American Auto (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Crisis - full transcript
Okay, everybody, everybody?
Um, quick heads-up.
I presume some of you may have
heard some of these accusations
that have been flying
around about defective pawls
and a cover-up, et cetera.
Well, if there is
an investigation,
we may receive a "preservation
of evidence" order.
That makes it illegal for you
to destroy any documents, okay?
We actually
haven't received one yet, okay?
So, um, you know, at
this moment in time,
the destruction of documents
is not presently a crime, so...
Our stock's already down 20%.
This is the worst
day of my life.
Yeah, a lot of people
are hurting right now.
Yeah, but I'm being
hurt the most, you know,
'cause I own the most stock.
- Huge discovery this morning:
McDonald's sells bagels.
- Hmm.
How you guys holding up?
I may have to get
rid of Rosalita.
- Your housekeeper?
- What? No.
Mayra's my housekeeper, and
sometimes her daughter helps.
Rosalita's my catamaran.
She's a 42-foot Crowther,
and now I don't know if
I can afford to keep her.
- Wow.
- Yes, not fair, exactly.
If you have deleted
any sensitive files
off your computer,
The authorities
will be able to retrieve them,
you know, unless you happen
to run your hard drive
through an industrial-grade
degausser...
Like the one located
in room 261 of
the IT department.
Now, some of you
may be wondering,
"Elliot, what's with
the power drill?"
♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
All right, for the
next couple of days,
or as long as this
little crisis lasts,
this is officially our...
- Wah-room?
- What?
No, war room.
It does look like wah-room.
- Yeah.
- You want me to rewrite it?
Everyone knows what
it says, all right?
Will you just put it up, please?
You want me to take
it to the print shop?
I can make it look
more professional.
Eh, don't bother.
By the time they finish,
this thing will all be over.
Oh, everyone's met Ian, right?
He's the best crisis
manager out there.
He got us through a lot
of thorny stuff at York,
and he has also worked with...
- Eh, bah-bah-bah.
We don't talk about
other clients,
but let's just say
I am his top gun,
and to make him seem normal
is a mission impossible.
All right, so we are
in very good hands.
All right, my SEO guys
are working to choke
this story out.
When you Google "Payne scandal,"
all you're gonna get is
15 articles on Wesley
going to a college
Halloween party
dressed as Whoopi Goldberg.
- Oh...
It wasn't Whoopi.
I was a Rasta guy.
All right, where are
we with the bad pawls?
- That's some good news.
- Mm.
We stress-tested them,
and even though they
weren't technically rated
for the weight of the Hydra,
they were able to hold it.
I went on the NHTSA
database, all right?
Prior to the interview airing,
the number of complaints about
Hydras rolling out of park
was in line with any other car.
- Okay, score one.
Just because nothing
terrible has happened yet
doesn't mean it's not going to.
I think we should still
do the recall, to be safe.
I agree. We should
get ahead of this.
Shocker... Jack and Sadie
are on the same side.
It's like, "Have sex already."
I mean, you already
did have sex,
so it's like, "Do
it again already,"
in front of us or something...
Could you imagine?
Here's my card for
when you need it.
It's gonna look shady if I
go to the press and I say,
"Oh, the pawls totally work.
Oh, but, also, we're
doing a recall."
Yeah, you shouldn't be
talking to the press at all.
Anyone we throw out there
right now would be savaged.
Oh, yeah, like one
of those videos
where you see, like, a
bear tear a person apart.
Uh, it's normally in
Russia, so don't worry.
- Oh.
- All right, if somebody's
gonna jump on the
grenade, it should be me.
Great, 'cause I was gonna say
that I could do it, but...
Fine. Sadie'll
talk to the press.
You said you'd...
Yeah, I'll do it.
Love to. Happy to.
- Okay, perfect.
I know this is stressful,
but if there is one thing
that I know about myself,
it is that I don't lose.
- Mm-hmm.
We will get through this.
Oh, . Jesus,
that's awful.
Oh, it's just how I imagined it.
- Second breakfast?
- Third.
I eat when I'm stressed.
I was up all night Googling
corporate scandals.
People go to jail.
This isn't some giant
pyramid scheme, all right?
We... we put a wonky part in
a few mid-range crossovers
and got called out for it.
So you're not worried
they'll need a fall guy
and it could be one of us?
Well, it's not gonna be me.
Anytime I find myself in a
legally dubious situation,
I write myself a
contemporaneous memo.
So I have one dated from that
night saved on my computer
saying that I
advocated for a recall.
But you said we
shouldn't do a recall.
Oh, Cyrus.
That's not how my
memo remembers it.
Ta-ta.
Ugh. I hate this.
Why'd you volunteer if
you didn't want to do it?
I was trying to look good
in front of Katherine.
I mean, it's like offering
to split the check on a date.
You don't think they're
gonna take you up on that.
Uh, I let the lady pay
for the whole thing.
It shows that I'm worth it.
Knock, knock. Ready
to face the mob?
Yes, just going over
my statement here.
Great. Let me
take a look here.
No.
Nope. Uh-uh.
Huh-uh. Huh-uh.
Uh-uh.
All right.
There you go. Godspeed.
Ian, you kind of
crossed out a lot here.
I'm sorry, Sadie.
How many companies have
you saved from bankruptcy?
Um, to my knowledge, zero.
And I'm assuming most of
the press conferences you do
are cutesy fun things,
like factory openings,
charity events,
where wheelchair kids
get to meet John Cena.
We don't call them
"wheelchair kids."
Fine, but you're
in my world now,
where the more you say,
the more they can attack.
So you say nothing
and admit even less.
Got it?
We just call them kids.
See, I wrote the
memo months ago.
It was about how I wanted
to recall the Hydra,
but for some reason, it
says I wrote it today,
and I need it to say
I wrote it back then.
So you want me
to violate the fundamental
rules of space-time?
That's a good one.
No, I just need you
to make it look like it
was written back then,
contemporaneously.
- Oh. Mm.
- Oh, uh-huh?
- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.
You want me to
alter the metadata
to help you commit fraud.
This has been fun,
Chloe. You're fun.
You can go now.
Sadie, did Katherine
Hastings know
the cars contained
defective locking pawls?
Well, Nate, that assumes that
the pawls were defective,
which we're not saying.
It also implies
that the Hydra's a car,
when, actually it's
a light SUV, so...
Andrea.
Uh, yes, there are currently
more than one million
Hydras on the road.
Oof, according to you.
No, according to your website.
Well, I don't make the website.
Or do I?
No definitive answer on that.
Excuse me.
Are you hot?
Mmm, mmm!
I don't drink enough water...
- just in my...
- sorry... day.
How would you say this is going?
The flop sweats don't
really help her credibility.
It's super unattractive.
Guys, there's no story here.
A story is when
something happens,
and, literally,
nothing has happened.
Man, it's beautiful
up here, huh?
Look at that view.
- The car's rolling!
- What?
- The car's rolling!
- Oh, my God!
It's gonna hit!
Oh, my...
- Dad, make it stop!
Boys, back up! Back up!
This whole thing is just...
It's all smoke and no fire.
In just a short time,
the Payne Wildfire
has scorched over 10,000 acres
and remains zero
percent contained.
Uh, hey, Cyrus, what happened
to "we stress-tested the pawls,
they can hold the Hydra"?
They can if it was just
the weight of the car,
but those people loaded it down
with, like, 300 pounds
of camping gear.
Great. So we'll
just warn people
the Hydra's perfectly safe
unless you put anything into it,
at which point it becomes
an absolute death trap.
Elliot, why you scratching...
What's wrong with your face?
- Ew, is that herpes?
- Uh-uh. How can it be herpes?
He's not having sex with anyone.
Uh, okay, first of all,
it absolutely could
be herpes, all right?
I could have loads of herpes,
but it is hives from the stress.
Okay, guys, there is
no need to stress.
According to six
different meteorologists,
the wind is shifting.
The fire's gonna burn
out in two days, max.
What is done is done.
All we can do now is figure out
the best way to move forward.
Ian, what do you advise?
- Off the top of my head:
hire a PI, dig up some dirt
on the people in the video.
Was the dad high? Was he
drunk? Was he even their dad?
Because all I saw
was a grown man,
potentially high, in the
woods with two boys, filming.
This whole thing... This
is why we should've done
a total recall from the start.
Oh, "Total Recall"...
"I'll be back."
I'm with Jack.
We've been saying we
should've done the recall
from day one.
You said we shouldn't
do the recall, Cyrus.
Um, no, Jack, I definitely
was one of the people who said
that we should do the recall.
You said, "We
better not do it."
We're gonna do the
recall now, okay?
Let's do the recall now.
Sadie, why don't you announce
it at the press conference?
Oh, I-I'm going back out there?
I mean, Ian can jump
in, if you want.
No. No, no. No, I've got it.
I loved... I loved it.
And, honestly, that
was a no-win situation.
That wouldn't have gone well
even if you'd done a good job.
Yes, exactly.
Hey, Katherine.
Uh, so I know I
didn't do so great
with the press the other day.
- Eh...
Yeah, you got your
butt smacked a little,
but, I mean, look, it
happens to the best of us...
Sometimes by choice, actually.
Yeah, I just got in my head,
but I really want to do a
good job for you out there,
so, I mean, if you've
got any pointers...
Just take charge up there.
You're a strong woman.
I am?
I mean, I know that I am.
I just... I didn't
think that you...
Look, sometimes, sure, you
come off a little bit at first
like, you know, one of
Cinderella's mice on speed.
You know, like, "Oh, we can
do this, and we can do that,
and...
Right? But underneath that,
there is a wolf, okay?
That's the scary bitch
I want you to be.
Okay, want me to be, like, a
scary wolf bitch out there?
Yeah, perfect.
Do that, and you'll be great.
- Okay.
Oh, and double up on
the antiperspirant.
It was starting to look
like some kind of bad
menopause drug commercial.
Ah.
God, okay.
Mmm.
You don't break those up first?
- What's the difference?
- It's just weird.
I've never seen someone
eat a Kit Kat like that.
I feel like
I was just starting to
prove myself to Katherine,
and then I fall
apart on live TV.
I mean, I wasn't sweating
that much, though, was I?
No, no more than your average
Southern 1920s country lawyer.
We all react
differently to pressure.
You sweat. I snack.
Elliot... starts to rot.
Yeah, and I can't
stop working out.
It's like I'm trying to
run away from the guilt.
I've already lost six pounds.
You're a very annoying
person to be around.
What I want to know is, how
is Katherine staying so calm?
Like, we're all falling apart,
and she's becoming the
best version of herself.
Well, that's what being
a CEO is, you know.
You need to be able to eat
pressure, let it nourish you.
Just break it into pieces.
- Why do you care?
- It's bothering me.
Oh, don't.
Don't you bite it. Get...
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I'll kill the
"Bloomberg" story.
I have dirt on an editor
there. He's a sick pup.
Katherine, Soren's
office has called twice.
They want to set an
emergency meeting.
- Soren?
- Chairman of the Board.
They were already after my job.
I doubt they're calling
to tell me that a scandal
and a plummeting stock price
have made them reconsider.
Look, my advice
is, push them off.
Even if they are thinking
about replacing you,
when you fix this crisis,
you'll show what you're worth.
It's true. Every disaster
presents an opportunity.
This fire could be my Chernobyl.
Uh, that one didn't go
well, though, right?
- Yeah, but it could've.
- But it didn't.
Yeah, but it will.
Okay. All right.
Positive Chernobyl.
Chernobyl.
I keep
refreshing my news feed,
waiting for them to
get this fire out.
It's awful.
Look, whatever happens,
you're gonna be taken care of.
You're like family.
Worst comes to worst,
come work for me.
Work for you? Doing what?
I don't know. You
could be my...
style guy/personal assistant.
It'd be like "Entourage,"
where I'm the "star"
and you're my best friend
who also works for me.
We could be double-teaming girls
in my hot tub every night.
Yeah, I don't remember that
happening on "Entourage."
It did, offscreen. But
how awesome would that be?
You'd be my Turtle.
- Yeah.
Yeah, thanks. I'll
think about it.
Would you rather be E?
I just figured Turtle's the
closest one to a Black guy.
Mm.
- Sadie. Miss Ryan.
- Sadie, are you concerned
that Payne will lose
customers over this?
Uh, well, let's see, you've
lost most of your readers,
and you're still in business.
Tom.
Do you accept
responsibility for the fire?
Do you accept responsibility
for your weak chin?
Wow, attacking a reporter's
physical appearance...
Not what I would've done.
I mean, I told her
to be aggressive,
but this is just catty.
You know, and you're gonna
feel like an idiot, Tom,
like an absolute moron
because you and your
Chicken Little friends here,
you're bitching and whining,
when I guarantee that this fire
will be out in two days, so f...
That was one week ago,
but the Payne Fire
continues to rage on,
now covering over 100,000 acres
and zero percent contained.
Smoke and ash from the
inferno is drifting
across the country,
reddening the skies over Payne,
as we continue wondering,
what did they know, and
when did they know it?
Welp, who would've thought
the weather geeks had
no damn clue what
they were talking about?
But, you know, there's
always black swan events
that you can't predict, right?
- Uh, more bad news:
my PI couldn't dig up
any dirt on that family.
Apparently they were his kids,
and no one was molesting anyone.
Gosh, you really
cannot win them all.
Also, our share price
stumbled another 12%,
and Biden called us "a blight
on our national honor."
Wow. Little harsh
there, Joe, right?
All right, onward
and upward, right?
Thanks, guys.
- Okay, yeah, back at it.
Yeah.
How are you doing with all this?
I know you're
dealing with a lot.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
If you ever want
to talk about it,
you know, just as,
like, friends...
I know we're
not friends, technically.
I don't want to overstep,
but we could be more...
Don't have to put a label on it.
Look what came for
the conference room.
Oh, see, things are
looking up already.
I still see wah-room.
Uh, hey, guys?
Uh, some of our internal emails
have been leaking to the
press, and it really sounds
like we're running around
with our hair on fire.
It's embarrassing.
So maybe please stop
using the terms like, uh,
"disaster," "clunker,"
"dumpster fire,"
"bloodbath," "death wagon,"
"Satan's wet dream,"
and, of course, "
show," " sandwich,"
"storm,"
and " fire."
Uh, what's a fire?
I can only assume it's a fire
made of ... I don't know.
Checks out.
I am not a bad person.
I don't want things to burn.
Is that what you guys think,
that, like, I'm on
the fire's side,
that I'm some mean fire lady?
This is hard.
Do you know how hard this
has been for... like, for me?
And not that... It's
not about me. I...
I'm just... next question.
Oh, God.
Thank you. You have no
idea how good that feels.
That is making me
physically ill.
Oh, right, yes, it's my
dermatological condition
that's making you feel sick and
not the fact that you're eating
cake topped with butter.
It's not cake. It's a muffin.
A chocolate muffin is cake.
It just has a little
jacket around it.
How the hell does
she remain so calm?
She the one with
the job in jeopardy.
Meanwhile, we the
ones falling apart.
- Okay...
- Nothing gets to her.
You look like you're doing okay.
I'm not. I haven't pooped
once since all this started.
It's been over a month.
I don't know where it goes.
I guess it just, like...
evaporates or something.
What day is it?
- Wednesday.
- Yeah.
No.
Friday?
- Mm.
I can't do any more
press conferences.
I feel like I'm in
one of those movies
where you replay the
same day on a loop,
but somehow I'm
learning less each time.
It's
been pretty rough.
Don't
laugh. It's...
You try embarrassing
yourself on national TV.
Uh, you mean like that time
I was on a news program
and I talked about how
into a coworker I was?
To which she replied...
- That's not what I did.
- Uh, it's pretty close.
- That's not what I did.
- It's pretty close.
You know my friends
still make fun of me
for getting denied
in prime time?
- I wasn't denying you.
- I'm joking.
No, but I'm just saying,
it wasn't, like, personal.
- Hmm.
- You know, if we didn't work
15 feet from each
other, then who knows?
So, if Payne goes
out of business
and we all go to prison, then...
Just give me a call
when you get out.
That's something
to look forward to.
Night.
- Night.
Hundreds of exhausted
firefighters
are working into the night
battling the Payne Fire,
which is now the largest in
the history of the state.
Wait. Stop. Is... is that us?
No, that's some fat guy.
Have been forced to
abandon their homes.
Oh, my God, I'm the fat guy.
Okay, guys, let's stay on task.
Sadie...
- Mm.
How close are they to
putting out the fires?
Last I heard,
they're 2% contained,
but, you know, 2% of 300,000
acres... that's a lot.
Yes, I like that optimism.
Okay, where are we with
regulatory, Elephant Man?
Uh, yeah, um, fat stack of fines
and a congressional
investigation, I think.
Our stock's already
at an all-time low.
I had to sell my boat.
Now I'm a guy with
just one boat,
like a frickin' cuck.
How about the recall,
Professor Klump?
Yeah, um, the recall is
going slower than expected,
and, also, it's more
expensive than we expected.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Guys, come on, it's
not that bad, right?
I mean, Ian, I'm
sure you've dealt
with way worse
situations than this.
Uh, no.
Mm.
Okay, well, uh,
I guess tomorrow morning,
we will reconvene.
Uh, you got a meeting
with Soren in the morning.
I couldn't put him off
anymore. He's coming in person.
Ah.
Wow, he's, uh, flying
in for the meeting.
Oh.
Must be important.
Well, he probably doesn't
want to fire you over Zoom.
Okay, like I'm the only
one in here thinking it.
Maybe... maybe he just
wants to see the frogs.
- What frogs?
- You haven't been outside?
There's all these frogs
from the Detroit River
trying to get away
from the smoke.
Yeah, they're everywhere.
They got into my kitchen,
just ribbiting all night.
Wait. I'm sorry,
did you say "frogs"?
- What... what's so funny?
- I mean, it's funny.
These frogs?
Every time, I think to myself,
"This is as bad as
it can get," right?
And then, nope, frogs.
It's biblical, you know?
I mean, there's fires,
darkness, a guy with boils.
T-they're hives.
And now frogs!
Ooh, and my boat... that
could be, like, a Noah thing.
It's... it's gonna be okay.
No, no, no, it's not
gonna be okay, okay?
We all know it's
not gonna be okay.
I mean, I tell you guys
it's gonna be okay.
And you know why?
- 'C... 'cause you don't lose?
No, I tell you
it's gonna be okay
so that you all
don't panic, okay?
I mean,
outside, I'm all like,
"Hey, guys, everything's
gonna be just fine.
Brighter days tomorrow.
Cheer up, okay?"
Do you want to know what
I'm thinking inside?
Would you like to know
what I am thinking inside?
Yeah, yeah.
We're!
We're all!
All of us are!
All right!
Well, I'd say I'd
see you tomorrow,
but my money's on an asteroid
destroying the planet
by morning.
You're a nation of inbreds!
That's why you lost the war!
Hey.
You meet with Soren yet?
- Not yet.
But I got the heads-up
this morning: I'm out.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Please don't be.
It is fine.
I mean, my lawyer says
that my early-termination
penalties are so broad,
they're gonna end up paying
me more than I would've made
in five years of actually
working here, so...
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Jeez, I got to
check my contract.
Yeah, I think I am due for
some well-earned self-care.
Spend some time with Richard...
- Yeah.
You know, read, travel,
drink Bellinis on
the beach at dawn.
I'm happy for you.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
Thank you for everything.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah.
And you're welcome, too.
Yes, right, thank
you for everything.
Absolutely are welcome.
Was it one of those little,
polite "thanks,
sweetie" type hugs?
No, it was like an
actual, genuine embrace.
How did she feel?
I feel like she'd feel cold,
like hugging Elsa
from "Frozen."
No, just normal.
She was happy. I think this
is a good thing for her.
Oh, it's the end of
an era, you know?
Not a very long one, but,
uh... But an era nonetheless.
- Yo.
- Mm?
I just had a telehealth visit,
and doctor said if
I don't poop soon,
they're gonna have to medically
induce the poop out of me.
We, uh, added a little bonus
for bowing out graciously.
It's more than generous.
Well, I'm sorry about all this.
There's just a lot of
very angry shareholders,
so a few heads have to roll.
A few heads?
I knew about my head.
I didn't realize that
there would be other...
Any specific heads
or just any old head?
Not many, just, you know,
whoever knew about the pawls.
Yeah, um, Cyrus Knight,
Elliot Chisholm, Sadie Ryan,
a few others.
- Okay.
Anyway, thanks for everything,
and we wish you luck.
Give us six months.
- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, six months.
Let me keep my team.
If... if we can't
get the stock price
back to where it was
before all this happened,
then I will walk, and you
don't have to pay me a dime.
Hang on.
Best-case scenario...
You work your ass
off to make less
than what you already have
on the table in front of you,
or you lose everything.
Oh. Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, there she is.
- Come here, you.
- No.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna be sticking around.
- Hey.
- I sweet-talked them.
- Wow!
- That's great.
What happened to self-care?
Let's just say I cared
more about something else.
- Huh.
- Hmm.
Basically, they were
gonna fire all you guys,
and I threw myself on a
grenade to save your jobs.
It was very heroic, and you
all owe me big-time, so...
Uh...
Huh.
I am not gonna forget it.
Um, quick heads-up.
I presume some of you may have
heard some of these accusations
that have been flying
around about defective pawls
and a cover-up, et cetera.
Well, if there is
an investigation,
we may receive a "preservation
of evidence" order.
That makes it illegal for you
to destroy any documents, okay?
We actually
haven't received one yet, okay?
So, um, you know, at
this moment in time,
the destruction of documents
is not presently a crime, so...
Our stock's already down 20%.
This is the worst
day of my life.
Yeah, a lot of people
are hurting right now.
Yeah, but I'm being
hurt the most, you know,
'cause I own the most stock.
- Huge discovery this morning:
McDonald's sells bagels.
- Hmm.
How you guys holding up?
I may have to get
rid of Rosalita.
- Your housekeeper?
- What? No.
Mayra's my housekeeper, and
sometimes her daughter helps.
Rosalita's my catamaran.
She's a 42-foot Crowther,
and now I don't know if
I can afford to keep her.
- Wow.
- Yes, not fair, exactly.
If you have deleted
any sensitive files
off your computer,
The authorities
will be able to retrieve them,
you know, unless you happen
to run your hard drive
through an industrial-grade
degausser...
Like the one located
in room 261 of
the IT department.
Now, some of you
may be wondering,
"Elliot, what's with
the power drill?"
♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
All right, for the
next couple of days,
or as long as this
little crisis lasts,
this is officially our...
- Wah-room?
- What?
No, war room.
It does look like wah-room.
- Yeah.
- You want me to rewrite it?
Everyone knows what
it says, all right?
Will you just put it up, please?
You want me to take
it to the print shop?
I can make it look
more professional.
Eh, don't bother.
By the time they finish,
this thing will all be over.
Oh, everyone's met Ian, right?
He's the best crisis
manager out there.
He got us through a lot
of thorny stuff at York,
and he has also worked with...
- Eh, bah-bah-bah.
We don't talk about
other clients,
but let's just say
I am his top gun,
and to make him seem normal
is a mission impossible.
All right, so we are
in very good hands.
All right, my SEO guys
are working to choke
this story out.
When you Google "Payne scandal,"
all you're gonna get is
15 articles on Wesley
going to a college
Halloween party
dressed as Whoopi Goldberg.
- Oh...
It wasn't Whoopi.
I was a Rasta guy.
All right, where are
we with the bad pawls?
- That's some good news.
- Mm.
We stress-tested them,
and even though they
weren't technically rated
for the weight of the Hydra,
they were able to hold it.
I went on the NHTSA
database, all right?
Prior to the interview airing,
the number of complaints about
Hydras rolling out of park
was in line with any other car.
- Okay, score one.
Just because nothing
terrible has happened yet
doesn't mean it's not going to.
I think we should still
do the recall, to be safe.
I agree. We should
get ahead of this.
Shocker... Jack and Sadie
are on the same side.
It's like, "Have sex already."
I mean, you already
did have sex,
so it's like, "Do
it again already,"
in front of us or something...
Could you imagine?
Here's my card for
when you need it.
It's gonna look shady if I
go to the press and I say,
"Oh, the pawls totally work.
Oh, but, also, we're
doing a recall."
Yeah, you shouldn't be
talking to the press at all.
Anyone we throw out there
right now would be savaged.
Oh, yeah, like one
of those videos
where you see, like, a
bear tear a person apart.
Uh, it's normally in
Russia, so don't worry.
- Oh.
- All right, if somebody's
gonna jump on the
grenade, it should be me.
Great, 'cause I was gonna say
that I could do it, but...
Fine. Sadie'll
talk to the press.
You said you'd...
Yeah, I'll do it.
Love to. Happy to.
- Okay, perfect.
I know this is stressful,
but if there is one thing
that I know about myself,
it is that I don't lose.
- Mm-hmm.
We will get through this.
Oh, . Jesus,
that's awful.
Oh, it's just how I imagined it.
- Second breakfast?
- Third.
I eat when I'm stressed.
I was up all night Googling
corporate scandals.
People go to jail.
This isn't some giant
pyramid scheme, all right?
We... we put a wonky part in
a few mid-range crossovers
and got called out for it.
So you're not worried
they'll need a fall guy
and it could be one of us?
Well, it's not gonna be me.
Anytime I find myself in a
legally dubious situation,
I write myself a
contemporaneous memo.
So I have one dated from that
night saved on my computer
saying that I
advocated for a recall.
But you said we
shouldn't do a recall.
Oh, Cyrus.
That's not how my
memo remembers it.
Ta-ta.
Ugh. I hate this.
Why'd you volunteer if
you didn't want to do it?
I was trying to look good
in front of Katherine.
I mean, it's like offering
to split the check on a date.
You don't think they're
gonna take you up on that.
Uh, I let the lady pay
for the whole thing.
It shows that I'm worth it.
Knock, knock. Ready
to face the mob?
Yes, just going over
my statement here.
Great. Let me
take a look here.
No.
Nope. Uh-uh.
Huh-uh. Huh-uh.
Uh-uh.
All right.
There you go. Godspeed.
Ian, you kind of
crossed out a lot here.
I'm sorry, Sadie.
How many companies have
you saved from bankruptcy?
Um, to my knowledge, zero.
And I'm assuming most of
the press conferences you do
are cutesy fun things,
like factory openings,
charity events,
where wheelchair kids
get to meet John Cena.
We don't call them
"wheelchair kids."
Fine, but you're
in my world now,
where the more you say,
the more they can attack.
So you say nothing
and admit even less.
Got it?
We just call them kids.
See, I wrote the
memo months ago.
It was about how I wanted
to recall the Hydra,
but for some reason, it
says I wrote it today,
and I need it to say
I wrote it back then.
So you want me
to violate the fundamental
rules of space-time?
That's a good one.
No, I just need you
to make it look like it
was written back then,
contemporaneously.
- Oh. Mm.
- Oh, uh-huh?
- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.
You want me to
alter the metadata
to help you commit fraud.
This has been fun,
Chloe. You're fun.
You can go now.
Sadie, did Katherine
Hastings know
the cars contained
defective locking pawls?
Well, Nate, that assumes that
the pawls were defective,
which we're not saying.
It also implies
that the Hydra's a car,
when, actually it's
a light SUV, so...
Andrea.
Uh, yes, there are currently
more than one million
Hydras on the road.
Oof, according to you.
No, according to your website.
Well, I don't make the website.
Or do I?
No definitive answer on that.
Excuse me.
Are you hot?
Mmm, mmm!
I don't drink enough water...
- just in my...
- sorry... day.
How would you say this is going?
The flop sweats don't
really help her credibility.
It's super unattractive.
Guys, there's no story here.
A story is when
something happens,
and, literally,
nothing has happened.
Man, it's beautiful
up here, huh?
Look at that view.
- The car's rolling!
- What?
- The car's rolling!
- Oh, my God!
It's gonna hit!
Oh, my...
- Dad, make it stop!
Boys, back up! Back up!
This whole thing is just...
It's all smoke and no fire.
In just a short time,
the Payne Wildfire
has scorched over 10,000 acres
and remains zero
percent contained.
Uh, hey, Cyrus, what happened
to "we stress-tested the pawls,
they can hold the Hydra"?
They can if it was just
the weight of the car,
but those people loaded it down
with, like, 300 pounds
of camping gear.
Great. So we'll
just warn people
the Hydra's perfectly safe
unless you put anything into it,
at which point it becomes
an absolute death trap.
Elliot, why you scratching...
What's wrong with your face?
- Ew, is that herpes?
- Uh-uh. How can it be herpes?
He's not having sex with anyone.
Uh, okay, first of all,
it absolutely could
be herpes, all right?
I could have loads of herpes,
but it is hives from the stress.
Okay, guys, there is
no need to stress.
According to six
different meteorologists,
the wind is shifting.
The fire's gonna burn
out in two days, max.
What is done is done.
All we can do now is figure out
the best way to move forward.
Ian, what do you advise?
- Off the top of my head:
hire a PI, dig up some dirt
on the people in the video.
Was the dad high? Was he
drunk? Was he even their dad?
Because all I saw
was a grown man,
potentially high, in the
woods with two boys, filming.
This whole thing... This
is why we should've done
a total recall from the start.
Oh, "Total Recall"...
"I'll be back."
I'm with Jack.
We've been saying we
should've done the recall
from day one.
You said we shouldn't
do the recall, Cyrus.
Um, no, Jack, I definitely
was one of the people who said
that we should do the recall.
You said, "We
better not do it."
We're gonna do the
recall now, okay?
Let's do the recall now.
Sadie, why don't you announce
it at the press conference?
Oh, I-I'm going back out there?
I mean, Ian can jump
in, if you want.
No. No, no. No, I've got it.
I loved... I loved it.
And, honestly, that
was a no-win situation.
That wouldn't have gone well
even if you'd done a good job.
Yes, exactly.
Hey, Katherine.
Uh, so I know I
didn't do so great
with the press the other day.
- Eh...
Yeah, you got your
butt smacked a little,
but, I mean, look, it
happens to the best of us...
Sometimes by choice, actually.
Yeah, I just got in my head,
but I really want to do a
good job for you out there,
so, I mean, if you've
got any pointers...
Just take charge up there.
You're a strong woman.
I am?
I mean, I know that I am.
I just... I didn't
think that you...
Look, sometimes, sure, you
come off a little bit at first
like, you know, one of
Cinderella's mice on speed.
You know, like, "Oh, we can
do this, and we can do that,
and...
Right? But underneath that,
there is a wolf, okay?
That's the scary bitch
I want you to be.
Okay, want me to be, like, a
scary wolf bitch out there?
Yeah, perfect.
Do that, and you'll be great.
- Okay.
Oh, and double up on
the antiperspirant.
It was starting to look
like some kind of bad
menopause drug commercial.
Ah.
God, okay.
Mmm.
You don't break those up first?
- What's the difference?
- It's just weird.
I've never seen someone
eat a Kit Kat like that.
I feel like
I was just starting to
prove myself to Katherine,
and then I fall
apart on live TV.
I mean, I wasn't sweating
that much, though, was I?
No, no more than your average
Southern 1920s country lawyer.
We all react
differently to pressure.
You sweat. I snack.
Elliot... starts to rot.
Yeah, and I can't
stop working out.
It's like I'm trying to
run away from the guilt.
I've already lost six pounds.
You're a very annoying
person to be around.
What I want to know is, how
is Katherine staying so calm?
Like, we're all falling apart,
and she's becoming the
best version of herself.
Well, that's what being
a CEO is, you know.
You need to be able to eat
pressure, let it nourish you.
Just break it into pieces.
- Why do you care?
- It's bothering me.
Oh, don't.
Don't you bite it. Get...
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I'll kill the
"Bloomberg" story.
I have dirt on an editor
there. He's a sick pup.
Katherine, Soren's
office has called twice.
They want to set an
emergency meeting.
- Soren?
- Chairman of the Board.
They were already after my job.
I doubt they're calling
to tell me that a scandal
and a plummeting stock price
have made them reconsider.
Look, my advice
is, push them off.
Even if they are thinking
about replacing you,
when you fix this crisis,
you'll show what you're worth.
It's true. Every disaster
presents an opportunity.
This fire could be my Chernobyl.
Uh, that one didn't go
well, though, right?
- Yeah, but it could've.
- But it didn't.
Yeah, but it will.
Okay. All right.
Positive Chernobyl.
Chernobyl.
I keep
refreshing my news feed,
waiting for them to
get this fire out.
It's awful.
Look, whatever happens,
you're gonna be taken care of.
You're like family.
Worst comes to worst,
come work for me.
Work for you? Doing what?
I don't know. You
could be my...
style guy/personal assistant.
It'd be like "Entourage,"
where I'm the "star"
and you're my best friend
who also works for me.
We could be double-teaming girls
in my hot tub every night.
Yeah, I don't remember that
happening on "Entourage."
It did, offscreen. But
how awesome would that be?
You'd be my Turtle.
- Yeah.
Yeah, thanks. I'll
think about it.
Would you rather be E?
I just figured Turtle's the
closest one to a Black guy.
Mm.
- Sadie. Miss Ryan.
- Sadie, are you concerned
that Payne will lose
customers over this?
Uh, well, let's see, you've
lost most of your readers,
and you're still in business.
Tom.
Do you accept
responsibility for the fire?
Do you accept responsibility
for your weak chin?
Wow, attacking a reporter's
physical appearance...
Not what I would've done.
I mean, I told her
to be aggressive,
but this is just catty.
You know, and you're gonna
feel like an idiot, Tom,
like an absolute moron
because you and your
Chicken Little friends here,
you're bitching and whining,
when I guarantee that this fire
will be out in two days, so f...
That was one week ago,
but the Payne Fire
continues to rage on,
now covering over 100,000 acres
and zero percent contained.
Smoke and ash from the
inferno is drifting
across the country,
reddening the skies over Payne,
as we continue wondering,
what did they know, and
when did they know it?
Welp, who would've thought
the weather geeks had
no damn clue what
they were talking about?
But, you know, there's
always black swan events
that you can't predict, right?
- Uh, more bad news:
my PI couldn't dig up
any dirt on that family.
Apparently they were his kids,
and no one was molesting anyone.
Gosh, you really
cannot win them all.
Also, our share price
stumbled another 12%,
and Biden called us "a blight
on our national honor."
Wow. Little harsh
there, Joe, right?
All right, onward
and upward, right?
Thanks, guys.
- Okay, yeah, back at it.
Yeah.
How are you doing with all this?
I know you're
dealing with a lot.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
If you ever want
to talk about it,
you know, just as,
like, friends...
I know we're
not friends, technically.
I don't want to overstep,
but we could be more...
Don't have to put a label on it.
Look what came for
the conference room.
Oh, see, things are
looking up already.
I still see wah-room.
Uh, hey, guys?
Uh, some of our internal emails
have been leaking to the
press, and it really sounds
like we're running around
with our hair on fire.
It's embarrassing.
So maybe please stop
using the terms like, uh,
"disaster," "clunker,"
"dumpster fire,"
"bloodbath," "death wagon,"
"Satan's wet dream,"
and, of course, "
show," " sandwich,"
"storm,"
and " fire."
Uh, what's a fire?
I can only assume it's a fire
made of ... I don't know.
Checks out.
I am not a bad person.
I don't want things to burn.
Is that what you guys think,
that, like, I'm on
the fire's side,
that I'm some mean fire lady?
This is hard.
Do you know how hard this
has been for... like, for me?
And not that... It's
not about me. I...
I'm just... next question.
Oh, God.
Thank you. You have no
idea how good that feels.
That is making me
physically ill.
Oh, right, yes, it's my
dermatological condition
that's making you feel sick and
not the fact that you're eating
cake topped with butter.
It's not cake. It's a muffin.
A chocolate muffin is cake.
It just has a little
jacket around it.
How the hell does
she remain so calm?
She the one with
the job in jeopardy.
Meanwhile, we the
ones falling apart.
- Okay...
- Nothing gets to her.
You look like you're doing okay.
I'm not. I haven't pooped
once since all this started.
It's been over a month.
I don't know where it goes.
I guess it just, like...
evaporates or something.
What day is it?
- Wednesday.
- Yeah.
No.
Friday?
- Mm.
I can't do any more
press conferences.
I feel like I'm in
one of those movies
where you replay the
same day on a loop,
but somehow I'm
learning less each time.
It's
been pretty rough.
Don't
laugh. It's...
You try embarrassing
yourself on national TV.
Uh, you mean like that time
I was on a news program
and I talked about how
into a coworker I was?
To which she replied...
- That's not what I did.
- Uh, it's pretty close.
- That's not what I did.
- It's pretty close.
You know my friends
still make fun of me
for getting denied
in prime time?
- I wasn't denying you.
- I'm joking.
No, but I'm just saying,
it wasn't, like, personal.
- Hmm.
- You know, if we didn't work
15 feet from each
other, then who knows?
So, if Payne goes
out of business
and we all go to prison, then...
Just give me a call
when you get out.
That's something
to look forward to.
Night.
- Night.
Hundreds of exhausted
firefighters
are working into the night
battling the Payne Fire,
which is now the largest in
the history of the state.
Wait. Stop. Is... is that us?
No, that's some fat guy.
Have been forced to
abandon their homes.
Oh, my God, I'm the fat guy.
Okay, guys, let's stay on task.
Sadie...
- Mm.
How close are they to
putting out the fires?
Last I heard,
they're 2% contained,
but, you know, 2% of 300,000
acres... that's a lot.
Yes, I like that optimism.
Okay, where are we with
regulatory, Elephant Man?
Uh, yeah, um, fat stack of fines
and a congressional
investigation, I think.
Our stock's already
at an all-time low.
I had to sell my boat.
Now I'm a guy with
just one boat,
like a frickin' cuck.
How about the recall,
Professor Klump?
Yeah, um, the recall is
going slower than expected,
and, also, it's more
expensive than we expected.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Guys, come on, it's
not that bad, right?
I mean, Ian, I'm
sure you've dealt
with way worse
situations than this.
Uh, no.
Mm.
Okay, well, uh,
I guess tomorrow morning,
we will reconvene.
Uh, you got a meeting
with Soren in the morning.
I couldn't put him off
anymore. He's coming in person.
Ah.
Wow, he's, uh, flying
in for the meeting.
Oh.
Must be important.
Well, he probably doesn't
want to fire you over Zoom.
Okay, like I'm the only
one in here thinking it.
Maybe... maybe he just
wants to see the frogs.
- What frogs?
- You haven't been outside?
There's all these frogs
from the Detroit River
trying to get away
from the smoke.
Yeah, they're everywhere.
They got into my kitchen,
just ribbiting all night.
Wait. I'm sorry,
did you say "frogs"?
- What... what's so funny?
- I mean, it's funny.
These frogs?
Every time, I think to myself,
"This is as bad as
it can get," right?
And then, nope, frogs.
It's biblical, you know?
I mean, there's fires,
darkness, a guy with boils.
T-they're hives.
And now frogs!
Ooh, and my boat... that
could be, like, a Noah thing.
It's... it's gonna be okay.
No, no, no, it's not
gonna be okay, okay?
We all know it's
not gonna be okay.
I mean, I tell you guys
it's gonna be okay.
And you know why?
- 'C... 'cause you don't lose?
No, I tell you
it's gonna be okay
so that you all
don't panic, okay?
I mean,
outside, I'm all like,
"Hey, guys, everything's
gonna be just fine.
Brighter days tomorrow.
Cheer up, okay?"
Do you want to know what
I'm thinking inside?
Would you like to know
what I am thinking inside?
Yeah, yeah.
We're!
We're all!
All of us are!
All right!
Well, I'd say I'd
see you tomorrow,
but my money's on an asteroid
destroying the planet
by morning.
You're a nation of inbreds!
That's why you lost the war!
Hey.
You meet with Soren yet?
- Not yet.
But I got the heads-up
this morning: I'm out.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Please don't be.
It is fine.
I mean, my lawyer says
that my early-termination
penalties are so broad,
they're gonna end up paying
me more than I would've made
in five years of actually
working here, so...
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Jeez, I got to
check my contract.
Yeah, I think I am due for
some well-earned self-care.
Spend some time with Richard...
- Yeah.
You know, read, travel,
drink Bellinis on
the beach at dawn.
I'm happy for you.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
Thank you for everything.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah.
And you're welcome, too.
Yes, right, thank
you for everything.
Absolutely are welcome.
Was it one of those little,
polite "thanks,
sweetie" type hugs?
No, it was like an
actual, genuine embrace.
How did she feel?
I feel like she'd feel cold,
like hugging Elsa
from "Frozen."
No, just normal.
She was happy. I think this
is a good thing for her.
Oh, it's the end of
an era, you know?
Not a very long one, but,
uh... But an era nonetheless.
- Yo.
- Mm?
I just had a telehealth visit,
and doctor said if
I don't poop soon,
they're gonna have to medically
induce the poop out of me.
We, uh, added a little bonus
for bowing out graciously.
It's more than generous.
Well, I'm sorry about all this.
There's just a lot of
very angry shareholders,
so a few heads have to roll.
A few heads?
I knew about my head.
I didn't realize that
there would be other...
Any specific heads
or just any old head?
Not many, just, you know,
whoever knew about the pawls.
Yeah, um, Cyrus Knight,
Elliot Chisholm, Sadie Ryan,
a few others.
- Okay.
Anyway, thanks for everything,
and we wish you luck.
Give us six months.
- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, six months.
Let me keep my team.
If... if we can't
get the stock price
back to where it was
before all this happened,
then I will walk, and you
don't have to pay me a dime.
Hang on.
Best-case scenario...
You work your ass
off to make less
than what you already have
on the table in front of you,
or you lose everything.
Oh. Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, there she is.
- Come here, you.
- No.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna be sticking around.
- Hey.
- I sweet-talked them.
- Wow!
- That's great.
What happened to self-care?
Let's just say I cared
more about something else.
- Huh.
- Hmm.
Basically, they were
gonna fire all you guys,
and I threw myself on a
grenade to save your jobs.
It was very heroic, and you
all owe me big-time, so...
Uh...
Huh.
I am not gonna forget it.