'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 5, Episode 14 - Communists in the Cupboard - full transcript
Herr Flick tells Helga the money that was stolen from the bank was his and he suspects General von Klinkerhoffen has stolen it. Michelle tells René and the others the stolen money will not be used to safe Mimi and the Germans but it will be split amongst them. When officer Crabtree tells them the money was from the Gestapo, it ends up in René's trousers. Meanwhile, René has found a way to improve Edith's performance.
( theme music playing )
THE LAST TIME WE MET,
YOU MAY RECALL THAT
WE HAD JUST ROBBED A BANK
TO OBTAIN MONEY FOR THE RANSOM
TO BE PAID TO
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
FOR THE RELEASE
OF THE GERMAN OFFICERS,
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY
FOR THE RELEASE
OF MY MIDGET SERVING MAID,
MIMI LABONQ,
WHO IS CURRENTLY DISGUISED
AS A BABY IN A PRAM.
AND HAS THE UH...
PRICELESS PAINTINGS
CONCEALED IN HER NAPPY.
LET US JUST HOPE
THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE A RESTLESS NIGHT.
OTHERWISE, BY NOW
SHE WILL BE SUFFERING
FROM CANVAS RASH.
( banging )
THE, UM-- THE NOISE
OF BANGING THAT YOU HEAR
IS MY WIFE
AND MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
THEY ARE IN THE BACK ROOM
HIDING THE MONEY,
- I KNOW NOT WHERE.
- ( cuckoo clock tweets )
AHH, BEHIND THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
- RENE!
- HMM?
HERE IS THE GRAMOPHONE
YOU ASKED FOR.
YOU ARE COVERED
IN COBWEBS.
HUH?!
HAVE YOU BEEN
STANDING STILL AGAIN?
I HAVE BEEN RUMMAGING
IN THE ATTIC.
WHERE IS THE HORN?
YVETTE WILL
GIVE IT TO YOU.
LET'S SEE, I GOT SOME
NEEDLES, AS YOU ORDERED.
- MEDIUM LOUD.
- AND?
AND SOME RECORDS.
I HAVE--
"HIT PARADE OF 1926."
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND
SOMETHING MORE MODERN.
HERE, AND RUN YOURSELF
OVER WITH THIS, HUH?
AH, THE FEATHER DUSTER,
( laughing )
OHHH, BRINGS BACK
MEMORIES.
OH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
RENE!
YVETTE! YOU MUST NOT DO THAT
TO ME IN MY NERVOUS STATE.
DO YOU THINK IT WILL WORK,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
OH, I HOPE SO.
I CANNOT CONTINUE TO LET
MY WIFE GO ON SINGING.
I AM LOSING CUSTOMERS.
RENE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, EDITH,
I AM VERY WORRIED ABOUT MONSIEUR LECLERC'S
PIANO PLAYING,
WHEN HE ACCOMPANIES YOU.
HE DOES NOT
DO YOUR VOICE JUSTICE.
I HAVE THOUGHT
THE SAME, MYSELF.
IT OCCURS TO ME THAT,
IF YOU WERE TO BE BACKED
BY AN ORCHESTRA,
PREFERABLY A VERY LARGE
SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA--
A LOUD ONE--
CONDUCTED BY TOSCANINI--
TOSCANINI?!
THEN YOUR FULL POTENTIAL
MAY BE REALIZED.
DO YOU MEAN THE TOSCANINI?
WELL, HOW MANY
TOSCANINIS ARE THERE?
HERE, LOOK.
TOSCANINI!
BUT WHAT IS
THIS OTHER NAME HERE?
IT LOOKS LIKE
JEANETTE MACDONALD.
IT IS JUST POSSIBLE THAT
SHE MIGHT BE SINGING ON IT,
BUT... THE CUSTOMERS
WILL NEVER NOTICE.
YOUR VOICES
ARE SO SIMILAR.
WELL, OF COURSE.
I ALWAYS MODEL
MYSELF ON HER.
CAN WE TRY
A LITTLE BIT?
OF COURSE.
- OH!
- YVETTE.
OH! I AM SO NERVOUS.
SINGING IN FRONT
OF TOSCANINI.
YVETTE.
UM-HMM.
( record hisses )
( orchestra playing )
( singing with recording )
♪ LOVE IS WHERE YOU FIND IT ♪
♪ DON'T BE BLINDED ♪
♪ ALL AROUND YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE. ♪
NO, NO, NO.
EDITH...
MUCH QUIETER.
THOSE STURDY
PEASANT LUNGS OF YOURS
ARE DROWNING
64 MEMBERS
OF THE NEW YORK
PHILHARMONIC.
IT IS BECAUSE
I DO NOT SMOKE.
ONCE MORE, PLEASE.
( orchestra playing )
♪ LOVE IS WHERE YOU FIND IT ♪
- ♪ DON'T BE BLINDED... ♪
- QUIETER!
♪ ALL AROUND YOU,
EVERYWHERE... ♪
PIANISSIMO.
♪ TAKE IT... ♪
MORE PIANISSIMO
STILL.
♪ FOR ROMANCE NOW ♪
♪ WITH SOMEONE
THAT YOU CARE... ♪
NOW, YVETTE,
YVETTE TURN YOUR BACK.
WHO IS SINGING?
OH, I, UH...
I CANNOT TELL.
BUT I THINK
IT IS MADAME EDITH.
PERFECT.
YOU OPEN TONIGHT.
OOOH!
HERR FLICK,
YOU LOOK DISTRAUGHT,
AND YOUR COMPLEXION
HAS CHANGED
FROM ITS USUAL
HEALTHY PUTTY COLOR
TO A DEAD WHITE.
WHERE IS THE GENERAL?
HE HAS NOT YET RETURNED
FROM MANEUVERS.
I HAVE JUST BEEN
TO THE BANK,
WHERE EVERY FRIDAY
I COLLECT MY DIVVY.
LAST NIGHT, THE STRONG ROOM
WAS BLOWN OPEN,
AND WHOSE MONEY DO YOU
THINK HAS BEEN TAKEN?
NOT YOURS, HERR FLICK?
1,000,000 FRANCS
FROM MY PERSONAL
GESTAPO SLUSH FUND
HAVE VANISHED
WITHOUT A TRACE!
- NO, HERR FLICK.
- DO YOU NOT THINK IT'S STRANGE, HELGA,
THAT THIS IS
THE IDENTICAL AMOUNT
DEMANDED BY THE RESISTANCE
FOR THE RELEASE OF THE COLONEL?
WHO WOULD HAVE THE TEMERITY
TO DO SUCH A WICKED DEED?
SOMEONE WHO HATES ME.
EVERYBODY HATES YOU.
IN THE GESTAPO, THIS IS
A MEASURE OF ONE'S SUCCESS.
I AM TALKING ABOUT
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
YOU CANNOT ACCUSE
THE GENERAL,
- NOT WITHOUT EVIDENCE.
- I WILL OBTAIN EVIDENCE.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I HAVE NOT YET
HAD BREAKFAST.
YOU WILL LEND ME
57 FRANCS,
FOR A HAM SANDWICH
AND A CUP OF COFFEE.
YES, HERR FLICK.
I FEEL VERY SMALL
AND ALONE.
THEN I SHALL KISS YOU.
IS THAT BETTER?
YES.
PSST!
YOU ARE WANTED
IN THE BACK ROOM.
OH, HECK.
IT IS MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
MORE TROUBLE.
YVETTE, LOOK AFTER THE BAR.
I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU.
OOOH!
NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY
THIS ONLY ONCE.
AFTER MUCH SEARCHING
OF MY HEART,
I HAVE COME TO
A DIFFICULT DECISION.
I HAVE DECIDED WHAT WE ARE TO DO
WITH THE 1,000,000 FRANCS
THAT YOU HAVE STOLEN
FROM THE BANK.
WE KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WE ARE TO HAND IT OVER
TO THE COMMUNISTS,
SO THEY WILL RELEASE
THE GERMANS AND MIMI.
YES, BEFORE THEY
CHANGE HER NAPPY
AND DISCOVER
SHE IS NOT A BABY.
THAT WAS THE PLAN.
BUT THE RESISTANCE
CURRENT ACCOUNT IS OVERDRAWN.
WE NEED MONEY FOR FOOD,
EXPLOSIVES, GUNS, BRIBES,
CLOTHES, MAKEUP.
NOW LOOK HERE,
WE ARE THE ONES
WHO ROBBED THE BANK.
YOU WERE JUST
THE LOOKOUT.
IF THE RANSOM
IS NOT TO BE PAID,
WE WILL WANT
OUR SHARE.
THE SAME ALSO APPLIES TO ME.
THEY BURNT HALF
OF MY LIFE SAVINGS
BECAUSE THEY
RAN OUT OF MATCHES.
EDITH, GET THE MONEY.
WE WILL DIVIDE IT UP.
WE WERE RECKONING
WE BURNT, UH...
100,000 FRANCS,
IN 5,000 FRANC NOTES.
GIVE IT TO ME.
QUICK.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE FOR US.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE FOR US.
HANG ON A MINUTE!
WHY FIVE FOR YOU?
WELL, FIVE OF US
ROBBED THE BANK.
THERE WAS ME,
EDITH, YVETTE,
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
ALREADY HAS SOME.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR FOR US.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR FOR US.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT MIMI?
MIMI WHO?
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR FOR US. ONE FOR--
COME QUICKLY,
THERE IS A GREAT EXCITEMENT
IN THE TOWN SQUARE.
WE ARE BUSY,
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
OOOH, IT IS SOMETHING
VERY, VERY STRANGE.
LOOK.
( whistling "Heigh-Ho" )
IT IS MIMI!
I THINK IT WOULD NOT
SERVE ANY OF OUR ENDS,
IF SHE WERE TO FIND OUT
THAT WE WERE
ABOUT TO ABANDON HER
TO HER FATE.
AGREED?
All:
AGREED.
MIMI!
MY LITTLE MIMI.
SEE? WE WERE ABOUT TO PAY
THE MONEY FOR THE RANSOM.
COME IN THE CAFE.
NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?
AT DAWN THIS MORNING,
WHILST THE GIRLS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
WERE TAKING THEIR ABLUTIONS
IN A STREAM,
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
ATTACKED
WITH A SMALL ARMORED BRIGADE.
OUTNUMBERED,
THE GIRLS GRABBED
THEIR CLOTHES AND RAN.
IT WAS QUITE A SIGHT.
YES, IT MUST HAVE BEEN.
- DID THEY ESCAPE?
- WELL, I THINK SO.
I WAS BUSY HITTING
A GERMAN OVER THE HEAD WITH MY PRAM
AND STEALING HIS UNIFORM.
DO YOU STILL HAVE
THE PAINTINGS IN YOUR NAPPY?
YES.
WHERE IS
THE TALCUM POWDER?
IT'S IN THE BATHROOM.
THANK YOU.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE BAD NOSE.
WHEN YOU RIBBED THE BONK,
THERE WAS A WETNESS.
A WITNESS!
HE HAS DRAWN POCTURES
OF THE SISPOCTS.
THE SISPOCTS?
YES, YOU ARE THE SISPOCTS.
SUSPECTS!
IS THERE NOT
A LANGUAGE SCHOOL,
TO WHICH YOU CAN
SEND THIS MAN?
NOBODY HAS SOON THEM
BECAUSE I HAVE NOT YET
PINNED THEM
ON THE BEARD.
THE BEARD?
THE BEARD OUTSIDE
THE POLOOS STOOTION.
HE MEANS THE BOARD
OUTSIDE THE POLICE STATION.
THERE IS MORE BAD NOSE.
THE MONEY YOU NICKED
WAS THE PROOPERTY
OF THE GESTOOPOO.
OH MY GOD.
HERE, TAKE IT.
TAKE IT ALL.
SAY YOU FOUND IT
IN THE STREET,
SAY SOMEBODY GAVE IT
TO YOU ANONYMOUSLY.
RENE, RENE. THE COLONEL
IS CROSSING THE SQUARE.
OH MY GOD. QUICK,
TAKE IT AND GO! GO!
I AM A POLOOSMAN.
I CANNOT HANDLE
HOT MINEY.
DO YOUR OWN DITTY WOK.
OH MY GOD,
IF HERR FLICK
FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS,
I WILL BE SHOT,
SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
THE RESISTANCE
WILL LOOK AFTER IT.
NO, THEY WILL NOT!
WE WILL NEVER
SEE IT AGAIN.
I AM PREPARED
TO CONCEAL IT
IN A TOMB.
NO, DON'T LET HIM
CONSUME IT.
- I WILL TAKE IT.
- NO, PLEASE.
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
I WILL DISAPPEAR LIKE
A PHANTOM TO THE HAIRDRESSER.
HURRY, HURRY UP.
THEY ARE NEARLY HERE.
OH, HIDE IT
DOWN MY BOSOM.
THERE IS NO ROOM.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WELL, IT IS EVIDENT,
IS IT NOT?
OH, WE WILL PUT IT
DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.
NO, YOU WILL NOT.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
YOU CANNOT PUT
A MILLION FRANCS--
OH! QUICK.
COLONEL VON STROHM.
AH, AH. COLONEL,
HOW NICE TO SEE THAT--
THAT YOU ARE SAFE
AND BACK WITH US AGAIN.
EDITH!
WINE FOR THE COLONEL
AND THE LIEUTENANT.
HAD IT NOT BEEN
FOR YOU, RENE,
THOSE COMMUNIST GIRLS WOULD
HAVE SHOT US OUT OF HAND.
HOW CAN I EVER EXPRESS
MY GRATITUDE?
JUST DO NOT MENTION IT
TO ANYONE, LIEUTENANT.
ESPECIALLY
IF THEY ARE FRENCH.
RENE, I, UH--
I HEAR A CURIOUS
RUSTLING SOUND?
MICE.
I HAVE THE STRANGE ILLUSION
THAT IT IS COMING
FROM YOUR TROUSERS.
EDITH, HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TO TELL YOU,
DO NOT PUT STARCH
IN MY UNDERWEAR!
GRUBER!
RENE IS BEHAVING
IN A VERY SUSPICIOUS
FASHION.
I WOULDN'T BE
AT ALL SURPRISED
IF HE'S NOT HIDING
THOSE COMMUNIST GIRLS.
FOLLOW HIM.
YES, COLONEL.
RENE?!
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
SHUT THE DOOR. QUICKLY.
COULD IT BE THAT I HAVE
HIT THE JACKPOT?
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
IT IS VITAL THAT YOU DO NOT
TELL ANYBODY
WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN.
RENE, LONG UNDERWEAR
IS NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE MONEY.
OH YES, I SEE.
MY, MY,
YOU DO HAVE
A BIG BUNDLE THERE.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
I WILL TELL YOU THE WHOLE TRUTH.
LAST NIGHT WE
BLEW UP THE BANK,
AND STOLE
1,000,000 FRANCS FOR YOUR RELEASE.
YOU DID THAT FOR ME?!
I-- I-- I'M SPEECHLESS.
I-- I'M OVERCOME.
THE BAD NEWS IS THAT
THIS IS GESTAPO MONEY.
IF HERR FLICK
FINDS OUT,
I WILL BE SHOT,
SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
WHAT RISKS YOU HAVE
TAKEN FOR ME.
BUT CLEARLY, THE MONEY IS
NOT SAFE DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.
NO, WE WILL PUT IT
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
FIRST I MUST
MAKE ROOM FOR IT.
OH, THE PAINTINGS.
THE, UH,
THE VAN CLOMP.
I HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL
WITH THE VAN GOGH.
IT IS VERY VALUABLE.
IT HAS VERY ROUGH CANVAS.
( winces )
NOW, YOU HIDE THESE.
NO, LIEUTEN--
OH, PLEASE.
LOOK, I--
I WILL DO IT.
NOW, WE WILL PUT
THE MONEY
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
HELP ME, RENE.
I CANNOT REACH
THE FLOOR BECAUSE OF THE PAINTINGS.
THEN I WILL
GIVE YOU SOME.
HERR GENERAL,
AS REQUESTED, THE COLONEL,
THE CAPTAIN AND
THE LIEUTENANT ARE OUTSIDE.
BRING THEM IN.
THE GENERAL
WILL SEE YOU NOW!
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT,
RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT,
RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT,
HALT.
- HEIL HITLER.
- Both: HEIL HITLER.
HEIL MUSSOLINI.
NOT WHILE THERE'S ANY BREATH
LEFT IN MY BODY.
NOW, YOU'VE ALL HAD A CHANCE
TO COLLECT YOUR THOUGHTS.
I WANT A FULL DESCRIPTION
OF THE LEADERS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
THEY WERE GIRLS.
THIS I KNOW.
WHAT SORT OF GIRLS?
- VERY LOW CLASS.
- WHAT DID THEY LOOK LIKE?
I DID NOT PAY ALL
THAT MUCH ATTENTION.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN
LOOKING AT EVERY DETAIL.
ME! I LOOK!
THEY BOTH HAVE
THE VERY BIG DETAILS.
GRUBER, YOU WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
CAN YOU NOT DRAW THEM?
WELL, UM...
I WAS EXPELLED JUST
AFTER WE HAD DONE FISH.
WOULD YOU RECOGNIZE THEM
IF YOU SAW THEM AGAIN?
YOU BET YOUR LIFE.
YOU WILL SEARCH
FOR THESE GIRLS,
NIGHT AND DAY!
I BLAME YOU
FOR ALL OF THIS, COLONEL.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
47.
DO YOU WANT TO BE
IN THIS WAR OR NOT?
WELL,
I'M NOT MAD ABOUT IT.
TO THINK THAT A GROUP
OF MEN UNDER MY COMMAND
COULD BE CAPTURED
BY A BUNCH OF GIRLS!
WHAT IF THIS INFORMATION
SHOULD LEAK OUT?
WHAT WOULD BE THE EFFECT
AT HOME?
IN BERLIN,
THERE WOULD BE FURY.
IN ROME,
THERE WOULD BE ENVY.
IN BADEN-BADEN,
THEY WOULD SAY
IT HAD TO HAPPEN
EVENTUALLY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU GAVE THE MONEY TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER?
HE IS GERMAN.
HE IS OUR DEADLY ENEMY.
IN MY CASE,
HE IS MY DEADLY FRIEND.
BUT ANYWAY, EDITH, HE WILL
TAKE CARE OF THE MONEY,
AND MAKE SURE THAT IT CANNOT
BE TRACED TO US.
AND IN RETURN,
HE GAVE TO ME,
WHAT HE BELIEVES
ARE THE GENUINE PAINTINGS.
WHERE ARE THESE PAINTINGS?
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
I WILL PUT THEM
WITH THE OTHERS.
NO, I WILL GIVE
THEM TO YOU.
HERE, WHEN HE
ASKS FOR THEM,
MAKE SURE THAT YOU
GIVE HIM THESE
AND NOT THE ORIGINAL
PAINTINGS.
WHICH WERE
IN MIMI'S TROUSERS?
CORRECT.
OH, YOU HAVE TO BE
ON THE BALL
IN THIS GAME,
DO YOU NOT?
( knocking )
OH MY GOD!
NOT MICHELLE.
DENISE LAROQUE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THEY ARE LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE!
THAT IS WHY I HAVE COME
TO THE HOUSE
OF THE MAN I LOVE.
BUT WHAT IF THEY
FIND YOU HERE?
THEN WE WILL DIE
IN A HAIL OF BULLETS,
FIGHTING TOGETHER
IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS.
WELL, SHOULD WE NOT
GO SOMEWHERE SAFER?
LIKE THE BUS SHELTER?
NOBODY EVER GOES THERE.
THE SERVICE HAS BEEN
DISCONTINUED.
KISS ME.
LET ME FEEL THAT
FEELING THAT I FEEL
WHEN YOUR BODY IS CLAMPED
TIGHTLY AGAINST MINE.
AH, UH, YES. I KNOW WHAT
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT DO YOU NOT THINK
THAT WE SHOULD DO THIS A BIT LATER, HUH?
MIMI, PSST!
MIMI, YOU NO DOUBT
RECOGNIZE,
MS. DENISE LAROQUE,
THE LEADER
OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE,
WHOSE DESCRIPTION
IS PROBABLY
BEING CIRCULATED
THROUGHOUT THE LENGTH
AND THE BREADTH
OF THE COUNTRY.
I WOULD BE OBLIGED
IF YOU WOULD
HIDE HER SOMEWHERE.
BUT SHE IS
A COMMUNIST.
YES, BUT SHE DOES HAVE
MILITANT CONSERVATIVE
TENDENCIES.
I WILL HIDE HER
IN MY ROOM.
OH, EH, AND FIND HER SOME
DIFFERENT CLOTHES.
SHE CAN HAVE
SOME OF MINE.
DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS.
( knocking )
OH NO! NOT MICHELLE!
LOUISE!
RENE, I'M ON THE RUN.
YOU MUST HIDE ME.
OH, WELL,
I AM A LITTLE BIT FULL UP AT THE MOMENT.
EH, COULD YOU NOT
COME BACK NEXT WEEK?
THERE ARE GERMANS
EVERYWHERE.
IF I HAVE TO DIE,
IT WOULD BE IN YOUR ARMS.
OH! OF COURSE.
WHERE ELSE WOULD
A GIRL WANT TO DIE?
DO NOT MOCK ME, RENE.
THE MOMENT THAT
I SET EYES ON YOU,
I WANTED TO RUN MY FINGERS
THROUGH YOUR HAIR.
WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE,
IT IS THE FIRST PLACE
THEY GO FOR.
HIDE ME IN YOUR BEDROOM.
UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE
TO SHARE MY BEDROOM
WITH A RATHER ELDERLY
MEMBER OF STAFF
AT THE MOMENT.
BUT...
AH, COME IN,
EDITH.
WE WERE JUST
TALKING ABOUT YOU.
WHO IS THIS GIRL?
SHE IS
A RESISTANCE GIRL ON THE RUN.
A COMMUNIST?!
I AM A FRENCH WOMAN
FIGHTING TO FREE FRANCE.
OF COURSE,
WE MUST KEEP PARTY POLITICS
OUT OF THIS.
I WILL HIDE YOU.
OH, BLESS YOU.
IS SHE ONE OF THOSE?
I HAVE A PLACE FOR YOU
IN MY WARDROBE.
THERE ARE ANOTHER 15 GIRLS
LOOKING FOR SANCTUARY.
WATCH OUT FOR THEM.
15! OH MY GOD.
RENE,
RENE!
RENE, THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER HAVE
JUST COME INTO THE CAFE.
OH MY GOD!
DID THEY SEE THE GIRLS?
NO.
THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.
- RENE?
- YES?
YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED
TO ANY OF THEM, ARE YOU?
WHAT? UGLY GIRLS
LIKE THAT?
OF COURSE NOT.
OOOH, HOLD ME,
REASSURE ME.
WHICH BIT OF YOU
NEEDS REASSURING?
I ACHE ALL OVER FOR YOU.
HERE, PUT OUT
YOUR TONGUE.
I THINK YOU ARE COMING
DOWN WITH THE FLU.
GO GET AN ASPIRIN.
RENE.
YES?
WE ARE LOOKING
FOR THE COMMUNIST GIRLS
WHO CAPTURED US.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
NO, COLONEL.
NOT A SIGN.
THEY WILL BE WELL OVER
THE SPANISH BORDER BY NOW.
AH, COLONEL, CAPTAIN,
LIEUTENANT,
RENE, WINE
FOR THIS TABLE.
AH, THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.
I KISS YOUR HAND.
OH, WHAT A CHARMER.
WE ITALIANS,
WE CANNOT HELP IT.
WE TURN ON THE TAP
AND OUT IT COMES.
I HAVE TONIGHT
FOR YOU,
A SPECIAL SONG.
RENE,
ADD SOME CHEESE
TO THAT ORDER.
- MONSIEUR LECLERC.
- MADAME?
ATTEND TO THE GRAMOPHONE,
IF YOU PLEASE?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ACCOMPANIED BY 64 MEMBERS
OF THE NEW YORK
PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA,
CAFE RENE IS PROUD,
NOT TO SAY RELIEVED,
TO PRESENT, MADAME EDITH.
MAESTRO...
( orchestra music playing )
Deep male voice:
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ HE MUST KNOW SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ BUT DON'T SAY NOTHIN' ♪
♪ HE JUST KEEPS ROLLIN' ♪
♪ HE KEEPS ON ROLLIN' ♪
THERE'S NO DOUBT
ABOUT IT,
SHE'S IMPROVING.
( theme music playing )
THE LAST TIME WE MET,
YOU MAY RECALL THAT
WE HAD JUST ROBBED A BANK
TO OBTAIN MONEY FOR THE RANSOM
TO BE PAID TO
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
FOR THE RELEASE
OF THE GERMAN OFFICERS,
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY
FOR THE RELEASE
OF MY MIDGET SERVING MAID,
MIMI LABONQ,
WHO IS CURRENTLY DISGUISED
AS A BABY IN A PRAM.
AND HAS THE UH...
PRICELESS PAINTINGS
CONCEALED IN HER NAPPY.
LET US JUST HOPE
THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE A RESTLESS NIGHT.
OTHERWISE, BY NOW
SHE WILL BE SUFFERING
FROM CANVAS RASH.
( banging )
THE, UM-- THE NOISE
OF BANGING THAT YOU HEAR
IS MY WIFE
AND MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
THEY ARE IN THE BACK ROOM
HIDING THE MONEY,
- I KNOW NOT WHERE.
- ( cuckoo clock tweets )
AHH, BEHIND THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
- RENE!
- HMM?
HERE IS THE GRAMOPHONE
YOU ASKED FOR.
YOU ARE COVERED
IN COBWEBS.
HUH?!
HAVE YOU BEEN
STANDING STILL AGAIN?
I HAVE BEEN RUMMAGING
IN THE ATTIC.
WHERE IS THE HORN?
YVETTE WILL
GIVE IT TO YOU.
LET'S SEE, I GOT SOME
NEEDLES, AS YOU ORDERED.
- MEDIUM LOUD.
- AND?
AND SOME RECORDS.
I HAVE--
"HIT PARADE OF 1926."
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND
SOMETHING MORE MODERN.
HERE, AND RUN YOURSELF
OVER WITH THIS, HUH?
AH, THE FEATHER DUSTER,
( laughing )
OHHH, BRINGS BACK
MEMORIES.
OH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
RENE!
YVETTE! YOU MUST NOT DO THAT
TO ME IN MY NERVOUS STATE.
DO YOU THINK IT WILL WORK,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
OH, I HOPE SO.
I CANNOT CONTINUE TO LET
MY WIFE GO ON SINGING.
I AM LOSING CUSTOMERS.
RENE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, EDITH,
I AM VERY WORRIED ABOUT MONSIEUR LECLERC'S
PIANO PLAYING,
WHEN HE ACCOMPANIES YOU.
HE DOES NOT
DO YOUR VOICE JUSTICE.
I HAVE THOUGHT
THE SAME, MYSELF.
IT OCCURS TO ME THAT,
IF YOU WERE TO BE BACKED
BY AN ORCHESTRA,
PREFERABLY A VERY LARGE
SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA--
A LOUD ONE--
CONDUCTED BY TOSCANINI--
TOSCANINI?!
THEN YOUR FULL POTENTIAL
MAY BE REALIZED.
DO YOU MEAN THE TOSCANINI?
WELL, HOW MANY
TOSCANINIS ARE THERE?
HERE, LOOK.
TOSCANINI!
BUT WHAT IS
THIS OTHER NAME HERE?
IT LOOKS LIKE
JEANETTE MACDONALD.
IT IS JUST POSSIBLE THAT
SHE MIGHT BE SINGING ON IT,
BUT... THE CUSTOMERS
WILL NEVER NOTICE.
YOUR VOICES
ARE SO SIMILAR.
WELL, OF COURSE.
I ALWAYS MODEL
MYSELF ON HER.
CAN WE TRY
A LITTLE BIT?
OF COURSE.
- OH!
- YVETTE.
OH! I AM SO NERVOUS.
SINGING IN FRONT
OF TOSCANINI.
YVETTE.
UM-HMM.
( record hisses )
( orchestra playing )
( singing with recording )
♪ LOVE IS WHERE YOU FIND IT ♪
♪ DON'T BE BLINDED ♪
♪ ALL AROUND YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE. ♪
NO, NO, NO.
EDITH...
MUCH QUIETER.
THOSE STURDY
PEASANT LUNGS OF YOURS
ARE DROWNING
64 MEMBERS
OF THE NEW YORK
PHILHARMONIC.
IT IS BECAUSE
I DO NOT SMOKE.
ONCE MORE, PLEASE.
( orchestra playing )
♪ LOVE IS WHERE YOU FIND IT ♪
- ♪ DON'T BE BLINDED... ♪
- QUIETER!
♪ ALL AROUND YOU,
EVERYWHERE... ♪
PIANISSIMO.
♪ TAKE IT... ♪
MORE PIANISSIMO
STILL.
♪ FOR ROMANCE NOW ♪
♪ WITH SOMEONE
THAT YOU CARE... ♪
NOW, YVETTE,
YVETTE TURN YOUR BACK.
WHO IS SINGING?
OH, I, UH...
I CANNOT TELL.
BUT I THINK
IT IS MADAME EDITH.
PERFECT.
YOU OPEN TONIGHT.
OOOH!
HERR FLICK,
YOU LOOK DISTRAUGHT,
AND YOUR COMPLEXION
HAS CHANGED
FROM ITS USUAL
HEALTHY PUTTY COLOR
TO A DEAD WHITE.
WHERE IS THE GENERAL?
HE HAS NOT YET RETURNED
FROM MANEUVERS.
I HAVE JUST BEEN
TO THE BANK,
WHERE EVERY FRIDAY
I COLLECT MY DIVVY.
LAST NIGHT, THE STRONG ROOM
WAS BLOWN OPEN,
AND WHOSE MONEY DO YOU
THINK HAS BEEN TAKEN?
NOT YOURS, HERR FLICK?
1,000,000 FRANCS
FROM MY PERSONAL
GESTAPO SLUSH FUND
HAVE VANISHED
WITHOUT A TRACE!
- NO, HERR FLICK.
- DO YOU NOT THINK IT'S STRANGE, HELGA,
THAT THIS IS
THE IDENTICAL AMOUNT
DEMANDED BY THE RESISTANCE
FOR THE RELEASE OF THE COLONEL?
WHO WOULD HAVE THE TEMERITY
TO DO SUCH A WICKED DEED?
SOMEONE WHO HATES ME.
EVERYBODY HATES YOU.
IN THE GESTAPO, THIS IS
A MEASURE OF ONE'S SUCCESS.
I AM TALKING ABOUT
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
YOU CANNOT ACCUSE
THE GENERAL,
- NOT WITHOUT EVIDENCE.
- I WILL OBTAIN EVIDENCE.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I HAVE NOT YET
HAD BREAKFAST.
YOU WILL LEND ME
57 FRANCS,
FOR A HAM SANDWICH
AND A CUP OF COFFEE.
YES, HERR FLICK.
I FEEL VERY SMALL
AND ALONE.
THEN I SHALL KISS YOU.
IS THAT BETTER?
YES.
PSST!
YOU ARE WANTED
IN THE BACK ROOM.
OH, HECK.
IT IS MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
MORE TROUBLE.
YVETTE, LOOK AFTER THE BAR.
I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU.
OOOH!
NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY
THIS ONLY ONCE.
AFTER MUCH SEARCHING
OF MY HEART,
I HAVE COME TO
A DIFFICULT DECISION.
I HAVE DECIDED WHAT WE ARE TO DO
WITH THE 1,000,000 FRANCS
THAT YOU HAVE STOLEN
FROM THE BANK.
WE KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WE ARE TO HAND IT OVER
TO THE COMMUNISTS,
SO THEY WILL RELEASE
THE GERMANS AND MIMI.
YES, BEFORE THEY
CHANGE HER NAPPY
AND DISCOVER
SHE IS NOT A BABY.
THAT WAS THE PLAN.
BUT THE RESISTANCE
CURRENT ACCOUNT IS OVERDRAWN.
WE NEED MONEY FOR FOOD,
EXPLOSIVES, GUNS, BRIBES,
CLOTHES, MAKEUP.
NOW LOOK HERE,
WE ARE THE ONES
WHO ROBBED THE BANK.
YOU WERE JUST
THE LOOKOUT.
IF THE RANSOM
IS NOT TO BE PAID,
WE WILL WANT
OUR SHARE.
THE SAME ALSO APPLIES TO ME.
THEY BURNT HALF
OF MY LIFE SAVINGS
BECAUSE THEY
RAN OUT OF MATCHES.
EDITH, GET THE MONEY.
WE WILL DIVIDE IT UP.
WE WERE RECKONING
WE BURNT, UH...
100,000 FRANCS,
IN 5,000 FRANC NOTES.
GIVE IT TO ME.
QUICK.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE FOR US.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE FOR US.
HANG ON A MINUTE!
WHY FIVE FOR YOU?
WELL, FIVE OF US
ROBBED THE BANK.
THERE WAS ME,
EDITH, YVETTE,
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
ALREADY HAS SOME.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR FOR US.
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR FOR US.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT MIMI?
MIMI WHO?
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR FOR US. ONE FOR--
COME QUICKLY,
THERE IS A GREAT EXCITEMENT
IN THE TOWN SQUARE.
WE ARE BUSY,
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
OOOH, IT IS SOMETHING
VERY, VERY STRANGE.
LOOK.
( whistling "Heigh-Ho" )
IT IS MIMI!
I THINK IT WOULD NOT
SERVE ANY OF OUR ENDS,
IF SHE WERE TO FIND OUT
THAT WE WERE
ABOUT TO ABANDON HER
TO HER FATE.
AGREED?
All:
AGREED.
MIMI!
MY LITTLE MIMI.
SEE? WE WERE ABOUT TO PAY
THE MONEY FOR THE RANSOM.
COME IN THE CAFE.
NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?
AT DAWN THIS MORNING,
WHILST THE GIRLS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
WERE TAKING THEIR ABLUTIONS
IN A STREAM,
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
ATTACKED
WITH A SMALL ARMORED BRIGADE.
OUTNUMBERED,
THE GIRLS GRABBED
THEIR CLOTHES AND RAN.
IT WAS QUITE A SIGHT.
YES, IT MUST HAVE BEEN.
- DID THEY ESCAPE?
- WELL, I THINK SO.
I WAS BUSY HITTING
A GERMAN OVER THE HEAD WITH MY PRAM
AND STEALING HIS UNIFORM.
DO YOU STILL HAVE
THE PAINTINGS IN YOUR NAPPY?
YES.
WHERE IS
THE TALCUM POWDER?
IT'S IN THE BATHROOM.
THANK YOU.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE BAD NOSE.
WHEN YOU RIBBED THE BONK,
THERE WAS A WETNESS.
A WITNESS!
HE HAS DRAWN POCTURES
OF THE SISPOCTS.
THE SISPOCTS?
YES, YOU ARE THE SISPOCTS.
SUSPECTS!
IS THERE NOT
A LANGUAGE SCHOOL,
TO WHICH YOU CAN
SEND THIS MAN?
NOBODY HAS SOON THEM
BECAUSE I HAVE NOT YET
PINNED THEM
ON THE BEARD.
THE BEARD?
THE BEARD OUTSIDE
THE POLOOS STOOTION.
HE MEANS THE BOARD
OUTSIDE THE POLICE STATION.
THERE IS MORE BAD NOSE.
THE MONEY YOU NICKED
WAS THE PROOPERTY
OF THE GESTOOPOO.
OH MY GOD.
HERE, TAKE IT.
TAKE IT ALL.
SAY YOU FOUND IT
IN THE STREET,
SAY SOMEBODY GAVE IT
TO YOU ANONYMOUSLY.
RENE, RENE. THE COLONEL
IS CROSSING THE SQUARE.
OH MY GOD. QUICK,
TAKE IT AND GO! GO!
I AM A POLOOSMAN.
I CANNOT HANDLE
HOT MINEY.
DO YOUR OWN DITTY WOK.
OH MY GOD,
IF HERR FLICK
FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS,
I WILL BE SHOT,
SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
THE RESISTANCE
WILL LOOK AFTER IT.
NO, THEY WILL NOT!
WE WILL NEVER
SEE IT AGAIN.
I AM PREPARED
TO CONCEAL IT
IN A TOMB.
NO, DON'T LET HIM
CONSUME IT.
- I WILL TAKE IT.
- NO, PLEASE.
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
I WILL DISAPPEAR LIKE
A PHANTOM TO THE HAIRDRESSER.
HURRY, HURRY UP.
THEY ARE NEARLY HERE.
OH, HIDE IT
DOWN MY BOSOM.
THERE IS NO ROOM.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WELL, IT IS EVIDENT,
IS IT NOT?
OH, WE WILL PUT IT
DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.
NO, YOU WILL NOT.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
YOU CANNOT PUT
A MILLION FRANCS--
OH! QUICK.
COLONEL VON STROHM.
AH, AH. COLONEL,
HOW NICE TO SEE THAT--
THAT YOU ARE SAFE
AND BACK WITH US AGAIN.
EDITH!
WINE FOR THE COLONEL
AND THE LIEUTENANT.
HAD IT NOT BEEN
FOR YOU, RENE,
THOSE COMMUNIST GIRLS WOULD
HAVE SHOT US OUT OF HAND.
HOW CAN I EVER EXPRESS
MY GRATITUDE?
JUST DO NOT MENTION IT
TO ANYONE, LIEUTENANT.
ESPECIALLY
IF THEY ARE FRENCH.
RENE, I, UH--
I HEAR A CURIOUS
RUSTLING SOUND?
MICE.
I HAVE THE STRANGE ILLUSION
THAT IT IS COMING
FROM YOUR TROUSERS.
EDITH, HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TO TELL YOU,
DO NOT PUT STARCH
IN MY UNDERWEAR!
GRUBER!
RENE IS BEHAVING
IN A VERY SUSPICIOUS
FASHION.
I WOULDN'T BE
AT ALL SURPRISED
IF HE'S NOT HIDING
THOSE COMMUNIST GIRLS.
FOLLOW HIM.
YES, COLONEL.
RENE?!
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
SHUT THE DOOR. QUICKLY.
COULD IT BE THAT I HAVE
HIT THE JACKPOT?
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
IT IS VITAL THAT YOU DO NOT
TELL ANYBODY
WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN.
RENE, LONG UNDERWEAR
IS NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE MONEY.
OH YES, I SEE.
MY, MY,
YOU DO HAVE
A BIG BUNDLE THERE.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
I WILL TELL YOU THE WHOLE TRUTH.
LAST NIGHT WE
BLEW UP THE BANK,
AND STOLE
1,000,000 FRANCS FOR YOUR RELEASE.
YOU DID THAT FOR ME?!
I-- I-- I'M SPEECHLESS.
I-- I'M OVERCOME.
THE BAD NEWS IS THAT
THIS IS GESTAPO MONEY.
IF HERR FLICK
FINDS OUT,
I WILL BE SHOT,
SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
WHAT RISKS YOU HAVE
TAKEN FOR ME.
BUT CLEARLY, THE MONEY IS
NOT SAFE DOWN YOUR TROUSERS.
NO, WE WILL PUT IT
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
FIRST I MUST
MAKE ROOM FOR IT.
OH, THE PAINTINGS.
THE, UH,
THE VAN CLOMP.
I HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL
WITH THE VAN GOGH.
IT IS VERY VALUABLE.
IT HAS VERY ROUGH CANVAS.
( winces )
NOW, YOU HIDE THESE.
NO, LIEUTEN--
OH, PLEASE.
LOOK, I--
I WILL DO IT.
NOW, WE WILL PUT
THE MONEY
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
HELP ME, RENE.
I CANNOT REACH
THE FLOOR BECAUSE OF THE PAINTINGS.
THEN I WILL
GIVE YOU SOME.
HERR GENERAL,
AS REQUESTED, THE COLONEL,
THE CAPTAIN AND
THE LIEUTENANT ARE OUTSIDE.
BRING THEM IN.
THE GENERAL
WILL SEE YOU NOW!
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT,
RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT,
RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT,
HALT.
- HEIL HITLER.
- Both: HEIL HITLER.
HEIL MUSSOLINI.
NOT WHILE THERE'S ANY BREATH
LEFT IN MY BODY.
NOW, YOU'VE ALL HAD A CHANCE
TO COLLECT YOUR THOUGHTS.
I WANT A FULL DESCRIPTION
OF THE LEADERS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
THEY WERE GIRLS.
THIS I KNOW.
WHAT SORT OF GIRLS?
- VERY LOW CLASS.
- WHAT DID THEY LOOK LIKE?
I DID NOT PAY ALL
THAT MUCH ATTENTION.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN
LOOKING AT EVERY DETAIL.
ME! I LOOK!
THEY BOTH HAVE
THE VERY BIG DETAILS.
GRUBER, YOU WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
CAN YOU NOT DRAW THEM?
WELL, UM...
I WAS EXPELLED JUST
AFTER WE HAD DONE FISH.
WOULD YOU RECOGNIZE THEM
IF YOU SAW THEM AGAIN?
YOU BET YOUR LIFE.
YOU WILL SEARCH
FOR THESE GIRLS,
NIGHT AND DAY!
I BLAME YOU
FOR ALL OF THIS, COLONEL.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
47.
DO YOU WANT TO BE
IN THIS WAR OR NOT?
WELL,
I'M NOT MAD ABOUT IT.
TO THINK THAT A GROUP
OF MEN UNDER MY COMMAND
COULD BE CAPTURED
BY A BUNCH OF GIRLS!
WHAT IF THIS INFORMATION
SHOULD LEAK OUT?
WHAT WOULD BE THE EFFECT
AT HOME?
IN BERLIN,
THERE WOULD BE FURY.
IN ROME,
THERE WOULD BE ENVY.
IN BADEN-BADEN,
THEY WOULD SAY
IT HAD TO HAPPEN
EVENTUALLY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU GAVE THE MONEY TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER?
HE IS GERMAN.
HE IS OUR DEADLY ENEMY.
IN MY CASE,
HE IS MY DEADLY FRIEND.
BUT ANYWAY, EDITH, HE WILL
TAKE CARE OF THE MONEY,
AND MAKE SURE THAT IT CANNOT
BE TRACED TO US.
AND IN RETURN,
HE GAVE TO ME,
WHAT HE BELIEVES
ARE THE GENUINE PAINTINGS.
WHERE ARE THESE PAINTINGS?
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
I WILL PUT THEM
WITH THE OTHERS.
NO, I WILL GIVE
THEM TO YOU.
HERE, WHEN HE
ASKS FOR THEM,
MAKE SURE THAT YOU
GIVE HIM THESE
AND NOT THE ORIGINAL
PAINTINGS.
WHICH WERE
IN MIMI'S TROUSERS?
CORRECT.
OH, YOU HAVE TO BE
ON THE BALL
IN THIS GAME,
DO YOU NOT?
( knocking )
OH MY GOD!
NOT MICHELLE.
DENISE LAROQUE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THEY ARE LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE!
THAT IS WHY I HAVE COME
TO THE HOUSE
OF THE MAN I LOVE.
BUT WHAT IF THEY
FIND YOU HERE?
THEN WE WILL DIE
IN A HAIL OF BULLETS,
FIGHTING TOGETHER
IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS.
WELL, SHOULD WE NOT
GO SOMEWHERE SAFER?
LIKE THE BUS SHELTER?
NOBODY EVER GOES THERE.
THE SERVICE HAS BEEN
DISCONTINUED.
KISS ME.
LET ME FEEL THAT
FEELING THAT I FEEL
WHEN YOUR BODY IS CLAMPED
TIGHTLY AGAINST MINE.
AH, UH, YES. I KNOW WHAT
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT DO YOU NOT THINK
THAT WE SHOULD DO THIS A BIT LATER, HUH?
MIMI, PSST!
MIMI, YOU NO DOUBT
RECOGNIZE,
MS. DENISE LAROQUE,
THE LEADER
OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE,
WHOSE DESCRIPTION
IS PROBABLY
BEING CIRCULATED
THROUGHOUT THE LENGTH
AND THE BREADTH
OF THE COUNTRY.
I WOULD BE OBLIGED
IF YOU WOULD
HIDE HER SOMEWHERE.
BUT SHE IS
A COMMUNIST.
YES, BUT SHE DOES HAVE
MILITANT CONSERVATIVE
TENDENCIES.
I WILL HIDE HER
IN MY ROOM.
OH, EH, AND FIND HER SOME
DIFFERENT CLOTHES.
SHE CAN HAVE
SOME OF MINE.
DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS.
( knocking )
OH NO! NOT MICHELLE!
LOUISE!
RENE, I'M ON THE RUN.
YOU MUST HIDE ME.
OH, WELL,
I AM A LITTLE BIT FULL UP AT THE MOMENT.
EH, COULD YOU NOT
COME BACK NEXT WEEK?
THERE ARE GERMANS
EVERYWHERE.
IF I HAVE TO DIE,
IT WOULD BE IN YOUR ARMS.
OH! OF COURSE.
WHERE ELSE WOULD
A GIRL WANT TO DIE?
DO NOT MOCK ME, RENE.
THE MOMENT THAT
I SET EYES ON YOU,
I WANTED TO RUN MY FINGERS
THROUGH YOUR HAIR.
WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE,
IT IS THE FIRST PLACE
THEY GO FOR.
HIDE ME IN YOUR BEDROOM.
UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE
TO SHARE MY BEDROOM
WITH A RATHER ELDERLY
MEMBER OF STAFF
AT THE MOMENT.
BUT...
AH, COME IN,
EDITH.
WE WERE JUST
TALKING ABOUT YOU.
WHO IS THIS GIRL?
SHE IS
A RESISTANCE GIRL ON THE RUN.
A COMMUNIST?!
I AM A FRENCH WOMAN
FIGHTING TO FREE FRANCE.
OF COURSE,
WE MUST KEEP PARTY POLITICS
OUT OF THIS.
I WILL HIDE YOU.
OH, BLESS YOU.
IS SHE ONE OF THOSE?
I HAVE A PLACE FOR YOU
IN MY WARDROBE.
THERE ARE ANOTHER 15 GIRLS
LOOKING FOR SANCTUARY.
WATCH OUT FOR THEM.
15! OH MY GOD.
RENE,
RENE!
RENE, THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER HAVE
JUST COME INTO THE CAFE.
OH MY GOD!
DID THEY SEE THE GIRLS?
NO.
THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.
- RENE?
- YES?
YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED
TO ANY OF THEM, ARE YOU?
WHAT? UGLY GIRLS
LIKE THAT?
OF COURSE NOT.
OOOH, HOLD ME,
REASSURE ME.
WHICH BIT OF YOU
NEEDS REASSURING?
I ACHE ALL OVER FOR YOU.
HERE, PUT OUT
YOUR TONGUE.
I THINK YOU ARE COMING
DOWN WITH THE FLU.
GO GET AN ASPIRIN.
RENE.
YES?
WE ARE LOOKING
FOR THE COMMUNIST GIRLS
WHO CAPTURED US.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
NO, COLONEL.
NOT A SIGN.
THEY WILL BE WELL OVER
THE SPANISH BORDER BY NOW.
AH, COLONEL, CAPTAIN,
LIEUTENANT,
RENE, WINE
FOR THIS TABLE.
AH, THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.
I KISS YOUR HAND.
OH, WHAT A CHARMER.
WE ITALIANS,
WE CANNOT HELP IT.
WE TURN ON THE TAP
AND OUT IT COMES.
I HAVE TONIGHT
FOR YOU,
A SPECIAL SONG.
RENE,
ADD SOME CHEESE
TO THAT ORDER.
- MONSIEUR LECLERC.
- MADAME?
ATTEND TO THE GRAMOPHONE,
IF YOU PLEASE?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ACCOMPANIED BY 64 MEMBERS
OF THE NEW YORK
PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA,
CAFE RENE IS PROUD,
NOT TO SAY RELIEVED,
TO PRESENT, MADAME EDITH.
MAESTRO...
( orchestra music playing )
Deep male voice:
♪ OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ THAT OL' MAN RIVER ♪
♪ HE MUST KNOW SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ BUT DON'T SAY NOTHIN' ♪
♪ HE JUST KEEPS ROLLIN' ♪
♪ HE KEEPS ON ROLLIN' ♪
THERE'S NO DOUBT
ABOUT IT,
SHE'S IMPROVING.
( theme music playing )