American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 7 - LGBSteve - full transcript

Roller derby is amazing.

I can't believe they were giving
tickets at the Organic Juice store.

I didn't even have to buy juice.

I did. They're good.

What is just like apple juice except it's really
salty and has lots of scum on top?

Did you see that trip?

That's bullcrap. Somebody do something.

Don't worry.
Here comes the cavalry.

Whoa, that was awesome.

These women are warriors.

They live by the code
of the ancient Amazon.



A sisterhood that had each other's backs.

Wow, I wish I had that.

You do!
Hello? Right here?

You know I always got your back,
girlfriend.

- Hey!
- Don't block the aisle, bitch!

- Klaus!
- What? Did something just... Uh...

I mean, I caught the
tail and the fat, but...

I don't want to get involved in anything
if I didn't see the whole...

the whole incident, because, you know...

when I come, I come heavy.

But it's just irresponsible
if I didn't see the whole incident.

*** going forward,
I got your back.

Assuming I see the whole incident.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪



♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good -- ♪
♪ good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Excuse me, miss.

I-I got to say,
what you guys do is incredible.

You're like
modern Amazon warriors.

It's not "miss."
It's iris.

I don't respond
to gender-specific titles.

Love it.

If you're into it,
you should try out.

Really?!
I'd love to!

Oh, but can I play
if I'm straight?

Straight, huh?
Not getting that from you.

But sexual orientation --
that's your own business.

You're so open-minded.

Hayley,
I'm sorry for earlier.

I did see the whole incident.

Geez, Klaus.
How much have you had to drink?

One beer.

So, let's go find that bitch
and kick her ass!

Oh, God.
There she is.

Stan, you said you'd
call the repairman to fix this.

Sorry. I guess I got
a little busy...

Going to work.
Remember?

The only thing I remember

is that you never
do what you promise.

Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!

This was once
a house of love!

You know how you guys always say
I don't have a thing?

I've found my thing --
roller derby.

So much female power.

Chicks...crushin' each other,

takin' back the night.

That's why I'm trying out.

I've never been part
of a team like that.

They are
modern-day Amazons.

Hey, stop saying "Amazons"
like you made it up.

I was the one in the bathroom

when the guy explained it
that way to his buddy.

Me, not you! Me!

Steve, you want to go
grab a beer?

I'll put on coffee, Klaus.

Stan, do something!

I just walked in the door!

Hmm.
"Fold here."

Ooh! The dark arts!

You're gonna try out
for roller derby?

I'd love to see that.

You don't even have
your own skates.

Well, you can come watch
if you let me borrow a pair.

In-line, roller,
or sequined roller?

That's a trick question.

They're all sequined.

I'm gonna win!
I'm gonna win!

Wha?

Oh, honey, you were so close
to winning an iPod nano.

Go tell your caregiver
you need more money.

Roger!

What?
If I let her win,

everybody will know there's
no iPod nanos in those boxes,

just dried
dog doo-doos.

Well, they should be dry by now.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm the day manager.
Bit of a rink rat.

Hey!

Hey, Steve!
Your crossover's looking great!

Thanks, man!

Kid's always here.

I imagine he has
a pretty tough time at home.

Skates like he's trying
to outrun something.

I gave you a $5.

And I gave you four quarters.

Aah!

Hey, sis!

Hope your friends
don't just eat shit

because I'm about
to shoot the duck!

Aah!

I promise I'll get better.

I'll practice night and day

if you'll just let me
be part of this.

Fine. You're in.
I am?!

Shakin' the bacon!

But only if you can get
your sister to play, too.

She's a natural jammer.
My sister?

Crisscross applesauce!

Whoa.

This is not
fixing the sink, Stan.

You tore up the roof!

I needed wood to fix the sink,
I thought!

I swear, if our whole house
doesn't fall apart,

i-it'll be a miracle!

Maybe I can help.

Who the hell are you?

I'm a simple carpenter.

Perfect.
You're hired.

Start with the roof.

Ah, the roof.

The roof protects
the souls beneath

from life's buffeting storm.

Shh.

I'm seeing this...
when I want to see this.

Oh. My tools.

Ugh.

Come on.
I can only join if you play.

They think I look like a girl?

That's crazy.

I know.
It's hard to believe.

But you're an amazing skater,
and you'd get to show that off.

Yeah...

And you'd get to hang out
with all those girls.

Right, sure.

Hold their hands sometimes

when they fling you forward
into other girls.

Well, that is
how the game works.

And sometimes there
are these big pileups

where you can't tell
where one girl begins

and another one ends.

And in the middle
of that pileup...will be you.

You've given me
a lot to consider.

I'll do it.
I'll pretend I'm a girl.

Also, it might not be a lie

'cause that split
just destroyed my balls.

All right, ladies, I want
a good, clean match tonight,

straight derby -- no
hair-pullin', no clam-diggin'.

Now, I got to go take care
of that rat problem.

I-I can't believe
I'm asking this,

but are you taped down there?

Yep. The beast
is in the cage.

Hey, Iris.

Listen, rookie, on game nights,
we go by our nicknames.

I'm "Luck of the Iris."

"Stevie Wonderbra."

I-I like it
'cause it's about tits.

"@8?47qq#"?

That's what we had left over.

Well, I'm gonna pretend
you put thought into it.

Aww.

Hey, Wonderbra, a little help?

I taped my leg,
but it's still real tight.

Help me stretch it?

Uh, o-okay.

Come on, girl, lean into it!

Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's the sweet spot!

Do you have
any more of that tape?

I need to, um...re-tape.

Now, qq#!

Victory party at my place!

Good game!

Oh, oh!
That's my tush!

You're one of the best players
I've ever seen!

I'm Devin.

"Seven Minutes in Devin."

Good luck lasting that long.

You are adorbs.

That's two
on the same cheek, Dev!

I'm gonna have to explain
the hand mark

to my mom at bath time.

Uh...kiddin', yo!

I shower now, solo --

just me and the baby monitor.

Here, Stevie, try the chicken.

Val raised it,
humanely slaughtered it,

and paired it
with an amazing spaetzle.

Spaetzle --
Hitler's favorite side dish.

That's a good fact.
I know a fact!

This place is made
from salvaged train cars.

God! Why did I say that?
I'm blowing it.

What?
You're blowing it?

I keep bringing it back
to Hitler.

You're amazing.

What are you doing?

I'm crushing it.

For some reason, as Stevie,
I can't make a wrong move.

I've never felt this comfortable
talking to girls.

I mean, Devin is all over me.

Uh, are you a stupid?

Excuse me?

She's gonna find out
you're a guy,

and you're gonna get us
kicked off the team.

This is the first group of women
I've ever hung out with

who are as open-minded
as I am.

Fine.
Devin's off limits.

You're damn right.

Tomorrow, all of us gals
are gonna go pickling.

That means maximum bonding.

♪ We love fun ♪

♪ we're going out
and having some ♪

♪ we love fun ♪

♪ you know we're gonna
have a ton ♪

♪ put on your fun suit ♪

♪ ...Page news ♪

♪ Put on your party pants ♪

♪ the time has come for us
to make a stance ♪

♪ we love fun ♪

Hey, can I talk to you
for a sec?

Sure. What's up?
Whoa!

Right?

It's everybody's name
in Chinese characters.

The whole team?

Yeah.
I'm super into this.

I haven't had
this many female friends

since that bunch
of popular girls in high school

tried to trick me
into killing myself.

Well, I'm just so happy

that you and your sister
joined the team.

This is the longest relationship
I've ever had.

Excuse me?

Stevie and I -- things have been
going pretty well.

We've already talked about

opening a butcher shop
in Park Slope.

What?!

Well, there would also
be sandwiches, fresh ciabatta.

Will you excuse me?

What were you thinking?!

Hayley, it's not what you think.

There'll also be sandwiches,
fresh ciabatta.

Look, you can't do this
to Devin.

You have to tell her the truth,
or I will.

I'm not gonna say anything
to her, and neither will you.

If I go down,
you go down with me.

Then all that ink
on your arm --

it'll just be a bunch
of nonsense no one can read,

unless you move to China,
but who are we kidding?

You're not moving to China.
You don't have the guts.

I'm just saying,
as long as we've got him here,

have him put in a garden.

That which we plant together,
we reap together.

Never in all my years
of hiring help

has one tried to touch me.

Mister bird-poo roof-hands
over here.

Forget my hands!

Look, just...
look behind you.

Where are the carnations?

Carnations are so...

I see zinnias.
I see jonquils.

Look, I'm gonna assume

you don't get a ton of play
with the ladies,

but carnations are every woman's
favorite flower.

I'm 1,000% sure

carnations aren't anyone's
favorite flower.

Tulips?! Where did you
find this asshole?!

Get me carnations!

Come on, honey.

Noooo!!

I hate this garden!!

Carnations.

So ugly!!

Oh, God, save
the nude photos of Merv Griffin!

Okay, ladies,
tomorrow's the championship,

and together,
we're gonna win the whole thing.

Now bring it in!

Hayley, bring it in.

I can't bring it in, coach.

Whoa.
You got to bring it in.

Sorry, but it can't be brought,

not when somebody
on this team is lying...

because one of those hands...

is attached to a body...

that's attached to a penis!

Stevie is a Steve.

I-I can't believe this.

Whoa, ladies,
I-I-I can explain.

Not you, her.

Me?!
But he's a boy!

We know.
You do?

D-did you know?
Of course I did.

You've had a boner
for like two weeks.

But having a penis
doesn't make him a boy.

It doesn't?
Are you positive?

Obviously, Stevie is a girl
trapped in a boy's body.

Uh, I'm not sure it's --
it's obvious.

Sure. You're
a boy on the outside,

but on the inside,
you're all girl.

But th-th-that
can't be.

I-I like girls.

We all like girls, Stevie.

So, I'm a lesbian
inside a boy's body?

That's crazy.

Did you like pickling with us?

More than anything.

Did you have fun
at the Doc Martens store?

They had
a cut-in-half shoe!

Y-you could see
its workings!

And haven't you felt
more confident around women

than you ever have before

and, like,
comfortable in your own skin?

Oh, my God.

I need time to process this.

Wow.

I thought we were both
gonna get kicked off the team.

Nope.

Just you.

What?! Why?!

You just pulled
someone's pants down

to expose their genitals!

We live in
a post-genital society, Hayley!

I agree!

I mean, I-I've
never heard that phrase,

but I'm one of you!

No, you're not.

I thought you guys
were my friends!

Get! Get! Get!
I said get!

I'm going, okay?

Hyah!

Steve wait up!

Ohh!

Ugh! Can we talk about
what happened in there?

Yes. Please.
My head is spinning.

I know.
I'm -- I'm in shock.

Am I really
closed-minded?

What? Who cares?!

I'm a girl in a boy's body!

♪ I thought
I was open-minded ♪

♪ acceptance was my creed

♪ but now I finded

♪ I've been a fool, indeed ♪

♪ I thought I was a boy

♪ I forgot that inside
we're identical ♪

♪ even if we have
different genitals ♪

♪ I thought
I was open-minded ♪

♪ acceptance was my creed

♪ but I've been blinded

♪ better watch
my downhill speed ♪

♪ I thought I was a boy

♪ I'm having a crisis

♪ 'bout what's between
my thighses ♪

♪ I have to understand me

♪ so I can know
to sit or stand ♪

♪ when I pee-e-e-e

♪ I'm Devin

♪ who am I
between my legs? ♪

♪ My sack's filled with sperm ♪

♪ but is my heart filled
with eggs? ♪

♪ I never knew
what I didn't know ♪

♪ is that his bulge down there,
or is it camel to-o-o-e? ♪

♪ I thought I was
a bo-o-o-o-o-o-y ♪

♪ I thought I was
open-minde-e-e-e-e-d ♪

♪ and I'm Devi-i-i-i-n

It's beautiful.

The whole house is beautiful.

Everything's perfect.

I love you, Stan.

I love you, too.
How did this happen?

A little help from a friend.

I also mended your fence.

What?!
What have you done?!

It was broken.

Yeah. Steve broke it
with his face when he was three.

It was hilarious.

Seeing that broken board
always brought joy to my heart.

You stole my husband's joy.

Hilarious?

Steve was running
from a rabid dog.

He called for you,
but you were both hammered.

Oh, we got a real
Steve historian over here.

How does he know that?

He must be some kind of pervert.

You're fired, pervert!

Forgive them.
They know not what they do.

Oh, we know what we're gonna do.

We're gonna crucify you
on Angie's list.

♪ I can take it

Steve.

Hayley, I --

Steve,
I-I have to apologize.

After some soul-searching

and a-a pretty painful fall
down a handicap ramp,

I realized that whoever
you really are, I support you.

Is somebody sexually confused?

I was above you.

I was above you the whole time.

Okay, Steve, if you're looking
for gender clarification,

there's a number of things
we can try.

First we raise some cash to
get that dick off you.

Whoa! Comin' in hot!

Look, I'm just saying, let's
raise the money so we have it.

Worst case --
we use it for a big Costco run.

Now, you want to know
if you're a girl on the inside,

so let's see how you feel
being a girl on the outside.

What are you, a size 1?
I hate you.

I-I'm not --
I'm not feeling it.

It's like the dress
is wearing me.

Pair it with some kitten heels.

Well, I can't argue
with the lines this creates.

It's dick-off time!

What?! No!

I-it's just
a nice dress!

Still confused, huh?

The bath is a woman's secret sanctuary,

a time for her to have
a conversation with herself.

Ahh, she time.

You just left me down there!

Now it's your turn, Steve.

You're gonna lie back
in the water,

feel it wash over your body,
and ask yourself,

"Is this the skin
I'm comfortable in?"

Are -- are we, um...
gonna give him some privacy?

I feel like I bought the ticket,
I want to see the show.

I'm so nervous.

Don't know if we're gonna have
a boy or a girl.

Either way, we're gonna love it.

Yeeeeah.

I know what I am!

I'm a boy!

Are you sure?
Positive.

I was lying in the bath,
thinking about stuff,

and then I saw the sexy lady
on this shampoo bottle,

and I realized it felt right
to have this penis.

It felt right five times.

You gonna break it to the team?

Guess I have to.

It's gonna be tough
right before the big game.

Better go take the edge off.

After you, milady.

Gals, I got to say, my time with
you has been amazing.

But I can tell you
I'm not a girl in a boy's body.

I'm a boy in a boy's body.

So...you're not
a lesbian?

Don't judge him!
You should be proud of him!

It's not every day
that someone realizes

that they were the person
they always were,

and that takes courage.

And, you know, maybe
you don't want him on your team,

but I'll always want him
on mine.

Shame!
Shame on all ya houses!

I was just gonna say
that I'm happy for him.

Damn it.

You're so brave, Steve,

and you, too, Hayley,

for standing beside him
through all of this.

Steve, remember --
with us,

you never have to pretend
you're someone you're not.

Now, strap on your skates
and pretend to be a girl.

Really?

What do you say,
Stevie Wonderbra?

Tape it down one last time?

Can I get a little help?

You're gonna get a lot of help.

Aaaaah!!