'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 7, Episode 3 - Fleeing Monks - full transcript

( theme music playing )

OH,

YOU SEE ME
ALL DRESSED UP,

LIKE A BALDING PENGUIN,

BECAUSE THIS MORNING

I HAVE BEEN SUMMONED
TO THE COLONEL'S OFFICE

TO RECEIVE
A COLLABORATION MEDAL,

FROM GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

THE GENERAL IS
UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT I HELPED
LIEUTENANT GRUBER

AND THE COLONEL
BLOW UP HIS RIVAL,



GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN,

WITH A STICK OF DYNAMITE,

WHICH HE HAD PICKED UP
IN MISTAKE FOR A CANDLE,

TO GO AND SEARCH
IN MY CELLAR

FOR A BETTER QUALITY
BOTTLE OF WINE.

THERE WAS A HUGE BANG--

HE LOST HIS SENSES,

I LOST 42 CASES
OF CHEAP PLONK.

I AM NOW A HERO
TO THE GERMANS,

BUT IF I COLLECT
THIS COLLABORATION MEDAL,

I WILL BE VERY UNPOPULAR
IN THE VILLAGE.

IT IS A SERIOUS
PROBLEM FOR ME.

I AM CAUGHT BETWEEN THE DEVIL
AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA.

OH, RENE, RENE,
IT IS DREADFUL.



THE WHOLE VILLAGE KNOWS
THAT YOU ARE GOING

TO GET A MEDAL
FROM THE GERMANS.

OH MY GOD!

THEY WOULD NOT
SERVE ME IN THE SHOPS.

THEY CALLED ME THE WIFE
OF A COLLABORATOR.

LOOK,

EVEN THE PIGEONS
WERE OUT TO GET ME.

AH, MONSIEUR,

IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

THEY HAVE THREATENED
TO BURN DOWN THE CAFE.

EVEN A LYNCHING
HAS BEEN MENTIONED.

ALL RIGHT, YOU DO NOT
HAVE TO RUB IT IN.

ONE MUST MAKE
PREPARATIONS, MONSIEUR.

DO YOU HAVE ANY REQUESTS

FOR THE WORDING
ON YOUR TOMBSTONE?

THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

"THAT IS RIDIC--"

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT I AM
NOT A COLLABORATOR!

THEY DO NOT MEAN ALL
THESE THINGS THEY ARE SAYING.

( everyone screams )

GOOD GRIEF!

THAT COULD HAVE
KILLED ME!

I THINK THAT WAS
THE INTENTION.

THERE IS A NOTE
ON THE BRICK.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"NEXT TIME OUR AIM
WILL BE BETTER."

OH, RENE,
WHAT SHALL WE DO?

I DO NOT WANT
TO BECOME A WIDOW.

IT IS SO AGING.

CALM YOURSELF, EDITH.

THIS MUST BE
SOME BIG MISTAKE.

RENE,
THE POSTMAN GAVE ME A PARCEL FOR YOU.

FOR ME?
IS IT TICKING?

NO.

THROW IT AWAY, MIMI.
IT COULD BE ANYTHING.

I AM NOT AFRAID.

I WILL OPEN IT.

AHHH!

MY GOD!
AN HANGMAN'S NOOSE.

NO, RENE,

IT IS THE DETACHABLE TIE
I ORDERED FOR YOU.

IT IS IDEAL
FOR SOUP STAINS.

SEE, YOU JUST DETACH
THE TIE LIKE THIS,

AND FIX ON ONE
OF THE SPARES.

I HAVE NO TIME
FOR THAT.

THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL
IN MY BUSINESS.

I'M ALWAYS
SPLASHING MY TIE.

THERE,
THEN YOU HAVE IT.

AH!

OH, YVETTE!
DO NOT DO THAT. WHAT IS IT?

MICHELLE IS
IN THE BACK ROOM.

SHE WISHES TO SPEAK
TO YOU, URGENTLY.

WHAT DOES SHE WANT NOW?

MIMI, YVETTE, CLEAR UP
THIS BROKEN GLASS WOULD YOU?

I HAVE BROUGHT THIS
FOR YOU, RENE.

NOT ANOTHER PARCEL.

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

THERE ARE MONKS' OUTFITS,

TO DISGUISE
THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

WHAT?

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

THE LIGHT AIRCRAFT
FROM LONDON

WILL BE ARRIVING SHORTLY
TO PICK UP THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DISGUISE
THEMSELVES AS MONKS?

IS THAT NOT OBVIOUS?

THERE IS A CURFEW
IN THE VILLAGE.

HOWEVER, THE MONKS

FROM THE MONASTERY
OF ST. CRISPIN THE SILENT

HAVE PERMISSION TO BREAK
THE CURFEW,

FOR THEIR MIDNIGHT VIGIL

TO CELEBRATE THE ONE OCCASION
ST. CRISPIN SPOKE.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

GOODBYE.

THERE ARE THREE MONK''
COSTUMES HERE.

THREE?
BUT THERE ARE ONLY TWO BRITISH AIRMEN.

THE THIRD IS FOR RENE.
HE WILL ACCOMPANY

THE AIRMEN TO MAKE SURE
THEY FIND THE RIGHT FIELD.

IT IS OUT
OF THE QUESTION!

I HAVE ENOUGH
PROBLEMS AS IT IS.

A BRICK HAS
JUST BEEN THROWN THROUGH MY WINDOW,

BECAUSE I AM
GETTING A GERMAN COLLABORATORS METAL.

THEN YOU MUST NOT
ACCEPT IT.

IT IS EASIER
SAID THAN DONE.

YOU MUST
TELL EVERYBODY

THAT I AM
LOYAL FRIEND TO THE RESISTANCE.

WELL, IF YOU HELP
THE RESISTANCE,

I WILL DO MY BEST
TO SAVE YOUR WINDOWS.

AND IF I DO NOT?

EXPECT A BRICK FROM ME.

I DO NOT SEEM
TO HAVE MUCH CHOICE.

BUT THEY WILL
STILL LYNCH ME IF I GET THE COLLABORATION MEDAL.

AND IF I REFUSE IT,
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

WILL IMMEDIATELY SUSPECT
THAT I AM WORKING

FOR THE RESISTANCE
AND HAVE ME SHOT.

EITHER WAY, MONSIEUR,
YOU'RE DONE FOR.

WHATEVER THEY DO,
YOU CAN REST ASSURED,

YOU WILL BE BURIED
WITH FULL RESISTANCE HONORS.

OH, THAT IS A GREAT COMFORT.

WILL YOU STOP
DOING THAT?

OH, RENE,
MICHELLE IS RIGHT.

YOU MUST REFUSE
THE MEDAL.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, EDITH.
I AM DUE THERE ANY MINUTE.

WHAT GROUNDS DO I HAVE FOR--

- UNLESS...
- WHAT IS IT?

YES, MICHELLE HAS
GIVEN ME AN IDEA.

IF THE RESISTANCE
CANNOT HELP ME,

MAYBE ST. CRISPIN CAN.

ST. CRISPIN?

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

HE IS CRACKING UP ALREADY
UNDER THE STRAIN.

HE HAS NOT SAID A PRAYER

SINCE THE NIGHT
OF OUR HONEYMOON.

I HAVE A TERRIBLE
HEADACHE, GRUBER.

I'M TOO OLD FOR ALL
THIS DRINKING.

COLONEL,
RENE FROM THE CAFE

IS HERE FOR THE MEDAL
PRESENTATION.

OH, VERY WELL,
SHOW HIM IN.

( shouts )
GUARDS!

NOT SO LOUD, HELGA.

THE COLONEL HAS A HANGOVER.

( quietly )
BRING HIM IN HERE.

( loudly )
GO AWAY!

RENE, WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING

DRESSED UP AS A MONK?

I HAVE COME TO TELL YOU

I CANNOT ACCEPT
THE COLLABORATION MEDAL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
RENE?

YOU HAVE NOT REALLY
BECOME A MONK, HAVE YOU?

I HAVE RENOUNCED
MY FORMER LIFE,

AND I AM FORBIDDEN
BY MY VOWS

TO ACCEPT
ANY WORLDLY GOODS,

BECAUSE I HAVE JOINED THE ORDER
OF ST. CRISPIN THE SILENT.

FOR A SILENT MONK,

YOU'RE DOING
AN AWFUL LOT OF TALKING.

I AM ONLY A NOVICE.

BUT I AM THINKING OF GIVING
MY LIFE TO THE CAUSE.

A VOICE HAS
WHISPERED IN MY EAR

THAT I SHOULD LIVE APART
FROM SOCIETY,

WITH OTHER MEN
OF THE SAME PERSUASION.

YES, I CAN SEE THAT

MIGHT HAVE ITS ATTRACTIONS.

BUT SURELY THIS
IS A BIT DRASTIC?

IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

AND IS THIS ROUGH CLOTH
NOT UNCOMFORTABLE?

THERE ARE NO COMFORTS
IN THE MONASTERY, LIEUTENANT.

I AM ALREADY LATE
FOR SCOURGING.

I'M NOT SURE THAT
BECOMING A MONK, RENE,

IS ADEQUATE EXCUSE
FOR REFUSING A MEDAL.

PLEASE, COLONEL,
IF I GET THAT MEDAL,

NOT ONLY
WILL I BREAK MY VOWS,

BUT THE PEOPLE OF NOUVION
WILL ASSASSINATE ME

AS A COLLABORATOR.

- NO!
- YES!

THERE HAVE BEEN
THREATS ALREADY.

COLONEL,
PERHAPS WE SHOULD RECONSIDER THIS.

AFTER ALL, RENE
HAS DONE US MANY FAVORS.

DO NOT MENTION THAT.

THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO.

THEY WILL BURN DOWN MY CAFE,
AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE

NOWHERE TO GO FOR ENTERTAINMENT
IN THE EVENINGS.

NO MORE FUN
WITH THE GIRLS,

NO MORE WET CELERY.

WHAT ABOUT THE EGG WHISK?

YOU ARE RIGHT, GRUBER.
THIS IS SERIOUS.

WE MUST THINK OF A WAY
TO GET GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

TO CHANGE HIS MIND
ABOUT THE MEDAL.

LIE LOW FOR A WHILE, RENE.

IF MONASTERY LIFE
BECOMES TOO HARD,

YOU CAN COME AND STAY
IN MY ROOM AT THE CHATEAU.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

LET US HOPE IT DOES NOT
COME TO THAT.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS HERE, COLONEL.

PLEASE, LIEUTENANT,
DO NOT EXPOSE ME.

I MUST NOT
RECEIVE THAT MEDAL.

DO NOT WORRY, RENE,
LEAVE THIS TO ME.

- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.

WHO IS THE OLD MAN
IN THE DRESSING GOWN?

HE IS A MONK, GENERAL,

COLLECTING FOR THE LOCAL
MONASTERY RESTORATION FUND.

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO DONATE SOMETHING?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, GRUBER.

THE GERMAN ARMY
DOESN'T GIVE TO THE CHURCH,

IT TAKES FROM IT.

YOU FACE IS FAMILIAR.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

HE'S A SILENT MONK,
HE CANNOT SPEAK.

GET OUT!

OUT!

WE ARE RUNNING A WAR HERE,
NOT A CHARITY!

YES, GENERAL.

GOOD GOD, COLONEL,
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS ROOM?

WHAT IS THIS
GHASTLY CARPET

AND THESE
AWFUL PICTURES?

IT WAS GENERAL
VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN'S IDEA.

IT LOOKS LIKE A BORDELLO.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT,
BUT I COULDN'T SAY SO.

GRUBER CHOSE THE PAINTINGS,

AND THE COLOR OF THE CARPET.

HE WAS VERY CRAWLY.

I WAS ONLY
ACTING UNDER ORDERS.

HMM.

NOW, WHERE IS THE BRAVE
FRENCH PEASANT

WHO IS TO RECEIVE
THE COLLABORATION MEDAL?

I AM AFRAID HE IS NOT
WELL ENOUGH TO ATTEND.

THE EXPLOSION WHICH BLEW UP
GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN,

LEFT HIM IN RATHER
A BAD STATE OF SHOCK.

PERHAPS IT'S AS WELL
HE IS NOT HERE AT PRESENT.

I HAVEN'T YET RECEIVED
PERMISSION FROM BERLIN

TO GIVE THE AWARD.

BUT I AM EXPECTING
AUTHORIZATION ANY MOMENT.

OKAY, I'M BACK.

YOU MUST ALL BE GLAD
TO SEE ME, NO?

ALL:
NO.

I HAD THE VERY TOUGH TIME
IN THE HOSPITAL.

IT IS NO EASY PLAYING
THE FRUITCAKE, YOU KNOW.

IT SHOULDN'T BE
DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

SO WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE GENERAL

FLOCKEN-WHAT'S-HIS-NAME?

STUFFEN.

WAS HE?

THAT'S TOUGH LUCK.

NOW THAT I AM
BACK IN CHARGE,

I WANT ONE THING TO BE
ABSOLUTELY CLEAR.

WE ARE NOT
ON HOLIDAY HERE.

I WILL NOT
TOLERATE SLACKING.

IT THAT CLEAR?

YES, GENERAL.

GOOD.

COLONEL, GET THIS ROOM
REDECORATED,

AND THIS TIME,
YOU CHOOSE THE COLORS.

I'LL MAKE IT LOOK
VERY MANLY.

- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.

HEIL MUSSOLINI.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR DROPPING ME IN IT.

IT WAS A PLEASURE.

( knocking )

SEE WHO IT IS,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

IF THEY ARE
SELLING ANYTHING,

TELL THEM TO GO AWAY
OR WE WILL HAVE THEM SHOT.

YES, HERR FLICK.

IT IS HELGA.

I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
SOME INTELLIGENCE, HERR FLICK.

AND WHAT IS
THIS INTELLIGENCE?

THE OWNER OF THE CAFE
IN THE SQUARE, RENE ARTOIS,

HAS BECOME A MONK,

AND HAS JOINED THE HOLY ORDER
OF ST. CRISPIN THE SILENT.

THIS IS
MOST INTERESTING, HELGA.

NOW,

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

I HAVE AN IDEA.

I HOPE IT IS
A SENSIBLE IDEA.

PERHAPS HE HAS TIRED
OF THE MATERIAL WORLD,

AND WISHES TO FIND SOLACE

IN THE SIMPLE LIFE
OF BEADS AND EMBROIDERY?

THE PEACE AND TRANQUILITY
OF THE MONASTERY,

BIRDS SINGING,
MATINS BEING SUNG,

THE SOFT TAPPING OF SANDALS
IN THE CLOISTERS.

THAT IS ONE
OF THE LONGEST IDEAS

I HAVE EVER HEARD.

YOU ARE A NINCOMPOOP,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

BUT IS IT NOT POSSIBLE,
HERR FLICK?

WE ARE ALL FAMILIAR
WITH RENE ARTOIS.

I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT A MAN
WITH HIS EARTHY APPETITES

WOULD WILLINGLY GO
INTO A MONASTERY

WHERE THE MONKS
FAST REGULARLY,

WEAR VERY ITCHY CLOTHES

AND ARE PERMANENTLY
DEPRIVED OF NOOKY.

PARTICULARLY AS RENE ARTOIS
LIKES A BIT OF HANKY-PANKY

WITH HIS TWO WAITRESSES.

BOTH OF THEM?

HE IS NOT KNOWN AS
"MENAGE ARTOIS" FOR NOTHING.

MY KEEN ANALYTICAL MIND
TELLS ME THAT THIS

HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

YOU COULD BE RIGHT,
HERR FLICK.

WHAT BETTER PLACE
TO HIDE THEM

THAN IN A MONASTERY

WHERE THEY CAN MINGLE,
UNNOTICED, WITH THE MONKS?

VON SMALLHAUSEN,

YOU WILL ACQUIRE FOR US
TWO MONKS' OUTFITS.

ONE MEDIUM SIZED
ONE FOR ME,

ONE MIDGET SIZED
ONE FOR YOU.

WE WILL ENTER
THE MONASTERY

AND SNIFF AROUND.

HERR FLICK,
IF YOU GO INTO THE MONASTERY,

WILL YOU NOT TOO
BE ON SHORT RATIONS

AS FAR AS NOOKY
IS CONCERNED?

YOU ARE RIGHT, HELGA.

IF I AM TO RENOUNCE
THESE PLEASURES,

WE HAD BETTER HAVE
A FINAL SNOG NOW.

WON'T I BE ON

SHORT RATIONS
TOO, HERR FLICK?

OWING TO YOUR SIZE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,

YOU ARE ALWAYS
ON SHORT RATIONS.

GO BEHIND THE SCREEN.

AND NO PEEPING!

YOU MAY KISS ME NOW, HELGA.

I SAID NO PEEPING.

( hammering )

- RENE!
- AH!

IT IS ME, LOUISE.

DO NOT DO THAT.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH SHOCKS
ALREADY TODAY.

OH, RENE, IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

HOLD ME.

OH, MY DEAR, I NEED
ALL THE FRIENDS I CAN GET.

WHAT IS THAT I
FEEL BETWEEN US?

OH, IT'S ONLY MY PISTOL
AND A COUPLE OF HAND GRENADES.

THAT IS A RELIEF.

OH, RENE.

IT IS SUCH A PITY
WE HAVE TO PART THIS WAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU ARE A COLLABORATOR.

THE GERMANS ARE
GIVING YOU A MEDAL.

THE GIRLS OF
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE

HAVE DRAWN STRAWS TO DECIDE
WHO SHOULD EXECUTE YOU.

EXECUTE ME?
BUT I HAVE NOT YET RECEIVED THAT MEDAL!

THE SENTENCE
HAS BEEN PASSED, RENE.

I MUST DO IT.

OH, YOU CANNOT
JUST SHOOT ME HERE.

I WILL DROP DOWN
AND RUIN MY COBBLES.

CAN YOU NOT
JUST LET ME OFF?

IT IS TERRIBLE
FOR ME TOO, RENE.

I SHALL KILL MYSELF
IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS.

WELL, THAT IS NO
CONSOLATION FOR ME.

PLEASE, I HAVE ALWAYS
LOVED YOU, DENISE.

- LOUISE.
- LOUISE, SORRY.

NO, NO, NO. FOR THE SAKE
OF THE PAST, SPARE ME.

OH, RENE.

MY LOVE FOR YOU
IS TOO STRONG.

I WILL GIVE YOU 24 HOURS
TO LEAVE TOWN.

THEN I WILL
COME AFTER YOU.

WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT
IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.

GOODBYE, RENE.

AND GOOD LUCK.

THESE THREATS WILL BE
THE DEATH OF ME.

RENE, YOU ARE TREMBLING.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

LOUISE OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE

HAS GIVEN ME 24 HOURS
TO LEAVE TOWN,

AND THEN SHE IS GOING
TO SHOOT ME.

OH, RENE, NO!

AH, YVETTE, YOU HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN A COMFORT.

THE WORLD SEEMS
TO BE GUNNING FOR ME.

MY HEART IS POUNDING
WITH WORRY.

AND MINE IS POUNDING
IN SYMPATHY.

FEEL IT.

I WILL TAKE
YOUR WORD FOR THAT.

OH, RENE, WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO?

I DO NOT KNOW.

IF ONLY WE COULD FLEE
TO ENGLAND IN THAT PLANE

IN PLACE OF
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TONIGHT.

YVETTE, I WOULD NEED
AN OVERPOWERING REASON

TO DOUBLE-CROSS
THE RESISTANCE

AND LEAVE
THE AIRMEN BEHIND.

BUT IF YOU
DO NOT ESCAPE,

YOU WILL BE SHOT.

THAT IS
AN OVERPOWERING REASON.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

I WILL THINK
OF SOMETHING.

IN THE MEANTIME,

WE MUST GET AN EXTRA
MONK'S COSTUME

FOR YOU TO AVOID
THE CURFEW.

WHERE AM I GOING
TO GET THAT?

GO TO THE POLICE STATION,
ASK OFFICER CRABTREE

TO CONTACT MICHELLE

AND GET AN EXTRA ONE
FROM HER.

BUT WHAT EXCUSE
SHALL I GIVE?

SAY THE ONE MICHELLE
GAVE ME WAS TOO SMALL.

OH, RENE,
YOU ARE SO CLEVER.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOLDING

THAT SERVANT GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

CAN YOU NOT SEE?

THIS POOR CHILD
IS DISTRESSED

BECAUSE OF ALL THE THREATS
I HAVE BEEN RECEIVING

AND THE WAY THAT THEY
WORRY MY BELOVED WIFE.

THAT IS YOU, EDITH.

NOW, THERE,
THERE, CHILD.

GO ON, GO AND LIE DOWN
IN A DARKENED ROOM.

OH, WHAT LOYALTY.

FORGIVE ME, RENE,
I AM NOT MYSELF.

ALL THESE THREATS HAVE
MADE ME WOBBLY ALL OVER.

- HOLD ME TIGHT.
- AH!

IF ONLY THERE WAS
SOME WAY OF SAVING YOU.

THERE IS.

I AM GOING
TO ENGLAND TONIGHT

WITH THE AIRMEN.

OH, RENE, TO ENGLAND?

IT IS THE ONLY SOLUTION.

YOU ARE RIGHT.
I WILL COME WITH YOU.

WHAT?

MY PLACE IS BY YOUR SIDE.

NOW, NOW, EDITH,
DO NOT BE HASTY.

NO, NO, YOU MUST--

YOU MUST STAY HERE
AND LOOK AFTER THE CAFE,

UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER.

YOU MUST STAY HERE
AND KEEP THE BUSINESS GOING.

OF COURSE I WILL.
YOU CAN RELY ON ME.

RENE, THIS MAY BE
OUR LAST EVENING TOGETHER

FOR GOODNESS KNOWS
HOW LONG.

SHOULD WE NOT MAKE IT
AN OCCASION TO REMEMBER?

THAT IS
A NICE THOUGHT, EDITH,

BUT IF I AM GOING
TO BE A MONK TONIGHT,

I HAD BETTER
GET INTO THE HABIT.

I WILL JUST GO
AND PRACTICE

SCOURGING MYSELF.

( sheep bleating )

Flick:
THIS MUST BE IT.

Smallhausen:
WHAT DOES THE SIGN SAY?

"THE HOLY ORDER
OF ST. CRISPIN THE SILENT.

IF YOU ARE TIRED OF SIN,
COME INSIDE."

AND WHAT HAS SOMEONE
SCRAWLED UNDERNEATH?

"IF YOU ARE NOT
TIRED OF SIN,

PHONE NOUVION 346,
AND ASK FOR BETTY."

PUT ALL THOUGHT OF SIN

FROM YOUR MIND,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

WE MUST ACT
THE PART OF MONKS.

( bell rings )

YES, HERR FLICK.

DO NOT CALL ME
HERR FLICK.

I AM BROTHER OTTO NOW.

AH, GOOD DAY, BROTHERS.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

AND WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO OUR MONASTERY?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS
A SILENT ORDER?

WE ARE SILENT BETWEEN
THE BELLS OF 6:00 AND 12:00.

WE ARE TRAVELING MONKS
WHO HAVE TIRED OF THE ROAD,

AND WE WISH TO FIND
SOLITUDE IN YOUR ORDER.

FIRST, YOU MUST AGREE
TO ABIDE BY THE RULES

OF THE MONASTERY,
AND TO FOLLOW,

AT ALL TIMES,

THE VOWS OF POVERTY,
CHASTITY,

OBEDIENCE AND SILENCE--

BETWEEN THE BELLS.

WE AGREE.

VERY WELL.

HAVE YOU ANY MONEY

OR WORLDLY GOODS
ON YOU?

A FEW COINS,
THAT IS ALL.

HAND THEM OVER.

AND YOUR SPECTACLES.

OUR SPECTACLES?

THEY ARE WORLDLY FRIPPERIES,

UNBECOMING IN MEN OF GOD.

BUT I CANNOT SEE
WITHOUT THEM.

ST. CRISPIN WILL GUIDE YOU.

( glasses shatter )

YOU MUST HAVE
YOUR HEADS SHAVED TOO.

WE HAVE ALREADY
SHAVED THEM.

COMPLETELY.

EVERY HAIR ON THE BODY
MUST BE REMOVED

SO YOU ARE TRULY NAKED
BEFORE YOUR MAKER.

THE MONASTERY BARBER,
BROTHER SWEENY,

WILL ATTEND TO YOU.

BUT FIRST,
A LITTLE REFRESHMENT

AFTER YOUR JOURNEY.

GOOD, I'M PECKISH.

YOUR RATION
IS A SLICE OF BREAD

AND A PIECE OF CHEESE.

PER MEAL?

PER DAY.
WE DO NOT BELIEVE

IN PAMPERING
THE BODY.

( bell tolls )

YOU HAVE ARRIVED
JUST IN TIME.

IT IS THE HOUR OF SCOURGING.

( bell jingles )

ALL MONKS MUST DISCIPLINE
THEMSELVES ONCE A DAY.

GIVE ME THE WHIP, FATHER,

WE WILL DO IT LATER.

NO, IN HONOR
OF YOUR ARRIVAL,

ON THIS OCCASION,
I WILL DO IT FOR YOU.

TAKE THEM
TO THE SCOURGING ROOM.

THIS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

OH, RENE,

JUST THINK,
IN A FEW HOURS,

WE WILL BE TOGETHER
FOR ALL TIME.

AH, YVETTE.

( footsteps approach )
SOMEBODY IS COMING.

GOOD MOANING.

OH, IT IS YOU.

WHAT WERE YOU
DOING UPSTAIRS?

I HAVE JUST DELOOVERED

THE EXTRA MINK'S DISGEESE
FOR YOU.

IT IS BOGGER
THAN THE ITHER ONE.

WHERE HAVE YOU PUT IT?

UNDER THE BOD
OF YOUR MITHER-IN-LOW,

WHERE NO ONE WILL FOND IT.

GOOD.

WEIR ARE THE EARMEN?

THEY ARE IN THE KITCHEN.

TICK ME TO THEM.

I MUST GIVE THEM
A MASSAGE FROM MICHELLE.

I SAY, CARSTAIRS,

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE
WE OVERDID

THE STARCH A BIT,
DO YOU?

HELLO, CHAPS.

Both:
HELLO.

HOW'S IT ALL GOING?

NOT VERY WELL.

I JUST CAN'T GET
THESE STAINS SHIFTED.

LISTEN, CHAPS,
THIS IS THE PLAN.

THERE'S A PLANE COMING OVER
FROM BLIGHTY TONIGHT.

YOU'LL BE DISGUISED AS MONKS
TO GET YOU OUT OF THE VILLAGE,

AND THE PLANE
WILL PICK YOU UP

IN A FIELD
AT EXACTLY MIDNIGHT.

HOW WILL WE
FIND THE FIELD?

RENE, HERE,

WILL BE IN THE PROCESSION
OF MONKS WITH YOU.

HE WILL SHOW YOU
THE FIELD.

RIGHT-O,
GOOD SHOW.

BUT IN CASE
YOU GET SEPARATED,

AT ABOUT A QUARTER
TO MIDNIGHT,

THE PROCESSION SHOULD PASS
A FOOTPATH BY A WAYSIDE SHRINE.

TAKE THAT PATH,
AND IT WILL LEAD YOU TO THE RENDEZVOUS.

OH, SPLENDID.

RIGHT, LET'S
SYNCHRONIZE WATCHES.

IT IS EXACTLY 4:30--

NOW.

GOT IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE ARE JUST
SONCHRONOOZING WITCHES.

YOU WILL LEAVE
THE PROCESSION OF MINKS

AT 11 FARTY-FIVE,

AND TIK THE EARMEN
TO THE FOLD.

I AM JUST
GIVING THEM THE TEAMS,

SO IF SOMETHING
HIPPENS TO YOU,

THEY CAN GO ALOON.

WELL, TELL THEM
I WANT THOSE SHEETS

HUNG OUT BEFORE WE GO.

HE WANT THE SHEETS
OUT ON THE LINE, CHAPS.

WILCO.

GIVE ME A HAND,
WILL YOU, FAIRFAX?

I KEEP GETTING THINGS
CAUGHT IN THE MANGLE.

I WILL GOO OUT
THE BICK WAY, TOO.

GOOD LICK TOONIT, RONNIE.

HOW ARE WE GOING
TO PREVENT THE AIRMEN

GETTING TO THE AIRCRAFT
BEFORE US?

I KNOW.

I WILL PUT
THE AIRMEN'S WATCH BACK BY 10 MINUTES.

THAT SHOULD
CONFUSE THEM,

AND THEY WILL MISS
THE PATH TO THE FIELD.

OH, YVETTE,
THAT IS WICKED, WICKED!

BETTER PUT IT BACK
BY 20 MINUTES,

TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

THAT'S IT.
NOW--

YOU GO UPSTAIRS
TO THE ATTIC,

AND COLLECT
THE MONK'S COSTUME

AFTER I HAVE GONE
WITH THE AIRMEN.

THEN RUN LIKE HELL

AND JOIN ME AT THE BACK
OF THE PROCESSION.

OH, RENE,

ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

OH, I KNOW,
I KNOW.

JUST THINK,

AT MIDNIGHT, WE SHOULD
BE FLYING TO ENGLAND.

AND BY DAWN, PERHAPS
WE WILL BE IN HEAVEN.

OR AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE ENGLISH CHANNEL.

HERE IS YOUR SUPPER, MAMMA.

OH, EDITH,

SOMETHING FUNNY
IS GOING ON.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO MY NIGHTCAP?

NEVER MIND, MAMMA.
IT IS THE STARCH.

IT COULD BE USEFUL
IF THERE IS AN AIR RAID.

WHO IS DOING
THE LAUNDRY?

THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
RENE HAS PUT THEM TO WORK.

BUT LOOK
AT MY NIGHTDRESS.

EVERYTHING IS SO STIFF.

DID SOMEONE CALL?

OH, MAMMA, SOMETHING
TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

RENE IS HAVING TO FLEE
TO ENGLAND,

BECAUSE EVERYBODY THINKS
HE IS A COLLABORATOR.

AND ARE YOU NOT
GOING TOO?

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE, MAMMA.

IN ORDER TO AVOID
THE CURFEW,

I WOULD HAVE
TO DRESS AS A MONK,

AND I HAVE NO COSTUME.

BUT THERE IS
A MONK'S COSTUME

UNDER MY BED.

WHAT?

IT WAS LEFT THERE
BY THAT POLICEMAN

WHO SPEAKS-- YOU KNOW,

THE GOBBLEDY-GOOK.

BUT RENE AND THE AIRMEN
HAVE ALREADY LEFT.

WELL, GO QUICKLY,
MY CHILD.

I WILL TAKE CHARGE
OF THE CAFE.

OH, MAMMA,
YOU ARE SO GOOD.

BUT I WILL HAVE TO HURRY,
IF I AM TO CATCH THEM.

AH, EDITH?

YOU HAVE NOT
LEFT ME THE KEYS

TO THE DRINKS CUPBOARD.

OH, OF COURSE.
HERE YOU ARE.

GOODBYE, MAMMA.

I SHALL NOT BE LONG.

JUST TILL THE END
OF THE WAR.

OH, AND EDITH?

WHEN YOU GET TO ENGLAND,
TELL THAT CHURCHILL

TO GET HIS FINGER OUT.

ERNEST?

WHAT IS IT, FANNY?

EDITH HAS LEFT US
IN CHARGE OF THE CAFE.

AND WE HAVE THE KEYS
TO THE DRINKS CUPBOARD.

OH! THAT IS
THE BEST NEWS WE HAVE HAD YET.

( knocking )

EXCUSE ME,
MADAME FANNY,

W-W-WHAT IS IT?

HAVE YOU SEEN
A MONK'S COSTUME UNDER HERE?

YES, EDITH
HAS JUST TAKEN IT.

SHE IS GOING TO ENGLAND.

OH MY GOD!

OH!

NOW THE KNOB
HAS COME OFF.

DID SOMEONE CALL?

I SAY, CARSTAIRS,

ISN'T THAT THE HOLY SHRINE
OVER THERE?

CAN'T BE.

THE CAFE CHAPPIE
HASN'T GIVEN US THE NOD YET.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

25 PAST 11:00.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN.

CRABTREE SAID
QUARTER TO 12:00.

THERE MUST BE
ANOTHER SHRINE FURTHER ON.

RIGHT-O.

COME ON,
THIS IS IT.

NOT A WORD.

( airplane engine humming )

LISTEN.

IT IS AN AIRPLANE.

RIGHT, GIRLS,
START PEDALING.

FASTER, GIRLS,
FASTER.

THERE, THERE, LOOK!

FAIRFAX? CARSTAIRS?

QUICKLY, CHAPS,
IN YOU COME.

MY DARLING,
AT LAST WE ARE SAFE.

OH, RENE,

I AM WITH YOU.
DO NOT WORRY.

I COULD NOT LEAVE YOU
IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

HAVE YOU NOTHING
TO SAY?

I AM AFRAID IT IS
MY TIME OF SILENCE.

BUT I AM CERTAINLY DOING
A LOT OF THINKING.

( theme music playing )