'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 5, Episode 15 - Forged Francs & Fishsellers - full transcript

( theme music playing )

THE SUN IS SHINING,

THE SCENT OF FRANCE
IS IN THE AIR,

YOU WOULD NOT THINK
I HAD A CARE IN THE WORLD.

IF I WERE NOT HIDING
TWO BRITISH AIRMEN

AND TWO GIRLS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

AND IF I HAD NOT
JUST ROBBED A BANK

AND STOLEN 1,000,000 FRANCS
OF GESTAPO MONEY

YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

I AM NOW ABOUT TO FEED
THE CARRIER BIRD

THAT WILL TAKE
THE MICROFILM



OF THE GERMAN PLAN
FOR THE INVASION OF ENGLAND

DIRECT TO LONDON.

NOW YOU MAY THINK THE BIRD
I AM REFERRING TO

IS A CARRIER PIGEON.

YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

THE R.A.F. HAVE PROVIDED US
WITH A LONG DISTANCE DUCK.

YOU HAVE BEEN VERY QUIET
IN THERE.

COME ON,
IT IS BREAKFAST TIME.

COME ON.

( quacking )

( ducklings peeping )

MY GOD, SHE HAS GIVEN BIRTH
TO A WHOLE SQUADRON.

OH, LOOK AT THOSE
LITTLE BABIES.

OH, WHAT DOES THAT
MAKE YOU THINK OF?



GREEN PEAS AND STUFFING.

OH, RENE. WHY DO WE NOT
RUN AWAY TO PARIS NOW?

WE HAVE THE MONEY FROM
THE BANK THAT WE ROBBED.

NO, NO, YVETTE.
THAT MONEY WAS TOO HOT.

WE DO NOT HAVE IT ANYMORE.

WHERE IS IT?

I HELPED LIEUTENANT GRUBER
TO STUFF IT DOWN HIS TROUSERS.

1,000,000 FRANCS?
ARE YOU MAD?

WE COULD HAVE
LIVED ON THAT FOREVER.

I DO NOT THINK YOU WANT
TO MARRY ME AT ALL!

SHUSH!
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

I AM NEVER GOING
TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

RENE!

WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH
YOUR ARMS AROUND THAT GIRL?

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

SHE WAS FAINT FROM HUNGER.

SHE CRIES TO SEE THE FOOD
BEING GIVEN TO THE DUCKS.

OH, YOU POOR CHILD.

YOU MUST BUILD UP
YOUR STRENGTH.

HERE, HAVE SOME
POTATO PEELINGS.

THANK YOU.

DO NOT BE UNGRATEFUL,
EAT THEM UP.

YES, UNCLE HEINRICH.

OF COURSE,
UNCLE HEINRICH.

I AM TALKING TO HIMMLER.

HIMMLER?

AAGH!

SHUSH!

DO NOT LISTEN.

YES, UNCLE HEINRICH,
BUT WITH RESPECT,

THE GESTAPO MONEY THAT WAS
STOLEN FROM THE BANK

WAS NOT GENUINE FRANCS.

THEY WERE FORGED FRANCS.

YES, OF COURSE,

IT IS THE PRINCIPLE
OF THE THING.

DO NOT WORRY, UNCLE,
I WILL DETECT THE MISCREANTS

AND BRING THEM TO JUSTICE.

BUT UNCLE,
YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME

TO SHOOT EVERYONE
IN THE TOWN.

I AM UNPOPULAR ENOUGH
AS IT IS.

YES, UNCLE.
BY THE WAY,

IS THERE ANY CHANCE
OF A POSTAL ORDER

TO TIDE ME OVER?

HE HUNG UP?

VON SMALLHAUSEN?

VON SMALLHAUSEN!

PAY ATTENTION.

WE MUST TRACE THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE STOLEN MONEY.

BUT HOW, HERR FLICK?

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING
PEOPLE DO WITH STOLEN MONEY?

THEY HIDE IT
IN THE MATTRESS.

NO, THEY DO NOT.

THEY DIVIDE IT UP
AMONGST THEMSELVES.

WHAT DO THEY DO THEN?

THEY SPEND IT.

NO, THEY DO NOT.

THEY HIDE IT
IN A MATTRESS.

WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

I DO NOT LIKE TO SAY,
HERR FLICK.

ALWAYS SOMEBODY
MAKES A MISTAKE.

WHAT IS THIS MISTAKE?

THEY SEND THE MATTRESS
TO THE CLEANERS.

NO, THEY DO NOT.

THEY SPEND SOME OF IT.

AND WHAT
DO THEY SPEND IT ON?

EXCUSE ME...

LUXURY GOODS?

POSSIBLY.

BUT POSSIBLY NOT.

MORE LIKELY FOOD.

WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES
AS MARKET TRADERS.

THE FIRST PERSON WHO SPENDS
ONE OF THE FORGED NOTES

WILL BE ARRESTED
AND INTERROGATED

UNTIL HE LEADS US
TO THE SOURCE.

900 AND 65,

900 AND 70,

975,000 FRANCS.

I THOUGHT THE RANSOM
WAS A MILLION?

ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NO MORE
DOWN YOUR TROUSERS?

SEARCH ME.

I WILL TAKE
YOUR WORD FOR IT.

I SUGGEST WE GIVE IT
ANONYMOUSLY TO HERR FLICK

AND PUT AN END
TO THE MATTER.

DON'T LET US
BE HASTY, GRUBER.

975,000 FRANCS

BUYS A LOT OF STRUDEL.

COLONEL,
I HAVE SEEN HERR FLICK.

HE IS MAD AS A SNAKE.

SHOULD HE FIND OUT I KNOW
THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE MONEY,

I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT
MAY BE MY FATE.

SO DO NOT TELL HIM.

TWO FOR YOU,

TWO FOR ME.

ONE FOR YOU.

TWO FOR YOU,

TWO FOR ME.
ONE FOR YOU.

COLONEL, WHY AM I
TO RECEIVE ONLY ONE?

BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN.

TWO FOR YOU,

TWO FOR ME,

ONE FOR YOU.

I AM A WOMAN
WITH A BIG MOUTH.

TWO FOR YOU,
TWO FOR YOU...

COLONEL, MY FRIEND!

AH!

THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.

I KISS YOUR HAND.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

HOW ARE YOU
GETTING ON, EH?

WHAT DO I SEE?

- WHAT INDEED.
- THE BIG THE LOLLY.

THIS THE MONEY
WHAT YOU STEAL

FROM THE BANK
FOR THE RANSOM, NO?

- YES!
- OW!

SO KEEP OFF IT
YOUR WOP HANDS.

COLONEL, I SEE YOU
HAVE THE SHARE OUT.

WHY YOU NO INCLUDE
YOUR FRIEND ALBERTO?

WHY SHOULD WE
INCLUDE YOU?

BECAUSE I CAN DROP YOU
IN THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT,

AND YOU NOT COME OUT
SMELLING OF THE ROSES.

TWO FOR YOU,

TWO FOR YOU.

COLONEL?

I WAS STANDING
OUTSIDE THE DOOR,

AND I COULD NOT HELP
BUT HEAR YOUR CONVERSATION.

IS THERE A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR ME?

HOW ABOUT A POSTING
TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT?

I CANNOT BE SENT
TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT...

ON MEDICAL GROUNDS.

WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S MY MEMORY,
COLONEL.

WHAT WERE
WE TALKING ABOUT?

GET OUT!

TWO FOR YOU,

TWO FOR YOU.

( knocking on door )

MICHELLE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS MY COVER.

AS A WINDOW CLEANER
I CAN MOVE FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE

WITHOUT AROUSING
SUSPICION.

HOW ABOUT PUTTING
WATER IN YOUR BUCKET?

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

OUR ORGANIZATION IN
ABBEVILLE HAS SUCCEEDED

IN PHOTOGRAPHING THE PLANS
FOR THE INVASION.

I HAVE THE MICROFILM.
I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU.

YOU WILL ATTACH IT TO THE LEG
OF THE LONG DISTANCE DUCK.

THE DUCK WILL THEN
TRANSPORT IT TO LONDON.

IS ANYONE LOOKING?

THE WHOLE VILLAGE WILL BE,
IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP.

FOR THIS YOU WILL NEED
A LONG DISTANCE ALBATROSS.

THE MICROFILM IS HIDDEN
BENEATH THE STAMP.

STEAM IT OFF AND ATTACH IT
TO THE LEG OF THE DUCK WITH A CORN PLASTER.

THERE IS A PROBLEM
WITH THAT DUCK.

SHE HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH
TO FIVE LITTLE DUCKS.

SO?

IF YOU TAKE HER AWAY
FROM THEM NOW THEY WILL DIE.

PUT THEM UNDER
A WARM TEA COZY

AND FEED THEM EVERY FOUR HOURS
WITH A FOUNTAIN PEN FILLER.

I AM NOT GOING
TO WET-NURSE A DUCK. I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN.

THEN FIND A BROODY HEN.

WHO WILL TEACH
THEM TO SWIM?

AND THINK OF THE MOTHER--

IF SHE IS TAKEN AWAY
FROM THEM NOW,

SHE WON'T REACH CALAIS
BEFORE SHE GETS

POST-NATAL DEPRESSION.

I AM WORKING
FOR THE RESISTANCE TRYING TO WIN THE WAR

AND YOU ARE WORKING
FOR DUCK WELFARE.

THAT DUCK LEAVES TODAY.

HANG ON, YOU HAVE NOT
FINISHED MY WINDOWS.

SCREW YOUR WINDOWS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH A FRUIT BASKET ON YOUR HEAD?

I AM GOING SHOPPING
FOR FOOD.

AND TALKING OF FOOD,

HOW MUCH LONGER
DO WE HAVE TO HIDE

THESE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE GIRLS?

I EXPECT THE SEARCH
WILL BE OVER IN A FEW DAYS

AND THEN THEY WILL
BE ABLE TO LEAVE.

THEY ARE EATING ME
OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME.

THEY ARE LIKE ANIMALS.

I KNOW.

RENE?

THE ONE CALLED
DENISE LAROQUE,

IS SHE THE SAME
DENISE LAROQUE

WHO WAS YOUR
CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART,

WHO HELD YOU CAPTIVE
AGAINST YOUR WILL,

WHO HAS THE HOTS FOR YOU
AND WANTED TO MARRY YOU

AND THREATENED TO KILL ME
IF I GOT IN THE WAY?

NO. THIS IS A DIFFERENT
DENISE LAROQUE ALTOGETHER.

RENE, LET ME LOOK
INTO YOUR EYES.

I CAN ALWAYS TELL
IF YOU ARE LYING.

I SEE IT IS THE TRUTH.

OH, RENE,
I AM SO HAPPY.

I MADE THESE SANDWICHES
FOR MAMMA.

YOU TAKE THEM TO HER,
MY ANGEL.

OF COURSE,
MY SWEETHEART.

RENE?

( Rene screams )

- RENE!
- DENISE!

I KNEW YOU WOULD COME TO ME,
PASSION OF MY LIFE.

JUST THE SIGHT
OF YOUR BRAVE FACE HAS MADE ME GIDDY.

IT IS PROBABLY
THE SMELL OF MOTHBALLS

THAT I HAVE JUST CRUSHED
UNDER MY FEET.

YOU HAVE BROUGHT
ME SANDWICHES.

LET ME EAT
BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE.

ATTRACTIVE
THOUGH THIS MAY BE,

I CANNOT STAY
AT THE MOMENT.

I AM OVERRUN
WITH GERMANS.

HAVE YOU MADE
ANY PLANS TO ESCAPE?

I WILL STAY HERE TILL
EVERYTHING DIES DOWN.

OH, AS LONG AS THAT.

THEN WE WILL KILL THE WOMAN
YOU ARE LIVING WITH,

BURY HER IN THE GARDEN
AND HIDE TOGETHER

IN THE SEWERS OF PARIS,
POPPING UP

FROM TIME TO TIME
TO KILL THE HATED ENEMY.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

KISS ME AS IF
THERE WERE NO TOMORROW.

BUT IT IS ONLY 11:00
ON THE MORNING OF TODAY.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOOD PITCH.
WE WILL SELL OUR FISH.

I HAVE THE WINKLES,

I HAVE THE WINKLES,
ALIVE ALIVE-O!

I HAVE THE CRABS,

I HAVE THE CRABS,
ALIVE ALIVE-O!

VON SMALLHAUSEN,
YOU WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY.

YOU ARE NOT
A GOOD FISH SELLER.

I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.

PLEASE, TELL ME
WHAT TO DO.

CONGER, CONGER.

♪ LA LA LA LA LA-LA
LA LA LA LA LA-LA. ♪

POOH, YOUR FOSH
IS VERY PINGY.

GO AWAY.

YOU CANNOT SPOKE LIKE THOS

TO AN IFFICER OF THE LOO.

WHERE IS YOUR
STRAIT TREEDERS LOOSENCE?

OH, GESTOOPO.

I WILL HAVE
A POUND OF WONKLES.

WHAT ARE WONKLES?

THESE ARE WONKLES.

WINKLES.

WHAT PART OF FRANCE
DO YOU COME FROM?

I AM HALF ITOOLIAN.

- ITOOLIAN?
- YES, ITOOLIAN.

I THINK
HE MEANS ITALIAN.

I WAS BROUGHT UP
IN NIPPLES.

NIPPLES?

YES, YOU KNOW
THE OLD SOOING?

SEE NIPPLES AND DO.

RETURN TO ME AS SOON
AS YOU ARE ABLE.

OF COURSE.

AND NEXT TIME
BRING THE MUSTARD.

( Rene screams )

RENE!

LOUISE!

I HAVE BEEN IN THIS WARDROBE
ALL NIGHT THINKING OF YOU.

I THOUGHT I WOULD
EXPLODE WITH PASSION.

LUCKY YOU KEPT
THE DOOR CLOSED.

I SEE YOU HAVE
BROUGHT ME FOOD

SO I MAY BUILD UP
MY STRENGTH,

SO THAT WE CAN
RUN AWAY TOGETHER.

I DO NOT THINK TWO SARDINES
AND A BIT OF CRESS

WILL HELP YOU
RUN AWAY VERY FAR.

LET US KILL DENISE

AND HIDE HER BODY
IN A DISUSED REFRIGERATOR

AND FLY AWAY TO THE ALPS

WHERE WE CAN DROP ROCKS
ON THE GERMANS.

OH, WHAT A ROMANTIC NOTION.

UNFORTUNATELY WE USE
OUR DISUSED REFRIGERATOR,

BUT THE MOMENT IT BREAKS DOWN,
I WILL LET YOU KNOW.

ONLY ONE SANDWICH LEFT
FOR MY WIFE'S MOTHER.

STILL, AT HER AGE
SHE DOES NOT NEED MUCH.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO
TO THEM ALL?

WHAT IS IT ABOUT
THIS FACE

THAT DRIVES THEM
TO SUCH BLINDING PASSION?

STILL...

NOT BAD FOR 32.

RENE!

NOT NOW.

GOOD MORNING,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

A GOOD MORNING,
MY ADORABLE MADAME EDITH.

MAGNIFICENT.

HOW HANDSOME
YOU LOOK THIS MORNING.

THE AROMA SURROUNDING YOU
IS MOST TANTALIZING.

BETTER THAN THE REST
OF THE MARKET PLACE.

( chuckles )

I HAVE BEEN
TO THE HAIRDRESSER

TO HAVE MY MOUSTACHE
RESTYLED.

THE POMADE THAT THEY USE
IS THEIR OWN PREPARATION.

IT IS MADE
FROM BADGER GREASE

AND ROSE PETAL WATER.

HOW IT GLISTENS
IN THE MORNING LIGHT.

NATURAL PRODUCTS ARE ALWAYS
THE BEST, ARE THEY NOT?

UNDOUBTEDLY.

I ALSO HAD
MY HAIR SHAMPOOED

WITH EXTRACT
OF HEDGEHOG.

IT HAS GIVEN IT
A LOT OF BODY.

IT HAS ITS DRAWBACKS.

IF EVER IT HEARS
A MOTOR HOOTER,

IT CLENCHES ITSELF
INTO A BALL.

GOOD MORNING.

WONKLES,
WONKLES,

WHO WILL BUY
MY WONKLES?

GOOD MORNING,
FISHMONGER.

I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU
HERE BEFORE.

WE ARE NEW
AROUND HERE.

WHICH IS MORE THAN
I CAN SAY FOR YOUR FISH.

THREE COD'S HEADS
FOR THE CAT.

LOOK. THIS IS
A FORGED BANK NOTE.

WE ARE THE GESTAPO.
YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.

YOU WILL COME WITH US
FOR INTERROGATION.

GENTLEMEN,
I AM AN INNOCENT MAN.

I AM MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

THE RESPECTED UNDERTAKER.

I AM ENTIRELY INNOCENT.

THEN WHY IS YOUR HAIR
STANDING ON END IN FRIGHT?

HMM?

YOU WILL COME WITH US.

NO, NO, GENTLEMEN.

NO, GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE.

THIS IS A FOOLISH
MISTAKE.

MADAME EDITH,
HELP ME, PLEASE!

MADAME EDITH!

( knock on door )

WHO IS IT?

IT IS RENE.
ARE YOU DECENT?

I HAVE BEEN DECENT

SINCE AUGUST 1922.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
YOUR LUNCH.

( joyful )
OH.

OH.

HALF A CRUMMY
SARDINE SANDWICH?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE?

STOP WHINGING,
YOU OLD BAT.

THERE'S A WAR ON.

OOH.

IF ONE OF MY LATE HUSBANDS
WERE ALIVE

TO HEAR YOU
TALK TO ME LIKE THAT,

HE WOULD HORSEWHIP YOU.

THEY ARE NOT ALIVE,
ARE THEY?

NO, NO.

THAT IS WHY I SHALL
HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THIS HOOLIGAN
HAS GONE MAD.

STOP IT, MAMMA!
STOP IT!

HE IS NO GOOD. AHH.

YOU MUST MARRY
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

AND GIVE HIM
THE BUM'S RUSH.

SOMETHING TERRIBLE
HAS HAPPENED

TO MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

HE HAS BEEN ARRESTED
BY THE GESTAPO.

- WHAT?
- GESTAPO!

( spitting )

WHY HAS HE BEEN ARRESTED?

HE PASSED
ONE OF THE BANK NOTES

WE STOLE FROM THE BANK.
IT WAS A FORGERY.

WHAT?
WHERE DID HE GET IT?

HE HAD BEEN
TO THE HAIRDRESSER.

MICHELLE USED SOME OF
THE STOLEN MONEY THERE.

MY GOD, IT WILL ALL
BE TRACED TO US.

NO. MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
LOVES ME.

HE WILL DIE BEFORE
HE GIVES ME AWAY.

EDITH? IF HE DIES
BEFORE HE MARRIES YOU,

WHO WILL GET HIS MONEY?

THE HOME FOR
DISTRESSED UNDERTAKERS.

WELL, YOU MUST RESCUE HIM.

MAKE HIM SIGN THE WILL

AND THEN HAND HIM BACK.

MICHELLE!

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS BEEN
ARRESTED BY THE GESTAPO.

I KNOW. WE MUST
GET ON THE RADIO.

I HAVE A PLAN.

OOH!

THIS IS YOUR FAULT,
MICHELLE.

YOU USED SOME OF THAT MONEY
TO HAVE YOUR HAIR DONE.

FOR WEEKS I HAVE NOT
HAD MY HAIR DONE.

AS HEAD
OF THE RESISTANCE,

I HAVE A POSITION
TO MAINTAIN.

'ALLO, LONDON.

STANDBY FOR A MESSAGE.

'ALLO, KINGFISHER.
'ALLO, KINGFISHER.

THIS IS BLUE TIT,
THIS IS BLUE TIT.

Pass your message,
Blue Tit.

PLEASE SEND TWO PAIRS
OF 15 DENIER STOCKINGS

AND A PACKET
OF SUICIDE PILLS, THE QUICK ONES.

Message received.
Is the duck ready?

Is the duck ready?

I WILL LOOK UP
THE CODE.

IT IS NOT CODE.
LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.

YES, THE DUCK IS READY.

We need the invasion plans
at once.

The wind is favorable.

Release the duck
immediately.

MESSAGE RECEIVED.

WE WILL PREPARE THE DUCK
FOR LAUNCH.

OH!

A DUCK FOR LUNCH.

DID YOU ATTACH THE MICROFILM
TO THE LEG OF THE DUCK WITH THE CORN PLASTER?

- IT IS DONE.
- GOOD.

DO YOU HAVE
THE LONG DISTANCE DICK?

IN THE BOX AND READY
FOR TAKE OFF.

I WILL MAUVE
THESE PEASANTS OUT OF THE WEE

AND MAKE
A CLEAR PITH.

AH, THERE YOU ARE CHAPS.

I SAY, MICHELLE,
WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE'RE FLYING
THE INVASION PLANS TO ENGLAND BY FAST DUCK.

JUST THINK, RENE,
IN A MOMENT

IT WILL BE SOARING
ABOVE THE CLOUDS

TAKING WITH IT THE PLANS
OF THE INVASION.

WE HOPE.

RENE,
LET ME RELEASE IT.

VERY WELL,
IF YOU WISH, EDITH.

THIS WILL GO DOWN
IN HISTORY

AS THE TURNING POINT
IN THE STRUGGLE

OF THE OPPRESSED
PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

AGAINST THE JACKBOOTS
OF FASCIST IMPERIALISTS.

( loud quacking )

( theme music playing )