'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Exploding Bedpan - full transcript

( theme music playing )

YOU MUST EXCUSE ME
FOR BEING OUT OF BREATH,

BUT I HAVE JUST
BEEN ENDEAVORING

TO LAUNCH
A LONG DISTANCE DUCK.

THIS LONG DISTANCE DUCK
IS A LONG DISTANCE LADY DUCK.

SHE IS CARRYING
A MICRODOT FILM

FOR THE PLAN
OF THE INVASION OF ENGLAND.

IT IS ATTACHED TO HER LEG
BY A CORN PLASTER.

UNFORTUNATELY,
DESPITE THE COMBINED EFFORTS

OF MYSELF, MY WIFE
AND HALF THE VILLAGE,

SHE STEADFASTLY REFUSED
TO TAKE OFF.



SHE WAS LAST SEEN
WALKING PAST THE POST OFFICE.

RENE,

IT IS QUARTER PAST 3:00.

- SO?
- IT IS TIME TO FEED THE BABY DUCKS.

( ducks peep )

EVEN AS I SPEAK,
YOUR BRAVE MOTHER

IS WALKING DOWN
THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD

TOWARDS ENGLAND.

ONE GERMAN CONVOY
AND YOU WILL ALL BE ORPHANS.

SHUSH, YOU HAVE MADE
ONE OF THEM FAINT-- HE HAS FALLEN OVER.

IT IS PROBABLY LACK OF FOOD.
WHY HAVE YOU NOT FED THEM?

I PREPARED
SOME WARM CARROT SOUP,

BUT MICHELLE SAID
THEY HAD TO BE FED

WITH A FOUNTAIN PEN
FILLER,



AND I COULD NOT
FIND ONE.

HAVE YOU
NO IMAGINATION?

POUR IT DOWN
THE BIG END

OF YOUR MOTHER'S
EAR TRUMPET.

I AM NOT POURING
CARROT SOUP

DOWN MY MOTHER'S
EAR TRUMPET.

YOU HAD BETTER
DO SOMETHING AND QUICKLY--

ANOTHER ONE
HAS FALLEN OVER.

OH MY GOD...

I WILL GET
THE EAR TRUMPET.

YVETTE, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN?

WE SHOULD BE OPEN
BY NOW.

RENE, MADAME EDITH
SENT ME TO THE MARKET

TO BUY SOME CLOTHES

FOR THE GIRLS
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

THE ONES THAT ARE
HIDING UPSTAIRS.

WHAT HAVE
YOU BOUGHT THEM?

IN A MARKET I FOUND

SOME CHEAP
SERVING MAIDS' UNIFORMS,

SO THEY CAN WORK
IN THE KITCHEN.

WITH THE CHANGE,
I BOUGHT MYSELF THIS HAT.

WHEN WE RUN AWAY
TO GET MARRIED,

I CAN WEAR IT
ON MY HONEYMOON.

NOT ALL THE TIME.

RENE, KISS ME;

CRUSH THE BREATH
FROM MY BODY;

SEND THE BLOOD
POUNDING THROUGH MY VEINS.

OH MY PASSIONATE ONE,

I CAN FEEL YOU
WRIGGLING WITH ECSTASY.

I AM TRYING
NOT TO SNEEZE.

GO QUICKLY
BEFORE EDITH RETURNS.

RENE,
THE COMMUNIST GIRLS

HAVE THROWN ME
OUT OF MY BEDROOM

AND FORCED ME TO SLEEP
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD.

LOOK ON
THE BRIGHT SIDE, MIMI.

AT LEAST YOU WILL BE
NICE AND WARM.

IT IS RIGHT NEXT
TO THE HOT WATER TANK.

IT IS ALSO NEXT
TO YOUR ROOM.

COME TO ME
AT MIDNIGHT.

WE CAN MAKE
WILD, PASSIONATE, RATHER CRAMPED LOVE.

MY DEAR SWEET MIMI,
YOU SWEET, RANDY CHILD,

IT IS TOO RISKY.

HOW MUCH LONGER
MUST I REMAIN UNFULFILLED?

CERTAINLY UNTIL YOU GET
YOUR ROOM BACK.

QUICK-- I HEAR EDITH
COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.

RENE,

YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME,
DENISE LAROQUE,

LEADER OF THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE,

TO WEAR THESE RAGS?

DO NOT BLAME ME, MY LOVE.
BLAME MADAME EDITH.

SHE GAVE THE GIRL
SO LITTLE,

SHE WAS NOT ABLE
TO AFFORD ANYTHING BETTER.

DO YOU NOT HAVE MONEY?

YES, BUT IT IS
IN THE TILL.

EDITH KEEPS THE KEY.

THE SOONER THIS WOMAN
IS DEAD, THE BETTER.

DENISE, NOT THAT,
NOT NOW, NOT HERE--

WE ARE OPEN!

( gun fires )

HERE, TAKE THIS.

YOU WILL BUY
TWO WAITRESSES' OUTFITS

SO THAT WE CAN POSE HERE
AS SERVING GIRLS.

YES. WHAT SIZE?

16 TOP,
10 BOTTOM-- LONG.

16 TOP...

YES, I WILL
MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.

BLOOD OF MY LIFE,

MY HEART POUNDS
LIKE A SEA OF PASSION,

CRASHING ON THE ROCKS
OF MY DESIRE.

I HAVE BUT
TO LOOK AT YOU

AND I SEE CLOUDS
SCUDDING ACROSS THE MOON,

TREES BENDING
ON A TROPICAL SHORE.

DID YOU HAVE CHEESE
FOR SUPPER?

YOU WILL COME
TO ME TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

BUT YOU ARE SHARING
A ROOM WITH LOUISE.

I WILL DANGLE HER
OUT OF THE WINDOW.

UNTIL TONIGHT.

YES.

RENE!

LOUISE,
WHY ARE YOU HERE?

I THOUGHT
YOU WERE HIDING IN MIMI'S ROOM.

I CLIMBED DOWN
THE DRAINPIPE.

ALL THIS MORNING,

DENISE HAS MADE ME
DANGLE OUT OF THE WINDOW.

SHE SAID IT WAS PRACTICE
FOR A SPECIAL EMERGENCY.

DID SHE SAY
WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY?

SHE PLAYS EVERYTHING
VERY CLOSE TO HER CHEST.

THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE.

- RENE...
- YES?

I KNOW THAT SHE IS
IN LOVE WITH YOU,

BUT MY PASSION
IS GREATER THAN HER PASSION.

INSIDE ME SURGES
A NEED,

WANTS TO MAKE ME
PLUNGE UPON THE ROCKS OF YOUR MANHOOD

AND TUMBLE US BOTH
INTO A WHIRLPOOL OF ECSTASY.

MY GOD,
AND I CANNOT EVEN SWIM.

BECAUSE OF DENISE,

YOU CANNOT COME
TO MY ROOM AT MIDNIGHT--

I WILL COME TO YOURS.

THAT IS NOT
VERY CONVENIENT.

THEN I WILL DANGLE
OUT OF MY WINDOW,

AND YOU WILL DANGLE
OUT OF YOURS.

WE WILL MEET
ON THE PARAPET

AND MAKE WILD,
ABANDONED LOVE.

IT WILL BE A NIGHT
TO REMEMBER.

IT WILL CERTAINLY
BE A TALKING POINT

AMONGST
THE NEIGHBORS.

I MUST GO NOW
AND DO 500 PRESS-UPS

SO THAT I WILL
BE STRONG FOR YOU.

( groans )

MY GOD,
WHAT A MESS I AM IN.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME

THAT MAKES NICE GIRLS
INTO HOOLIGANS?

CAN NOBODY RESIST ME?

GOOD AFTERNOON,
RENE.

COLONEL,
HE IS ALONE.

GOOD.

LOCK THE DOOR.

RENE, WE HAVE
A PROBLEM.

- OH?
- YOU EXPLAIN IT, GRUBER--

YOU'RE GOOD
AT DETAILS.

RENE, DO YOU RECALL
THAT A SHORT TIME AGO

YOU STUFFED A MILLION FRANCS
DOWN MY TROUSERS?

IT IS NOT A THING
ONE WOULD EASILY FORGET.

IT WOULD APPEAR
THAT 25,000 FRANCS ARE MISSING,

AND SOME OF THIS MONEY
HAS BEEN TRACED

TO THE UNDERTAKER
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

HE IS NOW IN THE HANDS
OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

UNDER INTERROGATION,

HE MAY REVEAL
WHERE THE MONEY CAME FROM

AND IT COULD, PERHAPS,
BE TRACED TO YOU.

YOU, UNDER INTERROGATION,

MAY REVEAL THAT YOU PUT IT
DOWN MY TROUSERS.

I WILL TRY VERY HARD
TO NOT REVEAL THAT.

WE CANNOT
TAKE THAT CHANCE.

BUT WHAT CAN
WE DO?

WE MUST STOP
THE ROT NOW,

BEFORE THE UNDERTAKER
IMPLICATES YOU.

HE MUST BE SILENCED.

BUT HOW CAN
WE DO THIS?

THE COLONEL HAS A PLAN
AND THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS:

YOU MUST GET YOUR WIFE
TO MAKE A SMALL PASTY,

INTO WHICH YOU WILL PUT
THIS SUICIDE PILL.

YOU WILL CHUCK IT THROUGH
THE BARS OF HIS CELL,

HE WILL GOBBLE IT UP
AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT.

COLONEL,
I COULD NOT DO THAT--

HE IS A FRIEND
OF MINE.

IN THAT CASE, THERE IS
ANOTHER WAY TO STOP THE ROT--

YOU TAKE
THE PILL... NOW.

EXCUSE ME,
I CANNOT BEAR TO WATCH.

YOU WILL NOT
HAVE TO WATCH, LIEUTENANT.

I HARDLY KNOW
THE UNDERTAKER--

I AM SURE HE WILL BE HAPPY
TO DIE FOR FRANCE.

HE IS VERY OLD,
ANYWAY.

YOUR FIRST PLAN
WAS THE BEST.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

YOU WOULD BE WELL ADVISED
TO TALK TO ME

BEFORE HERR FLICK
RETURNS.

I HAVE TOLD YOU
ALL I KNOW, MONSIEUR.

I AM JUST A POOR,
HONEST UNDERTAKER

AND PROPRIETOR OF THE
HAIRDRESSING ESTABLISHMENT.

ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS MUST HAVE
PASSED TO ME THE MONEY.

WHICH ONE IT WAS,
I KNOW NOT.

THIS IS NOT--

OOOHH!

HERR FLICK
INSTRUCTED ME

TO DEAL
WITH THE PRISONER.

IN WHAT WAY?

YOU HAVE HEARD
ABOUT THE VELVET GLOVE?

YES I HAVE,

BUT WHAT EXACTLY
DO YOU DO WITH IT?

LEAVE US.

I WILL WAIT
IN MY CUPBOARD.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

I AM COMPLETELY
AT YOUR MERCY,

BUT I MUST TELL YOU,

IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN
A VELVET GLOVE

TO BREAK DOWN
MY RESOLUTION...

I THINK.

I WISH TO HELP YOU.

I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION
ONE QUARTER OF THIS MONEY.

IF HERR FLICK
FINDS OUT,

I WILL BE
IN THAT CHAIR INSTEAD OF YOU.

I AM HERE
TO HELP YOU ESCAPE.

HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS NOT
SOME GESTAPO SUBTERFUGE?

I HAVE WITH ME
THE MONEY.

I SHALL RECOGNIZE IT.

IT IS IN BIG ONES.

THOSE ARE
THE BIG ONES.

I HAVE ALSO
THE BLADE OF A HACKSAW.

BLACK SUSPENDERS.

OH MY DICKY TICKER.

WHAT IS
GOING ON HERE?

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

HE MUST NOT DIE
AND TAKE WITH HIM THE SECRET.

WE MUST PUT HIM
IN HOSPITAL.

SEND FOR THE AMBULANCE.

OH MY GOD!

OH, BLACK SUSPENDERS.

GOOD EVENING, JACQUES.
GOOD EVENING, GILLES.

WHERE ARE THE STAFF?

EDITH, WHERE ARE YOU?

WE ARE OPEN!
MIMI? YVETTE?

I AM SORRY, RENE.

I WAS JUST FEEDING
THE BABY DUCKS THEIR SUPPER.

HAVE YOU MADE THE PASTY
WITH THE POISON PILL?

I HAVE IT HERE.

GOOD MOANING.

OH MY GOD.

GOOD EVENING,
OFFICER OF THE LAW.

WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR YOU?

I WAS WICKING
ALONG THE STROOT

AND SUDDENLY I LOOKED
AT MY WATCH AND SAW THE TOMB.

"GOOD GROCIOUS,"
I SAHD TO MYSELF,

"I SHOULD BE SPOKING

TO MY OPPOSITE NIMBER
IN LONDON ON THE ROODIO."

LOOK, IT IS
A QUITTER PAST SOX.

HE IS QUITE RIGHT.

COME ON.

AARGH!

A POLICEMAN, GOOD.

SOME VILLAIN HAS STOLEN
FROM ME MY EAR TRUMPET.

IT HAS NOT BEEN
REPOTTED TO MOO.

WHAT?

EDITH HAS IT.

EDITH,
GIVE THIS OLD BAT HER EAR TRUMPET.

I AM SORRY, MAMMA.
HERE IT IS.

AND WHERE IS
MY SUPPER?

LATER, MAMMA, LATER.

QUICK, THE RADIO!

I WILL SPOOK
TO MY SECRET HEADQUITTERS.

DO THEY SPOOK
IN ENGLISH OR FRONCH?

WE SPEAK IN FRONCH.

'ALLO, 'ALLO.
SECRET AGENT CRABTREE COOLING.

CONNOCT ME TO WOMBLEDON
ONE SOX, ONE SOX.

Man:
Receiving you lewd and clore.

Hold the loon--

I will
connoct you.

MY GOD,
THERE IS ANOTHER ONE AT THE OTHER END.

( telephone rings )

Woman:
'Allo?

IS THAT WOMBLEDON
ONE SOX, ONE SOX?

Oh no, I think you've got
the wrong number, love.

This is
MacFisheries...

and we're shut.

BIGGER-- THAT WAS
THE WRONG NIMBER.

I WILL HAVE TO CHOCK IT
IN MY ADDRESS BIKE.

( Fanny groans )

EDITH!

EDITH!

WHY IS THERE SOUP
IN MY EAR TRUMPET?

GIVE IT TO ME.

- ( blows )
- Edith: RENE!

YOU HAVE BLOWN
OLD CARROT

ALL OVER
THE CLEAN BEDSPREAD!

MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

UNDER INTERROGATION,

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS
HAD AN HEART ATTACK--

HIS DICKY TICKER.

HE HAS BEEN TAKEN
BY AMBULANCE

TO THE GERMAN WING
OF NOUVION GENERAL HOSPITAL.

OH, THAT IS TERRIBLE.

HE HAS NOT YET
SIGNED THE NEW WILL

LEAVING EVERYTHING TO ME.

WE MUST GET TO HIM
BEFORE HE CAN REVEAL

THAT HE OBTAINED
THE STOLEN MONEY

FROM THE HAIRDRESSERS.

HAD YOU NOT BEEN
TARTING YOURSELF UP WITH PERMANENT WAVE,

WE WOULD
NOT BE IN THIS MESS.

YOU TRY SITTING
IN A STEAMY SEWER,

WAITING TO THROW A BOMB
AT A PASSING TANK.

YOUR HAIR
WOULD GO STRAIGHT.

I HAVE A PLAN TO RESCUE
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

LOOK, MAMMA IS
EATING THE PASTY!

- OH MY GOD!
- SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!

Michelle:
WHY ALL THE FUSS?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT?

IT CONTAINS
A SUICIDE PILL

TO PREVENT HIM BEING
INTERROGATED BY THE GESTAPO.

GESTAPO, GESTAPO.

THANK HEAVENS,

IT IS INTACT.

LUCKY SHE WAS NOT
WEARING HER TEETH.

YOU WERE SAYING,
MICHELLE?

WE MUST GET
INTO THE HOSPITAL

TO RESCUE
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

TO DO THIS,
WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES

AS AMBULANCE WORKERS.

WE WILL HAVE A TROLLEY
WITH A FALSE BOTTOM.

IN THE FALSE BOTTOM
WILL BE

A DUMMY
OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE

WEARING PAJAMAS.

ON THE TOP
OF THE TROLLEY,

WILL BE
AN EMERGENCY CASE.

WE WILL LOCATE
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

EXCHANGE HIM
FOR THE DUMMY,

AND THEN,
OUR EMERGENCY PATIENT

WILL DEMAND A SECOND OPINION
IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL,

AND WE WILL
PUSH THEM BOTH OUT.

WHO WILL BE
THE EMERGENCY PATIENT?

YOU.

ME?

WITH FOOD POISONING.

OH, NO, NO.

NOT A CAFE OWNER
WITH FOOD POISONING.

IT WILL RUIN
MY BUSINESS!

HOW DO YOU FANCY
A HERNIA?

ALL RIGHT,

FOOD POISONING IT IS.

HELGA, ARE YOU
QUITE CERTAIN

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS NOT SPILT THE BEANS?

HE WAS TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL

BEFORE HERR FLICK
COULD QUESTION HIM.

YOU NO TELL ME
THAT DOUGH

BELONG TO THE GESTAPO.

YOU GET ME
IN HOT WATER.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE
SO DAMNED GREEDY.

COLONEL, IT IS
MY UNDERSTANDING

THAT HELGA HAS A PLAN.

BRAINS AND BEAUTY,

WHAT A COMBINATION.

SHUT UP.

WE MUST RESCUE HIM
OR ELIMINATE HIM.

WHAT IS
THE ELIMINATION PLAN?

AN EXPLODING BEDPAN.

THAT APPEALS TO ME.

EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING,

BUT HOW IS IT ACTIVATED?

BY REMOTE CONTROL.

HOW DO WE KNOW
WHEN THE BEDPAN IS,

AS IT WERE,
IN POSITION?

IN IT,
THERE IS A MICROPHONE.

WE WILL HEAR
THE VOICE OF THE NURSE

WHEN SHE GIVES IT TO HIM.

IF I MARRY THIS LADY,

I HAVE
A VERY EXCITING LIFE,

BUT I DON'T
GO TO THE BATHROOM.

( heart monitor beeping )

HOW YOU FEELING,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

THE THOUGHT OF RETURNING

TO THE GESTAPO
HEADQUARTERS

HAS MADE ME
JUST A LITTLE TENSE.

- KEEP CALM.
- ( beeping speeds up )

YOUR HEART IS
DOING VERY WELL.

WAIT HERE.

I WILL TRY
AND FIND OUT

WHICH ROOM
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS IN.

WHAT IS THIS IDIOT
DOING HERE?

IT IS A GOOD DISGEESE.

I CAN WICK ANYWHERE
IN THE HOSPITAL

WITHOUT AREESING
SISPOOCION.

ALL THEY CAN SEE
IS MY EEBREWS.

I HAVE ONE DUMMY
UNDER THE TROLLEY,

AND ANOTHER ONE
PUSHING IT.

IF WE ARE
IN TROUBLE,

WE WILL FIGHT
OUR WAY OUT.

( whispering )
I HAVE THE KNIFE.

WHERE IS THE GUN?

AT THE FIRST
SIGN OF TROUBLE,

I WILL GRAB IT.

GIVE IT TO ME.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

AH, MADAME EDITH.

( beeping very fast )

JUST THE SIGHT OF YOU

HAS ACTIVATED
MY MACHINERY.

WE HAVE COME
TO RESCUE YOU.

NOW, KEEP CALM

AND DO AS
YOU ARE TOLD.

I AM ENTIRELY
IN YOUR HANDS, MADAME.

( beeping extremely fast )

ONCE AGAIN,
MY IMAGINATION RUNS RIOT.

QUICK, HE IS IN HERE.

REMOVE THE WIRES
FROM HIS CHEST.

IT IS ATTACHED TO ME
BY STRONG HOSPITAL TAPE.

IT WILL BE OVER
VERY QUOCKLY

IF YOU GIVE HIM
ONE STRONG PILL.

I AM READY.

GAH!

AAH!

WE WILL HOLD HIM DOWN
WHILE YOU PULL.

AAH!

AAH!

NEVER MIND.
GET HIM ONTO THE TROLLEY,

WE'LL TAKE
THE MACHINE WITH US.

COLONEL,
THE COAST IS CLEAR.

MAKE CERTAIN WE ARE
IN COMMUNICATION WITH HELGA.

BEDPAN TO CONTROL,

BEDPAN TO CONTROL.

Helga:
Hello, Bedpan,

hello, Bedpan.

Control here.

WE ARE RECEIVING YOU.

WE ARE READY
TO ACTIVATE.

SHALL I PRESS
THE PLUNGER?

NOT UNTIL YOU HEAR
THE AGREED SIGNAL.

TELL ME AGAIN
THE AGREED SIGNAL.

A VOICE WILL SAY,

"HERE IS
THE BEDPAN."

YOU COUNT TO 10,
AND THEN YOU PLUNGE.

10 AND THEN PLUNGE.

WHAT IS YOUR POSITION?

WE ARE INSIDE
THE HOSPITAL,

PROCEEDING
TO THE SECOND FLOOR.

WE ARE INSIDE
THE HOS--

WHY ARE YOU TALKING
TO YOUR BEDPAN?

SHE'S PSYCHIC,

A PATIENT OF HERS
DIED ON IT.

IS THERE
ANYBODY THERE?

IS THERE
ANYBODY THERE?

KNOCK ONCE FOR YES,

TWICE FOR NO.

( knocks once )

Edith:
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED.

WHAT ABOUT ME?
NOBODY ASKS

IF I AM ALL RIGHT.

SHUT UP.

QUICK, THROUGH THE DOOR.

- WAIT!
- WHAT?

WE MUST COVER
THE DUMMY.

MY GOD, THERE IS
A GERMAN SOLDIER COMING.

DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY,
MONSIEUR.

( monitor beeping
very fast )

BEEP BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP!

BEEP BEEP BEEP...

- ( flatulent sound )
- BEEEEEP.

BEEP BEEP BEEP...

AH!

WHERE IS
THE FRENCH PEASANT WOMAN?

I AM READY TO PERFORM
THE CAESAREAN.

SHE IS WAITING HERE,
DOCTOR.

BRING HER IN.

THERE, THAT IS BETTER.

QUICK, WE MUST GET
THE TROLLEY AND SCARPER.

IT IS GONE.

HOW CAN IT BE GONE?

I KNOW RENE.

HE WILL HAVE
WHEELED IT OUT HIMSELF.

THE GUARDS!

LET US GAY OUT
THE BACK WEE.

HIS NAME IS ON THE DOOR.

HE WILL BE IN HERE.

I WILL POSITION
THE DEVICE.

HERE IS THE BEDPAN.

THAT IS THE SIGNAL.

10, NINE, EIGHT--

STOP, STOP,
FALSE ALARM.

I WAS HANDING IT
TO THE COLONEL.

GRUBER, YOU FOOL.

YOU COULD HAVE
KILLED ME.

ONLY TAKE YOUR ORDERS

WHEN YOU
HEAR ME SPEAK.

Helga:
Yes, Colonel.

RIGHT. WE WILL
SHOVE IT UNDER,

AND WE WILL RUN.

HERE IS THE BEDPAN.

Both:
FOUR, THREE,

TWO, ONE,

PLUNGE!

( explosion )

THE R.A.F.
ARE BOMBING US!

INTO THE SHELTERS!

( coughing )

OH MY GOD,

MY DICKY TICKER.

( theme music playing )