Francine's jam!

You know what I love
about going to the movies?

Turning my phone back on.

My favorite part is
clapping at random credits

like I'm a Hollywood insider.

That's what Barry does.

He claps for the Grips.

Barry? Who's Barry?

My friend, Barry.

Hmm. No. I don't think I've met him.

You're telling me
you've never met Barry?

I don't think... The Japanese kid?

No, the fat one. He's super fat.

Just think, you got to know Barry.

I am thinking, Steve.

All I do is think.

This is crazy. Do... Do you know Snot?

Um...

Snot's not for everyone, but Barry...

Barry's for you.

This has to happen.

Think I forgot my hoodie in the theater.

Yeah, yeah, great. Go get it.

Enjoy these last few days

of being Jeff who doesn't know Barry.

Arrangements must be made.
Everything has to be perfect.

What if I do too much
and ruin everything?

You know, I'm gonna be hands off.

Let nature take its course.

But... sometimes,

nature needs... a little push.

There are many ways to play this.

The wine's out of stock everywhere.

The vineyard doesn't even exist anymore.

I'm screwed.

Francine will never forgive
me for drinking that wine.

What if we made the wine?
What if we just made it?

Have you seen "The Martian"?

If Matt Damon can grow
potatoes out of his own feces,

we can do this,

especially if we already had
some of Matt Damon's feces.

It's dry because it's from
"School Ties."

Can't have Francine
knowing what we're up to.

This way,
whenever she looks out the window,

she'll think you're
practicing basketball.

You don't play basketball on the lawn.

How about we say I'm playing
"grassketball"?

Deal.

Say hello to me,
Mario Vincent Sangervasi.

How are we gonna make an exact replica

of Francine's wine?

We're gonna make it exactly the same way

it was made the first time.

Same vine, same soil,
imported from France.

_

On this day, it was sunny,

so we're gonna find some sun.

Two best buds following the weather,

wherever it takes us...

"weather" we like it or not.

D'you hear that?

Hey, babe, hey, I'm gonna be spending

what looks like a
significant amount of time

working on my jump shot in the backyard.

I ask that you please not disturb me

and trust that I will
come out the other side

a reliable shooting
guard for this family.

Who would've thought the
weather in the Loire Valley

on this day in July

could be exactly replicated

behind a Waffle House
dumpster in Fort Worth.

I almost forgot.
The wine maker smoked a pipe.

And that affects the vine?

It all affects the vine.

And Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time"

was at the top of the charts
when our wine was made.

Can the vine see your outfit?

This is for you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Roger, stop! Roger!

Oh, is my dick showing, like Cher's did?

No, there's a tornado!

Yeah, that's why we're here, silly.

A twister hit the vines in '89!

It whipped them around real good.

Only the sweetest grapes
were left on the vine.

This is the big mama, Stan.

We got to secure the truck!

Roger, the vine!

Stan, the Roger!

Look at us! We're farmers!

Roger, it seems like we might die here.

What? Why?

You were just trying to help me out.

I'm sorry it ended up like this.

It's okay.

You would've done the same for me.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Stan.

Couldn't help but notice you
took a little pause there.

W-Would you do this for me?

Um...

No.

No, probably not.

Oh.

Well, you've hurt me terribly, so...

There's a corpse in here!

There's maggots in its mouth!

I'm going out the top!

_

That's Julia. She's new in town.

I heard she was hurt
terribly by a man she loved.

Poor, sweet, fragile thing.

I heard she's looking for a fresh start.

I heard she had her bottom ribs removed

so she could go down on herself.

♪ Gentle song ♪

♪ Gentle song ♪

Aah!

Sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.

No, it's okay. I thought
you were that monster Stan.

No! I won't even say that name.

Stan. Never mind.

You're here to buy dried flowers.

Anything here catch your eye?

- This vine.
- The vine's not for sale!

It's an all-too-perfect reminder

of a past I never want to remember.

I couldn't part with it.

Now, let's get you some dried flowers.

I have some peonies that are very dry,

and some tulips that are
quite dry, as well.

Do you have any dry roses?

My roses are like bones in a desert.

Oh, I haven't had a bone
in my desert in years.

Damn, old lady!

How's he shooting?

- I haven't seen him miss.
- Wow.

That's our guy.

Hey, what're you guys doing here?

Jeff is meeting Barry today.
I need the room.

Oh, God, that's today?
I have to give Jeff his bath!

You were supposed to give
him a bath last night!

And you were supposed to go to the mall!

I didn't want to go by myself.

That's what we have Klaus for.

♪ Gentle song ♪

♪ Gentle song ♪

Are you all right?

I'm Jesse.

You must be Julia.

It's very nice to finally meet you.

Put the whole idea out of your head.

It'll never happen.

You're just a silly handsome fool.

And don't try to follow
me or my flowers.

Oh, I ran out.

Well, then definitely
don't try to follow me

or my trail of Miller Lite tall boys.

Wow. You really like that fudge.

So, why dried flowers?

I think it's inspiring

that something once so
vibrant and full of life

can still be delicately beautiful

even after so many terrible things

have happened to me.

Sounds like dried flowers
are a little like you.

That seems like a stretch.

I can't believe that Stan fella.

If I ever get my hands on him...

Oh, Jesse.

Oh, Julia.

Would you go to the
harvest festival with me?

You're sweet as fudge, Jesse,

but I'm just not ready
to get back out there.

Aren't you awfully lonely?

Oh, I have Percy, my service rooster.

We look out for each other.

And of course I have my vine.

Your vine is dying, Julia.

Let me plant it in my field, nurture it,

keep it safe until it's strong again.

How much is that gonna set me back?

I wasn't gonna charge you.

Oh, well, that's really generous of you.

Your half of the fudge is six bucks.

I... brought you that fudge.

Oh, Jesse.

Julia's perfect.
I think she's... the one.

Hey, farmer boy!

Is that dance still available?

Dance? Did I say...
'Cause there's no dance.

More just rides and games and stuff.

Well, if we're not gonna dance,
then I want fried butter.

_

Pick your prize! I got Munions.

Just like Minions, but more fun.

When you touch them,

you can feel the shredded
Chinese newspaper inside.

Babies love the sound.

I like the sound of the bell.

The bell is not a prize.
It's part of the game.

Jesse, I want the bell.

Without the bell, my family starves!

I beg you!

Please take a Rastafarian Munion!

Oh!

Jesse, this is it!
I'm coming out of my shell!

My bell!

You know what? I don't even care.

I've escaped my old life

and all the horrible darkness of my past

is behind me forever!

I'd like to test my strength.

Oh, I don't work here.

I said, I'd like to test my strength.

Uh... I guess we could wrestle.

Hold daddy's butter.

You're going back to your
mom's house with a Munion.

I've had such a wonderful night,

but I hope you understand,
I-I can't let you come inside.

I respect that.

So, you can either do it
on my back or my feet.

Dealer's choice.

Goodnight, sweet Julia!

Jesse, get back here,
you stupid farm boy!

Oh, that farm boy.

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.

Percy! Stop that clicking.

Damn clicking will be the end of me.

Ahh.

Percy?

Percy?

Jesse?

Stan!

How'd you track me down?

You kept sending me postcards
about how happy you are now

and how much you like your
new friends better than me,

and then you sent me driving
directions to your house.

And you just had to come
and beg my forgiveness

and tell me how much you appreciate me,

how much you miss me,
and how much you want me back.

Well, obviously you'll stop at nothing,

so I might as well pack my bags

and get to know this new you
you keep talking so much about.

Now, it's gonna take me some
time to forgive you completely.

I'm there. 100% forgiven.

Get over here... You know what?

You've already come so far.
I'll come to you.

I'm here for the vine.

The vine? This is the new you?

'Cause he sure seems... Damn it, Percy!

Stop the clicking!

Roger, that's enough!

Grab the vine. We're going home.

No! I'm the one who's had enough!

Oh, thank God, Jesse!
The man who hurt me is here.

And you brought the whole town, perfect.

Go give him the country business.

And you have torches. Nice touch.

Oh, this guy's got, like, a scepter.

That's cool.

Oh, and you're tying me up
so I'm not tempted

to join the fight...
Always the gentleman.

Now, here's something I can't figure.

Why are these fine folks
putting on crow masks?

To honor the Crow God!

She's the one! Grab the sacrifice!

Now drive me to safety, benevolent mob.

We gather to make a
sacrifice to the Crow God.

Sacrifice to the Crow God!

Really, Edwin?
You gonna do this right now?

"You're gonna do this right now?"

You're just mad
'cause you're not head Crow guy.

"Head Crow guy!" Ung...

Anyway...
only the blood of a pure maiden

will appease the Crow God

and ensure a bountiful corn crop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pure maiden? Me?

I had sex with a guy on
the truck ride over here.

Now, who was he? He had a crow mask on.

Ohh, it was him... brown corduroys.

Her talented mouth tells lies!

Bring forth the executioner.

On the count of three,
I'm gonna cut your hands free.

Stan?

This is the guy who hurt me!

Get ready for the country business,
Stan.

Kill them both!

Jesse, help!

No, I get it, Stan.

I get that they're trying to kill me.

It was just hard for
me to give up the dream

of you getting worked over by
a bunch of country bumpkins.

I'd like to see them try.

I would've been all like, "Bam, bam!

Behind the door! Ba bam!"

Second floor, Stan!

- Bam, bam!
- And I have a machine gun!

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

- I'm out of ammo.
- Have some of mine.

No, for real. Let's go!

Just in case.

This is crazy.

Jeff and Barry have
been in there so long.

Well, what if they don't hit it off?

This is the first time
Jeff and Barry have met.

They have a lot of ground to cover.

I think it's a good sign.

We don't know what it is!

We haven't heard peep one out of them!

We heard that sneeze a while ago.

But no "Bless you."

Oh, that is true.

Maybe it was a cough.
Could be what Stan has.

He hasn't been feeling well.

"Maybe a cough."

Maybe it was a unicorn

farting its way over the rainbow.

Am I the only one not
living in a fantasy world?

You got this guy
swimming around smiling,

playing with his
bubbles like an asshole!

Hey, man, I was playing with the bubbles

for like one second.

No one wants Barry and Jeff
to happen more than me.

More than me?!

It's gorilla time.

Aah!

Aaaaah!

Let him go!

This has been a long time coming.

Oh, God! This is madness!

My babies are gonna kill each other!

- Stop!
- We have an announcement.

Jeff and I have decided...

to do a project together.

Oh, yeah!

Everybody wins!

_

Quick thinking, Roger.
A dried flower shop.

No one on earth would ever come in here.

This is my shop.

What?

Well,
this is the first place they'll look.

I wanted you to see it.

I put a lot of work into
transforming this place.

Can you believe it was
a frame shop before?

But I've utterly erased
all memory of that.

Now when people think of 24 Main Street,

they think about one thing...

buying and selling dried flowers.

That's right. I buy them, too.
It's the GameStop model.

I also sell PlayStation controllers.

They're inside the old frame shop!

Son of a bitch.

We're totally surrounded.
No weapons, no way out.

Sorry I got you into this, Stan.

I was all hung up on how
far you would go for me.

And all you wanted was to make
things right with Francine.

And all you needed was this.

- Francine's wine.
- I made it from our vine.

I don't even need this.

I slapped a fake label
on a bottle of Diet Rite.

Francine said it was, and I quote,

"The best wine she's
ever had in her life."

If you didn't need the vine,

then... then why did you come here?

For you, to bring you home.

But in the tornado,
you said you wouldn't...

Yeah, I know. It's... It's just...

It's hard for me to
talk about my feelings.

I'll do it for you.

Just give my hand a little squeeze

if I'm barking up the right tree.

You care about me, Stan.

You would go to great trouble for me.

Okay, we're getting somewhere.

Our friendship is so profound,
it's like a love.

Aww.

Our love is developing
a sexual component?

Oh, I felt something.

I flinched 'cause of the brick.

Riiiight.

To our unconsummated friendship.

To getting loose

before we get murdered by crow people.

- Oh, God!
- What do you think?

There were only four grapes,
so I topped it off with gasoline

and a little bit of nitroglycerine...

for the tannins.

That's what gives it its legs.

And it pairs well with fudge.

Oh, I'm fresh out. You know what?

I'll just nip on over to the fudge shop.

Hold up, what's this?

It's my secret tunnel to the fudge shop.

I can't believe you didn't mention this.

Hey, I'm not particularly
proud of stealing fudge, Stan.

But I am proud of my tunnel.

Doesn't feel like a tunnel,
more like a lovely hallway.

Where the hell did they go?
This is so frustrating.

I'm starting to question if
there even is a Crow God.

Look, a sign from the Crow God.

I never doubted you!

Whoa.

This fudge is amazing.

You should meet the lady who makes it.

Oh, here she comes.