'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 7, Episode 2 - An Almighty Bang - full transcript

( theme music playing )

IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT THIS BEDKNOB

IS RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE DISAPPEARANCE

OF MONSIEUR LECLERC
AND MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

BUT IT IS A FACT.

A SECRET DISAPPEARING BED,

BUILT BY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
THE UNDERTAKER,

WHICH WAS ONLY TO BE USED
IN AN EMERGENCY,

WAS ACTIVATED
BY THIS VERY KNOB

SO THAT THE SILLY
OLD COUPLE COULD HIDE

AFTER THEY HAD BEEN RELEASED
AND SNATCHED FROM PRISON



BY MY WIFE, EDITH,
WHO WAS USING FORGED PAPERS.

MADAME FANNY
TURNED THIS KNOB

AND SHE
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC

FLEW UP INTO THE WALL

AND THE KNOB FELL OFF.

AS IT HAS TO BE TURNED AGAIN
TO RELEASE THE BED,

THEY ARE, OF COURSE
STILL HANGING UPSIDE DOWN

LIKE A COUPLE OF AGED BATS.

I HAVE JUST PHONED
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE

TO GET HIM TO COME
AND RELEASE THEM,

BUT IF HE DOES NOT HURRY UP,
WELL, I FEAR THE WORST.

RENE.

WHERE IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
WITH HIS TOOLS?

HE SHOULD BE HERE.



WELL, PERHAPS
HIS HORSE IS LAME.

THEY HAVE STOPPED KNOCKING.

WHAT?

MY MOTHER
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC.

OH, MAMMA.

TO THINK THIS KNOB WAS
THE LAST THING SHE HELD

BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARED.

A FITTING EPITAPH, EDITH.

OH GOD.

MERCI.

OH, MY DICKY TICKER.

WE UNDERTAKERS
ARE NOT USED TO HURRYING.

OUR CLIENTS
ARE USUALLY DEAD.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

RENE, HE DOES NOT
LOOK WELL.

THEN TAKE HIM UPSTAIRS.

IF HE PEGS OUT
DOWN HERE

PEOPLE WILL THINK

IT IS SOMETHING
WRONG WITH MY WINE.

( soft knock )

- ( pounds wall )
- Yvette: OH!

SHUSH!

HOW CAN I HEAR
IF THEY'RE BANGING IF YOU'RE BANGING?

AND HOW CAN I HEAR
IF THEY HAVE BANGED

IN ANSWER TO MY BANG
IF YOU ARE SHOUTING?

OH, YOU LISTEN,
I'LL BANG.

NO, YOU LISTEN,
I'LL BANG.

- NO! NO!
- YES! YES!

Rene:
STOP THAT, YOU TWO!

Edith:
CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING?

- NOTHING.
- EXCEPT HER SHOUTING.

WHAT IF MAMMA
HAS SUFFOCATED?

THIS PLACE IS RIDDLED
WITH MOUSE HOLES.

THERE IS BOUND
TO BE SOME AIR

EVEN IF IT DOES SMELL
STRONGLY OF CHEESE.

DO NOT FEAR, MADAME,

I HAVE COME FULLY PREPARED
FOR ALL EVENTUALITIES.

I HAVE WITH ME
MY UNDERTAKER'S TAPE MEASURE

AND ALSO A CATALOG
OF MY COFFINS

FOR YOU TO PERUSE
AT YOUR LEISURE.

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
SURELY YOU CAN DO SOMETHING.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL

I SHALL LISTEN
WITH MY STETHOSCOPE.

( wheezing cough )

PARDON.

( wheezing )

I CAN HEAR WHEEZING.

DO THEY HAVE ASTHMA?

THAT IS YOU,
YOU OLD FOOL.

THIS CRAFTSMANSHIP
IS SUPERB.

I COULD NEVER
PRISE IT DOWN.

I KNOW, I WILL DRILL
AN AIR HOLE FOR THEM.

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
DO BE CAREFUL.

YES, DO NOT DRILL
THROUGH HER MOTHER.

RENE, WHAT IF
HE STRIKES A VITAL ORGAN?

SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A VITAL ORGAN.

I HAVE STRUCK METAL.

COULD IT BE
HER EAR TRUMPET?

IF IT IS,
I HOPE SHE WAS NOT LISTENING.

AH YES,
I CAN HEAR THEM NOW.

THEY ARE SNORING.

THEY ARE ASLEEP.

MAMMA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
IT IS ME, EDITH.

( moaning; banging )

Mamma:
GET ME OUT OF HERE!

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT.

WHY DID YOU NOT
LET THEM SLEEP

UNTIL THEY WERE OUT?

YES, WELL,
THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER.

I WILL DRILL SMALL HOLES
AROUND THE HINGES

AND PUT IN
A SMALL EXPLOSIVE CHARGE.

DO YOU HAVE
ANY DYNAMITE?

THIS IS A CAFE,
NOT AN ARSENAL!

MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE
WILL HAVE SOME.

RENE, GO TO
OFFICER CRABTREE.

HE WILL FIND MICHELLE
AND GET SOME DYNAMITE FROM HER.

I AM NOT GOING
TO RISK MY NECK GETTING DYNAMITE.

WE COULD BLOW
THE WHOLE PLACE UP.

BUT WE NEED
ONLY A SMALL CHARGE.

( moaning )

I THINK MADAME FANNY
IS TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING.

YES, SHE WANTS
SOME SOUP.

THAT WILL BE TRICKY.

MIMI, THERE IS SOME
ONION SOUP ON THE STOVE.

GO DOWN, FILL THE BELLOWS
WITH THE SOUP

THEN PUT THE NOZZLE
IN THE HOLE IN THE WALL.

WE WILL PUMP SOME THROUGH.

AFTER THAT WE MAY
NOT NEED DYNAMITE.

I WILL GO AND GET
A MESSAGE TO MICHELLE.

IN THE MEANTIME,
DO NOTHING.

( knocking )

I OPEN MY DOOR TO NO ONE

UNLESS THEY GIVE
THE CORRECT SECRET KNOCK.

( rhythmic knocking )

WRONG.

IT IS ME, HERR FLICK.
HELGA.

WHY DID YOU
NOT SHOUT?

I DO NOT WANT
THE WHOLE TOWN TO KNOW

I'M YOUR BIT
OF STUFF.

SO,

DID VON SMALLHAUSEN

COMMIT A CRIME
IN THE COLONEL'S OFFICE

AND GET HIMSELF
SENT TO JAIL

IN ORDER TO
INGRATIATE HIMSELF

WITH MADAME FANNY
AND THE OLD PIANO PLAYER,

WHO ARE ALSO
PRISONERS THERE,

TO FIND OUT
IF THEY KNOW

THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN?

- NO.
- WHAT?

THAT IS TO SAY,
HE DID GET SENT TO JAIL.

UNFORTUNATELY,
THE OLD COUPLE HAD ALREADY BEEN RELEASED.

VON SMALLHAUSEN WAS
ARRESTED FOR HAVING NO PAPERS

IN SUSPICIOUS
CIRCUMSTANCES.

WHAT SUSPICIOUS
CIRCUMSTANCES?

HE WAS DRESSED
AS A BURGLAR, IN A MASK,

AND RIDING A BICYCLE
WITHOUT A REAR LIGHT.

VON SMALLHAUSEN
DOES NOTHING RIGHT.

FANCY FORGETTING
THE REAR LIGHT.

I WILL GO
HAVE HIM RELEASED.

MAY I KISS YOU,
FIRST, HERR FLICK.

NOT UNTIL YOU HAVE PASSED
YOUR SECRET KNOCKING TEST.

THAT IS NEAR ENOUGH.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL MUSSOLINI.

OH, GRUBER,

THE DECORATIONS
ARE LOVELY.

THANK YOU,
GENERAL.

SIT!

YOU VERY PROBABLY
HAVE ALL NOTICED

THIS AREA HAS BECOME
SOMETHING OF A BACKWATER

AS FAR AS THE WAR
IS CONCERNED, HMM?

WELL ALL THAT
IS ABOUT TO BE CHANGED.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE
IN MIND, GENERAL?

SOMETHING,
THAT IF IT SUCCEEDS,

WILL PUT OUR NAMES
DOWN IN HISTORY BOOKS

ALONGSIDE THE GREAT
GERMAN WAR HEROES OF THE PAST.

OR THE GREAT
ITALIAN WAR HEROES.

HIM AS WELL!

HOW ARE WE TO ACHIEVE THIS?

AN OLD COLLEAGUE OF MINE
WHO FOUGHT ALONGSIDE ME

IN THE CONDOR LEGION IN SPAIN,
GENERAL BORIS VON BRATWURSTEN,

HAS HEARD FROM INTELLIGENCE
THAT VERY SHORTLY,

CHURCHILL IS SCHEDULED TO TAKE
A BRIEF PAINTING HOLIDAY

ON THE SOUTH COAST
OF ENGLAND

AT A PLACE
CALLED BOGNOR.

All:
BOGNOR?

NOW, VON BRATWURSTEN
PLANS TO GO IN

ON A LIGHTNING
COMMANDO RAID

AND SNATCH HIM,
ENDING THE WAR AT A STROKE,

AND TO ENSURE
COMPLETE SECRECY,

HE HAS DECIDED
TO LAUNCH THE RAID

FROM HERE.

EVEN THE FUHRER
KNOWS NOTHING.

WON'T HE BE CROSS?

IF WE FAIL,
HE WILL NEVER KNOW.

BUT, IF WE SUCCEED,

WE WILL ALL BE
UP TO HERE IN IRON CROSSES.

HOW DARING.

HOW TYPICAL
OF THE CONDOR LEGION.

YOU WILL HAVE
OUR FULL BACKING, GENERAL.

WON'T HE, GRUBER?

WE SHALL BE
BEHIND HIM ALL THE WAY.

AND IF THE PLOT FAILS,
MUM'S THE WORD.

IT MUST NOT FAIL,

I AM TO BE
AT VAN BRATWURSTEN'S SIDE.

IN THAT CASE
IT STANDS EVERY CHANCE.

GRUBER,
I KNOW HOW KEEN YOU ARE

TO BE IN THE ACTION
WITH THE MEN.

AFTER THE RUSSIAN FRONT,
THIS MUST SEEM VERY TAME.

I AM VERY ADAPTABLE.

GOOD, I'VE PUT
YOUR NAME FORWARD.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HE'S TOO EXCITED
TO SPEAK.

JUST THINK--
ONE DAY I SHALL TELL MY CHILDREN

I WAS PART OF THIS.

JUST A SMALL PART

BECAUSE
I'M RATHER OLD.

NOT SO SMALL.

WE SHALL NEED A SUICIDE SQUAD
TO COVER OUR RETREAT.

YOU MAY LEAD IT IF YOU WISH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HE IS TOO EXCITED
TO SPEAK.

IN FACT, HE MAY
NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

PERHAPS
WE SHOULD WAIT

UNTIL GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN

IS OUT
OF THE HOSPITAL?

HE IS SO GOOD AT
PLANNING THIS KIND OF THING.

NO, NO.
HE WILL NOT BE COMING OUT.

VON BRATWURSTEN
IS WORRIED

HE MAY NOT GO
ALONG WITH THE PLAN.

SO HE HAS CUT OFF
VON KLINKERHOFFEN'S PHONE

AND IS MAKING ARRANGEMENTS
TO HAVE HIM TRANSFERRED

TO A NURSING HOME
IN BAVARIA

WHERE HE CAN
CONVALESCE

AFTER HIS
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

COME.

THE REPORT IS THAT
HE IS MUCH IMPROVED

AND ALMOST READY
FOR RELEASE.

I DO THINK WE SHOULD
CONSULT HIM FIRST.

NO, NO. WE WANT
THE GLORY FOR OURSELVES.

TO DEATH OR GLORY.

All:
TO DEATH OR GLORY.

IN OF ALL PLACES,
BOGNOR.

( whistling )

PASS ME THAT VASE,
PLEASE, YVETTE.

GOOD MOANING.

LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE
MADE ME DO, YOU IDIOT.

I AM SIRRY.
DID I MAKE YOU JIMP?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I HAVE BRIGHT
THE DEENAMOTE FROM MICHELLE.

WHERE IS IT?

IT IS DOON
MY TROOZERS

DISGEEZED
AS KINDLES.

THE FIRST ONE
IS A REAL KINDLE

AND THE RIST
IS THE DEENAMOTE.

AND I AM GLOD
TO GIT ROD OF IT.

I ALSO HAVE A MASSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.

WHAT IS THE MASSAGE?

I MIST TAKE
THE BROTISH EARMEN

TO BE WODE ON
THE FESHMINGER'S SCOLES.

WHAT IS THIS
LUNATIC ON ABOUT?

HE WANTS TO TAKE
THE BRITISH AIRMEN

TO BE WEIGHED
ON THE FISHMONGER'S SCALES.

WHATEVER FOR?

LONDON HOPES TO SEND
A LIGHT EARCRAFT

AND THEY NEED
TO KNEE THEIR WOTES

SO THE CAN FLEA
THEM AT NIT

TO ONGLAND.

WHAT NIT
ARE THEY GOING TO FLEA THEM?

IT HAS NOT BEEN DESUDED.

WIER ARE THEY NOO?

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

WHEE ARE THEY DRISSED
AS SCRIBBING LOODIES?

I HAVE TO GET
MY MONEY'S WORTH FROM THEM SOMEHOW.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, CHAPS?

WELL, NO, NOT REALLY.

ALL THIS CLEANING
IS RUINING MY HANDS.

AND I'VE GOT A NASTY CASE
OF HOUSEMAID'S KNEE.

NOT TO WORRY.
IT WON'T BE

FOR VERY MUCH LONGER.
COME WITH ME.

BEFORE YOU GO,
CLEAN UP THIS BROKEN VASE.

WHAT'S HE SAYING?

NO IDEA.

YOU'D THINK THEY'D
LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH.

YOU CANNOT GET GOOD
DOMESTIC HELP THESE DAYS.

OH, RENE,
IF ONLY WE COULD

FLEE TO ENGLAND
IN THAT PLANE AS WELL.

BUT WE ARE NOT
BRITISH AIRMEN.

I WISH WE WERE.
OH, HOLD ME.

AH, YVETTE.

OH, RENE.

EVERY TIME YOU HUG ME
I SEEM TO GROW STRONGER.

I MUST REMEMBER
TO TOP UP MY BATTERY.

OH, IS THAT YOUR HEART
I CAN FEEL THROBBING?

ALMOST
WITHOUT A DOUBT.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?

YOU STUPID WOMAN.
CAN YOU NOT SEE?

THIS POOR CHILD,
WEAK FROM HUNGER,

HAS BROKEN THIS VASE
AND IS WONDERING

HOW SHE CAN PAY FOR IT
FROM HER MEAGER WAGES.

NO, NO, NO.
DO NOT FRET, CHILD.

YOU CAN PAY
ON A MONTHLY BASIS...

OVER SEVERAL YEARS.

NOW GO AND OPEN
YOUR MONEY BOX,

TAKE SOMETHING FROM IT
AND SLIP IT IN THE TILL TOWARDS IT.

DO NOT WEEP, CHILD.

OH, I AM SORRY, RENE,

BUT I AM SO WORRIED
ABOUT MAMMA.

SHE IS DEFINITELY
OFF HER FOOD.

SHE SPAT THE SOUP
RIGHT BACK OUT OF THE HOLE.

I TOLD YOU
NOT TO DO THAT.

WELL, NEVER MIND,
OFFICER CRABTREE BROUGHT THE DYNAMITE.

OH, THANK HEAVENS.
WE MUST HURRY.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS ALREADY LATE

FOR AN EMBALMING.

WELL, I'M SURE
THEY WILL WAIT.

FILTHY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIRE
THOSE TWO CLEANING LADIES.

- RENE.
- HUH?

DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD WARN MAMMA ABOUT THE BIG BANG?

NO, LET IT COME
AS A SURPRISE.

GOOD.
THE COAST IS CLEAR.

WE WILL
SNEAK UPSTAIRS

AND INTERROGATE
THE OLD COUPLE

WITHOUT BEING SEEN.

MAKE NO NOISE
WITH YOUR STICK, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

YES, HERR FLICK.

( stomping )

I HAVE LIT THE FUSES.

THERE SHOULD BE
JUST ENOUGH

TO BLOW OFF THE HINGES.

DID YOU WARN
YOUR MOTHER?

NO, I DID NOT
WANT HER TO WORRY.

WE WISH TO INTERROGATE

MADAME FANNY
AND THE PIANO PLAYER.

IS THIS THEIR ROOM?

YOU CANNOT GO IN THERE.

THE GESTAPO CAN GO ANYWHERE.

THERE HAS BEEN
A SEVERE GAS LEAK.

IT IS VERY DANGEROUS.

I CANNOT SMELL ANYTHING.

VON SMALLHAUSEN,
YOU ARE NEARER TO THE GROUND.

DOES YOUR BIG PROBOSCIS
SMELL ANYTHING?

APART FROM A HINT
OF CHEESE,

NOTHING.

THEN FOLLOW ME.

( explosion )

MAMMA,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ERNEST,

WAS I DREAMING

OR WAS THERE
AN ALMIGHTY BANG?

IT WAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME.

MY GOD,
THE GESTAPO HAVE BEEN BLOWN TO LITTLE PIECES.

THEY WERE UNDER THE BED.

YOU WISH TO INTERROGATE
MY MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC?

WELL, HERE THEY ARE.

WE WILL COME BACK
WHEN OUR HEADACHES ARE BETTER.

GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN
HAS BECOME A LIABILITY.

THIS CRACKPOT PLAN
TO KIDNAP CHURCHILL

WILL GET US
INTO SERIOUS TROUBLE.

WE COULD ALL BE
COURT-MARTIALED.

AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
MAY BE SHOT BY THE BRITISH.

WHICH WOULD BE
MOST DISTRESSING.

WE MUST GET
INTO THE HOSPITAL,

SEE VON KLINKERHOFFEN

AND ALERT HIM
TO THE SITUATION.

BUT HE IS ROUND
THE TWIST.

FOR A GERMAN GENERAL
THAT IS NOT UNUSUAL.

AND LESS
ROUND THE TWIST

IS BETTER THAN
RIGHT ROUND THE TWIST.

IF WE CAN GET TO HIM,

HE CAN USE HIS
INFLUENCE IN BERLIN

TO HAVE VON
FLOCKENSTUFFEN REMOVED,

AND THIS MAD PLAN
ABORTED.

BUT NO ONE CAN SEE
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

THE PSYCHIATRIC WING
HAS BEEN PLACED OUT OF BOUNDS.

WE MUST FIND A WAY
OF GETTING IN.

MAY I SUGGEST,
TO THIS END

THAT YOU ARRANGE
FOR A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT

AT CAFE RENE TONIGHT,

TO KEEP GENERAL
VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN

OUT OF THE WAY,

WHILE I DISGUISE MYSELF
AS A NURSE

AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

ON WHAT PRETEXT?

I WILL TAKE CAPTAIN
BERTORELLI WITH ME,

WHO WILL PRETEND
TO BE A PATIENT

IN NEED
OF PSYCHIATRIC HELP,

AND TOGETHER
WE WILL GAIN ACCESS

TO THE GENERAL'S ROOM.

I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST
SOMETHING LIKE THAT MYSELF.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY I HAVE TO PLAY
THE FRUITCAKE?

YOU WILL BE
THE MOST BELIEVABLE.

I DON'T THINK
I LIKE THIS PLAN.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE ME
TO RECOMMEND YOU

FOR THE DEATH OR GLORY
SUICIDE SQUAD?

YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.

ALREADY I CAN FEEL
A FIT COMING ON.

HOW NICE
TO SEE YOU ALL.

SIT OVER HERE, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.

I HAVE ARRANGED
THE ENTERTAINMENT

YOU REQUESTED,
COLONEL.

GET ON WITH IT, RENE.

YES, OF COURSE.

( claps )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

IT IS CABARET TIME
AT CAFE RENE.

AND THE FIRST ITEM
ON THE BILL,

MY WIFE EDITH,
MADAME EDITH,

WILL SING FOR YOU
A SONG SHE HAS PREPARED.

SPLENDID.

WHAT IS
THE CHEESE FOR?

TO STUFF IN YOUR EARS.

SURELY THAT IS
NOT NECESSARY?

IT IS OPTIONAL.

♪ I LOVE THE MUSIC
FROM BRAZIL ♪

♪ IT ALWAYS GIVES ME
SUCH A THRILL ♪

♪ IT SAYS SO MANY THINGS
IN DIFFERENT WAYS ♪

♪ AND EVERY TIME
IT PLAYS ♪

♪ SHE BURSTS OUT
OF HER STAYS ♪

♪ IT DRIVES ME
CRACKERS ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T
HELP MYSELF ♪

♪ I MUST ♪

♪ PLAY THE MARACAS ♪

♪ IT DRIVES ME
CRACKERS ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T
HELP MYSELF ♪

♪ I MUST, I MUST,
I MUST ♪

♪ PLAY MY MARACAS ♪

- OLE!
- OLE!

EVERYWHERE
BLUEBOTTLEY, HA.

BLUEBOTTLEY--

TOTALLY ROUND
THE BEND.

BLUEBOTTLEY, HA!

♪ AND SO I DRIVE THE BOYS
ALL MAD AT NIGHT ♪

♪ AND THEY GO ♪

♪ CRACKERS ♪

♪ FOR MY MARACAS. ♪

- OLE!
- OLE!

( little applause )

HAS SHE FINISHED YET?

I THINK SO.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

WOULD YOU LIKE
ANOTHER SONG, HERR GENERAL?

THEY ARE NOT
MASOCHISTS, EDITH.

I COULD SING YOU
A TRAGIC SONG.

YOU JUST DID.

WHAT DID
THE GENERAL THINK?

I'M SURE YOU HAVE
NEVER BEEN BETTER, DARLING.

IN FACT, YOUR VOICE
REMINDS ME OF MY BOYHOOD

ON A FARM IN BAVARIA.

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE
THE GOLDEN MAIDENS

WHO SING IN
THE CORNFIELDS?

NO, THE THRESHING MACHINE.

I SHALL NOT SING AGAIN
THIS NIGHT!

WHAT'S NEXT
ON THE CABARET, RENE?

WE HAVE JUST LOST IT.

IN THAT CASE,
I SHALL BE OFF TO SEE

HOW POOR OLD
PIGGY'S GETTING ON.

OH, DON'T GO, GENERAL.

GRUBER,
PLAY FOR THE GENERAL.

HE'D LIKE THAT.

OH, YOU PLAY,
LIEUTENANT?

ONLY NOW AND THEN.

YOU REALLY ARE
A TALENTED FELLOW.

SHOW ME
WHAT YOU CAN DO.

RENE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER
WOULD LIKE TO PLAY.

OF COURSE, COLONEL, YES.

Gruber:
YOU WILL LIKE THIS ONE, RENE.

IT IS VERY APPROPRIATE
FOR THE CAFE.

( plays piano intro )

♪ SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪

♪ IN THE BACK ROOM
WILL HAVE ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM
I'M HAVING THE SAME ♪

♪ GO SEE WHAT THE BOYS
IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪

♪ AND GIVE THEM
THE POISON THEY NAME ♪

♪ AND WHEN I DIE ♪

♪ DON'T SPEND MY MONEY ♪

♪ ON FLOWERS
AND MY PICTURE IN A FRAME ♪

Everyone:
♪ JUST SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪

♪ IN THE BACK ROOM
WILL HAVE ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I SIGHED ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I CRIED ♪

♪ CRIED ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I DIED-- ♪

♪ OF THE SAME. ♪

BRAVO!

All: BRAVO!
Colonel: BRAVO, GRUBER!

Bertorelli:
BLUEBOTTLEY, BLUEBOTTLEY,

EVERYWHERE BLUEBOTTLEY.

IT IS I, HELGA.

HELGA, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

WHAT IS
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI DOING?

YOU CAN STOP
ACTING NOW!

I GET CARRIED AWAY
WITH THE PART.

MY PHONE'S BEEN CUT OFF.
I AM A PRISONER HERE.

HEADS WILL ROLL
FOR THIS.

WE ARE GOING TO TRY
TO GET YOU RELEASED, GENERAL.

BUT FIRST WE NEED
THE PHONE NUMBERS

OF YOUR POWERFUL
FRIENDS IN BERLIN,

TO OVERRIDE GENERAL
VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN'S ORDERS.

WHAT ORDERS?

HE AND GENERAL VON BRATWURSTEN
ARE PLANNING TO FLY TO ENGLAND

TO SNATCH CHURCHILL,

WHILE HE'S DOING
A PAINTING IN THE BOGNOR.

FOOLS!

OUR INVASION PLANS ARE IMMINENT.
THEY COULD BE JEOPARDIZED.

VON BRATWURSTEN
IS A HOTHEAD,

AND VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN
IS AN IDIOT.

YOU MUST GET ME
OUT OF HERE NOW!

I MUST PHONE BERLIN
PERSONALLY.

AND THEN I WILL DEAL
WITH VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN.

BUT HOW?

HIS TROOPS HAVE THE ORDERS
TO KEEP YOU HERE.

ARE MY MEN STILL
AT THE CHATEAU?

YES, GENERAL.

HMM...

THE WINDOWS ARE BARRED.

WE MUST GO OUT
THE WAY YOU CAME IN.

GET OFF YOUR UNIFORM.

- YES, GENERAL.
- ( Bertorelli leers )

NO, NOT YOU, HELGA.
YOU, BERTORELLI.

- HELGA, YOU CAN HELP ME.
- BUT, GENERAL--

DO AS I SAY!

I CHANGE
BEHIND THE SCREEN.

YOU COULD BE A CORPORAL
AGAIN FOR THIS.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.
BUT WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

HURRY UP!

YOU PUSHED AN IDIOT IN.
YOU'RE GOING TO WHEEL ONE OUT.

AND WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHEN I'M BACK IN COMMAND,
YOU'LL BE RELEASED.

WHAT IF YOU HAVE
THE SLIP UP?

THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO PROVE
THAT YOU'RE NOT MAD.

I COULD BE HERE
A LONG TIME.

YOU THERE,

MORE WINE!

GENERAL, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH?

NO, WHEN I WAS
IN THE CONDOR LEGION,

I COULD DRINK
10 MEN OFF THE TABLE.

AND THEY WERE REAL MEN.

HOW YOU MUST
MISS THOSE DAYS.

PERHAPS THE GENERAL
WOULD LIKE TO PAY

FOR THE OTHER
BOTTLES NOW?

PUT IT ON THE SLATE,
SWEETIE.

I'LL PAY
FOR IT LATER.

- HOW MUCH LATER?
- WHEN THE WAR IS OVER.

I WILL ORDER SOME
NEW SLATES TOMORROW.

DON'T FORGET ME,
PLEASE.

I GET ANOTHER MEDAL, YES?

YOU'RE HARDLY GOING
TO GET THE IRON CROSS

JUST FOR LENDING ME
YOUR UNIFORM.

QUICK,
PRIVATE GEERHART,

TO MY HEADQUARTERS.

AND THEN WE WILL DEAL
WITH VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN.

BLUEBOTTLEY,
BLUEBOTTLEY,

EVERYWHERE
THERE'S BLUEBOTTLIES.

MORE WINE!
MORE WINE.

THAT GENERAL IS GOING
TO BANKRUPT US

IF HE COMES HERE
MUCH MORE OFTEN.

I DO NOT LIKE HIM, RENE.

HE HAS MEAN LITTLE EYES,

AND HE IS CLEARLY
TONE DEAF.

WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW.

YOU KNOW,
THIS WINE IS NO GOOD.

YOU THERE, PEASANT,
COME HERE.

THIS PEASANT,
OR THIS PEASANT?

THE ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE.

GENERAL?

DO YOU KNOW, I WOULD
NOT BE SURPRISED

IF YOU'RE HIDING
YOUR BEST WINES FROM US?

YES, SO WHERE
IS YOUR WINE CELLAR?

I WISH TO SEE
FOR MYSELF.

I ASSURE YOU, GENERAL,
I HAVE GIVEN YOU

THE FINEST WINES
THAT I POSSESS.

SO YOU SAY.

BUT I WILL BE
THE JUDGE OF THAT, HMM?

OH, ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU MUST.

IT IS THE DOOR
IN THE PASSAGE.

BUT THERE IS NO LIGHT.

WELL THEN,
GIVE ME A CANDLE.

WE DO NOT HAVE ANY.

NO? NO CANDLES?

THEN WHAT IS THIS?

A CANDLE, GENERAL.

YES, IT'S A CANDLE.

♪ SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪

♪ IN THE BACK ROOM
WILL HAVE... ♪

WHY DID YOU LEAVE THEM THERE?!
THAT WAS DYNAMITE!

HOW WAS I TO KNOW HE WAS
GOING TO ASK FOR A CANDLE?

MOUTON CADET, EH?

ST. JULIEN.

LET US TAKE THE MONEY
FROM THE TILL,

AND LEG IT
ACROSS THE FRONTIER.

TOO LATE,
IT IS THE END.

NO ONE WILL NOTICE US.
WE CAN SLIP OUT QUIETLY.

WHERE IS GENERAL
VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN?

I'M BACK IN COMMAND.
HE'S UNDER ARREST.

IN THE CELLAR,
GENERAL.

MAY I SAY, GENERAL,

HOW RELIEVED WE ARE
TO SEE YOU?

WE HOPED OUR LITTLE PLAN
WOULD WORK.

- ( explosion )
- ( people scream )

WHAT WAS THAT EXPLOSION?

POSSIBLY
AN EXPLODING CORK.

SOME OF MY CHAMPAGNE
IS VERY OLD.

THE CANDLE EXPLODED.

IT WAS A STICK
OF DYNAMITE.

I AM SORRY,
I DID NOT INTEND TO GIVE HIM DYNAMITE.

IT WAS LEFT THERE BY
SOMEBODY I DO NOT KNOW,

TO GIVE TO SOMEBODY
I HAD NEVER HEARD OF.

YOU CARRIED OUT
OUR INSTRUCTIONS

TO THE LETTER, RENE.

YOU ARE QUITE A HERO.

THIS MAN,

AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK,

GAVE THE GENERAL
AN EXPLODING CANDLE,

TO RENDER HIM
UNABLE TO CARRY OUT

HIS MADCAP SCHEME,

WHICH COULD HAVE REFLECTED
BADLY ON YOUR COMMAND.

WHERE AM I?

WHO ARE
ALL THESE PEOPLE?

IS MY HEAD ON
THE RIGHT WAY ROUND?

TAKE THE GENERAL
TO THE HOSPITAL--

FRUITCAKE WARD--

AND RELEASE CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
QUICK MARCH.

EXCELLENT WORK.

AND YOU,
MY FINE FELLOW.

I SHALL RECOMMEND YOU
FOR A COLLABORATION MEDAL.

A COLLABORATION MEDAL?

OH MY GOD, THAT IS
THE LAST THING I NEED.

OH, RENE,
WOULD YOU LIKE ME

TO SING YOU A SONG
TO SOOTHE YOUR NERVES?

WELL, THEY DO SAY THAT--

ONE PAIN CAN
CANCEL OUT ANOTHER.

♪ FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN ♪

♪ NEVER WANTED TO... ♪

( theme music playing )