American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 17 - Rough Trade - full transcript
When Stan and Roger trade places, Roger gets a job as a car salesman, while Stan ends up in jail.
##[Marching Band]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
## [ Folk-Rock]
[ Gargling ]
[ Gulping ]
[ Exhales ]
Good morning.
[ Turns Off Radio ]
[ Sighs ]
- [ Sizzling ]
- [ Gasps ]
Don'tyou die on me, you bastard!
You've never given up on anything before.
Fight, damn you, fight!
[ Takes Deep Breath ]
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
- [ Screaming ]
Code Red! My manual for
the E.S. weapons system is AWOL.
Drop everything and help me find it!
I said, drop everything!
- But Stan-
- Drop it!
- [ Sighs ]
- Good. Now, clean that up and help me look.
Hey, Dad. I wanna ask out Carly Mills.
How can I make her like me?
- By finding my manual. Chicks dig that.
- [ Monkey Screams ]
My manual! Hayley,
what the hell is that?
My animal rights group rescued him
from a product testing lab.
These poor creatures are being
shampooed up to 1 0 times a day!
- Get it out of my house!
- I can't.
Everyone's counting on me
to give it sanctuary...
until its hair loses
its volume and luster!
## [Shampoo Commercial]
Morning, everybody. Hey, look.
That monkey has a Hayley on its ass.
- Oh, go to hell.
- Are you drunk?
Workin' on it. F.Y.I.,
I backed into myTV, and it died.
- So I need a new one.
- Too bad. I'm still paying off
that Ab-Loungeyou never used.
Hey, that was false advertising.
Ifthey called it a "lounge,"
it should come with martinis...
and guys in ironic trucker hats,
like on The O.C.
Which I'm missing, 'cause I have no TV.
- And here we are.
- Forget it.
But I'm a shut-in.
TV's all I have.
You thinkyou have problems?
I'm demonstrating a new weapon today...
and I have no idea how it works.
What ifl kill someone?
[ Gasps ]
- What ifl don't kill someone?
- Speaking ofkilling...
you know what the French
call an "orgasm"?
"The little death." It harks
back to the Middle Ages...
when only midgets were
allowed to have orgasms.
It's true!
Read the Bible.
Senators, I am proud to present...
- the exoskeletal weapons system.
- [ Whirring ]
- Hmm.
- For though the E.S. is a killing machine...
it can also perform
the most delicate oftasks...
be it defusing a bomb,
or adjusting the pearls...
ofa handsome woman from California.
- Senator Feinstein?
- [ Chuckling ]
- Areyou sure it's safe?
- In less skilled hands, absolutely not!
You'd be torn asunder! But so great
is my confidence in Agent Smith...
that I am putting my reputation,
and your life, in his hands.
[ Beeping, Twittering ]
- Uh, sir?
- Not now, Smith.
Behold! Man and machine in an elegant
pas de deux ofprecision and finesse.
- [ Clicks ]
- [ Hydraulics Running ]
- [ Clicking, Whirring ]
- [Screaming]
[ Frantic Groaning ]
[Bullock]
Agent Smith,you're out ofcontrol!
It's not like I killed her.
Hell, she should thank me.
- Now she can parkwherever she wants.
- Your boss was pretty steamed.
Oh, you wouldn't believe
the way he tore into me, Doyle.
I mean, worse than the roughest
gay pornoyou ever had to do...
to pay offyour gambling losses
at the Belaggio.
- [ Chuckles ] Wha'?
- Yeah.
You-You've got quite the backstory,
don'tyou?
- [ Beeping ]
- Steve? Putyour mom on.
- Hey, is that Stan?
- Did you buy me a TV?
For cryin' out loud,
quit nagging me, you harpy!
My God! That's how
he talks to his wife?
How else can I getyou to listen?
You don't respect me.
Why should I respectyou?
You're fat and lazy!
Send Hayley down
to the Cloak to pick me up...
or I'll kickyour ass
when I get home!
Poor Francine!
She's so sweet and kind.
And pretty.
Oh, great. I know where this is goin'.
Can I at least watch this time?
[ Groaning ]
It's about time, Hayley.
Who the hell areyou?
Genius, it's me. Styled the wig myself.
[ Chuckles ]
- I look great. Get in!
- [ Starts Engine ]
Here we are.
Thank God! I just want to go upstairs,
and sleep this off, and-
Big Buy?
What the hell?
- [ Clicking ]
- Ah-ah! Not till you buy me a new TV.
I will never buyyou a TV!
- Fine! Then you can walk home!
- [ Revs Engine ]
- [ Crashing]
- You idiot!
- [Siren Wailing]
- Cops already?
What, are we next door
to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?
You're thinking about doughnuts, now?
No, I'm just sayin'
the cops got here fast.
What the hell do fast cops
have to do with a Krispy Kreme?
- Because cops love doughnuts!
- You are not making any sense!
[ Siren Winding Down ]
Good evening, Officer, is there a-
[ Retches ]
- [ Beeping ]
- Hey, Stan?
Now thatyou're stuck at home,
I could really useyour input...
on redecorating the living room.
The court order says
I'm not allowed to leave the house.
It doesn't say I have to give a crap
about what it looks like.
Come on! What doyou think
ofthis Incan wish bowl?
They say ifyou touch it
and make a wish, it'll come true.
I wished it would look good
on this table. [ Gasps ]
- And it does!
- Well, yes.
But there's gotta be
a scientific explanation.
- Bye, everyone. Don't wait up.
- Where the hell doyou thinkyou're going?
- I got fourth row at Mamma Mia!
- What? You can't leave the house!
Well, what am I supposed to do here?
I don't have a TV, remember?
You thinkyou can stick me
with a D.U.I...
and then head offto a fabulous show
you know I've been dying to see?
- No way!
- Says who?
- Says me, head ofthis household.
- Well, you suck at it!
Oh, dear. Roger is
touching the Incan wish bowl.
You thinkyou could do any better?
You wouldn't last a day in my shoes.
- All you know how to do is bitch.
- [ Gasps ]
Stan is also touching the wish bowl.
I have a bad feeling about this.
I bitch because I have
no power around here, bitch.
Ifl did, we'd all be a lot happier!
[ Together]
I wish we could trade places.
- [Guttural Throbbing]
- What is that?
- [Tempo Increases ]
- What's happening?
Klaus, stop it!
Give me that.
You'll break it.
So, were you serious
about trading places?
Hey, you want to get a job, pay the bills,
deal with everyone's problems?
Be my guest. When it all gets
too much foryou...
- I'll be getting drunk up in the attic!
- Fine!
See howyou like life
on the bottom rung!
I'll be a better man ofthe house
than you everwere!
Ifthat were a real wish bowl,
it would be in the Ferrari...
ofa 600-year-old Incan
on the way to his job...
as Jessica Alba's G-string.
Stan? As long as you're
still under house arrest...
I might as well giveyou
a conjugal visit.
- Mornin', friendly.
- [Screaming]
Stan, how long areyou and Roger
gonna keep up this ridiculous swap?
Until he appreciates
how hard it is to be me!
Trust me, by the end ofthe day,
he'll be a nervous wreck.
Ta-da!
How do I look?
Employable?
Or very employable?
- Is that my pantsuit?
- Yeah. It's a little drab...
but I "shuzzed" it up
with a white belt.
Dad, I really need your help
with Carly Mills.
- I burn for her.
- Hey, I'm the man ofthe house now. I'll helpya.
- What's she like?
- Um, well, she's a cheerleader.
Got it! Rah-rahs like
hunkyjocks, right?
Just do some pushups!
She'll be all overya, Tiger.
- Great idea, Roger!
- Down low. Too slow.
[ Mock Growling, Laughing ]
- Poor kid. Never really had a father.
- [ Grunts ]
Hey, Mom. When you go to the market,
can you pick up some insect larva?
- Write it down.
- Hayley, I said no monkeys!
And I said it was okay.
I'm gonna build a habitat
in the basement.
Well, habitat slash theaterworkshop.
In six weeks, we'll have the best all-monkey
production of Cats you've ever seen.
[ Both Groaning ]
Welcome back to
The $100,000 Pyramid.
David Faustino,you're in
the Winner's Circle. Go!
Uh, okay. I was once
America's sweetheart.
Uh, I ruined my marriage
for a quick fling.
Uh- Oh, "Please, Tom Hanks,
I'm begging you.
- Do another movie with me?"
- Things Meg Ryan would say?
- [Bell Dings ]
- [Applauding]
This is what Roger does? He just sits here
and watches this crap all day?
- What am I missing?
- An elevated blood alcohol content.
Things you eat.
Things that are fruit.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Things you peel! Aha!
- I'm halfway up the pyramid.
- You're watching The Price Is Right.
Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh-
Oh. Things that wear pants.
Thanks for the job, Mr. Fusfeld.
You're gonna be a great
car salesman, Roger.
- Knock 'em dead.
- [ Gasps ]
A bullpen!
Oh, it's like a sitcom come true.
I'm part of a workplace ensemble.
I bet he's the sarcastic guy...
andhe's the dumb guy!
Oh, my God. He must be
the black guywho doesn't talk!
Hello.
He is! Oh, oh, don't tell me.
- You're the slut. I'm the new guy.
- Hey, new guy.
- I'm gonna crush you!
- Ooh, you're my nemesis!
You're my Newman.
My Louie De Palma.
My bitchy sister on that
awful Jim Belushi abortion.
Planning to foil me, areya?
Game on!
Listen up, Corky.
I'm winning that sales contest.
Get in myway and I'll buryyou.
"Chuck" Berryyou.
That's right. In your mouth.
Roger, right? I'm Philip.
I seeyou've met Maria.
Whoo! She is a total C-word.
Hey, we're all guys here,
I'll say it: Cuckoo-head.
- What was she talkin' about?
- Whoever sells the most cars by Friday...
- wins a week in Hawaii.
- Hawaii? That's whereJapan goes to play golf!.
Don't getyour hopes up.
Maria always wins. And she's ruthless.
- Be careful around her, pal.
- What a nice guy.
He's my sidekick. Larry to my Balki.
Son to my Sanford.
"Leave It" to "My Beaver."
Okay, uh, uh- I like it when you place
your documents face down.
Uh, I'm most efficient
with a dedicated phone line.
Uh, uh- ErrorType L6.
- I give up.
- Things a fax machine would say.
- Come on! That was an easy one.
- That was mywhole day.
Honey, I'm home!
- How was your first day on the job?
- Great!
When I win my sales contest,
I'm taking us all to Hawaii!
[ All But Stan Shouting ]
Roger, I tookyour advice
and did some pushups.
- Check out my guns.
- Oh, my God, Steve.
Okay, truth time.
Areyou on steroids?
- 'Cause that's how freaky big you look.
- Oh, come on!
Time for Phase Two. After dinner,
we'll take some sexy pictures...
and you can slip 'em
in Carly's locker.
- Show her the newyou.
- But, Roger, you promised to help me
pick out sofa fabrics.
No prob. I can do it all.
Unlike some people.
- I just have to feed Hayley's monkeys.
- [Screaming, Splashing]
You guys, save the poop-flinging
for the cast party.
Things that are getting fat.
Things that might be wrong,
and Roger might be right.
Things that should buck up! Things
thatwill be proven right in the end.
Oh, things that are
just kidding themselves.
Things that are useless.
Things that are getting soft.
Things that are
stupid, dumb stupid-heads.
Things that miss being needed.
Things that need morewine
to make the pain go away!
[ Crying ]
[Man] Give a warm
islandaloha to Fusfeld Motors'...
top salesman, RogerSmith!
Roger'sjoined by Hawaiian celebrities
Magnum, P.I., and Greg Brady!
[ Chanti ng ]
Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger-
- Roger! Wake up, damn it!
- U h, huh? What?
- You can't sell cars in your sleep, boy.
- I'm sorry.
I was up late last night,
helping my familywith-
You haven't sold a single car yet!
Get busy, oryou're fired.
I can't get fired. I promised my family
that trip to Hawaii.
Don't worry, pal.
I'll helpyou win.
- Whywould you go out ofyourway to help me?
- I'm sick of Maria winning.
Ifshe loses that contest
to me, it'll hurt her.
But ifshe loses to you,
thatwill destroy her.
I'vewaited mywhole life
to do this.
The finger pyramid of evil contemplation.
Feels good.
##[Piano: Sentimental Ballad]
- ## [Discordant]
- [MonkeyScreeching]
[Smashing, Banging]
[Monkeys Screeching]
- Mornin'.
- Stan, you don't look so good.
Oh, ow! Ow, Francine. Ow!
Honey, please call off this swap.
Hey, if Roger can take it, so can I.
Did you get those
Pecan Sandies I asked for?
- Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.
- [ Hissing Through Teeth ]
Pretty sure I asked
for Pecan Sandies.
Try these Chocodiles.
What's keeping Roger?
- Hey, have you been up all night?
- God, is it morning already?
I haven't even cracked
my S.U.V. manual.
Wait! Wait, where's
my S.U.V. manual?
I need to order the paint
for the study today.
Did you want to go
with "Blue Morning," or "Golden Wood"?
Little busy here!
S.U.V., S.U.V., S.U.V.
- [ Chittering ]
- Aah, my manual!
[ Screaming ]
- Hayley!
- I'm not the one who forgot to
exercise the monkeys last night.
- Haveyou been to the basement lately?
- Some of us work for a living.
They've been huffing paint thinner
and having sex all night.
It's like an 8th-grade
house party down there.
God, my animal rights group
is gonna think I'm a total flake!
Thanks for nothing.
- [ Groans ]
- Roger, I knowyou're busy,
but this'll just take a second.
You suck, Roger!
I gave these pictures you took to Carly...
Everyone's laughing at me!
You know, Dad wasn't perfect...
but at least he never ruined my life!
[ Groans ]
- Roger, ifyou could just-
- Not now!
Yes, now. I already hired the painters.
"Blue Morning," or "Golden Wood."
Morning. Wood. Morning. Wood.
Morning-
- Damn it, I don't care!
- [ Screams ]
Oh, my God!
These Chocodiles, these Chocodiles,
Francine, oh, my God.
These Chocodiles, oh, my God.
Oh! I'm so sorry!
It was an accident.
I-I'm just under so much pressure.
This is all thanks
toyour stupid swap with Stan.
Stan? Oh, God. Francine,
he can't know about this.
He'll kill me.Just tell him
you walked into a door.
He'll never buy that.
God, I look awful.
No! No, you look pretty.
Here. I gotyou some special makeup.
It's from the Est?e Lauder
"It Never Happened" collection.
[ Ringing ]
Hi, Francine!
Francine, how's it goin'?
Oh, screw it!
- [ Chugging ]
- Stan?
Hey, Linda. Hey,
when'd you get those?
- Oh, hello, Linda.
- My God! What happened toyour eye?
Yeah, what did happen toyour eye?
- I, uh-
- Please!
- Walked into a door.
- Ha! Gotta watch out for those doors, Francine.
- They're gonna get ya.
- Aah!
Well, I just came
to borrow some sugar...
but I can see, Francine,
that you need sugar...
so I'll get some... sugar.
- What was that about?
- Who knows? She's a weird chick.
That 52.3 cubic feet of
cargo space crazy big handy.
Most honorable wife, Ahi,
and number one son, Yellowtail, "aglee."
Okay. Super good time fun.
Domo arigato.
Another sale? Wow, Maria
doesn't have a prayer.
- You're goin' to Hawaii, pal.
- I owe it all toyou, Philip.
[Honking Horn ]
File this contract for me, will ya?
I'm gonna go "curry" their favor.
- [ Rings ]
- What doyou bet this "domestic abuse"
call turns out bogus?
Well, the neighbor said this guy's
already on house arrest for D.U.I.
Can I helpyou?
- How'd you get that shiner, Mrs. S?
- It's not whatyou think.
She walked into a door.
[ Chuckles ] You know?
Walk, walk, walk, walk-
Bam! [ Laughs ]
- [ Continues ]
- [Joins In Laughing ]
Stan, can I talk toyou?
Excuse us!
Look at these.
No way this kid's 1 8.
- This guy's a real sicko.
- [Monkeys Screaming, Banging]
What the hell was that?
- [ Monkeys Screaming ]
- [ Officer Screaming ]
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off!. Off!.
Off!. Ooh! No, no, no!
Son of a- God!
[ Offiicer Continues
Screaming]
- [Stan ] Roger did what?
- [Francine ] Stan, please! No more violence!
- I 'll kill him!
- You can't leave! You're still under house arr-
[ Screams, Grunts ]
Oh, my eye!
I deserved it,
for leaving the mop out.
- [Pistol Cocking]
- Holdit right there, dirtbag!
- Kiss my ass, pigs!
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
[ Shouts, Groans ]
Hi, uh, hope this isn't
a bad time, but...
your trash cans have been out on the curb
for a week, so, you know, whenever.
[Mr. Fusfeld]
Listen up, everyone.
The contest is over.
Time to announce the winner.
Oh, my God. This is it.
The trip to Hawaii goes to
our number-one salesperson, Philip!
- Philip?
- What?
He sold twice
as many cars as anyone.
But-But these are my sales.
Well, they all have
Philip's sales number on 'em.
You didn't sell any.
You're fired.
I thought I was your pal.
[ Crying ]
[ Sinister Chuckling ]
- What the hell areyou doing here?
- You're pretty mad at me.
Mad? Whywould I be mad? Just because
I'm being held without bail...
for domestic abuse, animal cruelty,
child pornography and attempted murder?
- Attempted murder?
- [ Muffled ] Aah! I'll kill you!
You're dead! You're-
[ Screams ]
- So, yes. I'm pretty mad.
- I know this doesn't really matter now...
but... you win.
- Huh?
- You're a better man ofthe house than I am.
I don't know how you manage
to do everything you do...
but this family's lucky to haveyou.
- And so am I.
- Oh, I-
- I-I don't know what to say.
- Ah, you could say...
you have a whole new appreciation
for how tough it is to be me.
There's something you should
know about me by now, Roger.
I don't learn lessons.
Now, ifI'm gonna get out ofhere...
we need to start
doing things myway.
The C.I.A. way.
We need a patsy.
- A patsy?
- Someone we can frame for everything.
Someone vile. An evil person,
who deserves to be punished.
- Any ideas?
- [ Hangs Up Receiver]
Hmm. Got it!
These people are insane!
I'm innocent.
That's the man who broke
into my home and punched me.
Right before he locked all those
poor monkeys in our basement.
And took pictures of my no-no parts.
He made me call him "Uncle Bad Touch!"
[ Cries ]
I've never seen them
before in my life.
They're obviously lying,
to protect the father.
- But whywould theywant to finger this guy?
- [ Giggling ]
We searched his apartment.
The place was clean.
Except for this.
He's got tons of Nazi stuff.
Some kind ofweird collector, I guess.
Sir, can you explain this?
Yeah, I'm a member of
the Anti-Zionist Aryan Brotherhood.
So what?
This is America!
- He's right. That stuffis legal.
- So, what doyou want to do, Lieutenant Goldberg?
[His VoiceAs A Child]
Don't go, Papa!
[Father's Voice ]
Run, Nathan! Run as fast asyou can...
and go to America, become a police
offiicer, and rise up through the ranks.
Then, one day, you can use
your power to avenge us all.
- [ Dogs Barking ]
- [ Young Goldberg ] Papa!
- [ Nazi ] Schnel l! Macht schnel l!
- [ Dogs Barking ]
- Put hi m i n my car.
- But-
- Do it!
- Oh! What do you think this is?
- Nazi Germany?
- You are free to do.
- [Philip ] That would be awesome!
- [ Family Cheering ]
Never thought I'd say this,
but I missed having you in charge.
Well, I never thought
I'd say this...
- but I loveyou guys!
- Oh, Stan!
Bye-bye! Seeyou soon!
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
## [ Folk-Rock]
[ Gargling ]
[ Gulping ]
[ Exhales ]
Good morning.
[ Turns Off Radio ]
[ Sighs ]
- [ Sizzling ]
- [ Gasps ]
Don'tyou die on me, you bastard!
You've never given up on anything before.
Fight, damn you, fight!
[ Takes Deep Breath ]
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
- [ Screaming ]
Code Red! My manual for
the E.S. weapons system is AWOL.
Drop everything and help me find it!
I said, drop everything!
- But Stan-
- Drop it!
- [ Sighs ]
- Good. Now, clean that up and help me look.
Hey, Dad. I wanna ask out Carly Mills.
How can I make her like me?
- By finding my manual. Chicks dig that.
- [ Monkey Screams ]
My manual! Hayley,
what the hell is that?
My animal rights group rescued him
from a product testing lab.
These poor creatures are being
shampooed up to 1 0 times a day!
- Get it out of my house!
- I can't.
Everyone's counting on me
to give it sanctuary...
until its hair loses
its volume and luster!
## [Shampoo Commercial]
Morning, everybody. Hey, look.
That monkey has a Hayley on its ass.
- Oh, go to hell.
- Are you drunk?
Workin' on it. F.Y.I.,
I backed into myTV, and it died.
- So I need a new one.
- Too bad. I'm still paying off
that Ab-Loungeyou never used.
Hey, that was false advertising.
Ifthey called it a "lounge,"
it should come with martinis...
and guys in ironic trucker hats,
like on The O.C.
Which I'm missing, 'cause I have no TV.
- And here we are.
- Forget it.
But I'm a shut-in.
TV's all I have.
You thinkyou have problems?
I'm demonstrating a new weapon today...
and I have no idea how it works.
What ifl kill someone?
[ Gasps ]
- What ifl don't kill someone?
- Speaking ofkilling...
you know what the French
call an "orgasm"?
"The little death." It harks
back to the Middle Ages...
when only midgets were
allowed to have orgasms.
It's true!
Read the Bible.
Senators, I am proud to present...
- the exoskeletal weapons system.
- [ Whirring ]
- Hmm.
- For though the E.S. is a killing machine...
it can also perform
the most delicate oftasks...
be it defusing a bomb,
or adjusting the pearls...
ofa handsome woman from California.
- Senator Feinstein?
- [ Chuckling ]
- Areyou sure it's safe?
- In less skilled hands, absolutely not!
You'd be torn asunder! But so great
is my confidence in Agent Smith...
that I am putting my reputation,
and your life, in his hands.
[ Beeping, Twittering ]
- Uh, sir?
- Not now, Smith.
Behold! Man and machine in an elegant
pas de deux ofprecision and finesse.
- [ Clicks ]
- [ Hydraulics Running ]
- [ Clicking, Whirring ]
- [Screaming]
[ Frantic Groaning ]
[Bullock]
Agent Smith,you're out ofcontrol!
It's not like I killed her.
Hell, she should thank me.
- Now she can parkwherever she wants.
- Your boss was pretty steamed.
Oh, you wouldn't believe
the way he tore into me, Doyle.
I mean, worse than the roughest
gay pornoyou ever had to do...
to pay offyour gambling losses
at the Belaggio.
- [ Chuckles ] Wha'?
- Yeah.
You-You've got quite the backstory,
don'tyou?
- [ Beeping ]
- Steve? Putyour mom on.
- Hey, is that Stan?
- Did you buy me a TV?
For cryin' out loud,
quit nagging me, you harpy!
My God! That's how
he talks to his wife?
How else can I getyou to listen?
You don't respect me.
Why should I respectyou?
You're fat and lazy!
Send Hayley down
to the Cloak to pick me up...
or I'll kickyour ass
when I get home!
Poor Francine!
She's so sweet and kind.
And pretty.
Oh, great. I know where this is goin'.
Can I at least watch this time?
[ Groaning ]
It's about time, Hayley.
Who the hell areyou?
Genius, it's me. Styled the wig myself.
[ Chuckles ]
- I look great. Get in!
- [ Starts Engine ]
Here we are.
Thank God! I just want to go upstairs,
and sleep this off, and-
Big Buy?
What the hell?
- [ Clicking ]
- Ah-ah! Not till you buy me a new TV.
I will never buyyou a TV!
- Fine! Then you can walk home!
- [ Revs Engine ]
- [ Crashing]
- You idiot!
- [Siren Wailing]
- Cops already?
What, are we next door
to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?
You're thinking about doughnuts, now?
No, I'm just sayin'
the cops got here fast.
What the hell do fast cops
have to do with a Krispy Kreme?
- Because cops love doughnuts!
- You are not making any sense!
[ Siren Winding Down ]
Good evening, Officer, is there a-
[ Retches ]
- [ Beeping ]
- Hey, Stan?
Now thatyou're stuck at home,
I could really useyour input...
on redecorating the living room.
The court order says
I'm not allowed to leave the house.
It doesn't say I have to give a crap
about what it looks like.
Come on! What doyou think
ofthis Incan wish bowl?
They say ifyou touch it
and make a wish, it'll come true.
I wished it would look good
on this table. [ Gasps ]
- And it does!
- Well, yes.
But there's gotta be
a scientific explanation.
- Bye, everyone. Don't wait up.
- Where the hell doyou thinkyou're going?
- I got fourth row at Mamma Mia!
- What? You can't leave the house!
Well, what am I supposed to do here?
I don't have a TV, remember?
You thinkyou can stick me
with a D.U.I...
and then head offto a fabulous show
you know I've been dying to see?
- No way!
- Says who?
- Says me, head ofthis household.
- Well, you suck at it!
Oh, dear. Roger is
touching the Incan wish bowl.
You thinkyou could do any better?
You wouldn't last a day in my shoes.
- All you know how to do is bitch.
- [ Gasps ]
Stan is also touching the wish bowl.
I have a bad feeling about this.
I bitch because I have
no power around here, bitch.
Ifl did, we'd all be a lot happier!
[ Together]
I wish we could trade places.
- [Guttural Throbbing]
- What is that?
- [Tempo Increases ]
- What's happening?
Klaus, stop it!
Give me that.
You'll break it.
So, were you serious
about trading places?
Hey, you want to get a job, pay the bills,
deal with everyone's problems?
Be my guest. When it all gets
too much foryou...
- I'll be getting drunk up in the attic!
- Fine!
See howyou like life
on the bottom rung!
I'll be a better man ofthe house
than you everwere!
Ifthat were a real wish bowl,
it would be in the Ferrari...
ofa 600-year-old Incan
on the way to his job...
as Jessica Alba's G-string.
Stan? As long as you're
still under house arrest...
I might as well giveyou
a conjugal visit.
- Mornin', friendly.
- [Screaming]
Stan, how long areyou and Roger
gonna keep up this ridiculous swap?
Until he appreciates
how hard it is to be me!
Trust me, by the end ofthe day,
he'll be a nervous wreck.
Ta-da!
How do I look?
Employable?
Or very employable?
- Is that my pantsuit?
- Yeah. It's a little drab...
but I "shuzzed" it up
with a white belt.
Dad, I really need your help
with Carly Mills.
- I burn for her.
- Hey, I'm the man ofthe house now. I'll helpya.
- What's she like?
- Um, well, she's a cheerleader.
Got it! Rah-rahs like
hunkyjocks, right?
Just do some pushups!
She'll be all overya, Tiger.
- Great idea, Roger!
- Down low. Too slow.
[ Mock Growling, Laughing ]
- Poor kid. Never really had a father.
- [ Grunts ]
Hey, Mom. When you go to the market,
can you pick up some insect larva?
- Write it down.
- Hayley, I said no monkeys!
And I said it was okay.
I'm gonna build a habitat
in the basement.
Well, habitat slash theaterworkshop.
In six weeks, we'll have the best all-monkey
production of Cats you've ever seen.
[ Both Groaning ]
Welcome back to
The $100,000 Pyramid.
David Faustino,you're in
the Winner's Circle. Go!
Uh, okay. I was once
America's sweetheart.
Uh, I ruined my marriage
for a quick fling.
Uh- Oh, "Please, Tom Hanks,
I'm begging you.
- Do another movie with me?"
- Things Meg Ryan would say?
- [Bell Dings ]
- [Applauding]
This is what Roger does? He just sits here
and watches this crap all day?
- What am I missing?
- An elevated blood alcohol content.
Things you eat.
Things that are fruit.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Things you peel! Aha!
- I'm halfway up the pyramid.
- You're watching The Price Is Right.
Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh-
Oh. Things that wear pants.
Thanks for the job, Mr. Fusfeld.
You're gonna be a great
car salesman, Roger.
- Knock 'em dead.
- [ Gasps ]
A bullpen!
Oh, it's like a sitcom come true.
I'm part of a workplace ensemble.
I bet he's the sarcastic guy...
andhe's the dumb guy!
Oh, my God. He must be
the black guywho doesn't talk!
Hello.
He is! Oh, oh, don't tell me.
- You're the slut. I'm the new guy.
- Hey, new guy.
- I'm gonna crush you!
- Ooh, you're my nemesis!
You're my Newman.
My Louie De Palma.
My bitchy sister on that
awful Jim Belushi abortion.
Planning to foil me, areya?
Game on!
Listen up, Corky.
I'm winning that sales contest.
Get in myway and I'll buryyou.
"Chuck" Berryyou.
That's right. In your mouth.
Roger, right? I'm Philip.
I seeyou've met Maria.
Whoo! She is a total C-word.
Hey, we're all guys here,
I'll say it: Cuckoo-head.
- What was she talkin' about?
- Whoever sells the most cars by Friday...
- wins a week in Hawaii.
- Hawaii? That's whereJapan goes to play golf!.
Don't getyour hopes up.
Maria always wins. And she's ruthless.
- Be careful around her, pal.
- What a nice guy.
He's my sidekick. Larry to my Balki.
Son to my Sanford.
"Leave It" to "My Beaver."
Okay, uh, uh- I like it when you place
your documents face down.
Uh, I'm most efficient
with a dedicated phone line.
Uh, uh- ErrorType L6.
- I give up.
- Things a fax machine would say.
- Come on! That was an easy one.
- That was mywhole day.
Honey, I'm home!
- How was your first day on the job?
- Great!
When I win my sales contest,
I'm taking us all to Hawaii!
[ All But Stan Shouting ]
Roger, I tookyour advice
and did some pushups.
- Check out my guns.
- Oh, my God, Steve.
Okay, truth time.
Areyou on steroids?
- 'Cause that's how freaky big you look.
- Oh, come on!
Time for Phase Two. After dinner,
we'll take some sexy pictures...
and you can slip 'em
in Carly's locker.
- Show her the newyou.
- But, Roger, you promised to help me
pick out sofa fabrics.
No prob. I can do it all.
Unlike some people.
- I just have to feed Hayley's monkeys.
- [Screaming, Splashing]
You guys, save the poop-flinging
for the cast party.
Things that are getting fat.
Things that might be wrong,
and Roger might be right.
Things that should buck up! Things
thatwill be proven right in the end.
Oh, things that are
just kidding themselves.
Things that are useless.
Things that are getting soft.
Things that are
stupid, dumb stupid-heads.
Things that miss being needed.
Things that need morewine
to make the pain go away!
[ Crying ]
[Man] Give a warm
islandaloha to Fusfeld Motors'...
top salesman, RogerSmith!
Roger'sjoined by Hawaiian celebrities
Magnum, P.I., and Greg Brady!
[ Chanti ng ]
Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger-
- Roger! Wake up, damn it!
- U h, huh? What?
- You can't sell cars in your sleep, boy.
- I'm sorry.
I was up late last night,
helping my familywith-
You haven't sold a single car yet!
Get busy, oryou're fired.
I can't get fired. I promised my family
that trip to Hawaii.
Don't worry, pal.
I'll helpyou win.
- Whywould you go out ofyourway to help me?
- I'm sick of Maria winning.
Ifshe loses that contest
to me, it'll hurt her.
But ifshe loses to you,
thatwill destroy her.
I'vewaited mywhole life
to do this.
The finger pyramid of evil contemplation.
Feels good.
##[Piano: Sentimental Ballad]
- ## [Discordant]
- [MonkeyScreeching]
[Smashing, Banging]
[Monkeys Screeching]
- Mornin'.
- Stan, you don't look so good.
Oh, ow! Ow, Francine. Ow!
Honey, please call off this swap.
Hey, if Roger can take it, so can I.
Did you get those
Pecan Sandies I asked for?
- Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.
- [ Hissing Through Teeth ]
Pretty sure I asked
for Pecan Sandies.
Try these Chocodiles.
What's keeping Roger?
- Hey, have you been up all night?
- God, is it morning already?
I haven't even cracked
my S.U.V. manual.
Wait! Wait, where's
my S.U.V. manual?
I need to order the paint
for the study today.
Did you want to go
with "Blue Morning," or "Golden Wood"?
Little busy here!
S.U.V., S.U.V., S.U.V.
- [ Chittering ]
- Aah, my manual!
[ Screaming ]
- Hayley!
- I'm not the one who forgot to
exercise the monkeys last night.
- Haveyou been to the basement lately?
- Some of us work for a living.
They've been huffing paint thinner
and having sex all night.
It's like an 8th-grade
house party down there.
God, my animal rights group
is gonna think I'm a total flake!
Thanks for nothing.
- [ Groans ]
- Roger, I knowyou're busy,
but this'll just take a second.
You suck, Roger!
I gave these pictures you took to Carly...
Everyone's laughing at me!
You know, Dad wasn't perfect...
but at least he never ruined my life!
[ Groans ]
- Roger, ifyou could just-
- Not now!
Yes, now. I already hired the painters.
"Blue Morning," or "Golden Wood."
Morning. Wood. Morning. Wood.
Morning-
- Damn it, I don't care!
- [ Screams ]
Oh, my God!
These Chocodiles, these Chocodiles,
Francine, oh, my God.
These Chocodiles, oh, my God.
Oh! I'm so sorry!
It was an accident.
I-I'm just under so much pressure.
This is all thanks
toyour stupid swap with Stan.
Stan? Oh, God. Francine,
he can't know about this.
He'll kill me.Just tell him
you walked into a door.
He'll never buy that.
God, I look awful.
No! No, you look pretty.
Here. I gotyou some special makeup.
It's from the Est?e Lauder
"It Never Happened" collection.
[ Ringing ]
Hi, Francine!
Francine, how's it goin'?
Oh, screw it!
- [ Chugging ]
- Stan?
Hey, Linda. Hey,
when'd you get those?
- Oh, hello, Linda.
- My God! What happened toyour eye?
Yeah, what did happen toyour eye?
- I, uh-
- Please!
- Walked into a door.
- Ha! Gotta watch out for those doors, Francine.
- They're gonna get ya.
- Aah!
Well, I just came
to borrow some sugar...
but I can see, Francine,
that you need sugar...
so I'll get some... sugar.
- What was that about?
- Who knows? She's a weird chick.
That 52.3 cubic feet of
cargo space crazy big handy.
Most honorable wife, Ahi,
and number one son, Yellowtail, "aglee."
Okay. Super good time fun.
Domo arigato.
Another sale? Wow, Maria
doesn't have a prayer.
- You're goin' to Hawaii, pal.
- I owe it all toyou, Philip.
[Honking Horn ]
File this contract for me, will ya?
I'm gonna go "curry" their favor.
- [ Rings ]
- What doyou bet this "domestic abuse"
call turns out bogus?
Well, the neighbor said this guy's
already on house arrest for D.U.I.
Can I helpyou?
- How'd you get that shiner, Mrs. S?
- It's not whatyou think.
She walked into a door.
[ Chuckles ] You know?
Walk, walk, walk, walk-
Bam! [ Laughs ]
- [ Continues ]
- [Joins In Laughing ]
Stan, can I talk toyou?
Excuse us!
Look at these.
No way this kid's 1 8.
- This guy's a real sicko.
- [Monkeys Screaming, Banging]
What the hell was that?
- [ Monkeys Screaming ]
- [ Officer Screaming ]
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off!. Off!.
Off!. Ooh! No, no, no!
Son of a- God!
[ Offiicer Continues
Screaming]
- [Stan ] Roger did what?
- [Francine ] Stan, please! No more violence!
- I 'll kill him!
- You can't leave! You're still under house arr-
[ Screams, Grunts ]
Oh, my eye!
I deserved it,
for leaving the mop out.
- [Pistol Cocking]
- Holdit right there, dirtbag!
- Kiss my ass, pigs!
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
[ Shouts, Groans ]
Hi, uh, hope this isn't
a bad time, but...
your trash cans have been out on the curb
for a week, so, you know, whenever.
[Mr. Fusfeld]
Listen up, everyone.
The contest is over.
Time to announce the winner.
Oh, my God. This is it.
The trip to Hawaii goes to
our number-one salesperson, Philip!
- Philip?
- What?
He sold twice
as many cars as anyone.
But-But these are my sales.
Well, they all have
Philip's sales number on 'em.
You didn't sell any.
You're fired.
I thought I was your pal.
[ Crying ]
[ Sinister Chuckling ]
- What the hell areyou doing here?
- You're pretty mad at me.
Mad? Whywould I be mad? Just because
I'm being held without bail...
for domestic abuse, animal cruelty,
child pornography and attempted murder?
- Attempted murder?
- [ Muffled ] Aah! I'll kill you!
You're dead! You're-
[ Screams ]
- So, yes. I'm pretty mad.
- I know this doesn't really matter now...
but... you win.
- Huh?
- You're a better man ofthe house than I am.
I don't know how you manage
to do everything you do...
but this family's lucky to haveyou.
- And so am I.
- Oh, I-
- I-I don't know what to say.
- Ah, you could say...
you have a whole new appreciation
for how tough it is to be me.
There's something you should
know about me by now, Roger.
I don't learn lessons.
Now, ifI'm gonna get out ofhere...
we need to start
doing things myway.
The C.I.A. way.
We need a patsy.
- A patsy?
- Someone we can frame for everything.
Someone vile. An evil person,
who deserves to be punished.
- Any ideas?
- [ Hangs Up Receiver]
Hmm. Got it!
These people are insane!
I'm innocent.
That's the man who broke
into my home and punched me.
Right before he locked all those
poor monkeys in our basement.
And took pictures of my no-no parts.
He made me call him "Uncle Bad Touch!"
[ Cries ]
I've never seen them
before in my life.
They're obviously lying,
to protect the father.
- But whywould theywant to finger this guy?
- [ Giggling ]
We searched his apartment.
The place was clean.
Except for this.
He's got tons of Nazi stuff.
Some kind ofweird collector, I guess.
Sir, can you explain this?
Yeah, I'm a member of
the Anti-Zionist Aryan Brotherhood.
So what?
This is America!
- He's right. That stuffis legal.
- So, what doyou want to do, Lieutenant Goldberg?
[His VoiceAs A Child]
Don't go, Papa!
[Father's Voice ]
Run, Nathan! Run as fast asyou can...
and go to America, become a police
offiicer, and rise up through the ranks.
Then, one day, you can use
your power to avenge us all.
- [ Dogs Barking ]
- [ Young Goldberg ] Papa!
- [ Nazi ] Schnel l! Macht schnel l!
- [ Dogs Barking ]
- Put hi m i n my car.
- But-
- Do it!
- Oh! What do you think this is?
- Nazi Germany?
- You are free to do.
- [Philip ] That would be awesome!
- [ Family Cheering ]
Never thought I'd say this,
but I missed having you in charge.
Well, I never thought
I'd say this...
- but I loveyou guys!
- Oh, Stan!
Bye-bye! Seeyou soon!