American Auto (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
I've removed features,
tweaked designs,
betrayed every creative bone
in my body.
I cannot get the cost
down anymore.
We are so close to making
this car profitable.
What have you missed?
Guys, what did Cyrus miss? Go.
I've pushed every
safety regulation
to the absolute limit,
and frankly, revealed the need
for quite a few more.
Ooh, barely legal.
My kinda ride.
- That's gross.
- It's a character.
Like,
"Imagine I really said that?"
You did just say that.
Can we just hide the last
few dollars in some sort of fee
and give it, like, an obscure
name people won't question?
The dealers are not gonna
like that, okay?
It's basically
their entire business model.
What about if we use
less paint?
- We're at the minimum.
- I might have something.
Great. Lay it on us.
"Out of the mouth of babes,"
or something, something.
It's probably nothing.
But when I was on
the transmission line
for the Hydra,
we had to shelve
100,000 locking pawls
'cause they weren't rated
for the weight of an SUV.
But the Pika's so light.
Why couldn't we just use
those pawls now?
Cyrus? Nerd it.
Do your nerd thing.
I mean,
I see how you got there.
That is cute, you know.
It's a really cute idea.
both: And?
And it might, might,
I'm saying might theoretically,
also technically, work.
- We're in the black, baby.
- Haha!
Jack saved the car!
[all cheering]
Yep, he came in and found
the last bit of savings
after my months of--
It's crazy that
the handsomest guy
in the office
is also the smartest.
Well, no, no, no, no.
Looks are subjective,
so you can't really--
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus.
all: Jack, Jack,
Jack, Jack. Jack.
Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus.
all: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Cyrus, Cy--
♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
To Jack, who stepped up
and knocked one
right out of the park.
Yep, right after I loaded up
the first 2,600 bases,
Jack just came in and just--
Oh, we should celebrate
tonight.
There's this new place
you can go to
where you get wasted
and then throw an axe.
- Is it the woods?
- No, I think it's Chop Stop.
I actually can't
make it tonight.
- Chop Shop maybe.
- Oh, why not?
You're the hero of the day.
I just have concert tickets,
that's all.
Plans with your real friends.
We get it. We get it.
No, no, no, no.
Sounds like somebody
got a date.
Oh, busted.
Who is she?
- No, no, it's just--
Does she work here?
Yeah, c'mon, Jacky,
stop being a coy boy.
- Eww.
- Ugh.
It's just that lady
I sat next to
in the commercial, the actress.
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah. She was cute.
She seemed nice. Yeah.
Uh-oh. Hands off Sadie's man.
What? I said she seemed nice.
Overcompensating much?
We were all saying stuff.
Yeah, making excuses much?
[chuckles]
I love the much thing.
Well, I might as well
celebrate a little more now.
Dori, could you get
the good bottles?
- Yep, the good bottles--
- The champagne.
The ones that I put
on your desk last week.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Little treat for when
we got the car down to cost.
Or to, you know,
drown myself with if we didn't.
[all chuckle]
- Yeah.
Is Cyrus in here?
Am I the thing finder today?
Yes, Robin, I'm here.
Hey.
We checked on that inventory
you asked for and...
[whistles, clicks tongue]
Mm.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
There's gotta be some
champagne in here somewhere.
So you just drank
all of Catherine's
fancy high-end champagne
on your own?
Well, she put it on my desk
and said, "Here you go."
I thought it was a gift.
I was popping bottles
at the Lakers in 2002.
Does anybody here
have any champagne?
Does it have to be champagne,
or is sparkling wine okay?
Whoo! My girl.
No, sparkling wine is great.
How many bottles do you have?
Oh, I don't drink.
Just clarifying.
That's a great question,
Janine.
Sometimes inventory's off
by a few dozen units.
But this time?
80,000.
Crazy, right?
That's so many.
Yeah, but it says
they're in the system.
It says we have 100,000 pawls.
Is it possible
they were stolen or...
Yeah, they probably had
a whole crew.
Demolitions expert,
little guy in a box.
[chuckles]
Maybe we put 'em
in the Hydra after all.
Uh-oh.
Dun, dun, dun!
[laughs]
That would be bad.
[laughs]
Oh.
Eatin' your feelings, huh?
Been there.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Captain Obvious to Sadie.
You're jealous of Jack's date.
Not how Captain Obvious works.
Also, not true.
Hey, look, look,
all the science says
when you're holding back
feelings, you get cancer.
And we all get it eventually,
but sooner.
I prefer that to this.
Just pretend I'm Jack, okay?
Say whatever you wanna
get off your chest.
- Not gonna do that.
- Yo, what's up, girl?
Wow.
Oh, damn,
you're looking fine as hell.
Very much no, sir.
Gotta huddle up.
Yo, we gotta huddle up, girl.
That is spot-on.
Now, this is what I call
turning chardonnay
into chardon-yay.
[chuckles]
Right.
[machine rattling]
Oh!
You're not supposed to put
white wine in the soda machine.
Janine, baby, I swear to God.
So there's a chance
that there may or may not be
up to 80,000 cars
out there
whose weight exceeds
the maximum capacity
of their locking pawls.
Gleep-glop-gloop-gloop.
Cars.
That's what that all
sounded like to me.
Well, the pawl's the pin
that keeps cars in park.
If they break,
cars can roll out of park.
Whatever--it sounds bad
but it's not, like, a disaster.
It is when the place it rolls
is downhill over a bunch of
other people and stuff.
Ah, okay, well, that kinda
gives me disaster vibes.
What do we do in a situation
like this?
Well, legally speaking,
we need to inform NHTSA
and then
issue a very expensive recall--
with the emphasis
on very and also expensive.
If this happened,
wouldn't we be hearing
that people's cars
are rolling out of park?
I think someone
would complain.
People love bitching
about stuff.
So what are you doing?
Oh, looking to see if anyone's
had issues with Hydras
rolling out of park.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- What are you doing?
No.
So, look, the problem is,
right, you know,
if there is a problem,
then obviously
we are legally obligated
to take some very big,
very impactful actions.
So if we don't want to take
those actions, then, well,
it would probably best serve us
if we didn't know about
the problem in the first place.
Do you understand?
We shouldn't Google it
because we wanna be able
to claim deniability
in the event
that we decide to engage
in a massive cover-up.
Give the lady a prize.
Hey, c'mon,
is this your first rodeo?
Pop open a private browser,
go to town.
Private browser?
Those only exist to make
cheating husbands sleep better.
There's still a record
of everything.
What?
That's not true, right?
Okay, guys, we are officially
in crisis mode.
No one leaves until we figure
out what we're gonna do.
Or not do.
Let's not forget
our good friend, not do.
He's served many corporations
faithfully over the years.
Sorry, Jack, you're gonna
have to cancel your date.
That must make you happy.
- Why would I be ha--
- Wait.
Is looking at hacked celeb nudes
legal or illegal?
- Legal.
- But disgusting.
Oh, thank God.
New lease on life, guys.
Not gonna lie.
I was very concerned.
All right. Here we go.
I thought I'd let it breathe
a little bit.
W-w-what is that?
It's the champagne.
Not really in the mood
to celebrate, Dori.
We're kind of in the middle
of a crisis here.
Some of our cars
might be defective.
We're just debating
whether or not to engage
in a massive cover-up--
don't tell anyone.
Wait, we have a customer
complaint department, right?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Okay, great.
Dori, go check the locks.
See if anyone has reported
a Hydra rolling out of park--
maiming, killing, squishing,
anything like that.
But do please
be subtle about it.
Yeah, again,
'cause of the cover-up.
- We're not calling it that.
- Okay.
Well,
if these taste weird later,
that's on y'all
'cause y'all waited.
Okay,
so we keep talking about
how expensive
this recall will be, right?
But it's a $40 part.
So takes about a hour or so
to replace.
That's 100 bucks worth of labor.
80,000 times 140, you're
talking about $11.2 million.
I mean,
it's not cheap at all, but--
Are you kidding?
That's nothing.
That's, like,
the cost of a house.
- Whose house?
- A lot of people.
- What?
- You're not wrong.
I mean, for a company our size,
that is not a lot of money.
Except you can't tell
a good pawl from the bad one
just by looking at them.
So we would have to recall
every Hydra sold since 2018.
That's a million cars.
And the lawsuits, obviously.
I mean, even if the pawls
aren't defective,
the minute this is announced,
you're gonna start seeing
commercials being like,
"Oh, were you injured
in an accident in your car?
"Well, it's not your fault
for being a crap driver.
It's all Payne Motors' fault.
Why don't you sue them?"
And adding the cost
of a recall campaign
and dealers overcharging
for repairs,
all in, it could be,
like, ten figures.
The whole company
is only worth 11 figures.
We'd be left with one.
Oh, that's not
how math works.
Yeah, but it's big.
It's a big hit.
To fix something
that might not be broken.
But now let's think about
the cost of not doing a recall.
Wouldn't that be
zero dollars?
Many millions versus zero.
Let me rephrase that.
Let's think about the cost
of not doing a recall,
and then learning that
we had put the wrong pawls in
and a bunch of people died.
Yeah, I gotta agree
with Sadie here.
How do we actually
put a price on people dying?
Oh, well, we don't have to.
The lovely people of the
Department of Transportation
have actually done that
for us already.
Really?
So the value
of a statistical life
or VSL for this year
is 11.6 million US dollars.
But isn't a person's life
kinda priceless?
- No, it's $11.6 million.
- Right.
I mean, most of these
complaints are from real nuts.
"My car has too many buttons."
"The headlights look angry."
"The seatbelt cut my neck."
Oh, I'm actually--I'm gonna--
I'm gonna note that one.
That's pretty bad.
- Yeah, you should.
Could you check for,
I don't know,
parking and rolling?
[softly]
Parking...
Here we go. Here we go.
"The car gets too windy
when I roll down the window."
So there's roll.
Uh-huh. That's great.
Could you check
for death or dying, please?
- What?
- Death. Just, just...
It's just a bunch
of random B.S.
"The seats attract dog hair."
"The car smells like farts."
Oh, here we have some folks
who say
that there's a ghost
in the car.
So that's kinda, like,
death-related.
Ghosts.
I know, I know.
These people are crazy.
But just in case,
are we talking the,
"Boo, I'm gonna scare you"
ghost?
Or do they have
unfinished business?
- I don't know.
- How do we know?
They didn't say.
Guys, this is about
more than just people dying.
There's the cost of litigation,
punitive damages,
and the hit that our brand
would take?
It's gonna cost way more
than the price of a recall.
If we install
the defective pawls.
For all we know,
we just lost them.
Okay, I've checked
every complaint about the Hydra
since 2018,
and not one mention of it
rolling out of park.
- Great.
- That is great. That's great.
So that's it.
Crisis averted.
Uh, well, you know,
if there were complaints,
that would mean
that there were faulty pawls,
but no complaints just means
no one's complained.
Yes, the absence of evidence
is not the evidence of absence.
Oh, shut up.
Great. So this basically
tells us nothing.
Well, what do you want me
to do with it?
I don't know.
File it? Burn it?
I have four brain cells
available.
Do they really need
to be on this?
All right, I guess
we'll let the numbers decide.
Cyrus, are you done yet?
- Mm, it's rough.
But if we do the recall,
it'll cost us around
$900 million.
And then
if we don't do the recall,
my best guess of the total cost
of lawsuits and what not
comes out to somewhere
in the neighborhood of,
yep, $900 million.
[all groan. sigh]
So yeah, those are the numbers.
[downtrodden music]
♪
It's so crazy.
If Jack hadn't come up
with that idea about the pawls,
none of us would even be here.
You mentioned that
an hour ago.
Yeah, couple times, actually.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
I'm tired.
Imagine if someone you know
was driving one of these cars.
Would you really be okay just
rolling the dice like that?
You can't let these sorts
of things become personal.
All right?
As it happens,
my mother, okay, whom I love,
drives a Hydra.
You know, okay,
admittedly it's a UK model,
so the pawl issue
doesn't really apply here.
Actually, these pawls
would be in the UK model.
We ship them from our factory.
Hm. Uh-huh.
Oh, okay.
Well, yeah. Well, no.
Well--well, there you go.
Exactly, that's my point.
So, you know,
we have to stay analytical.
All right?
We can't, you know,
go around imagining a pile
of dead mummies--dead bodies.
That--that doesn't help us
at all.
So Elliot is against
the recall.
Jack is for it.
Cyrus, what about you?
Mm, it's hard.
You know,
I'm of two minds on this.
Cool.
Thank you for that, Socrates.
Sadie?
Oh, I think we need to do it.
Are you sure you're not
just siding with Jack
'cause you like him?
'Cause he's taken,
so you gotta move on.
- Not cool, dude.
- I'm siding with Jack
because it is the side
of decent human beings.
I'm sorry that I'm not
some sort of British robot.
I wish I was a robot, okay?
I wish.
Mm, C-Creepy-O.
That would be your name.
- I hate that that's good.
- You're so pious.
I hope you hurt yourself when
you fall off your high horse.
Wow!
Not like
Christopher Reeve-level,
but something
bloody uncomfortable.
That is too soon.
That is Superman.
And in this country?
In America?
- Can I--guys--
- I'm on a high horse
because I don't wanna
murder our customers?
[overlapping arguing]
- It is manslaughter at best.
Guys, just stop.
Stop, stop.
How is this helping?
Oh, here comes the hero again.
"Um, um, hey, hey,
I-I-I may have something."
Well, here it is, Jack.
Here it is.
Jack. Jack.
Oh, not now?
Jack. Jack.
None of y'all said Cyrus.
Okay, everybody,
I think we should take five.
I'm shaking right now.
Superman?
- Five!
Superman?
[bleep] your queen, man.
How you feeling about Jack
and his little actress?
It's fine.
Okay, well, if you ever
need to talk, I'm here.
Me, I can't hold stuff in,
sometimes I just have to vent.
Okay, sometimes, it's like--
First it's,
"Go find champagne, Dori..."
- Mm.
- In the middle of a work day.
But do I push back?
[chuckles]
No.
But do I make it happen?
- Yeah.
- Yes, every time.
Mm-hmm.
And then
I'm on a busy work errand
with some rando freaking me out
about ghosts,
and you know
I don't play with demons.
Mm-mm.
And is it appreciated?
Matter of fact,
is anything I do at this
damn company appreciated?
Yeah. No.
- Exactly. No.
- Mom. No.
No, I do understand
it's late.
It's just--it's very--
it's very important
that you--it's very important
that you--and you gotta
get rid of the Hydra.
Okay?
Because--
because I am going to buy you...
[trumpets, laughs]
A brand new car.
Yes, special surprise
for the birthday girl.
Well, I know
it's done until July.
But it's, you know, you're gonna
have another one, aren't you?
So it's just--
it's just ahead of time.
Claire?
No, no, no.
No, you can't give the Hydra
to Claire.
That's the whole point
is to--yeah, yeah.
No, no, I under--
one second.
- Oh.
- "Oh, no.
Busted. I'm trying to quit,"
etcetera.
You vape?
Only when I'm stressed out.
Used to be cigarettes.
And then one day I confiscated
this from my stepdaughter.
And now everyone knows
if I come home
smelling like blue raspberry,
stay away.
All right.
I get it.
"Heavy is the head," right?
Mm-hmm.
It makes me glad
I turned down the job.
Okay, truth bomb.
They technically
never offered it to me.
- Mm.
- It's insane.
I know it's insane.
But I guess they kinda knew
what they were doing.
Sure.
You know, in some ways,
you're the only person here
who really gets
what I'm going through.
They're all hired hands.
I mean, you and I,
we have skin in the game.
Yeah, I guess,
connected in that way.
We are.
Yeah, we are.
[sighs]
Fate is pretty weird, huh?
Mm-hmm.
You need any?
Oh, no, I'm good.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
No, no.
- Oh, oh.
Not where this was going!
- Okay.
- No! Ew.
All right.
Don't say...
- Not even close.
Ew.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Am I interrupting something?
No, no, no, no.
Just standing right here.
- Being weird?
- No. Texting.
The actress girl person.
Do not apologize.
You are allowed to date
actress girl people.
I know. I know.
I'm sorry.
I just don't know why
it's so weird.
Because people here
keep making it weird.
Yes.
We're adults.
I think that I can manage
to work with a guy
I had sex with
without picturing him naked
all the time.
And here I was thinking
you actually were picturing me
naked the whole time.
Figured that's why
you always look so impressed.
I just have impressed
resting face.
- [chuckles]
- But I'm picturing it now
just 'cause
we're talking about it.
Yeah, and I'm a little bit
self-conscious now.
I think we should just
put the past in the past
and stop acting like
awkward teenagers.
- Yes, we got a deal.
- Oh, great.
Cool penis, by the way.
I just wanted
to make nice things.
Didn't even have to be cars.
Now the thing I made could be
responsible for killing people?
It's a real mind [bleep].
I worked in pharma
for 20 years.
Probably killed
a lot of people.
You get used to it.
I've never killed a person,
but I once went
on a trophy-hunting trip
for exotic mammals.
I didn't want to,
but it's my tenth birthday,
it's a family tradition.
You know,
it's not even hunting.
They just--they line up
the animals and you...
[grunts]
It's horrible stuff.
Yeah, so when Mum offers you
the Hydra,
you have to reject it.
Well, because
you're an adult woman.
You shouldn't be sponging off
your 70-year-old mother.
No, no, this is not--no.
Okay, you're not a victim.
I'm not--I'm not a bully.
Would a bully be offering
to buy you a brand-new car?
No, well, it was--
it was a surprise.
Yeah. Liam?
What, he doesn't have
a car of his own?
Well, how do you manage to find
the only man in Somerset
that doesn't own his own car?
Although, actually,
now I come to think of it,
it could work rather well.
Yeah. Okay. Yes. Great.
The Hydra is Liam's car.
They were completely
messed up.
Like, I--they were crooked
and I had a snaggletooth.
Mine, they just,
they just grew in like this.
I actually hate you
right now.
- [laughs]
- I had headgear in high school.
Oh, I am so sorry.
That sounds so bad.
It was bad.
What band were you seeing
on your hot date?
Just this tribute band.
It was the late,
great Charles Bradley.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
So great. And so late.
And you've never
heard of him?
I've never. I'm not cool.
But, you know, on the plus side,
I never claimed to be.
So paradoxically,
that kinda makes me even cooler.
Yeah, and it also means that
there is room for improvement.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
So take a listen.
Think you'll like it.
[soulful rock music
playing on phone]
♪ I'm a victim
♪
♪ Of loving you
♪
♪ I'm a victim
♪ Of wanting you
♪
You know, it's weird.
When you think about
greedy corporations
screwing people over
for profit, you imagine,
like, old white guys
stroking black cats
in secret underground bunkers,
not, I don't know,
eating stale Wheat Squares
at 3:00 a.m. on a Wednesday.
Just wanna say.
You know,
I'm not motivated by greed.
All right?
I'm just following the logic.
It's not like
I get paid all the money
that's left over in the end,
you know what I mean?
I mean, what is money anyway?
You know, it's just an idea
that people came up with
so we don't have to carry
chickens around in our pockets.
- Is that true?
- Yeah.
I mean, I heard it
on a podcast.
Yeah.
I mean, the truth is,
I don't actually care
that much about money.
I mean, what makes me
feel alive is experiences.
all: [murmur in agreement]
Watching a simple
beautiful sunset, you know.
Maybe over the ocean, you know,
so it's West Coast.
Soaking in a hot tub
up on a cliff,
you know,
at some luxury resort.
That sounds expensive.
Have you ever been
to the Post Ranch Inn?
That is exactly
what I was just picturing.
- So expensive but so worth it.
- Top tip.
If you book using
your platinum card,
they give you checkout
4:00 p.m.
- Really?
- Yeah, like, a whole extra day.
Is that the place with
the fresh-baked cookies
in your room...
- Yes.
And then if you run out,
they bring you more?
Yes, yes, yes.
Service is just--
I mean, they're all locals,
but they're respectful.
- They are.
- Yeah.
[vacuum whirring]
[quirky music]
♪
[snoring]
Look, I hate to be this guy,
but it's 3:45,
so we need to make a decision
on what we're gonna do.
- Or not do.
- Or not do.
Okay, you're right.
Yep, we gotta stop
pussyfooting around here,
and we just need to make
a decision already.
Should we just
all take a vote?
No, no, it's on me.
I'm the one in charge.
I'm the one who's responsible.
Who's got a coin?
This could be
a life or death situation.
You wanna base it
on a coin flip?
Yeah, exciting, right?
It's, like, a metaphor
for fate or something.
I don't--I'm exhausted.
C'mon, somebody coin me,
please.
I only have hundreds.
Maybe a $50.
I got a Tum.
Can we flip a Tum?
Forget about the coin.
I'm just gonna make a call,
and that's it, okay?
So--okay?
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Recall?
No re--recall?
The decision is...
♪
So we'll gather up and make the
call first thing in the morning
when we're fresh, you know?
Fresh eyes.
- I agree.
I just don't wanna
put it off, though.
It is important.
- It is, it's so important.
You want me to schedule
a meeting for 9:00?
Um, no, we should sleep in.
And then we've got
that dealer call at 11:00.
We'll figure out
something like that.
We've gone years without
doing anything about this.
What's another couple of days,
right?
Couple of days? You said
we'd do it tomorrow, though.
So tomorrow where--
So did we just decide
not to do the recall?
No, I think we decided
not to decide
whether to do the recall.
Ah.
It's a great idea though,
the Pika.
Thanks.
I might hold off a little
before suggesting anything
in the future.
Yeah, just until
you get your feet wet.
- Yeah.
- Hold off, you'll learn.
tweaked designs,
betrayed every creative bone
in my body.
I cannot get the cost
down anymore.
We are so close to making
this car profitable.
What have you missed?
Guys, what did Cyrus miss? Go.
I've pushed every
safety regulation
to the absolute limit,
and frankly, revealed the need
for quite a few more.
Ooh, barely legal.
My kinda ride.
- That's gross.
- It's a character.
Like,
"Imagine I really said that?"
You did just say that.
Can we just hide the last
few dollars in some sort of fee
and give it, like, an obscure
name people won't question?
The dealers are not gonna
like that, okay?
It's basically
their entire business model.
What about if we use
less paint?
- We're at the minimum.
- I might have something.
Great. Lay it on us.
"Out of the mouth of babes,"
or something, something.
It's probably nothing.
But when I was on
the transmission line
for the Hydra,
we had to shelve
100,000 locking pawls
'cause they weren't rated
for the weight of an SUV.
But the Pika's so light.
Why couldn't we just use
those pawls now?
Cyrus? Nerd it.
Do your nerd thing.
I mean,
I see how you got there.
That is cute, you know.
It's a really cute idea.
both: And?
And it might, might,
I'm saying might theoretically,
also technically, work.
- We're in the black, baby.
- Haha!
Jack saved the car!
[all cheering]
Yep, he came in and found
the last bit of savings
after my months of--
It's crazy that
the handsomest guy
in the office
is also the smartest.
Well, no, no, no, no.
Looks are subjective,
so you can't really--
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus.
all: Jack, Jack,
Jack, Jack. Jack.
Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus.
all: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Cyrus, Cy--
♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
To Jack, who stepped up
and knocked one
right out of the park.
Yep, right after I loaded up
the first 2,600 bases,
Jack just came in and just--
Oh, we should celebrate
tonight.
There's this new place
you can go to
where you get wasted
and then throw an axe.
- Is it the woods?
- No, I think it's Chop Stop.
I actually can't
make it tonight.
- Chop Shop maybe.
- Oh, why not?
You're the hero of the day.
I just have concert tickets,
that's all.
Plans with your real friends.
We get it. We get it.
No, no, no, no.
Sounds like somebody
got a date.
Oh, busted.
Who is she?
- No, no, it's just--
Does she work here?
Yeah, c'mon, Jacky,
stop being a coy boy.
- Eww.
- Ugh.
It's just that lady
I sat next to
in the commercial, the actress.
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah. She was cute.
She seemed nice. Yeah.
Uh-oh. Hands off Sadie's man.
What? I said she seemed nice.
Overcompensating much?
We were all saying stuff.
Yeah, making excuses much?
[chuckles]
I love the much thing.
Well, I might as well
celebrate a little more now.
Dori, could you get
the good bottles?
- Yep, the good bottles--
- The champagne.
The ones that I put
on your desk last week.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Little treat for when
we got the car down to cost.
Or to, you know,
drown myself with if we didn't.
[all chuckle]
- Yeah.
Is Cyrus in here?
Am I the thing finder today?
Yes, Robin, I'm here.
Hey.
We checked on that inventory
you asked for and...
[whistles, clicks tongue]
Mm.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
There's gotta be some
champagne in here somewhere.
So you just drank
all of Catherine's
fancy high-end champagne
on your own?
Well, she put it on my desk
and said, "Here you go."
I thought it was a gift.
I was popping bottles
at the Lakers in 2002.
Does anybody here
have any champagne?
Does it have to be champagne,
or is sparkling wine okay?
Whoo! My girl.
No, sparkling wine is great.
How many bottles do you have?
Oh, I don't drink.
Just clarifying.
That's a great question,
Janine.
Sometimes inventory's off
by a few dozen units.
But this time?
80,000.
Crazy, right?
That's so many.
Yeah, but it says
they're in the system.
It says we have 100,000 pawls.
Is it possible
they were stolen or...
Yeah, they probably had
a whole crew.
Demolitions expert,
little guy in a box.
[chuckles]
Maybe we put 'em
in the Hydra after all.
Uh-oh.
Dun, dun, dun!
[laughs]
That would be bad.
[laughs]
Oh.
Eatin' your feelings, huh?
Been there.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Captain Obvious to Sadie.
You're jealous of Jack's date.
Not how Captain Obvious works.
Also, not true.
Hey, look, look,
all the science says
when you're holding back
feelings, you get cancer.
And we all get it eventually,
but sooner.
I prefer that to this.
Just pretend I'm Jack, okay?
Say whatever you wanna
get off your chest.
- Not gonna do that.
- Yo, what's up, girl?
Wow.
Oh, damn,
you're looking fine as hell.
Very much no, sir.
Gotta huddle up.
Yo, we gotta huddle up, girl.
That is spot-on.
Now, this is what I call
turning chardonnay
into chardon-yay.
[chuckles]
Right.
[machine rattling]
Oh!
You're not supposed to put
white wine in the soda machine.
Janine, baby, I swear to God.
So there's a chance
that there may or may not be
up to 80,000 cars
out there
whose weight exceeds
the maximum capacity
of their locking pawls.
Gleep-glop-gloop-gloop.
Cars.
That's what that all
sounded like to me.
Well, the pawl's the pin
that keeps cars in park.
If they break,
cars can roll out of park.
Whatever--it sounds bad
but it's not, like, a disaster.
It is when the place it rolls
is downhill over a bunch of
other people and stuff.
Ah, okay, well, that kinda
gives me disaster vibes.
What do we do in a situation
like this?
Well, legally speaking,
we need to inform NHTSA
and then
issue a very expensive recall--
with the emphasis
on very and also expensive.
If this happened,
wouldn't we be hearing
that people's cars
are rolling out of park?
I think someone
would complain.
People love bitching
about stuff.
So what are you doing?
Oh, looking to see if anyone's
had issues with Hydras
rolling out of park.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- What are you doing?
No.
So, look, the problem is,
right, you know,
if there is a problem,
then obviously
we are legally obligated
to take some very big,
very impactful actions.
So if we don't want to take
those actions, then, well,
it would probably best serve us
if we didn't know about
the problem in the first place.
Do you understand?
We shouldn't Google it
because we wanna be able
to claim deniability
in the event
that we decide to engage
in a massive cover-up.
Give the lady a prize.
Hey, c'mon,
is this your first rodeo?
Pop open a private browser,
go to town.
Private browser?
Those only exist to make
cheating husbands sleep better.
There's still a record
of everything.
What?
That's not true, right?
Okay, guys, we are officially
in crisis mode.
No one leaves until we figure
out what we're gonna do.
Or not do.
Let's not forget
our good friend, not do.
He's served many corporations
faithfully over the years.
Sorry, Jack, you're gonna
have to cancel your date.
That must make you happy.
- Why would I be ha--
- Wait.
Is looking at hacked celeb nudes
legal or illegal?
- Legal.
- But disgusting.
Oh, thank God.
New lease on life, guys.
Not gonna lie.
I was very concerned.
All right. Here we go.
I thought I'd let it breathe
a little bit.
W-w-what is that?
It's the champagne.
Not really in the mood
to celebrate, Dori.
We're kind of in the middle
of a crisis here.
Some of our cars
might be defective.
We're just debating
whether or not to engage
in a massive cover-up--
don't tell anyone.
Wait, we have a customer
complaint department, right?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Okay, great.
Dori, go check the locks.
See if anyone has reported
a Hydra rolling out of park--
maiming, killing, squishing,
anything like that.
But do please
be subtle about it.
Yeah, again,
'cause of the cover-up.
- We're not calling it that.
- Okay.
Well,
if these taste weird later,
that's on y'all
'cause y'all waited.
Okay,
so we keep talking about
how expensive
this recall will be, right?
But it's a $40 part.
So takes about a hour or so
to replace.
That's 100 bucks worth of labor.
80,000 times 140, you're
talking about $11.2 million.
I mean,
it's not cheap at all, but--
Are you kidding?
That's nothing.
That's, like,
the cost of a house.
- Whose house?
- A lot of people.
- What?
- You're not wrong.
I mean, for a company our size,
that is not a lot of money.
Except you can't tell
a good pawl from the bad one
just by looking at them.
So we would have to recall
every Hydra sold since 2018.
That's a million cars.
And the lawsuits, obviously.
I mean, even if the pawls
aren't defective,
the minute this is announced,
you're gonna start seeing
commercials being like,
"Oh, were you injured
in an accident in your car?
"Well, it's not your fault
for being a crap driver.
It's all Payne Motors' fault.
Why don't you sue them?"
And adding the cost
of a recall campaign
and dealers overcharging
for repairs,
all in, it could be,
like, ten figures.
The whole company
is only worth 11 figures.
We'd be left with one.
Oh, that's not
how math works.
Yeah, but it's big.
It's a big hit.
To fix something
that might not be broken.
But now let's think about
the cost of not doing a recall.
Wouldn't that be
zero dollars?
Many millions versus zero.
Let me rephrase that.
Let's think about the cost
of not doing a recall,
and then learning that
we had put the wrong pawls in
and a bunch of people died.
Yeah, I gotta agree
with Sadie here.
How do we actually
put a price on people dying?
Oh, well, we don't have to.
The lovely people of the
Department of Transportation
have actually done that
for us already.
Really?
So the value
of a statistical life
or VSL for this year
is 11.6 million US dollars.
But isn't a person's life
kinda priceless?
- No, it's $11.6 million.
- Right.
I mean, most of these
complaints are from real nuts.
"My car has too many buttons."
"The headlights look angry."
"The seatbelt cut my neck."
Oh, I'm actually--I'm gonna--
I'm gonna note that one.
That's pretty bad.
- Yeah, you should.
Could you check for,
I don't know,
parking and rolling?
[softly]
Parking...
Here we go. Here we go.
"The car gets too windy
when I roll down the window."
So there's roll.
Uh-huh. That's great.
Could you check
for death or dying, please?
- What?
- Death. Just, just...
It's just a bunch
of random B.S.
"The seats attract dog hair."
"The car smells like farts."
Oh, here we have some folks
who say
that there's a ghost
in the car.
So that's kinda, like,
death-related.
Ghosts.
I know, I know.
These people are crazy.
But just in case,
are we talking the,
"Boo, I'm gonna scare you"
ghost?
Or do they have
unfinished business?
- I don't know.
- How do we know?
They didn't say.
Guys, this is about
more than just people dying.
There's the cost of litigation,
punitive damages,
and the hit that our brand
would take?
It's gonna cost way more
than the price of a recall.
If we install
the defective pawls.
For all we know,
we just lost them.
Okay, I've checked
every complaint about the Hydra
since 2018,
and not one mention of it
rolling out of park.
- Great.
- That is great. That's great.
So that's it.
Crisis averted.
Uh, well, you know,
if there were complaints,
that would mean
that there were faulty pawls,
but no complaints just means
no one's complained.
Yes, the absence of evidence
is not the evidence of absence.
Oh, shut up.
Great. So this basically
tells us nothing.
Well, what do you want me
to do with it?
I don't know.
File it? Burn it?
I have four brain cells
available.
Do they really need
to be on this?
All right, I guess
we'll let the numbers decide.
Cyrus, are you done yet?
- Mm, it's rough.
But if we do the recall,
it'll cost us around
$900 million.
And then
if we don't do the recall,
my best guess of the total cost
of lawsuits and what not
comes out to somewhere
in the neighborhood of,
yep, $900 million.
[all groan. sigh]
So yeah, those are the numbers.
[downtrodden music]
♪
It's so crazy.
If Jack hadn't come up
with that idea about the pawls,
none of us would even be here.
You mentioned that
an hour ago.
Yeah, couple times, actually.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
I'm tired.
Imagine if someone you know
was driving one of these cars.
Would you really be okay just
rolling the dice like that?
You can't let these sorts
of things become personal.
All right?
As it happens,
my mother, okay, whom I love,
drives a Hydra.
You know, okay,
admittedly it's a UK model,
so the pawl issue
doesn't really apply here.
Actually, these pawls
would be in the UK model.
We ship them from our factory.
Hm. Uh-huh.
Oh, okay.
Well, yeah. Well, no.
Well--well, there you go.
Exactly, that's my point.
So, you know,
we have to stay analytical.
All right?
We can't, you know,
go around imagining a pile
of dead mummies--dead bodies.
That--that doesn't help us
at all.
So Elliot is against
the recall.
Jack is for it.
Cyrus, what about you?
Mm, it's hard.
You know,
I'm of two minds on this.
Cool.
Thank you for that, Socrates.
Sadie?
Oh, I think we need to do it.
Are you sure you're not
just siding with Jack
'cause you like him?
'Cause he's taken,
so you gotta move on.
- Not cool, dude.
- I'm siding with Jack
because it is the side
of decent human beings.
I'm sorry that I'm not
some sort of British robot.
I wish I was a robot, okay?
I wish.
Mm, C-Creepy-O.
That would be your name.
- I hate that that's good.
- You're so pious.
I hope you hurt yourself when
you fall off your high horse.
Wow!
Not like
Christopher Reeve-level,
but something
bloody uncomfortable.
That is too soon.
That is Superman.
And in this country?
In America?
- Can I--guys--
- I'm on a high horse
because I don't wanna
murder our customers?
[overlapping arguing]
- It is manslaughter at best.
Guys, just stop.
Stop, stop.
How is this helping?
Oh, here comes the hero again.
"Um, um, hey, hey,
I-I-I may have something."
Well, here it is, Jack.
Here it is.
Jack. Jack.
Oh, not now?
Jack. Jack.
None of y'all said Cyrus.
Okay, everybody,
I think we should take five.
I'm shaking right now.
Superman?
- Five!
Superman?
[bleep] your queen, man.
How you feeling about Jack
and his little actress?
It's fine.
Okay, well, if you ever
need to talk, I'm here.
Me, I can't hold stuff in,
sometimes I just have to vent.
Okay, sometimes, it's like--
First it's,
"Go find champagne, Dori..."
- Mm.
- In the middle of a work day.
But do I push back?
[chuckles]
No.
But do I make it happen?
- Yeah.
- Yes, every time.
Mm-hmm.
And then
I'm on a busy work errand
with some rando freaking me out
about ghosts,
and you know
I don't play with demons.
Mm-mm.
And is it appreciated?
Matter of fact,
is anything I do at this
damn company appreciated?
Yeah. No.
- Exactly. No.
- Mom. No.
No, I do understand
it's late.
It's just--it's very--
it's very important
that you--it's very important
that you--and you gotta
get rid of the Hydra.
Okay?
Because--
because I am going to buy you...
[trumpets, laughs]
A brand new car.
Yes, special surprise
for the birthday girl.
Well, I know
it's done until July.
But it's, you know, you're gonna
have another one, aren't you?
So it's just--
it's just ahead of time.
Claire?
No, no, no.
No, you can't give the Hydra
to Claire.
That's the whole point
is to--yeah, yeah.
No, no, I under--
one second.
- Oh.
- "Oh, no.
Busted. I'm trying to quit,"
etcetera.
You vape?
Only when I'm stressed out.
Used to be cigarettes.
And then one day I confiscated
this from my stepdaughter.
And now everyone knows
if I come home
smelling like blue raspberry,
stay away.
All right.
I get it.
"Heavy is the head," right?
Mm-hmm.
It makes me glad
I turned down the job.
Okay, truth bomb.
They technically
never offered it to me.
- Mm.
- It's insane.
I know it's insane.
But I guess they kinda knew
what they were doing.
Sure.
You know, in some ways,
you're the only person here
who really gets
what I'm going through.
They're all hired hands.
I mean, you and I,
we have skin in the game.
Yeah, I guess,
connected in that way.
We are.
Yeah, we are.
[sighs]
Fate is pretty weird, huh?
Mm-hmm.
You need any?
Oh, no, I'm good.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
No, no.
- Oh, oh.
Not where this was going!
- Okay.
- No! Ew.
All right.
Don't say...
- Not even close.
Ew.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Am I interrupting something?
No, no, no, no.
Just standing right here.
- Being weird?
- No. Texting.
The actress girl person.
Do not apologize.
You are allowed to date
actress girl people.
I know. I know.
I'm sorry.
I just don't know why
it's so weird.
Because people here
keep making it weird.
Yes.
We're adults.
I think that I can manage
to work with a guy
I had sex with
without picturing him naked
all the time.
And here I was thinking
you actually were picturing me
naked the whole time.
Figured that's why
you always look so impressed.
I just have impressed
resting face.
- [chuckles]
- But I'm picturing it now
just 'cause
we're talking about it.
Yeah, and I'm a little bit
self-conscious now.
I think we should just
put the past in the past
and stop acting like
awkward teenagers.
- Yes, we got a deal.
- Oh, great.
Cool penis, by the way.
I just wanted
to make nice things.
Didn't even have to be cars.
Now the thing I made could be
responsible for killing people?
It's a real mind [bleep].
I worked in pharma
for 20 years.
Probably killed
a lot of people.
You get used to it.
I've never killed a person,
but I once went
on a trophy-hunting trip
for exotic mammals.
I didn't want to,
but it's my tenth birthday,
it's a family tradition.
You know,
it's not even hunting.
They just--they line up
the animals and you...
[grunts]
It's horrible stuff.
Yeah, so when Mum offers you
the Hydra,
you have to reject it.
Well, because
you're an adult woman.
You shouldn't be sponging off
your 70-year-old mother.
No, no, this is not--no.
Okay, you're not a victim.
I'm not--I'm not a bully.
Would a bully be offering
to buy you a brand-new car?
No, well, it was--
it was a surprise.
Yeah. Liam?
What, he doesn't have
a car of his own?
Well, how do you manage to find
the only man in Somerset
that doesn't own his own car?
Although, actually,
now I come to think of it,
it could work rather well.
Yeah. Okay. Yes. Great.
The Hydra is Liam's car.
They were completely
messed up.
Like, I--they were crooked
and I had a snaggletooth.
Mine, they just,
they just grew in like this.
I actually hate you
right now.
- [laughs]
- I had headgear in high school.
Oh, I am so sorry.
That sounds so bad.
It was bad.
What band were you seeing
on your hot date?
Just this tribute band.
It was the late,
great Charles Bradley.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
So great. And so late.
And you've never
heard of him?
I've never. I'm not cool.
But, you know, on the plus side,
I never claimed to be.
So paradoxically,
that kinda makes me even cooler.
Yeah, and it also means that
there is room for improvement.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
So take a listen.
Think you'll like it.
[soulful rock music
playing on phone]
♪ I'm a victim
♪
♪ Of loving you
♪
♪ I'm a victim
♪ Of wanting you
♪
You know, it's weird.
When you think about
greedy corporations
screwing people over
for profit, you imagine,
like, old white guys
stroking black cats
in secret underground bunkers,
not, I don't know,
eating stale Wheat Squares
at 3:00 a.m. on a Wednesday.
Just wanna say.
You know,
I'm not motivated by greed.
All right?
I'm just following the logic.
It's not like
I get paid all the money
that's left over in the end,
you know what I mean?
I mean, what is money anyway?
You know, it's just an idea
that people came up with
so we don't have to carry
chickens around in our pockets.
- Is that true?
- Yeah.
I mean, I heard it
on a podcast.
Yeah.
I mean, the truth is,
I don't actually care
that much about money.
I mean, what makes me
feel alive is experiences.
all: [murmur in agreement]
Watching a simple
beautiful sunset, you know.
Maybe over the ocean, you know,
so it's West Coast.
Soaking in a hot tub
up on a cliff,
you know,
at some luxury resort.
That sounds expensive.
Have you ever been
to the Post Ranch Inn?
That is exactly
what I was just picturing.
- So expensive but so worth it.
- Top tip.
If you book using
your platinum card,
they give you checkout
4:00 p.m.
- Really?
- Yeah, like, a whole extra day.
Is that the place with
the fresh-baked cookies
in your room...
- Yes.
And then if you run out,
they bring you more?
Yes, yes, yes.
Service is just--
I mean, they're all locals,
but they're respectful.
- They are.
- Yeah.
[vacuum whirring]
[quirky music]
♪
[snoring]
Look, I hate to be this guy,
but it's 3:45,
so we need to make a decision
on what we're gonna do.
- Or not do.
- Or not do.
Okay, you're right.
Yep, we gotta stop
pussyfooting around here,
and we just need to make
a decision already.
Should we just
all take a vote?
No, no, it's on me.
I'm the one in charge.
I'm the one who's responsible.
Who's got a coin?
This could be
a life or death situation.
You wanna base it
on a coin flip?
Yeah, exciting, right?
It's, like, a metaphor
for fate or something.
I don't--I'm exhausted.
C'mon, somebody coin me,
please.
I only have hundreds.
Maybe a $50.
I got a Tum.
Can we flip a Tum?
Forget about the coin.
I'm just gonna make a call,
and that's it, okay?
So--okay?
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Recall?
No re--recall?
The decision is...
♪
So we'll gather up and make the
call first thing in the morning
when we're fresh, you know?
Fresh eyes.
- I agree.
I just don't wanna
put it off, though.
It is important.
- It is, it's so important.
You want me to schedule
a meeting for 9:00?
Um, no, we should sleep in.
And then we've got
that dealer call at 11:00.
We'll figure out
something like that.
We've gone years without
doing anything about this.
What's another couple of days,
right?
Couple of days? You said
we'd do it tomorrow, though.
So tomorrow where--
So did we just decide
not to do the recall?
No, I think we decided
not to decide
whether to do the recall.
Ah.
It's a great idea though,
the Pika.
Thanks.
I might hold off a little
before suggesting anything
in the future.
Yeah, just until
you get your feet wet.
- Yeah.
- Hold off, you'll learn.