American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas - full transcript
Stan grows tired of his daily responsibilities and makes a Christmas wish to swap lives with the free-spirited Principal Lewis.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I SENT STEVE AND HAYLEY
TO GO FIND YOU.
IF THEY WERE SMART,
THEY'D START IN SEARS,
'CAUSE THAT'S
WHERE I USED TO BE.
DID YOU GET
YOUR SHOPPING DONE?
[ SIGHS ] YES, FRANCINE.
DADDY DELIVERED AGAIN.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY YEAR.
I DON'T WANT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
TO BECOME A TRADITION.
[ CLICK ]
IS THAT FOR STEVE?
IT'S FOR STEVE AND HAYLEY,
BUT I'LL BE THE ONE USING IT.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU GET PEOPLE
THE PRESENTS THEY WANT,
IT SHOWS
YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THEM.
NOW, DO I HEAR THE CLINK
OF RIEDEL WINE GLASSES
I'VE BEEN DROPPING HINTS
ABOUT?
I DOUBT IT, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.
AND THIS IS MORE
OF A SWEATER-SHAPED BAG.
MAYBE A SWEATER
WITH A SNOWMAN.
LIKE THE ONE
I'M WEARING?
I GOT TO GO
RETURN SOMETHING.
WE'RE ALMOST
AT THE FRONT OF THE LINE,
AND WE NEED THIS PHOTO
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS-PARTY INVITE,
SO HURRY!
FRANCINE, HOW MUCH
DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I'M BUYING GIFTS.
I'M RETURNING GIFTS.
I'M TRYING ON TONS OF JEANS
AT LUCKY'S.
I'VE GOT A MILLION BALLS
IN THE AIR.
¶ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I GOT A FEELIN' THAT
IT'S GONNA BE A WONDERFUL DAY ¶
¶ THE SUN IN THE SKY
HAS A SMILE ON HIS FACE ¶
¶ AND HE'S SHININ' A SALUTE
TO THE AMERICAN RACE ¶
¶ OH, BOY, IT'S SWELL TO SAY ¶
¶ GOOD -- ¶
¶ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ¶
AAH!
¶ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ¶
[ SLURPING ]
YO, SMITH!
WHAT'S UP, MY MAN?
OH, HEY,
PRINCIPAL LEWIS.
JUST DEALING
WITH DUMB FAMILY CRAP.
BUT, GEEZ, YOU LOOK COOL
AS A CUCUMBER.
HELL, YEAH!
JUST DOWN HERE
FOR A LITTLE "P" AND "P."
A LITTLE WHAT?
"P" AND "P."
PEPPERMINT LATTE
AND PEACOCKIN', SEE?
I ADD A LITTLE FLAIR TO LET
THE LADIES KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS.
Woman:
HEY, SOUL SANTA!
WHOA!
YOU'RE SINGLE. NO WONDER
YOU'RE NOT STRESSED-OUT.
BUT ME?
I HAVE TO PLAN THIS WHOLE
CHRISTMAS BASH FOR MY FAMILY.
OH?
WHEN'S THE PARTY?
NO CLUE.
NOT THAT INVOLVED.
BUT YOU SHOULD COME.
I'D LIKE TO FINALLY GET LOOSE.
MAYBE I WILL.
OH, REALLY?
OH, REALLY?
ARE THERE GONNA BE
ANY CHICKS THERE?
MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER.
MM...
OH, YOU GOT TO COME!
DO IT!
DO IT, LEWIS.
DO IT UP, LEWIS.
[ "DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS ]
H-HEY, SANTA, I-I'LL BET
IF YOU CHECKED YOUR "NICE" LIST,
YOU'D FIND A BOY ON THERE
WHO'D LOVE A STARGAZING CAPE.
SON, YOU'RE 14.
YOU CAN'T REALLY
BE NERVOUS I'M SANTA.
I'M NOT EVEN WEARING
THE BEARD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
W-WHO'S NERVOUS, SIR?
SO, IT--
IT'S A REVERSIBLE CAPE
WITH THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE
STARS ON ONE SIDE
AND THE SOUTHERN
ON THE OTHER --
YOU KNOW,
FOR COZY STARGAZING.
HEY, STAN. FRANCINE WANTS YOU
IN THE KITCHEN.
[ GROANS ]
HEY, DAD.
DID MOM FIND YOU?
I'M WEARING
A SANTA COSTUME.
HOW HARD
CAN SHE BE LOOKING?
UGH, HONEY.
THE TREE ISN'T DONE.
GO GET THE ANGEL
FROM ROGER'S ATTIC.
THIS ISN'T
OUR TREE ANGEL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UP THERE?
YOU BETTER NOT BE
GOOFING AROUND!
[ VEHICLE APPROACHING ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
HA HA HA HA!
LEWIS, FINALLY!
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED
WHEN YOU WERE GETTING HERE.
I GOT HERE
WAY TOO EARLY.
JUST MAKING AN APPEARANCE,
MY MAN,
SO YOU CAN SAY YOUR PARTY
WENT OFF!
[ CHUCKLES ]
I'M HEADED TO A BASH
AT THE SORORITIES.
DON'T THEY GO HOME
AT CHRISTMAS?
NOT THE POOR GIRLS,
AND THEY'RE THE ONES WHO DIG
MY PORSCHE THE MOST.
HI, BRIAN!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, GIRL.
YOU WANT TO GET OUT
OF HERE?
I'LL GO!
STAN, ANGEL, TREE!
[ IMITATES WHIPCRACK ]
SHORT LEASH.
ANYHOOTS, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO DO
WHAT I DO BEST.
AND THAT'S WHATEVER I WANT
ALL THE TIME!
[ SMOOCHES ]
WOW. HE JUST TAKES
WHAT HE WANTS, DOESN'T HE?
MUST BE NICE.
NEED A HAND?
NO, ROGER,
I DON'T NEED HELP.
I WASN'T
TALKING TO YOU.
I WAS TALKING TO THESE
TWO LITTLE CHRISTMAS MIRACLES.
[ LEWIS LAUGHS ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
Francine: STAN, WILL YOU DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THE TRASH CANS?
[ SIGHS ] SOMETIMES
I JUST WISH I HAD LEWIS' LIFE.
[ TWINKLE! ]
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
Francine: STAN!
GO CHECK THE FUSE BOX!
KLAUS, JUST BE GLAD
YOU'RE ALONE WITH NO FAMILY.
BUT I HAVE GROWN TO FEEL
THAT I AM PART
OF YOUR FAMILY, STAN.
[ LAUGHS ]
DON'T YOU DARE CRY,
NOT THIS CHRISTMAS.
JUST THIS TIME, NO.
[ SOBBING ]
[ GROANS ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRANCINE.
HONEY,
WHERE'S MY MORNING B.J.?
I HAVE TO GET
MY OWN BREAKFAST JUICE?
SOME CHRISTMAS.
HELLO?
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
HELLO?
STAN, YOU'RE SHOUTING LOUDER
THAN THE DRIVER
WHOSE TAXI I THREW UP IN
LAST NIGHT.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT QUIET,
YOU'LL WAKE HIM UP.
ROGER, SOMETHING WEIRD'S
GOING ON.
LOOK AT
THIS KATHY IRELAND POSTER.
FRANCINE WOULD NEVER GO
FOR THIS.
THAT IS WEIRD.
NEVER SEEN
A KATHY IRELAND POSTER
THAT WASN'T JUST PUT UP
WITH TAPE.
WHAT'S GOING ON
AROUND HERE?
A POOL TABLE?
FOOSBALL?
I SAT BY A GIRL IN A BAR
IN 1977
WHO SAID HER DAD
INVENTED FOOSBALL.
NEVER LOOKED INTO IT,
BUT IT SEEMED LIKE A LIE.
OH, GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
PEOPLE WILL LIE TO YOU
IN A BAR, STAN.
IT'S JUST A SAD FACT.
NO! THE TREE!
LAST NIGHT, WHEN I WAS PUTTING
THE ANGEL ON THE TREE,
I WISHED
I HAD LEWIS' LIFE.
OH, JESUS. THIS IS THE TREE
OF A SINGLE MAN.
FRANCINE!
HAYLEY! STEVE!
I DID THIS.
I WISHED FOR THIS.
WELL, IT COULDN'T HAVE
COME TRUE, RIGHT?
DO WISHES COME TRUE?
THAT'S LEWIS' PIMP RIDE.
WHOA.
MY FAMILY'S ALL GONE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!
¶ OH-OH, OH-OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ¶
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH ¶
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
WAIT, WAIT.
THIS IS ALL WRONG.
IT IS?
I SHOULD BE PEACOCKIN',
BABY!
WE BOTH SHOULD,
BITCH!
LET'S GO TO WORK.
WAIT. IF I WISHED FOR THIS,
THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?
MAYBE 'CAUSE I WAS TOUCHING
YOUR BUTT WHEN YOU WISHED.
BUTT WISH?
SOUNDS LIKE A THING.
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY ¶
UNSEASONABLY WARM CHRISTMAS
WE'RE HAVING.
RACE YOU
TO THE BEACH!
[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]
¶ GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY ¶
¶ IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ¶
[ CRASH! ]
BEST WISH EVER!
¶ IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
I TELL YOU, ROGER,
BEING SINGLE FOR A DAY...
IT'S BEEN
SUCH A VACATION.
NO DOUBT.
PARADISE, BABY.
WELL,
WE GOT TO MAKE SURE
WE MILK THIS COW
TILL IT'S DEAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S GO TALK TO LEWIS,
MAKE SURE WE'RE DOING
ALL THE SINGLE STUFF.
DIGGIN' IT. HE'LL SHOW US
HOW TO BLOW IT OUT.
[ CAR DOORS CLOSE ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
SIR, SIR! THE NOZZLE'S
STILL IN THE TANK!
IT'S OKAY!
WE'RE SINGLE!
YOU GUYS
ARE AWESOME!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
UH, STAN.
I-IS THAT YOU?
CHECK OUT THIS GUY.
HE'S ALL, "UH, STAN.
IS THAT YOU?"
I-IT WAS JUST
YOUR PIRATE COSTUME THREW ME.
I'M PEACOCKIN',
DAWG!
SO, ME AND MY GOOD FRIEND,
UH...
LAZLO MORPHINE.
ME AND LAZLO WERE
BUZZING AROUND,
HAVING SINGLE-GUY FUN,
AND WE NEED SOME POINTERS
FROM THE KING OF SINGLE PLAYERS
IN THIS TOWN.
[ CHUCKLES ] OH, STAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M NOT SINGLE.
OH!
OH, RIGHT. I GET IT.
YOU GOT A GIRL
IN THERE.
DON'T WANT TO LET ON
YOU'RE A PLAYER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY, UM...MAYBE WE CAN TALK
AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WE GOT TO GET A PEEP
AT HIS BABE.
LEWIS IS
ALWAYS KILLING IT.
FRANCINE?
WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON?!
OH, I THINK
IT'S PRETTY CLEAR, STAN.
PRINCIPAL LEWIS AND FRANCINE
HAVE BEEN DOING IT.
ARE YOU PICTURING IT?
I'M PICTURING IT.
WHOA.
YOU SHOULD PICTURE IT.
WHOA.
LEWIS HAS MY FAMILY.
WELL, YOU DID WISH FOR HIS LIFE.
MAYBE HE GOT YOURS.
WELL,
I DIDN'T WISH FOR THAT.
I WANTED MY FAMILY TO BE,
LIKE, SUSPENDED IN A VOID
OR -- OR LIKE
A STATIC NOTHINGNESS
OR WHATEVER HAPPENS
WHEN I LEAVE THE ROOM.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST WISH FOR THEM BACK.
I WISH MY FAMILY BACK.
AND...WISH ACTIVATE.
YOU KNOW,
IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT EASY.
THIS MIGHT BE
ONE OF THOSE DEALIOS
WHERE YOU GOT TO LEARN
A LESSON
BEFORE THINGS
GO BACK TO NORMAL.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
LIKE IN THE MOVIES.
YOU'VE SEEN
"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE," RIGHT?
NOPE.
HOW ABOUT "BIG"?
UNH-UNH.
YOU SAW, "TED."
NO.
REALLY?
LOOK,
SOMETIMES IN A MOVIE,
A PERSON THINKS
THEY WANT SOMETHING, BUT THEN --
OOH! LIKE IN THE
"CARE BEARS: BIG WISH MOVIE."
OKAY.
I LEARNED MY DAMN LESSON.
LEWIS HAS MY SHIT,
AND I WANT IT BACK.
NOT SURE YOU HAVE.
YOU'RE CALLING YOUR FAMILY
"SHIT."
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
GUYS,
I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY.
BUT RIGHT NOW,
WE'RE IN A CARE BEAR MOVIE.
IS THAT WHY YOU'RE DRESSED
AS A PIRATE, PRINCIPAL SMITH?
HE'S YOUR PRINCIPAL.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT, LEWIS.
YOU MADE BEING SINGLE
LOOK SO LOVELY!
I SWEAR I'M YOUR DAD.
REMEMBER LAST YEAR
AT CHRISTMAS
I GOT YOU BOTH
THREE-HOLE PUNCHES
S-SO YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE TO FIGHT OVER ONE?
NO, LAST YEAR ON CHRISTMAS,
WE PRETENDED WE DIDN'T SEE
YOU WALK INTO THE SIZZLER
BY YOURSELF.
THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
LOOK, STAN, YOU, UH,
SEEM TO BE A LITTLE AGITATED,
BUT I DON'T WANT THIS
TO GET OUT OF CONTROL
BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW,
I'M A C.I.A. AGENT.
YOU'RE IN THE C.I.A.?!
THAT'S MY LIFE! WAIT!
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE A GUN
RIGHT HERE.
OH, GOD!
THERE IT IS.
EVERYBODY JUST CHILL OUT.
[ GUN COCKS ]
YOU'RE MY FAMILY -- MINE! --
AND YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
SOME PEOPLE SAY PORSCHE.
SOME PEOPLE
SAY PORSH-UH.
I DON'T CHOOSE SIDES.
I LET THE CAR DO THE TALKING.
I SAY PORSH-UH.
IT'S LONGER.
BETTER CHANCE SOMEONE WILL
OVERHEAR ME TALKING ABOUT IT.
PORSH-UHHHH.
¶ SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING ¶
¶ SIX GEESE A-LAYING ¶
[ GUN COCKS ]
¶ FIVE GOLDEN RINGS ¶
I CAN'T DO THIS!
BUT YOU SOUND BEAUTIFUL!
THEY SOUND TERRIFIED.
[ SIRENS WAILING ]
OH, THE C.I.A.'s HERE.
THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
PRINCIPAL SMITH,
YOU CUCKOO BIRD,
I KNOW CHRISTMAS IS A TIME
FOR FAMILY,
BUT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
YOUR OWN FAMILY!
OF WHICH YOU HAVE NONE.
YOU ARE ALONE IN THIS WORLD
AND, UNDOUBTEDLY,
WILL BE ALONE IN THE NEXT.
SO LET THAT FAMILY GO!
BUT I'M NOT ALONE...BECAUSE
I HAVE YOU, FRANCINE.
PLEASE REMEMBER.
OKAY, THIS SHOULD MEAN
SOMETHING.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANTED
FOR CHRISTMAS,
SO ON THREE,
LET'S SAY IT TOGETHER.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
WINE GLASSES.
SNOWMAN...SWEATER?
DAMN IT.
Bullock: ALL RIGHT, SMITH.
WE'RE COMING IN FIRING,
BUT THIS CHRISTMAS MASSACRE
IS ON YOUR HEAD!
WAIT.
A SNOWMAN SWEATER?
I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT THAT DOES SOUND FAMILIAR.
IT -- IT DOES?
FRANCINE, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
BUT, HONEY, THE C.I.A.
WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU.
OUR ONLY HOPE IS
IF I CAN CONVINCE THEM.
YES. GO, GO.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
KIDS, COME HELP ME EXPLAIN.
YES, YES. GOOD IDEA.
THAT WAY IT'S NOT JUST HER WORD
AGAINST LEWIS'.
[ GASPS ]
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
HE'S COMPLETELY LOST IT.
THAT POOR, POOR MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
TAKE HIM DOWN!
I DON'T WANT TO ARMCHAIR Q.B.
THIS WHOLE THING,
BUT, UM, NEVER RELEASE
ALL YOUR HOSTAGES,
'CAUSE NOW
WHAT'S STOPPING THEM FROM --
THERE IT IS. YEAH.
I'M GONNA GO HIDE IN THE ATTIC.
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
LET ME KNOW HOW YOU DO!
[ CHUCKLES ] HE SHOULD BE
UNCONSCIOUS BY NOW.
[ SNIFFLES ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!
[ SIREN WAILS ]
SMITH,
STOP OR WE'LL SHOOT!
IF I CAN'T BE WITH MY FAMILY,
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE!
[ GROANING ]
[ SCREAMS ]
SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF WHAT WE DO MAKES
ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL.
[ WIND BLOWING ]
[ ALL WHISTLING
"JOY TO THE WORLD" ]
Angel: [ CHUCKLES ]
THAT WAS BRUTAL.
BUT YOU LEARNED
YOUR LESSON.
YOU MEAN...
YES. YOU LEARNED
THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY.
SO, I-I GET
MY FAMILY BACK?
[ CHUCKLES ]
YES, DEAR STAN.
[ BLOWS ]
[ TWINKLE! ]
HERE YOU ARE, STAN.
AND...MY FAMILY'S
IN THERE?
NO ONE IS MORE IN THERE
THAN YOUR FAMILY, STAN.
HEY, POPS!
HI, DADDY!
JUST IN TIME
FOR DINNER.
This isn't my family.
Oh, but it is.
It's your real family.
HEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS,
POPS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DADDY.
[ SMOOCHES ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SCHMOOPSIE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, POP?
LET'S OPEN PRESENTS!
OH, DADDY!
CAN WE, PLEASE?!
YES,
SON AND SISTER OF SON.
IT'S NOT WEIRD
THAT I'M YOUR FATHER.
WITH THAT IN MIND,
I'M GONNA GO IN THE KITCHEN.
Angel? Angel!
KLAUS?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
EVERYTHING'S SO DIFFERENT.
[ BUBBLES ]
MY GOD.
THE FISH DOESN'T TALK.
WHAT KIND OF TWILIGHT ZONE
AM I LIVING IN?
[ BUBBLES ]
THIS IS CRAZY!
[ BUBBLES ]
[ TWINKLE! ]
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT DO YOU NEED, STAN?
AND BEAR IN MIND,
THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS, TOO.
WHERE'S
MY REAL FAMILY?!
THIS IS
YOUR REAL FAMILY.
BUT YOU DIDN'T
APPRECIATE THEM,
SO WE TOOK THEM AWAY
AND GAVE YOU A TERRIBLE FAMILY
TO TEACH YOU A LESSON.
WAIT. FRANCINE, STEVE,
AND HAYLEY...
AREN'T MY REAL FAMILY?
NO. THEY'RE
YOUR CAUTIONARY FAMILY.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
TEMPORARY,
BUT...WELL, AH,
YOU FELL THROUGH THE CRACKS
WHEN THE ANGEL
HANDLING YOUR CASE DIED.
ANGELS CAN DIE?
WHERE DO THEY GO?
THEY GO TO SUPER HEAVEN.
WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU BELIEVE
THAT SORT OF STUFF.
NOT EVERYBODY DOES.
BUT I LOVE
MY TERRIBLE FAMILY.
THEN WHY DID YOU WISH
TO BE SINGLE?
BUT --
BUT I WANT TO GO BACK.
I WISH TO GO BACK.
NO, YOU ONLY GET
ONE CHRISTMAS WISH.
NOW GO JOIN YOUR FAMILY,
STAN.
IT'S THE ONLY ONE
THAT'S REAL.
[ BLOWS ]
[ BUBBLES ]
Mary: HONEY, THE KIDS
ARE OPENING YOUR GIFTS.
UH...WHAT'S THIS?
CAVEMAN SHOES?
I BOUGHT THIS FAMILY
THE WRONG GIFTS, TOO?
I'M A CRUMMY FATHER
IN EVERY REALITY.
THE CHINESE GROCERY
WAS OPEN.
WE CAN STILL MAKE
PEANUT BRITTLE!
ROGER,
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.
EVERYTHING'S SO DIFFERENT,
BUT NOT YOU, ROGER.
YOU'RE THE SAME.
I'M GERALD, YOUR TENANT.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME
ROGER?
'CAUSE YOU'RE --
OH, MY GOD.
YOU DIDN'T COME WITH ME
THIS TIME.
NO,
I'VE BEEN AT THE MALL
GIVING EYE EXAMS,
LIKE I DO SIX DAYS A WEEK.
THANK GOD THE MALL'S CLOSED
ON TUESDAYS.
TUESDAY IS MY SUNDAY.
YOU WEREN'T GRABBING MY ASS
WHEN I WENT OFF THE BRIDGE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHY WOULD I GRAB IT?
I-I WOULDN'T EVEN BRUSH UP
AGAINST THAT...PERFECT A-APPLE.
YEAH, YOU WOULD.
I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE.
I ALSO KNOW
YOU'RE AN ALIEN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THIS STUFF?
BECAUSE I'M FROM AN ALTERNATE
REALITY WHERE WE'RE FRIENDS.
AM I BORING MALL OPTOMETRIST
THERE, TOO?
NO. YOU'RE THOUSANDS OF THINGS.
YOU'RE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE.
IN THIS ALTERNATE REALITY,
DO I EVER...
DRESS AS A WOMAN?
UH, YEAH!
THAT IS, WHEN YOU'RE NOT
WALKING AROUND NAKED.
OH, MY GOD!
THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!
WE HAVE TO GO THERE.
YES!
JUST THIS MORNING
WE WERE ZOOMING AROUND
IN A WHITE PORSCHE, AND YOU WERE
WEARING A PURPLE JUMPSUIT.
STOP DIGGING!
YOU STRUCK OIL!
WHY AREN'T WE GOING
ALREADY?
BECAUSE I USED
MY ONLY CHRISTMAS WISH.
WELL, DO I GET ONE?
PUT THIS BACK ON THE TREE
AND MAKE YOUR WISH.
WAIT, WAIT.
ALL RIGHT.
MAKE YOUR WISH.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
IT ALREADY CAME TRUE.
JUST DO IT.
[ TWINKLE! ]
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
IT DIDN'T WORK.
YEAH, IT DID!
I GOT MY PORSCHE!
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
YOU FOOL!
WHAT?
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
OH,
WE'RE OUT OF WISHES.
MARY,
YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!
DON'T YOU SOMETIMES WISH
THAT WE WERE NEVER MARRIED?
HONEY,
WHAT'S COME OVER YOU?
I-I-I THINK YOU'RE FAT
AND..UGLY...
AND YOU HAVE BAD HAIR.
BUT THOSE THINGS
AREN'T TRUE.
[ Sobbing ] I KNOW!
YOU'RE PERFECT!
YOU GOT TO THINK
OF SOMETHING.
THESE PEOPLE
SUCK BALLS.
[ CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
I RUINED THE HOUSE.
NOW DON'T YOU WISH
WE WERE NEVER MARRIED?
NO!
I'M JUST GLAD
YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU MONSTER!
IS THIS FOR ME?
SILLY,
THAT'S FOR RUTH.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME
HERE!
OH, FRANCINE,
THESE ARE LIKE THE WINE GLASSES
YOU NEVER GOT.
WHAT'S THAT, STAN?
OH, NOTHING.
JUST -- THIS WINE GLASS
HAS A SPOT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
UH, THERE'S -- THERE'S NO SPOT
ON THAT WINE GLASS.
WHAT?
Don't criticize
her housekeeping.
It's her one thing.
IT IS?
YEAH. MARY,
THIS GLASS IS FILTHY.
[ GLASS CLINKS ]
DUDE, I JUST TOLD YOU --
SHUT UP, DICKHEAD.
I WORKED TOO HARD
FOR YOU TO SAY --
THIS WHOLE TABLE SETTING
LOOKS KIND OF SHABBY.
AND THESE AREN'T EVEN
CHRISTMAS NAPKINS.
[ GASPS ]
Mary:
HOW DARE YOU, STANLEY?!
HONESTLY,
WITH YOUR TASTE,
THE HOLE I PUT IN THE WALL
IS AN IMPROVEMENT.
AND YOU CALL THIS
A TREE ANGEL?
IT LOOKS LIKE THE CREEPY GIRL
FROM "THE RING."
[ SHIVERS ]
MY GREAT-GRANDMA LINDQVIST DIED
WITH THIS IN HER ARMS.
WELL,
IT LOOKS...LIKE...CRAP.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT,
STAN.
SOMETIMES I DO WISH
WE WERE NEVER MARRIED.
GREAT.
NOW PUT IT ON THE TREE.
[ TWINKLE! ]
PLEASE WORK.
PLEASE, PLEASE.
[ GASPS ]
Francine: OH, HONEY.
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SLEEPING IN.
NO. I NEVER
WANT TO SLEEP IN.
I WANT TO BE PART
OF EVERYTHING!
[ GASPS ] COZY!
THANKS, DAD.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
[ GASPS ]
I NEEDED NEW BIRKS!
I KNOW.
I CAN SMELL.
YOU GOT
THE WINE GLASSES.
JUST THE ONE.
[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT? WHY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE
MY ONE AND ONLY, BABY.
OH! GROUP HUG!
AAH!
WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET?
OH. FAMILY HUG.
Stan: GET IN HERE, FISH.
MWAH!
MOM, DAD!
I LEARNED MY LESSON.
I'LL NEVER TAKE YOU
FOR GRANTED AGAIN!
SNOT, FOR THE LAST TIME,
YOU'RE NOT OUR SON.
[ SIGHS ]
IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
¶ OH, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
FOR THE HOLIDAYS ¶
BYE! HAVE A BEAUTIFUL TIME!
I SENT STEVE AND HAYLEY
TO GO FIND YOU.
IF THEY WERE SMART,
THEY'D START IN SEARS,
'CAUSE THAT'S
WHERE I USED TO BE.
DID YOU GET
YOUR SHOPPING DONE?
[ SIGHS ] YES, FRANCINE.
DADDY DELIVERED AGAIN.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY YEAR.
I DON'T WANT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
TO BECOME A TRADITION.
[ CLICK ]
IS THAT FOR STEVE?
IT'S FOR STEVE AND HAYLEY,
BUT I'LL BE THE ONE USING IT.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU GET PEOPLE
THE PRESENTS THEY WANT,
IT SHOWS
YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THEM.
NOW, DO I HEAR THE CLINK
OF RIEDEL WINE GLASSES
I'VE BEEN DROPPING HINTS
ABOUT?
I DOUBT IT, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.
AND THIS IS MORE
OF A SWEATER-SHAPED BAG.
MAYBE A SWEATER
WITH A SNOWMAN.
LIKE THE ONE
I'M WEARING?
I GOT TO GO
RETURN SOMETHING.
WE'RE ALMOST
AT THE FRONT OF THE LINE,
AND WE NEED THIS PHOTO
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS-PARTY INVITE,
SO HURRY!
FRANCINE, HOW MUCH
DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I'M BUYING GIFTS.
I'M RETURNING GIFTS.
I'M TRYING ON TONS OF JEANS
AT LUCKY'S.
I'VE GOT A MILLION BALLS
IN THE AIR.
¶ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I GOT A FEELIN' THAT
IT'S GONNA BE A WONDERFUL DAY ¶
¶ THE SUN IN THE SKY
HAS A SMILE ON HIS FACE ¶
¶ AND HE'S SHININ' A SALUTE
TO THE AMERICAN RACE ¶
¶ OH, BOY, IT'S SWELL TO SAY ¶
¶ GOOD -- ¶
¶ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ¶
AAH!
¶ GOOD MORNING, U.S.A. ¶
[ SLURPING ]
YO, SMITH!
WHAT'S UP, MY MAN?
OH, HEY,
PRINCIPAL LEWIS.
JUST DEALING
WITH DUMB FAMILY CRAP.
BUT, GEEZ, YOU LOOK COOL
AS A CUCUMBER.
HELL, YEAH!
JUST DOWN HERE
FOR A LITTLE "P" AND "P."
A LITTLE WHAT?
"P" AND "P."
PEPPERMINT LATTE
AND PEACOCKIN', SEE?
I ADD A LITTLE FLAIR TO LET
THE LADIES KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS.
Woman:
HEY, SOUL SANTA!
WHOA!
YOU'RE SINGLE. NO WONDER
YOU'RE NOT STRESSED-OUT.
BUT ME?
I HAVE TO PLAN THIS WHOLE
CHRISTMAS BASH FOR MY FAMILY.
OH?
WHEN'S THE PARTY?
NO CLUE.
NOT THAT INVOLVED.
BUT YOU SHOULD COME.
I'D LIKE TO FINALLY GET LOOSE.
MAYBE I WILL.
OH, REALLY?
OH, REALLY?
ARE THERE GONNA BE
ANY CHICKS THERE?
MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER.
MM...
OH, YOU GOT TO COME!
DO IT!
DO IT, LEWIS.
DO IT UP, LEWIS.
[ "DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS ]
H-HEY, SANTA, I-I'LL BET
IF YOU CHECKED YOUR "NICE" LIST,
YOU'D FIND A BOY ON THERE
WHO'D LOVE A STARGAZING CAPE.
SON, YOU'RE 14.
YOU CAN'T REALLY
BE NERVOUS I'M SANTA.
I'M NOT EVEN WEARING
THE BEARD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
W-WHO'S NERVOUS, SIR?
SO, IT--
IT'S A REVERSIBLE CAPE
WITH THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE
STARS ON ONE SIDE
AND THE SOUTHERN
ON THE OTHER --
YOU KNOW,
FOR COZY STARGAZING.
HEY, STAN. FRANCINE WANTS YOU
IN THE KITCHEN.
[ GROANS ]
HEY, DAD.
DID MOM FIND YOU?
I'M WEARING
A SANTA COSTUME.
HOW HARD
CAN SHE BE LOOKING?
UGH, HONEY.
THE TREE ISN'T DONE.
GO GET THE ANGEL
FROM ROGER'S ATTIC.
THIS ISN'T
OUR TREE ANGEL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UP THERE?
YOU BETTER NOT BE
GOOFING AROUND!
[ VEHICLE APPROACHING ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
HA HA HA HA!
LEWIS, FINALLY!
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED
WHEN YOU WERE GETTING HERE.
I GOT HERE
WAY TOO EARLY.
JUST MAKING AN APPEARANCE,
MY MAN,
SO YOU CAN SAY YOUR PARTY
WENT OFF!
[ CHUCKLES ]
I'M HEADED TO A BASH
AT THE SORORITIES.
DON'T THEY GO HOME
AT CHRISTMAS?
NOT THE POOR GIRLS,
AND THEY'RE THE ONES WHO DIG
MY PORSCHE THE MOST.
HI, BRIAN!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, GIRL.
YOU WANT TO GET OUT
OF HERE?
I'LL GO!
STAN, ANGEL, TREE!
[ IMITATES WHIPCRACK ]
SHORT LEASH.
ANYHOOTS, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO DO
WHAT I DO BEST.
AND THAT'S WHATEVER I WANT
ALL THE TIME!
[ SMOOCHES ]
WOW. HE JUST TAKES
WHAT HE WANTS, DOESN'T HE?
MUST BE NICE.
NEED A HAND?
NO, ROGER,
I DON'T NEED HELP.
I WASN'T
TALKING TO YOU.
I WAS TALKING TO THESE
TWO LITTLE CHRISTMAS MIRACLES.
[ LEWIS LAUGHS ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
Francine: STAN, WILL YOU DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THE TRASH CANS?
[ SIGHS ] SOMETIMES
I JUST WISH I HAD LEWIS' LIFE.
[ TWINKLE! ]
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
Francine: STAN!
GO CHECK THE FUSE BOX!
KLAUS, JUST BE GLAD
YOU'RE ALONE WITH NO FAMILY.
BUT I HAVE GROWN TO FEEL
THAT I AM PART
OF YOUR FAMILY, STAN.
[ LAUGHS ]
DON'T YOU DARE CRY,
NOT THIS CHRISTMAS.
JUST THIS TIME, NO.
[ SOBBING ]
[ GROANS ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRANCINE.
HONEY,
WHERE'S MY MORNING B.J.?
I HAVE TO GET
MY OWN BREAKFAST JUICE?
SOME CHRISTMAS.
HELLO?
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
HELLO?
STAN, YOU'RE SHOUTING LOUDER
THAN THE DRIVER
WHOSE TAXI I THREW UP IN
LAST NIGHT.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT QUIET,
YOU'LL WAKE HIM UP.
ROGER, SOMETHING WEIRD'S
GOING ON.
LOOK AT
THIS KATHY IRELAND POSTER.
FRANCINE WOULD NEVER GO
FOR THIS.
THAT IS WEIRD.
NEVER SEEN
A KATHY IRELAND POSTER
THAT WASN'T JUST PUT UP
WITH TAPE.
WHAT'S GOING ON
AROUND HERE?
A POOL TABLE?
FOOSBALL?
I SAT BY A GIRL IN A BAR
IN 1977
WHO SAID HER DAD
INVENTED FOOSBALL.
NEVER LOOKED INTO IT,
BUT IT SEEMED LIKE A LIE.
OH, GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
PEOPLE WILL LIE TO YOU
IN A BAR, STAN.
IT'S JUST A SAD FACT.
NO! THE TREE!
LAST NIGHT, WHEN I WAS PUTTING
THE ANGEL ON THE TREE,
I WISHED
I HAD LEWIS' LIFE.
OH, JESUS. THIS IS THE TREE
OF A SINGLE MAN.
FRANCINE!
HAYLEY! STEVE!
I DID THIS.
I WISHED FOR THIS.
WELL, IT COULDN'T HAVE
COME TRUE, RIGHT?
DO WISHES COME TRUE?
THAT'S LEWIS' PIMP RIDE.
WHOA.
MY FAMILY'S ALL GONE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!
¶ OH-OH, OH-OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ¶
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH ¶
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
WAIT, WAIT.
THIS IS ALL WRONG.
IT IS?
I SHOULD BE PEACOCKIN',
BABY!
WE BOTH SHOULD,
BITCH!
LET'S GO TO WORK.
WAIT. IF I WISHED FOR THIS,
THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?
MAYBE 'CAUSE I WAS TOUCHING
YOUR BUTT WHEN YOU WISHED.
BUTT WISH?
SOUNDS LIKE A THING.
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY ¶
UNSEASONABLY WARM CHRISTMAS
WE'RE HAVING.
RACE YOU
TO THE BEACH!
[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]
¶ GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY ¶
¶ IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ¶
[ CRASH! ]
BEST WISH EVER!
¶ IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME ¶
I TELL YOU, ROGER,
BEING SINGLE FOR A DAY...
IT'S BEEN
SUCH A VACATION.
NO DOUBT.
PARADISE, BABY.
WELL,
WE GOT TO MAKE SURE
WE MILK THIS COW
TILL IT'S DEAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S GO TALK TO LEWIS,
MAKE SURE WE'RE DOING
ALL THE SINGLE STUFF.
DIGGIN' IT. HE'LL SHOW US
HOW TO BLOW IT OUT.
[ CAR DOORS CLOSE ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
SIR, SIR! THE NOZZLE'S
STILL IN THE TANK!
IT'S OKAY!
WE'RE SINGLE!
YOU GUYS
ARE AWESOME!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
UH, STAN.
I-IS THAT YOU?
CHECK OUT THIS GUY.
HE'S ALL, "UH, STAN.
IS THAT YOU?"
I-IT WAS JUST
YOUR PIRATE COSTUME THREW ME.
I'M PEACOCKIN',
DAWG!
SO, ME AND MY GOOD FRIEND,
UH...
LAZLO MORPHINE.
ME AND LAZLO WERE
BUZZING AROUND,
HAVING SINGLE-GUY FUN,
AND WE NEED SOME POINTERS
FROM THE KING OF SINGLE PLAYERS
IN THIS TOWN.
[ CHUCKLES ] OH, STAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M NOT SINGLE.
OH!
OH, RIGHT. I GET IT.
YOU GOT A GIRL
IN THERE.
DON'T WANT TO LET ON
YOU'RE A PLAYER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY, UM...MAYBE WE CAN TALK
AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WE GOT TO GET A PEEP
AT HIS BABE.
LEWIS IS
ALWAYS KILLING IT.
FRANCINE?
WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON?!
OH, I THINK
IT'S PRETTY CLEAR, STAN.
PRINCIPAL LEWIS AND FRANCINE
HAVE BEEN DOING IT.
ARE YOU PICTURING IT?
I'M PICTURING IT.
WHOA.
YOU SHOULD PICTURE IT.
WHOA.
LEWIS HAS MY FAMILY.
WELL, YOU DID WISH FOR HIS LIFE.
MAYBE HE GOT YOURS.
WELL,
I DIDN'T WISH FOR THAT.
I WANTED MY FAMILY TO BE,
LIKE, SUSPENDED IN A VOID
OR -- OR LIKE
A STATIC NOTHINGNESS
OR WHATEVER HAPPENS
WHEN I LEAVE THE ROOM.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST WISH FOR THEM BACK.
I WISH MY FAMILY BACK.
AND...WISH ACTIVATE.
YOU KNOW,
IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT EASY.
THIS MIGHT BE
ONE OF THOSE DEALIOS
WHERE YOU GOT TO LEARN
A LESSON
BEFORE THINGS
GO BACK TO NORMAL.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
LIKE IN THE MOVIES.
YOU'VE SEEN
"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE," RIGHT?
NOPE.
HOW ABOUT "BIG"?
UNH-UNH.
YOU SAW, "TED."
NO.
REALLY?
LOOK,
SOMETIMES IN A MOVIE,
A PERSON THINKS
THEY WANT SOMETHING, BUT THEN --
OOH! LIKE IN THE
"CARE BEARS: BIG WISH MOVIE."
OKAY.
I LEARNED MY DAMN LESSON.
LEWIS HAS MY SHIT,
AND I WANT IT BACK.
NOT SURE YOU HAVE.
YOU'RE CALLING YOUR FAMILY
"SHIT."
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
GUYS,
I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY.
BUT RIGHT NOW,
WE'RE IN A CARE BEAR MOVIE.
IS THAT WHY YOU'RE DRESSED
AS A PIRATE, PRINCIPAL SMITH?
HE'S YOUR PRINCIPAL.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT, LEWIS.
YOU MADE BEING SINGLE
LOOK SO LOVELY!
I SWEAR I'M YOUR DAD.
REMEMBER LAST YEAR
AT CHRISTMAS
I GOT YOU BOTH
THREE-HOLE PUNCHES
S-SO YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE TO FIGHT OVER ONE?
NO, LAST YEAR ON CHRISTMAS,
WE PRETENDED WE DIDN'T SEE
YOU WALK INTO THE SIZZLER
BY YOURSELF.
THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
LOOK, STAN, YOU, UH,
SEEM TO BE A LITTLE AGITATED,
BUT I DON'T WANT THIS
TO GET OUT OF CONTROL
BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW,
I'M A C.I.A. AGENT.
YOU'RE IN THE C.I.A.?!
THAT'S MY LIFE! WAIT!
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE A GUN
RIGHT HERE.
OH, GOD!
THERE IT IS.
EVERYBODY JUST CHILL OUT.
[ GUN COCKS ]
YOU'RE MY FAMILY -- MINE! --
AND YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
SOME PEOPLE SAY PORSCHE.
SOME PEOPLE
SAY PORSH-UH.
I DON'T CHOOSE SIDES.
I LET THE CAR DO THE TALKING.
I SAY PORSH-UH.
IT'S LONGER.
BETTER CHANCE SOMEONE WILL
OVERHEAR ME TALKING ABOUT IT.
PORSH-UHHHH.
¶ SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING ¶
¶ SIX GEESE A-LAYING ¶
[ GUN COCKS ]
¶ FIVE GOLDEN RINGS ¶
I CAN'T DO THIS!
BUT YOU SOUND BEAUTIFUL!
THEY SOUND TERRIFIED.
[ SIRENS WAILING ]
OH, THE C.I.A.'s HERE.
THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
PRINCIPAL SMITH,
YOU CUCKOO BIRD,
I KNOW CHRISTMAS IS A TIME
FOR FAMILY,
BUT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
YOUR OWN FAMILY!
OF WHICH YOU HAVE NONE.
YOU ARE ALONE IN THIS WORLD
AND, UNDOUBTEDLY,
WILL BE ALONE IN THE NEXT.
SO LET THAT FAMILY GO!
BUT I'M NOT ALONE...BECAUSE
I HAVE YOU, FRANCINE.
PLEASE REMEMBER.
OKAY, THIS SHOULD MEAN
SOMETHING.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANTED
FOR CHRISTMAS,
SO ON THREE,
LET'S SAY IT TOGETHER.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
WINE GLASSES.
SNOWMAN...SWEATER?
DAMN IT.
Bullock: ALL RIGHT, SMITH.
WE'RE COMING IN FIRING,
BUT THIS CHRISTMAS MASSACRE
IS ON YOUR HEAD!
WAIT.
A SNOWMAN SWEATER?
I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT THAT DOES SOUND FAMILIAR.
IT -- IT DOES?
FRANCINE, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
BUT, HONEY, THE C.I.A.
WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU.
OUR ONLY HOPE IS
IF I CAN CONVINCE THEM.
YES. GO, GO.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
KIDS, COME HELP ME EXPLAIN.
YES, YES. GOOD IDEA.
THAT WAY IT'S NOT JUST HER WORD
AGAINST LEWIS'.
[ GASPS ]
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
HE'S COMPLETELY LOST IT.
THAT POOR, POOR MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
TAKE HIM DOWN!
I DON'T WANT TO ARMCHAIR Q.B.
THIS WHOLE THING,
BUT, UM, NEVER RELEASE
ALL YOUR HOSTAGES,
'CAUSE NOW
WHAT'S STOPPING THEM FROM --
THERE IT IS. YEAH.
I'M GONNA GO HIDE IN THE ATTIC.
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
LET ME KNOW HOW YOU DO!
[ CHUCKLES ] HE SHOULD BE
UNCONSCIOUS BY NOW.
[ SNIFFLES ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!
[ SIREN WAILS ]
SMITH,
STOP OR WE'LL SHOOT!
IF I CAN'T BE WITH MY FAMILY,
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE!
[ GROANING ]
[ SCREAMS ]
SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF WHAT WE DO MAKES
ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL.
[ WIND BLOWING ]
[ ALL WHISTLING
"JOY TO THE WORLD" ]
Angel: [ CHUCKLES ]
THAT WAS BRUTAL.
BUT YOU LEARNED
YOUR LESSON.
YOU MEAN...
YES. YOU LEARNED
THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY.
SO, I-I GET
MY FAMILY BACK?
[ CHUCKLES ]
YES, DEAR STAN.
[ BLOWS ]
[ TWINKLE! ]
HERE YOU ARE, STAN.
AND...MY FAMILY'S
IN THERE?
NO ONE IS MORE IN THERE
THAN YOUR FAMILY, STAN.
HEY, POPS!
HI, DADDY!
JUST IN TIME
FOR DINNER.
This isn't my family.
Oh, but it is.
It's your real family.
HEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS,
POPS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DADDY.
[ SMOOCHES ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SCHMOOPSIE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, POP?
LET'S OPEN PRESENTS!
OH, DADDY!
CAN WE, PLEASE?!
YES,
SON AND SISTER OF SON.
IT'S NOT WEIRD
THAT I'M YOUR FATHER.
WITH THAT IN MIND,
I'M GONNA GO IN THE KITCHEN.
Angel? Angel!
KLAUS?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
EVERYTHING'S SO DIFFERENT.
[ BUBBLES ]
MY GOD.
THE FISH DOESN'T TALK.
WHAT KIND OF TWILIGHT ZONE
AM I LIVING IN?
[ BUBBLES ]
THIS IS CRAZY!
[ BUBBLES ]
[ TWINKLE! ]
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT DO YOU NEED, STAN?
AND BEAR IN MIND,
THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS, TOO.
WHERE'S
MY REAL FAMILY?!
THIS IS
YOUR REAL FAMILY.
BUT YOU DIDN'T
APPRECIATE THEM,
SO WE TOOK THEM AWAY
AND GAVE YOU A TERRIBLE FAMILY
TO TEACH YOU A LESSON.
WAIT. FRANCINE, STEVE,
AND HAYLEY...
AREN'T MY REAL FAMILY?
NO. THEY'RE
YOUR CAUTIONARY FAMILY.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
TEMPORARY,
BUT...WELL, AH,
YOU FELL THROUGH THE CRACKS
WHEN THE ANGEL
HANDLING YOUR CASE DIED.
ANGELS CAN DIE?
WHERE DO THEY GO?
THEY GO TO SUPER HEAVEN.
WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU BELIEVE
THAT SORT OF STUFF.
NOT EVERYBODY DOES.
BUT I LOVE
MY TERRIBLE FAMILY.
THEN WHY DID YOU WISH
TO BE SINGLE?
BUT --
BUT I WANT TO GO BACK.
I WISH TO GO BACK.
NO, YOU ONLY GET
ONE CHRISTMAS WISH.
NOW GO JOIN YOUR FAMILY,
STAN.
IT'S THE ONLY ONE
THAT'S REAL.
[ BLOWS ]
[ BUBBLES ]
Mary: HONEY, THE KIDS
ARE OPENING YOUR GIFTS.
UH...WHAT'S THIS?
CAVEMAN SHOES?
I BOUGHT THIS FAMILY
THE WRONG GIFTS, TOO?
I'M A CRUMMY FATHER
IN EVERY REALITY.
THE CHINESE GROCERY
WAS OPEN.
WE CAN STILL MAKE
PEANUT BRITTLE!
ROGER,
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.
EVERYTHING'S SO DIFFERENT,
BUT NOT YOU, ROGER.
YOU'RE THE SAME.
I'M GERALD, YOUR TENANT.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME
ROGER?
'CAUSE YOU'RE --
OH, MY GOD.
YOU DIDN'T COME WITH ME
THIS TIME.
NO,
I'VE BEEN AT THE MALL
GIVING EYE EXAMS,
LIKE I DO SIX DAYS A WEEK.
THANK GOD THE MALL'S CLOSED
ON TUESDAYS.
TUESDAY IS MY SUNDAY.
YOU WEREN'T GRABBING MY ASS
WHEN I WENT OFF THE BRIDGE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHY WOULD I GRAB IT?
I-I WOULDN'T EVEN BRUSH UP
AGAINST THAT...PERFECT A-APPLE.
YEAH, YOU WOULD.
I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE.
I ALSO KNOW
YOU'RE AN ALIEN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THIS STUFF?
BECAUSE I'M FROM AN ALTERNATE
REALITY WHERE WE'RE FRIENDS.
AM I BORING MALL OPTOMETRIST
THERE, TOO?
NO. YOU'RE THOUSANDS OF THINGS.
YOU'RE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE.
IN THIS ALTERNATE REALITY,
DO I EVER...
DRESS AS A WOMAN?
UH, YEAH!
THAT IS, WHEN YOU'RE NOT
WALKING AROUND NAKED.
OH, MY GOD!
THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!
WE HAVE TO GO THERE.
YES!
JUST THIS MORNING
WE WERE ZOOMING AROUND
IN A WHITE PORSCHE, AND YOU WERE
WEARING A PURPLE JUMPSUIT.
STOP DIGGING!
YOU STRUCK OIL!
WHY AREN'T WE GOING
ALREADY?
BECAUSE I USED
MY ONLY CHRISTMAS WISH.
WELL, DO I GET ONE?
PUT THIS BACK ON THE TREE
AND MAKE YOUR WISH.
WAIT, WAIT.
ALL RIGHT.
MAKE YOUR WISH.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
IT ALREADY CAME TRUE.
JUST DO IT.
[ TWINKLE! ]
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
IT DIDN'T WORK.
YEAH, IT DID!
I GOT MY PORSCHE!
¶ WHOA-OH, OH-OH, OH,
OH, OH, OH ¶
YOU FOOL!
WHAT?
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
OH,
WE'RE OUT OF WISHES.
MARY,
YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!
DON'T YOU SOMETIMES WISH
THAT WE WERE NEVER MARRIED?
HONEY,
WHAT'S COME OVER YOU?
I-I-I THINK YOU'RE FAT
AND..UGLY...
AND YOU HAVE BAD HAIR.
BUT THOSE THINGS
AREN'T TRUE.
[ Sobbing ] I KNOW!
YOU'RE PERFECT!
YOU GOT TO THINK
OF SOMETHING.
THESE PEOPLE
SUCK BALLS.
[ CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
I RUINED THE HOUSE.
NOW DON'T YOU WISH
WE WERE NEVER MARRIED?
NO!
I'M JUST GLAD
YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU MONSTER!
IS THIS FOR ME?
SILLY,
THAT'S FOR RUTH.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME
HERE!
OH, FRANCINE,
THESE ARE LIKE THE WINE GLASSES
YOU NEVER GOT.
WHAT'S THAT, STAN?
OH, NOTHING.
JUST -- THIS WINE GLASS
HAS A SPOT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
UH, THERE'S -- THERE'S NO SPOT
ON THAT WINE GLASS.
WHAT?
Don't criticize
her housekeeping.
It's her one thing.
IT IS?
YEAH. MARY,
THIS GLASS IS FILTHY.
[ GLASS CLINKS ]
DUDE, I JUST TOLD YOU --
SHUT UP, DICKHEAD.
I WORKED TOO HARD
FOR YOU TO SAY --
THIS WHOLE TABLE SETTING
LOOKS KIND OF SHABBY.
AND THESE AREN'T EVEN
CHRISTMAS NAPKINS.
[ GASPS ]
Mary:
HOW DARE YOU, STANLEY?!
HONESTLY,
WITH YOUR TASTE,
THE HOLE I PUT IN THE WALL
IS AN IMPROVEMENT.
AND YOU CALL THIS
A TREE ANGEL?
IT LOOKS LIKE THE CREEPY GIRL
FROM "THE RING."
[ SHIVERS ]
MY GREAT-GRANDMA LINDQVIST DIED
WITH THIS IN HER ARMS.
WELL,
IT LOOKS...LIKE...CRAP.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT,
STAN.
SOMETIMES I DO WISH
WE WERE NEVER MARRIED.
GREAT.
NOW PUT IT ON THE TREE.
[ TWINKLE! ]
PLEASE WORK.
PLEASE, PLEASE.
[ GASPS ]
Francine: OH, HONEY.
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SLEEPING IN.
NO. I NEVER
WANT TO SLEEP IN.
I WANT TO BE PART
OF EVERYTHING!
[ GASPS ] COZY!
THANKS, DAD.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
[ GASPS ]
I NEEDED NEW BIRKS!
I KNOW.
I CAN SMELL.
YOU GOT
THE WINE GLASSES.
JUST THE ONE.
[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT? WHY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE
MY ONE AND ONLY, BABY.
OH! GROUP HUG!
AAH!
WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET?
OH. FAMILY HUG.
Stan: GET IN HERE, FISH.
MWAH!
MOM, DAD!
I LEARNED MY LESSON.
I'LL NEVER TAKE YOU
FOR GRANTED AGAIN!
SNOT, FOR THE LAST TIME,
YOU'RE NOT OUR SON.
[ SIGHS ]
IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
¶ OH, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
FOR THE HOLIDAYS ¶
BYE! HAVE A BEAUTIFUL TIME!