'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law - full transcript

Once again, my instincts
for self-preservation

have triumphed over my patriotism...

and l am about to leg it
to the Spanish border.

The reason is very simple.

Last night, Lieutenant Gruber
arrived with the paintings

of the Fallen Madonna With
The Big Boobies by Van Clomp

and the Cracked Vase With
The Big Daisies by Van Gogh.

There were four forgeries
and two originals

which he had
cleverly concealed, once again,

inside knockwurst sausages.

Unfortunately,
these sausages became confused



with four sausages containing dynamite,

four sausages containing
submarine batteries

and eight ltalian salami sausages

containing garlic.

All of these sausage are now

down the trousers of Colonel
von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber.

Except for two which are
in the buttoned-up bosom

of the already well-endowed Helga,
the Colonel's secretary.

Sooner or later,
something has got to give

and l do not want to be there
when it happens.

Ah, er, Michelle, how nice to see you.

Where are you going?

- Just to the barber's.
- With a suitcase?

l am saving my hair
to stuff something with.



lf you run out on us,
you will find a bullet in your back

before the stationmaster
can wag his flag.

l will go by bus.

- l have serious news. Sit down.
- Oh.

London has sent us a spy camera

to photograph the plans
for the invasion which are in the safe,

which we intend to blow up,
in the chateau.

The parachute carrying the spy camera
was blown off course

and has landed
in the vineyard of M Alfonse.

Well, l am sure if you ask him for it,
he will let you have it.

Yesterday, the German swine
requisitioned the vineyard.

So the village refused to work for zem.

lf they do, they will be shot
by the Communist Resistance.

No one can go near.

We must radio London
to say there will be a delay.

Where are the batteries?

Down the trousers of Lieutenant Gruber.

Does he know?

He does now. He crossed his legs
and shorted himself out.

Never mind. We will use the bicycle.

And we still have the dynamite.

No, the dynamite is mostly down
the trousers of the Colonel.

Can l trust you with nothing?

l make plans, l devise schemes,

l conceive complicated plots
and always you screw them up.

- That is not fair...
- Do you not understand?

l am writing my memoirs
to sell after ze war.

So far, l am looking a right twit.

ls your name Ren? Artois?

Er, yes. Er, welcome to my caf?.

We are closed.

Upon ze orders of Colonel von Strohm,
l am placing you under arrest.

What? But... Michelle!
Do something. Help me.

You. You know zis man?

l've never seen him before
in my life. Heil Hitler!

Oh, thank you.

Colonel, the prisoner is outside.

Bring him in.

(Yells) Bring the prisoner in here!

- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler.

Leave us.

Colonel, Lieutenant, what have l done?

Ren?, ve are very cross with you.

Yes, Ren?, you have a lot
of explaining to do.

Ve examined the sausages
and ve got quite a shock.

Especially me.

Four of them contained batteries
stolen from the submarine

and the two concealed
in my bosom were dynamite.

Own up. You've been verking
with the Resistance again.

Oh, no, you are quite wrong,
Colonel. You see, er,

hearing that the submarine batteries
had been stolen,

l sent a message to the Resistance,
who l do not know.

But l told them
that if they did not return the batteries,

l would refuse to serve them in my caf?...

if l ever found out who they were.

The batteries came back. l was about
to return them when the General arrived.

How do you account
for this dynamite in my bosom?

Well, er...

As l understand it,
the spark from the batteries

was to be used to explode the dynamite,

so without the batteries,
the dynamite was no use,

so that is why they sent it back.

lt's all perfectly logical
if you think about it.

- l am thinking about it.
- Supposing the spark

had exploded some of
the dynamite down my trousers.

l have not even made a vill.

You would have died intestate.

And what about the dynamite
l was carrying?

Could not the heat of my bosom
have caused a reaction?

l could well believe it.

lt all sounds very suspicious, Ren?.

On ze other hand,

the General will be very pleased
when we return the batteries

and, without Ren?, would we have them?

True. Just this once, Ren?,

- we'll overlook this incident.
- Thank you, Colonel.

Providing you hide the painting of
the Fallen Madonna.

- Oh, no, not again.
- You will do as l tell you!

Colonel, that's dynamite.

(All scream)

l could have killed myself.

You could have killed all of us.

We must be more careful.
Now, vich sausage is vich?

Erm, these two and that
and that are dynamite.

- These four are batteries.
- Not next to each other!

Of course.

Now, what about the paintings?

These two are forgeries

of The Cracked Vase With
The Big Daisies by Van Gogh,

which go to the General,
one of which he'll send to Hitler,

believing it is a forgery.
The other he will keep,

believing it is a genuine Van Gogh
but which is a forgery.

That one is the original Van Gogh

which we promised
to allow Ren? to keep

so that he can sell it after the war.

Hands up all those who think
he should not have it.

Carried unanimously.

- Carry on, Gruber.
- These two are forgeries

of the Fallen Madonna
With The Big Boobies

which were to go to Herr Flick.
One he will send to Hitler.

The other he will keep,
believing it is the original

which he can sell but which is,
like this, a forgery.

And anyway, neither of which
he needs at the moment.

- Why is this?
- Herr Flick is in the nick.

What for?

For spying on me
wearing Helga's clothes.

Why were you wearing Helga's clothes?

l wasn't wearing Helga's clothes,
he was wearing Helga's clothes.

- Go on, Gruber!
- Finally, zis is ze genuine van Clomp.

Ren?, you will take all these

and the ltalian salami

and you will hide it in your kitchen,
on your sausage rack.

- Yes, Colonel, thank you.
- Colonel,

might not a man
carrying so many sausages

in wartime arouse suspicion?

True, Helga. We must hide them.

- Where?
- That's very simple.

Oh, no. l...

Oh...

She is in here.

Ah, good morning, Frau Kinkenrotten.

Close ze door and go avay.

Thank Himmler you are here.
Ze swine have put me on ze rack.

l ordered it.

You ordered it? Why did you order it,
you oversized fruit bat?

l told them l wish to interrogate you

so that we could discuss
your escape in general terms.

For the sake of reality,
could you give, from time to time,

a little scream?

Certainly not.

- (Creaking)
- Aah!

Yvette, why do you cry?

Oh, poor Ren?. At zis very moment,

he could be suffering torture
at ze hands of ze Colonel.

Tears will not help him.

Only a bold, brave plan
can save him now.

And we do not 'ave one.

Good moaning.

Oh.

lt is that English idiot
who speaks bad French.

Maybe he can 'elp us.

Aah!

Officer Crabtree, Ren? 'as been arrested.

Yes, l just hid the bad nose.

We must roscue him before
he drops us all in the shoot.

- But what can we do?
- Mme Edith is beside herself.

lf he reveals my disgeez,

l will be up the creek without a piddle.

Madame Edith,
why are you dressed zis way?

lt is the time for the action.

l will rescue my brave Ren?.

l will storm into the office of the Colonel,

l will show him this hand grenade,

l will remove the pin with my teeth

and l will tell him to release Ren?
or we will all die.

This is rosky in daylight.

Why do you not wait until it is dick?

We must strike now.

Make sure the coast is clear.

l will look outsod.

lt is the ltalian captain.
He may recognise me.

He is wicking this woo.

l must hide.

ls-a now or never

Come-a hold me tight

Good-a morning. Nice-a day.

Yes, indood.

Heil-a Hitler.

Heil Mussolini.

( O sole mio)

(Blowing noisily)

You are very small for the army.

Mind your own business.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

- Edith?
- Ren?, you are safe.

What are you holding in your hand?

lf the Colonel wouldn't release you,

l was going to blow up his office
with a grenade.

A grenade? My God, give that to me
before you blow us all up.

- No.
- Edith,

promise me you won't touch
one of these again.

Oh, very well.

But l will keep this as a souvenir.

Oh, my God.

l turn my back for five minutes
and you demolish the town convenience.

Yvette, we need you behind the bar.
Why are you taking so long?

Oh, l was hanging zem up
and l went into a daydream.

And l thought about all the happy times
we have 'ad in 'ere.

Oh, Yvette, my little tiger.

Oh, Ren?, my big, cuddly bear.

My little chicken.

- My big turkey. Oh.
- Oh.

- Oh, 'old me.
- Oh.

- Kiss me.
- Oh.

When are we going to get married?

Ah, well, l am sorry, Yvette.

First l must marry Edith
to get my caf? back.

Oh, but Ren?, l cannot stand ze waiting,

ze longing, ze yearning.

Oh, how my heart pounds and flutters.

Can you not feel it through your apron?

l thought you had a wild pigeon in there.

- Oh!
- Ren?!

What are you doing
with your arms around that girl?

You stupid woman!

Can you not see she is suffering
from claustrophobia?

(Gasping)

She accidentally
locked herself in the larder.

But there is no key.

Of course there is no key.
That is why she could not get out.

- (Yvette gasping)
- There, are you feeling better?

- Thank you, Ren?.
- Oh, the poor child.

lt happened to me, once.

My heart fluttered like a wild pigeon.

l screamed and screamed
but nobody came.

We thought you were singing.

'Ere is the schnapps.

And if you would like
a little fun and games upstairs,

it will be 1 ,000 francs.

There is my card with my address.

''Mimi La Bonque.

''Turn left at the top of the stairs,

''second door past the linen cupboard.''

Pss-pss.

My home is next to hers.

l am half-price.

Dah!

Now, Yvette, clean those tables.

Ren?, every bone in my body
is aching for you.

Come to me at midnight
in ze airing cupboard.

Mimi, my wife may not be asleep

and besides, it is very warm in there
next to the hot-water tank.

l think l can fix the old boiler
with a hammer.

Might be kinder
if you gave her a sleeping pill.

Dear Mme Edith, l bring you lilies.

Oh, how thoughtful.
l will put them in water.

l was about to place them
on the grave of my late uncle

when l thought to myself,
''What the heck.''

All he left me was a rolled-gold
half hunter which would not tick.

- How is my mother?
- Oh.

She sat up beside me on the hearse

when we buried M Saulier, the cobbler.

She had the time of her life.

Edith, what is going on?

l had to spring-clean the room of my
mother where the British airmen hide.

And M Alfonse kindly
consented to take them

to the funeral of the cobbler.

lt was a notable occasion.

Over 40 of his fellow cobblers attended

to pay tribute to 'im
and sing in ze church.

And l've never heard such a lot of...

people of that profession singing hymns.

Ren?, General von Klinkerhoffen
is coming to your caf?.

- Are the satisfied the sausages are safe?
- They are well-hung.

Am l missing something?

Stand up!

Pay attention.
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen.

- l say, what's going on?
- lt's the Jerry general.

- Talk and you'll be shot.
- We're in the right clobber.

General von Klinkerhoffen.

- Heil Hitler.
- (All) Heil Hitler.

Heil-a Mussolini!

Mussolini never go well.

lt has been brought to my notice

that no peasants will consent
to work in the vineyard.

Everyone present
is recruited for forced labour.

Names will be taken.

You will assemble at dawn
in ze town square

and will march under escort
to your destination.

Take ze names, Gruber. Heil Hitler!

(All) Heil Hitler.

(Clunk)

Ze German swine.

l agree with her.

Stop it.

Quick, quick. Hurry up, you peasants.

Get into line. Quickly. Quick, quick.

Shoo! Shoo! Quickly. Hurry up.

Quick.

To think that l have come to this.

l, Ren? Artois - a slave labourer.

Every cloud 'as a silver lining.

At the vineyard,
we can search for the miniature camera.

- Shh.
- (Gruber) Attention!

You will follow me in my little tank.

Runaways and stragglers will be shot

with my big gun.

Attention!

Clarence, forwards.

(Engine grinds)

(Gruber) What is going on?
What do you mean, the battery's flat?

Oh.

l think l need a little push.

Push, push.

Keep picking.

And l do not wish to see
any squashy ones.

Psst.

Keep your eye open for the camera.

Oh, you can rely on us.

When you find it,
'ide it secretly on your person.

Hey, what do you think?
l 'ave found a camera.

(All) Shh!

ldiot. That is what we are looking for.

Where is Michelle?

She is not here
but they took 'er name in the caf?.

lf they find out she is missing,
they'll find her and shoot her.

Oh, my God.

Somebody is bringing your mother
in a wheelchair.

Oh dear. l hope she's well wrapped up.

lt is l, Michelle.

What have you brought her 'ere for?

The General is coming
to supervise the vintage

and to test the wine
from the cellar that they requisitioned.

l have brought these tablets.
Zey are poison.

Wh...

M Alfonse, you will place one

in the wine
that is being tasted by the General.

He will die but the poison
will leave no trace.

But mademoiselle, everyone
will think my wine has killed 'im.

My business will be ruined.

You will be doing it for France.

Yes and if zat goes wrong,

we have a reserve plan
to kill ze German swine.

(Gruber) Nobody is treading the grapes.

lnto ze barrels, tread ze grapes.

Everyone, take your shoes off.

Except you.

Well.

Ye...er, thank you, Lieutenant.

(Squelching)

Urgh.

One, two, one, two.

Ooh. To feel the juice
swelling up between the toes

is quite sexy, is it not?

lt might be exciting your bunions, Edith,

but it is doing very little for me.

Maybe it will cure your athlete's foot.

Come, Colonel.
The chateau has a good reputation.

Let's taste the wine.

Ren?, look!
lt is General von Klinkerhoffen.

Welcome, General,

to your commandeered vineyard.

We have been told your '32
is very good. Do you have a sample?

l have samples for every year

but l doubt the General
will be able to taste them all.

This is ze '38.

(Coughs) Pardon.

You do not taste your own wine?

Of course.

Excellent.

Ze connoisseurs, of course,
do not consume ze wine,

- they schpit it out.
- Of course.

We must do the same.
We must not look like barbarians.

And this, erm, is the 1937.

lt may be a little rough in the aftertaste.

Thank you.

Psst. lt is no good,
he is spitting it all out.

l was relying on 'im consuming
at least three glasses.

Good, we can give up.
Get your shoes off and start treading.

No, we 'ave ze other plan.

Beneath ze wheelchair
of your wife's mother

is a big shell case filled with explosives.

lt is connected to an alarm clock

which Mimi will now activate.

Ren?, they must not blow up my mother.

No. Not at this close range, anyway.

Don't worry, she has been well-briefed.

When it rings, she will leap out
of the chair and take cover.

Five seconds later,
there will be a big explosion.

- Did you activate the clock?
- Yes.

l found zis on ze floor.

- That is the detonator.
- Will it explode without it?

No but it will fizz a lot.

- What is this one?
- The '32.

Excellent. Do you not think so, Colonel?

- Quite a poem.
- l will have six cases.

Helga, you must try this.

Madame, do you enjoy wine?

Enjoy it? Young man,

l am a connoisseur.

l know zat we are enemies
but not, l hope,

- in ze presence of great wine.
- Please.

Allow me.

(Alarm rings)

Ren?, she cannot hear
without her ear trumpet.

Get her out.

What is your opinion, madame?

- (Fizzing)
- l think it is a very good...

Cancel the six cases.