American Auto (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Employee Morale - full transcript
Upon Jin, the CFO, announcing his retirement, Katherine learns from Sadie that senior management attrition has skyrocketed since she took over as CEO. Following a senior staff meeting to discuss the issue, Katherine decides on a multi-prong approach to discover what's going on while trying proactively to improve employee morale. Wesley takes it upon himself to be the "fun" leader, he co-opting emotionally opposite Cyrus to be his sidekick. Elliot and Jack are tasked with reading employee emails - the senior staff emails exempt - to discover if there are any rumblings about problems, they however unable to avoid those emails that mention them directly. Sadie is tasked in speaking to Jin directly as a friend - the two who don't really know each other - to try and convince him to stay just to decrease the numbers of those leaving and as he is the highest profile of their ranks thus far. And Dori has to manage Katherine's new official open door policy, which in reality is still a closed door policy. Through it all, Katherine, upon finding out what's going on, has to make a decision on a decisive overall direction to stop the bleed.
.
- Hey, folks. Excuse me.
I don't wanna
interrupt anyone's work,
but Jin just told me
that he'll be leaving Payne,
and he asked to share
just a few quick, quick words.
- Hello, all. I'm Jin.
- Yeah.
They know that.
They know that.
- Payne's Chief
Financial Officer.
It was 40 years ago that I
started
my first job in finance.
- Mm.
- You might be thinking
I look rather young for that.
You're right.
I was eight years old.
- Great.
Well, we can probably
fast forward
through a couple decades.
- When my parents immigrated
to this country,
they used to have me
do the bookkeeping
for their store.
So from early on,
I learned to work with family.
And I still do because
you are all my family too.
all:
Aw!
- But now I'm leaving
my job family
to spend more time
with my non-job family.
By which I mean my actual
family who I'm related to.
- Wow. Well, thank you, Jin.
- But I'll miss you.
- We wish you--
- I'll miss you all.
Going forward...
- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
- I call dibs
on his corner office.
- Oh, if you move into his
office, maybe I can take yours.
- Oh, so you want to move into
the office that just so happens
to be right next door
to Sadie's office?
- That's just where
his office his is.
- Ooh, I bet they're gonna
knock on the wall like once
for "I love you,"
twice for "I miss you."
- Yeah, or like,
maybe there's like a crack
in the wall.
- Oh, exactly,
and he's gonna like,
"Oh, Sadie, back up
against the crack in the wall."
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Like this, Jack?
- Oh. Oh, just like that.
- Oh, my God.
- No, I just meant like
a crack they talk through
like--like Pyramus and Thisbe.
- I'm not sure that this
is the audience
or high-brow
Greek mythology references.
- Sadie, it feels so good.
- It does, it does.
- It feels so good.
- Ooh!
- So how do you want to handle
the press release
about Jin leaving?
- Ah, I don't know.
"Jin is leaving.
How will we go on?
"He'll always live
within our hearts
and in the sound
of every baby's laughter."
You know, standard boilerplate.
- We--we just want to make sure
it doesn't look to Wall Street
or the board that people
are jumping ship here.
- It's one guy.
- It's not, though.
Our rate of attrition has gone
up, actually, ever since, um...
- Ever since?
- Ever since you started.
We also lost three members of
upper management last quarter.
- How much more is that
than average?
- It's about three--
three more than average.
- Oh, that's a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, Sadie. I've never tried
this before, but I trust you.
- Like watching myself
in the mirror.
- What's going on?
- Oh, Elliot was joking
about Jack and Sadie [bleep]
through a gloryhole.
- Wha--
- Seriously?
- That's not even close
to being true.
- Look, I'm not a prude.
I kinda want to hear the joke.
But let's not do that
kind of stuff in front of--
maybe that's why so many people
around here lately
have been quitting.
- No one's quitting their job
over an awesome sex joke.
- What is it then? Have people
been complaining about me?
- Not to me. Certainly.
But you know, everyone
around here knows that I--
you know,
I'm true blue Team Katherine.
- Ugh!
- Get your hand out of her ass.
- Look, I don't
take it personally.
I just need to know what the
issues are so I can fix them.
- We could send out
employee surveys.
- No one's ever really honest
in those.
They assume
they're not anonymous.
- Well, are they?
- Oh, no, they're not.
- We could read
employee emails,
see what they're saying
about us behind our backs.
- Wait, can we do that?
- Read employee emails
on an employee server?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, absolutely.
We can do that.
- Great.
- Some boundaries are there
for a reason.
- No, no, just to be clear,
I'm not gonna read
any of your emails, okay?
You can all be exempt.
- Oh.
- Rules were meant
to be broken.
- Let's log on right now.
- Okay, nice principles,
everybody.
Jack, you go with Elliot.
Each of you should
check on the other.
And no reading
any of our emails, all right?
Sadie, talk to Jin.
See if you can stop him
from leaving.
- Oh, wouldn't that be more
convincing coming from you?
- Oh, no, he's pretty
intimidated by strong women.
I think it'd be better
coming from you.
- That's nice.
- So the admin search bar
is here.
And if you want to search
for two things,
you can use the "and" function.
- Oh, yes,
the Boolean operators.
Yeah, I know a little bit
about computers.
I built the website
for my wedding.
Yeah, we're divorced now,
but um, you know,
the website's still up.
- So what do we search for?
I mean, people don't write
things like "my morale is low."
- We could search for
"Hate my life.
"Hate my job. Hate this place.
This place sucks [bleep].
"My boss sucks [bleep].
My boss sucks my [bleep].
"My boss is a dick.
[bleep] this place.
[bleep] everyone."
That kind of thing.
- Yeah, let's--let's start
with those.
- Jin!
What the--mister,
I'm mad at you.
- What did I do?
- No, I mean,
how could you leave us?
Mister? Not cool.
I'm gonna miss you.
- But we're not very close.
- Jin, don't say that.
Ow!
[clicks tongue]
Let me buy you lunch.
What do you like?
Lobster, steak?
Anything you want.
What do you want?
You want sushi?
- Mm, I'm more of
a turkey Swiss
on white bread kind of guy.
- That sounds amazing!
I want--no, I don't.
I'm gluten-free.
Aw, Jin, I'm gonna miss you.
- May I ask you
just one little favor?
Would it be possible
if you spoke
in your regular voice?
- My regular--yeah, yeah.
That's a lot, wasn't it?
- It was.
- Cy-dawg. Heads up!
[loud whooshing]
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm in hell!
- You are officially invited
to join the Payne Fun Patrol.
- It's in my mouth.
- We're gonna go around.
We're gonna do fun things,
raise morale, it'll be great.
- I need an eye wash.
Why did you have to do this?
- 'Cause this is
my family's company,
and if people aren't happy
here, then I'm gonna fix it.
Welcome to the team.
Whoo!
- Sweet Jesus.
- Hey, everyone. Hi.
I'm just wondering how
everyone's
feeling about
things.
You know, is there anything
that we or I could--
could be doing better?
You know, stuff like, um,
I don't know, more windows.
Well, I mean, obviously
we can't--we can't do that.
But, you know, stuff like that.
Stuff like that.
- I wouldn't mind having some
pistachios in the break room.
- Pistachios! Done.
Dori, write it down!
- I have tree nut allergies,
so I can't eat pistachios.
I can't even be near them.
- Got it. Okay, great.
So no pistachios,
just cross those off.
- All right. All right.
All right.
- That's no problem at all.
Well, if any of you think
of anything or, you know,
you just want to even ever
just chat,
my door is always open.
- Is now a good time?
- I'm sorry?
- Is now a good time to chat?
- Uh, Dori, what's--
what's my schedule?
Is it pretty--pretty hectic?
- Uh, no.
You just have an interview
with Motor Trend today,
but that's in half an hour,
so you're free right now.
- So I--I am free. I am free.
And I am free right now.
There I am. I'm free.
So I guess come on in. Um--
- Barb. Short for Barbara.
But that's
my grandmother's name,
so I go by Barb.
- Great. Love it. Barb!
Come on. Let's chat! Barb, huh?
.
- Okay, so we have two options.
We go all the way fun--
so like dumping a bucket
of slime on someone's head--
or we go classy, like eating
sushi off a naked lady.
But the problem is body heat.
You don't want a hot sushi.
- Or we could have
a little cake
and give everyone T-shirts.
- Okay. Building on that idea.
Foam party. All right?
No one sees what anyone's
doing, total deniability
to "roam in the foam."
- How's that building
on my idea?
- T-shirts made me think
of wet T-shirts
made me think of foam party.
- In college,
we had a Silly Wall.
Just a little section of a wall
where people could draw silly
pictures or write messages.
- You must be the least
fun person
I've ever met in my life.
- If I'm so not fun,
then why did you
ask for my help
in the first place?
- Because everyone else
is busy.
- What the hell?
Did you know people
around the office
were referring to me
as "Asexuelliot"?
- We said we wouldn't read
emails about each other.
- No, we wouldn't read emails
from each other, okay?
From, not about.
It's a crucial preposition.
I mean, "Asexuelliot"
is not even a good nickname.
- I don't think it's supposed
to be good.
I think it's supposed
to be mean.
- No, but my point is
it's not accurate, okay?
Because I'm not asexual.
I mean, Chloe,
do you think I'm asexual?
- I never thought about your
sexuality one way or another.
- See?
- Isn't that the definition
of asexual?
- Okay. Yeah.
No, I see what's going on.
It's because I'm British.
That's what's going on.
This often happens
on this side of the pond.
- No, what about Daniel Craig?
- Well, he is the exception
that proves the rule.
- Idris Elba, Kit Harington,
Charlie Hunnam, Henry Cavill,
Andrew Garfield,
Pierce Brosnan.
- Well, Pierce Brosnan
is Irish.
- Pretty much the whole
cast of "Bridgerton."
- [bleep] off, Chloe. Actually.
- And then the doctor said,
"I'm not even anemic.
I'm just old."
[laughs]
- That's amazing.
- Uh, I hate to interrupt,
but you have
that Motor Trend interview.
- Seriously? Shoot.
You know, I was skeptical
about this, but this was great.
If you want to stop by later,
I'll tell you
the second half of that story.
- Are you sure?
I don't want to bug you.
- You could never.
Absolutely not. Hey, Dori.
If Barb ever wants to stop by,
my door is always open, okay?
- All right, then
I'll see you later.
- Okay. Take care, Barb.
[laughs]
- Wow, looks like
you guys really--
- That is the most annoying
[bleep] lunatic
I have ever met
in my entire life.
Don't ever let her within
ten feet of me ever again.
- Okay. I got it.
- Oh, and Dori?
If I ever asked you
if something's on my calendar,
the answer is always yes!
- Yes.
- It's not gonna be the same
without you here.
I feel like we're just
getting to know each other.
- Are you on the 'gram?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm on the 'gram.
- Is there something
that we could do
to make you change your mind?
I know it's been a tough year
with the remodel
and the stock restructure.
And, you know,
there is an adjustment period
having a new CEO that isn't
fully versed in the industry.
- That's an understatement.
- Katherine?
Right.
Take it you're not a fan then.
- Understatement number two.
Not only am I not a fan.
I'm an anti-fan.
- Gotcha.
- I actively dislike her.
- Everybody up!
[upbeat music playing]
Come on!
I said get out of those seats.
I want you and you and you.
Not you. Just kidding.
You too. Come on!
- What is happening?
- Oh, what's happening is
a midday dance break.
Get those endorphins going.
Come on, everybody! Whoo!
- Or if you feel like
being wacky,
come check out the Silly Wall.
Hey, Cyrus,
what's a Silly Wall?
I'm gonna show you.
- Come on, you don't need
to know those moves.
Just find that beat. Uh-oh.
She'll have to call you back.
She's dancing!
- So this is an octopus.
Kind of silly, right?
But I'm gonna get
even sillier with it
and give him a cowboy hat.
- Hey, who put all the supplies
on my dance floor?
Get out of here.
Come on, everybody!
It's the running man.
Do the running man. Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Everyone, do this move.
Lauren, do this move
or else you're fired.
Whoa! Bad form,
but I love the effort. Whoo!
- Now, what if this octopus
was wearing a cowboy hat
on top
of the Empire State Building?
Uh-uh.
Y'all ain't ready. Hold on.
- Hey, ho! Hey, ho!
Not mandatory
but highly suggested.
- This is silly as hell, right?
[laughs]
- Okay, so I didn't go around
the office
talking about sex all the time.
That doesn't make asexual.
Makes me appropriate
for the workplace.
- Hmm.
- What?
- Ah, nothing.
- Are they calling you
asexual too?
- No.
- Are they calling you sexual?
Do you know what,
it doesn't--doesn't matter.
Don't even know why--don't even
know why I'm talking about it.
I mean, Janine
is calling me asexual.
I mean, the woman is
a weapons-grade boner killer.
Right?
- Uh, yes. Excuse me.
I have to call you back.
Excuse me! Hi.
Where are you going?
- Oh, I was telling Kat about
this hilarious goat yoga video.
I just want to show it to her.
- Yeah, well, she's not in.
You can forward it to me
and I'll make sure she sees it.
- I want to watch her face
while she's watching it.
I'll wait for her.
- No, actually,
she doesn't like people
being in her office
when she's not there.
- Um, I'm not "people."
I'm Barb.
- You are--Barb!
Barb, please!
No, don't you sit down!
- Her leadership skills
are lackluster at best.
And you ever notice
how she says right
at the end of everything
and you have to say right back
like you're agreeing with her
even when she's wrong?
- Sure.
She's an acquired taste.
- You should come with me
to Volkswagen.
- You're going to Volkswagen?
- And not just me.
They're poaching
all our best people.
By next year, there will be
no one good left here.
It'll be like--
ever read "Atlas Shrugged"?
- No.
- "Stranger in a Strange Land"?
- I don't have that
much time to read.
- "Hunger Games."
- Oh, that was a book?
I saw the movie. Great movie.
- Yeah, well, this place
is about to become District 12.
- That's the worst district.
.
- Volkswagen?
All these people have been
jumping ship for Volkswagen?!
- He said Hassan Carr
in Logistics,
Claire Hartley in Gov Affairs,
and Rob Berg in Design
are all leaving
with him this week.
And if that makes
other people follow,
pretty soon it's gonna be like
"Stranger in a Strange Land"
around here.
- Never read that.
Is that any good?
- It's pretty good.
- I can't believe
they're poaching Rob Berg!
I am so much better than him.
- Yeah, that's
the headline here.
Okay. Jin is the biggest name
on this list.
If I can get him
to agree to stay,
maybe it will staunch
the bleeding.
- Or we publicly fire
the people
who are planning to leave.
Make an example of them.
"This is what happens
when you get out of the line."
- Publicly purging your enemies
might feel a little fascist.
- Yeah, there's literally
a video of Saddam Hussein
doing exactly that.
- Yeah, that's where
I got the idea.
- Yeah. I don't want
to rule by fear, okay?
I want people to be here
because they want to be here.
- Do you think they went
after Rob
because they thought
I was too loyal to be poached?
- Oh, I don't think anyone
would think that about you.
- You're gonna get--
- Hey!
- Why can't I get you out?
- Leave me alone!
- You cannot be here!
- What is going on?
- Kat, thank God.
Your secretary
is trying to kick me out.
- She ran in here.
I'm trying to keep her away
from you, Katherine.
- Why would she be trying
to keep me away from you?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
Dori, Barb is my friend.
Wasn't I clear when I said
my door is always open to Barb?
I am really
disappointed in you.
Now if you could please
do your job
and ask Jin to come see me,
that would be great.
- No problem.
- I am so sorry about her. Wow!
- Cyrus, am I a sexual person?
- Um.
- I'm not--I'm not hitting
on you or anything like that.
It's just that--I guess some
people here think I'm asexual.
So you know,
doesn't really bother me.
But it does a bit.
- No.
Maybe it's just
because you're British.
- So funny, that's exactly
what I said, thank you.
- I mean, this morning Wesley
said I'm not fun.
I mean, that's not true, right?
- Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly describe you
as the office fun guy, but...
- Well, at least I'm not
a [bleep] eunuch.
- Hey, you got a sec?
- Sure. What's up?
- Yeah, did you recommend me
for a management
training program?
- Training program?
- Yeah.
I saw the email chain
between you
and the head of the program.
I mean, I wasn't
reading your emails.
I saw it in his inbox.
- Yes, the PMTB, yeah.
I--I go by the acronym. Yeah.
I mean, I thought that
that would be great for you.
I hope that's okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, it would rotate me
out of Detroit
for months at a time.
- Would it?
I didn't--I didn't know that.
- You trying to get
rid of me again?
- Whoa! Wow.
Try to do a guy a favor.
- Right, if you--if you're
still feeling weird about us
or if it's maybe because
I'm dating this new girl or--
- No, I thought that this
would be a chance for you
to get the tools that you need
to have a career here.
But, you know, if you're fine
not having the tools
and like being tool-less--
- Okay, so now you're
just insulting me?
- You know what? It's fine.
Forget it.
Maybe people will just
keep hitting you with cars
and promoting you to positions
that you didn't earn
and you don't deserve.
- Got it.
Sorry for doubting
your motives.
- It wasn't what I--
- No, thank you.
For the recommendation.
- Jin, you're Chinese American,
right?
- Well, my folks
are from China.
But my mother's family
is from Vietnam.
- My point is that no matter
our heritage,
we all speak the same language.
- English.
- Money.
And I am willing to offer you
a stupid amount of it
to stay right here at Payne.
- The board would
never approve that.
- They wouldn't know.
You're the CFO. Find it.
- You're suggesting that
I embezzle from the company?
- Creative accounting.
- It isn't about the money.
- Jin, I don't want
to be the boss
that has to rule by fear.
I don't want to have
to threaten to tie you up
in litigation so long
that you would never
get to enjoy
your boring golden years
with your boring wife
and your boring grandchildren.
Don't make me be that boss.
- Maybe you won't be any boss.
- What does that mean?
- Word on the street is
the board isn't happy with you.
If I were you, I'd focus more
on whether you're gonna be able
to keep your own job
than worrying about mine.
- Barb.
- Hey, Jin.
Sorry, I just had to show you
the YouTube video
of the cinnamon challenge.
It's a major fail.
.
- Who is ready
for the first ever
Payne Employee
Appreciation Party?
Everybody, make some noise!
[loud whooshing]
[2 Unlimited's
"Get Ready For This" playing]
Dori, air horn.
[air horn blares]
- Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah!
Okay, yeah,
you're feeling this?
- Hello, ladies. Janine.
- Hi, Elliot.
- Donuts, right?
Yeah, kinda make me horny.
- No, no, no. I'm happy here.
Good pay, love the work.
I--I don't think
I'd ever leave.
Although I could
for the right opportunity.
But you know, it'd have
to make sense financially.
But you know,
if the money is good.
I could take a haircut
if I had to.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I was trying
to get rid of you.
It's not that I don't like you.
It's just hard enough
being taken seriously
as a young female executive
without a guy
you had a fling with
sitting ten feet away
and people making jokes
that we should drill gloryholes
in the wall.
- I'm so sorry about that.
- It's not your fault.
Anyway, that is the only reason
that I said
you didn't deserve to be here,
and it's not true.
- Just because it's the reason
you said it,
doesn't mean it's not true.
- ♪ Y'all ready for this?
[air horn blares]
- Yeah! Come on.
We're feeling it, right?
Oh! Okay.
- What is this?
What's happening?
- Uh-oh.
[air horn blares]
It looks like we're gonna
turn the fun dial up to 11.
Please give it up for the woman
who puts the "Kat"
in catastrophe.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- The one, the only
Katherine Hastings!
- I don't--I'm--I don't wanna.
- Come on, Payne!
Show her some love. Let's go.
- Oh.
- Come on.
Don't worry.
I got 'em all warmed up.
You just gotta hit it home.
- Okay, wow. Wow.
Uh, hello, I hope everyone
is having a great day.
You know, here at Payne,
we have a great group of folks.
Yeah, and, um, and I think
our best days are ahead.
I do.
[scattered applause]
Yes, we should be excited.
That's right
because who are we?
Then you guys say Payne.
Then you guys say Payne.
So I say--I say who are we?
And you guys know go--
all:
Payne!
- Right!
I said, who are we?
all: Payne!
[air horn blares]
- But you know, a business is
only as good as its employees.
So to those among us
who do not feel that love,
do not feel that pride,
I say find
somewhere else to work.
If you're not gung-ho
about working here,
hey, I will find
someone else who is.
Hassan Carr, Claire Hartley,
Rob Berg, Jintao Kang,
please pack your things and go.
Now who are we?
all: Payne!
- That's right! Who! Are! We?
all:
Payne!
- Yes!
[cheers and applause]
[air horn blares]
- Hi.
That was quite the speech.
Kind of went the Saddam route,
huh?
- He was in power for 25 years,
must have been doing
something right.
[chuckles]
I think I'm in trouble.
I think the board
might want me out.
- Oh.
Do you want to talk about it?
- No, it's late. You go home.
I need some time
to think anyway.
- Okay, night.
- That's a lot of penises.
- Yeah.
Adds something
to the place, huh?
- Yeah. Adds penises.
- Hmm.
- Well, don't stay too late.
Have a good night.
- Night.
Hi, Peyton.
This is Jack Fordham.
Sadie Ryan sent you
an email about me.
I want to say the next time
that there's an opening
in the training program,
definitely interested.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks.
- Hey, folks. Excuse me.
I don't wanna
interrupt anyone's work,
but Jin just told me
that he'll be leaving Payne,
and he asked to share
just a few quick, quick words.
- Hello, all. I'm Jin.
- Yeah.
They know that.
They know that.
- Payne's Chief
Financial Officer.
It was 40 years ago that I
started
my first job in finance.
- Mm.
- You might be thinking
I look rather young for that.
You're right.
I was eight years old.
- Great.
Well, we can probably
fast forward
through a couple decades.
- When my parents immigrated
to this country,
they used to have me
do the bookkeeping
for their store.
So from early on,
I learned to work with family.
And I still do because
you are all my family too.
all:
Aw!
- But now I'm leaving
my job family
to spend more time
with my non-job family.
By which I mean my actual
family who I'm related to.
- Wow. Well, thank you, Jin.
- But I'll miss you.
- We wish you--
- I'll miss you all.
Going forward...
- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
- I call dibs
on his corner office.
- Oh, if you move into his
office, maybe I can take yours.
- Oh, so you want to move into
the office that just so happens
to be right next door
to Sadie's office?
- That's just where
his office his is.
- Ooh, I bet they're gonna
knock on the wall like once
for "I love you,"
twice for "I miss you."
- Yeah, or like,
maybe there's like a crack
in the wall.
- Oh, exactly,
and he's gonna like,
"Oh, Sadie, back up
against the crack in the wall."
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Like this, Jack?
- Oh. Oh, just like that.
- Oh, my God.
- No, I just meant like
a crack they talk through
like--like Pyramus and Thisbe.
- I'm not sure that this
is the audience
or high-brow
Greek mythology references.
- Sadie, it feels so good.
- It does, it does.
- It feels so good.
- Ooh!
- So how do you want to handle
the press release
about Jin leaving?
- Ah, I don't know.
"Jin is leaving.
How will we go on?
"He'll always live
within our hearts
and in the sound
of every baby's laughter."
You know, standard boilerplate.
- We--we just want to make sure
it doesn't look to Wall Street
or the board that people
are jumping ship here.
- It's one guy.
- It's not, though.
Our rate of attrition has gone
up, actually, ever since, um...
- Ever since?
- Ever since you started.
We also lost three members of
upper management last quarter.
- How much more is that
than average?
- It's about three--
three more than average.
- Oh, that's a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, Sadie. I've never tried
this before, but I trust you.
- Like watching myself
in the mirror.
- What's going on?
- Oh, Elliot was joking
about Jack and Sadie [bleep]
through a gloryhole.
- Wha--
- Seriously?
- That's not even close
to being true.
- Look, I'm not a prude.
I kinda want to hear the joke.
But let's not do that
kind of stuff in front of--
maybe that's why so many people
around here lately
have been quitting.
- No one's quitting their job
over an awesome sex joke.
- What is it then? Have people
been complaining about me?
- Not to me. Certainly.
But you know, everyone
around here knows that I--
you know,
I'm true blue Team Katherine.
- Ugh!
- Get your hand out of her ass.
- Look, I don't
take it personally.
I just need to know what the
issues are so I can fix them.
- We could send out
employee surveys.
- No one's ever really honest
in those.
They assume
they're not anonymous.
- Well, are they?
- Oh, no, they're not.
- We could read
employee emails,
see what they're saying
about us behind our backs.
- Wait, can we do that?
- Read employee emails
on an employee server?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, absolutely.
We can do that.
- Great.
- Some boundaries are there
for a reason.
- No, no, just to be clear,
I'm not gonna read
any of your emails, okay?
You can all be exempt.
- Oh.
- Rules were meant
to be broken.
- Let's log on right now.
- Okay, nice principles,
everybody.
Jack, you go with Elliot.
Each of you should
check on the other.
And no reading
any of our emails, all right?
Sadie, talk to Jin.
See if you can stop him
from leaving.
- Oh, wouldn't that be more
convincing coming from you?
- Oh, no, he's pretty
intimidated by strong women.
I think it'd be better
coming from you.
- That's nice.
- So the admin search bar
is here.
And if you want to search
for two things,
you can use the "and" function.
- Oh, yes,
the Boolean operators.
Yeah, I know a little bit
about computers.
I built the website
for my wedding.
Yeah, we're divorced now,
but um, you know,
the website's still up.
- So what do we search for?
I mean, people don't write
things like "my morale is low."
- We could search for
"Hate my life.
"Hate my job. Hate this place.
This place sucks [bleep].
"My boss sucks [bleep].
My boss sucks my [bleep].
"My boss is a dick.
[bleep] this place.
[bleep] everyone."
That kind of thing.
- Yeah, let's--let's start
with those.
- Jin!
What the--mister,
I'm mad at you.
- What did I do?
- No, I mean,
how could you leave us?
Mister? Not cool.
I'm gonna miss you.
- But we're not very close.
- Jin, don't say that.
Ow!
[clicks tongue]
Let me buy you lunch.
What do you like?
Lobster, steak?
Anything you want.
What do you want?
You want sushi?
- Mm, I'm more of
a turkey Swiss
on white bread kind of guy.
- That sounds amazing!
I want--no, I don't.
I'm gluten-free.
Aw, Jin, I'm gonna miss you.
- May I ask you
just one little favor?
Would it be possible
if you spoke
in your regular voice?
- My regular--yeah, yeah.
That's a lot, wasn't it?
- It was.
- Cy-dawg. Heads up!
[loud whooshing]
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm in hell!
- You are officially invited
to join the Payne Fun Patrol.
- It's in my mouth.
- We're gonna go around.
We're gonna do fun things,
raise morale, it'll be great.
- I need an eye wash.
Why did you have to do this?
- 'Cause this is
my family's company,
and if people aren't happy
here, then I'm gonna fix it.
Welcome to the team.
Whoo!
- Sweet Jesus.
- Hey, everyone. Hi.
I'm just wondering how
everyone's
feeling about
things.
You know, is there anything
that we or I could--
could be doing better?
You know, stuff like, um,
I don't know, more windows.
Well, I mean, obviously
we can't--we can't do that.
But, you know, stuff like that.
Stuff like that.
- I wouldn't mind having some
pistachios in the break room.
- Pistachios! Done.
Dori, write it down!
- I have tree nut allergies,
so I can't eat pistachios.
I can't even be near them.
- Got it. Okay, great.
So no pistachios,
just cross those off.
- All right. All right.
All right.
- That's no problem at all.
Well, if any of you think
of anything or, you know,
you just want to even ever
just chat,
my door is always open.
- Is now a good time?
- I'm sorry?
- Is now a good time to chat?
- Uh, Dori, what's--
what's my schedule?
Is it pretty--pretty hectic?
- Uh, no.
You just have an interview
with Motor Trend today,
but that's in half an hour,
so you're free right now.
- So I--I am free. I am free.
And I am free right now.
There I am. I'm free.
So I guess come on in. Um--
- Barb. Short for Barbara.
But that's
my grandmother's name,
so I go by Barb.
- Great. Love it. Barb!
Come on. Let's chat! Barb, huh?
.
- Okay, so we have two options.
We go all the way fun--
so like dumping a bucket
of slime on someone's head--
or we go classy, like eating
sushi off a naked lady.
But the problem is body heat.
You don't want a hot sushi.
- Or we could have
a little cake
and give everyone T-shirts.
- Okay. Building on that idea.
Foam party. All right?
No one sees what anyone's
doing, total deniability
to "roam in the foam."
- How's that building
on my idea?
- T-shirts made me think
of wet T-shirts
made me think of foam party.
- In college,
we had a Silly Wall.
Just a little section of a wall
where people could draw silly
pictures or write messages.
- You must be the least
fun person
I've ever met in my life.
- If I'm so not fun,
then why did you
ask for my help
in the first place?
- Because everyone else
is busy.
- What the hell?
Did you know people
around the office
were referring to me
as "Asexuelliot"?
- We said we wouldn't read
emails about each other.
- No, we wouldn't read emails
from each other, okay?
From, not about.
It's a crucial preposition.
I mean, "Asexuelliot"
is not even a good nickname.
- I don't think it's supposed
to be good.
I think it's supposed
to be mean.
- No, but my point is
it's not accurate, okay?
Because I'm not asexual.
I mean, Chloe,
do you think I'm asexual?
- I never thought about your
sexuality one way or another.
- See?
- Isn't that the definition
of asexual?
- Okay. Yeah.
No, I see what's going on.
It's because I'm British.
That's what's going on.
This often happens
on this side of the pond.
- No, what about Daniel Craig?
- Well, he is the exception
that proves the rule.
- Idris Elba, Kit Harington,
Charlie Hunnam, Henry Cavill,
Andrew Garfield,
Pierce Brosnan.
- Well, Pierce Brosnan
is Irish.
- Pretty much the whole
cast of "Bridgerton."
- [bleep] off, Chloe. Actually.
- And then the doctor said,
"I'm not even anemic.
I'm just old."
[laughs]
- That's amazing.
- Uh, I hate to interrupt,
but you have
that Motor Trend interview.
- Seriously? Shoot.
You know, I was skeptical
about this, but this was great.
If you want to stop by later,
I'll tell you
the second half of that story.
- Are you sure?
I don't want to bug you.
- You could never.
Absolutely not. Hey, Dori.
If Barb ever wants to stop by,
my door is always open, okay?
- All right, then
I'll see you later.
- Okay. Take care, Barb.
[laughs]
- Wow, looks like
you guys really--
- That is the most annoying
[bleep] lunatic
I have ever met
in my entire life.
Don't ever let her within
ten feet of me ever again.
- Okay. I got it.
- Oh, and Dori?
If I ever asked you
if something's on my calendar,
the answer is always yes!
- Yes.
- It's not gonna be the same
without you here.
I feel like we're just
getting to know each other.
- Are you on the 'gram?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm on the 'gram.
- Is there something
that we could do
to make you change your mind?
I know it's been a tough year
with the remodel
and the stock restructure.
And, you know,
there is an adjustment period
having a new CEO that isn't
fully versed in the industry.
- That's an understatement.
- Katherine?
Right.
Take it you're not a fan then.
- Understatement number two.
Not only am I not a fan.
I'm an anti-fan.
- Gotcha.
- I actively dislike her.
- Everybody up!
[upbeat music playing]
Come on!
I said get out of those seats.
I want you and you and you.
Not you. Just kidding.
You too. Come on!
- What is happening?
- Oh, what's happening is
a midday dance break.
Get those endorphins going.
Come on, everybody! Whoo!
- Or if you feel like
being wacky,
come check out the Silly Wall.
Hey, Cyrus,
what's a Silly Wall?
I'm gonna show you.
- Come on, you don't need
to know those moves.
Just find that beat. Uh-oh.
She'll have to call you back.
She's dancing!
- So this is an octopus.
Kind of silly, right?
But I'm gonna get
even sillier with it
and give him a cowboy hat.
- Hey, who put all the supplies
on my dance floor?
Get out of here.
Come on, everybody!
It's the running man.
Do the running man. Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Everyone, do this move.
Lauren, do this move
or else you're fired.
Whoa! Bad form,
but I love the effort. Whoo!
- Now, what if this octopus
was wearing a cowboy hat
on top
of the Empire State Building?
Uh-uh.
Y'all ain't ready. Hold on.
- Hey, ho! Hey, ho!
Not mandatory
but highly suggested.
- This is silly as hell, right?
[laughs]
- Okay, so I didn't go around
the office
talking about sex all the time.
That doesn't make asexual.
Makes me appropriate
for the workplace.
- Hmm.
- What?
- Ah, nothing.
- Are they calling you
asexual too?
- No.
- Are they calling you sexual?
Do you know what,
it doesn't--doesn't matter.
Don't even know why--don't even
know why I'm talking about it.
I mean, Janine
is calling me asexual.
I mean, the woman is
a weapons-grade boner killer.
Right?
- Uh, yes. Excuse me.
I have to call you back.
Excuse me! Hi.
Where are you going?
- Oh, I was telling Kat about
this hilarious goat yoga video.
I just want to show it to her.
- Yeah, well, she's not in.
You can forward it to me
and I'll make sure she sees it.
- I want to watch her face
while she's watching it.
I'll wait for her.
- No, actually,
she doesn't like people
being in her office
when she's not there.
- Um, I'm not "people."
I'm Barb.
- You are--Barb!
Barb, please!
No, don't you sit down!
- Her leadership skills
are lackluster at best.
And you ever notice
how she says right
at the end of everything
and you have to say right back
like you're agreeing with her
even when she's wrong?
- Sure.
She's an acquired taste.
- You should come with me
to Volkswagen.
- You're going to Volkswagen?
- And not just me.
They're poaching
all our best people.
By next year, there will be
no one good left here.
It'll be like--
ever read "Atlas Shrugged"?
- No.
- "Stranger in a Strange Land"?
- I don't have that
much time to read.
- "Hunger Games."
- Oh, that was a book?
I saw the movie. Great movie.
- Yeah, well, this place
is about to become District 12.
- That's the worst district.
.
- Volkswagen?
All these people have been
jumping ship for Volkswagen?!
- He said Hassan Carr
in Logistics,
Claire Hartley in Gov Affairs,
and Rob Berg in Design
are all leaving
with him this week.
And if that makes
other people follow,
pretty soon it's gonna be like
"Stranger in a Strange Land"
around here.
- Never read that.
Is that any good?
- It's pretty good.
- I can't believe
they're poaching Rob Berg!
I am so much better than him.
- Yeah, that's
the headline here.
Okay. Jin is the biggest name
on this list.
If I can get him
to agree to stay,
maybe it will staunch
the bleeding.
- Or we publicly fire
the people
who are planning to leave.
Make an example of them.
"This is what happens
when you get out of the line."
- Publicly purging your enemies
might feel a little fascist.
- Yeah, there's literally
a video of Saddam Hussein
doing exactly that.
- Yeah, that's where
I got the idea.
- Yeah. I don't want
to rule by fear, okay?
I want people to be here
because they want to be here.
- Do you think they went
after Rob
because they thought
I was too loyal to be poached?
- Oh, I don't think anyone
would think that about you.
- You're gonna get--
- Hey!
- Why can't I get you out?
- Leave me alone!
- You cannot be here!
- What is going on?
- Kat, thank God.
Your secretary
is trying to kick me out.
- She ran in here.
I'm trying to keep her away
from you, Katherine.
- Why would she be trying
to keep me away from you?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
Dori, Barb is my friend.
Wasn't I clear when I said
my door is always open to Barb?
I am really
disappointed in you.
Now if you could please
do your job
and ask Jin to come see me,
that would be great.
- No problem.
- I am so sorry about her. Wow!
- Cyrus, am I a sexual person?
- Um.
- I'm not--I'm not hitting
on you or anything like that.
It's just that--I guess some
people here think I'm asexual.
So you know,
doesn't really bother me.
But it does a bit.
- No.
Maybe it's just
because you're British.
- So funny, that's exactly
what I said, thank you.
- I mean, this morning Wesley
said I'm not fun.
I mean, that's not true, right?
- Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly describe you
as the office fun guy, but...
- Well, at least I'm not
a [bleep] eunuch.
- Hey, you got a sec?
- Sure. What's up?
- Yeah, did you recommend me
for a management
training program?
- Training program?
- Yeah.
I saw the email chain
between you
and the head of the program.
I mean, I wasn't
reading your emails.
I saw it in his inbox.
- Yes, the PMTB, yeah.
I--I go by the acronym. Yeah.
I mean, I thought that
that would be great for you.
I hope that's okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, it would rotate me
out of Detroit
for months at a time.
- Would it?
I didn't--I didn't know that.
- You trying to get
rid of me again?
- Whoa! Wow.
Try to do a guy a favor.
- Right, if you--if you're
still feeling weird about us
or if it's maybe because
I'm dating this new girl or--
- No, I thought that this
would be a chance for you
to get the tools that you need
to have a career here.
But, you know, if you're fine
not having the tools
and like being tool-less--
- Okay, so now you're
just insulting me?
- You know what? It's fine.
Forget it.
Maybe people will just
keep hitting you with cars
and promoting you to positions
that you didn't earn
and you don't deserve.
- Got it.
Sorry for doubting
your motives.
- It wasn't what I--
- No, thank you.
For the recommendation.
- Jin, you're Chinese American,
right?
- Well, my folks
are from China.
But my mother's family
is from Vietnam.
- My point is that no matter
our heritage,
we all speak the same language.
- English.
- Money.
And I am willing to offer you
a stupid amount of it
to stay right here at Payne.
- The board would
never approve that.
- They wouldn't know.
You're the CFO. Find it.
- You're suggesting that
I embezzle from the company?
- Creative accounting.
- It isn't about the money.
- Jin, I don't want
to be the boss
that has to rule by fear.
I don't want to have
to threaten to tie you up
in litigation so long
that you would never
get to enjoy
your boring golden years
with your boring wife
and your boring grandchildren.
Don't make me be that boss.
- Maybe you won't be any boss.
- What does that mean?
- Word on the street is
the board isn't happy with you.
If I were you, I'd focus more
on whether you're gonna be able
to keep your own job
than worrying about mine.
- Barb.
- Hey, Jin.
Sorry, I just had to show you
the YouTube video
of the cinnamon challenge.
It's a major fail.
.
- Who is ready
for the first ever
Payne Employee
Appreciation Party?
Everybody, make some noise!
[loud whooshing]
[2 Unlimited's
"Get Ready For This" playing]
Dori, air horn.
[air horn blares]
- Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah!
Okay, yeah,
you're feeling this?
- Hello, ladies. Janine.
- Hi, Elliot.
- Donuts, right?
Yeah, kinda make me horny.
- No, no, no. I'm happy here.
Good pay, love the work.
I--I don't think
I'd ever leave.
Although I could
for the right opportunity.
But you know, it'd have
to make sense financially.
But you know,
if the money is good.
I could take a haircut
if I had to.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I was trying
to get rid of you.
It's not that I don't like you.
It's just hard enough
being taken seriously
as a young female executive
without a guy
you had a fling with
sitting ten feet away
and people making jokes
that we should drill gloryholes
in the wall.
- I'm so sorry about that.
- It's not your fault.
Anyway, that is the only reason
that I said
you didn't deserve to be here,
and it's not true.
- Just because it's the reason
you said it,
doesn't mean it's not true.
- ♪ Y'all ready for this?
[air horn blares]
- Yeah! Come on.
We're feeling it, right?
Oh! Okay.
- What is this?
What's happening?
- Uh-oh.
[air horn blares]
It looks like we're gonna
turn the fun dial up to 11.
Please give it up for the woman
who puts the "Kat"
in catastrophe.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- The one, the only
Katherine Hastings!
- I don't--I'm--I don't wanna.
- Come on, Payne!
Show her some love. Let's go.
- Oh.
- Come on.
Don't worry.
I got 'em all warmed up.
You just gotta hit it home.
- Okay, wow. Wow.
Uh, hello, I hope everyone
is having a great day.
You know, here at Payne,
we have a great group of folks.
Yeah, and, um, and I think
our best days are ahead.
I do.
[scattered applause]
Yes, we should be excited.
That's right
because who are we?
Then you guys say Payne.
Then you guys say Payne.
So I say--I say who are we?
And you guys know go--
all:
Payne!
- Right!
I said, who are we?
all: Payne!
[air horn blares]
- But you know, a business is
only as good as its employees.
So to those among us
who do not feel that love,
do not feel that pride,
I say find
somewhere else to work.
If you're not gung-ho
about working here,
hey, I will find
someone else who is.
Hassan Carr, Claire Hartley,
Rob Berg, Jintao Kang,
please pack your things and go.
Now who are we?
all: Payne!
- That's right! Who! Are! We?
all:
Payne!
- Yes!
[cheers and applause]
[air horn blares]
- Hi.
That was quite the speech.
Kind of went the Saddam route,
huh?
- He was in power for 25 years,
must have been doing
something right.
[chuckles]
I think I'm in trouble.
I think the board
might want me out.
- Oh.
Do you want to talk about it?
- No, it's late. You go home.
I need some time
to think anyway.
- Okay, night.
- That's a lot of penises.
- Yeah.
Adds something
to the place, huh?
- Yeah. Adds penises.
- Hmm.
- Well, don't stay too late.
Have a good night.
- Night.
Hi, Peyton.
This is Jack Fordham.
Sadie Ryan sent you
an email about me.
I want to say the next time
that there's an opening
in the training program,
definitely interested.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks.