American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Star Trek - full transcript
Roger is overjoyed to discover that Steve's new book is all about him - until he finds out that it paints him in an unflattering light.
##[Marching Band]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
[Steve Narrating] Funny, I always
wanted a pool filed with cherryJell-O.
Well, in the end,
I got it.
I got a lot ofthings
on my rise to stardom-
women, respect...
thatjoke about
the 1 0-inch pianist.
I can 't believe
I never got that before.
And I can't believe this all
began just a few weeks ago.
Stars-
they're just I i ke us.
Oh, here's T ara Reid
buying a gallon ofvodka...
and a case
of morning-after pills.
I drink gallons ofvodka!
I should be a star!
Ah, what a good
night's rest.
I had that wonderful
recurring dream where...
I'm giving a lecture naked,
and I'm a resounding success.
Now, how about a kiss? Good God, Francine!
Your roots are showing!
I know. My hairdresser...
Iost his touch
when he decided he was straight.
- Apparently, it is a choice.
- Yes, it is.
Absolutely. Anyway, the only good
hairdresser left is Mr. Beauregard.
But it's impossible to get an appointment
unless you know somebody.
Butyou do know somebody, Francine.
You know Roger.
Oh, wait.
He's just a nobody.
[ Gasps ]
Don't cry in front ofthe fish.
[ Crying]
Morning, Steve.
I packed your favorite lunch, P.B. and J.
With the crusts cut off
and cherryJell-O!
Someday I'd like to have
a swimming pool...
filled with cherryJell-O.
Anyway, Dad...
my English teacher, Mr. Durban,
is your biggest fan.
- Can I getyour autograph for him.
- Sure.
"To Mr. Durban. Keep on rockin'.
Yours in Christ."
Dad, that's Steve's
report card.
- [ Gasps ] You're failing English.
- What?
What doyou know?
And I'm getting straight A's.
Well, that's great, sweetheart.
Congratulations.
Hey, it's been a while.
Steve, how could you
be failing English?
It's not my fault.
My teacher hates me.
Hates you, huh?
Well, perhaps I need to pay
Mr. Durban a little visit.
Well, what a nice visit.
Oh, Mr. Durban,
the pleasure was all mine.
And thanks, Lynn,
for the delicious maple scones.
Can we have
another pony ride?
Oh-ho, no. This old horse
has to get back to the stable.
Oh, uh, Mr. Durban.
I almost forgot. I wanted to askyou-
- [Plate Shatters ]
- Why do you hate my son?
- [ All Screaming ]
- Shut up! Don't look at me!
Get on the floor!
You, get me more maple scones!
Why are you failing my son?
Answer me, dirtbag!
He had his Japanese friend
do his writing assignment. Look.
Oh, I see.
Well, good night.
Good night, Lynn.
Oh, don't get up, kids.
Seriously, stare at the floor
and count to a hundred!
Go ahead, Eric.
Be a hero.
That's what I thought,
punk ass.
## [ Singing ]
- [ Quoting Lyric ]
- What?
- I mean, why'd you cheat?
- I'm sorry.
It's just creative writing is hard.
I can't do it.
"Can't"? We don't live
in "Ameri-can't," Steve.
We live in America. No.
No, no. No, wait.
We live in American.
No, wait. That's not right.
We are American.
Where-Where was
I goin' with this?
Um, I said
creative writing is hard.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, perseverance, Steve.
It's all about perseverance.
And ifl "Ameri-can't"
teach you about it...
I have a friend
who "Ameri-will."
Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy
start there, but I think I pulled it together.
[ Stan ]
Steve, meet Patriot Pigeon.
You wrote
a children's book?
No, Steve, I wrote
3,01 2 children's books.
Each chronicling the adventures
of Patriot Pigeon...
who battles America's enemies by dropping
red, white and blue turds ofjustice.
Wow! So how many ofyour books
have been published?
None. See that? That's over 1 0,000
rejection letters and counting.
- Gosh. I'm sorry.
- I'm not.
You see, Steve, true success isn't about
getting recognition or fame.
It's about never giving up.
So what doyou say?
Have I inspired you
to do that writing assignment?
- No.
- How about now?
- That's the hand I write with.
- That's negative thinking.
Hey, how about a story
where a boy's hand...
is glued to a table and he
slowly starves to death?
That's good stuff.
Thanks,J.C.
Aw, I don't know
what to write about.
Aw, I'm never
gonna be a star.
People are never gonna see me
in Us Weekly and say...
"Ooh, Roger...
picks up a vase just like us."
- [Shatters ]
- Ooh, Roger drops expensive vases just like us.
Oh, Roger-
Roger starts to black out just like-
- Oh, Mr. Beauregard, I feel born anew.
- ## [Techno ]
Well, of course you do, darlin'.
I use genuine human placenta.
That's where
it gets its luster.
Mr. Beauregard,
I- I would love foryou...
to put expelled uterine matter
in my hair.
Hmm! Ifl wereyou, I'd takeyour hair
behind the shed and shoot it.
- Ride, Montague.
- [ Barks ]
[ Barking ]
Anything for me?
Just a postcard that says
your hair looks like crap.
Hey, it's from me.
What's this?
"P and QPublishing."
Oh, good. Another rejection letter.
"Dear, Mr. Smith.
It is with great pleasure that we
have decided to publish your book."
- What's goin' on?
- I'm gonna be published! Oh, glorious day!
All those wasted years ofwriting
finally have meaning.
What about all that stuff
about not needing recognition?
Oh, that's what people say
when they're dead inside.
Now, let's see which one of my
Patriot Pigeon books they're publishing.
"Roger the Alien"?
- Hey, that's the story I wrote for English.
- What?
You wrote a story about me?
I'll take that, Dad. Huh. Mr. Durban said
he was gonna submit my story to a publisher.
So, it's not Patriot Pigeon
Poops on Planned Parenthood?
A book about me?
[ Gasps ]
I'm gonna be a star!
Steve, you're the best!
Oh, my God, Stan!
How upset are you?
Seriously, on a scale
from one to pissed?
Oh, who gives a flying fig?
I'm a star!
[RogerLaughs ]
[Steve Narrating]
So now I was a published writer.
But mylife
had become boring.
As boring as a bad metaphor...
or a simile.
Whatever,
I'm not a writer.
Got any ti ps
for a young author?
Oh, I don't
want to be recorded.
No, it's inspiring music
to accompanyyour answer.
## [ R&B ]
Um, just write something
and it'll get published.
It's easy.
Any idiot can do it.
It's not fair, Francine.
I write 3,000 books and-
Ugh!
I write 3,000 books and nobody's
ever asked me for an autograph.
Don'tyou see, Stan?
You're Steve's father.
He couldn't have done
any ofthis withoutyou.
And people are
gonna know that.
Yes. Yes, people
are gonna know that.
Hey, everyone,
I'm Steve's father!
He came from my seed!
And she was the manure.
Ugh! Francine, when I
look at your hair...
I doubt I could eat the amount
I want to vomit.
The turnout at today's
book signing was awful...
and I blameyou,
publisher man.
Actually, it's "Publisherman."
Bill Publisherman.
Dad, it's okay. I'm not into this
whole book thing anyway.
Nonsense! You and I are
gonna be big.
- We're gonna be huge.
-Just how big areyou talking?
"Ginormagantuan."
[ Whistles ]
Well, then whatyou need is to get Steve
on Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade...
the hottest children's
book show in Langley Falls.
- Great! Put him on.
- I'd love to.
But to get on, he needs to have
the number-one children's book in town.
And to get that,
he'll need a hook.
Right. We'll cut off
one ofhis hands.
People love the disfigured...
and fear them.
No, a hook,
an angle, a gimmick.
Hmm.
Is the boy gay?
- Why? Could that be a hook?
- Hook?
- Ah, a hook, a hook, a hook.
- [ Video Game Beeping ]
No.
Is it true? Were there really seven people
at the book signing?
- [ Sighs ] Yes.
- Oh, my God! It's happening for me.
I'm almost a star.
Oh! There's my cell phone.
Oh, my God!
It's Johnny Depp.
- Deppster! What's shakin'?
- That's not a cell phone.
- That's a bar of soapyou painted black.
- Yeah, hang on,J.D.
Watch it, Klaus, or I'm gonna cram
this bad boy 20,000 leagues upyour butt.
"Bad boy"?
Steve, that's it!
- You can be the bad boy of children's books.
- Huh?
Sure, sure.
The media loves bad boys.
- Your bookwill fly offthe shelves.
- I don't know.
Look, Son, you do this for me,
and I'll use my C.I.A. powers...
to getyou centerfold
Janet Gustafson.
- She's beautiful.
- And she loves the bad boys.
[Steve Narrating]Andso began
mydark descent all the wayto the top.
- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
- ## [ Women Singing]
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
## [ Ends ]
Franci ne, I cannot let
the mother of...
Langley Falls' legendary bad-boy
author look like this.
Shame on you.
Scoot on in here, girl.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God! Is it here?
You're so adorable.
- Give me sillyjuice and watch me fall down.
- What the-
I'm ugly
and my butt is huge.
I- I- I don't-
I don't get it.
They areyour catch phrases.
Roger, haveyou even read Steve's book?
You bastard!
Roger the clumsy alien!
Rogerwho sips his sillyjuice
and goes on delusional rants!
And it's not sillyjuice!
It's necessaryjuice!
Watch your back.
Ouch! Oh, that-
Ouchies, ouchies, ouch.
You bastard!
Thanks toyou, Dad spent
all my college money...
buying you Doctor Seuss's
first typewriter.
[ Gears Whirring,
Bells Ringing ]
You bastard!
That's what I said
to my old ugly hairdo.
What's wrong, honey?
Aw, I hate being
a famous author.
Do I really have
to go on Cap'n Monty's?
- Oh. Well, no. I suppose not.
- Thanks, Mom.
Oh, Steve,
just curious.
- When did you stop loving Mommy?
- What?
'Cause ifyou loved me,
you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair.
But do whatever
makes you happy.
I have to go put some ointment on that
hideous cesarean scar I have because ofyou.
But Hayleywas
the cesarean.
Oh, that's right. With you, I just tore
from my "V" to my "A."
Good night.
[Steve Narrating] Those were dark times
as myfamily usedandabused me.
But at least there were two headlights
at the end ofthe tunnel.
Now do I get to meet
that centerfold?
No. I just said that to motivate you
so you'd carry me to the top.
Dad, I can't believe
you lied to me.
Really? Huh.
That's-That's kind of mywhole bit.
Hey, my first green room.
It isn't even green!
[ Laughs ] Showbiz.
Steve. Kevin Broham,
DudemeisterManagement. Huge fan.
So, how does it feel
to be a superstar?
Well, I-
I kind of hate it.
Let me guess. Your family's bustin'
your boy bag like a bunch of gonad gangsters.
How did you know?
Bro, I see families exploiting
the talented dude all the time.
I feel so trapped.
I don't know what to do.
- ## [TVTheme ]
- [ Applause ]
Good morn', mateys.
Today, Captain Monty
sails his fairvessel...
with precious cargo-
child prodigy,
and most likely...
ninth incarnation
ofthe Buddha, Steve Smith.
[Applause ]
- Yeah!
- Yea!
[ Both ]
Boo!
Steve.
Steve Smith.
Even the name
recalls simplicity, elegance.
Steve, welcome.
Steve, I'm not going to askyou
about your influences...
oryour process.
In fact, I'm not going
to askyou any questions.
I am going to
tell you something.
And that something is...
you, Steve Smith,
are a genius.
A "geeeeenius."
Argh.
Steve, I will askyou
one question.
I know I said
no questions.
I'm flawed, unlikeyou,
Steve Smith.
Tell me...
whom would you like
to thank foryour success?
Here it comes, clown.
Well, Captain Monty...
I'd like to thank
my new manager Kevin...
for helping me fill out the paperwork
to divorce my parents.
- [ Gasps ]
- And the shoes. I want the shoes.
Slowly, pretty boy.
Yeah, you're
a pretty boy...
with a pretty
pair of shoes.
[Steve Narrating]
The court ruled in myfavor...
and I was finally
free ofmyparents.
Did the book make me
rich and popular? Yeah.
Did it all go to my head?
Oh, yeah. Did I start talking
like Robert Evans?
You bet your ass I did.
Did I even know
who Robert Evans was?
- Not by a long shot.
- Franci ne. Stan.
Stop this nonsense, Steve.
Dude, his name is S now.
And S does what S wants.
And S wants
to C-L-T-D-F-H-C.
Cut loose the deadweight
from his coattails.
There should be
a "W" in there.
Get in the trunk, Barry.
[Engine Starts ]
[Steve Narrating] Theywere gonna miss me
all right. But I didn't miss them.
I was too busy tending to mystately
pleasure dome, Steveadoo.
I had rooms filled with
the finest antiquities.
Rooms devoted
to girl-on-girl action.
[ Thi nki ng ]
Sci nti I lati ng.
[ Steve narrating ] I kept my chums nearby
in my "I don't need any family"room.
And the coup de gr?ce...
mypool filled
with cherryJell-O.
Mmm, success.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
Oh! That I ittle creep
is I ivi ng the star I ifestyle I deserve.
Well, he's gonna learn that he's messing
with the wrong muchacho.
Ow! Ow! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe!
Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe!
Worst part's over. Worst part's over.
Worst part's over.
[Doorbell Rings ]
- What are you doing here?
- I want you to come home.
Yeah? Well, you can forget it.
You used me and you lied to me.
Guilty as charged. But I'm gonna
make good on it all.
Starting with that centerfold
I promised you.
Here she is,
centerfold Janet Gustafson.
[ Murmurs Coyly]
That's not her!
She's ancient.
Well, sure. The magazine
I showed you was from 1 957.
But she still
loves to party.
- ## [ Big Band ]
- ## [ Singing ]
## [ Singing Scat ]
This is your idea
ofan apology?
Sulu, Chekov!
[ Growling ]
- [ Gasps ]
- [Dogs Barking]
- ## [Janet Singing Scat ]
- [ Growling ]
Hello, old friend.
Hopeyou don't
mind me dropping by...
to kill you.
Strange. This window
shouldn't be open.
And this window
shouldn't be closed.
Aw, this should
all be mine.
I mean, not this
color scheme. P.U.
But everything else
should be mi- Oh, God!
This bust of Ben Stiller
is hideous.
But it should be mine!
[ Grunting, Gasps ]
Bravo! Thatwas the gumball machine
Henry Ford gave to Hitler.
- S, we didn't do it.
- Yeah, right.
You're all just a bunch ofusers
like my parents. Get out! All ofyou!
##[Bagpipes ]
[ Sighs ]
Guess I'll be cutting the crusts off
my own sandwiches from now on.
Great. Who tracked mud
on my floor?
[ Sighs ]
## [ Ominous Synthesizer]
[ Screams ]
Hey, your knife goes real well
with my novelty alien hand.
And how great is my new
horror-movie ring tone?
- [ Beeps, Music Stops ]
- Dude, where'd you go?
- Well, come into the kitchen.
- What up?
S, meet Spike Baltar.
Spike Baltar,
you're my favorite actor.
Wow, you look
just like me.
That's because he's gonna playyou
in the movie version...
of RogertheAlien,
and he's totally method.
- Wow, I'm so happy I could die.
- ## [ Ominous Synthesizer]
- [ Beeps, Music Stops ]
- It's me. I gotta take this.
Yeah, the kid's
a total douche.
And his voice-
[ Imitating Steve ]
I'm Steve Smith.
I wrote RogertheAlien.
[ Laughs ]
I'm Steve Smith.
I was never molested...
on the set of a mustard commercial
when I was nine.
- Die, dream stealer!
- [ Screams ]
[ Gurgles ]
Oh, my God! I-
I killed Steve.
[ Screaming ]
- Hombre, what's the matter?
- It's just I kinda miss my family.
"Bro-sickle,"
I'm your family now...
and this dude is never ever
gonna leaveyou.
Never.
Spike Baltar's
dead in your pool.
You're finished.
I'm out ofhere.
I'm comin', Steve!
I'm comin'!
I didn't mean
to kill you!
- Roger?
- [ Gasps ]
That's not me in the pool.
That's Spike Baltar.
Wait. You were trying to kill me?
So this is all your fault.
Oh, yeah. Blame the alien.
The cops will eat that up.
Sorry, pal,
you're goin' to jail...
where they're gonna
takeyour cherry...
Jell-O... away...
in the lunch line...
afteryou're raped...
in the shower.
[Steve Narrating]
Well, this is where ourstorystarted.
Onlythe dead kid isn't me.
That was kind ofa screw
to the audience. Sorry. [ Chuckles ]
Ifit makes you feel any better,
I was drowning all right-
in a sea oftroubles.
And there was only
one place I could turn.
I t's good to have you back,
Steve.
I t sure is. And I 'm sorry
I pushed you so hard.
From now on, the only thing I want
recognition for is being a good dad. Ready?
- One, two, heave!
- [ Both Grunt ]
Au revoir, stardom.
- [ Groans ]
- Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle?
Guess I'm clumsy
like he wrote in the book.
How doyou like
that ending, Steve?
Bye!
Have a great time!
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
[Steve Narrating] Funny, I always
wanted a pool filed with cherryJell-O.
Well, in the end,
I got it.
I got a lot ofthings
on my rise to stardom-
women, respect...
thatjoke about
the 1 0-inch pianist.
I can 't believe
I never got that before.
And I can't believe this all
began just a few weeks ago.
Stars-
they're just I i ke us.
Oh, here's T ara Reid
buying a gallon ofvodka...
and a case
of morning-after pills.
I drink gallons ofvodka!
I should be a star!
Ah, what a good
night's rest.
I had that wonderful
recurring dream where...
I'm giving a lecture naked,
and I'm a resounding success.
Now, how about a kiss? Good God, Francine!
Your roots are showing!
I know. My hairdresser...
Iost his touch
when he decided he was straight.
- Apparently, it is a choice.
- Yes, it is.
Absolutely. Anyway, the only good
hairdresser left is Mr. Beauregard.
But it's impossible to get an appointment
unless you know somebody.
Butyou do know somebody, Francine.
You know Roger.
Oh, wait.
He's just a nobody.
[ Gasps ]
Don't cry in front ofthe fish.
[ Crying]
Morning, Steve.
I packed your favorite lunch, P.B. and J.
With the crusts cut off
and cherryJell-O!
Someday I'd like to have
a swimming pool...
filled with cherryJell-O.
Anyway, Dad...
my English teacher, Mr. Durban,
is your biggest fan.
- Can I getyour autograph for him.
- Sure.
"To Mr. Durban. Keep on rockin'.
Yours in Christ."
Dad, that's Steve's
report card.
- [ Gasps ] You're failing English.
- What?
What doyou know?
And I'm getting straight A's.
Well, that's great, sweetheart.
Congratulations.
Hey, it's been a while.
Steve, how could you
be failing English?
It's not my fault.
My teacher hates me.
Hates you, huh?
Well, perhaps I need to pay
Mr. Durban a little visit.
Well, what a nice visit.
Oh, Mr. Durban,
the pleasure was all mine.
And thanks, Lynn,
for the delicious maple scones.
Can we have
another pony ride?
Oh-ho, no. This old horse
has to get back to the stable.
Oh, uh, Mr. Durban.
I almost forgot. I wanted to askyou-
- [Plate Shatters ]
- Why do you hate my son?
- [ All Screaming ]
- Shut up! Don't look at me!
Get on the floor!
You, get me more maple scones!
Why are you failing my son?
Answer me, dirtbag!
He had his Japanese friend
do his writing assignment. Look.
Oh, I see.
Well, good night.
Good night, Lynn.
Oh, don't get up, kids.
Seriously, stare at the floor
and count to a hundred!
Go ahead, Eric.
Be a hero.
That's what I thought,
punk ass.
## [ Singing ]
- [ Quoting Lyric ]
- What?
- I mean, why'd you cheat?
- I'm sorry.
It's just creative writing is hard.
I can't do it.
"Can't"? We don't live
in "Ameri-can't," Steve.
We live in America. No.
No, no. No, wait.
We live in American.
No, wait. That's not right.
We are American.
Where-Where was
I goin' with this?
Um, I said
creative writing is hard.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, perseverance, Steve.
It's all about perseverance.
And ifl "Ameri-can't"
teach you about it...
I have a friend
who "Ameri-will."
Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy
start there, but I think I pulled it together.
[ Stan ]
Steve, meet Patriot Pigeon.
You wrote
a children's book?
No, Steve, I wrote
3,01 2 children's books.
Each chronicling the adventures
of Patriot Pigeon...
who battles America's enemies by dropping
red, white and blue turds ofjustice.
Wow! So how many ofyour books
have been published?
None. See that? That's over 1 0,000
rejection letters and counting.
- Gosh. I'm sorry.
- I'm not.
You see, Steve, true success isn't about
getting recognition or fame.
It's about never giving up.
So what doyou say?
Have I inspired you
to do that writing assignment?
- No.
- How about now?
- That's the hand I write with.
- That's negative thinking.
Hey, how about a story
where a boy's hand...
is glued to a table and he
slowly starves to death?
That's good stuff.
Thanks,J.C.
Aw, I don't know
what to write about.
Aw, I'm never
gonna be a star.
People are never gonna see me
in Us Weekly and say...
"Ooh, Roger...
picks up a vase just like us."
- [Shatters ]
- Ooh, Roger drops expensive vases just like us.
Oh, Roger-
Roger starts to black out just like-
- Oh, Mr. Beauregard, I feel born anew.
- ## [Techno ]
Well, of course you do, darlin'.
I use genuine human placenta.
That's where
it gets its luster.
Mr. Beauregard,
I- I would love foryou...
to put expelled uterine matter
in my hair.
Hmm! Ifl wereyou, I'd takeyour hair
behind the shed and shoot it.
- Ride, Montague.
- [ Barks ]
[ Barking ]
Anything for me?
Just a postcard that says
your hair looks like crap.
Hey, it's from me.
What's this?
"P and QPublishing."
Oh, good. Another rejection letter.
"Dear, Mr. Smith.
It is with great pleasure that we
have decided to publish your book."
- What's goin' on?
- I'm gonna be published! Oh, glorious day!
All those wasted years ofwriting
finally have meaning.
What about all that stuff
about not needing recognition?
Oh, that's what people say
when they're dead inside.
Now, let's see which one of my
Patriot Pigeon books they're publishing.
"Roger the Alien"?
- Hey, that's the story I wrote for English.
- What?
You wrote a story about me?
I'll take that, Dad. Huh. Mr. Durban said
he was gonna submit my story to a publisher.
So, it's not Patriot Pigeon
Poops on Planned Parenthood?
A book about me?
[ Gasps ]
I'm gonna be a star!
Steve, you're the best!
Oh, my God, Stan!
How upset are you?
Seriously, on a scale
from one to pissed?
Oh, who gives a flying fig?
I'm a star!
[RogerLaughs ]
[Steve Narrating]
So now I was a published writer.
But mylife
had become boring.
As boring as a bad metaphor...
or a simile.
Whatever,
I'm not a writer.
Got any ti ps
for a young author?
Oh, I don't
want to be recorded.
No, it's inspiring music
to accompanyyour answer.
## [ R&B ]
Um, just write something
and it'll get published.
It's easy.
Any idiot can do it.
It's not fair, Francine.
I write 3,000 books and-
Ugh!
I write 3,000 books and nobody's
ever asked me for an autograph.
Don'tyou see, Stan?
You're Steve's father.
He couldn't have done
any ofthis withoutyou.
And people are
gonna know that.
Yes. Yes, people
are gonna know that.
Hey, everyone,
I'm Steve's father!
He came from my seed!
And she was the manure.
Ugh! Francine, when I
look at your hair...
I doubt I could eat the amount
I want to vomit.
The turnout at today's
book signing was awful...
and I blameyou,
publisher man.
Actually, it's "Publisherman."
Bill Publisherman.
Dad, it's okay. I'm not into this
whole book thing anyway.
Nonsense! You and I are
gonna be big.
- We're gonna be huge.
-Just how big areyou talking?
"Ginormagantuan."
[ Whistles ]
Well, then whatyou need is to get Steve
on Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade...
the hottest children's
book show in Langley Falls.
- Great! Put him on.
- I'd love to.
But to get on, he needs to have
the number-one children's book in town.
And to get that,
he'll need a hook.
Right. We'll cut off
one ofhis hands.
People love the disfigured...
and fear them.
No, a hook,
an angle, a gimmick.
Hmm.
Is the boy gay?
- Why? Could that be a hook?
- Hook?
- Ah, a hook, a hook, a hook.
- [ Video Game Beeping ]
No.
Is it true? Were there really seven people
at the book signing?
- [ Sighs ] Yes.
- Oh, my God! It's happening for me.
I'm almost a star.
Oh! There's my cell phone.
Oh, my God!
It's Johnny Depp.
- Deppster! What's shakin'?
- That's not a cell phone.
- That's a bar of soapyou painted black.
- Yeah, hang on,J.D.
Watch it, Klaus, or I'm gonna cram
this bad boy 20,000 leagues upyour butt.
"Bad boy"?
Steve, that's it!
- You can be the bad boy of children's books.
- Huh?
Sure, sure.
The media loves bad boys.
- Your bookwill fly offthe shelves.
- I don't know.
Look, Son, you do this for me,
and I'll use my C.I.A. powers...
to getyou centerfold
Janet Gustafson.
- She's beautiful.
- And she loves the bad boys.
[Steve Narrating]Andso began
mydark descent all the wayto the top.
- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
- ## [ Women Singing]
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
## [ Ends ]
Franci ne, I cannot let
the mother of...
Langley Falls' legendary bad-boy
author look like this.
Shame on you.
Scoot on in here, girl.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God! Is it here?
You're so adorable.
- Give me sillyjuice and watch me fall down.
- What the-
I'm ugly
and my butt is huge.
I- I- I don't-
I don't get it.
They areyour catch phrases.
Roger, haveyou even read Steve's book?
You bastard!
Roger the clumsy alien!
Rogerwho sips his sillyjuice
and goes on delusional rants!
And it's not sillyjuice!
It's necessaryjuice!
Watch your back.
Ouch! Oh, that-
Ouchies, ouchies, ouch.
You bastard!
Thanks toyou, Dad spent
all my college money...
buying you Doctor Seuss's
first typewriter.
[ Gears Whirring,
Bells Ringing ]
You bastard!
That's what I said
to my old ugly hairdo.
What's wrong, honey?
Aw, I hate being
a famous author.
Do I really have
to go on Cap'n Monty's?
- Oh. Well, no. I suppose not.
- Thanks, Mom.
Oh, Steve,
just curious.
- When did you stop loving Mommy?
- What?
'Cause ifyou loved me,
you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair.
But do whatever
makes you happy.
I have to go put some ointment on that
hideous cesarean scar I have because ofyou.
But Hayleywas
the cesarean.
Oh, that's right. With you, I just tore
from my "V" to my "A."
Good night.
[Steve Narrating] Those were dark times
as myfamily usedandabused me.
But at least there were two headlights
at the end ofthe tunnel.
Now do I get to meet
that centerfold?
No. I just said that to motivate you
so you'd carry me to the top.
Dad, I can't believe
you lied to me.
Really? Huh.
That's-That's kind of mywhole bit.
Hey, my first green room.
It isn't even green!
[ Laughs ] Showbiz.
Steve. Kevin Broham,
DudemeisterManagement. Huge fan.
So, how does it feel
to be a superstar?
Well, I-
I kind of hate it.
Let me guess. Your family's bustin'
your boy bag like a bunch of gonad gangsters.
How did you know?
Bro, I see families exploiting
the talented dude all the time.
I feel so trapped.
I don't know what to do.
- ## [TVTheme ]
- [ Applause ]
Good morn', mateys.
Today, Captain Monty
sails his fairvessel...
with precious cargo-
child prodigy,
and most likely...
ninth incarnation
ofthe Buddha, Steve Smith.
[Applause ]
- Yeah!
- Yea!
[ Both ]
Boo!
Steve.
Steve Smith.
Even the name
recalls simplicity, elegance.
Steve, welcome.
Steve, I'm not going to askyou
about your influences...
oryour process.
In fact, I'm not going
to askyou any questions.
I am going to
tell you something.
And that something is...
you, Steve Smith,
are a genius.
A "geeeeenius."
Argh.
Steve, I will askyou
one question.
I know I said
no questions.
I'm flawed, unlikeyou,
Steve Smith.
Tell me...
whom would you like
to thank foryour success?
Here it comes, clown.
Well, Captain Monty...
I'd like to thank
my new manager Kevin...
for helping me fill out the paperwork
to divorce my parents.
- [ Gasps ]
- And the shoes. I want the shoes.
Slowly, pretty boy.
Yeah, you're
a pretty boy...
with a pretty
pair of shoes.
[Steve Narrating]
The court ruled in myfavor...
and I was finally
free ofmyparents.
Did the book make me
rich and popular? Yeah.
Did it all go to my head?
Oh, yeah. Did I start talking
like Robert Evans?
You bet your ass I did.
Did I even know
who Robert Evans was?
- Not by a long shot.
- Franci ne. Stan.
Stop this nonsense, Steve.
Dude, his name is S now.
And S does what S wants.
And S wants
to C-L-T-D-F-H-C.
Cut loose the deadweight
from his coattails.
There should be
a "W" in there.
Get in the trunk, Barry.
[Engine Starts ]
[Steve Narrating] Theywere gonna miss me
all right. But I didn't miss them.
I was too busy tending to mystately
pleasure dome, Steveadoo.
I had rooms filled with
the finest antiquities.
Rooms devoted
to girl-on-girl action.
[ Thi nki ng ]
Sci nti I lati ng.
[ Steve narrating ] I kept my chums nearby
in my "I don't need any family"room.
And the coup de gr?ce...
mypool filled
with cherryJell-O.
Mmm, success.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
Oh! That I ittle creep
is I ivi ng the star I ifestyle I deserve.
Well, he's gonna learn that he's messing
with the wrong muchacho.
Ow! Ow! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe!
Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe!
Worst part's over. Worst part's over.
Worst part's over.
[Doorbell Rings ]
- What are you doing here?
- I want you to come home.
Yeah? Well, you can forget it.
You used me and you lied to me.
Guilty as charged. But I'm gonna
make good on it all.
Starting with that centerfold
I promised you.
Here she is,
centerfold Janet Gustafson.
[ Murmurs Coyly]
That's not her!
She's ancient.
Well, sure. The magazine
I showed you was from 1 957.
But she still
loves to party.
- ## [ Big Band ]
- ## [ Singing ]
## [ Singing Scat ]
This is your idea
ofan apology?
Sulu, Chekov!
[ Growling ]
- [ Gasps ]
- [Dogs Barking]
- ## [Janet Singing Scat ]
- [ Growling ]
Hello, old friend.
Hopeyou don't
mind me dropping by...
to kill you.
Strange. This window
shouldn't be open.
And this window
shouldn't be closed.
Aw, this should
all be mine.
I mean, not this
color scheme. P.U.
But everything else
should be mi- Oh, God!
This bust of Ben Stiller
is hideous.
But it should be mine!
[ Grunting, Gasps ]
Bravo! Thatwas the gumball machine
Henry Ford gave to Hitler.
- S, we didn't do it.
- Yeah, right.
You're all just a bunch ofusers
like my parents. Get out! All ofyou!
##[Bagpipes ]
[ Sighs ]
Guess I'll be cutting the crusts off
my own sandwiches from now on.
Great. Who tracked mud
on my floor?
[ Sighs ]
## [ Ominous Synthesizer]
[ Screams ]
Hey, your knife goes real well
with my novelty alien hand.
And how great is my new
horror-movie ring tone?
- [ Beeps, Music Stops ]
- Dude, where'd you go?
- Well, come into the kitchen.
- What up?
S, meet Spike Baltar.
Spike Baltar,
you're my favorite actor.
Wow, you look
just like me.
That's because he's gonna playyou
in the movie version...
of RogertheAlien,
and he's totally method.
- Wow, I'm so happy I could die.
- ## [ Ominous Synthesizer]
- [ Beeps, Music Stops ]
- It's me. I gotta take this.
Yeah, the kid's
a total douche.
And his voice-
[ Imitating Steve ]
I'm Steve Smith.
I wrote RogertheAlien.
[ Laughs ]
I'm Steve Smith.
I was never molested...
on the set of a mustard commercial
when I was nine.
- Die, dream stealer!
- [ Screams ]
[ Gurgles ]
Oh, my God! I-
I killed Steve.
[ Screaming ]
- Hombre, what's the matter?
- It's just I kinda miss my family.
"Bro-sickle,"
I'm your family now...
and this dude is never ever
gonna leaveyou.
Never.
Spike Baltar's
dead in your pool.
You're finished.
I'm out ofhere.
I'm comin', Steve!
I'm comin'!
I didn't mean
to kill you!
- Roger?
- [ Gasps ]
That's not me in the pool.
That's Spike Baltar.
Wait. You were trying to kill me?
So this is all your fault.
Oh, yeah. Blame the alien.
The cops will eat that up.
Sorry, pal,
you're goin' to jail...
where they're gonna
takeyour cherry...
Jell-O... away...
in the lunch line...
afteryou're raped...
in the shower.
[Steve Narrating]
Well, this is where ourstorystarted.
Onlythe dead kid isn't me.
That was kind ofa screw
to the audience. Sorry. [ Chuckles ]
Ifit makes you feel any better,
I was drowning all right-
in a sea oftroubles.
And there was only
one place I could turn.
I t's good to have you back,
Steve.
I t sure is. And I 'm sorry
I pushed you so hard.
From now on, the only thing I want
recognition for is being a good dad. Ready?
- One, two, heave!
- [ Both Grunt ]
Au revoir, stardom.
- [ Groans ]
- Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle?
Guess I'm clumsy
like he wrote in the book.
How doyou like
that ending, Steve?
Bye!
Have a great time!