'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Flying Nun - full transcript

Things are looking up.

A slip of the tongue by the Colonel

revealed to me that the Germans
are soon to invade England.

Churchill will, of course,
chuck in the sponge.

The war will be over in a few weeks and
life will return to normal at Caf? Ren?.

The two stupid British airmen
that l am 'iding, of course, have no idea.

(Both) Hello!

The Germans will invade soon
and the British will surrender.

- Jolly good show!
- Bang on!

They have no idea
what l am talking about.

Still, as l said, things are looking up.



Ren?!

What do you think?

Are you taking up beekeeping?

l am choosing a veil for the wedding.

What wedding?

Our wedding! You to me!

Oh, Edith, do we have to
go through with this ridiculous charade?

Of course! Everyone saw
the Germans execute you.

They believe
you are your own twin brother.

You are living with me
and tongues are wagging.

Let them wag.

Have you no feeling for my reputation?

Anyway, it is all arranged.

On the morning of the 14th,
the church bells will ring out.



The neighbours will line the streets.

They will throng to the service.

The organ will play.

You will be waiting at the altar
in a top 'at and morning suit.

l will glide down the aisle
and smile up at you,

wearing this.

What do you think of it?

Can you not get a thicker one?

( Gypsy tune)

Zigeuner, Zigeuner

(Knocking)

(Knocking persists)

l forgot my key.

How dare you employ Gestapo
dynamite for improper purposes?

l am sorry, Herr Flick.

You have a visitor.

- You sent for me, Herr Flick?
- Yes, Helga.

Take off your uniform.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Vill zere be anything else, Herr Flick?

Not vile you are looking.

Go avay.

Herr Flick, l am obeying your command,
knowing not what is in store for me.

All will be revealed in a moment.

Of this l have very little doubt.

Ze Gestapo suspects that the Colonel
and General von Klinkerhoffen

may be involved in a plot
to assassinate Hitler.

l am sure this is not so.

- Continue to undress.
- Yes, Herr Flick.

We cannot take any chances.

Give me your uniform.

- Sit in ze chair.
- Yes, Herr Flick.

A listening device will be placed
in ze office of the Colonel

by a Gestapo agent disguised
as a temporary typist.

But the Colonel does not need
a temporary typist.

He will when you do not turn up
for a week.

Herr Flick! To what are you up?

l was intending to lock you in here.

Now l have no door,
we must make other arrangements.

Exciting as this may seem,
Herr Flick, you are my fianc?.

Why are you doing this to me?

Because l do not wish you to reveal
ze identity of the Gestapo agent.

Who is the Gestapo agent?

Me.

'Urry, and put the flowers on the table.

We will soon be open.

And l 'ope you will change
your apron before we are open.

There is more food on it
than there is on the menu.

Ren?, l will wash it for you.

l will use the last of my soap ration.

Then l will press it against my 'ot body
as l sleep tonight, dreaming of you.

Would you wash my socks as well?

ls ze coast clear?

Gather round. There is very little time.

l shall say this only once.

Before you start,
that new radio is useless.

Yes. All we can hear on it is
''kkkksssskkkss''!

Zat is because
the Gestapo are jamming it.

l 'ave come to tell you that
we must have a longer aerial.

But we do not possess a longer aerial.

lf you listen, l will tell you.

Once.

A kite is being constructed

that will take the wire
to the required height.

Mimi, you will collect
this kite from ze convent.

To avoid suspicion,
you will be disguised as a small nun.

She could hardly
be disguised as a big one.

Why cannot l go?

l can disguise myself as a nun
just as well as her.

You are known to all the village
as a woman of the streets.

Lots of women
of ze streets become nuns.

Not overnight.

No, Yvette, it takes weeks of practice.

Ren?, you will fly the kite
and inform London the radio is working.

Will that not be obvious?

You will also inform them
that we require plastic explosives

to break into the German
general's safe in the chateau

to obtain the details
of the plan to invade England.

Could you not do some of this?

Why is it that you always
question my decisions?

Could you do my job better?

Could you run the Resistance,
keeping everyone 'appy?

Deciding who to shoot, what to blow up?

- Making threatening calls?
- l...

Do you know what
my telephone bill is every month?

- Michelle...
- Join the Communist Resistance!

Get up their noses!

Michelle, l have never seen you like this.

Oh, l am sorry. Sometimes
l wonder if it is all worthwhile.

Now look what you have done.

You have upset the Resistance.

And you have made her
drop her bullets!

Oh, look.
Do not put this one in your gun.

lt is a lipstick.

All right. l am sorry, Michelle.

We will do as you ask.

Look, you just go and disappear,
like...like a phantom.

Take her away, girls, please.

Good moaning.

Outside your coffee was
this bunch of diffodills and dozes.

Pinned to them is a nit.

Pardon me if l love you,
but l have my dirty to do.

Oh. They are for you, Edith.

Who could be sending you flowers?

Oh! They are from the ltalian captain!

''To Madame Edith, a beautiful laydee.''

And he has written me a little poem!

''All-a night-a, l dream-a of your face

''as l a-sleep-a in my room

''l think l must-a be in love

''My heart go
boom-titty-boom-titty-boom''

That is a terrible poem.

l will put them in water.

He is not the first Eyetie
to have had the 'ots for me.

Ten years ago an ice-cream man
gave her a free cornet.

Ren?! We are alone!

- Oh, Yvette!
- Ohh, Ren?!

Ooh!

Oh, my body is crying out for you.

Could you make it cry quietly?
My wife is in the kitchen.

Put around me your strong arms.
Crush this yearning out of me.

Put your rough cheek against my cheek.

Run your rough hands
through my hair.

Put your rough lips against my lips.

Oh, Ren?. l would do anything for you.

Well, next time you go to the chemist,

could you get me a pot of skin cream?

- Oh, Ren?.
- (Doorbell)

Monsieur!

What is this l see before me?

The fianc? of the woman l love
locked in the arms of another.

Th-there is an explanation...

To think l have suppressed my desire
for that honourable lady

out of respect
for your bravery and honour.

And all the time, you are doing
a number behind her back.

We were not kissing,
we were 'olding each other.

l do not wish to know
what you were 'olding.

- Where is the woman l adore?
- She is in ze kitchen.

Gutting fish.

Very well, monsieur. l will go to 'er.

But from now on, monsieur,
the gloves are off.

And l will press my suit.

- l intend telling her everything l've seen.
- Oh, but, M Alfonse,

a Frenchman does not tell
on another Frenchman.

This is true.

But l have Belgian blood
on my mother's side.

Ah, Gruber. Thank you for coming.

- Where is Helga?
- l wish l knew.

She hasn't reported for duty.

(Tuts) l do not know
why they have girls in ze army,

they are most unreliable. lt's a man's job.

l quite agree. Now, Gruber,
you have got to help me.

We must get rid of this terrible ltalian.

He does nothing but hang around
my office and get in my hair.

lt's vorse than that, Colonel.
He is sharing my billet.

lt's difficult to make
ze copies of ze paintings

which we intend to sell.

He's got to go.

l vonder if Ren? could get
the Resistance to blow him up.

That does seem a little drastic, Colonel.

Well, almost blow him up,

enough to make him a nervous wreck
so he can be sent home.

He's very boring, always talking
about his conquests with women.

lt's bad enough to be an ltalian

but to be a boring ltalian is unforgivable.

(Metal clinking)

Colonelo!

My friend!

Ahhh! Mwah! Mwah!

Gruberto!

Ooh.

You too are my friend, eh?

l bring-a the pipers.
All over, we win-a the war!

You don't vin-a the var, ve vin-a the var!

Well, you Germans, you like-a the war.

We ltalians, we don't want no trouble.

We make-a the pasta,
we make-a the love, and we sing.

One night of love!

Silence! l will not have
singing in my office.

One wonders, Captain Bertorelli,
why you joined the army anyway.

lt's-a the uniform.
lt drive-a the laydees mad.

My name is
lrma von Kinkenrotten,

your temporary stenographer.

- Where is Helga?
- She was unexpectedly detained.

As one of her most intimate
female girlfriends

she has asked me to stand in for her.

To demonstrate how excited l am
at zis opportunity

to be of service to you
and the fatherland,

l have brought you zese flowers.

- (Clicks tongue)
- Ooh!

lf you do that again you will be shot.

What a mistake-a to make-a.

Thank you, Private Kinkenrotten,
that will be all.

That will not be all!

The General orders you to report
to the chateau.

- At what time?
- At once, at ze double!

We mustn't keep the General waiting.

l'll give you a lift in my little tank.

lt's quite speedy
if you give it a bit of schtick.

- ls there-a room-a for me?
- lf you sit on my knee.

l take-a the bus.

What are you doing in my clobber
and how did you get here?

Removing my shoe, l succeeded in
grasping a hairpin with my toes.

Placing it between my teeth,
l managed to viggle open the lock

on the steel band restraining my wrist.

After that, it was quite simple.

You clearly have many talents
formerly unknown to me.

Take these headphones
and pass them through the window.

And stop doing that silly limp.

What are you doing, Herr Flick?

Come here and l will show you.

ln this vase is
a powerful Gestapo microphone.

lt can be activated from
a distance in this fashion.

(Whirring)

Through this almost invisible
microphone

the most intimate conversations
can be heard.

l find the ingenuity
of the Gestapo most exciting.

- You may kiss me.
- l overheard that quite distinctly.

Go and hide under a bush!

( Piano)

(Tunelessly) How would you
like to hug and squeeze?

How would you like to daddy me
on your knees?

How would you like to be
my lovey-dovey?

How would you like to spoon
with me-e-e-e-e?

Ohh, magnifico!

He likes it! He likes it!

Don't encourage her! She'll sing again.

She's a beautiful laydee.

Also, she is owner of caf?.

After all the war is over,
is a nice business for Alberto.

Bravo! More, more, more!

l thought we Germans
were the ruthless ones.

Now l would like to sing
for you a little...

l am sorry, my wife cannot sing
for you again, Captain.

But Ren?, the Captain likes my singing.

Yes, but Edith, we have to light
the candles in the church.

lt is our special saint's day.

Have you forgotten, Edith,
or are you as 'igh as a kite?

What saint's day is this?

lt is the patron saint
of all the innkeepers.

That is right, yes, er...Saint lnebriata.

Go on, Edith, go and get ready.

Psst! Listen -

we have to leave now to contact
London. You know what to do?

(Scoffs) l was running a bar

when ze Kaiser was in shorts.

Now, somebody wants a large gin.

Who?

Me.

Ren?, more drinks, table three.

Erm, oh. Two Cognacs.

Two Cognacs!

- One house wine.
- One house wine!

Ren?, look!

A very small nun.

One small nun!

Ah! Er, holy sister of mercy,

erm...

How unusual to see one of your calling

coming in through the front door.

No doubt you are 'ere to remind
me about the candle lighting.

Go into the kitchen, Sister,
and help yourself to some gruel.

And stay in there
or you'll get us all shot.

(Sighs)

Right, now, all we need are
the batteries for the wireless.

They are in the kitchen.
Are you ready?

Edith, l am scared.
What if we get caught?

Ren?, where is your manhood?

Do not start all that again.

General von Klinkerhoffen!

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

(Spitting)

You may be seated.

Not you.

lt seems you spend more time
in here carousing

than you do in prosecuting the war.
This will not be tolerated.

Generalo, my friend. lt's-a lunch time.

We eat-a, we sing-a,
we chat up-a the girls.

Then after we have-a the lunch,
we make-a the war.

l am under the impression, Captain,

that you could not fight your way
out of a wet paper bag.

You will all accompany me
on my tour of inspection of the area.

March!

Here, Colonel, how does he say
about the paper bag?

How does he think
l win all these medals?

You shut-a your cakehole.

Oh, these batteries are 'eavy as lead.

That is because they are lead.

The radio is no lightweight either.

Nor is this picnic.

l would gladly 'elp you
but l 'ave a lot of back trouble.

Also you 'ave a lot of front trouble.

- How much further?
- This will be a nice place for a picnic.

We are not having a picnic,
we are contacting London.

Now, where is Crabtree?

Good moaning.

Where is the coat?

- He means kite.
- lt is under my skirt.

Gentlemen, avert your eyes.

l 'ope she did not thonk
we were looking at a nun's knockers.

Help me to assemble the kite.

That area will be occupied
by one regiment of artillery.

What a pretty field.

ln a few months' time,
there will 2,000 men camping here.

Make a note of that, Gruber.

l already have.

lt is very large.

The aerial has to be very high
to get above ze jamming.

Ze wire is connected.

There is a strong wind from the wost.

lt is best that we hide
in the bushes with the radio

whilst you get the kite in the air.
Here is the wire.

l have the microphone
and the earphones in here

with the tomatoes and the cucumbers.

Michelle is mad. The Germans
will see a thing of that size.

At 500 feet it will be just like a little dot.

Yvette and l will hold the coat in the ear.

On the word go, we will lunch it.

What do l do?

'Ere, take ze wire
and run into ze wind as fast as you can.

And good lick.

- Are you ready?
- Get it up! Get it up!

Stand by!

One, two, throo, go!

Faster! Faster!

- l am going as fast as l can!
- Faster!

Oh, well done, Ren?!

(Panting)

Let out ze line!

Already l am hearing the crackling.

'Allo, London. 'Allo, London.

This is Nighthawk calling London.

(Wind whistling)

The wind, it is very strong up there.

lt is slipping through my hands!

Get it up higher! Get it up higher!

lt is burning my fingers, l cannot...

Ah!

'Allo? 'Allo, London. 'Allo, London.

This is Mrs Nighthawk calling London.

You have gone very faint.

God! We 'ave lost our new waitress.

And good staff are so difficult to find.

Quick! Follow that nin!

That will be the assembly area
for 250 tanks.

General, l know it's top secret

but when will we get to know
the date for the invasion?

Unfortunately, Hitler depends more

on the advice of his astrologers
than his generals.

He claims to be waiting for a sign.

When that sign arrives, he will invade.

lt is my opinion
that we are not yet ready.

Would he regard...
a flying nun as a lucky omen?

l should think he'd be off tomorrow.
Why do you ask?

No reason at all.