American Auto (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Commercial - full transcript
.
- So on the 15th, you have
an interview with "Autoweek."
And then do you wanna
do anything
on this roller rink thing?
- What roller rink thing?
- A roller rink in the boonies
was doing a families day
and turned away a family
with two moms.
- I mean,
not to sound heartless.
I obviously want gay families
to enjoy roller skating
as much as the rest of us
but what does this
have to do with us?
- Well,
everyone expects companies
to be social advocates
these days.
I mean, I was admonished
by my coffee cup this morning
for not having neutered my dog.
- Actually, I stopped
eating Fritos
after that Balloon Boy thing.
- What did Fritos do?
- I don't really remember.
I just stuck to it.
- I just don't see how donating
to some charity moves
the needle on the elusive dream
of roller rink equality.
- It's not a donation.
Most companies are just
tweeting a rainbow square.
- A rainbow square? That's it?
- Well, it's virtue signaling.
I didn't post one.
- Well, I mean, you get
a free pass, don't you?
You probably didn't have
to post a black square
when everyone was doing that.
- Ah, so lucky.
- Yes, being a gay Black man
in America is,
as they say, a breeze.
- Look, if all we have to do
is tweet some dumb square,
then yeah, let's tweet it.
- Got it.
I'll post one immediately.
- Post two. Go nuts.
Look, if we don't take
a stand, who will?
- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
- Hey, fam.
Today, Payne Motors
decided to do the bare minimum
to show their support
for the LGBTQIA community.
Thank you, Payne,
for saving the world
by posting
that rainbow square.
Especially since
all their commercials
have one thing in common:
zero LGBTQIA representation.
- It already has like,
a million views.
- I hate teenage girls.
- Where do they even find time
to do this kind of research?
- I'm not sure
she's totally wrong, though.
We do have a blind spot here.
I mean, GLAAD just put out
a statement condemning us.
- Who cares what GLAAD says?
They're garbage people.
- Whoa!
- That's one too far.
- You can't say that.
- What?
I just it's weird that
the people who make trash bags
get to chime in on this stuff.
- Oh, boy.
- I think you're thinking
about Glad, the garbage bags.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is the Gay
and Lesbian A--Alliance?
- Is it alliance?
- Association.
- Activist for--
- Discriminatory?
[all talking at once]
- I don't know
how he doesn't know this.
- There's five A's,
it's GLAAAAAD.
- GLAAAAAD.
- Yeah, but anyway.
It's the gays.
- Mm.
- So what should we do
about this?
Is there another square
we can tweet?
- Ooh, I think this is bigger
than a square now.
- Come on.
- We could make a donation
to GLAAD, the advocacy group.
Not trash bags.
- I mean, it's a lovely gesture
but I don't think
it really raises awareness.
- Raising awareness of what?
That gay people exist?
I'm pretty sure we're aware.
- We're not a bashful people.
- I just think
it's about representation.
People like to see people like
themselves on TV, that's it.
- Well, whatever our next
commercial is,
we better make damn sure
that there are
some gay people in it.
- Oh...
- What?
- Remember the Magellan?
The minivan that serial killer
was driving?
We rebranded.
[bright music plays]
- The Payne Magellan.
For every type of family.
- Every type of family
except for the gay ones.
- We've been working
on this for months.
You cannot honestly be thinking
about reshooting it
a week before it airs
just because some teenager
made a mean video about you.
- It was really mean.
I mean, she had, you know,
graphics and everything.
- We can't air
another commercial
with no LGBTQ representation
one week
after rainbow square-gate.
- No, okay, but maybe we do
have representation.
Right?
I mean, for all we know,
every single one
of those people could be gay.
They're just not
talking about it.
You know why?
Because
they're in a car commercial.
So it just didn't come up.
- Look, I'm not suggesting
we reshoot the whole thing.
Just the last few seconds
with the different families
except we replace one of them
with same-sex parents.
So the message is
Payne stands for all families.
- Is that possible?
- Well, we'd have to recast
and--and shoot it
and then--and then edit it,
get it ready to air in a week.
- Yeah.
- Which, no.
Even if we could do that--
that's a giant if--
is it really gonna be worth it
to spend probably seven figures
just so we can appease
the woke mob?
[quirky music]
- Can we get the blue van
in here, please?
Should have been here
five minutes ago.
- I really hate teenage girls.
.
[quirky music]
♪
- This is such a waste of time.
- Oh, my God, tell me about it.
Half of these
TikTok videos are kids dancing
and the other half are people
saying
the second tower never fell.
- No, I'm talking
about the reshoot.
I'm not on social media.
Don't really need
to get into arguments
with liberal nut jobs
about my white privilege.
- Yeah, I'm sure
the world is worse off
for not having
your hot takes, Frank.
- I'm getting breakfast.
I might even get
eggs with salsa
unless that's considered
cultural appropriation now.
Ugh.
- Frank sucks, right?
- Very much so.
- How's it looking, dude?
- Um, good, dude.
- Wesley Payne, client.
You're the director, I presume.
- [chuckles] Yep.
- Cool.
God, I love the energy
of a set, man.
Just everyone doing things.
I did a part of a film program
one summer
so I know the basics.
- Uh-huh.
- There he is.
Hey, what do you think about
for the first shot?
You thinking about
something like this
where you are right now?
I'm the camera.
Or like, maybe one of these?
Or even like, a...
come around that way?
- Mmm.
Man, this is so cool, Cyrus.
I've never been
on a set before, man.
- This one's okay.
I mean, a couple years ago,
we did a Super Bowl commercial
and they had crab legs.
Mm, now that
was an amazing shoot.
- You guys,
I just saw the actor that
played Nick's brother on an
episode of "Cincinnati Blue."
I can't believe
he's doing commercials now.
- Well, I don't think
a guest spot
on one episode of television
equals ten seasons
of "Friends."
- Um, I think
he's doing very well.
- Go say hi.
- No.
Like I'm some crazy stalker
or something?
He's a celebrity.
- Is he a celebrity, though?
- Have you seen his IMDb page?
He got like, 30 credits where
he wrote, directed, produced,
acted, and edited
all of them by himself.
He's like a multi hyphenate.
- Thursday?
- Yeah, that's good.
- Glad to see we've got
adequate mime representation
on set.
- Honestly, melanoma would be
less embarrassing than that.
- Well, I'm sorry
that coming as I do
from the tropical paradise
of the United Kingdom,
I'm not exactly well adapted
to the sun.
But anyway, I met the two women
in the new couple.
They're--they seem lovely.
- Oh, do they read
as authentic?
- Authentic minivan drivers?
- No, I just mean
it's--to make sure
that they read as a couple.
You know?
Not as, you know,
like sisters or--
Do they look like lesbians?
- I don't think lesbians
look a particular way.
- Oh, no, no. I get that.
I do. I get that.
I'm not like Frank.
I'm not like, stereotyping.
It's just they're gonna be
onscreen for one millisecond.
I mean, how are people
gonna know that
they're, you know, a couple?
- Just the same way
they'll know
the other families are couples.
- To be fair, there is a lot
of, you know, implicit bias.
You know, lots of people
think "couple,"
they think mom and dad.
- Right.
- You know, not me.
I see two fellas walking down
the street together,
I'm like, "Where are the kids?"
you know?
Probably with the babysitter,
I would think.
- Exactly--
it's just--it's just that
we're spending all this money
on reshoots
to change stereotypes.
How much would it suck
to get to the end
and have people be like,
"Oh, hey.
"Look, there's two families
and a pair of platonic friends
driving their kids home"?
- Okay, so what do you
wanna do?
We put a rainbow flag sticker
on the back of the car?
- Or what about this?
They--at the end, they get out
and they like, clasp hands.
But you know,
we shoot it in such a way
that you can see
both of their wedding rings.
So maybe the camera spins
around the hands.
- Or I can talk to wardrobe.
- You know what?
That's a great idea.
- Right.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
Excuse me, sorry to interrupt.
- No worries.
- First off,
everyone looks great.
So good job.
The women in the new couple,
wondering if they each
should wear something
a little more
tailored or quirky?
Maybe like a vest?
Maybe over a dress shirt.
- Like Diane Keaton?
- Well, I was thinking like,
more off the top of my head,
like Ellen's kinda style
actually.
- Oh, you want me to lez
them up a little.
- No, I didn't say that.
I did not say that.
I would never say that.
I just think that we don't need
to adhere to any sort of like,
feminine type
by heteronormative standards.
Yeah, they should just wear
whatever they would
normally wear in their
day-to-day lives as lesbians--
Americans--
as lesbian Americans.
- But I'm a lesbian and
I'd wear what they're wearing.
- Great.
- And I'm pretty sure
one of them isn't even gay.
But, hey, you're the boss.
I'll throw bolo ties on them
if you want me to.
- Mm. You know what? It's fine.
Ah, I love it. Thanks again.
- Thank you.
- Okay, so there's a chance
that one of the actresses
playing a lesbian
could be straight.
- So don't lots of straight
people play gay characters?
I mean, Jake Gyllenhaal,
Tom Hanks, Channing Tatum?
- Mm-mm.
I don't think
Channing's ever played gay.
He's just a good dancer.
- It's just--it's complicated
right now
because we're already
under the spotlight.
We don't need a story
getting out that even when
we do have a gay character,
we cast a straight actress.
It's hard.
- What about Hugh Jackman?
Did we ever get an answer
on that one?
- [clears throat]
Can we just
focus on one issue at a time?
- Fine.
I mean, you said
there's a chance
that she might be straight.
Can we ask?
- Ooh, absolutely not.
That's a real legal red flag.
So no asking.
- Are you really putting that
under your sleeve?
You know the sun ain't a tick.
It don't just get
in the crevices.
- So to sum up,
if we ask a straight actress
to play a gay character,
we get in trouble
but if ask her if she's gay,
we also get in trouble?
- Yeah.
Cyrus, what do you think
we should do?
- Well, on one hand,
I don't feel comfortable
being the voice
of the entire gay community.
On the other hand, they just
put out dessert crepes
and I really wanna get one
before
they've all been picked over.
So...
[voice muffled]
Good luck.
- I got a shot list.
If it's helpful, it's--
There you go. That's--
- Wow.
- Yeah, that would be
the car, the blue one.
And then all the arrows
would be the cameras.
- Great, well,
you hang onto that,
and I will--I'll let you know
if I need it.
- Yeah, no. I like living life.
I like that.
- Yeah.
- Just let the creativity flow.
I got this when you need it
in my hands.
- So are we recasting?
I can place a rush call
to another actress,
but it'll take
one to two hours.
We'll have to decide now.
- Do you know what it's called
when someone pretends to be
something that they're not?
Acting, right?
So Johnny Depp is not a pirate.
Do we have to recast him
so we don't offend
pirate Americans?
- If we recast,
how do we make sure
we get an actual legit lesbian?
- Okay, look, just to be
absolutely clear again,
we cannot ask anyone
about their sexual orientation
as a condition of employment.
- Reese Witherspoon did not go
to Harvard Law School
to win back her boyfriend.
- Okay, what if we tell
the casting people
that we want accurate
representation?
And when you say accurate,
maybe wink a little bit
so they kinda know
what you mean.
- I'll be talking to them
on the phone.
- It's okay.
Just wink with your voice.
Just be like,
"We need an accuratelesbian."
- Sorry, one question,
what are we supposed to do
with the actress
that we currently have?
Because obviously, we can't let
her go for being not a lesbian.
- Is there somewhere else
that we could find to put her?
- Stick her wherever you want.
I don't care.
I'm here till 6:00.
- Uh, just a heads up,
we lose the child actors
in about four hours, so we
might wanna keep that in mind.
- Great, that's super helpful.
Thank you so much 'cause
what we need right now
is more pressure.
- Okay, so do we care
what race the actress is?
- Doesn't matter.
- Well, white.
- What?
- Well,
'cause her partner is white.
- So?
- Well, doesn't matter to me
personally, but there are,
you know, people out there
who have old fashioned views.
And hey, they buy cars too.
So--
- Is what you're saying that
when it came to casting
our two other couples,
you specifically paired white
with white and Black with Black
because you wanted to make sure
that we pandered
to segregationists?
Please tell me that is not
what you are telling me, Frank.
- You know.
- Okay, we're gonna
mix things up.
Dads, switch cars.
Moms, stay where you are.
- Moms, you're good.
Dads, gotta move.
- We're still at driver's
side though?
- Yes, men still
behind the wheel.
- No. No, no, no.
This time--this--this--this--
this time, the woman drives.
Yeah.
- She should let the director
say that stuff.
.
[quirky music]
♪
- Hi, I just wanna say
that everyone is loving
what you're doing.
- Really?
- You are...
[clicks tongue]
Knocking it out the park.
And I just have to say
that your episode
of "Cincinnati Blue"
was awesome.
- Oh, wow. Thank you.
Yeah, I--you know,
I was hoping to be a recurring,
but who knows, right?
- Yeah.
- Have you seen any of
my other stuff?
- No, just the--just the one.
- Oh, I've been
in a couple indies.
You know, one got
into Slamdance in 2015,
"No Other Exit."
- "No Other Exit"?
- The low budget
action thriller
with Lou Diamond Phillips.
- Oh, okay.
- Ah, it was a blast.
But it felt like, you know,
we were saying something.
You know?
- Mm-hmm.
- Matter of fact, let me
find you a clip from the movie.
Me and LDP got into
a little fight in the film.
I punched him in the face
and he beat
my character to death.
It was so much fun.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, there it is.
There it is.
- There's the--
- That's me.
I'm in the puddle of blood.
- Yeah. Oh, you're dead.
- Yeah.
- Oh, looks like casting
sent over the new actress.
- Quick turnaround.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- I think she probably
identifies
as a LGBT et cetera
in real life, right?
- I mean, you can't tell
just by looking at someone,
but I think it's--
- That's the butchest lesbian
I've even seen in my life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not a lot of ambiguity.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, okay.
- And do they look like
they would be together?
Like, is there chemistry there,
do you think?
- Well, I mean, they're
certainly different types.
But I believe
there is--you know,
that's quite common
in that community.
Isn't that right?
- Yeah, ask him.
- Hmm, I'm trying
to remember everything
they taught us about lesbians
at How To Be Gay Camp,
but it's been a while.
- Wait, why are they putting
the other one in the back?
What is she? Their tutor?
- Oh, well, remember, we have
to put her somewhere, so...
- Well, having all three
of them together like that
doesn't look like
they're a throuple, does it?
- How can they be a throuple?
The one in the back's
not even a lesbian.
- Well, the audience
doesn't know that.
- Then why the [bleep] did we
just replace her to begin with?
- Well, maybe we can make it
look like
she's someone they picked up.
You know,
someone's got into distress,
the car's broken down,
she's got jumper cables.
You know, I'll talk to props.
- Okay, hello. Props.
Sorry, are you props? No?
Sorry, is there, um...
sorry, hi, friend.
Are you props?
- You know what?
Maybe we should get a picture
or something like that?
I mean, it doesn't happen
every day where you, you know,
you meet a celebrity
and he meets a fan.
- Nah, I'm good actually.
- You sure you don't
want a selfie?
The lighting's great here.
- Sure. You know--
- Yeah, let's do it.
Here, I'll take that.
I got long arms.
- Oh, you'll take it? Okay.
- Say, "Bennet."
[camera shutter clicks]
[laughs]
There it is. Okay, here.
Let's get one with my phone.
- Oh, two pictures.
- Yeah, acting.
[camera shutter clicks]
That's good.
Hey, when you post that,
can you tag my manager
in it as well?
- Your manager?
- I'd like for her to know
I still got the heat.
- Stacy, girl.
Just looking for you, girl.
Come here.
- Come on, Bennet.
- How we looking?
We changing hearts
and minds finally?
- Yes, we have
a well-represented,
multi-racial ad
that we can be proud of.
Oh, but wait.
What if the Proud Boys
don't buy our cars anymore?
Oh, no.
- You're acting like I have
a problem with any of this
but I don't care.
I really just wanna sell cars.
- Mm-hmm.
- And actually.
You know,
that guy's skin is so light
that now that he's being paired
with her, from here,
he kinda just looks like
a white guy.
If anything,
you've actually just reduced
the amount of diversity
in this thing.
- Oh, come on.
- But the actor is,
in fact, Black, right?
- Yes, but he's light Black.
- What are we, crayons?
- Now that he's next
to a white woman,
you're worried
because you think people
will think that he's white?
- Exactly. Maybe.
I mean, I don't know.
- Does it matter?
- I mean, you tell me.
If it seems like
there's only one Black actor
in the commercial,
won't that seem like tokenism?
- Yeah, but it isn't tokenism
because--
'cause the guy
is actually Black, right?
- But will it look
like tokenism
if no one knows he's Black?
- Is there something we can do
with makeup
to make him look darker?
- Wesley.
- Come on, man.
- Just put him in blackface.
- No, no, no. Stop, stop.
I'm saying, he's already Black.
We'd just be increasing
his level of Blackness.
- Wes, you can go sit
over there with Frank
in the Cancelled Forever tent.
- Is part of the worry that
by casting that actor,
we're playing
into the narrative
of the safe,
light skinned Black man?
- Oh, my God.
- Wasn't before.
It is now.
I mean, should we recast him?
- So first we recast
an actress
because she might not be gay
in real life;
now we're recasting an actor
who is, in fact,
Black in real life
but might not appear
Black on screen.
- Yeah, right, it's like,
I mean, are we finally allowed
to say like, woke culture
has gone a little bit too far?
- Yeah, I don't think
we're allowed to say that.
- Absolutely not then.
Let's not say that. Carry on.
- Is there even time
to bring in a new actor?
- Uh. Hey, hall monitor.
Hey, if we wanted to replace
another actor, could we?
- We wouldn't make our day.
Also, we only got a couple
hours left with the kids.
- Okay, great.
I only asked you one question.
I just needed that one answer.
But thank you
for giving me a lesson
on time management skills.
You're a real--real peach.
Thank you so much.
God, that guy is a grade-A dud.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Maybe there's someone here
who's not white,
who could sub in.
Or maybe even one of us?
- Oh, let's use Jack.
Yeah, you're fine,
respectfully.
- Thank you, but no.
I'm not really--
I was an athlete.
I'm not really an actor.
- Relax, Denzel.
You just have
to step out of a car and wave.
- "You know,
man say he got a dream.
Woman say,
'Eat your eggs, Walter Lee.'"
"Raisin in the Sun."
See, I did
a lot of theatre growing up,
and I've been considering
going back to doing it again.
- I would love
to hear all about that.
Jack, are you in?
- Yeah. What the hell?
I'll give it a shot.
- Okay, great. Hey.
A star is born, guys.
That's awesome.
- Yes, he saved the day.
- I'm sorry to pour cold water
on everyone's happy dreams
of stardom,
but we can't release the actor
based on his race.
So now we need to find a job
for that guy as well.
- Just a square.
Just tweet a square.
.
[quirky music]
♪
- You okay?
- I--I've never acted before.
I don't quite know
what to do with my arms.
- Your arms.
- My arms.
- Well, what would you do
with them normally?
- Something like this.
Yeah, something
like this or this.
Something like this, yeah.
- Well,
when I'm sitting in a car,
I normally hold
my arms kind of like this.
That looks really good to me.
That looks really
natural to me.
You should go with that.
- It-it--
surprisingly feels
pretty damn good.
- Does it?
- It feels good.
- Mm-hmm. Perfect.
- Hey.
I wanted to give you
some signed headshots
and a copy of
"No Other Exit" in case
I didn't see you
before we wrap.
- Oh, three copies.
- Yeah.
- And a DVD.
- That's the one that was
in the 2015 Slamdance festival.
- I'll be sure to watch this.
- Okay, great.
DM me sometime, okay?
- DM?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Yes.
- Dori.
Yeah. Okay. I'll see you.
- [sighs]
- [sighs]
- This is the craziest day
of my directing career.
- Me too, man.
- You cannot eat nine slices.
That's not human.
- I definitely can.
I'll prove it to you.
Any night you want.
- Oh, you're on.
We're so doing this.
- It's settled then.
- Okay.
- You, me.
Triple pepp deep dish.
- They actually look
pretty good together.
I'd buy them as a couple.
- Ah, they're fine.
It's just a stupid commercial.
It's not like
a Nora Ephron movie.
Let's not read
too much into it.
What is going? Hey, excuse me.
Hi. Can we shoot already?
- Actually, all the kids
have timed out.
So we gotta send them home.
- Now? We're about to shoot.
- Yeah, I tried to warn you
about that earlier
but you told me to shut up,
so that's what I did.
All right, let's say
good night to the kids.
Whoo-hoo. Good night, kids.
Good night.
- What's with his attitude?
- We don't have time
to bring in other kids.
We're losing light as is.
- We're losing light, guys.
Gotta move.
- So, we are gonna film
a family commercial
with a bunch of grownups
standing around
empty swing sets
like a Stephen King movie?
- Or here's a wild idea.
Why don't we use
our original commercial
which was perfectly fine as is?
- We will get killed
in the press.
Especially if it got out that
we were shooting this version
and still aired the old one.
- There is one sliver
of light left.
What are you?
A [bleep] vampire?
How do you not have rickets?
[bleep].
- I-I-I take supplements.
[bright music plays]
♪
- The Payne Magellan.
For every type of family.
- I gotta say,
the combination
of abandoned swing sets
and minivans
with no children
is a bit creepy.
- Yes, it does have
a sort of post-apocalyptic
"Children of Men" type quality
to it.
The lighting, the angles,
not what I would've done.
- Jack, you were good, though.
- Thanks, it was fun.
- Yeah, looked fun.
So what do you wanna do?
Do we air this?
- Might as well.
No one watches commercials
anymore anyway.
- Cool.
- So on the 15th, you have
an interview with "Autoweek."
And then do you wanna
do anything
on this roller rink thing?
- What roller rink thing?
- A roller rink in the boonies
was doing a families day
and turned away a family
with two moms.
- I mean,
not to sound heartless.
I obviously want gay families
to enjoy roller skating
as much as the rest of us
but what does this
have to do with us?
- Well,
everyone expects companies
to be social advocates
these days.
I mean, I was admonished
by my coffee cup this morning
for not having neutered my dog.
- Actually, I stopped
eating Fritos
after that Balloon Boy thing.
- What did Fritos do?
- I don't really remember.
I just stuck to it.
- I just don't see how donating
to some charity moves
the needle on the elusive dream
of roller rink equality.
- It's not a donation.
Most companies are just
tweeting a rainbow square.
- A rainbow square? That's it?
- Well, it's virtue signaling.
I didn't post one.
- Well, I mean, you get
a free pass, don't you?
You probably didn't have
to post a black square
when everyone was doing that.
- Ah, so lucky.
- Yes, being a gay Black man
in America is,
as they say, a breeze.
- Look, if all we have to do
is tweet some dumb square,
then yeah, let's tweet it.
- Got it.
I'll post one immediately.
- Post two. Go nuts.
Look, if we don't take
a stand, who will?
- ♪ Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
- Hey, fam.
Today, Payne Motors
decided to do the bare minimum
to show their support
for the LGBTQIA community.
Thank you, Payne,
for saving the world
by posting
that rainbow square.
Especially since
all their commercials
have one thing in common:
zero LGBTQIA representation.
- It already has like,
a million views.
- I hate teenage girls.
- Where do they even find time
to do this kind of research?
- I'm not sure
she's totally wrong, though.
We do have a blind spot here.
I mean, GLAAD just put out
a statement condemning us.
- Who cares what GLAAD says?
They're garbage people.
- Whoa!
- That's one too far.
- You can't say that.
- What?
I just it's weird that
the people who make trash bags
get to chime in on this stuff.
- Oh, boy.
- I think you're thinking
about Glad, the garbage bags.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is the Gay
and Lesbian A--Alliance?
- Is it alliance?
- Association.
- Activist for--
- Discriminatory?
[all talking at once]
- I don't know
how he doesn't know this.
- There's five A's,
it's GLAAAAAD.
- GLAAAAAD.
- Yeah, but anyway.
It's the gays.
- Mm.
- So what should we do
about this?
Is there another square
we can tweet?
- Ooh, I think this is bigger
than a square now.
- Come on.
- We could make a donation
to GLAAD, the advocacy group.
Not trash bags.
- I mean, it's a lovely gesture
but I don't think
it really raises awareness.
- Raising awareness of what?
That gay people exist?
I'm pretty sure we're aware.
- We're not a bashful people.
- I just think
it's about representation.
People like to see people like
themselves on TV, that's it.
- Well, whatever our next
commercial is,
we better make damn sure
that there are
some gay people in it.
- Oh...
- What?
- Remember the Magellan?
The minivan that serial killer
was driving?
We rebranded.
[bright music plays]
- The Payne Magellan.
For every type of family.
- Every type of family
except for the gay ones.
- We've been working
on this for months.
You cannot honestly be thinking
about reshooting it
a week before it airs
just because some teenager
made a mean video about you.
- It was really mean.
I mean, she had, you know,
graphics and everything.
- We can't air
another commercial
with no LGBTQ representation
one week
after rainbow square-gate.
- No, okay, but maybe we do
have representation.
Right?
I mean, for all we know,
every single one
of those people could be gay.
They're just not
talking about it.
You know why?
Because
they're in a car commercial.
So it just didn't come up.
- Look, I'm not suggesting
we reshoot the whole thing.
Just the last few seconds
with the different families
except we replace one of them
with same-sex parents.
So the message is
Payne stands for all families.
- Is that possible?
- Well, we'd have to recast
and--and shoot it
and then--and then edit it,
get it ready to air in a week.
- Yeah.
- Which, no.
Even if we could do that--
that's a giant if--
is it really gonna be worth it
to spend probably seven figures
just so we can appease
the woke mob?
[quirky music]
- Can we get the blue van
in here, please?
Should have been here
five minutes ago.
- I really hate teenage girls.
.
[quirky music]
♪
- This is such a waste of time.
- Oh, my God, tell me about it.
Half of these
TikTok videos are kids dancing
and the other half are people
saying
the second tower never fell.
- No, I'm talking
about the reshoot.
I'm not on social media.
Don't really need
to get into arguments
with liberal nut jobs
about my white privilege.
- Yeah, I'm sure
the world is worse off
for not having
your hot takes, Frank.
- I'm getting breakfast.
I might even get
eggs with salsa
unless that's considered
cultural appropriation now.
Ugh.
- Frank sucks, right?
- Very much so.
- How's it looking, dude?
- Um, good, dude.
- Wesley Payne, client.
You're the director, I presume.
- [chuckles] Yep.
- Cool.
God, I love the energy
of a set, man.
Just everyone doing things.
I did a part of a film program
one summer
so I know the basics.
- Uh-huh.
- There he is.
Hey, what do you think about
for the first shot?
You thinking about
something like this
where you are right now?
I'm the camera.
Or like, maybe one of these?
Or even like, a...
come around that way?
- Mmm.
Man, this is so cool, Cyrus.
I've never been
on a set before, man.
- This one's okay.
I mean, a couple years ago,
we did a Super Bowl commercial
and they had crab legs.
Mm, now that
was an amazing shoot.
- You guys,
I just saw the actor that
played Nick's brother on an
episode of "Cincinnati Blue."
I can't believe
he's doing commercials now.
- Well, I don't think
a guest spot
on one episode of television
equals ten seasons
of "Friends."
- Um, I think
he's doing very well.
- Go say hi.
- No.
Like I'm some crazy stalker
or something?
He's a celebrity.
- Is he a celebrity, though?
- Have you seen his IMDb page?
He got like, 30 credits where
he wrote, directed, produced,
acted, and edited
all of them by himself.
He's like a multi hyphenate.
- Thursday?
- Yeah, that's good.
- Glad to see we've got
adequate mime representation
on set.
- Honestly, melanoma would be
less embarrassing than that.
- Well, I'm sorry
that coming as I do
from the tropical paradise
of the United Kingdom,
I'm not exactly well adapted
to the sun.
But anyway, I met the two women
in the new couple.
They're--they seem lovely.
- Oh, do they read
as authentic?
- Authentic minivan drivers?
- No, I just mean
it's--to make sure
that they read as a couple.
You know?
Not as, you know,
like sisters or--
Do they look like lesbians?
- I don't think lesbians
look a particular way.
- Oh, no, no. I get that.
I do. I get that.
I'm not like Frank.
I'm not like, stereotyping.
It's just they're gonna be
onscreen for one millisecond.
I mean, how are people
gonna know that
they're, you know, a couple?
- Just the same way
they'll know
the other families are couples.
- To be fair, there is a lot
of, you know, implicit bias.
You know, lots of people
think "couple,"
they think mom and dad.
- Right.
- You know, not me.
I see two fellas walking down
the street together,
I'm like, "Where are the kids?"
you know?
Probably with the babysitter,
I would think.
- Exactly--
it's just--it's just that
we're spending all this money
on reshoots
to change stereotypes.
How much would it suck
to get to the end
and have people be like,
"Oh, hey.
"Look, there's two families
and a pair of platonic friends
driving their kids home"?
- Okay, so what do you
wanna do?
We put a rainbow flag sticker
on the back of the car?
- Or what about this?
They--at the end, they get out
and they like, clasp hands.
But you know,
we shoot it in such a way
that you can see
both of their wedding rings.
So maybe the camera spins
around the hands.
- Or I can talk to wardrobe.
- You know what?
That's a great idea.
- Right.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
Excuse me, sorry to interrupt.
- No worries.
- First off,
everyone looks great.
So good job.
The women in the new couple,
wondering if they each
should wear something
a little more
tailored or quirky?
Maybe like a vest?
Maybe over a dress shirt.
- Like Diane Keaton?
- Well, I was thinking like,
more off the top of my head,
like Ellen's kinda style
actually.
- Oh, you want me to lez
them up a little.
- No, I didn't say that.
I did not say that.
I would never say that.
I just think that we don't need
to adhere to any sort of like,
feminine type
by heteronormative standards.
Yeah, they should just wear
whatever they would
normally wear in their
day-to-day lives as lesbians--
Americans--
as lesbian Americans.
- But I'm a lesbian and
I'd wear what they're wearing.
- Great.
- And I'm pretty sure
one of them isn't even gay.
But, hey, you're the boss.
I'll throw bolo ties on them
if you want me to.
- Mm. You know what? It's fine.
Ah, I love it. Thanks again.
- Thank you.
- Okay, so there's a chance
that one of the actresses
playing a lesbian
could be straight.
- So don't lots of straight
people play gay characters?
I mean, Jake Gyllenhaal,
Tom Hanks, Channing Tatum?
- Mm-mm.
I don't think
Channing's ever played gay.
He's just a good dancer.
- It's just--it's complicated
right now
because we're already
under the spotlight.
We don't need a story
getting out that even when
we do have a gay character,
we cast a straight actress.
It's hard.
- What about Hugh Jackman?
Did we ever get an answer
on that one?
- [clears throat]
Can we just
focus on one issue at a time?
- Fine.
I mean, you said
there's a chance
that she might be straight.
Can we ask?
- Ooh, absolutely not.
That's a real legal red flag.
So no asking.
- Are you really putting that
under your sleeve?
You know the sun ain't a tick.
It don't just get
in the crevices.
- So to sum up,
if we ask a straight actress
to play a gay character,
we get in trouble
but if ask her if she's gay,
we also get in trouble?
- Yeah.
Cyrus, what do you think
we should do?
- Well, on one hand,
I don't feel comfortable
being the voice
of the entire gay community.
On the other hand, they just
put out dessert crepes
and I really wanna get one
before
they've all been picked over.
So...
[voice muffled]
Good luck.
- I got a shot list.
If it's helpful, it's--
There you go. That's--
- Wow.
- Yeah, that would be
the car, the blue one.
And then all the arrows
would be the cameras.
- Great, well,
you hang onto that,
and I will--I'll let you know
if I need it.
- Yeah, no. I like living life.
I like that.
- Yeah.
- Just let the creativity flow.
I got this when you need it
in my hands.
- So are we recasting?
I can place a rush call
to another actress,
but it'll take
one to two hours.
We'll have to decide now.
- Do you know what it's called
when someone pretends to be
something that they're not?
Acting, right?
So Johnny Depp is not a pirate.
Do we have to recast him
so we don't offend
pirate Americans?
- If we recast,
how do we make sure
we get an actual legit lesbian?
- Okay, look, just to be
absolutely clear again,
we cannot ask anyone
about their sexual orientation
as a condition of employment.
- Reese Witherspoon did not go
to Harvard Law School
to win back her boyfriend.
- Okay, what if we tell
the casting people
that we want accurate
representation?
And when you say accurate,
maybe wink a little bit
so they kinda know
what you mean.
- I'll be talking to them
on the phone.
- It's okay.
Just wink with your voice.
Just be like,
"We need an accuratelesbian."
- Sorry, one question,
what are we supposed to do
with the actress
that we currently have?
Because obviously, we can't let
her go for being not a lesbian.
- Is there somewhere else
that we could find to put her?
- Stick her wherever you want.
I don't care.
I'm here till 6:00.
- Uh, just a heads up,
we lose the child actors
in about four hours, so we
might wanna keep that in mind.
- Great, that's super helpful.
Thank you so much 'cause
what we need right now
is more pressure.
- Okay, so do we care
what race the actress is?
- Doesn't matter.
- Well, white.
- What?
- Well,
'cause her partner is white.
- So?
- Well, doesn't matter to me
personally, but there are,
you know, people out there
who have old fashioned views.
And hey, they buy cars too.
So--
- Is what you're saying that
when it came to casting
our two other couples,
you specifically paired white
with white and Black with Black
because you wanted to make sure
that we pandered
to segregationists?
Please tell me that is not
what you are telling me, Frank.
- You know.
- Okay, we're gonna
mix things up.
Dads, switch cars.
Moms, stay where you are.
- Moms, you're good.
Dads, gotta move.
- We're still at driver's
side though?
- Yes, men still
behind the wheel.
- No. No, no, no.
This time--this--this--this--
this time, the woman drives.
Yeah.
- She should let the director
say that stuff.
.
[quirky music]
♪
- Hi, I just wanna say
that everyone is loving
what you're doing.
- Really?
- You are...
[clicks tongue]
Knocking it out the park.
And I just have to say
that your episode
of "Cincinnati Blue"
was awesome.
- Oh, wow. Thank you.
Yeah, I--you know,
I was hoping to be a recurring,
but who knows, right?
- Yeah.
- Have you seen any of
my other stuff?
- No, just the--just the one.
- Oh, I've been
in a couple indies.
You know, one got
into Slamdance in 2015,
"No Other Exit."
- "No Other Exit"?
- The low budget
action thriller
with Lou Diamond Phillips.
- Oh, okay.
- Ah, it was a blast.
But it felt like, you know,
we were saying something.
You know?
- Mm-hmm.
- Matter of fact, let me
find you a clip from the movie.
Me and LDP got into
a little fight in the film.
I punched him in the face
and he beat
my character to death.
It was so much fun.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, there it is.
There it is.
- There's the--
- That's me.
I'm in the puddle of blood.
- Yeah. Oh, you're dead.
- Yeah.
- Oh, looks like casting
sent over the new actress.
- Quick turnaround.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- I think she probably
identifies
as a LGBT et cetera
in real life, right?
- I mean, you can't tell
just by looking at someone,
but I think it's--
- That's the butchest lesbian
I've even seen in my life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not a lot of ambiguity.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, okay.
- And do they look like
they would be together?
Like, is there chemistry there,
do you think?
- Well, I mean, they're
certainly different types.
But I believe
there is--you know,
that's quite common
in that community.
Isn't that right?
- Yeah, ask him.
- Hmm, I'm trying
to remember everything
they taught us about lesbians
at How To Be Gay Camp,
but it's been a while.
- Wait, why are they putting
the other one in the back?
What is she? Their tutor?
- Oh, well, remember, we have
to put her somewhere, so...
- Well, having all three
of them together like that
doesn't look like
they're a throuple, does it?
- How can they be a throuple?
The one in the back's
not even a lesbian.
- Well, the audience
doesn't know that.
- Then why the [bleep] did we
just replace her to begin with?
- Well, maybe we can make it
look like
she's someone they picked up.
You know,
someone's got into distress,
the car's broken down,
she's got jumper cables.
You know, I'll talk to props.
- Okay, hello. Props.
Sorry, are you props? No?
Sorry, is there, um...
sorry, hi, friend.
Are you props?
- You know what?
Maybe we should get a picture
or something like that?
I mean, it doesn't happen
every day where you, you know,
you meet a celebrity
and he meets a fan.
- Nah, I'm good actually.
- You sure you don't
want a selfie?
The lighting's great here.
- Sure. You know--
- Yeah, let's do it.
Here, I'll take that.
I got long arms.
- Oh, you'll take it? Okay.
- Say, "Bennet."
[camera shutter clicks]
[laughs]
There it is. Okay, here.
Let's get one with my phone.
- Oh, two pictures.
- Yeah, acting.
[camera shutter clicks]
That's good.
Hey, when you post that,
can you tag my manager
in it as well?
- Your manager?
- I'd like for her to know
I still got the heat.
- Stacy, girl.
Just looking for you, girl.
Come here.
- Come on, Bennet.
- How we looking?
We changing hearts
and minds finally?
- Yes, we have
a well-represented,
multi-racial ad
that we can be proud of.
Oh, but wait.
What if the Proud Boys
don't buy our cars anymore?
Oh, no.
- You're acting like I have
a problem with any of this
but I don't care.
I really just wanna sell cars.
- Mm-hmm.
- And actually.
You know,
that guy's skin is so light
that now that he's being paired
with her, from here,
he kinda just looks like
a white guy.
If anything,
you've actually just reduced
the amount of diversity
in this thing.
- Oh, come on.
- But the actor is,
in fact, Black, right?
- Yes, but he's light Black.
- What are we, crayons?
- Now that he's next
to a white woman,
you're worried
because you think people
will think that he's white?
- Exactly. Maybe.
I mean, I don't know.
- Does it matter?
- I mean, you tell me.
If it seems like
there's only one Black actor
in the commercial,
won't that seem like tokenism?
- Yeah, but it isn't tokenism
because--
'cause the guy
is actually Black, right?
- But will it look
like tokenism
if no one knows he's Black?
- Is there something we can do
with makeup
to make him look darker?
- Wesley.
- Come on, man.
- Just put him in blackface.
- No, no, no. Stop, stop.
I'm saying, he's already Black.
We'd just be increasing
his level of Blackness.
- Wes, you can go sit
over there with Frank
in the Cancelled Forever tent.
- Is part of the worry that
by casting that actor,
we're playing
into the narrative
of the safe,
light skinned Black man?
- Oh, my God.
- Wasn't before.
It is now.
I mean, should we recast him?
- So first we recast
an actress
because she might not be gay
in real life;
now we're recasting an actor
who is, in fact,
Black in real life
but might not appear
Black on screen.
- Yeah, right, it's like,
I mean, are we finally allowed
to say like, woke culture
has gone a little bit too far?
- Yeah, I don't think
we're allowed to say that.
- Absolutely not then.
Let's not say that. Carry on.
- Is there even time
to bring in a new actor?
- Uh. Hey, hall monitor.
Hey, if we wanted to replace
another actor, could we?
- We wouldn't make our day.
Also, we only got a couple
hours left with the kids.
- Okay, great.
I only asked you one question.
I just needed that one answer.
But thank you
for giving me a lesson
on time management skills.
You're a real--real peach.
Thank you so much.
God, that guy is a grade-A dud.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Maybe there's someone here
who's not white,
who could sub in.
Or maybe even one of us?
- Oh, let's use Jack.
Yeah, you're fine,
respectfully.
- Thank you, but no.
I'm not really--
I was an athlete.
I'm not really an actor.
- Relax, Denzel.
You just have
to step out of a car and wave.
- "You know,
man say he got a dream.
Woman say,
'Eat your eggs, Walter Lee.'"
"Raisin in the Sun."
See, I did
a lot of theatre growing up,
and I've been considering
going back to doing it again.
- I would love
to hear all about that.
Jack, are you in?
- Yeah. What the hell?
I'll give it a shot.
- Okay, great. Hey.
A star is born, guys.
That's awesome.
- Yes, he saved the day.
- I'm sorry to pour cold water
on everyone's happy dreams
of stardom,
but we can't release the actor
based on his race.
So now we need to find a job
for that guy as well.
- Just a square.
Just tweet a square.
.
[quirky music]
♪
- You okay?
- I--I've never acted before.
I don't quite know
what to do with my arms.
- Your arms.
- My arms.
- Well, what would you do
with them normally?
- Something like this.
Yeah, something
like this or this.
Something like this, yeah.
- Well,
when I'm sitting in a car,
I normally hold
my arms kind of like this.
That looks really good to me.
That looks really
natural to me.
You should go with that.
- It-it--
surprisingly feels
pretty damn good.
- Does it?
- It feels good.
- Mm-hmm. Perfect.
- Hey.
I wanted to give you
some signed headshots
and a copy of
"No Other Exit" in case
I didn't see you
before we wrap.
- Oh, three copies.
- Yeah.
- And a DVD.
- That's the one that was
in the 2015 Slamdance festival.
- I'll be sure to watch this.
- Okay, great.
DM me sometime, okay?
- DM?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Yes.
- Dori.
Yeah. Okay. I'll see you.
- [sighs]
- [sighs]
- This is the craziest day
of my directing career.
- Me too, man.
- You cannot eat nine slices.
That's not human.
- I definitely can.
I'll prove it to you.
Any night you want.
- Oh, you're on.
We're so doing this.
- It's settled then.
- Okay.
- You, me.
Triple pepp deep dish.
- They actually look
pretty good together.
I'd buy them as a couple.
- Ah, they're fine.
It's just a stupid commercial.
It's not like
a Nora Ephron movie.
Let's not read
too much into it.
What is going? Hey, excuse me.
Hi. Can we shoot already?
- Actually, all the kids
have timed out.
So we gotta send them home.
- Now? We're about to shoot.
- Yeah, I tried to warn you
about that earlier
but you told me to shut up,
so that's what I did.
All right, let's say
good night to the kids.
Whoo-hoo. Good night, kids.
Good night.
- What's with his attitude?
- We don't have time
to bring in other kids.
We're losing light as is.
- We're losing light, guys.
Gotta move.
- So, we are gonna film
a family commercial
with a bunch of grownups
standing around
empty swing sets
like a Stephen King movie?
- Or here's a wild idea.
Why don't we use
our original commercial
which was perfectly fine as is?
- We will get killed
in the press.
Especially if it got out that
we were shooting this version
and still aired the old one.
- There is one sliver
of light left.
What are you?
A [bleep] vampire?
How do you not have rickets?
[bleep].
- I-I-I take supplements.
[bright music plays]
♪
- The Payne Magellan.
For every type of family.
- I gotta say,
the combination
of abandoned swing sets
and minivans
with no children
is a bit creepy.
- Yes, it does have
a sort of post-apocalyptic
"Children of Men" type quality
to it.
The lighting, the angles,
not what I would've done.
- Jack, you were good, though.
- Thanks, it was fun.
- Yeah, looked fun.
So what do you wanna do?
Do we air this?
- Might as well.
No one watches commercials
anymore anyway.
- Cool.