American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 15 - Seizures Suit Stanny - full transcript

Thanks for driving, Hayley.

I really need both hands free

to make the float
inside my mouth.

What your father's doing
is called molecular gastronomy.

The swishing releases the
carbon dioxide from the soda.

He's enjoying his dessert
on a chemical level!

Klaus, I don't care about that.

Hayley, get off your calculator

and learn something
about flavor, please.

It's important.
Um, no.

- And this isn't a calculator, okay?
- I'm texting.



Texting?!
That's even worse!

Here we go about the kids.

You kids today,
all shuffling around aimlessly

with your heads
buried in your phones.

One day,
you're gonna look up and say,

"Wait -- why are the signs
all in Chinese?

Oh, it's because
I'm in communist China!"

Are you saying
I'm gonna walk to China?

I'm saying this becomes China!

Come on, dude.
You knew what he meant.

I'm putting my foot down --

no more texting
in the Smith family.

That's it -- done.

That's insane.



Yeah, there's no way
Francine lets that fly, Stan.

Okay, then...

I forbid you to text and drive.

Yeah, that's actually smart.

And no texting
at the dinner table.

And at school.

And...while you're doing
your homework.

And...while...you're...playing
board games with the family.

And...at church and the movies
and funerals and weddings --

Ohhh,
they're coming to me now --

and charity events
and work functions

and during the national anthem

and the "In Memoriam"
part of the Oscars.

Whew. There.

Just put my foot down hard
on texting.

Klaus, read that back to me.

I didn't have a pen.
I'm sorry.

Ah, damn it.
But I remember them.

I-I remember all of them,
I swear.

All right, well, don't forget

and just write it all down
when we get home.

Nobody talk to Klaus
while he's remembering my list.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good -- ♪
♪ good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Looks like life
just hit someone in the gonads.

You know,
I-I don't get it, Roger.

I've been acing
my practice tests at school,

then flunking the real tests.

Why is this happening to me?

Sounds like you got the "yips."
The what?

The yips.
You're choking under pressure.

It's the type of thing
that can ruin your life, amigo.

Whoa.
How can I fix it?

You can't.
Oh, my God!

Kidding, bud.

You fix it
where you fix everything...

in the swimming pool.

Wait --
h-how is swimming

gonna make me
a better test taker?

Not swimming, you tiny Adonis --
diving.

What do you want to see?

I want to see perfection.

That narrows it down.

All right.
How about a 2 tuck reverse?

Do it!
Do it now!

What's with
the sarcastic slow clap?

That was a tight cowboy tuck
and clean entry.

Sure, it was tight and clean,
and I'm as hard as concrete,

but you did it
in your own backyard.

I want to see you
do that exact same dive

at the public pool in front
of the entire neighborhood.

Ohhh! So this was
a practice test.

There's always
a method to my madness, Steve.

Now watch this.

I just do the dive.
I don't mess with the water.

So, I'm in the checkout line,
and I have to swipe my card

a few times
before it goes through,

and I hear the guy in line
behind me do the whole "ugggh."

Like he's in such a hurry.

Then I see
he's buying stove-top popcorn,

and I say, "Sir,
if you're that pressed for time,

maybe you should buy
the microwave popcorn."

Well, the checkout lady
takes her microphone thing

and goes,
"Major burn on register 1!"

And she immediately gets fired.

Turns out she had a history
of playing with the microphone.

Hello?

Oh, my God. Have I
not been talking to anyone?

Stan!
I have zero bars!

That's correct.

I'm having the C.I.A. scramble
the signal inside our house

until Hayley starts obeying
my no-texting times.

I also wrote them in German.

I did the German side in purple

as a little incentive
to learn German.

Wish me luck, everybody.

I'm going
on my first business trip.

Jeff got a job
field-testing products.

I work for a company!

Well, I guess
if Jeff can figure out

how to use a product,
anyone can.

Thanks, Mr. S.

One day, I will insult you

in a way you can understand.

Okay!

Enjoy that job
until your first drug test.

Oh, it's cool,
Mr. S

I know everything about drugs.

I mean, is it me,

or are kids just getting dumber?

Oh, they're dumb as shit
now, Stan.

I swear, it's all the texting.

I don't know.
I use texting all the time.

Yeah, it's a great way to cut
to the heart of a conversation

without all the chitchat.

Texting just doesn't jibe
with my sense of humor.

I have a really dry wit --
like bone-dry.

It's all about nuance with me --
deadly timing.

You can't get that in a text.

Actually, emoticons are a great
way to get those subtleties.

Here, I'll show you.

Stephanie's my mistress.

Ah.
A winky face.

I guess that could be helpful

if I'm saying something
tongue-in-cheek.

Absolutely. And emojis
even go a step further.

Look at that little face!

It's like he's saying,
"Um, check, please."

That's
one of my go-tos!

Oh, my God!
That's texting?

That was real, you guys.

♪ I know my P.O.V. is A.F.K. ♪

♪ My energy is M.I.A.
and never coming back ♪

♪ and FYI,
the 411 on the F.A.Q. list ♪

♪ anyone will tell you ♪

♪ It's a lot like doin' crack ♪

♪ W-T-F-I ♪

♪ rolling on the floor laughing,
L.M.A.O. interaction ♪

♪ wait for another reply ♪

♪ A.S.A.P. O.M.G. ♪

♪ Are you gonna
T.X.T. me back tonight? ♪

I noticed
the phone service is back on.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

But don't think for a second

that means
you can break my texting rules.

I'm watching you like a hawk.

Really? How many fingers
am I holding up?

You're holding up one finger,
and it's the middle one.

Damn. That would have
been better.

Hold on a minute, Stan.

If you're texting now,

why are you still
all over Hayley about it?

Because, Klaus,

when a parent makes a rule,
they have to enforce it,

no matter how stupid
they realize it is.

Otherwise, their kids won't
listen to anything they say.

So...
you're a hypocrite?

Name-calling,
huh, Klaus?

Well, I guess I'm not texting
you my joke of the day anymore.

Aw, come on!
Don't be like that!

I will.

I will be like that.

Better.

Oh, this is just too good.

Don't smile.

Jeff, prepare to understand
your first insult.

And send!

Ooh!

Aaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, look -- there's a Klaus.

Dad, are you okay?!

Oh, God, Stan!
How did this happen?

Well...I was just driving
all normal.

I remember
I had just said to myself,

"Wow. Everything's super-normal
right now."

It was weird
that it was so normal.

And...you want more.

And so I...had...

a seizure.

A seizure?!

You've never had seizures
before!

I'm gonna bring in our seizure
expert to run some tests,

make sure that's what it was.

You paged me?

This man claims
he had a seizure.

We just need
your expert opinion.

My pleasure.

So, when the episode happened,

were you shaking all over?

Yes.
This man had a seizure.

Okay, Stan,
I want you on bed rest.

I'm also prescribing

some pretty aggressive
antiseizure medication.

Now, there are
a number of side effects --

I don't care
if he can't get erections.

That's...not
one of the side effects.

Well, maybe it should be.
I could use a break.

I'm just getting railed.

Okay, I got you a day pass.

It was 20 bucks,
so we're stealing towels.

We're also stealing chlorine,

but that was
already gonna happen.

Ah, the public pool --
society's unflushed toilet.

If you can perform
the same dive you did for me

in front of these savages,
you've got nerves of steel.

Bye-bye,
performance anxiety.

Not so fast, hotshot.

You have to wear these.

Only two types of people wear
speedos to the public pool --

great athletes and perverts.

Which one are you?

"Seizure," my ass.

Beg pardon?

You didn't have a seizure
when you crashed.

You were probably
texting someone

a picture of your balls
or something.

Dude, ball shots are played out.

It's all about making your elbow
look like a butt right now.

Whoa!
Whose butt is that?

Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.

You know, your accident

really put things
into perspective for me.

Driving is already dangerous
enough without texting.

I am gonna limit
how much I text, dad.

It seems my precious rules
are safe for another day, Klaus.

And now it's your turn
to obey me.

You have to take these meds.

No more close calls like that.

"Possible side effects
include memory loss,

chalky genitals,
hallucinations, underbite,

unibrow, swamp palm,
Daniel Calf" --

Daniel Calf?

Klaus, I don't care about that.

The important thing is that we
stop these seizures, right, dad?

Absolutely, sweetheart.

Okay, let's forget for a second
that you're taking

some insane medication
that you don't need.

Already forgotten.

You could have used the accident

to prove your point to Hayley
that texting and driving is bad.

And what happens when she
finds out you've been texting?

Not gonna happen,
because I am done with all that.

Just let me send this last one.

Send.

Ah! Damn autocorrect.

It changed "Doc gave me meds"
to "Dog gave me AIDS."

Let me juuuust...send.

Damn it!
"Dong gave me AIDS."

Let me juuuust...

It appears vaudeville is
alive and well in cyberspace.

My penis feels weird
in this, Roger --

like everyone can see it.

They can.

Shape and size are coming
through with perfect clarity.

But don't get psyched out --
just nail the dive

and show these jerks
you've got ice in your veins.

Okay.

A-and who knows?
Maybe they won't even notice me.

Everybody, look at this dipshit!

What's the matter, kid?

Didn't want to pay
for the whole tan?

God, that's good stuff.

Shake it off, iceman!

Well.
What do we have here?

An athlete or a pervert?

Ignore me. I'm just a divorced
dad with weekend visitation.

Gregory! What are you doing
over there by the jets?!

I don't care if it fits!
You pull it out of that jet!

Gregory!

Swamp palm.

Damn medication.

I'm back from my trip,
Mr. S.

Whoa! Sick unibrow, bro.

The hair is just
a little side effect

of the seizure medication.

Which reminds me...

Wow.
Empty already.

All right!
I'm cured!

That's not how it works,
goofball.

You need a refill.

Oh, I'll drive him!

I don't know
why I said I'd drive.

I drove over 40 miles
on my business trip,

and that's gonna be it for me
for a while.

By the way, I didn't
really understand your text.

'Cause that person's not my mom.

That went through?

Even with the crash?

Wait -- Mr. S.,
were you texting and driving?

What? No!
Why would you say that?

Because you sent me this video
right after.

Oh, look -- these's a Klaus.

Save me, texting!

Okay, fine. I was.
But you can't tell Hayley.

If she finds out I was texting,

she'll never listen to me again.

I can't just
turn a blind eye to this, Mr. S.

I'm a field tester now.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to
get a straight-up butt pic.

Hmm.
I can do better.

Ooh!

Somebody!
Help my friend!

Shouldn't you help him?!
You're right there!

Yes, but I'm angry at him

because he was
texting and driving!

Come down! You'll see!
It's very obvious!

This, I got to seeeeeee!

He was texting and driving.

It's a cautionary tale.

I hate to say
"I told you so," but...

You were right, dad.
You were right.

There, there.

I told you so.

There, there.

Well, the good news is,

Jeff has a 60% chance
of pulling out of this coma.

The bad news is,
that's out of, like, 800%.

We'll call if there's any change
in Jeff's condition.

Oh, no.
No, I am not leaving his side.

Me neither. I'm staying
right here, day and night.

We shooould probably
get some magazines, though.

Oh, yeah. And I need, need,
neeeeeeed a hot dog.

As for you,
a traumatic event like this

can increase
the risk of seizures.

I'm gonna up your medication
as a precaution.

Oh...
that's not necessary.

Well, you're all set.

Looks like I'm in the clear.

They bought the whole thing.

What if Jeff
comes out of that coma?

Who said that?

Down here, bro.

Hey, buddy.

Who are you?!

I'm Daniel Calf.
I'm a side effect.

Oh. Right. Of course.
Uh, please excuse me.

Today has been absolutely nuts.

Please. I get it.

So, listen, if Jeff
comes out of that coma,

he's gonna tell everybody

that you were the one
texting and driving.

He could ruin everything.

What do I do about that?

You got to kill him, chief.

Okay.

Wait -- he can't prove
I was texting and driving.

His phone's
at the bottom of a river.

Plus, Hayley will
obviously believe me.

She's eating out of
the swampy palm of my hand.

What about the mainframe?

The main-what-now?

The mainframe.

It's where
your cellphone provider

keeps all the texts
you've ever sent.

As long
as that mainframe exists,

someone could find out
the truth.

So, what do I have to do?

My head's a bit fuzzy
from the shot.

Look, there's only two words
you need to remember --

"Destroy mainframe."

No problem.

Destroy...

man!

Ohh! Almost!

Just channel all the energy

you normally use
to walk and talk

and focus it
on these two words --

"Destroy mainframe."

Destroy mainframe!

That's it!

Now let go of your motor skills!
Really focus!

Yaaaaaaah!

Yeah!
You're doing it!

Do it! Do it!
What's your problem?!

You've been up there forever!

Dive, you freak!

Show us your balls!

What he said!

I can get behind that.

You've nailed this dive
a million times.

And here comes
a million and one.

Goodbye, yips.

Aah!

Aah! Aah!
Aah!

He's okay!
The pervert is okay!

Destroy mainframe!

Mainframe!

Sir, the mainframe's
not actually in the store.

We don't even have a bathroom.

She's lying.
She works for the mainframe.

Mainframe!

Mainframe!

Ah. You found
our push-to-talk phone.

Cellular range,
walkie-talkie convenience.

Yaaaaaaaaaahhh!

Mainframe?
Dad, Jeff's awake!

Wha?
He's out of his coma.

Noooooooooo!

You should've killed him
before -- when I told you.

Just met you then.
No developed trust yet.

Hayley!
I'm -- I'm --

I'm so -- I'm so sorry!

Oh, God!
What have I done?!

Her organs are being
held inside her body by the car.

When the car moves,
she'll lose them.

That means she's only got
17 months to live.

'Cause that's
when my lease is up.

Hayley, this is all my fault!

I was the one who was
texting and driving, not Jeff.

I thought admitting that to you
was bad parenting,

but this -- this is
slightly worse parenting.

What's going on?

Hallucinations.

That's a common side effect
of the meds.

I'll pull him out of it.

Wait. Let's leave it
for a while.

Thanks for trying
to help me, Roger.

I guess there's nothing we can
do about my performance anxiety.

Wait -- did you learn nothing
from that whole experience?

Yeah --
I crack under pressure.

Buddy, you just missed
the whole point of my lesson.

There is no pressure.

Huh?

Those jerks at the swim club

can make fun of you
all they want,

but at the end of the day,

you get to come back here
to your house with a pool,

and they don't.

Ohhhh.

None of those idiots
have their own pool.

You think if they did, they'd
go to a place like that?

Why would they?

That place sucks.

And you think that if you flunk
some Biology test at school,

they're gonna take your pool away from you?

No, I guess they won't.

No way. You can flunk every test forever
and you still get to come back here.

- To a house with a pool.
- Oh my God.

- I have a pool.
- There you go.

- I have a pool.
- We got a pool, baby.

Yeah!

I take solace in the fact that
her life was not lived in vain.

I, Stan Smith, solemnly vow
to carry myself as she did.

With integrity, dignity and grace.

Can I bring him out of it now?

Just a little bit longer.

Looks like you got a fruit cake
in the deli department.

We got a major burn at register 8.

Sydney, you don't work here anymore.

I'm a customer now, Tom.

Sydney ain't going nowhere.