American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 12 - The Shrink - full transcript

You know what?
I was afraid of it,

I put it off
for years and years,

but I'm pretty glad
I tried Italian food.

Even though it's adding
45 minutes each way,

it's neat
to take the train to lunch.

Neat? I ride the train
because I can't afford a car.

Look at me!
I'm next to this train man now.

Take a picture of us
looking sad together.

My 3:30 meeting!

Where is this train?

It's late!
That's part of the fun!



I got to grab a cab.

Excuse me, sir, would you mind
if we took your taxi?

We're a sweet,
young newlywed couple,

and we kind of expect the world
to give us things.

Good lord,
you're so cute together!

Get in there, you cuties!

Good luck with everything.

You see that cab in front of us?
I gave it to that young couple.

You're a good man.
So, you want me to follow 'em?

I do...
but there's no time.

Oh, man, that woulda been you!

You lucky dog.

Oh, God!
Oh, man!

Now I'm having a heart attack,
and you're not! Aah!



You...lucky...dog.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

Smith, your face!
What's wrong?

Oh. Are you still
thinking about

the people incinerated
in that cab

and how it could've been --
nay, should have -- been you?

Oh, poo.
It was way earlier today.

Get over it, you big baby.
You know what?

I'm sending you to
the C.I.A. therapist -- Dr. Ray.

Isn't therapy more
for...crazy people?

Exclusively!
You psycho.

Therapy? I don't need therapy.
I lived when I should have died.

So what?

Just goes to show,
you never know.

Exactly.
I-it's like that skydiver

whose parachute came detached,

and then he fell in the swamp
and died,

and his parachute ended up
landing at this school,

but they'd already bought a
parachute for their gym class,

so they ended up
with two parachutes.

They only needed one.

Jesus!

And you're not
safe at home, either.

I heard about this one lady who put her
electric blanket in the washing machine,

and then it got stuck, and then
she climbed in after it.

So, a-anyway, she drowned.

Nothing she could have done,
though.

Sometimes you're looking left

when you should be looking right.
I know!

I was buying groceries today,

and my coupons
had somehow expired.

Madness! All is madness!

They let me use them, though,
'cause I go there a lot.

And they know I'll throw a fit.

I mean, I've seen death
before -- tons of times.

It -- it didn't bother me.

This just felt so...
random.

Would you have felt better
if this couple had, say, died

at your hands?
Oh, so much.

Well, we can't bring them back
for you to take away.

They're gone.

But a lot of my patients find
palpating small, soft animals

gives them a sense
of well-being.

He's a little cold.

This bunny has died.

That was terrible.

Why, uh...
why is everything terrible?

Ah. Okay. Okay.

Are you familiar
with chaos theory?

Carnival cruise line's award-
winning hip-hop dance troupe?

Yes.

Give me your hand.

Now, if I put a second drop
in the same spot,

which way will it go?

The same way?

Ow!
That drop was acid.

That's chaos theory.
Well, I don't like it!

Because you feel powerless
and out of control.

Tell me, have you ever worked
with miniatures before?

They can be a wonderful way
to restore a sense of order

amidst the chaos of life.

What am I supposed to do
with them?

Anything.
You're in control here.

Could I put them here?

Or even...there?

Wherever.

This is ridiculous.

They obviously belong
in a train-yard set.

And this guy needs a hat.
There we go.

This will make me feel better?

It will.
It really will.

And I don't say that just because I
own shares in a figurine company.

Although that reminds me,

you must use
Thompson brand miniatures.

Any other brand
will damage your brain.

It'll make you sick.

That was the most mortifying
wine-tasting party of my life.

Beyond mortifying.

You swore that gewuerztraminer
wasn't a real wine.

I called everyone liars!

I set fire to the bed
with all the coats on it!

Gewuerztraminer doesn't mean
anything in German!

Well, I guess literally
it means "spiced grape,"

but it's like, "What?
That's nonsense."

We can never show our faces
at another one

of James and Barbra's
wine-tasting parties.

Wrong. We are gonna
become wine experts.

Ahh, go the other way with it --
learn something about wine.

Then we'll bury
our idiot friends

with how many flavors
we can notice.

We'll become the classiest winos
in all of Langley Falls.

To celebrate, let's polish off
this box of wine.

To sophistication!

Oh, mama, that is tiny.

You got another package, Stan.

Look, Francine, it's our house!

I finally did the gutters like
you've been hounding me about

for six years!

Well, your facial tic is gone.

Is this helping you feel better?
Oh, yeah.

I've finally come to accept

that I can't control
the world out there.

But this...
this is perfect.

Okay.

Because you've been
missing work,

and, well, it's been
a lot of packages.

The U.P.S. guy started making
jokes about it -- good jokes.

I think he might want to
have an affair.

Well, he has his thing,
and I have mine.

Look! It's our mailbox!

Stan? Honey?

Oh, my God.

I had no idea it was so much.

Now I know why
we haven't been having sex.

And why we won't be having sex.

This is a bit of a turnoff.

At least he went into work.

Ah, a plastic book --
always halfway through.

Beautiful morning, as always.

Timmy, did you throw my paper
in the bushes again?

You little so and so!

If he keeps doing this,
I'm gonna be mad for real.

Hello, constable George.
Hello, grocer Joe.

Some would say that you're
just the constable model

with a different paint job,

but I know you're a separate,
unique person.

♪ As he walks beneath
the lamplight sun ♪

♪ with a toothpick as a cane ♪

♪ you can hear the girls
exclaim ♪

♪ Is that man insane? ♪

♪ No!
He'll live a lie but never die ♪

♪ and that's a truth
you can't deny ♪

♪ he's the man that built
the world in his basement ♪

What happened here?

Hmm.

Aah! Sorry, pal,
but there's no room in this town

for anything
dangerously unbalanced!

That's better.
Everything's under control.

Ahh, the trade winds.

Dad? Dad?

Huh.
I guess he's...not here.

Outta the way!

I'm the garbage man!
Gimme ya trash, ya losers!

I'm in the union, and my pension
is bankrupting the city!

Everyone talks about how rich
I am, but they have no idea.

I hope
you don't think me forward

if I tell you you're lovely.

Oh, you!

May I steal
a peck on the cheek?

I'll let you hold my hand.

And this guy
here is bangin' a dog!

Steve!
You're killing me!

Oh, my God!

What was that?

Ah, it's just Steve running
from something terrifying.

Come on, focus.
Let's do this wine.

It's a softball.
It's made to be gotten.

Work the grid, bro.

Nose is clean.

Lemon peel,
dried rosebuds,

burnt crinoline...

...marzipan, cherry, peppery in
the back -- no, wait, the front.

I'm picking up something green.

Not sure if it's olives
or watermelon?

Or a snake?

Here we go.
This wine is a new-world wine.

This wine is from California.
This wine is central coast.

This wine is a Petit Sirah.

This wine is from a high-quality
producer, and it's 2008.

It's milk.

Oh, milk! Of course.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

How did you even get in there?

Wasn't easy.
To get up to the table,

I had to build a pretty
sophisticated elevator

using an ingenious system
of counterweights

based on something I saw
in Da Vinci's Diaries.

No, I mean how did you
get to be so small?

Um, a shrink ray, uh-doy.

Why?

Because the outside world
is flawed and chaotic.

But down here, it's perfect.

I've thought
of absolutely everything.

Well, it's absolutely crazy.

I'm gonna make you big again
right now.

No! No, no! You don't know
how to operate it!

If you do it
even slightly wrong,

I'll end up 6'2", and I'll
have to go into modeling.

Okay, I'm gonna fine-tune
the angstroms,

bring the frequency
way, way down,

then you guys are gonna push
this button right here.

But before that --
double-cross!

The double-cross!

Damn it, Stan!

I know, right? Hurry over
to my Da Vinci elevator.

You're gonna love it.

Uhp,
I should probably clarify --

it's not the Da Vinci
you're thinking of.

It's Leonardo Da Vinci, not Ron
Da Vinci of Da Vinci Cadillac.

Stan, not the shrink ray!

But we need that.

No, my sweet family.

Everything we need
is right here.

I've taken all the fear
and randomness of the world

and shrunk away from it.

Oh, there are
so many wonderful things

I want to show you,
though your presence

does introduce
a host of chaotic variables.

I may wind up having to
contain you somehow.

What's that?

For the moment,
please enjoy unlimited access...

with certain limitations.

Stan, get us down
to that machine

and unshrink us immediately.

Hold up. Wait till
you've seen everything.

And if you still don't like it
here, I'll make us big again.

I'll make us 1,000 feet tall
if that's what you want.

Normal size would be fine.

Make up your mind.

Like every good walking tour,

this one starts
with the post office.

It's just like the regular
post office, only no long lines!

Oh, dad.

Francine, recognize the shade
on this red zone here?

I used your nail polish!
Oh, hey, Rita.

You do know these aren't
real people, right, Stan?

They're Thompson brand.
They're better than real.

So, are we lovin' it?

It's certainly...
consumed you.

I love that you love it.
I love us right now.

♪ Red, red wine ♪

It's Roger!
Roger, save us!

♪ Red, red wine, you make me feel so fine ♪

♪ monkey pack him rizla
pon the sweet dep line ♪

♪ red, red wine, you give me
whole heap of zing ♪

♪ whole heap of zing,
make me do me own thing ♪

Oh, this is salvageable.

Right here!
Over here!

Roger, no! Come back!

Whoa, whoa.
Was I not reading you right?

You want to leave? Well,
you're not giving it a chance.

There are lots of fun things
to do here.

Like what?

You look like a sporty bunch.

Who's up for
a little ice-skating?

Ice-skating in July?

That would be
the most remarkable thing

that's happened today.

You'll see.
You'll all see.

This is a magical place
where nothing can ever hurt us.

This dude can skate!

Aah!

Well, hello.

Oh. Right.
It's just a doll.

You're right, she is a doll --
a real angel.

She is beauty, uh, uh, full.

Uh, I-I-I-I feel tongue-tied
and a little headache-y.

That's infatuation, son.

Also, we're on a big magnet
right now.

It's affecting
your speech centers.

How about you take your friend
to see a show

at the Bijou Theater?

I put my iPad inside.

It's playing "Welcome to
the Dollhouse" on loop.

Seemed like a funny idea,
'cause, you know.

But that movie
was not what I expected.

I don't recommend it.

Wow, how did you
make the band shell?

It looks like maybe a series
of painted yogurt lids

nested into concentric circles?

Huh.
That's a great idea.

I just shrunk down
a real band shell

and stole it like Lex Luthor.

What are these bushes?
My topiaries?

They're these peculiar
little plants I found

inside an altoids tin
under the water heater.

Hayley, are you all right?

Leave me alone.
I love it here.

See, Francine?
The kids love it here.

But we can't stay.

We -- we don't even
have any food.

We're gonna need food!

I'll take you.
We got plenty of food.

Don't you smell it?

You can always count on the ol'
Zephyr dream to be on time.

I set her speed to seven,
and she does not fail me.

Now get ready,
'cause we have to jump on.

It doesn't stop?

Uh, you can't program a toy
train to make stops, Francine.

I mean, I guess you can,
but I-I didn't want to be

one of those guys
who gets too into miniatures.

My God, Stan.
It's beautiful.

See that dam?

There's a lake behind it where
we get our drinking water --

my secret blend of half dasani,
half downstairs bathroom.

What is that?
Oh, that?

That's just Food Mountain!

And what are we
trudging through?

Double-whipped mashed potatoes
next to a ridge of ground beef,

atop a bedrock
of peas and carrots.

Mmm, delicious.

And look --
it's the 6:00 sunset.

I'm kind of getting
why you love it so much.

There's everything
we need here --

food, electricity,
safe and fun giant ants.

What?

Why?! Why are they drawn
to Food Mountain?!

What's happening?!
I didn't plan for this!

We have to
get to the shrink ray!

It's our only way out!

Oh, thank God
you've come to your senses.

In the basement
of our model house,

I've built an even smaller,
more miniature town.

We've got to shrink
one more time!

Dr. Ray!

Stan. When I saw
that the shrink ray

had been checked out at work,
I left immediately.

I shrank down before I started
the drive over, though,

which was a mistake.

But I had the device.
How'd you get small?

They don't call me
"The Shrink Ray"

because my name is Ray
and I'm a shrink.

Do they?

In any case, I came with answers
and solutions.

Tell me!
Tell me your solutions!

Get on!

It's complete chaos, Francine!

Stan, you can't control it.

Bad things
are always gonna happen.

Oh, God, I knew it.

Wait. There's more.

Uh, get to it.
Say the thing.

But you can control what you do
after those bad things happen.

And the best part of it is
you don't have to do it alone.

Who's gonna help me -- Dr. Ray?
He's dead.

We'll help you.

Your family.
Right.

Whatever the world
throws at me...

I can use my family to block it.

I've got it!

We're gonna get the shrink ray?
There's no time.

We've got to crash the train
into the dam and flood the town.

Kids! I need you
to turn off the clock tower

and then get to high ground!

You might recognize it
as the clock tower

from "Back to the Future."

Well, almost that clock tower.

It's just different enough.

The people at Thompson
know how to play the game.

Okay!

Steve,
I know this is a long shot.

I know, I know,
I know, I know it.

But...do you have
a chocolate lava cake on you?

Okay, when the kids
turn off the clock tower,

there'll be more power
for the train.

Now, this might sound insane,

but you're going to
turn the speed up to 10.

10?
Can the system take it?

I don't know.

But it's like I've been saying
since you just told me it --

sometimes you got to
take a chance.

It's not working.

Whoa.
Jump jumparoo!

May God have mercy.

Come on, Francine.

There's the juice!

Frankly, my ants,
I don't give a -- dam!

Shit.

A bug-sized Stan.

And yet I don't remember
doing ether.

But, then again,
that's ether's signature move.

Roger! See the ants?

You have to smash the dam
to flood the town

and save Francine and the kids.

Don't you want to
hear about my return

to the wine-tasting party?
No!

Well, we went,
but it was the wrong night.

Then we found James in bed
with Barbra's sister,

so it was kind of
the right night.

Now, let's smash this dam.

Actually,
now that we're all safe,

you don't need to
smash the --

Dam you to hell, you dyke!

Good bye, tiny fake world,

and actually dead Dr. Ray.

It may all be gone,

but with you guys by my side,

I'm gonna be okay.

Hey, gang, look, I just don't think
I can pass up this opportunity.

Into my body you go!