American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 13 - Holy Shit, Jeff's Back - full transcript
Jeff has escaped from space, or has he?
[Music]
[Meteor whistles]
[Tyler, Becky moaning]
Tyler Wiley, you like me, right?
It doesn't matter.
Just listen to your body, girl.
Yes, listen to your body, Becky.
We can all hear it.
[Meteor zooms]
Sir, there's a meteor headed
straight for Langley Falls!
Take it easy, Joeson.
It's probably nothing.
Also, we're running low
on dot matrix ink,
- and no one sells it anymore.
- Noooo!
Daddy, please don't leave.
Son, I'm just going to the store
to get some cigarettes.
[Engine turns over]
[Sighs]
No. Your son needs you.
End the cycle.
[Eerie music playing]
[Doorbell rings]
Well, this is strange.
This is the nighttime, a time we
don't normally receive visitors.
Hey, Mr. S.
I'm home.
[Gasps]
Jeff's back.
Francine, honey,
can you bring me my gun?
- Jeff, don't go anywhere.
- Okay.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Chorus: # Good morning, U.S.A. #
Hey, mister.
How was space?
- Vast.
- Hayley, your husband's back.
Oh, she's gonna be so excited.
Oh, here's your gun, honey.
Jeff!
You're finally home!
Oh, I missed you so much!
Oh, your hat stinks so good.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Stan: Hayley, cover your ears.
Daddy's gonna make a bang.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- I'm sorry, Hayley.
I know you're excited Jeff's back.
But he knows that Roger's an alien,
and he can't stop himself
from telling everyone.
So he has to die.
Mom, do something.
- You know how your father gets.
- Before you kill me, mr. S.,
I want you to know
that I've changed.
In space, all you have
is time to think about
what you'd do different
in your life.
That and what you would
call the offspring
- of a labradoodle and a cheagle.
- Chalabradeagle. Easy.
I won't say anything.
I promise.
Dad, you have to
give him a chance.
Oh, Mr. S. I got you
something while I was in space.
You can open it now
or after you kill me.
- It reminded me of you.
- Ha! You don't know me.
It's a souvenir from
the Haverglack galaxy.
It's like a clock,
except it makes fart noises.
[Fart noise]
This is amazing!
I'm gonna set an alarm
for tomorrow morning!
[Fart noises]
Ha ha!
That last one was me!
'Sup?
[thinking]
Roger: I know that guy.
Is that the guy
who works at Panera Bread?
No, no.
That guy died.
Oh, wait. That's Jeff!
I sent him into space.
I wonder if he remembers that.
God, I could go for a panera.
Oh, "Kate & Leopold."
Hi, Jeff.
I still can't belive you're back.
I feel like when you left,
my whole life got put on pause.
A-And now I get to un-pause it.
And I'd like to start by smoking a bowl
and un-pausing
"Transformers: Dark of the Moon,"
the movie we paused
right before you left
and our lives were put on pause.
I'd love to catch up
with Bumblebee and the gang,
but I don't smoke anymore.
What?
Wait, I'm sorry. Huh?
Look, Hayley.
I meant what I told your family.
- I wanna be a better man.
- But pot's basically legal.
Prop 87 said cops have to be
super-chill about it now.
Ooh, I know.
How about a little mood music?
[Jam band music playing]
- Oh, god. What is this?
- It's your favorite jam band ... Fish.
I-I can't make out to this.
There's no song structure.
The drummer's just waiting for
the guitarist to do something.
Okay.
How about this song, then?
[Jam band music playing]
Are we gonna [bleep] or what?
Snot let me borrow his hamster
while he's at Jewish camp.
[chuckles] I'm so excited
to take care of him.
For the hamster's sake,
I hope you do a better job
of taking care of him
than you do of me.
- You're not my pet, Klaus.
- Well, why not, Steve?! Why not?!
Klaus wants a teenage boy
to take care of him?
I guess you can take the brain
out of a German,
but you can't take the German
out of a brain.
[Laughter]
Ooh, Jeff.
Burning Klaus.
I hope you like your fish blackened.
I told you space changed me.
It opened my eyes.
And one of the things
I realized up there
was what a great role model you are.
- Me?
- Him?
You have a job,
you provide for your family,
you're a productive member of society.
Wow.
You really know your stuff.
I was hoping you could help me
learn to be a real man,
- Mr. S., like you.
- Jeff, can I just say
I am loving the new you.
And I would love to take the new
you to the new Fro-Yo place
that opened right after
Roger threw you into space.
Look at that.
I made Jeff better.
I guess that's just what Roger
does, makes things better.
[Shatter!]
This is mine. I brought this.
Dad, can I go with you?
I love that place.
Sorry, Steve. Three people
make for a weird dynamic.
Two people always turn against one.
- But, dad ...
- You'd be the one, Steve.
- Look, it's already happening. Jeff?
- I'd love to go.
I just have to go upstairs
to, um, take care of something.
Does Jeff seem a little weird
to you guys since he got back?
Like, a little different?
- Hell yeah! He's better.
- Way better.
If I were you, Hayley,
I'd lock that down.
- Mom, we're already married.
- I mean lock it down for real.
Rings catch girls.
Babies trap boys.
[Keyboard clacking]
Zebleer to mother ship.
Greetings, Zebleer.
Please update mission status.
The mission continues
as planned, brother.
The simpleminded earthlings
suspect nothing.
Good. Have you found
an acceptable specimen?
Yes, an alpha male with a job ...
the exact opposite of our first
earthling. I will earn his trust
and then transport him
to the mother ship.
Ever wonder why we don't
call it a father ship?
Are you working on material
for that stand-up thing
you invited us to?
No. No, no, no, no.
So, Andromedan pod monsters be shopping.
I've initiated contact with
the host familly
and have three Earth specimens
ready to Blorph.
We are ready for your Blorph.
First item is fork.
[Fork grinds]
Next item is spoon.
[Spoon grinds]
And now hamster.
[Hamster grinds]
[chitters]
Oh, my god!
How could you send a living
animal through the Blorpher...
without warning me he'd be so cute?!
Excellent work, Zebleer.
Blorphs received.
End transmission.
[Sighs] "Blorph."
We have got to come up
with a different name
for the Blorph machine.
- I feel so stupid saying "Blorph."
- Well, you'll have to take that up
with the inventor of the Blorph,
Dr. Blorph McBlorph-Blorph.
Whoo!
Aw, man. Nice slide!
You were going so fast.
- Hey, babe, we'll be back soon.
- Okay, but real quick,
why are you so eager
to hang out with my dad?
- He's cool.
- Face!
Has anyone seen Snot's hamster?
No time to care about
your hamster, Steve.
I'm taking Jeff to your
favorite Fro-Yo place.
[Sighs] Okay, I know I should
be happy that Jeff's back,
but something just doesn't feel right.
You mean because he's an alien
who altered his appearance
- to look like Jeff?
- What?!
Oh, I thought we all knew and
we were just going along with it
'cause he's so much better
than the actual Jeff.
Did you guys really not know?!
[Chuckling]
Oh! Oh, that is so great.
You're saying that's not Jeff?
Oh, no. Honey, no.
That is definitely not Jeff.
Only question is,
what is this alien doing here?
We'll have to investigate.
Ooh! Detective time!
Outfit change!
Ooga-booga!
Me hate fire!
Open your mind, Hayley.
Anyone can be a detective.
Mm-mmm. Wow.
This has got to be
the best thing on the planet.
Oh, yeah, it's one of the finer
things a man can enjoy in life,
like driving with your knees
or shooting your name into an
old metal sign with a handgun.
I never even shot a handgun.
[Tires screech, horns honk]
We're changing that.
We're changing that right now.
But where?
[Gunshots]
[Giggles]
Okay, let's see how you did.
"Zebleer"?
No, doofus, you were
supposed to spell your name.
- Oh, right. My name's Jeff.
- No problem, Jeff.
You emptied the clip and hit the sign,
which means your only problem
is spelling.
Good thing that's easily fixable
with a second gun.
Well, you spelled "Zebleer" again.
[Birds chirping]
Okay, clues...
- Oh! A Blorpher!
- What's that?
Works kind of like a fax machine
but for solid objects.
Humans would probably
have something like this
if they hadn't abandoned
facsimile technology.
I still have a fax machine,
but it's just so
my commercial agent
can send me sides for auditions.
Did I tell you I'm on hold for
a Langley Mutual commercial?
Roger!
What does all this mean?
It means it's between me
and like one other person.
It's probably this guy ... Brad.
He books everything.
[Sighs]
No, the Blorpher! Jeff!
Oh, it means that the "Jeff"
who is with Stan
is a species of alien called
the Collectors.
They're kind of like
space's zookeepers.
Then where's my Jeff?
They probably have a research
ship in orbit. He'll be up there.
A-And this machine
can get me to him?
Look, if you go up there,
- there's no guarantee you'll come back.
- I don't care.
I'd rather die up there,
trying to get Jeff,
- than stay down here without him.
- Okay.
I think I'm finally
starting to understand
what it feels like to be a man.
Thanks again for showing me
how to shoot.
Where I come from, we're
expected to figure everything
- out on our own.
- [Chuckles] Where you come from?
Ha, you're from Langley, ya goofball.
Man, you used to confuse
the hell out of me
with your stupid jokes
I didn't understand.
But since you've come
back, you are killing
me with all these jokes
I don't understand.
[Cellphone rings, beeps]
Smith.
Ah, damn. We just went!
Couple of my homeboys
from the C.I.A.
- are hitting up the Fro-Yo stand.
- What if we went back
and got some more,
double dipped?
I don't know what happened
to you out there in the
frozen void of space, but you
came back a goddamn genius.
Hayley: Aah!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
It hurts! Oh, god!
Relax. All the pain immediately
stops on the other side.
What are you doing?
You're coming with me!
No, I'm not. Let go.
Hayley! Let go, Hayley!
Yep, this is a deep pain ...
a very, very deep pain.
[Grinding]
[Alarm beeps]
The Blorph alert?
This is strange.
This is the nighttime, a time we
don't normally receive Blorphs.
Uh, um, mmm.
Oh, man. I'm out.
No, you're not.
Hold out your cup.
All: Fro-Yo bros!
You would all share
your bounty with me?
All we're doing is sacrificing
a little frozen yogurt
- for our new best friend.
- Wow.
Mankind has a surprising
proclivity for sacrifice.
Why did you say "mankind" like that?
Yeah. Nobody that's
part of mankind
would ever say "mankind" like that.
Uh, I guess I used to be
such a slacker that I'm still
learning to speak like a cool,
responsible human like you guys.
[Laughs]
[Laughter]
[All laugh]
[Totally all laugh]
[Whirring]
Ugh.
Not cool.
This is not cool.
I'm on hold for Langley Mutual, Hayley.
I'm not supposed to leave town.
God, they're gonna move on to Brad.
Mother...
Ugh. Brad's gonna get it.
So, no game plan?
Just gonna run through an alien ship?
[Bird chirps]
Did you know Jacques Cousteau
had a sex room just like this?
[Animals chittering]
Hayley!
Hayley Smith, right?
Who are you,
and how do you know my name?
You don't recognize Sinbad
from "Houseguest"?
He beat Dennis Miller
on "Star Search."
What are the schools
even teaching these days?
Hayley, I recognize you
because I was with Jeff
when we got caught
by these aliens.
You were with Jeff?
Where is he?
Oh, you are in luck.
He's right there.
Hmm. "You're in luck" may have
been a bad choice of words.
Oh, god. Jeff!
You know what I'm just
remembering right now?
When the collectors encounter
something new, they dissect it.
Can't believe I forgot that.
It's, like, their most famous thing.
That's why they're called
the Dissectors.
You said they were called
the Collectors.
Oh, they are now.
They used to be the Dissectors.
Did a bit of rebrand in the '80s.
Same people who did new Coke.
[Sobbing]
Ah, look at this.
More species for our collection.
- Seize them!
- Hayley, run! [Thuds]
I looked everywhere for Snot's
hamster and I can't find it.
Maybe it's time to focus
on the pet you can find.
You know, in Germany,
goldfish are considered
the hamsters of the sea.
Hmm.
I know you're lying,
but maybe you're right, Klaus.
Check it out! I'm taking small bites
- to make it last longer.
- Me, too!
Mmm.
I'm pretending
I'm a little baby mouse.
That's so smart!
[Nibbles]
[Beeping]
Uh-oh.
Mr. S., I have to tell you something.
There's a reason I'm so much
different from when I left Earth.
I'm not actually Jeff.
I'm not even human.
- I'm following. Continue.
- My people came across the real Jeff
and the ghost of Sinbad
traveling the galaxy.
- Uh-huh. Go on.
- My species are Collectors.
For eons,
we have traveled the universe
trying to gather, collect,
- and catalog what we find.
- Naturally.
We had never encountered a human before,
so it was decided that
I would travel back to Earth
disguised as Jeff to collect
more information about humanity.
- Well, you came to the right place.
- And Jeff told me everything
I needed to know to blend in.
So I came to Earth to live amongst you.
I was supposed to bring you back
to the ship for dissection,
- but I grew fond of you.
- Ditto.
But there's something
you should know.
- The real Jeff is dead.
- Good.
Fingers crossed you feel the same way
- about your daughter.
- What?!
She went to rescue Jeff, and now
they're gonna dissect her, too.
Get me to that ship!
Something tells me
this isn't hair removal!
What ... nothing?
I'm trying to keep it light here.
- Stan: Stop right there!
- Dad!
Brothers, we must stop the collection.
- Hubbub, hubbub.
- Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
- Hubbub, hubbub.
- Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
We can't kill her.
- She's important to this man here.
- Hey there.
And he's important to me
because he taught me
what it is to be Human.
They love. They laugh.
They take prescription medication
to help them love and laugh.
Humans may do all those
wonderful things,
- But we must collect.
- Perhaps this will change your mind.
It's called Fro-Yo, and
it's proof of mankind's value.
This is delicious.
In return for giving us
this savory cosmic treat,
I will spare the lives of your
human and your alien sex slave.
Stan, what did you tell him?
We did it!
I'm so glad everyone's okay.
Not everyone.
Hayley, don't be sad.
Alien Jeff is gonna stay on Earth
and be the new Jeff.
So you get Jeff back, and I get
to hang out with my new bud.
I don't want him.
But I'm an exact replica
of the Jeff you lost.
You may be Jeff on the outside,
but you're not Jeff up here.
Look, Hayley,
I know how much you love Jeff,
but there's no bringing him back.
If there was a way,
I-I'd do it for you.
- Except there is a way.
- I won't do it for you.
I can't.
My hands are tied.
I will have Jeff's brain
implanted in my head,
which means I will die,
but Jeff will live on in my body.
You would do that?
Back on Earth,
your dad and his friends
made a sacrifice by giving me
their frozen yogurt,
and now I will make a sacrifice
of my own!
Whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down there.
- It was just a little Fro-Yo.
- No, the gestures are equal.
The universe is in balance.
Thanks for watching my hamster
while I was away.
- So, where is he?
- Right here.
And good news ...
I taught him to swim
and hold his breath
for the rest of his life.
I can't wait to tell you
about Jewish camp.
Wait. You came
back from Jewish camp?
It'll feel so good to have
Jeff back ... the real Jeff.
Oh, god!
I'll never forget you, alien Jeff!
Actually, you will.
The Collectors said this ship is equipped
with "Men in black" technology.
It was weird that they
referred to it as
"Men in black" technology, right?
Like, did they get the idea
from the movie
and then set out to create it?
And how did they see "Men in black"?
So many questions.
Anyway, you won't remember
any of this, but I will.
- How?
- I'm immune ... space stuff.
So, a-after we leave the ship,
- none us will know Jeff's an alien?
- Nope, not even Jeff.
But what if he has, like,
a-a medical emergency
- and we have to ...
- Why don't we just wait and see?
Okay? Can we do that?
Can we wait and see?
Why don't we just do that?
- Babe? You found me!
- Jeff!
- I love you!
- I love you, too, babe.
And, babe, I did a lot
of thinking in space,
and I decided that,
if we ever have a kid,
I'm willing to be
a stay-at-home dad.
And you don't have to work, either.
We can stay at your parents' house
and live off the government.
- Oh, god.
- Oh, hey, Mr. S.
Well, since no one's
gonna remember this...
- B-B-B-Body slam!
- Aah!
We had a lot of fun here
on American Dad tonight
but we also encountered
a lot of danger ...
guns, dissection, meteors.
Really makes you think
that you should be prepared.
Hi. I'm Brad for
Langley Mutual Life insurance.
Maybe it's time to make sure
you're prepared
if something bad happens.
I know I am.
Langley Mutual!
♪ Langley Mutual ♪
♪ We don't cover floods ♪
Bye! Have a beautifull day!
[Meteor whistles]
[Tyler, Becky moaning]
Tyler Wiley, you like me, right?
It doesn't matter.
Just listen to your body, girl.
Yes, listen to your body, Becky.
We can all hear it.
[Meteor zooms]
Sir, there's a meteor headed
straight for Langley Falls!
Take it easy, Joeson.
It's probably nothing.
Also, we're running low
on dot matrix ink,
- and no one sells it anymore.
- Noooo!
Daddy, please don't leave.
Son, I'm just going to the store
to get some cigarettes.
[Engine turns over]
[Sighs]
No. Your son needs you.
End the cycle.
[Eerie music playing]
[Doorbell rings]
Well, this is strange.
This is the nighttime, a time we
don't normally receive visitors.
Hey, Mr. S.
I'm home.
[Gasps]
Jeff's back.
Francine, honey,
can you bring me my gun?
- Jeff, don't go anywhere.
- Okay.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Chorus: # Good morning, U.S.A. #
Hey, mister.
How was space?
- Vast.
- Hayley, your husband's back.
Oh, she's gonna be so excited.
Oh, here's your gun, honey.
Jeff!
You're finally home!
Oh, I missed you so much!
Oh, your hat stinks so good.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Stan: Hayley, cover your ears.
Daddy's gonna make a bang.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- I'm sorry, Hayley.
I know you're excited Jeff's back.
But he knows that Roger's an alien,
and he can't stop himself
from telling everyone.
So he has to die.
Mom, do something.
- You know how your father gets.
- Before you kill me, mr. S.,
I want you to know
that I've changed.
In space, all you have
is time to think about
what you'd do different
in your life.
That and what you would
call the offspring
- of a labradoodle and a cheagle.
- Chalabradeagle. Easy.
I won't say anything.
I promise.
Dad, you have to
give him a chance.
Oh, Mr. S. I got you
something while I was in space.
You can open it now
or after you kill me.
- It reminded me of you.
- Ha! You don't know me.
It's a souvenir from
the Haverglack galaxy.
It's like a clock,
except it makes fart noises.
[Fart noise]
This is amazing!
I'm gonna set an alarm
for tomorrow morning!
[Fart noises]
Ha ha!
That last one was me!
'Sup?
[thinking]
Roger: I know that guy.
Is that the guy
who works at Panera Bread?
No, no.
That guy died.
Oh, wait. That's Jeff!
I sent him into space.
I wonder if he remembers that.
God, I could go for a panera.
Oh, "Kate & Leopold."
Hi, Jeff.
I still can't belive you're back.
I feel like when you left,
my whole life got put on pause.
A-And now I get to un-pause it.
And I'd like to start by smoking a bowl
and un-pausing
"Transformers: Dark of the Moon,"
the movie we paused
right before you left
and our lives were put on pause.
I'd love to catch up
with Bumblebee and the gang,
but I don't smoke anymore.
What?
Wait, I'm sorry. Huh?
Look, Hayley.
I meant what I told your family.
- I wanna be a better man.
- But pot's basically legal.
Prop 87 said cops have to be
super-chill about it now.
Ooh, I know.
How about a little mood music?
[Jam band music playing]
- Oh, god. What is this?
- It's your favorite jam band ... Fish.
I-I can't make out to this.
There's no song structure.
The drummer's just waiting for
the guitarist to do something.
Okay.
How about this song, then?
[Jam band music playing]
Are we gonna [bleep] or what?
Snot let me borrow his hamster
while he's at Jewish camp.
[chuckles] I'm so excited
to take care of him.
For the hamster's sake,
I hope you do a better job
of taking care of him
than you do of me.
- You're not my pet, Klaus.
- Well, why not, Steve?! Why not?!
Klaus wants a teenage boy
to take care of him?
I guess you can take the brain
out of a German,
but you can't take the German
out of a brain.
[Laughter]
Ooh, Jeff.
Burning Klaus.
I hope you like your fish blackened.
I told you space changed me.
It opened my eyes.
And one of the things
I realized up there
was what a great role model you are.
- Me?
- Him?
You have a job,
you provide for your family,
you're a productive member of society.
Wow.
You really know your stuff.
I was hoping you could help me
learn to be a real man,
- Mr. S., like you.
- Jeff, can I just say
I am loving the new you.
And I would love to take the new
you to the new Fro-Yo place
that opened right after
Roger threw you into space.
Look at that.
I made Jeff better.
I guess that's just what Roger
does, makes things better.
[Shatter!]
This is mine. I brought this.
Dad, can I go with you?
I love that place.
Sorry, Steve. Three people
make for a weird dynamic.
Two people always turn against one.
- But, dad ...
- You'd be the one, Steve.
- Look, it's already happening. Jeff?
- I'd love to go.
I just have to go upstairs
to, um, take care of something.
Does Jeff seem a little weird
to you guys since he got back?
Like, a little different?
- Hell yeah! He's better.
- Way better.
If I were you, Hayley,
I'd lock that down.
- Mom, we're already married.
- I mean lock it down for real.
Rings catch girls.
Babies trap boys.
[Keyboard clacking]
Zebleer to mother ship.
Greetings, Zebleer.
Please update mission status.
The mission continues
as planned, brother.
The simpleminded earthlings
suspect nothing.
Good. Have you found
an acceptable specimen?
Yes, an alpha male with a job ...
the exact opposite of our first
earthling. I will earn his trust
and then transport him
to the mother ship.
Ever wonder why we don't
call it a father ship?
Are you working on material
for that stand-up thing
you invited us to?
No. No, no, no, no.
So, Andromedan pod monsters be shopping.
I've initiated contact with
the host familly
and have three Earth specimens
ready to Blorph.
We are ready for your Blorph.
First item is fork.
[Fork grinds]
Next item is spoon.
[Spoon grinds]
And now hamster.
[Hamster grinds]
[chitters]
Oh, my god!
How could you send a living
animal through the Blorpher...
without warning me he'd be so cute?!
Excellent work, Zebleer.
Blorphs received.
End transmission.
[Sighs] "Blorph."
We have got to come up
with a different name
for the Blorph machine.
- I feel so stupid saying "Blorph."
- Well, you'll have to take that up
with the inventor of the Blorph,
Dr. Blorph McBlorph-Blorph.
Whoo!
Aw, man. Nice slide!
You were going so fast.
- Hey, babe, we'll be back soon.
- Okay, but real quick,
why are you so eager
to hang out with my dad?
- He's cool.
- Face!
Has anyone seen Snot's hamster?
No time to care about
your hamster, Steve.
I'm taking Jeff to your
favorite Fro-Yo place.
[Sighs] Okay, I know I should
be happy that Jeff's back,
but something just doesn't feel right.
You mean because he's an alien
who altered his appearance
- to look like Jeff?
- What?!
Oh, I thought we all knew and
we were just going along with it
'cause he's so much better
than the actual Jeff.
Did you guys really not know?!
[Chuckling]
Oh! Oh, that is so great.
You're saying that's not Jeff?
Oh, no. Honey, no.
That is definitely not Jeff.
Only question is,
what is this alien doing here?
We'll have to investigate.
Ooh! Detective time!
Outfit change!
Ooga-booga!
Me hate fire!
Open your mind, Hayley.
Anyone can be a detective.
Mm-mmm. Wow.
This has got to be
the best thing on the planet.
Oh, yeah, it's one of the finer
things a man can enjoy in life,
like driving with your knees
or shooting your name into an
old metal sign with a handgun.
I never even shot a handgun.
[Tires screech, horns honk]
We're changing that.
We're changing that right now.
But where?
[Gunshots]
[Giggles]
Okay, let's see how you did.
"Zebleer"?
No, doofus, you were
supposed to spell your name.
- Oh, right. My name's Jeff.
- No problem, Jeff.
You emptied the clip and hit the sign,
which means your only problem
is spelling.
Good thing that's easily fixable
with a second gun.
Well, you spelled "Zebleer" again.
[Birds chirping]
Okay, clues...
- Oh! A Blorpher!
- What's that?
Works kind of like a fax machine
but for solid objects.
Humans would probably
have something like this
if they hadn't abandoned
facsimile technology.
I still have a fax machine,
but it's just so
my commercial agent
can send me sides for auditions.
Did I tell you I'm on hold for
a Langley Mutual commercial?
Roger!
What does all this mean?
It means it's between me
and like one other person.
It's probably this guy ... Brad.
He books everything.
[Sighs]
No, the Blorpher! Jeff!
Oh, it means that the "Jeff"
who is with Stan
is a species of alien called
the Collectors.
They're kind of like
space's zookeepers.
Then where's my Jeff?
They probably have a research
ship in orbit. He'll be up there.
A-And this machine
can get me to him?
Look, if you go up there,
- there's no guarantee you'll come back.
- I don't care.
I'd rather die up there,
trying to get Jeff,
- than stay down here without him.
- Okay.
I think I'm finally
starting to understand
what it feels like to be a man.
Thanks again for showing me
how to shoot.
Where I come from, we're
expected to figure everything
- out on our own.
- [Chuckles] Where you come from?
Ha, you're from Langley, ya goofball.
Man, you used to confuse
the hell out of me
with your stupid jokes
I didn't understand.
But since you've come
back, you are killing
me with all these jokes
I don't understand.
[Cellphone rings, beeps]
Smith.
Ah, damn. We just went!
Couple of my homeboys
from the C.I.A.
- are hitting up the Fro-Yo stand.
- What if we went back
and got some more,
double dipped?
I don't know what happened
to you out there in the
frozen void of space, but you
came back a goddamn genius.
Hayley: Aah!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
It hurts! Oh, god!
Relax. All the pain immediately
stops on the other side.
What are you doing?
You're coming with me!
No, I'm not. Let go.
Hayley! Let go, Hayley!
Yep, this is a deep pain ...
a very, very deep pain.
[Grinding]
[Alarm beeps]
The Blorph alert?
This is strange.
This is the nighttime, a time we
don't normally receive Blorphs.
Uh, um, mmm.
Oh, man. I'm out.
No, you're not.
Hold out your cup.
All: Fro-Yo bros!
You would all share
your bounty with me?
All we're doing is sacrificing
a little frozen yogurt
- for our new best friend.
- Wow.
Mankind has a surprising
proclivity for sacrifice.
Why did you say "mankind" like that?
Yeah. Nobody that's
part of mankind
would ever say "mankind" like that.
Uh, I guess I used to be
such a slacker that I'm still
learning to speak like a cool,
responsible human like you guys.
[Laughs]
[Laughter]
[All laugh]
[Totally all laugh]
[Whirring]
Ugh.
Not cool.
This is not cool.
I'm on hold for Langley Mutual, Hayley.
I'm not supposed to leave town.
God, they're gonna move on to Brad.
Mother...
Ugh. Brad's gonna get it.
So, no game plan?
Just gonna run through an alien ship?
[Bird chirps]
Did you know Jacques Cousteau
had a sex room just like this?
[Animals chittering]
Hayley!
Hayley Smith, right?
Who are you,
and how do you know my name?
You don't recognize Sinbad
from "Houseguest"?
He beat Dennis Miller
on "Star Search."
What are the schools
even teaching these days?
Hayley, I recognize you
because I was with Jeff
when we got caught
by these aliens.
You were with Jeff?
Where is he?
Oh, you are in luck.
He's right there.
Hmm. "You're in luck" may have
been a bad choice of words.
Oh, god. Jeff!
You know what I'm just
remembering right now?
When the collectors encounter
something new, they dissect it.
Can't believe I forgot that.
It's, like, their most famous thing.
That's why they're called
the Dissectors.
You said they were called
the Collectors.
Oh, they are now.
They used to be the Dissectors.
Did a bit of rebrand in the '80s.
Same people who did new Coke.
[Sobbing]
Ah, look at this.
More species for our collection.
- Seize them!
- Hayley, run! [Thuds]
I looked everywhere for Snot's
hamster and I can't find it.
Maybe it's time to focus
on the pet you can find.
You know, in Germany,
goldfish are considered
the hamsters of the sea.
Hmm.
I know you're lying,
but maybe you're right, Klaus.
Check it out! I'm taking small bites
- to make it last longer.
- Me, too!
Mmm.
I'm pretending
I'm a little baby mouse.
That's so smart!
[Nibbles]
[Beeping]
Uh-oh.
Mr. S., I have to tell you something.
There's a reason I'm so much
different from when I left Earth.
I'm not actually Jeff.
I'm not even human.
- I'm following. Continue.
- My people came across the real Jeff
and the ghost of Sinbad
traveling the galaxy.
- Uh-huh. Go on.
- My species are Collectors.
For eons,
we have traveled the universe
trying to gather, collect,
- and catalog what we find.
- Naturally.
We had never encountered a human before,
so it was decided that
I would travel back to Earth
disguised as Jeff to collect
more information about humanity.
- Well, you came to the right place.
- And Jeff told me everything
I needed to know to blend in.
So I came to Earth to live amongst you.
I was supposed to bring you back
to the ship for dissection,
- but I grew fond of you.
- Ditto.
But there's something
you should know.
- The real Jeff is dead.
- Good.
Fingers crossed you feel the same way
- about your daughter.
- What?!
She went to rescue Jeff, and now
they're gonna dissect her, too.
Get me to that ship!
Something tells me
this isn't hair removal!
What ... nothing?
I'm trying to keep it light here.
- Stan: Stop right there!
- Dad!
Brothers, we must stop the collection.
- Hubbub, hubbub.
- Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
- Hubbub, hubbub.
- Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
We can't kill her.
- She's important to this man here.
- Hey there.
And he's important to me
because he taught me
what it is to be Human.
They love. They laugh.
They take prescription medication
to help them love and laugh.
Humans may do all those
wonderful things,
- But we must collect.
- Perhaps this will change your mind.
It's called Fro-Yo, and
it's proof of mankind's value.
This is delicious.
In return for giving us
this savory cosmic treat,
I will spare the lives of your
human and your alien sex slave.
Stan, what did you tell him?
We did it!
I'm so glad everyone's okay.
Not everyone.
Hayley, don't be sad.
Alien Jeff is gonna stay on Earth
and be the new Jeff.
So you get Jeff back, and I get
to hang out with my new bud.
I don't want him.
But I'm an exact replica
of the Jeff you lost.
You may be Jeff on the outside,
but you're not Jeff up here.
Look, Hayley,
I know how much you love Jeff,
but there's no bringing him back.
If there was a way,
I-I'd do it for you.
- Except there is a way.
- I won't do it for you.
I can't.
My hands are tied.
I will have Jeff's brain
implanted in my head,
which means I will die,
but Jeff will live on in my body.
You would do that?
Back on Earth,
your dad and his friends
made a sacrifice by giving me
their frozen yogurt,
and now I will make a sacrifice
of my own!
Whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down there.
- It was just a little Fro-Yo.
- No, the gestures are equal.
The universe is in balance.
Thanks for watching my hamster
while I was away.
- So, where is he?
- Right here.
And good news ...
I taught him to swim
and hold his breath
for the rest of his life.
I can't wait to tell you
about Jewish camp.
Wait. You came
back from Jewish camp?
It'll feel so good to have
Jeff back ... the real Jeff.
Oh, god!
I'll never forget you, alien Jeff!
Actually, you will.
The Collectors said this ship is equipped
with "Men in black" technology.
It was weird that they
referred to it as
"Men in black" technology, right?
Like, did they get the idea
from the movie
and then set out to create it?
And how did they see "Men in black"?
So many questions.
Anyway, you won't remember
any of this, but I will.
- How?
- I'm immune ... space stuff.
So, a-after we leave the ship,
- none us will know Jeff's an alien?
- Nope, not even Jeff.
But what if he has, like,
a-a medical emergency
- and we have to ...
- Why don't we just wait and see?
Okay? Can we do that?
Can we wait and see?
Why don't we just do that?
- Babe? You found me!
- Jeff!
- I love you!
- I love you, too, babe.
And, babe, I did a lot
of thinking in space,
and I decided that,
if we ever have a kid,
I'm willing to be
a stay-at-home dad.
And you don't have to work, either.
We can stay at your parents' house
and live off the government.
- Oh, god.
- Oh, hey, Mr. S.
Well, since no one's
gonna remember this...
- B-B-B-Body slam!
- Aah!
We had a lot of fun here
on American Dad tonight
but we also encountered
a lot of danger ...
guns, dissection, meteors.
Really makes you think
that you should be prepared.
Hi. I'm Brad for
Langley Mutual Life insurance.
Maybe it's time to make sure
you're prepared
if something bad happens.
I know I am.
Langley Mutual!
♪ Langley Mutual ♪
♪ We don't cover floods ♪
Bye! Have a beautifull day!