'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Camera in the Potato - full transcript

( theme music playing )

IS THERE ANYONE
AMONG YOU WHO THINKS

IT'S A LITTLE STRANGE
THAT I AM CHAINED TO THE WALL

OF A DUNGEON
WEARING LADIES UNDERWEAR?

IF THERE IS, YOU HAVE NOT
BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.

I WAS TRICKED
INTO THIS LUDICROUS SITUATION

BY HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.

I AM NOW AWAITING RESCUE
BY LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

WHO IS THE ONE
WHO FANCIES ME.

I WOULD RATHER NOT
BE RESCUED BY HIM,

BUT, IN WARTORN FRANCE,



ONE HAS TO MAKE
STRANGE BEDFELLOWS.

I WISH I HAD NOT SAID THAT.

Soldier:
SHE IS IN HERE. SHE HAS BEEN VERY QUIET.

RENE,

WE WILL HAVE YOU
OUT OF HERE.

GOOD.

OH, YOUR ARMS
LOOK QUITE PALE.

THAT IS BECAUSE
THE BLOOD HAS FALLEN DOWN

BELOW MY ELBOWS.

I HOPE YOU WILL SOON
BE ABLE TO REMOVE

THIS EXPERIENCE
FROM YOUR MEMORY.

YES, I HOPE YOU WILL
BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME.

HERE ARE
THE CLOTHES

IN WHICH
YOU CAN LEAVE.



I HOPE THE SKIRT
IS NOT TOO TIGHT.

IT IS THE LARGEST
I COULD FIND.

WHY DO I HAVE
TO WEAR A SKIRT?

RENE, I COULD NOT
WALK THROUGH THE TOWN

WITH YOU DRESSED
IN LADIES UNDERWEAR.

WHY COULD YOU NOT
BRING ME TROUSERS?

YOU WERE TAKEN PRISONER
AS A WOMAN SOLDIER,

AND YOU MUST BE TAKEN OUT
AS A WOMAN SOLDIER.

WILL NOT MY MOUSTACHE
AROUSE SUSPICION?

NO, RENE.

NO, IN THE GERMAN ARMY,

LADY SERGEANTS ARE
PERMITTED TO GROW THEM.

YOU SENT FOR ME,
HERR FLICK?

YES, HELGA.

YOU SHOWED
GREAT DEVOTION

BY ASSISTING
WITH MY ESCAPE.

HERE.

WHAT IS THIS, HERR FLICK?

IT IS THE GESTAPO
CERTIFICATE

OF SPECIAL MERIT.

SEE, YOUR NAME
IS AT THE TOP,

MY SIGNATURE
IS AT THE BOTTOM.

THE WAXED SEAL IS STILL HOT.

IT IS NOT ONLY
A GREAT HONOR,

BUT WITH IT, YOU CAN GET
INTO THE CINEMA FREE,

BEFORE 5:00.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

YOU CAN SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION
AND GRATITUDE

BY FIRST
RELEASING YOUR HAIR.

NOW,

YOU MAY PUT YOUR ARMS
AROUND ME,

AND KISS ME UNTIL
YOU ARE GIDDY WITH ECSTASY.

OH, THANK YOU,
HERR FLICK.

YOU ARE REACHING
THE ECSTASY POINT

VERY QUICKLY
THESE DAYS.

IT COMES WITH PRACTICE.

NOW PAY ATTENTION.

BEFORE I WAS IMPRISONED,

I OVERHEARD THE COLONEL

AND GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN

PLOTTING TO BLOW UP
THE FUHRER,

WHEN HE VISITS THE CHATEAU
TO CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY.

I FIND THIS IMPOSSIBLE
TO BELIEVE, HERR FLICK.

VON SMALLHAUSEN HEARD IT
WITH HIS VERY OWN EARS,

AND RELAYED IT TO ME.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER IS
TO DO THE BLOWING UP.

WE MUST BE ON THE ALERT.

YOU WILL REPORT TO ME
ALL CONVERSATIONS

BETWEEN THESE GUILTY PARTIES.

AS SOON AS
I HAVE ENOUGH EVIDENCE,

I WILL ARREST THEM.

IT IS FRIGHTENING

TO HAVE SO MUCH POWER.

YES, ISN'T IT?

NOW, IT IS MY TURN
TO GO GIDDY.

( glass shatters )

MADAME EDITH,
I BRING YOU FLOWERS.

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

YOU SHOULD NOT.

ALWAYS WHEN
I BRING YOU FLOWERS,

IT IS WITH
THE SAME MESSAGE,

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT NEWS OF RENE?

HE IS ON
A DESPERATE MISSION,

HE HAS NOT
COME BACK.

OH. WELL, SHOULD
HE NOT RETURN,

I WISH YOU TO KNOW,

THAT I WOULD
CONSIDER IT AN HONOR

TO CONTINUE
WHERE HE LEFT OFF.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
HE LEFT OFF

WHEN HITLER WAS HALFWAY
DOWN THE POLISH CORRIDOR.

EDITH, MICHELLE IS
IN THE BACK ROOM.

SHE WISHES TO TALK TO YOU.

OH VERY WELL.
MIMI!

I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU.

( Edith shrieks )

I HAVE GOOD NEWS,
RENE IS SAFE,

AND HAS BEEN SEEN
IN THE TOWN.

HE HAS THE LUCK
OF OLD NICK.

I HAVE HERE
THE SPY CAMERA

WITH WHICH YOU ARE
TO PHOTOGRAPH

THE SAFE
IN THE CHATEAU.

HAVE YOU ARRANGED
TO STEAL THE FILM?

I HAVE INVITED THE COLONEL
TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS

OF ME TONIGHT
IN MY UNDERWEAR.

I WILL STEAL THE FILM
FROM THE COLONEL'S CAMERA,

WHILE YVETTE
IS DISTRACTING HIM

WITH THE FLYING HELMET
AND WET CELERY.

THESE POOR GIRLS,
WHAT THEY DO FOR FRANCE.

THEY GET PAID.

HOW MUCH?

2,000 FRANCS.

IT IS GOOD VALUE
FOR MONEY.

( knocking )

IT IS RENE!

...HITTING WINDOW.

OH, LET ME
HELP YOU.

MY POOR BRAVE RENE!

THANK GOD HE IS SAFE.

THE BRAVEST TRANSVESTITE
IN ALL OF FRANCE.

WE WERE WORRIED.

YOU HAVE BEEN AWAY
FOR SO LONG.

THE GIRLS
FROM THE TYPING POOL

INVITED ME FOR A DRINK.

I HAVE HERE
THE SPY CAMERA.

IT IS DISGUISED
AS A LARGE POTATO,

IT WORKS SO--

I SPLIT IT IN TWO,

TO REVEAL THE CAMERA.

WHY DISGUISE IT
AS A POTATO?

BECAUSE YOU DO NOT
GET CARROTS THAT BIG.

WHEN NEXT THEY ORDER
FOOD FROM THE CHATEAU,

YOU WILL DELIVER IT.

YOU WILL FIND THE ROOM
CONTAINING THE SAFE.

PHOTOGRAPH IT
AND DELIVER THE FILM

TO MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

I HAVE, IN MY MORTUARY,
MANY FLUIDS

WHICH SKILLFULLY BLENDED,
CAN DEVELOP THE FILM.

I MUST GO NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OH, RENE,
IT IS SO GOOD

THAT YOU ARE SAFE
AND BACK WITH US AGAIN.

BUT YOU ARE
LOOKING PALE.

WELL, I HAD TO TAKE
MY MAKEUP OFF.

RENE, NIGHT
AFTER NIGHT,

I DREAM THAT YOU
COME TO MY ROOM.

YOU HOLD ME
IN YOUR ARMS,

YOU KISS ME,

YOU MAKE WILD
ABANDONED LOVE TO ME.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA
BE TOGETHER?

WITH DREAMS LIKE THAT,
YOU HARDLY NEED ME.

DO YOU KNOW,

WE HAVE NOT EVEN
KISSED YET?

WELL, IT IS
VERY DIFFICULT, MIMI,

WITH YVETTE IN THERE,
MY WIFE OUT THERE,

ME UP HERE,
YOU DOWN THERE.

JUST A QUICK ONE?

OH, VERY WELL.

RENE!

WHY IS THAT GIRL
CRAWLING ALL OVER YOU?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

SHE JUMPED INTO MY ARMS
BECAUSE SHE SAW A MOUSE!

IT IS YOUR JOB
TO SET THE TRAPS.

CAN I TRUST YOU
WITH NOTHING?

OH, I AM SORRY.
THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES.
DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

GOOD MOANING.

GOOD MOANING.

I AM EXISTED.

ANY CHANCE
OF A CAP OF CIFFEE?

MIMI, COFFEE FOR
THIS BRITISH IDIOT,

WHO THINKS
HE CAN SPEAK FRENCH.

I HAVE FOR YOU,
GOOD NOSE.

WHAT IS YOUR NOSE?

IN MY BOG,
I HAVE A CACK.

AH...

HE HAS A CAKE
IN HIS BAG.

IT WEIGHS A TIN.

THIS CACK CONTAINS
A POWERFUL BITTERY

FOR THE ROODIO.

TWO OF THE KINDLES
ARE THE TERMINALS.

ONE IS PLISS,

THE OTHER IS MOANISS.

CAN YOU GAS
WATCH IS WATCH?

WHICH IS WHICH?

YES, WELL, I SUPPOSE
IT IS VERY WELL DONE,

BUT I THINK THAT
THIS IS ONE TERMINAL,

AND THE OTHER ONE
IS THIS ONE.

NO, THAT IS THE WIN.

MAY I HAVE THE SPOON
TO STEER MY CIFFEE?

OH.

IT IS CLEVERLY DONE.

( electricity crackles )

YOU IDIOT, MIMI!

YOU COULD HAVE
KILLED HIM!

YOU HAVE RAISED A LIMP
ON MY HOD.

LOOK,
GET OUT OF HERE,

AND TAKE THIS CACK
WITH YOU.

I SHALL PUT IT
IN THE ROODIO

UNDER YOUR WIFE'S
MITHER'S BOD,

AND THEN I CAN COLLECT
MY BURCYCLE.

USE THE BACK PASSAGE.

THAT MAN WILL BE
THE DEATH OF US.

I CAN STILL FEEL
THE STATIC

IN MY WHALEBONE CORSETS.

HERE, GO AND EARTH
YOURSELF.

♪ HE CAN COME HOME ♪

♪ AS LATE AS CAN BE ♪

♪ HOME WITHOUT HIM ♪

♪ IS NO PLACE FOR ME ♪

♪ CAN'T HELP ♪

♪ LOVING THAT MAN ♪

♪ OF MINE. ♪

Rene:
AH, COLONEL,

WELCOME, WELCOME.

YOU HAVE JUST MISSED
LIEUTENANT GRUBER SINGING.

OH, NEVER MIND, COLONEL.
IT IS MY TURN NEXT.

A TABLE FOR TWO,
COLONEL?

NO, RENE.

HELGA'S GOT
A VERY IMPORTANT DATE.

SHE HAS BEEN INVITED

BY GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
COMING HERE?!

OH, WHAT AN HONOR.

EDITH, A TABLE BY THE WINDOW
FOR HELGA AND THE GENERAL.

BUT IT IS OCCUPIED.

NO, IT IS NOT.

GET OUT!

SIT DOWN, HELGA.

THIS WAY, PLEASE,
COME AND SIT DOWN.

OH, UH...

LET-- LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THAT HEAVY CAMERA.

D-- DOES IT HAVE
A FILM IN IT?

YES, A NEW ONE.

WHEN WILL YVETTE
BE READY FOR ME?

IN A FEW MOMENTS,
COLONEL.

MIMI,

TAKE CARE OF
THE COLONEL'S CAMERA.

I WILL SEE NO HARM
COMES TO IT.

AH! GOOD EVENING,
HERR FLICK.

OH MY GOD!

THERE IS NO REASON TO CEASE
YOUR JOLLIFICATION,

JUST BECAUSE A SENIOR
GESTAPO OFFICER

IN A PARTICULARLY FOUL MOOD
IS ENTERING YOUR PREMISES.

PLAY ON!

SO, THERE YOU ARE.

WHAT KIND OF A FUNNY
OLD GAME IS THIS?

I HAVE TWO TICKETS
FOR A FILM

FEATURING
HERR STANLEY LAUREL

AND HERR
OLIVER HARDY,

AND I AM LEFT
WAITING IN THE FOYER

HOLDING A BAG
OF CHOCOLATE FUDGE.

I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.

I HAVE BEEN ORDERED
BY GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

TO BE HIS COMPANION
FOR THE EVENING.

YOU WILL LEARN, HELGA,

THAT NOBODY STANDS UP
THE GESTAPO.

PLEASE GO AWAY,
HERR FLICK.

I SHALL NOT GO AWAY.

I SUSPECT
THAT THE GENERAL

IS INVOLVED IN A PLOT
TO ASSASSINATE THE FUHRER.

THIS IS A VERY COMMON FAULT
WITH OUR GENERALS.

I AM ARRESTING YOU.

YOU WILL COME AWAY WITH ME
FOR INTERROGATION.

OH, HERR FLICK.

YOU SEE THIS BULGE
UNDER MY COAT?

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT IT IS?

A GUN?

CORRECT. STAND UP!
QUICK, MARCH!

HELGA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

SHE IS COMING BACK
TO MY PLACE

TO BE INTERROGATED
AT LENGTH.

YVETTE, YVETTE,
WE HAVE GOT THE FILM.

TAKE THE COLONEL
UPSTAIRS NOW.

AND DO NOT BE LONG!

ARE YOU READY,
COLONEL?

READY?
I'M OBSESSED.

HERE IS YOUR CAMERA.

I DO NOT WISH
THE TROOPS TO KNOW

THAT I AM GOING
UPSTAIRS WITH YOU.

I AM A COLONEL,
YOU KNOW?

I WILL GO FIRST.

I WILL FOLLOW YOU,
CASUALLY.

( whistling )

( cheering )

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
ANOTHER SONG.

EVERYBODY,
ENJOY YOURSELVES, COME.

♪ IF YOU EVER GET
ACROSS THE SEA TO ENGLAND ♪

All:
♪ ENGLAND ♪

♪ THEN MAYBE
AT THE CLOSING OF THE DAY ♪

All:
♪ OF THE DAY ♪

♪ THE BARS WILL ALL
BE SERVING GERMAN LAGER ♪

♪ WHICH MEANS
WE'VE WON THE WAR ♪

♪ HIP HIP HOORAY! ♪

All:
♪ HIP HIP HOORAY! ♪

GENERAL ERICH
VON KLINKERHOFFEN,

IRON CROSS AND BAR,
HERO OF THE RUSSIAN FRONT.

HEIL HITLER.

- ( tray clangs )
- HEIL HITLER.

RELAX, I'M OFF DUTY.

Gruber:
GOOD EVENING, GENERAL.

AH, SO THIS IS THE PLACE
WHERE ALL THE ACTION IS.

WHERE IS MY COMPANION?

UNFORTUNATELY,
SHE LEFT WITH HERR FLICK.

- WHAT?
- IT WAS AGAINST HER WILL.

AGAIN THIS MAN
THWARTS ME.

THE SOONER HE IS PUSHING UP
THE DAISES, THE BETTER.

I AM MOST SORRY,
GENERAL.

WELL, IT IS NOT
YOUR FAULT.

BUT I WILL NOT HAVE
MY EVENING RUINED.

FIND ME A GIRL
AND SOME WINE.

RENE, THE GENERAL
NEEDS WINE.

AH.

ALSO, HE WOULD LIKE
A WOMAN TO SIT WITH HIM.

I WILL SIT WITH HIM.

IN THE TOP OF MY STOCKING
IS A DAGGER.

I WILL ENGAGE HIM
IN CONVERSATION,

IN A LOW VOICE.

WHEN HE LEANS FORWARD
TO HEAR ME,

I WILL PLUNGE THE DAGGER

BETWEEN THE THIRD
AND FOURTH RIBS.

HE WILL DIE INSTANTLY.

LOOK, MIMI, I REALIZE
THAT YOU ARE TRYING

TO PROVE YOURSELF
WITH THE RESISTANCE,

BUT THIS IS NEITHER
THE TIME NOR THE PLACE.

A MAN OF HIS RANK NEEDS
MORE SOPHISTICATED WOMEN.

I SHALL GO.

GOOD EVENING, GENERAL.

I UNDERSTAND YOU FANCY

A LITTLE
SOPHISTICATED COMPANY

TO WHILE AWAY
A LEISURELY HOUR?

( pops )

A MAN LIKE YOU
SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE

AT HIS SIDE,
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I AGREE.
BUT SOMETIMES

THE ROULETTE WHEEL
OF LIFE

THROWS UP
THE ODD ZERO.

OF COURSE,
I DO NOT SIT

WITH ORDINARY SOLDIERS,

ALTHOUGH THEY
CRAVE MY COMPANY.

WELL, IT IS WARTIME.

MEN A LONG WAY
FROM HOME

GET VERY DESPERATE.

ARE YOU VERY
DESPERATE, GENERAL?

NOT YET.

YOU, OVER HERE!

YES.
YES, GENERAL?

IT'S VERY OLD
AND FLAT.

REALLY? IT IS ONE
OF OUR BEST VINTAGES.

NOT THE WINE,
THE WOMAN!

HAVE I NOT SEEN

A BETTER-LOOKING GIRL
AROUND HERE?

SHE IS BUSY UPSTAIRS.

NOBODY IS TOO BUSY
FOR A GENERAL!

IS IT TOO DROOPY?

WE WILL HAVE
JUST ONE MORE.

THIS TIME,
I WILL HOLD THE CELERY.

( Yvette laughs )

COME ALONG, COLONEL!

KEEP STILL.

EMPTY!

( giggling )

( laughing stops )

GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

COLONEL VON STROHM!

WHAT CAN I SAY?

PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES
AND GET OUT OF HERE!

YES, GENERAL!

YOU MAY LEAVE THE HELMET
AND THE GOGGLES.

THE CHICKEN,
THE SALAD AND THE CHEESE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

THIS FOOD SHOULD HAVE BEEN
AT THE CHATEAU 10 MINUTES AGO.

I WILL TAKE YOU ALL THERE.

I HAVE WAITING OUTSIDE
MY SMALL HEARSE,

WITH THE SMALL HORSE.

THE FLAG IS NOW DOWN.

( bell rings )

THE GIRLS WILL HELP YOU
WITH THE HAMPERS.

Michelle:
HERE IS YOUR CAMERA.

THE FILM HAS BEEN
CUT DOWN AND LOADED.

HERE IS THE PLAN
OF THE CHATEAU.

WE THINK THAT
THE SAFE IS IN A ROOM

ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

NOW, DELIVER THE FOOD
TO THE KITCHEN,

GO TO THE ROOM
QUICKLY,

PHOTOGRAPH THE SAFE,
AND RUN LIKE HELL.

WELL, THE LAST BIT
WILL BE EASY.

WHAT DO I DO
IF I GET CAUGHT?

SAY YOU HAVE
LOST YOUR WAY.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS?

SAY YOU ARE
ON YOUR WAY

TO A "BRING YOUR OWN
POTATO" PARTY.

NOW, QUICKLY,
YOU MUST GO!

THERE HAS BEEN A MESSAGE
ON THE WIRELESS.

THE R.A.F.
ARE GOING TO BOMB

THE GERMAN TROOPS TONIGHT,
HERE IN NOUVION.

THAT IS
WONDERFUL NEWS!

WONDERFUL NEWS?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

WHAT HAPPENS
IF THEY HIT MY CAFE?

WE ARE NOT INSURED AGAINST
THE R.A.F., YOU KNOW?

YOU GO BACK.
GO BACK AND TELL THEM

TO STEER CLEAR
OF MY CAFE.

I WILL SHINE A TORCH UP
THE CHIMNEY OR SOMETHING.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD
TO BE BOMBED BY THE R.A.F.!

QUICKLY, YOU MUST GO.

QUICK MONSIEUR,

BEFORE THE R.A.F.
DROP ONE.

OH!

Guard:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, FOOD,
FOR THE KITCHENS.

STRAIGHT DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

THAT IS THE WAY
TO THE ROOM WITH THE SAFE.

GOOD LUCK.

THANK YOU.

AND RENE?

- YES?
- BE CAREFUL.

SAFE, SAFE, SAFE...

( knickknacks fall )

- WHO IS THERE?
- ( gasp )

RENE?!

WHAT A SURPRISE.

I WAS DELIVERING FOOD.
I LOST MY WAY.

THERE ARE MANY PASSAGES.
IT IS MOST CONFUSING.

I AM VERY SORRY.
I WILL BE GOING.

NO, NO--
STAY A WHILE.

HAND ME MY TOWEL.

OH, YES.

THANK YOU.
MY SLIPPERS?

BEAR WITH ME A MOMENT--
I WILL GET MY DRESSING GOWN.

I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF

AT HOME.

AND WHAT IS THIS YOU
ARE HOLDING IN YOUR HAND?

OH, JUST
AN ORDINARY POTATO.

- I WAS ON MY WAY TO A--
- NO, NO.

GIVE IT TO ME.

WE WILL ROAST IT
IN FRONT OF THE FIRE.

WHAT?! NO, NO!

HOLD THAT.

NOW, DO YOU FANCY
A LITTLE SCHNAPPS?

I DO NOT FANCY
A LITTLE ANYTHING.

I REALLY SHOULD
NOT BE HERE.

I MUST BE
GETTING BACK.

TO THINK OF ALL THE TIMES
I HAVE INVITED YOU HERE,

AND NOW YOU ARRIVE
BY CHANCE.

OR DID YOU?

OH, NO.
PURELY BY CHANCE.

I REALLY SHOULD
NOT BE HERE.

IT IS PROBABLY
AGAINST REGULATIONS.

DON'T WORRY,
THE WALLS ARE THICK,

THE DOORS ARE STOUT.

WHY ARE YOU WAVING
YOUR POTATO ABOUT?

WELL, IT--
IT IS VERY HEAVY.

LET US CUT IT
IN IN HALF.

- NO, NO!
- YES, I INSIST.

I HAVE A KNIFE
HERE SOMEWHERE.

BUT, LIEUT--

( muted sirens )

AN AIR-RAID WARNING.

PROBABLY A FALSE ALARM.

NO, NO, IT IS THE R.A.F.

THEY ARE DUE
ABOUT THIS TIME.

I-- I-- I MEAN, UH--

THEY HAVE NOT BEEN
FOR SUCH A LONG TIME.

THIS WARDROBE
IS SOLID OAK.

WE WILL BE
QUITE SAFE IN HERE.

COME INSIDE.

RENE,

RENE!

NO, IT IS
YOUR WARDROBE.

I WILL TAKE MY CHANCE
IN THE CELLAR.

THE SAFE!

RENE!

WHERE ARE YOU?

JUST A LITTLE BIT
TO YOUR LEFT.

( shutter clicking )

( knocking )

I AM ONLY THINKING
OF YOUR SAFETY!

DO NOT WORRY,
LIEUTENANT.

YOU HAVE BEEN MORE HELP
THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!

( theme music playing )