'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 7, Episode 1 - A Quiet Honeymoon - full transcript

( theme music playing )

THAT NOISE YOU CAN HEAR
IS MY WIFE EDITH

UPSTAIRS BANGING
IN THE SPARE BEDROOM

WITH MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
THE UNDERTAKER.

THEY ARE--

THEY ARE CONSTRUCTING
A SECRET COMPARTMENT

FOR US TO HIDE IN,

SHOULD THE GERMANS
EVER DISCOVER

THAT WE ARE HELPING
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY,

THE PLAN TO GET
THE AIRMEN AWAY BY BALLOON



WENT WRONG.

THE ROPES OF THE BALLOON
BECAME ACCIDENTALLY ENTANGLED

IN THE BED CONTAINING
MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

AND HER TOY
PENSIONER HUSBAND,

MONSIEUR LECLERC.

THEY WERE LAST SEEN

FLOATING AT 500 FEET
DUE SOUTH.

EDITH IS, OF COURSE,
VERY UPSET BY ALL THIS.

FORTUNATELY, I AM MADE
OF STRONGER STUFF,

AND AM MANAGING
TO CONTAIN MY GRIEF.

THE SECRET COMPARTMENT
IS FINISHED.

GOOD. I WAS
BEGINNING TO THINK

I HAD A SEVERE CASE
OF DANDRUFF.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS A DAB HAND



AT DOING IT HIMSELF.

I'M SURE HE IS.

IT'S ALL THOSE YEARS
MAKING COFFINS.

BUT I SHALL SLEEP
MORE SOUNDLY NOW,

KNOWING THAT SHOULD
THE END COME,

WE WILL BE SAFE
IN OUR SECRET COMPARTMENT,

JUST THE TWO OF US.

THE-- THE THREE OF US.

YOU WILL HAVE
TO SLIM A BIT.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

WHAT A COMFORT IT IS
TO HAVE SUCH LOYAL FRIENDS.

OH, DO NOT MENTION IT,
MADAME EDITH.

NEXT WEEK, I WILL
SEND YOU THE BILL

FOR THE WOOD,

AND THE SCREWS.

RENE, IS THERE
ANY NEWS OF MAMMA?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

I AM SO WORRIED
ABOUT HER.

TO THINK OF HER
FLOATING UP THERE IN BED

SUSPENDED UNDER A BALLOON.

SHE'S PROBABLY
FAST ASLEEP,

FLOATING ALONG
QUITE SAFELY.

OH, WHAT A COMFORT
YOUR WORDS ARE.

THERE IS ALWAYS A CHANCE
SHE WILL FORGET WHERE SHE IS

AND DECIDE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.

RENE!

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL GASP THIS
ONLY ONCE.

I HAVE BAD NEWS.

MONSIEUR LECLERC
AND MADAME FANNY

HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN
OVER ABBEVILLE.

OH NO!

ARE YOU SURE
IT WAS THEM?

HOW MANY OLD COUPLES
ARE FLOATING AROUND FRANCE

IN A BED?

PERHAPS THE SPRINGS
OF THE MATTRESS

HAVE CUSHIONED
THE LANDING.

THERE WERE NO SPRINGS
IN THE MATTRESS.

OH, WE MUST SAY
A PRAYER FOR THEM.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

DEAR LORD,
IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT,

PLEASE WATCH OVER
MY WIFE'S MOTHER

AND MONSIEUR LECLERC.

AND IF POSSIBLE,

MAKE SURE
WE GET THE BED BACK.

AMEN.

( engine noise )

WHAT WAS THAT?

THERE'S A MOTORBIKE
AND A SIDECAR.

IT'S MADAME FANNY
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC!

OH!

OH, MAMMA,

THANK HEAVEN
YOU ARE SAFE.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED?

THE BALLOON WAS HIT
BY A SHRAPNEL

BUT WE LANDED
IN A HAYSTACK.

IT WAS ERNEST
WHO SAVED THE DAY.

HE DESERVES
A HERO'S REWARD.

DO NOT TELL ME YOU HAVE
BROUGHT THE BED BACK?

NO.

HE STOLE
A MOTORBIKE

AND WE DROVE
LIKE THE WIND.

MY GOD,
DID ANYBODY SEE YOU?

ONLY THE GERMANS
WHO SHOT AT US

WHEN WE SMASHED
THROUGH THE ROADBLOCK.

I AM REVITALIZED,

I DEMAND THAT WE SIGN ON

FOR ACTIVE SERVICE
IN THE RESISTANCE.

YOU SILLY OLD FOOLS,
YOU'LL HAVE

HALF THE GERMAN ARMY
COMING HERE.

OH MY GOD,
THEY ARE HERE ALREADY.

THEY MUST NOT
FIND ME HERE.

I WILL DISAPPEAR
DOWN THE BACK PASSAGE.

I'VE JUST SUDDENLY
REMEMBERED

AN URGENT APPOINTMENT,

WITH A STIFF.

RENE, WE MUST
DENY KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT THE MOTORBIKE.

THE WANTED MOTORBIKE
OUTSIDE

WAS SEEN
ENTERING THE TOWN

DOING A WHEELIE.

WHO IS THE DRIVER?

WE WILL NOT TALK.

THEN YOU ARE ALL
UNDER ARREST.

BUT WE DO NOT
EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

SILENCE!
TAKE THEM AWAY.

AND TO THINK I PAID
FOR THE WEDDING.

( snoring )

( knocking )

WHAT IS IT, HELGA?
CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE BUSY?

THERE ARE SOME PRISONERS
OUTSIDE, COLONEL.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

BRING THEM IN.

BRING IN THE PRISONERS!

LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT,

LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT,

LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT,

LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT,

LEFT, RIGHT.
HALT!

GET OUT!

I'M SURE THERE HAS BEEN
SOME MISTAKE.

BE QUIET!

I WARN YOU, RENE,

I AM NOT
IN A GOOD MOOD.

WE'RE DOING VERY BADLY
ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT.

OH, I AM SORRY
TO HEAR THAT.

MADAME FANNY
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC

ARE CHARGED
WITH ASSAULTING A GERMAN OFFICER,

STEALING A MOTORBIKE,

FAILURE TO STOP
AT A ROADBLOCK,

AND FLYING A BED
ATTACHED TO A BALLOON

IN A MILITARY AIRSPACE.

THESE ARE
SERIOUS CHARGES.

WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY
FOR YOURSELVES?

YOU ARE A FAT PIG.

PLEASE NOTE
THAT I DO NOT WISH

TO BE ASSOCIATED
WITH ANY PERSONAL OPINIONS

OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER.

WE QUITE UNDERSTAND.

NOW, MADAME FANNY,
PERHAPS YOU COULD EXPLAIN.

GERMANS,

- I SPIT ON YOU!
- ( spits )

SHUT UP,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.

YOU WILL GET US
ALL SHOT.

DO SOMETHING,
SHE IS YOUR WIFE.

I HARDLY KNOW
THE WOMAN.

IN VIEW OF THE SERIOUSNESS
OF THESE OFFENSES,

I HAVE TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

FOR AT LEAST SEVEN DAYS.

BUT COLONEL,

THEY ARE VERY OLD.

AND THEY WERE
ON THEIR HONEYMOON.

MAKE IT 14 DAYS.

TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,
MAKE IT 21.

SO MUCH
FOR NAZI JUSTICE.

30 DAYS!

ARE YOU GOING
TO TRY FOR LIFE?

PLEASE, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
IS AN OLD LADY.

SHE HAS MOMENTS
OF INSANITY,

IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

THE BALLOON WAS
AN ACCIDENT.

AND ASSAULTING THE SENTRY?

AND STEALING A MOTORBIKE?

AND RIDING FULL SPEED
THROUGH ROADBLOCKS?

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?

SHE HAD LEFT A CAKE
IN THE OVEN.

PLEASE, COLONEL,
BE MERCIFUL.

YES, PERHAPS WE COULD

SHOW THE MAGNANIMITY
OF THE CONQUEROR.

YOU ARE RIGHT, GRUBER,

BUT I MUST MAKE
AN EXAMPLE.

GUARD!

TAKE THOSE PEOPLE
TO THE POLICE STATION.

MAKE SURE THEY GET
A COMFORTABLE CELL.

LONG LIVE FRANCE!

DOWN WITH HITLER!

SHE DID NOT MEAN THAT.

I CAN SEND
YOU THERE, AS WELL.

THEY WILL BE
MORE COMFORTABLE

ON THEIR OWN,
THANK YOU, COLONEL.

LOOK ON
THE BRIGHT SIDE,

THERE IS VERY LITTLE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

BEING MARRIED
AND BEING IN THE NICK.

Colonel:
SHUT THE DOOR!

SORRY, SORRY.

HEIL...

...WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

YOU SENT FOR ME,
HERR FLICK?

YES, HELGA.

MY SPIES INFORM ME

THAT THE OLD LADY
FROM THE CAFE

AND HER GERIATRIC HUSBAND

HAVE BEEN JAILED
FOR FLYING AN UNLICENSED BED

IN MILITARY AIRSPACE.

YOUR SPIES WORK QUICKLY,

I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO TELL YOU THIS.

I SUSPECT
THAT THE AIRBORNE BED

HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

WE MUST THEREFORE INTERROGATE
THE TWO FLYING PENSIONERS.

BUT HOW?

THEY HAVE BEEN
TAKEN TO JAIL.

I'M AWARE OF THIS,

AND HAVE THEREFORE
INSTRUCTED VON SMALLHAUSEN

TO DISGUISE HIMSELF
AS A COMMON CRIMINAL.

HE WILL
COMMIT A CRIME,

GET HIMSELF LOCKED UP
IN THE SAME CELL

AS THE OLD COUPLE,

AND INGRATIATE HIMSELF
WITH THEM.

REVEAL YOURSELF,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

( spits )

WHY DO YOU SPIT,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?

I AM GETTING INTO THE PART,
HERR FLICK.

DO NOT DO IT AGAIN,

I HAVE JUST HAD
THE FLOOR POLISHED.

WHAT CRIME WILL THIS
VERY COMMON LOOKING CRIMINAL

COMMIT, HERR FLICK?

IT IS NOT YET DECIDED.

COULD HE NOT CLIMB
INTO THE COLONEL'S OFFICE

AND STEAL
THE PETTY CASH?

THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

MY DAZZLING BRILLIANCE
IS OBVIOUSLY

RUBBING OFF ON YOU.

AS A REWARD,
YOU MAY KISS ME.

ENOUGH!

I MUST NOT SPOIL YOU.

DO I GET A KISS TOO?

VON SMALLHAUSEN,
YOU ARE NOT RAFFLES.

YOU ARE
A COMMON CRIMINAL,

AND IF I MAY SAY SO,

RATHER UPPITY.

I HAVE ODORS
TO LICK YOU UP,

BUT I AM POTTING YOU
IN A GOOD SILL.

WHAT DID HE SAY, ERNEST?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I THINK HE IS DRUNK.

I AM NOT DRINK,

I AM JUST
DOING MY DIRTY.

NOW MAKE YOURSELVES COMFY,

AND I WILL BRING YOU
A NICE POT OF TWO.

OH.

HE MEANS
A POT OF TEA.

OH, WHAT A RELIEF.

I DO NOT LIKE
BEING BANGED UP

LIKE THIS
AT MY AGE.

WE MUST GET OUT
OF HERE.

WE COULD DIG A TUNNEL

LIKE THE COUNT
OF MONTE CRISTO.

IT TOOK HIM 20 YEARS.

I WOULD BE...

...104 BY THE TIME
WE GET OUT.

YOU WILL STILL LOOK
THE SAME TO ME.

I THOUGHT YOU
WERE ONCE

ONE OF THE BEST
CRACKSMEN IN FRANCE.

A LONG TIME AGO.

TAKE THIS HAIRPIN

AND TRY YOUR LUCK
WITH THE LOCK.

AH.

WHERE IS IT?

GIVE IT TO ME.

( clears throat )

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
YOU ARE NOT

SUPPOSED TO LEAVE
YOUR SILL.

YOU WILL GET ME
INTO TRIBBLE.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

COULD WE HAVE COFFEE
INSTEAD OF TEA,

AND PERHAPS A SANDWICH?

CRIB MEAT,
SIMMON OR SARDUNE?

OH, JUST A BISCUIT
WILL DO.

GENERAL
VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN,

IRON CROSS 1st CLASS.

HOLDER OF THE
DISTINGUISHED ORDER OF THE SILVER EAGLE,

AND MEMBER OF
THE BERCHTESGADEN RAMBLERS.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL MUSSOLINI.

MUSSOLINI, HE STILL
NO GO TOO GOOD, EH?

I HAVE COME TO INFORM YOU
THAT SINCE VON KLINKERHOFFEN

SEEMS TO BE HAVING
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN,

I WILL BE TAKING CHARGE
OF THE GARRISON

UNTIL HE IS FIT TO RETURN.

WE ALL WISH HIM
A SPEEDY RECOVERY.

AND MAY I SAY,
GENERAL,

THAT IT WILL BE AN HONOR
TO SERVE UNDER YOU.

IT IS NOTED.

SO, NOW THAT
I'M IN CHARGE, COLONEL,

THERE ARE URGENT
PRIORITIES FOR US TO DISCUSS.

LIKE RECAPTURING
THE ESCAPED BRITISH AIRMEN.

THAT IS HIGH ON MY LIST,
OF COURSE,

BUT FIRST--

I THINK WE SHOULD
REDECORATE THIS ROOM.

THAT CARPET IS A DISGRACE,

AND AS FOR THE COLOR
OF THE WALLS--

UNSPEAKABLE!

HOW COULD YOU LIVE
WITH THESE PAINTINGS?

IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY.

I ADMIT THEY DO
GET UP MY NOSE.

COME, GRUBER,

PERHAPS WE COULD
STROLL AROUND,

AND SEE WHAT IS
WORTH KEEPING.

I'LL TAKE NOTES.

YES. YOU SEE,

THIS WILL HAVE
TO GO OF COURSE.

NATURALLY.

WHAT WOULD YOU PUT
IN ITS PLACE, LIEUTENANT?

A STILL LIFE,
PERHAPS,

OR ONE OF
THE IMPRESSIONISTS.

GOOD IDEA.
HUH?

PERHAPS I COULD
PERSUADE MARSHAL GOERING

TO LEND US A MONET.

YOU NO GET HIM
TO LEND YOU THE MONEY.

I HEAR HE'S VERY
TIGHTFISTED WITH THE CASH.

PEASANT.

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
MAYBE YOU'D JUST POUR US A DRINK

AND LEAVE US
TO DISCUSS THE PAINTINGS!

YOU KNOW, HUBERT,

I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE STILL
ONLY A LIEUTENANT.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING
AT YOUR WAR RECORD.

IT'S MOST IMPRESSIVE.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

YES, I HAD NOT REALIZED
THAT YOU SPENT 10 DAYS

UNDER FIRE
AT THE RUSSIAN FRONT,

TRAPPED IN A FOXHOLE
WITH NINE STORMTROOPERS.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN HELL.

I'M STILL TRYING
TO FORGET IT.

WELL, I WISH
I HAD BEEN WITH YOU.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
TO BE IN ON THE ACTION FOR A CHANGE.

DO I TAKE NOTES
OF THIS?

CERTAINLY NOT!

GENERAL.

TAKE A NOTE, PRIVATE,
CRYSTAL GLASSES.

ONE CANNOT DRINK COGNAC
OUT OF RUBBISH LIKE THIS.

THEY WERE GIVEN TO ME
BY MY MOTHER.

OH REALLY?

DID SHE GIVE YOU
THE DECANTER AS WELL?

NO.

I THOUGHT NOT,
IT LOOKS QUITE GOOD.

( laughing )

AH, RUBENS?

NOT AN ORIGINAL
OF COURSE.

WELL, I SPOTTED THAT.

NO, THE ORIGINAL HAD
A FAMOUS TITLE.

I'M TRYING
TO RECALL IT.

I GOT IT.

"LOOK, MAMA, I'VE BEEN
AT THE PASTA AGAIN."

BARBARIAN!

LIEUTENANT,

I THINK IT'S BEST
IF WE CONTINUE

THIS DISCUSSION
ELSEWHERE.

I'M JUST OFF
TO SEE POOR OLD KLINKERHOFFEN.

WILL YOU
ACCOMPANY ME?

I SHALL DRIVE YOU
IN MY LITTLE TANK.

I'M SURE
THAT WILL BE FUN.

OH, BY THE WAY,
COLONEL,

I SEE FROM
MY DAILY REPORTS

THAT YOU HAVE JAILED
AN OLD MAN

AND A WOMAN TODAY.

WELL, IT'S A VERY
SERIOUS OFFENSE

TO FLY AROUND
IN A BEDSTEAD, GENERAL.

NONSENSE.

SUCH ACTIONS WILL
MAKE US EXTREMELY UNPOPULAR.

ONE NIGHT IN JAIL
WILL BE ENOUGH.

I WANT THEM RELEASED
AT DAWN, HMM?

COME, HUBERT.

WHO DOES THAT JUMPED UP
INTERIOR DECORATOR

THINK HE IS?

COMING IN HERE
AND TAKING OVER LIKE THAT.

I AGREE.

AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS BEING VERY CRAWLY.

THAT WORD HAD
CROSSED MY MIND.

I SHALL BE GLAD
WHEN VON KLINKERHOFFEN

IS WELL ENOUGH TO RETURN.

SHALL I REMOVE
THE PAINTINGS?

NO, LEAVE IT ALONE.

THAT'S RIGHT,
THIS IS YOUR OFFICE.

IF YOU WANT THE RUBBISH
ON THE WALL,

YOU HAVE THE RUBBISH
ON THE WALL.

WHAT ABOUT THE CARPET?

LEAVE THE CARPET!

AND WHEN I RETURN

I WANT THE PAINTINGS
REMOVED,

AND A NEW CARPET
IN PLACE.

AND LET GRUBER CHOOSE,

SOMETHING WITH PINK,
PERHAPS?

I HAD THE SAME THOUGHT.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.
SEE TO IT, COLONEL.

OF COURSE, GENERAL.

JUST AS I THOUGHT.

ALL MOUTH
AND NO TROUSERS.

GET OUT!

AND WHILST YOU'RE OUT,

WHY DON'T YOU
KILL A CHICKEN,

AND GET YOUR HAT
RESTUFFED?

GOOD IDEA.

- I'LL GO AND CHASE
A BIRD OR TWO. - OOH!

CIAO!

YOUR SOUP, HERR GENERAL.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO DRINK IT?

THROUGH THIS STRAW.

HELLO?

HELLO, OPERATOR?

GET ME BERLIN
AT ONCE.

Operator:
I'll give you a line,

and you can dial
the number yourself.

YOU INCOMPETENT IDIOT,
COME BACK!

I THINK THE GENERAL
MAY BE WELL ENOUGH

TO COME OUT FOR A PERIOD
OF CONVALESCENCE.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME,

RANK AND NUMBER?
TALK TO ME.

IF YOU DO NOT REPLY, I WILL
HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED.

HE'S TALKING
TO THE FRUIT.

ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
I THINK WE'LL

KEEP HIM IN
FOR THE TIME BEING.

IS THERE
ANYONE THERE?

HELLO?

HELLO?

FISH SOUP WILL MAKE
A NICE CHANGE ON THE MENU.

IT STILL DOES NOT
SMELL VERY FISHY.

WE WILL ADD
SOME OF THIS SEAWEED.

THAT WILL GIVE IT
A BIT OF BODY.

OH, THIS WARTIME
RATIONING.

GET ME THE LEFTOVERS
FROM LUNCH.

YES. WE WILL
HAVE TO THROW IN

A TIN OF SARDINES

TO FILL IT OUT A BIT.

HOW WE EVER
GOT THREE STARS

IN THE MICHELIN GUIDE
I CANNOT IMAGINE.

( knocking )

SEE WHO THAT IS,
WILL YOU?

IT IS MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.

ARE YOU ALONE?

APART FROM YOU,
YVETTE,

AND A COUPLE
OF DEAD FISH,

YES, I AM ALONE.

THEN LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY.

I HAVE A NEW PLAN

TO GET THE BRITISH AIRMEN
BACK TO ENGLAND.

OH, WHAT A SURPRISE.

WE ARE GOING
TO ASK LONDON

FOR A LIGHT AIRCRAFT,

WHICH WILL LAND
AT NIGHT

GUIDED BY
THE HEADLIGHTS

OF MY RESISTANCE
GIRLS' BICYCLES.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE ARE
SHORT OF BATTERIES

FOR THE CYCLE LAMPS
AT THE MOMENT

BUT WE ARE ONLY IN
THE PLANNING STAGE.

I WILL NOT
HOLD MY BREATH.

I WILL GO ALONG
WITH ANYTHING,

AS LONG AS IT GETS
THE TWO AIRMEN

OUT OF MY HOUSE.

DON'T WORRY,
IT CANNOT FAIL.

BY THE WAY,
WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

HELLO, CHAPS,

EVERYTHING
TICKETY-BOO?

BANG ON.

I MUST SAY,
WE'RE DAMN GLAD

TO BE OUT OF THOSE
BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES.

WHY? WERE THEY
UNCOMFORTABLE?

CREPE DE CHINE
BRINGS ME OUT IN A RASH.

OH, NEVER MIND.

WE'LL SOON HAVE YOU
OUT OF THERE.

GOOD SHOW.

I SAY,

THAT SOUP
SMELLS GOOD.

THEY ARE HUNGRY.

THIS IS
FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.

IT DOES SMELL GOOD.

BUT IT TASTES AWFUL.

MICHELLE, ONE THING
A FRENCHMEN CANNOT STAND

IS TO HAVE SOMEBODY
INSULTING HIS BOUILLABAISSE.

OUT.

DON'T WORRY.
I'M GOING.

O-O-OH, RENE,

I LOVE IT WHEN
YOU'RE SO MASTERFUL.

HOLD ME,

SEE HOW MY LIPS
QUIVER IN ANTICIPATION?

MINE, TOO.
OH, YVETTE.

OH!

WOULDN'T IT BE NICE
IF WE COULD ESCAPE

TO ENGLAND
IN THAT AIRPLANE,

INSTEAD OF
THE BRITISH AIRMEN?

- IF ONLY WE COULD.
- RENE, KISS ME

AS YOU'VE NEVER
KISSED ME BEFORE.

THAT WILL NOT BE EASY.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HOLDING
THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

CAN YOU NOT SEE
THAT THIS POOR CHILD

HAS GOT A FISH BONE
STUCK IN HER THROAT,

FROM TASTING THE SOUP?

I WAS TRYING
TO GET IT OUT.

HERE, YVETTE,
TAKE A CHUNK OF THIS BREAD.

IT WILL HELP,
THEN GO AND LIE DOWN.

HERE, OPEN WIDE.

THERE, QUICK.
NOW DO AS HE SAYS.

HOW THOUGHTLESS I AM.

DID YOU WANT SOMETHING?

I HAVE COME TO A DECISION,

WE MUST GET MAMMA
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC OUT OF JAIL.

DO NOT BE SILLY, EDITH.

MAMMA IS NOT WELL.
HOW WILL SHE ENDURE

THE HARDSHIPS OF
PRISON LIFE?

THE ISOLATION, THE DAMP,

THE LACK OF GIN?

SHE IS ONLY
IN THE LOCAL NICK,

SHE HAS NOT BEEN SENT
TO DEVIL'S ISLAND.

NOT YET, ANYWAY.

THIS IS SO IGNOMINIOUS.

A COUPLE OF DAYS
WITH YOUR MOTHER,

AND THE GERMANS WILL
SEND HER ON PAROLE.

NO, WE MUST
GET THEM OUT.

I HAVE THOUGHT
OF A PLAN.

I DO NOT WANT
TO HEAR IT.

WE MUST BREAK THEM
OUT OF JAIL,

AND SMUGGLE THEM
INTO SPAIN.

WELL, THAT DOES
HAVE ITS MERITS.

PASS THE SALT.

THEN YOU WILL HELP?

WELL, NO, I DID NOT
EXACTLY SAY THAT.

I HAVE GOT
THE BOUILLABAISSE TO FINISH.

IT IS MY OWN SECRET RECIPE,
WHICH EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT.

YOU COWARD,

I WILL DO IT
MYSELF.

EDITH!

NOW EVERYONE WILL TALK
ABOUT YOUR SECRET RECIPE EVEN MORE.

YOU HAVE RUINED IT,
YOU STUPID WOMAN.

IT IS ALL THE FAULT
OF THOSE DAMNED AIRMEN.

WAS THAT
THE DINNER GONG?

IF IT WAS,

I THINK WE'RE
EATING OUTSIDE.

PSST!

I HAVE COME
TO COMMIT THE CRIME.

BUT IT'S BROAD DAYLIGHT.

WHY DO YOU NOT COME AT NIGHT,
LIKE A NORMAL BURGLAR?

THE GESTAPO DO NOT
PAY OVERTIME.

VERY WELL,

IN YOU GO.

I WILL GIVE YOU
ABOUT ONE MINUTE,

AND THEN I WILL COME IN
AND CATCH YOU RED-HANDED.

OH, CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
WHAT A SURPRISE.

I KISS YOUR HAND,
YOU BEAUTIFUL LADY.

I BRING YOU THESE FLOWERS.

OH, CAPTAIN,
THEY'RE LOVELY.

WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?

I KISS
THE FLOWER SELLER.

SHE GIVE ME THE FLOWERS
BEFORE SHE FAINT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CUT DOWN ON THE GARLIC.

YOU ALWAYS MAKE
THE JOKE.

( thud; metal clanging )

WHAT'S THAT?

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

( loud thud )

ME, I INVESTIGATE.

IT'S A BURGLAR.

NO!

YES.

I CATCH HIM
THE RED HANDS.

IT IS A FAIR COP.

I HAVE BEEN DONE
BANG TO RIGHTS.

OH, WELL DONE,
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.

I WILL TELEPHONE
THE POLICE.

THEY WILL TAKE HIM
OFF TO JAIL.

WHAT FOR?

THE JAIL, THEY MEAN
NOTHING TO THESE PEOPLE.

INSIDE THEY ONLY
LEARN THE BAD WAYS.

I HANDLE THIS MY WAY.

TURN AROUND.

BEND OVER.

TOUCH YOUR TOES.

HE NOT TAKE MUCH.

IT IS THE COLONEL'S
PETTY CASH.

HE MUST GO TO JAIL.

HE'S ONLY THE SMALL-FRY.
WE SHOULD GIVE HIM A BREAK.

I AM A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL.

I MUST BE PUNISHED.

RUBBISH.

COME, I GIVE YOU
THE BUM'S RUSH.

AARGHH!

COME BACK
WHEN YOU'RE BIGGER.

THAT'S THE WAY
TO HANDLE THEM.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO INTERFERE?

BECAUSE I'VE GOT
MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.

HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME,

SITTING IN THE BACK ROW
OF THE PICTURES,

FOR A BIT OF THE SLAP
AND THE TICKLE?

OOOH.

WHY WAIT UNTIL THEN?

WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.

( knocking )

- ARGH!
- OOOH!

RENE, IT IS YOU.

WHAT RISKS YOU TAKE
TO BE WITH ME.

LESS OF A RISK
THAN USUAL.

I FOUND THIS NOTE
ON EDITH'S PILLOW.

Edith's Voice:
"DEAR COWARDLY HUSBAND,

I HAVE GONE WITH MIMI
TO RESCUE MAMMA.

IF I DO NOT COME BACK,
THINK WELL OF ME,

EDITH.

KISS. KISS. KISS."

THE IDIOT, SHE WILL
GET US ALL SHOT.

LISTEN, SOMEONE IS
COMING UP THE STAIRS.

OH MY GOD.

IT IS THE GERMANS.

THEY HAVE MONSIEUR LECLERC
AND MADAME FANNY.

IT MUST MEAN THEY
HAVE MADE THEM TALK. WE ARE DONE FOR.

WE HAVE
BUST THEM OUT!

WE USED
A FORGED DOCUMENT,

THEN THE IDIOT,
CRABTREE, LET THEM GO.

NOW YOU HAVE DONE IT.

THE GERMANS WILL
BE AFTER THEM.

WE WILL
HIDE THEM.

THEY WILL LOOK
EVERYWHERE.

WE WILL USE
THE SECRET COMPARTMENT

IN THE SPARE
BEDROOM.

COME.

NOW, MAMMA,
YOU GET INTO BED

WITH MONSIEUR LECLERC.

ALL I WANTED WAS
A QUIET HONEYMOON.

WHAT KIND OF A SECRET
HIDING PLACE IS THIS?

THE GERMANS ARE BOUND
TO LOOK IN THE BED.

NOW, MAMMA,

TURN THE BEDKNOB
AT THE TOP TO THE LEFT.

WHAT DOES IT DO?

I HAVE NO TIME
TO EXPLAIN.

DO IT!

Both:
AARGHH!

OH MY GOD!

IT LOOKED LIKE TWO BATS,
HIBERNATING.

RENE,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER

HAS JUST ENTERED
THE CAFE.

HE'S COMING UPSTAIRS.

YOU COULD NOT EVEN
LOCK THE DOOR?

HE MUST BE
SEARCHING FOR THEM.

- QUICK, INTO THE WARDROBE.
- WHY?

YOU ARE BOTH DRESSED
AS GERMAN SOLDIERS.

OH, I HAD FORGOTTEN.

THE STRAIN OF THIS WAR.

COME.

( gasps )

- RENE?
- DOOR, DOOR.

- RENE, IT'S ONLY ME.
- IN HERE, LIEUTENANT.

I HAVE COME TO GIVE YOU
SOME GOOD NEWS, RENE.

YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC

HAVE BEEN PARDONED.

THEY ARE BEING
RELEASED ABOUT NOW.

( banging )

WHAT IS THAT
STRANGE NOISE?

WE HEAR IT EVERY MORNING.

IT IS THE, UH... RESTLESS SPIRIT
OF MY POOR DEAD BROTHER,

THE ONE YOU SHOT.

DO NOT REMIND ME.

HOW LONG HAS THIS--

GHASTLY PHENOMENON
BEEN GOING ON?

FOR WEEKS.

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO EXORCISE IT.

EXCUSE ME.

TU DOMINOS
BENEDICTINE,

BENEDECOS
SPIRITUS SCARPOS.

( knocking )

I THINK I AM
GETTING TO IT.

RENE, I...

DO NOT THINK MY CONSCIENCE
CAN STAND IT.

QUICK, YVETTE,
TAKE THE LIEUTENANT DOWNSTAIRS.

GIVE HIM A BRANDY,
ON THE HOUSE.

( knocking; screaming )

ON SECOND THOUGHT,

I THINK I WILL RETURN
TO MY QUARTERS.

GO NOW, BEFORE IT COMES
THROUGH THE WALL.

IF IT DOES,

DO NOT TELL IT
WHERE I LIVE.

YOU HEARD THAT?

YOUR MOTHER
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC HAVE BEEN PARDONED.

THIS WAS ALL
A WASTE OF TIME.

NOW HOW DO WE GET
THIS BED DOWN?

IT CAN ONLY BE DONE
FROM THE INSIDE,

BY TURNING THE KNOB
THE OTHER WAY.

THEN WHY DO THEY
NOT TURN IT?

PERHAPS BECAUSE
THE KNOB HAS FALLEN OFF,

WHEN THE BED
SPRANG UP.

WONDERFUL.

SO MUCH FOR DO-IT-YOURSELF
HIDING PLACES.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO HAVE A DRINK
AND THEN TO BED.

WHAT ABOUT MAMMA
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC?

HE WANTED
A QUIET HONEYMOON,

NOW HE CAN HAVE ONE.

( theme music playing )