American Auto (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Cost Cutting - full transcript

- It wouldn't be enough to
cover the entire recall,

but we could stop using
the corporate jets

for non-company business.

- We do that now?

- Well, some people take
"market research" trips

to every Mardi Gras.

- Uh, bullying? Anyone
want to step in here?

- Mm-mm.

- Couldn't we just charge,
like, 50 bucks more a car?

No one would notice.

- Yes, people
famously don't haggle



over the prices of their cars.

- None of that is big enough.

We have been at this for hours,

and all we've decided
is where to order lunch.

- We should have spent
more time on that.

This sandwich dry as hell.

- Look, I hate to be
the one to say it,

but we all know what
needs to be done.

We have to close a
factory.

I said I hate to
say it, all right?

That absolves me.

- I really don't
want to do that.

- None of us do, but sometimes

you have to cut off the
hand to save the arm.



- Ah, like zombies.

- Why are factory workers
always the first ones

on the chopping block?
- Mm.

- Nothing ever seems
to touch the people

with the cushy office jobs.

- You know what? That
is not a bad point.

I mean, it'd be a
bloodbath up here,

but downsizing executives
would get us a lot more savings

with fewer bodies.

- No, I wasn't suggesting
that we actually...

- You know, I hate to say it,

but we wouldn't have
to cut production

if we went with Jack's
Red Wedding thing.

- Okay, Red Wedding is not
what I was actually saying.

- We shouldn't fire anyone.
- Exactly.

- But if we have to,

we would get less
blowback with Jack's idea.

- And then we could
loosen restrictions

on the corporate jet, right?

- What is wrong
with you, Wesley?

These people 'bout to be
homeless and lose their jobs,

and you're worried about
seeing boobs for free?

- It's not free. It's
like a barter economy.

- Okay, fine. We'll
go with Jack's idea.

Let' start with
every department,

letting one executive go,

and then we'll
reassess from there.

- Oh, God. They have
no idea what's coming.

- Stop staring. You're
making it obvious.

Pretend I said
something inspiring.

Clap, clap, clap, clap.
- Oh, bravo.

But wait, wait,
wait, no, no, no, no.

It looks like we decided to
fire them and then applauded.

- Just close the blinds;
close the blinds.

- Yes. On it.
Closing the blinds.

- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

- I mean, Ros is
a cancer survivor.

If we let go of her,
she'll lose her insurance.

And Keith just adopted twins.

I mean, that's a bad
time to be out of a job.

- I didn't mean to
get anybody fired.

- Who would you let go of?

I mean, I have narrowed
it down to these four.

- You want me to decide?
- Well, yeah.

You want to be in management?

making hard decisions.

- Well, our first
lesson was actually

how to log into the web portal.

It's, like, needlessly
complicated...

- Right. I need this.

- Fine.

If I had to choose, I guess...

Syd.

He has the worst numbers
and the most complaints.

- Yeah. Sweet guy, though.

I was hoping you
wouldn't pick him.

- Oh, I can pick somebody...

- No, you're right.
It has to be Syd.

I just can't face him.
- Okay.

- Can you do it?

- Me?

- It'd hurt less
coming from you.

These people think of me as
like a cool, younger sister

or like an unobtainable crush.

- Do they?
- Mm-hmm.

- Ah, there she is.

Saint Dori saving the world
one mean comment at a time.

- Get away from me, Wesley.

- She's so perfect.

She would never
spend company money

going to a place where

sexual mores are
temporarily lowered.

- Because I don't need to.
- Okay, uh, Miss Pens.

God, for someone who cares
so much about the company,

you're pretty cavalier
with the pen usage.

You got blue, black,
red, another blue.

Must be nice.

- What does a pen cost?

Like, what? A dime?

- Yeah, but you multiply that

times, like, 20,000 employees,

who knows how much
that would save?

- $2,000.

- Did you just do
that in your head?

- I mean, I guess we
do use a lot of stuff

that we actually don't need.

Like, why does everybody
have tape on their desk?

We're not doing arts
and crafts up in here.

Yeah.

I mean, you cut some
pens; you cut some tape.

- That's, like, pure savings.
- Yeah.

- Let's go check
out the supply room.

- Ooh, yeah. Uh,
don't worry, guys.

This mismatched pair of ragtags
is gonna save your jobs.

And in the process,

we just may find out we have
more in common than we think.

- What does he
mean save our jobs?

Anyone know what
he means by that?

- Hey, Katherine.

"Ticker Tape" on CNBC wants to
interview you this afternoon.

- Today?
- Mm.

- On the day of
these layoffs? Pass.

I mean, that would be like

taking a victory lap
at a euthanasia party.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

Not a perfect metaphor.

But the point is,
terrible timing.

- Right, yeah, but
I was also thinking

maybe it's perfect timing.
- Hmm?

- It shows that we're taking
hard actions to cut costs,

which Wall Street will
love, but we're doing it by

letting go of executives
instead of blue-collar workers,

which, I mean, Main
Street will love.

- Yeah.
- Oh, right?

- Interesting. Love
from both streets.

I mean, that's all
the streets there are.

- Yeah.

- Katherine Hastings,
savior of the underlings.

- Maybe we could
workshop the phrasing.

- Savior of the peons?

- Uh, just workers.

- Eh, doesn't really
pop. I'll play with it.

- Right.

- So the first few pages

are just the standard
layoff script,

and the rest is a list of
acceptable legal responses

to anything they may say to you.

- So I'm just supposed
to read this to them?

Seems a little heartless.

- Precisely, yeah.
Just get through it

with an emotionless,
surgical precision.

You know, like a child
of an acrimonious divorce

dissecting a backyard squirrel.

- Please, Jack.
There's an art to this.

People don't want a robot.
They want to be heard.

They want to be seen.
- Just stick to the script.

- Stick to the script,

but breathe some
life into it, hmm?

Connect with your scene partner.

- My scene partner?
- Let's say I'm firing you.

I gotta ask myself, "What
do I think makes Jack tick?"

So while my mouth may be
going through the motions

and saying the words,
my mind is thinking,

"Light beer, bouncing breasts,

he probably ain't
cracked a book in ages."

- Little condescending, but...
- It's art, Jack.

It's supposed to make
you feel uncomfortable.

- Yeah, I mean, you have to
admit we do love breasts.

He's not wrong about that.

- Okay, but what do
I do if he, like,

starts freaking out screaming,
"I'm gonna kill myself,"

or, "I'm gonna kill you and
then I'm gonna kill myself."

What do I do if...
- That is in here,

because we do get that...

Really quite a lot.

- Uh, oh, we could
lower our water bill

if we put those little
push tabs on the sinks.

You know, the one where
you gotta play whack-a-mole

to, like, turn the water on?

- Oh, my God. I
hate those things.

That's perfect.

- Oh, double-sided printing.

We use half the
paper, not to mention

freeing up filing space
and reducing trash.

- Okay, you're amazing at this.

It's like "Good Will
Hunting" but, you know, like,

a reboot with a Black woman,

and I'd probably have to be
gay or British or something.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Joe America
shouldn't pay the tab

for corporate
America's mistakes.

Powerful, right?

- Very much so. I
felt it. Tingly.

- Ew. Well, anyway.

Hey, is what I'm wearing okay?

When I got dressed this morning,

I didn't know I'd be doing TV.

- I think you look perfect,

Especially given
the solemn news,

it's good not to
be too polished.

- What do you mean too polished?

Do I look unpolished?
- No, I just mean real.

You look real.

- So I don't look like my
normal supermodel self?

It's been a
stressful time lately

in case you haven't noticed.

- Honestly? Hey,
you look beautiful.

- Really? 'Cause
ten seconds ago,

you were saying I
looked unpolished,

so you're kinda talking out
both sides of your mouth there.

Oh, yeah. My roots
are really bad. Wow.

Ooh, I could use
some filler, too.

- I'm gonna go.

- Oh, my God.

Hey, Dori. Get
Dr. Kazemi on the phone.

Tell her to bring the full bag!

- Syd, you've been
a valuable employee,

but unfortunately, we have
to let some people go,

and I just...

Yes, uh, come in.

- Hey, are you Jack?
- Syd!

I mean, I'm Jack.
- Yeah.

- You're Syd.
- Yeah.

Well, I certainly hope so.

That's the name that they
wrote in my underwear.

You know,
you look like a Jack.

Yeah, it's a strong name,
but it's not showing off.

I mean, you're just Jack.
- Yeah, thanks.

So the reason I
asked you in today

is that we need to talk about...

- Actually, Jack's
my grandson's name.

- That's, uh, that's cool.
- You remind me of him.

He's a good kid.
That's two good kids.

So what can I do for you, Jack?

- Syd.
- Yeah.

- You've been a valuable...
- Oh!

What size mitt do you wear?

- My mitt size?

- I've got an extra glove.
I think it might fit you.

- Adult?
- Yeah, that'll work.

- Yeah.

- "Please know that
Payne greatly values

"your years of service
and is therefore committed

to helping you find your
next employment opportunity."

- Oh, my God. Oh, God. I...

"Payne...

Payne will be offering a
generous severance package"...

- "Payne greatly
values your years..."

I'm sorry, Deb.

"Your years of service and is
committed to helping you..."

- Shh, it's okay.
You're doing great.

- "Unfortunately, we have to
let some people go, and..."

- Oh, I'm sorry.
Who's that gonna be?

- Uh, just, uh, let
me keep reading.

"We have to let
some people go"...

- On second thought,
I don't wanna know.

These people are like family.

- There's a second
half of that sentence

I really need to get to, Syd.

"Please..."

- "Please take all personal
belongings with you..."

- "By the end of the day,

as your card access
will be turned off."

- "Please take all
your personal..."

No!

I can't. I can't.

- Here. I'll help.
Let me do it.

- Uh, "Take all personal
belongings with you

as your card access
will be turned off."

That sounds reasonable.
That's fine.

Turn the page.

- Wait! I'm fired?

You're firing me?

- Uh, "If you signed a
separation agreement,

I can give you a
severance of X dollars."

I think I'm supposed
to fill out the X...

- I could do better, Jack.
Jack, give me another chance.

- "Syd, I'm sorry,
but the decision

to end your
employment is final."

- Oh! How is this happening?

And what sort of God

would allow something
like this to happen?

- "If they invoke God,

maintain a neutral disposition,
and do not engage."

- I don't think you're
supposed to read that.

- "Once again, thank you
for your time and service."

Howard? Are you all right?

- I'm fine.

- "Excellent.

I'm so happy we've come to
a satisfactory conclusion."

Howard, are you
sure you're fine?

- I'm fine.

- "Excellent.

I'm so happy we've come to
a satisfactory conclusion."

Shall I... I tell you what,

why don't I give
you a helping hand,

set you on the way?

You know, a journey
of a thousand miles

starts with a single
step, doesn't it?

So I'm just gonna pop
you there, and, um...

check you on the flipside.

- What did I do wrong?

Did someone complain
about my performance?

- "Syd, we won't be
discussing any specifics

about your performance."
- Okay.

But to my face they
say, "Great job, Syd.

You're part of the
team, Syd." So now what?

All of a sudden, behind my
back, they want me gone?

- "Syd, this meeting isn't
about other employees."

- Stop reading from this binder.

I'm a real person.
Would you talk to me?

Truth is, we have to cut
costs to pay for the recall.

That's all this is.
- But why me?

Did I do my job wrong?

Is that what this is in my file?

- Of course not.
Of course not.

The file says you are great.

They just want, like, new blood.

- New blood?
- Yeah, yeah.

Syd, it's nothing personal.

- Oh, okay. So this
is an age thing.

- What?

- No, you need to bring
in the young guns.

- I didn't mean to suggest
anything like that.

- I may be old, but I know the
word "ageism" when I hear it.

- Syd, let's just take a beat.
- Let's just work...

- You don't remind
me of my grandson,

you remind me of
my other grandson,

the pot smoker.

- So how rough have
the layoffs been?

- Um, you know, we're
getting through it.

It's just obviously
uncomfortable.

- Mm-hmm.

- Should I come back later?
- No. Why?

- Just a bit squeamish
about needles in faces.

- Oh, well, you're gonna
have to get used to that.

I mean, you're a female
executive, right?

Gotta stay ahead of
the saggy-faced curve.

- Mm.

- Actually, you could use a
little touch-up right now.

You want the rest
of this needle?

- You can't share needles.
- What?

It's fine. I'm her boss.
- I think I'm good.

But thanks.
- Easier if you start now.

Actually, maybe five years ago.
- Mm-hmm.

You're the head of a
Fortune 500 company.

Haven't you, like,

earned the right to not
have to worry about vanity?

It's not
vanity; it's business.

I mean,

people want their female
CEOs to be young and vibrant.

Do you think anyone
wants to know that

when I kicked through
the glass ceiling,

I peed my granny
briefs a little?

- Mm, no. Is that a thing?

- Oh, yeah. When you
hit perimenopause,

you'll be playing tennis
in a maxi pad, too.

- Well, I don't play tennis.
- You should.

Your upper arms are
starting to drift a little.

It's really good for that.

- And stop moving your lips.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, this
is what you have to do

to be taken seriously.

- Mm.

- Hey, everyone!
We got great news.

Dori is passing out some
super-cozy blankets.

Those are gratis.

Plus, I also think she
has some bonus great news.

- I sure do, Wesley.

The heat will be turned
off between 10:00 and 4:00,

effective immediately.

- And that's prudent.
It's super-prudent.

- Um, I can't work in the cold.
I have a medical condition.

- You have a what?
- An iron deficiency.

- So let me guess.
- You half woman, half lizard?

- No, no, it's cool. It's cool.

We want everyone
to be comfortable,

so look, hey, look. It's fine.

Phoebe doesn't want
to use a blanket.

- Okay.
- Great.

- Unfortunately, that does mean

that Max is gonna lose his job

and his kids are
gonna starve to death.

- Yeah, Max's children gon' die.

- Okay, I'll take a blanket.

- There you go, Pheebs!

- Okay, Max. Your kids
live to see another day.

- I'm take this. You don't
need to be taping nothing.

Your papers just be everywhere.

- Hey. How'd everything go?

- Oh, fantastic. Yeah.

I mean, I do have

a catatonic man in a rolling
chair outside my office,

but other than that,
everything's brilliant.

- Okay. How did Syd take it?

- Not well. Kept asking why
he was the one being let go.

- He's the worst performer
in his department.

- Yeah, but I didn't want
to tell him that, though.

He thinks it's because
he getting old.

He can't sue me for,
like, ageism, can he?

- Uh, no. Of course not.

I mean theoretically, he
could sue the company,

but he'd need to prove a
pattern of age discrimination.

He's just one guy, so...

- I think Deborah's
in her 60s, actually.

- All right, well, you
know, two people, then.

Although Howard is
getting up there a bit.

- Well, that's
just three people.

I'm sure other
departments didn't...

- Letting you go too?

Ugh.

- Looks like the end
of "Cocoon," right?

- Mm.

- Gerald Balmer,

Arthur Stevens, Mort Callaway?

Jesus, this thing reads like

the team roster at a
canasta tournament.

- Well, yeah, I mean, if
you read them out in a list,

then yeah, it
doesn't sound great.

- Well, how should I read it?

- Well, I guess my legal
advice would be we don't.

- Can't we just wait this out?

- Like until the old people die?

- No, no, no. That's
not what I meant.

- Guys, we can't sit
back on this one.

I have dealt with

age discrimination
lawsuits at York.

They are ugly, and
they are expensive.

- Yeah, it's not like
the people they protect.

They move pretty
fast.

It's not the time
for humor, is it?

- Yeah, but this wasn't
on purpose, though.

It was a mistake.

- Oh, that's a good point, Jack.

Yeah, great.

Hey guys, let's double down
on the oopsies defense.

- I actually got excited
when you said "good point."

- This is all ridiculous.

Syd is a marketing VP who
never learned social media.

I mean, you would not

go to a doctor who's 20
years behind the times.

- Right. Can it really
be discrimination

if it affects your job?

Are we gonna let an
80-year-old, um...

- I don't know.
Can't help you.

- Uh, run a band saw?
- Mm.

- That'd be insane.

There should be
lawsuits about that.

- Yeah, I don't see

a lot of heavy machinery
around the office.

- What about a hand model
who loses both of his hands?

- Again, how does
that apply to us?

- Yeah, also all models are
freelance these days, Jack,

so that doesn't
work on two counts.

- Age had nothing
to do with this.

It just so happens
that bad employees

and old employees share a
lot of the same qualities,

and that sounds really
bad, so circle back to me.

- Look, we didn't fire anyone
because of their age, right?

We fired them
because they're bad.

- Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

- You know, and some of them
are bad because of their age.

- Guys, I don't want excuses.

I want to squash this thing
before it gets out of hand,

so someone talk Syd down
off the ledge, okay?

Straighten him out,
sweet talk him,

give him a stick and let him

push a big hula hoop
out the front door.

I don't care. Just end it.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, hey. What are you doing?

Did you just throw
out that tea bag?

How many times have you used it?

- Uh, one.
- One?

That's up.

Hey, hey! Everybody,
listen up!

Tea bags cost money!

You should be getting
three to six uses

per bag minimum.

- Yeah, after a few uses,

I put some of the leaves
right under my tongue.

- Ooh!
- Nature's tea bag!

Right here!

- This is an
industrious man, okay?

Unlike you freaks.

- And just remember,
wastefulness is weak tea.

Mm!

- That's been in the trash.

- Did you just
come up with that?

- It popped in my
head fully formed.

- Oh, my God. The hairs on
my neck just, like, stood up.

- You serious?
- I was like, "Damn, Wesley!"

- Syd, I'm so sorry
to let you go.

I just wanted to let you know

it has nothing to
do with your age.

- Oh, really?

- Each department had
to lose one employee,

and you had the worst numbers.

- Well, that's not
what Jack said.

He said my file looks great

and that you wanted me fired
because you wanted "new blood."

- Mm. You said that?

- You could have
mentioned that before.

- I was trying not
to hurt his feelings.

- Look, Syd. I think what's
happened here is that Jack,

he's a nice guy, you know?

Not one of those
self-proclaimed nice guys

that "harass women" online.

No, I mean, he's a
genuine nice guy.

You know, he can probably
get any woman he wants

without resorting
to bullying tactics.

Right, Jack?
- Is that a question?

- Syd, the truth is,

you're the worst performer
in your department.

You want to read your
performance reviews?

- I don't have my readers.
- Fine. I'll read them.

"Work is sloppy and
filled with errors.

"Shows no initiative.

"Brags about using
sick days to play golf.

Can't remember the names of
any of the women on the floor."

- They all have the same hair.

- Mm-mm.

- And besides, if I was so bad,

why didn't you fire me yourself?

- 'Cause I don't want to be
mean to and old... to a person.

- I don't buy it.

You could've written
all that down just now.

And my attorney said

I shouldn't be speaking
with you anyway.

- Attorney? So you've
hired an attorney?

- Oh, yeah. Real shark.

Representing all of us.

Class
action lawsuit.

Elliot, I'll see you in court.

Jack, go suck an egg.

Brenda, I never
respected you anyway.

- Oh.

- That's you.
- That's me.

- Hey, isn't this good?
How's this for non-polished?

- Yeah, it's nice. Um...

- Man, you really
have to stop frowning.

These lines are gonna set.

- We have a little problem.

Syd and the other old
people have lawyered up.

- What? Oh, my God.

I've got enough to think
about with this interview.

Wait, they're not gonna
ask about this, are they?

- They might.

- No, no, no. This
is not happening.

The whole point of this
thing was to show that

we're on the side
of the underdogs.

What am I gonna say when

they ask me why I decided
to go fire grandpa?

- Well, I was thinking you
could maybe remind them that

you know, you're a
woman of a certain age.

- What?

I just spent the entire day
making myself look younger,

and now you want
my defense to be

that I eat prunes every morning?

Besides which, honestly,
I look like I'm 35 anyway.

- Y-you don't.
- 37. Fine, whatever.

- Okay.
- Ah, damn it.

We're gonna have to
rethink this whole thing.

- I think it's more
of an attitude thing.

- Hey, Dori! Get the rest
of the style team back!

Sadie needs me to eat
turds on live television.

- Here to talk about
Payne's plan to bounce back

from the recall, CEO
Katherine Hastings.

Katherine, thank
you for being here.

- Well, it's great
to be here, Colin.

- She is really leaning into
the "I am old" thing hard.

- Looks like she smashed all
the "Golden Girls" characters

into one person.

- You don't have a case, Martin.

- Every one of the people
you fired is over 40.

You think a jury will
think that's a coincidence?

- We are downsizing
senior staff.

Is it any surprise
that some of the people

we're letting go
happen to be seniors?

- It's textbook ageism.

I'd get ready to open the
coffers if I were you.

- No, the coffers will remain
firmly shut, thank you,

because you need to prove a
pattern of discrimination,

and one unlucky day
doth not a pattern make.

- So if I look at everybody
you fired in the past,

I wouldn't find a
disproportionate number

of them that were over 40?

off, Martin.

Oh, move, Howard.

You need to get
on with your life!

- No, we can't do the layoffs.

We can't do the layoffs.
- What?

- If you don't rehire all
these wrinkled, old fart bags,

we're gonna get buried
in a slew of lawsuits

that are gonna cost us way
more than we ever would've made

by laying them off
in the first place.

Well, where are
we gonna find the savings?

- We could fire all the
young people instead.

- Damn, you're just dying
to axe people today,

aren't you, Jack?

- He's got a taste
for blood now.

- No, no, that's not
what I'm trying...

- Wait, fire young people?

That's just reverse
discrimination.

- And then we'll be stuck

with just the old people,
and let's be honest,

they absolutely suck.

- Not you. We value you.
- Yeah.

- Has she started talking
about the layoffs yet?

- Have you decided

where you'll find the
money to pay for all this?

- Well, at first, we
discussed closing a factory,

but I said, "Absolutely not."

- Ah, damn it.

- Our factories are the
heart of our company.

Isn't it time for those of
us in the executive ranks

to take the hit?

- So you'll be letting
go of some executives?

- Uh, you know,
that is the question

that we asked ourselves, Colin.

Uh, and the answer, Colin,
it may surprise you.

The answer is...

no.

No, we are not gonna let
go of our executives.

- So where are you going to
be finding the savings, then?

- Such a good question, Colin.

You know,

and that's the same question
that we asked ourselves.

What are we gonna do?

We knew that we needed
an a answer right away

uh, otherwise, there would
be enormous consequences.

Close factory

is unfortunately what we
realized we had to do, so...

- But you just said Joe America

shouldn't pay for corporate
America's mistakes

and that the factory was...
And I'm quoting here...

"the heart of the company."

- Yes, but we have
many factories,

so in a way, we have
multiple hearts.

Like a cow.

- You're referring to how
a cow has four stomachs?

- No.
- Let me be clear.

We have 20 cows, each
with a heart in them

but still, we are
going to have to, uh,

turn one of our cows into chuck.

- Well, sure to be
an unpopular move,

but you have to respect a woman
willing to stand behind it.

- Oh, well, thank
you so much, Colin.

Oh, and I just want to say I
know I look a little haggard.

I was out very, very
late last night.

Some of my friends took me
out for my 44th birthday.

- Plus what we'll save on heat

minus the blankets
we had to buy,

plus what we saved
on office supplies...

- They didn't think this ragtag
team of misfits could do it.

Well, how do you
like them apples?

We saved a total of $14.
- Huh.

Not what I was expecting,

but you gotta spend money
to save money, right?

- Mm-hmm. That sounds right.

- Hey, we should
keep this going.

Uh, the savings committee.

We meet once a week,
we order in sushi,

and we brainstorm
ways we can cut costs.

- Mm, sushi sounds
good right about now.

- I know. You wanna
go get something?

I mean unless you're
busy. No pressure.

- Mm-mm. That sounds fun.
- Awesome!

- Have you heard of
this place on Woodward?

I heard it's really good,
but it's, like, pricey.

- Ah, we'll expense it.

We just need to make sure
we talk about business for,

like, five seconds.

- Okay, so like business,
business, business,

business, shrimp tempura.
- Yep.

- Yeah.
- That's it.