American Auto (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Charity Dinner - full transcript
It's the evening of the sixty-fifth annual Payne Foundation Gala, a black tie, red carpet event. Accompanied by her fourth grade teacher husband Richard, Katherine makes it their mission to schmooze with the Board members, that is if she can even remember who they are, as she believes her job is on the line. As she further believes her heir apparent is also in the room, Katherine shows her priority between her job and her marriage. As his date, Jack has brought Michelle, the actress he met while filming the television commercial, which may lead to some unspoken tension with Sadie, who everyone notices looks much different this evening than she does at work. Elliot wants to volunteer as a mentor for the Michigan Mentors, a big brother-styled program supported by the Foundation, but he wants to do so for all the wrong reasons. And Wesley views himself as *the* celebrity among the staff in being a Payne at a Payne family function, but he will learn the true pecking order in the family itself when he is seated next to his accomplished siblings.
.
- Our top story tonight--
Detroit's elite
is out in force
at the Roydon Hotel
for an evening of glitz,
glamour, and good causes.
- No, that's not the Oscars
you're seeing.
It's guests arriving
to the 65th Annual Payne
Foundation Fundraising Gala.
- For those lucky enough
to make it
onto the star-studded
invitation list,
it'll be a night of elegance,
class, and high fashion
on what has become
one of Motor City's
most glamorous nights.
- Three, two...
[groaning]
- Ooh, I'm pulling.
- You got to pull it harder.
- Oh, you're gonna dislocate
my shoulder!
- Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
- Just use it. Use it.
- That's right. Whoo!
[bleep], I'm sweating.
- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh.
[grunts]
Check that out.
- Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking
for my friend Sadie.
She's about your height and--
Oh, my God!
- Uh-huh.
Is it too much?
- No! Turn around.
Ooh!
- You like it?
- I just can't believe
you dress
the way you normally do
when you're capable of this.
- How do I normally dress?
- Hey, guys, check it out.
Gangster faces!
Ahh!
- Does he think
people enjoy him?
Or does he know they don't
and that's the point?
- I don't know. It's probably
an unhealthy mix of both.
- Well, it's time
to face the music.
- Oh, we can go around.
We don't have to--
- Believe me.
I gain no pleasure from this.
[indistinct chatter,
camera shutters clicking]
- Took the glasses off.
- The name is Cyrus Knight.
C-Y-R...
us.
Thank you. What's up?
Thank you.
- Ari Harman, two years
on the board,
loves scuba diving,
third wife disappeared
under suspicious circumstances
in Thailand.
- Third wife, Barbados.
But you were close.
- Damn it.
- Don't worry--
as long as you know
all the board members' names,
you're gonna be fine.
- No, if they want to replace
me, fine isn't good enough.
I've got to blow them away.
- Well, if it's worth anything,
I think you're doing
a really good job.
- It's worth almost nothing,
but thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Just close your eyes
and imagine a chessboard.
They're all pawns,
but you're the queen.
You can move
any direction you want.
You can move multiple spaces.
You're gonna gobble them up
before they even know
what hit them.
- Okay.
All right, I'm a queen.
- I'm a queen.
- They're pawns.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's helping. It's good.
- Good. I got your back,
Katherine.
This is what we do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, and everybody's
gonna love us.
- Yeah, I mean, we are
pretty amazing party guests.
- We are.
- Everyone says it.
I'm not bragging.
It's what everyone says.
- Okay.
- All right, who's next?
I don't think
that's a board member.
- Ah, you won!
This is a trick question.
This is actually
a young James Earl Jones.
Can you believe
he was that hot?
- Wow.
- Yes.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow. You look--
- Thanks.
You look, uh, too.
[chuckles]
- You remember Michelle?
- I do.
- She was my co-star
in a commercial.
- I was the hot mom
with the sexy husband.
- I remember.
- Yeah.
- Super hot.
- Thank you.
- You were really good in that.
Um, made me want to buy a car.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- We're gonna go to the bar.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I got to do a thing.
- You're a really
beautiful woman.
[laughter]
- We get so little time to talk
at the board meetings.
I had no idea we had this much
in common, Helen.
- I know. It's so funny.
- I'm like,
"Third wheel alert."
Maybe you guys
should get married.
[laughter]
- Okay, I really need to go bid
on that dinner
with Rachael Ray.
- Oh, please, she should be
bidding on dinner with you.
[laughter]
[hushed] Oh, man, I have had
better conversations with Siri.
- Negative charisma--just an
empty sandwich bag of a human.
- [chuckles]
- Who's next?
- Hey-o! Someone get the lube
'cause we got a couple
of Payne Gala virgins.
- Oh, God!
- So, look, I know you guys
know I don't normally think
of myself
as "a celebrity."
But this is
a Payne family event,
and I am
a Payne family member.
So, if we don't get a lot of
face time, it's not personal.
It's just everyone wants
a little slice of Wes.
You feel me?
- I do.
I feel you, Wes, and thank you.
- Uh, yes.
Yeah, we'll--we'll struggle on
as best we can without you.
- You're still my boys, though.
- Hmm.
- Oh, uh, and there's
hotel rooms upstairs
in case you meet a lady...
or a guy, Cyrus.
Hell, maybe, Elliot,
you meet a guy,
and, Cyrus, you me a lady.
It's just one of those nights
where anything can happen.
Magic!
- Hey!
You look incredible!
Wow! I mean, based on the way
you normally dress,
I just assumed you were
religious or something.
- Um...
- Oh, this is Richard. Sadie.
- Hi. How do you do?
- Sadie, my husband, Richard.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is much nicer
than she usually dresses.
- I'm not sure why we're still
talking about my--
Doesn't matter.
How's it going with the board?
- Oh, she just dazzled
Westfall and Genzlinger.
- Well, the one I really need
to impress is McGarry.
You know, if you have
the support of the chairman,
the rest of these idiots
don't matter.
- Right.
- [chuckles]
Has anybody seen him,
by the way?
- No, but Novie and
Cantley-Kashima are over there.
- Oh, great. We'll knock 'em
both out at once.
Who are they talking to?
- Oh, that's that astronaut.
Yeah, I think he runs
an aerospace firm.
- Oh, It's Charlie Altman.
Halo Aeronautics.
- Oh.
- He just left Halo, actually.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Where do you go from there?
- Hmm.
- It's an open bar,
so anything you want
to drink, free.
- I know how open bar
works, Wesley.
- Wesley, do you know
why Charlie Altman is here?
Seems like he's getting
real cozy with the board.
- Oh, you know what?
I know he went to dinner
with some of them
a few nights ago.
London Chop House.
- London Chop House?
That's where they took me when
they offered me the CEO job.
- Oh.
Ruh-roh!
- Could I have a lot of shots
of something?
.
- Mark.
- Katherine.
- So nice to see you.
- Nice to see you as well.
Hey, do you know Charlie?
- Charlie Altman.
Houston, we have an astronaut.
- Katherine Hastings.
It's a pleasure.
- Charlie was telling me
some amazing stories
from his
old space shuttle years.
- Wow. What an accomplishment
that must have been.
I mean, piloting--
well, actually,
do you fly, or are they more
computerized nowadays?
- Computers do most
of the work.
- So you're sort of along
for the ride,
kind of a passenger on a bus.
- I'm sure it's just a bit
more complicated than that.
- Yes, of course.
Otherwise, we would just have
sent monkeys up there.
Although I guess at first,
we did.
We did some monkeys up there.
That worked out all right.
- And how are you finding
the new job?
Big Pharma to Big Auto--
those are some
pretty different skill sets.
- Yeah, you know,
but selling is selling.
And when you have
a great product,
it kind of sells itself, so--
- I'm glad to hear it.
Just don't go getting a bunch
of old grannies
addicted to cars.
- [laughs]
- Didn't work out so well
for you last time, did it?
- No. And I heard
you just left Halo.
Hope it wasn't
a MeToo situation.
- [laughs] No, no, no.
- I'm sure we would have heard
something about that.
- Yeah, of course,
we would have.
Although, with NDAs these days,
you know,
you don't always hear.
[laughs]
- You made that point
last week.
I mean, you're talking
torque versus power.
- Exactly.
- EVs, isn't it?
You can't quite get both.
- Unless you're
the Roadster 250.
Zero to 60 in
under 2 seconds.
- See, that's not even fair.
The McLaren takes
three seconds--the McLaren.
- I know, it's crazy.
- It's ridiculous.
- Is it true red cars
go faster?
- [all chuckle]
- Oh.
- My brother told me
that as a kid.
I'm just hearing
how dumb it sounds.
- It's not.
No, that's not dumb.
Could be true.
- It is possible.
- Yeah, we should look into it.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- From bringing clean water
to the Congo
to rebuilding homes...
- Unbelievable.
This guy is auditioning
for my job in front of me.
He's got balls.
I'll give him that.
- You have balls.
You have big balls.
I mean, they're lady balls,
but they're big.
- ...Michigan Mentors,
pairing at-risk Detroit youth
with consistent role models.
- Thanks
to the Payne Foundation
and the Michigan Mentors,
there's nothing I can't do.
It went it! Oh, my God!
It went in!
- He is adorable.
You know what?
Maybe I should become a mentor.
- Leave those children alone.
They have enough problems
as it is.
- And now your master
of ceremonies, Tom Bergeron!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I love
how they edited that video
to make it seem like it
went right in the basket.
[laughter]
Yes, I am Tom Bergeron.
Welcome to the Payne
Foundation's 65th Annual Gala.
The Paynes really are
an amazing family.
Take Amelia Payne, for example.
Just made "Forbes'"
30 Under 30 list.
I'm sorry, Amelia,
the work is good,
but I'm gonna need to see
a birth certificate.
[laughter]
Then there's Marshall Payne,
award-winning novelist.
Marshall writes books about--
- Uh-oh, roasting time.
I can take it.
This must be what
a marshmallow feels like.
This must be
what a marshmallow feels like.
- I heard you.
- I heard you.
- They get roasted.
- I got it.
- Stop it.
- Then Landon Payne--
pro-golfer, successful
at hitting both the ball
and the bowl,
if you know what I mean,
- You do smoke weed, though.
You do.
- Shh, quiet.
- And Hunter Payne.
You know, Hunter won his last
election by six points,
and he would have won by more,
but his check bounced.
[laughter]
- Wish I made
the same joke, man.
- It's not really that good.
- What?
- Nothing.
[upbeat music]
♪
[camera beeping,
shutter clicking]
- Whew.
Shall we hit the bar?
- No! No!
Let's do a couple more.
- Okay. Couple more.
- Guess who I am.
- Flavor Flav!
- Flavor Flav!
Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- [exhales deeply]
- Oh.
Hi. Sorry.
Excuse me.
Aren't you--aren't you the chap
from the video?
- Uh-huh.
- The foundation invited
Andre and me to the dinner.
I'm Sierra.
I run the mentorship program.
- Elliot. Hi. It's
a wonderful-looking program.
I have to say, young Andre here
really tore up
the silver screen over there--
a true showman.
- I like your accent.
He sounds just like James Bond.
- Oh, gosh.
Wow. That's--that's honestly
one of the nicest things
anyone's ever said to me,
Andre,
you silver-tongued charmer.
I was a real 007 fan
when I was a boy, you know?
"Shaken, not stirred."
It's Sprite, but, uh,
you know...
- It's pretty funny, right?
- Say something else.
- Uh, okay.
What would he say?
He'd say,
"Moneypenny, get in here
and bring Q with you,"
or something.
It's not a direct quote.
It's pretty good, isn't it?
Uh, you know,
I actually have got
a lot of spare weekends now,
you know, since the divorce,
Um, and I was thinking
I could possibly volunteer
to be Andre's big brother.
- Michigan Mentor.
- Right. Yeah, whatever.
- Well, Andre actually already
has a mentor,
but there are a lot of
other boys who could use one.
- Right. Yeah, well--
oh, no, well, I'm sure.
I can--I can--
I can well imagine.
Um, so how does it work?
Is there sort of a menu
that I can sort of pick from?
- Oh, no. I'll just take down
your information,
and we'll assign you someone.
- Oh, oh, a-a surprise.
- [chuckles]
- Oh. [laughs]
I love surprises.
- I know, but it's weird
he couldn't think of anything
bad to say about me.
It's like, I'm not perfect,
Tom Bergeron.
- Or maybe he didn't think
you was important enough
to mention--
you ever thought of that?
- Ha ha, burn.
- One Pinot and one club soda
with lime, please.
- Not a big drinker, huh?
- Oh, I'm such a lightweight.
I got to stay sharp.
It's an all-hands-on
kind of night.
- Can I just say--
i-it's really cool
how supportive you
are of Katherine.
Not a lot of guys
would do that.
- She is the CEO
of a "Fortune" 500 company.
- Mm.
- I teach math
to fourth graders.
So, if I have to hold her purse
sometimes to let her shine,
I'm happy to do it.
- My ex dumped me 'cause
I wouldn't let him promote
his essential-oils pyramid
scheme on my work listserv.
- Oh, you know,
it's a two-way street.
I hold her purse
at fancy galas,
and she comes
to my PTA mixers...
I mean, if she's not off
doing business
in Mumbai or someplace.
- Oh, well, I doubt she'll have
to go to Mumbai anytime soon.
[chuckles]
- What about that new factory,
the one in Mumbai...
that she keeps going to?
- Oh, Mumbai, India.
Uh, yeah, I-I think we got--
I mean, I'm not really
on the manufacturing side,
but Asia--
[chuckles awkwardly]
I-I...
.
- Richard, wait, wait--
- What have you been doing
when you say you're in India?
- W-where?
- India, that country in Asia
you claim
you've been traveling to?
- Richard was just asking
about the new plant,
and I couldn't remember
if you've been going to Mumbai
technically or just
the Greater Mumbai area.
- Are you cheating on me?
- Richard, please!
Can we talk
about this in private?
- Yeah, fine.
- Thank you so much.
[chuckles awkwardly]
- Is it someone at work?
Is it that British lawyer guy?
- Ew! No!
- I mean, obviously, not him
specifically, but it could be--
- Richard, I am not
cheating on you.
Sometimes I just check into
a hotel for a couple of nights.
- What?
- Alone. Alone.
I order room service.
I watch movies.
- We have every streaming
service on the planet
at our house.
- There's something special
about channel surfing
in a hotel.
You get in in the middle
of the movie,
Who are these people?
How did they get here?
I don't know. I'm just here
to have a good time.
- Wait, so all the times
that you said you couldn't make
one of my events,
it's because you wanted
to watch pay-per-view?
- My job is meeting
after meeting and speeches
and interviews and dinners,
and sometimes
I just need a little me time.
- "Me time"?
I have never missed
one of your events
because I needed me time.
I mean, that's--
How selfish can one person be?
Here, take your damn purse.
- Richard, please don't leave.
- Why?
'Cause you want me
to help you work the board?
- No!
It's a lot of reasons.
Please.
- Oh, God.
Come on.
- Why so sad, Treebeard?
Saruman cut down
your forest again?
- Andre was taken.
Not like Liam Neeson starrer
"Taken."
I mean, he's already
got a mentor.
So, instead,
they've given me...
- Hector, what's your favorite
class in school?
- I don't know.
PE, I guess.
- I mean--
- He seems fine.
- "Fine"?
Yeah, well, that's actually
the perfect word for it.
It's fine, he's fine.
Andre was [bleep]damn adorable.
- You're a terrible person.
- I mean, look at this.
"Hobbies, baseball."
Oh, wow, Hector.
That's original.
God!
♪
- Tough night?
- I may have just destroyed
Katherine's marriage
on one of the most
important nights of her career.
Other than that, I'm great.
How about you?
Where's your date?
- Yeah, boy!
[camera shutter clicks]
- Ooh, doing a Flavor Flav
thing over there, huh?
- She is really into him.
Don't even think she noticed
I'm not there.
- You really found
your princess, didn't you?
[both chuckle]
- He had to carry
a special little ass pillow--
- Uh-oh. Family talking to
coworkers, worlds colliding--
my worst nightmare.
- We're hearing
young Wesley stories.
- Ah, yes.
I was a bit of a wild child.
- Yeah, a bully
put a rock up your butt.
- No, no,
it was--it was a pebble, so--
- It was about that big.
- It was--didn't go
all the way in.
- I remember our grandmother,
she shows up there,
and she looks at him
and she goes,
"You're a disgrace.
You're never gonna have
a real job."
- She said that to him.
- She had lost her mind
at that--at that--
- She was old,
but she was kind of funny.
- And I proved her wrong, so...
- Well, not really.
I mean, what are you,
an intern?
- No. Our interns
are actually useful.
- Oh, zing! You got me.
- Owned. Owned.
- That's a good one.
No, seriously, though...
- No, seriously,
I'm just asking.
I'm not busting balls.
What do you do here?
- Okay, guys, come on.
You know what I do.
- Seriously, what do you do?
- Well, he stinks up
the bathroom a lot.
- Ah, zing again!
- Oh, always, always.
- It's Burn City around here.
- We called him
the Climate Changer
'cause it was always
10 degrees warmer
after he was done
taking a dump.
- That was--that was one time
that it happened.
- Oh, yeah.
He sets off fire alarms.
- Remember, I specifically
said that wasn't me.
- All right. All right.
His 12th birthday...
- Mm-hmm.
- Panic attack.
Had to call the fire
department, locks himself--
- Hey, Landon,
maybe instead of weed,
Bergeron should have
mentioned the heroin.
Why don't you go back to rehab,
you [bleep] junkie?
You broke mom's heart.
Zing.
- Oh.
- The men's room
on the other side.
- Oh, yes. No, I know.
I was waiting for you
to come out of the ladies' one.
I got your email
about Hector.
Um, he seems like
a fantastic little chap.
Yes, anyone would be lucky
to be his big brother.
- Michigan Mentor.
- Exactly.
Yeah, but the thing is, I have
a bit more of a connection,
I feel like, with Andre.
- Right.
But Andre already
has a mentor.
- Yes. No, sure,
but I was thinking perhaps
we should let Andre choose
who his mentor was,
you know, because if this
other chap
has got a better connection
with Hector,
you know, and we could swap.
- Uh, yeah, we don't do swaps.
It's better for the children
that they bond
with just one mentor.
- Right, but, you know, what if
Andre's mentor turns out to be
a molester, you know--
have you thought about that?
Because I don't think that's
gonna be much better for him.
Do you know what I mean?
- So you're proposing that we
put the molester with Hector?
- Well, Hector--
Hector is older, isn't he?
So he's--he's stronger.
He's got a better shot
of fighting the guy off.
Do you know what I mean? So--
- Talked to Harman,
talked to Novie,
talked to Gates.
McGarry's a no-show.
You'd think the chairman
of the board
would show up to this thing?
- Maybe he needs
a little "me time."
- Richard, can we not do this?
My job is on the line.
This is important.
- This is important?
What about me?
- Okay.
- Aren't I important?
- You are.
- Oh! Richard!
- Ow. Oh, my God.
- No, I don't do blood.
Mm-mm.
- All right. Oh, God. Oh, God.
This is gonna need stitches.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Oh, no.
- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Let's get you
to the emergency room.
- Really? You sure?
- Yes. Oh, God.
There will be other nights.
I probably need to be
surgically removed
from these Spanx.
- Okay.
- Keep pressure on it.
- I will. I will.
- Oh, my God, it's McGarry.
- Now he shows up?
- Aren't we leaving?
Sweetheart?
Darling, I'm--
- Hospital. Yes. Mm-hmm.
- Darling?
- Mm-hmm.
- Darling?
- Mm-hmm. Right.
- Darling?
- Yes, yes. Yes.
.
- Well, where are we going?
- The exit.
- The exit's that way.
- Oh, yeah.
No, that one is closer,
but--Soren?
Hi! Soren.
Richard, this is Soren McGarry,
the chairman of the board.
- Hi.
- Soren, this is Richard.
- Richard, pleased to meet you.
Oh!
- Oh, I cut myself.
- Oh, oh. Are you--
- It's nothing.
- It's actually really deep.
- He exaggerates.
Oh, what are you two
over here conspiring about?
- We were just talking
about the future
of the auto industry.
- Charlie here has some
pretty interesting ideas.
- Oh, really?
Yeah, I do, too.
I have--I have lots of them--
I was actually hoping
to share some of them
with you here tonight.
- Katherine, I really think--
I'm sorry, I should go.
- Yeah. Why don't you
just wait right over there?
It'll be ten seconds,
I promise.
- Right.
- Okay, okay.
- Sure.
- All right.
I'll be out in a minute.
I have been thinking
that an electric-model Pika,
I mean, even if it's not
profitable,
well, um, uh...
well, um, would help cultivate
our, uh
our--our--our image,
um, you know,
as a progressive--
[upbeat music]
- I had to cut a massive check
to get myself
out of the whole
Hector situation.
I think that was their plan
from the start.
Lure the suckers
in with the eye candy
and then lump them with a dud
and make them pay up.
- When describing a young boy,
maybe try not using
the phrase "eye candy."
- Okay.
- Hey, Wes.
Want to come
with us to get some drinks?
- Oh, uh, I'm sure my family
wants me to do something
with them.
They'll be fine.
Yeah. Thanks.
- You know your family sucks,
by the way.
- Hey, what's--what's going on?
- I'm waiting for a room.
Richard says we should take
a couple of nights apart.
At least I think
that's what he said.
His texting hand has six
stitches,
so it's mostly gibberish.
- I'm--I'm so sorry.
I didn't know
about the India thing.
- Do you think
I'm a selfish person?
- Selfish? No. Um...
- I know that I am.
- Hmm.
- My first husband
used to say,
"How can you be married to me
when you're already
married to yourself?"
- That's why he's your ex.
Well, name me the successful
CEO who isn't a little selfish.
You know, the winner
of the rat race isn't the rat
who's, you know,
spending her time
thinking about all
the other rats' feelings?
- They should put that
on a poster.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- It felt good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Tom Bergeron is having
a party in his suite.
Want to get weird?
- Nah, I'm--I'm pretty tired.
I think I'm just gonna pass.
You should go, though.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, have fun.
I'll call you.
- All right.
See ya.
[upbeat music playing]
- Hey, you coming?
- Definitely.
- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- I'm never gonna die!
- This is Michigan Mentor's
website, okay?
It's all Andre.
No sign of Hector, of course.
You know why?
- I--
- 'Cause he's an absolute dud.
- Hey, I meant to tell you
earlier,
you--you look good tonight.
- Do I normally look
like a garbage person?
- No, no. You always look good,
but tonight
you look more good.
- Thank you.
- Whoo! Who is thirsty?
- Me!
- Hey, you guys
should try this.
I've never done this before.
How do you like me now,
Bergeron?
- Our top story tonight--
Detroit's elite
is out in force
at the Roydon Hotel
for an evening of glitz,
glamour, and good causes.
- No, that's not the Oscars
you're seeing.
It's guests arriving
to the 65th Annual Payne
Foundation Fundraising Gala.
- For those lucky enough
to make it
onto the star-studded
invitation list,
it'll be a night of elegance,
class, and high fashion
on what has become
one of Motor City's
most glamorous nights.
- Three, two...
[groaning]
- Ooh, I'm pulling.
- You got to pull it harder.
- Oh, you're gonna dislocate
my shoulder!
- Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
- Just use it. Use it.
- That's right. Whoo!
[bleep], I'm sweating.
- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh.
[grunts]
Check that out.
- Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking
for my friend Sadie.
She's about your height and--
Oh, my God!
- Uh-huh.
Is it too much?
- No! Turn around.
Ooh!
- You like it?
- I just can't believe
you dress
the way you normally do
when you're capable of this.
- How do I normally dress?
- Hey, guys, check it out.
Gangster faces!
Ahh!
- Does he think
people enjoy him?
Or does he know they don't
and that's the point?
- I don't know. It's probably
an unhealthy mix of both.
- Well, it's time
to face the music.
- Oh, we can go around.
We don't have to--
- Believe me.
I gain no pleasure from this.
[indistinct chatter,
camera shutters clicking]
- Took the glasses off.
- The name is Cyrus Knight.
C-Y-R...
us.
Thank you. What's up?
Thank you.
- Ari Harman, two years
on the board,
loves scuba diving,
third wife disappeared
under suspicious circumstances
in Thailand.
- Third wife, Barbados.
But you were close.
- Damn it.
- Don't worry--
as long as you know
all the board members' names,
you're gonna be fine.
- No, if they want to replace
me, fine isn't good enough.
I've got to blow them away.
- Well, if it's worth anything,
I think you're doing
a really good job.
- It's worth almost nothing,
but thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Just close your eyes
and imagine a chessboard.
They're all pawns,
but you're the queen.
You can move
any direction you want.
You can move multiple spaces.
You're gonna gobble them up
before they even know
what hit them.
- Okay.
All right, I'm a queen.
- I'm a queen.
- They're pawns.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's helping. It's good.
- Good. I got your back,
Katherine.
This is what we do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, and everybody's
gonna love us.
- Yeah, I mean, we are
pretty amazing party guests.
- We are.
- Everyone says it.
I'm not bragging.
It's what everyone says.
- Okay.
- All right, who's next?
I don't think
that's a board member.
- Ah, you won!
This is a trick question.
This is actually
a young James Earl Jones.
Can you believe
he was that hot?
- Wow.
- Yes.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow. You look--
- Thanks.
You look, uh, too.
[chuckles]
- You remember Michelle?
- I do.
- She was my co-star
in a commercial.
- I was the hot mom
with the sexy husband.
- I remember.
- Yeah.
- Super hot.
- Thank you.
- You were really good in that.
Um, made me want to buy a car.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- We're gonna go to the bar.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I got to do a thing.
- You're a really
beautiful woman.
[laughter]
- We get so little time to talk
at the board meetings.
I had no idea we had this much
in common, Helen.
- I know. It's so funny.
- I'm like,
"Third wheel alert."
Maybe you guys
should get married.
[laughter]
- Okay, I really need to go bid
on that dinner
with Rachael Ray.
- Oh, please, she should be
bidding on dinner with you.
[laughter]
[hushed] Oh, man, I have had
better conversations with Siri.
- Negative charisma--just an
empty sandwich bag of a human.
- [chuckles]
- Who's next?
- Hey-o! Someone get the lube
'cause we got a couple
of Payne Gala virgins.
- Oh, God!
- So, look, I know you guys
know I don't normally think
of myself
as "a celebrity."
But this is
a Payne family event,
and I am
a Payne family member.
So, if we don't get a lot of
face time, it's not personal.
It's just everyone wants
a little slice of Wes.
You feel me?
- I do.
I feel you, Wes, and thank you.
- Uh, yes.
Yeah, we'll--we'll struggle on
as best we can without you.
- You're still my boys, though.
- Hmm.
- Oh, uh, and there's
hotel rooms upstairs
in case you meet a lady...
or a guy, Cyrus.
Hell, maybe, Elliot,
you meet a guy,
and, Cyrus, you me a lady.
It's just one of those nights
where anything can happen.
Magic!
- Hey!
You look incredible!
Wow! I mean, based on the way
you normally dress,
I just assumed you were
religious or something.
- Um...
- Oh, this is Richard. Sadie.
- Hi. How do you do?
- Sadie, my husband, Richard.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is much nicer
than she usually dresses.
- I'm not sure why we're still
talking about my--
Doesn't matter.
How's it going with the board?
- Oh, she just dazzled
Westfall and Genzlinger.
- Well, the one I really need
to impress is McGarry.
You know, if you have
the support of the chairman,
the rest of these idiots
don't matter.
- Right.
- [chuckles]
Has anybody seen him,
by the way?
- No, but Novie and
Cantley-Kashima are over there.
- Oh, great. We'll knock 'em
both out at once.
Who are they talking to?
- Oh, that's that astronaut.
Yeah, I think he runs
an aerospace firm.
- Oh, It's Charlie Altman.
Halo Aeronautics.
- Oh.
- He just left Halo, actually.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Where do you go from there?
- Hmm.
- It's an open bar,
so anything you want
to drink, free.
- I know how open bar
works, Wesley.
- Wesley, do you know
why Charlie Altman is here?
Seems like he's getting
real cozy with the board.
- Oh, you know what?
I know he went to dinner
with some of them
a few nights ago.
London Chop House.
- London Chop House?
That's where they took me when
they offered me the CEO job.
- Oh.
Ruh-roh!
- Could I have a lot of shots
of something?
.
- Mark.
- Katherine.
- So nice to see you.
- Nice to see you as well.
Hey, do you know Charlie?
- Charlie Altman.
Houston, we have an astronaut.
- Katherine Hastings.
It's a pleasure.
- Charlie was telling me
some amazing stories
from his
old space shuttle years.
- Wow. What an accomplishment
that must have been.
I mean, piloting--
well, actually,
do you fly, or are they more
computerized nowadays?
- Computers do most
of the work.
- So you're sort of along
for the ride,
kind of a passenger on a bus.
- I'm sure it's just a bit
more complicated than that.
- Yes, of course.
Otherwise, we would just have
sent monkeys up there.
Although I guess at first,
we did.
We did some monkeys up there.
That worked out all right.
- And how are you finding
the new job?
Big Pharma to Big Auto--
those are some
pretty different skill sets.
- Yeah, you know,
but selling is selling.
And when you have
a great product,
it kind of sells itself, so--
- I'm glad to hear it.
Just don't go getting a bunch
of old grannies
addicted to cars.
- [laughs]
- Didn't work out so well
for you last time, did it?
- No. And I heard
you just left Halo.
Hope it wasn't
a MeToo situation.
- [laughs] No, no, no.
- I'm sure we would have heard
something about that.
- Yeah, of course,
we would have.
Although, with NDAs these days,
you know,
you don't always hear.
[laughs]
- You made that point
last week.
I mean, you're talking
torque versus power.
- Exactly.
- EVs, isn't it?
You can't quite get both.
- Unless you're
the Roadster 250.
Zero to 60 in
under 2 seconds.
- See, that's not even fair.
The McLaren takes
three seconds--the McLaren.
- I know, it's crazy.
- It's ridiculous.
- Is it true red cars
go faster?
- [all chuckle]
- Oh.
- My brother told me
that as a kid.
I'm just hearing
how dumb it sounds.
- It's not.
No, that's not dumb.
Could be true.
- It is possible.
- Yeah, we should look into it.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- From bringing clean water
to the Congo
to rebuilding homes...
- Unbelievable.
This guy is auditioning
for my job in front of me.
He's got balls.
I'll give him that.
- You have balls.
You have big balls.
I mean, they're lady balls,
but they're big.
- ...Michigan Mentors,
pairing at-risk Detroit youth
with consistent role models.
- Thanks
to the Payne Foundation
and the Michigan Mentors,
there's nothing I can't do.
It went it! Oh, my God!
It went in!
- He is adorable.
You know what?
Maybe I should become a mentor.
- Leave those children alone.
They have enough problems
as it is.
- And now your master
of ceremonies, Tom Bergeron!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I love
how they edited that video
to make it seem like it
went right in the basket.
[laughter]
Yes, I am Tom Bergeron.
Welcome to the Payne
Foundation's 65th Annual Gala.
The Paynes really are
an amazing family.
Take Amelia Payne, for example.
Just made "Forbes'"
30 Under 30 list.
I'm sorry, Amelia,
the work is good,
but I'm gonna need to see
a birth certificate.
[laughter]
Then there's Marshall Payne,
award-winning novelist.
Marshall writes books about--
- Uh-oh, roasting time.
I can take it.
This must be what
a marshmallow feels like.
This must be
what a marshmallow feels like.
- I heard you.
- I heard you.
- They get roasted.
- I got it.
- Stop it.
- Then Landon Payne--
pro-golfer, successful
at hitting both the ball
and the bowl,
if you know what I mean,
- You do smoke weed, though.
You do.
- Shh, quiet.
- And Hunter Payne.
You know, Hunter won his last
election by six points,
and he would have won by more,
but his check bounced.
[laughter]
- Wish I made
the same joke, man.
- It's not really that good.
- What?
- Nothing.
[upbeat music]
♪
[camera beeping,
shutter clicking]
- Whew.
Shall we hit the bar?
- No! No!
Let's do a couple more.
- Okay. Couple more.
- Guess who I am.
- Flavor Flav!
- Flavor Flav!
Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- [exhales deeply]
- Oh.
Hi. Sorry.
Excuse me.
Aren't you--aren't you the chap
from the video?
- Uh-huh.
- The foundation invited
Andre and me to the dinner.
I'm Sierra.
I run the mentorship program.
- Elliot. Hi. It's
a wonderful-looking program.
I have to say, young Andre here
really tore up
the silver screen over there--
a true showman.
- I like your accent.
He sounds just like James Bond.
- Oh, gosh.
Wow. That's--that's honestly
one of the nicest things
anyone's ever said to me,
Andre,
you silver-tongued charmer.
I was a real 007 fan
when I was a boy, you know?
"Shaken, not stirred."
It's Sprite, but, uh,
you know...
- It's pretty funny, right?
- Say something else.
- Uh, okay.
What would he say?
He'd say,
"Moneypenny, get in here
and bring Q with you,"
or something.
It's not a direct quote.
It's pretty good, isn't it?
Uh, you know,
I actually have got
a lot of spare weekends now,
you know, since the divorce,
Um, and I was thinking
I could possibly volunteer
to be Andre's big brother.
- Michigan Mentor.
- Right. Yeah, whatever.
- Well, Andre actually already
has a mentor,
but there are a lot of
other boys who could use one.
- Right. Yeah, well--
oh, no, well, I'm sure.
I can--I can--
I can well imagine.
Um, so how does it work?
Is there sort of a menu
that I can sort of pick from?
- Oh, no. I'll just take down
your information,
and we'll assign you someone.
- Oh, oh, a-a surprise.
- [chuckles]
- Oh. [laughs]
I love surprises.
- I know, but it's weird
he couldn't think of anything
bad to say about me.
It's like, I'm not perfect,
Tom Bergeron.
- Or maybe he didn't think
you was important enough
to mention--
you ever thought of that?
- Ha ha, burn.
- One Pinot and one club soda
with lime, please.
- Not a big drinker, huh?
- Oh, I'm such a lightweight.
I got to stay sharp.
It's an all-hands-on
kind of night.
- Can I just say--
i-it's really cool
how supportive you
are of Katherine.
Not a lot of guys
would do that.
- She is the CEO
of a "Fortune" 500 company.
- Mm.
- I teach math
to fourth graders.
So, if I have to hold her purse
sometimes to let her shine,
I'm happy to do it.
- My ex dumped me 'cause
I wouldn't let him promote
his essential-oils pyramid
scheme on my work listserv.
- Oh, you know,
it's a two-way street.
I hold her purse
at fancy galas,
and she comes
to my PTA mixers...
I mean, if she's not off
doing business
in Mumbai or someplace.
- Oh, well, I doubt she'll have
to go to Mumbai anytime soon.
[chuckles]
- What about that new factory,
the one in Mumbai...
that she keeps going to?
- Oh, Mumbai, India.
Uh, yeah, I-I think we got--
I mean, I'm not really
on the manufacturing side,
but Asia--
[chuckles awkwardly]
I-I...
.
- Richard, wait, wait--
- What have you been doing
when you say you're in India?
- W-where?
- India, that country in Asia
you claim
you've been traveling to?
- Richard was just asking
about the new plant,
and I couldn't remember
if you've been going to Mumbai
technically or just
the Greater Mumbai area.
- Are you cheating on me?
- Richard, please!
Can we talk
about this in private?
- Yeah, fine.
- Thank you so much.
[chuckles awkwardly]
- Is it someone at work?
Is it that British lawyer guy?
- Ew! No!
- I mean, obviously, not him
specifically, but it could be--
- Richard, I am not
cheating on you.
Sometimes I just check into
a hotel for a couple of nights.
- What?
- Alone. Alone.
I order room service.
I watch movies.
- We have every streaming
service on the planet
at our house.
- There's something special
about channel surfing
in a hotel.
You get in in the middle
of the movie,
Who are these people?
How did they get here?
I don't know. I'm just here
to have a good time.
- Wait, so all the times
that you said you couldn't make
one of my events,
it's because you wanted
to watch pay-per-view?
- My job is meeting
after meeting and speeches
and interviews and dinners,
and sometimes
I just need a little me time.
- "Me time"?
I have never missed
one of your events
because I needed me time.
I mean, that's--
How selfish can one person be?
Here, take your damn purse.
- Richard, please don't leave.
- Why?
'Cause you want me
to help you work the board?
- No!
It's a lot of reasons.
Please.
- Oh, God.
Come on.
- Why so sad, Treebeard?
Saruman cut down
your forest again?
- Andre was taken.
Not like Liam Neeson starrer
"Taken."
I mean, he's already
got a mentor.
So, instead,
they've given me...
- Hector, what's your favorite
class in school?
- I don't know.
PE, I guess.
- I mean--
- He seems fine.
- "Fine"?
Yeah, well, that's actually
the perfect word for it.
It's fine, he's fine.
Andre was [bleep]damn adorable.
- You're a terrible person.
- I mean, look at this.
"Hobbies, baseball."
Oh, wow, Hector.
That's original.
God!
♪
- Tough night?
- I may have just destroyed
Katherine's marriage
on one of the most
important nights of her career.
Other than that, I'm great.
How about you?
Where's your date?
- Yeah, boy!
[camera shutter clicks]
- Ooh, doing a Flavor Flav
thing over there, huh?
- She is really into him.
Don't even think she noticed
I'm not there.
- You really found
your princess, didn't you?
[both chuckle]
- He had to carry
a special little ass pillow--
- Uh-oh. Family talking to
coworkers, worlds colliding--
my worst nightmare.
- We're hearing
young Wesley stories.
- Ah, yes.
I was a bit of a wild child.
- Yeah, a bully
put a rock up your butt.
- No, no,
it was--it was a pebble, so--
- It was about that big.
- It was--didn't go
all the way in.
- I remember our grandmother,
she shows up there,
and she looks at him
and she goes,
"You're a disgrace.
You're never gonna have
a real job."
- She said that to him.
- She had lost her mind
at that--at that--
- She was old,
but she was kind of funny.
- And I proved her wrong, so...
- Well, not really.
I mean, what are you,
an intern?
- No. Our interns
are actually useful.
- Oh, zing! You got me.
- Owned. Owned.
- That's a good one.
No, seriously, though...
- No, seriously,
I'm just asking.
I'm not busting balls.
What do you do here?
- Okay, guys, come on.
You know what I do.
- Seriously, what do you do?
- Well, he stinks up
the bathroom a lot.
- Ah, zing again!
- Oh, always, always.
- It's Burn City around here.
- We called him
the Climate Changer
'cause it was always
10 degrees warmer
after he was done
taking a dump.
- That was--that was one time
that it happened.
- Oh, yeah.
He sets off fire alarms.
- Remember, I specifically
said that wasn't me.
- All right. All right.
His 12th birthday...
- Mm-hmm.
- Panic attack.
Had to call the fire
department, locks himself--
- Hey, Landon,
maybe instead of weed,
Bergeron should have
mentioned the heroin.
Why don't you go back to rehab,
you [bleep] junkie?
You broke mom's heart.
Zing.
- Oh.
- The men's room
on the other side.
- Oh, yes. No, I know.
I was waiting for you
to come out of the ladies' one.
I got your email
about Hector.
Um, he seems like
a fantastic little chap.
Yes, anyone would be lucky
to be his big brother.
- Michigan Mentor.
- Exactly.
Yeah, but the thing is, I have
a bit more of a connection,
I feel like, with Andre.
- Right.
But Andre already
has a mentor.
- Yes. No, sure,
but I was thinking perhaps
we should let Andre choose
who his mentor was,
you know, because if this
other chap
has got a better connection
with Hector,
you know, and we could swap.
- Uh, yeah, we don't do swaps.
It's better for the children
that they bond
with just one mentor.
- Right, but, you know, what if
Andre's mentor turns out to be
a molester, you know--
have you thought about that?
Because I don't think that's
gonna be much better for him.
Do you know what I mean?
- So you're proposing that we
put the molester with Hector?
- Well, Hector--
Hector is older, isn't he?
So he's--he's stronger.
He's got a better shot
of fighting the guy off.
Do you know what I mean? So--
- Talked to Harman,
talked to Novie,
talked to Gates.
McGarry's a no-show.
You'd think the chairman
of the board
would show up to this thing?
- Maybe he needs
a little "me time."
- Richard, can we not do this?
My job is on the line.
This is important.
- This is important?
What about me?
- Okay.
- Aren't I important?
- You are.
- Oh! Richard!
- Ow. Oh, my God.
- No, I don't do blood.
Mm-mm.
- All right. Oh, God. Oh, God.
This is gonna need stitches.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Oh, no.
- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Let's get you
to the emergency room.
- Really? You sure?
- Yes. Oh, God.
There will be other nights.
I probably need to be
surgically removed
from these Spanx.
- Okay.
- Keep pressure on it.
- I will. I will.
- Oh, my God, it's McGarry.
- Now he shows up?
- Aren't we leaving?
Sweetheart?
Darling, I'm--
- Hospital. Yes. Mm-hmm.
- Darling?
- Mm-hmm.
- Darling?
- Mm-hmm. Right.
- Darling?
- Yes, yes. Yes.
.
- Well, where are we going?
- The exit.
- The exit's that way.
- Oh, yeah.
No, that one is closer,
but--Soren?
Hi! Soren.
Richard, this is Soren McGarry,
the chairman of the board.
- Hi.
- Soren, this is Richard.
- Richard, pleased to meet you.
Oh!
- Oh, I cut myself.
- Oh, oh. Are you--
- It's nothing.
- It's actually really deep.
- He exaggerates.
Oh, what are you two
over here conspiring about?
- We were just talking
about the future
of the auto industry.
- Charlie here has some
pretty interesting ideas.
- Oh, really?
Yeah, I do, too.
I have--I have lots of them--
I was actually hoping
to share some of them
with you here tonight.
- Katherine, I really think--
I'm sorry, I should go.
- Yeah. Why don't you
just wait right over there?
It'll be ten seconds,
I promise.
- Right.
- Okay, okay.
- Sure.
- All right.
I'll be out in a minute.
I have been thinking
that an electric-model Pika,
I mean, even if it's not
profitable,
well, um, uh...
well, um, would help cultivate
our, uh
our--our--our image,
um, you know,
as a progressive--
[upbeat music]
- I had to cut a massive check
to get myself
out of the whole
Hector situation.
I think that was their plan
from the start.
Lure the suckers
in with the eye candy
and then lump them with a dud
and make them pay up.
- When describing a young boy,
maybe try not using
the phrase "eye candy."
- Okay.
- Hey, Wes.
Want to come
with us to get some drinks?
- Oh, uh, I'm sure my family
wants me to do something
with them.
They'll be fine.
Yeah. Thanks.
- You know your family sucks,
by the way.
- Hey, what's--what's going on?
- I'm waiting for a room.
Richard says we should take
a couple of nights apart.
At least I think
that's what he said.
His texting hand has six
stitches,
so it's mostly gibberish.
- I'm--I'm so sorry.
I didn't know
about the India thing.
- Do you think
I'm a selfish person?
- Selfish? No. Um...
- I know that I am.
- Hmm.
- My first husband
used to say,
"How can you be married to me
when you're already
married to yourself?"
- That's why he's your ex.
Well, name me the successful
CEO who isn't a little selfish.
You know, the winner
of the rat race isn't the rat
who's, you know,
spending her time
thinking about all
the other rats' feelings?
- They should put that
on a poster.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- It felt good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Tom Bergeron is having
a party in his suite.
Want to get weird?
- Nah, I'm--I'm pretty tired.
I think I'm just gonna pass.
You should go, though.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, have fun.
I'll call you.
- All right.
See ya.
[upbeat music playing]
- Hey, you coming?
- Definitely.
- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- I'm never gonna die!
- This is Michigan Mentor's
website, okay?
It's all Andre.
No sign of Hector, of course.
You know why?
- I--
- 'Cause he's an absolute dud.
- Hey, I meant to tell you
earlier,
you--you look good tonight.
- Do I normally look
like a garbage person?
- No, no. You always look good,
but tonight
you look more good.
- Thank you.
- Whoo! Who is thirsty?
- Me!
- Hey, you guys
should try this.
I've never done this before.
How do you like me now,
Bergeron?