American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Not Particularly Desperate Housewife - full transcript

- Francine, it's 5:58!

- Two-minute dinnerwarning.
- Dad, you can't treat Mom like a-

- Sorry, Hayley, my finger slipped.

- I said you can't just-

That's odd.
I guess this'll just have to wait...

- until I don't have an air horn in my hand.
- Fine!

Stifle myvoice,
butyou can't stifle my thoughts.

- Ooh, a secret diary! Let me see!
- Hey, this is private!

There was a very famous
Jewish girl who kept a diary.

It... ended badly.

But enough about Fran Drescher.



You thought I was making a Holocaust joke!
Shame on you!

Damn it, Roger!
I've told you a million times!

- No smoking in the house!
- And I told you it's menthol.

So it's healthierthan an apple.

- Dinner is served.
- What the hell is that?

- It's lasagna.
- Lasagna is Thursday night.
Tuesday is casserole night.

Havewe lost two days?

- Did my experiment work?

No. I just wanted
to try something different.

We will not be eating
Thursday dinner on a Tuesday.

This meal is canceled!

- So did you throw out the lasagna?
- No.

I just have to find a way to
make it taste fresh on Thursday.

But tonight
is LeftoverWednesday.



So I have to make a casserole
that tastes like I made ityesterday.

If I stay in this rut...

it won't be long until it's
Head-ln-The-Oven Friday.

Linda, look! It's the Ladybugs!

Wow! For housewives,
those Ladybugs really have it all.

A fast-lane life
anda slow-motion walk.

Ugh. They're snobs, Francine.

- A girl would have to be pretty
desperate to wanna associate-
- Christie!

Remember me?
Francine.

Ohh, how I wish I could
peel offyour skin, put it on and beyou.

I mean, hi.

Oh, Francine! No time to think of
an excuse to not chat with you.

The Ladybugs and I are buying crudit?s
for a charity art auction tonight at Boo!

- Ah!
- That's the name ofthe gallery.

- Ah?
- No, Boo!

- Ah!
- Ugh, please.

- Doyou even know what an art gallery is?
- To be fair, Casey...

galleries rarely advertise
in the PennySaver.

Hey, Linda.
Wanna go to that art auction?

We can't.
It's our biweekly puzzle night.

We are this close to finishing
that covered bridge.

- But wouldn't it be fun to mix it up a little?
- You're right.

Let's do the rest ofthe puzzle
without looking at the box!

Flying blind!
Whoo!

- Move along. Nothing to see here.

Just a woman crushed to death
by a runaway train of shopping carts.

Huh.
Or is that something to see?

What shall we do about the dog?
Turn it over to her next ofkin?

- Seems like a lot of paperwork.
- No, stop!

I'll take that dead woman's dog.

Finally, I have someone
to play Frisbee with.

Good dog!

Ach! Hayley's diary is delicious.

Listen to this.
"I've been so busy studying feminist theory...

"I've never stopped to ask
the most important question ofall-

- 'Am I pretty enough for a man?"'
- She has feelings!

- What areyou doing?
- Hayley, good. You're here.

- I caught Steve red-handed.
- Why, you-

Look, I'm just reaching out toyou.

Is it so wrong for me to want
to get to know my own sister?

And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz
a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

- Let me out!

- What ifl have to pee?

No. No, no. No!

I love these lazy afternoons
on the couch with you.

- What the hell is that?

This is Fussy.
His ownerwas killed, and he needs a home.

No way, Francine!
We're Smiths. And Smiths have manly dogs.

This dog couldn't be any more effeminate,
even ifit had 20 vaginas.

And then it would
just be a freakish mutant...

or a beautiful symbol offertility.

- But-
- Forget it, Francine.

We already have something girlie and
annoying in this house. It's called Roger.

All right, fine. But ifyou don't wanna
keep him, you have to find him a home.

- Got it.
- Heaven doesn't count.

Oh, fine.

- Hey! I need that to shoot people!

- Oh, for the love-You're holding it all wrong.

Welcome back to A.M. Pet Party.
Thanks forwaking up with us.

I'm glad we're not the only ones up
at this ungodly hour.

Hey, this show is gonna pay off
our kitchen counters.

You mean your kitchen counters?
I wanted granite.

Anyway, today Stan Smith is trying
to find a new home for his little friend.

- That's right. This is Fussy.
- Has he had his shots?

- Sure, why not?
- Well, hello, handsome. Aren'tyou a sweet-

- Aaah! Oh, God!

- No! Don't useyour teeth! He hates that!
- Ohh! Ohh!

- Whoo-ooh, ooh-ooh.
- Well, this worked out. See ya.

Francine,
why are you dressed so nice?

Those chicks from The View aren't gonna
burst in here and give me a TV makeover, are they?

I'm going to an art gallery.

I'm trying to make a good impression
on the Ladybugs.

So, no makeover?

Ifthey like me,
it's good-bye boring routine...

hello exciting charity events...

social functions and book clubs...

where we just get drunk and complain
about our husbands' lack ofinterest.

What now? I'm sorry.
I wasn't paying attention.

Not- Not even a little.

- So, you survived the perils ofthe urban jungle...

madeyourway back
toyour master...

and apparently taughtyourself
to use the doorbell.

Impressive.
You've earned a warrior's death.

Yuck. I gotta clean up my orifices.
They're all gunked up.

- Stan, where is your toothbrush?
- Damn it, Roger!

- I'm sick ofyou and your disgusting habits!

Arrgh! Not my butt! Arrgh!

Uh, smart dog.
Change of plans- Fussy stays.

Oh, shame to waste this.
Well, I suppose there's always eBay.

Yes. I'll kill the enemies
l made on eBay.

- Hello. Welcome to Boo!

Miss!
Your ticket!

You can do this, Francine.
You know a lot about art.

There they are.

- Miss, uh, you forgotyourvalet ticket.

Oh!

My dress!
I'll never impress the Ladybugs now.

There goes my one chance
to spice up my life.

Please don't tell my boss, ma'am.
I really need this job.

I am so poor I cannot even afford
pants with a zipper that stays up.

And please don't tell anyone
we have cockfights here.

Well your cock really did
a number on my hair.

- Francine!

It seems you have more
in common with us than we thought.

- I do?
- The real reason we Ladybugs get together...

is to compare notes on our affairs.

I'm sleeping
with my tennis pro, my gardener...

and I'm letting the neighbor boy
watch when I go to the bathroom.

And you're
clearly doing the valet.

Oh. Oh, n-no. I-

You are having an affair,
aren'tyou, sweetie?

Yes!
I am cheating on my husband!

Welcome to the Ladybugs.

Well, Christie, Hector can't buy
me diamonds on his valet salary.

But he makes up for it in otherways.

Oh, yeah.
Like a horse.

He loves carrots.
Um, sure.

I can bring
some love letters to our lunch.

- Okay. Toodles.

Hmm.
"My darling, Francine.

"l can't stop thinking about
our hot romantic weekend in...

- Epcot Center."
- Morning!

- No, I'm not writing anything.
- Oh, there's the newspaper.

Fussy loves "The Boondocks."

- It's really the only thing we fight about.
- Hey, dumb ass!

- Where are the chips?
- I spent your snack budget on Fussy's treats.

- Arrgh! Arrghhh!

- I love you, Fussy.

Let me out, or I'll rip up allyour clothes!

Go ahead! Ifyou haven't noticed,
l only wear this one outfit.

Ifwe stay in
here any longer, I'll go mad.

- Mad, I tell you!
- Pull yourselftogether, man!

We still have hope.
And they can't touch that.

Klaus, doyou know how long
it's been since I've seen a woman?

You've got a prettymouth.

This place is so fancy.

Okay, ladies. Show-and-tell.

Hector's underwear.

He had to leave them behind
when Stan came home early one day.

My husband is always
coming early.

Okay, next we have some flowers,
some love letters he wrote...

this oven mitt...

that he won in a sex contest.

I think it's clear
who this week's winner is.

- Brava, Francine.
- I'll try to keep doin' ya proud.

Sweetie, ifyou're gonna
keep doing anything...

- it should be that valet ofyours.

- Well, you know, I-

- They've sm uggled a nuclear
weapon into our country and-
- Hey, everyone.

Sorry we're late.
Fussy had to make a sissy tinkle.

- Smith, I have a mission foryou-

The most exciting mission
ofyour career.

- Sorry, sir. It wouldn't be responsible...

to take risks now that
l have someone who depends on me.

- Your family?
- Sure, sure. Send them.

- I love it!
- Francine.

Linda.
Sorry I missed our puzzle night.

- I- I was, um-
- Puzzles?

What areyou, a baby?

A babywhose nanny
dresses her like crap.

- Francine?

Oh, okay. I get it.

By the way, under that
covered bridge in our puzzle-

There was a family of ducks.

I just thoughtyou'd wanna know.

Of course.
Thoseyellow pieces!

- Linda, wait!
- Forget her.

Nowyou need an outfit, honey. 'Cause we're
going clubbing with our boy toys tonight.

Soyou had better bring
yourval-la-la-la-la-la-lay.

Myvalet.
Uh, right.

- I farted.

Not a Frito, not a Newton.
Neither Fiddle nor Faddle.

What's this? Lady Barkingston's
Bacon-Flavored Dog Scones?

- Oh, God!

The gypsywas right.
This is how it ends.

Oh, now that I smell
like bacon, you like me, huh?

Wait. I can use this
to screw with Stan.

- Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Little bastard.

Okay, calm down.
It's not cheating. It's just acting.

Acting's not that hard.
Ren?e Zellwegerjust makes it look hard.

- Francine, haveyou seen
my darling little num-num-num?
- No, I haven't.

- Bye. I'm going out.
- What's this?

"My darling, Francine. I can't stop thinking
about our hot romantic weekend."

You're cheating on me!

Stan, I can explain.

Fussy, how could you?
And with this!

Ooh.

Look at me. I've given myself
a whore's bath with your dog.

Come near him again,
l swear to God, I'll kill you.

- I want out ofthe Ladybugs.

- I'm sorry, girls.

But I was never
even having an affair.

But don't worry. I'll keepyour secrets.

You have dirt on us.
We need dirt on you.

You have 24 hours to bed another man,
or there will be serious consequences.

We wouldn't wantyou to end up
like poor Anne Fleming.

Anne Flemming.
Herewe go.

Doyou mind?
I'm doing important research!

Some people.

Hmm.

- You're being generous, Marvin.

Okay.
I'm safe in this house.

The Ladybugs can't
get to me in here.

That's funny.
I've never burned a shirt before.

Oh, my God!

They replaced my cumin with coriander!

- Leave me alone!

As you can see, we can get to you,
your family and your seasonings.

Think about that ifyou're considering
not cheating on Stan.

Oh, and, Francine,
I'd skip vacuuming today.

- Roger, no!

- Roger!

Stan, help me.

I've been faking an affair
to impress the Ladybugs.

They found out I was lying,
and now they're trying to kill me.

A cult of murderous housewives.

Before 9/1 1,
l wouldn't have believed it.

Or at least I'd askyou
some follow-up questions.

But that's just not
the world we live in anymore.

I'm so sorry I pretended
to cheat on you.

I don't know what to do!

Don't worry. I'll protectyou.

You and the kids are the most
precious thing in the world to me and-

A gift certificate to the day spa?

What's the occasion?
"Just because"?

Oh, you must love me
more than anyone.

- Stan! Oh, fine!

Ifyou love that dog so much,
why don't you marry-

- Please, I need help!
- Okay, calm down.

- Have a seat, Francine.

How did you know my name?

Mister Editor, I have a story
the public needs to know!

Talk to my assistant.

Listen up! My doggie
is licking my roommate more than me.

Dogs have a pack mentality. You need
to show him you're the alpha male.

Hmm.

- Save it for showtime, kid.

Ah! What the hell?

You see that, Fussy?
I'm the alpha male!

Ah! Aargh! Oww!

- Love me!

They're everywhere.
They're coming to get me!

I wonderwhere
she found that top.

I mean, no!

- Help! They're trying to kill me.
- All yours, ladies.

- Why areyou doing this?
- I like helping people.

- Oh, God. I forgot.

That's whereyou humans
keepyour boys.

I'm so, so sorry.

- Here, let me help.

Don't be startin'
whatyou can't finish, bitch.

Fussy?

Fussy?

Come back!

Oh, right.
You guys are still locked in the closet.

- Well, I guess you're free to go.
- No, boss.

I can't make it on the outside.

I'm an institutional man now.

You treated us like animals,
and that's what we became!

Last chance, Francine.
You can still join us.

Not ifit means cheating on Stan.

Our life may not be perfect, but he's
always there for me when I really need him.

- Francine!
- Stan.

My precious little man
ran away, Francine.

- Has he been past here?
- No, Stan.

Okay, let's just do this.

Fussy!
Here, boy!

My God!

I've been so blind.
You can never be loyal to just one man.

He won't loveyou, you know.

He's incapable oflove!

Rack 'em up!

- Stop!

-Linda!
-Excuse me? This is an invitation-only function.

All I ask is thatyou let me say
good-bye to Francine.

- No wonder she wouldn't cheat
on her husband with another man.

You know, sweeties, this is
prettyjuicy dirt we have on her.

- Okay, Francine. We'll letyou live.

But ifyou ever breathe
so much as a word...

about the Ladybugs
and what we stand for...

we'll outyou faster than
Katie goes through Vicodin.

- What are you doing here?
- Duh.

It's Wednesday,
our grocery shopping day?

Isn't that crazy?

I thought
my boring routine was killing me.

But it ended up saving my life.

And that fake lesbian kiss-
What a great idea!

Fake?
Oh, yeah.

- Of course. Fake.
- Oh, hi, Stan.

Oh.
That's your husband.

I'd better get home
to my husband...

because I love him,
and I'm so sexually attracted to him.

Oh, yeah. He's got the good stuff.

Oh, yeah.

- Did you find your dog, honey?
- Fussy is gone.

Let's just leave it at that. Wasn't
someone trying to kill you or something?

Not anymore.
Let's just leave it at that.

Come on.
Walk me home.

- I'll make us dinner.
- Oh, more casserole!

- LeftoverWednesday, right?
- That's right, Stan.

LeftoverWednesday.

Bye!
Have a beautiful time!