American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - Now and Gwen - full transcript

[ Snoring ]

Gwen! Where are you?!

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Gwen?

Has anyone seen my sister, Gwen?

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Fire crackling ]

Gwen!
Got a light?

[ Foosh! ]

[ Snarls ]



Aah!

[ Deep voice ]
This girl is on fire!

[ Snarls ]

Scott:
Psst. Up here.

Francine:
[ Gasps ] Scott Baio!

Are you here to save me?
Sort of.

I'm here to tell you
you're pulling on push doors.

Oh.
[ Gwen snarls ]

[ Light switch clicks ]
Bad dream?

[ Sighs ]

I-I-I guess I'm nervous

about my sister
coming to visit today.

Also, I really need to get over

my obsession with Scott Baio.



Good luck.

[ Snores ]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Come on, let's finish breakfast

so we can clean up
before Gwen gets here.

God, you always turn
into a nervous wreck

when it comes to aunt Gwen.

Nonsense.

Now, who wants coffee?

Woof! Klaus,
you take decaf, right?

In the evenings, yes,
but in the morning,

I drink [slurring] whatever.

Hey, let's dance.
Where are you going?

Oh, you should have seen
your mom last night.

Nightmare after nightmare.

She was a-tossin' and a-turnin',
like a T.Rex on its back.

[ Growling ]

Boy, oh, boy,
did she look stupid.

Just dumb.
Here, see for yourself.

[ Stan laughing ]

Boy, oh, boy,
do you look stupid.

Just dumb.

It seems like forever
since Gwen's been here.

Mom, why is your relationship
with aunt Gwen so weird?

Is -- is it because you're adopted?
No.

Is it because I'm so vocal about
how attracted I am to her?

No, although it isn't
my all-time favorite thing.

She's a [high-pitched] fox.

Can't wait to see my sexy aunt.

[ Vocalizing ]

Who I'm not related to by blood.
[ Clears throat ]

The problem is -- aunt Gwen
is a convicted criminal,

and all she ever does
is use mom.

She's my sister.
Sometimes she leans on me.

"Leans" on you?

The last time she visited,
she rented a car in your name

and drove it through
her bookie's apartment.

When we toured universities,

we had to take
the bus everywhere.

What you do you care?

You ended up
at community college.

'Cause that's where
the bus went!

She's family!

I can't turn her away.

That's exactly what
you should do.

[ Light switch clicking, thunder rumbling ]
Drama!

What is that?
It's a thunder sheet.

It's useful for highlighting
dramatic moments.

I ordered it when Stan's mom was
gonna sleep with the gardener.

She didn't do that.
Yeah. She did.

But nobody knew it because it
wasn't highlighted. [ Rumbling ]

He might not have mowed the lawn
for two weeks,

but he took real good care
of that bush.

[ Rumbling ] I'll be using
this as a rim shot, as well.

Klaus: [ Slurring ]
There's a cab pulling up!

Now there's a plane in the sky.

Well, well, well,
if there isn't a little dog

across the street.
Sober up, Klaus.

Stan, Steve, Gwen's here!

Stan: Hup!
Steve: Hup!

Hup!
Hup!

Hup!
Hup!

I thought you said
Gwen was here.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello, Francine.

Gwen, you look great.

Wow, Gwen's so beautiful.

I-it's making me have feelings
I don't understand.

Ah, that's the tingle of desire

for a woman you have no chance
of hooking up with.

It's so frustrating.

That's why I've developed
a sad technique

that allows me to get
physically inappropriate

with a person
without them knowing.

I call it "the hug."

I know what a hug is, dad.

Oh. Okay.

Well, then, good luck to you.

Oh, no, dad,
I-I'm sorry.

I-I spoke too soon.

You did.
You did speak too soon.

Now watch this.

Gwen, it's been too long.

Face to neck.

Hand to lower back.

Pec to boob.

I don't know shit about hugging.

Aaaaand...
five Mississippi.

What?
I'm afraid our time's up.

Teach me that.

Hi, Steve.

Nooo-oo-oo!

So, what brings you to town?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

I hope you're not
on the lam or anything.

Can't a sister visit a sister
without needing an alibi?

[ Doorbell rings ]
I need an alibi.

That's my probation officer.

I've lived here for 18 months.

Oh, and none of us have been
selling fake cellphones.

Together: What?!

[ Light switch clicking, rumbling ]
Drama.

Who is that? Get him out of here.
Roger.

Fine, fine. I'm going.

Just let me pack
my thunder sheet.

Oh, what is the code?

Okay, three-digit number,
obviously.

I think it was
Brigitte Nielsen's weight.

So the first number is 2.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[ Scoffs ] Seriously,
who is this guy?!

[ Sighs ]

[ Soft rumbling ]

[ Loud crash ]

He lives in the attic.

He's human.

[ Birds chirping ]

So, you claim
you've lived here for...

18 months.

Right, Francine?
You bet.

I've been teaching my sister
how to walk again

after her
trolley-car accident.

Show her what
I taught you, Francine.

O-okay.

This is crazy.
I know.

Your aunt is a miracle worker,

but your mom, obviously,
has a long way to go.

So, I guess there's no way
you could have been

in Houston last month selling
fake cellphones to the elderly.

That's awful!
It sure is.

One last thing --

I need to check your purse
for narcotics.

Oh, Gwen, thank you

for bringing
the sweet'n low I asked for.

[ Slurps ]

We're so goddamn rich,
this is how we drink our coffee!

[ Slurps ]

Roger, Roger,

you're missing all kinds
of drama downstairs.

I know,
but my fellow cartographer

Michael Edward Upton is dying,
and I must go to him.

Oh, no.
Is he a dear friend?

He was, but we had
a falling-out.

He fell out of an airplane

with a pirate chest
of treasure we'd stolen.

Only he knows
where he buried it,

but only I have the key.

A standoff of sorts.

For 20 years, but now it's time
to unbury the hatchet.

Oh, part of the treasure
was a priceless hatchet.

Of course.
The timing couldn't be worse, though.

I'm needed here,
flicking lights on and off,

making thunder sounds, and announcing drama.
I could do those things.

Hang on, let me see
what my understudy is up to.

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Insects buzzing ]

Okay, you got the job.

But you report to him.

Well, Gwen, I'm happy to say
that it's clear

you are not involved
in any criminal activity.

Be good.

[ Engine turns over ]

Bye! Drive safe.

Put the fake phones in her room.

She'll show you where it is.

Are you --
are you planning to stay?

Yeah, I'm gonna be
doing business

around here for a little while.

Mom, she's lying
to her probation officer.

She's got a truck
full of fake phones.

Yeah, Gwen.

What is going on?
The less you know, the better.

Okay.

♪ [ Upbeat music plays ] ♪

Mom, you need to see
what Gwen put in the garage.

Show me new car!

Gwen's running a sweatshop.

You can't let her do this here.

I'm surprised at you.

This seems like
a wonderful opportunity

to learn about Indian culture.

[ Foreign accent ]
We're not Indian.

We're Sri Lankan.

Oh.

We have rich
and storied heritage.

I'm just not into it.

Mom, I've dropped
Psychology 101 six times,

so I know exactly
what you're doing.

You're enabling her.

Look, Gwen's had a tough road.
I know, I know.

She burned down
your high school,

and it destroyed her life.

But she is an adult now,

and you don't have to keep
cleaning up her messes.

[ Scraping ]

[ Grunting ]

Is the drama over?

Oh, damn it.

Stupid thing is so heavy.

No. This is
your fault, Klaus.

You wanted this job.
Now do it right!

Michael Edward Upton,
my old friend.

I came as soon as I heard.

Where'd you bury
the treasure, Michael?

I almost forgot about it, too,
just like you said I would.

But then your name popped up
on a Google coma alert.

Led me right to you.

So, I ask you once again --
where did you bury it, Michael?

I see.

Think you're gonna hide
behind the coma?

[ Chuckles ]

You always did go
for the big moves, didn't you?

But I got some moves of my own!

[ Fabric tears ]

Why did I hide this coffee?

They probably would have let me
carry this in here.

Wakey-wakey.

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Oh, another coma alert.

Val Kilmer?!

Oh, waking up after 20 years.

Now, the key thing
to a successful hug

is to remember "kiss."

That means keep it simple,
stupid, not kiss,

which you should
never try to do during a hug.

In fact, forget kiss.

Get kiss right out of your brain

'cause we are here
to learn about hugs,

which are easy to get
if you remember to "kiss,"

but not kiss.

Never kiss.

Now, then, "hugs" --

how you get satisfaction...

Stupid.

[ Sighs ]
You're looking confused.

This is so easy.

Satisfaction breaks down
into "S,"

which stands for satisfaction.

Uh, doi!
"A" is for apple.

"A" always stands for apple.

There's nothing we can do
about that.

"T" -- torso,
which is where the hug lives.

"I" --
ay-yi-yi, what a hug!

"S" --
satisfaction, again.

This one will break down
slightly differently

than the one we're doing now,
but we'll get to that later.

"F" -- Francine.

I love Francine.

I just do.

Back to "A" --
stands for alphabet.

It always does.

Sri Lankans make
such delicious kind of bread!

Eh. Who doesn't?

[ Door opens ]
What are you doing in here?

Where are you supposed to be?!
Garage!

Don't let them in here.

They're just looking
for their passports.

Now, I need you to put this
human liver in the fridge.

Why do you have a human liver?

I don't.

You have a human liver.

I have nothing to do with it.

So, I'm gonna wash up,
and then you're driving me

to Chimdale to sell that thing.

Is this my cooler?
My sandwich was in here.

My sandwich.

Dad, this is --
this is getting serious.

A-are you gonna do
something about Gwen?

I should say so.

Steve's about
to perv on her big-time.

I just hope I do it right.
[ Chuckles ] You will.

The only thing you have to know
is the meaning of every letter

and the order in which
I told them to you.

Remember everything!
Go, go, go!

Oh, my God,
there's so much to remember.

"S" is for satisfaction.

Aunt Gwen!
Yes, Steve?

Uh, apple.

Aaah!
[ Groans ]

Daddy, I-I bit my tongue,
and I got stuck.

So, Steve is, uh,
a little special?

That could work, yes.

Dad, you told her
I'm a slow kid!

Steve, who among us gets
to hug longer or harder

than our special friends?

Mr. Metheeny, the creepy
music teacher at school.

What you do at school
is your business, Steve.

[ Brakes squeak ]

I'll be right back.

But this is a bad neighborhood!

Relax.

Just think of it
as a farmers market

for pills and illegal guns.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
[ Door lock clicks ]

Oh, thank God.

He's friendly.

[ Door lock clicks ]

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
[ Door lock clicks ]

Open up, open up,
open up, open up!

Stop pulling the handle! Stop!
Open up, open up, open up, open up!

Wait!
Open up, open up, open up, open up!

Stop pulling the handle!

[ Door lock clicks ]

Christ, you're worse
than the kids.

Why do you still have the liver?

[ Gasps ]
I don't know what happened.

I saw the money,
I saw the liver,

and I thought,
"Maybe I could have it all."

[ Gunshot ]
Drive, drive, drive!

[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]
[ Gunshots ]

Oh, my God, mom, what happened?!

[ Weakly ]
Great news, Hayley --

we got the money and the liver.

Gwen, I am sick of this,
and so is my mom.

She has spent
her whole life helping you,

and you have never once
done anything for her.

Huh.
She told you that?

Yeah, she's just too nice
to tell you.

So it's time for you to go.
Fine, I'm gone.

But you tell your mom
that someday she'll understand

how I felt all these years.

Someday soon.

Someday...today.

Uncle Gwen!

I was under the ice
for six minutes.

Oh, Stevie.

But you made it.

Black doctor says
I was almost a angel.

Oh, hand to lower back.

Crotch to thigh.
Face in the cleavage.

He got all three points
of contact.

Oh, my God, what's he doing?

He's going for a fourth point.

Stan:
He's cupping a bun.

That's insane.
Touchdown, son!

Betty Crocker bakes cakes.

Yes, she does.

Bye, Stan.

[ Chanting ]
Apple! Apple! Apple!

[ Head thuds ]
[ Steve groans ]

Apple! Apple!
Where's Gwen?

Gone. I knew you couldn't do it,
so I kicked her out.

How did she react to that?

It was hard to know
what she was reacting to

'cause I was opening up
both barrels on her.

You know, I was like,
"Never come back,

or you're gonna get
a face full of knuckles,"

and then she whined
like a little bitch.

[ High-pitched ] "Maybe one day
your mom will see how I feel.

Maybe today."

[ Normal voice ]
Uh, she wasn't making any sense.

Probably because she was so scared.
[ Door opens ]

Ms. Francine, I know
we have to stay in garage --

and don't get me wrong,
we love garage --

but Ms. Gwen,
she spill much gasoline

when she take your fuel cans.

Many ladies sleeping now.

Oh, God!

She's gonna go
burn down the school

and make everyone think
I did it!

Why on earth would she do that?

'Cause that's what I did to her 25 years ago.
What?!

[ Rumbling ]
Klaus: Drama!

[ Grunting ]

[ Tires squeal ]

I am blown away
that you have been lying

about aunt Gwen all these years.

Okay, let's get
to the bottom of this.

You say "ahnt" when everyone
else in the family says "ant."

What's the deal with that?

I can't believe
you're changing the subject!

[ Snootily ] Oh, "cahn't" you?

Mom, why did you frame her?

[ Normal voice ] I didn't.

When I was a freshman,
Gwen was a senior.

She was the coolest girl
in school,

probably because she was
lab monitor.

One day after school,
I was waiting for Gwen

to finish her cool lab inventory

when a boy came in.

He made
a particularly clever joke

about experiments
and sexual chemistry.

But where was
my prince charming?

I thought if I acted like Gwen,
I could have everything she had.

So I pulled out her pack
of wagon burners.

She only smoked
the most provocative brand.

And I tried one.

Wait, you smoked
in the science lab?!

You think I give a shit?

[ Coughs ]

I don't know what firemen
use to put out fires,

but it's definitely
not denatured alcohol.

[ Door slams ]

[ Fire roars ]

Unfortunately, the lab
was right next to the room

where we stored our
school's mascot, the oily rag.

Go, rags!

Anyways, everything went up
super fast,

and when the firemen put it out,
they found what started it.

Shh.

Since then, I've done everything
I can to cover for her.

Oh, that's why we're always
mailing bags of pee.

[ Monitor beeping ]

This ought to do it.

[ Engine revving ]

[ Electricity zapping ]

It worked.

[ People screaming,
revving stops ]

It worked!

Idios mío!

¿Dónde estoy?
What?!

Wait, Michael Edward Upton
does not speak Spanish.

Edward James Olmos
speaks Spanish.

Nurse!
Who the hell is this?

I thought Michael Edward Upton
was in this room.

The eccentric cartographer?
No, he checked out two days ago.

I remember him
because he paid his bill

in what appeared
to be pirate treasure.

Wait, that means
he has the chestandthe key.

But then what's this?

Oh, I guess
it's just my house key.

[ Liquid splashing ]

Oh, good. You're here.

It'll make it a lot easier
to frame you.

Don't do this, Gwen.

Please, aunt Gwen.
[ Snootily ] "Ahnt"?

Get a load of her majesty.

My mom explained everything.
I understand now.

So you know the truth.

Itook the blame for the fire.

Yes, but you chose to.

You didn't have to.

Of course I had to.

She's my little sister,
and I was protecting her.

And you've chosen
to keep bailing her out

every time she gets in trouble.

Why do you think you do that?

Because...
I...love her?

Yes.

And, aunt Gwen, you did
what you did because...?

I wanted the money?

No, no,
when you protected my mom.

Oh, right, yeah.
I guess it was love.

Aww, sis, I'm so sorry.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Smoke 'em peace pipe?

Spark it up.
No!

Francine: Why does this
keep happening to us?!

You guys, get out of here.

But what about you?!

Someone's got to take
the blame for it.

This time, it'll be me.

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

Man: Please surrender
farther away

from the
still-exploding building.

Stand up! Run!

Behave like a person
who wants to live!

I can't believe you get
a suspended sentence

and I get jail time.

Let's not get bogged down
in who violated their parole

and whose husband called
in a favor with a local judge.

The important thing is,
we've let go of the past.

We're totally free.
I'mnot!

And when I get out of here,
I'm coming for you, sis.

I will have my revenge!

[ Light switch clicking, rumbling ]
Klaus: Drama!

Look at me! I'm doing it.
I'm doing it!

No touching the lights!