'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 4, Episode 3 - Good Staff Are Hard to Find - full transcript
To replace Maria,Michelle brings in Mimi Labonq,who is very tiny but very tenacious and vows to be Rene's bodyguard. She is also very fanatical and Rene has to stop her from poisoning Flick. A new radio is also brought to the cafe by Roger LeClerc but this coincides with the arrival of Geering's replacement,the Italian Captain Bertorelli. He too almost falls victim to Mimi when he misunderstands her invitation to go upstairs and look at some paintings.
( theme music playing )
AH!
THE MORE OBSERVANT AMONG YOU
MAY NOTE THAT
I AM WEARING A CLEAN,
NEW APRON.
I HAVE TRIMMED MY MOUSTACHE
AND MANICURED MY NAILS.
IF YOU WERE STANDING
NEXT TO ME
YOU WOULD KNOW ALSO
THAT I AM WEARING
A VERY POWERFUL
AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
MY WIFE FINDS IT
IRRESISTIBLE--
SO I SELDOM WEAR IT.
BUT THIS IS
A SPECIAL OCCASION.
SINCE MY WAITRESS
HAS BEEN LOST IN THE POST,
I NOW HAVE TO FIND A NEW GIRL
TO WORK UNDER ME IN THE BAR
AND THERE HAVE BEEN
MANY APPLICATIONS.
RENE,
THIS NEW GIRL THAT
YOU WILL BE TAKING ON--
PROMISE ME YOU WILL NOT
FALL IN LOVE WITH HER.
OH, YVETTE,
WHAT A SUGGESTION.
HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ME
TO DECEIVE ANYONE?
LOOK OUT,
MY WIFE IS COMING.
RENE, ARE THE GIRLS
HERE YET?
MONSIEUR LECLERC
HAS ASSEMBLED THEM OUTSIDE.
AH, GOOD.
SHOW THEM IN.
I WILL INTERVIEW THEM.
EDITH, THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU
TO BOTHER YOURSELF WITH THIS.
I KNOW THE TYPE OF GIRL
I WANT TO WORK IN OUR CAFE.
SO DO I,
AND IT IS NOT
"OUR" CAFE,
IT IS MY CAFE.
IT WILL ONLY BE "OUR" CAFE
WHEN YOU MARRY ME AGAIN.
YES, EDITH.
PSST!
THE GIRLS, THEY ARE
GETTING RESTLESS.
SHOW IN
THE FIRST APPLICANT.
MADAME SABLON.
VERY SUITABLE.
I AGREE.
WHEN CAN SHE START?
BUT-- BUT, EDITH,
SHE HAS TO GET
DOWN ON HER KNEES TO CLEAN THE FLOORS
AND CLIMB THE STAIRS
TO ENTERTAIN THE GERMANS.
BUT I CAN GET ON MY KNEES
AND I AM ABLE
TO ENTERTAIN THE GERMANS.
SHE IS PERFECT!
YES, BUT WE MUST
SEE THE OTHERS.
WE WILL LET YOU KNOW,
MADAME SABLON.
MADEMOISELLE
ANGELIQUE VITESSE,
38-28-38.
NEXT, PLEASE.
COLONEL, GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS HERE.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN?
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
( shouting )
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER!
SIT!
GO AWAY.
YES, GENERAL.
THE INVASION OF ENGLAND
IS IN PREPARATION
AND WILL TAKE PLACE
BEFORE THE WINTER.
MY CHATEAU IS TO BE
THE OPERATIONAL CENTER--
ALL PLANNING
WILL BE CARRIED OUT THERE.
YOUR AREA, COLONEL,
IS CONSEQUENTLY
OF VITAL IMPORTANCE.
SECURITY MUST BE WATERTIGHT.
I UNDERSTAND,
HERR GENERAL.
WHERE'S YOUR ASSISTANT?
HE VOLUNTEERED
FOR THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
GOOD.
I INTENDED TO SEND
HIM THERE ANYWAY.
YOU ARE TO HAVE
A NEW ASSISTANT.
I AM DELIGHTED
TO HEAR IT, GENERAL.
MUSSOLINI HAS PERSUADED
HERR HITLER
THAT A SMALL TOKEN FORCE
SHOULD JOIN US IN THE INVASION.
WE ARE THEREFORE TO HAVE
A LIAISON OFFICER.
IT'S NOT AGREEABLE TO ME,
BUT WE MUST OBEY ORDERS.
IN ORDER TO KEEP HIM
OUT OF MY HAIR,
I HAVE PLACED HIM
UNDER YOUR COMMAND.
BRING IN
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
BRING IN
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI!
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
( Italian accent )
MAMA MIA,
THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.
I KISS-A YOUR HAND.
CAPTAIN!
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
OFFICERS IN THE GERMAN ARMY
DO NOT KISS
THE LADY PRIVATES.
WHAT A MISTAKE-A
TO MAKE-A!
GENERAL, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
BUT I AM ITALIAN--
WHEN I SEE THE BEAUTIFUL LADY,
MY HEART GO,
"BOOM-DIDDY-BOOM...
DIDDY-BOOM."
THIS IS YOUR
COMMANDING OFFICER, COLONEL VON STROHM.
COLONEL,
YOU HAVE A KIND FACE.
TO YOU I GIVE
A SALUTE.
IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE
YOU HAVE HERE.
I THINK I BE
VERY HAPPY.
THIS-A MY DESK?
NO, THIS-A MY DESK.
I FORGET.
GENERAL,
I HAVE FOR YOU
THE SPECIAL GIFT
FROM MUSSOLINI.
IS THE ITALIAN
WAR HERO MEDAL.
OH, THE ITALIAN
WAR HERO MEDAL.
I DON'T THINK
I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
I THINK THEY'RE VERY RARE.
YOU, TOO,
HAVE MANY MEDALS.
ME, I AM HERO.
THESE HERE,
FOR SERVICE IN ABYSSINIA.
THESE, FOR SERVICE
IN NORTH AFRICA.
AND THE BOTTOM ROW?
THEY ARE FOR
SERVICING FIATS.
MADEMOISELLE
VALERIE VENDOME.
36-22-36.
MISS VENDOME, WHAT IS
YOUR EXPERIENCE?
UNTIL RECENTLY,
I WORKED IN A CIRCUS.
I CAN RIDE
A ONE WHEEL BICYCLE.
VERY HANDY
FOR ERRANDS.
I CAN DO ALSO
THE ACROBATICS.
IT WOULD BE--
IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR DUSTING UNDER THE BED.
OH, THE BEST YET.
I ALSO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
SINGING VOICE,
AND I DO CABARET.
SO DO I.
NEXT, PLEASE.
MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
YOU FOOL.
DO YOU WANT
THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW?
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I WILL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
A NEW RADIO
HAS ARRIVED FOR YOU.
BUT MICHELLE,
THE GERMANS KNOW OUR WAVELENGTH.
WE HAVE CHANGED
THE WAVELENGTH.
THE RADIO WILL BE DELIVERED
BY A MAN DISGUISED
AS A MOUNTAINEER.
BUT THE NEAREST MOUNTAIN
IS 100 MILES AWAY.
HE IS LOST.
NATURALLY,
HE WILL COME IN HERE ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS.
- NOW LOOK--
- NO MORE QUESTIONS.
YOUR NEW SERVING GIRL IS
TO BE FROM THE RESISTANCE.
I HAVE HER OUTSIDE.
SHE WAS A GANG LEADER
IN PARIS.
( blows whistle )
MIMI,
I WANT YOU TO MEET
THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE,
RENE ARTOIS.
MY NAME
IS MIMI LABONQ.
THIS IS MY WIFE, EDITH.
MADEMOISELLE LABONQ.
THIS IS YVETTE,
THE OTHER SERVANT.
RENE IS VERY IMPORTANT
TO THE RESISTANCE.
YOU MUST GUARD HIM
WITH YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS MY BODYGUARD?
I WILL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF THE WHOLE TOWN.
SHOW HIM.
AAH!
GOOD!
SHE IS HIRED!
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.
OH HECK, IT IS HERR FLICK
FROM THE GESTAPO.
OH GOD.
PUT THAT AWAY.
EDITH, HE WILL WANT
HIS TABLE IN THE BACK ROOM.
BUT THE AIRMEN
ARE IN THERE.
WELL, GET RID OF THEM!
AH, HERR FLICK.
WELCOME TO MY
HUMBLE CAFE.
LET ME TAKE FROM YOU
YOUR SINISTER LEATHER COAT.
- HELLO!
- HELLO!
WE NEED THIS ROOM.
YOU MUST NOT
BE DISCOVERED.
YOU MUST LEAVE.
GET OUT!
I WILL JUST MAKE SURE
THE ROOM IS EMPT--
PREPARED FOR YOU,
HERR FLICK.
ALL IS CLEAR.
COME IN, HERR FLICK.
PLEASE SIT DOWN,
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
MIMI, A MENU AND WINE
FOR HERR FLICK AND HIS BIT OF STU--
HIS LADY FRIEND.
I HAVE ALREADY PREPARED
A BOTTLE FOR THE GESTAPO.
IT IS VERY
STUFFY IN HERE.
LET ME OPEN
A WINDOW FOR YOU.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD EVENING,
OFFICER.
HOW COMFORTING TO KNOW
THAT YOU ARE DOING YOUR DUTY.
DO NOT WASTE
YOUR TORCH.
IT IS A DICK NIGHT.
VERY LIKELY, YES.
I THOUGHT I SAW TWO MEN
LEAKING BY YOUR DUSTBINS.
THAT IS FRANCE FOR YOU.
- HELLO!
- HELLO!
THE POLICE ARE PATROLLING
THE GROUNDS.
MIMI, WINE FOR
THE GESTAPO OFFICER.
HERE YOU ARE, SIR.
YOU WILL NEVER DRINK
A BETTER BOTTLE.
I WILL DO IT.
OF COURSE,
HERR FLICK.
WHEN YOU SPEAK IN SUCH
A DOMINATING FASHION
I GO WEAK AT THE KNEES.
THIS IS NORMAL.
HELGA, I WISH YOU TO KNOW
THAT THIS IS
A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION.
I HAVE DECIDED
TO MARRY YOU.
HERR FLICK,
I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING
TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE WAR?
THESE ARE
DANGEROUS TIMES, HELGA.
WE MUST GRAB EVERY MOMENT
OF HAPPINESS WHILE WE MAY.
BUT HERR FLICK,
YOU HAVE ALWAYS MANAGED
TO GRAB IT SO FAR WITHOUT
GETTING MARRIED.
MIMI, YOU MUST NOT
OVERSELL OUR WINE.
IT IS ONLY PLONK.
IT WAS QUITE RIDICULOUS
TO TELL HERR FLICK
HE WOULD NEVER OPEN
A BETTER BOTTLE.
IT WAS THE TRUTH.
I REMOVED THE CORK
FROM THE BOTTLE,
AND PUT IN
A DEADLY POISON.
IN FOUR MINUTES,
HE WILL BE NO MORE.
MIMI, NOT IN MY CAFE!
HELGA, MAY WE BE BLESSED
WITH MANY LITTLE MEMBERS
OF THE MASTER RACE.
( shatters )
IT WAS NOT A GOOD YEAR.
GOOD EVENING,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
A TABLE BY THE WINDOW?
I WOULD PREFER TO HAVE
A LITTLE SNIFTER BY THE BAR.
OF COURSE.
TAKE THIS INTO HIM,
AND REMEMBER THERE IS A HOUSE RULE--
YOU DO NOT KILL PEOPLE
ON THE PREMISES.
GOOD EVENING, RENE.
GOOD EVENING,
LIEUTENANT.
THAT IS THE ONE
THAT FANCIES ME.
WHO IS TO BLAME HIM?
YOU HAVE A QUALITY
THAT IS IRRESISTIBLE.
YOU, TOO?
FROM THE MOMENT
I SAW YOU,
MY LIPS HUNGERED
FOR YOUR LIPS.
PRACTICE ON THIS,
I AM RATHER BUSY.
THAT'S A VERY EXCITING
PERFUME YOU ARE WEARING.
YES YES.
IT IS MY AFTERSHAVE.
IT IS COLOGNE,
FOR MEN.
NO DOUBT THAT IS WHY
I AM ATTRACTED TO IT.
RENE,
I WISH TO SPEAK
TO YOU CONFIDENTIALLY.
CAN YOU BEND OVER
A LITTLE?
OH YES,
YES OF COURSE.
COULD YOU OBTAIN FOR ME,
PERHAPS FROM YOUR WIFE,
EDITH,
SOME DARK RED LIPSTICK?
ARE YOU GOING
SOMEWHERE SPECIAL?
RENE,
DO NOT GET
THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT ME.
I DO NOT WEAR LIPSTICK,
EVEN WHEN I'M GOING
SOMEWHERE SPECIAL.
I AM SORRY,
LIEUTENANT.
I NEED IT TO COMPLETE
THE FORGERY OF
THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG--
THE BIG--
EXACTLY.
HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON
WITH THE PAINTINGS?
I AM MAKING PROGRESS.
BUT IT IS
QUITE A TASK.
ONE FOR HITLER,
ONE FOR THE COLONEL,
ONE FOR THE GENERAL.
IT'S A LOT OF WORK.
AND A LOT OF--
EXACTLY.
YOU SHALL HAVE
THE LIPSTICK, LIEUTENANT.
GOOD EVENING,
COLONEL.
GOOD EVENING,
YVETTE.
RENE, I WANT
TO SPEAK TO YOU.
YES, COLONEL.
I HAVE ARRANGED TO MEET
MY NEW ASSISTANT HERE.
HE WILL BE
MOST WELCOME, COLONEL.
PSST!
HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN,
OR THE PAINTING,
OR THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT
THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
NOR DOES HE KNOW
ABOUT MY LITTLE VISIT UPSTAIRS WITH THE GIRLS.
WITH THE FLYING HELMET
AND THE WET CELERY.
NEVER MENTION
THE FLYING HELMET AND THE WET CELERY.
RELY ON US, COLONEL.
HIS NAME IS
BERTORELLI.
WHAT, VON BERTORELLI?
CAPTAIN ALBERTO BERTORELLI.
HE IS AN ITAI.
AN ITALIAN UNIT WILL BE
COMING WITH US
WHEN WE INVADE ENGLAND.
I SUPPOSE SOMEBODY
HAS TO TAKE OVER
THE ICE CREAM BUSINESS.
WHEN IS
THE INVASION?
I SHOULDN'T
HAVE TOLD YOU.
FORGET IT,
FORGET IT.
YES, FORGET IT,
YVETTE.
NEVER MENTION THE INVASION
OR THE FACT THE COLONEL
TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.
AND BY THE WAY, COLONEL,
WE ARE RUNNING RATHER SHORT
OF BUTTER AND SUGAR,
Both:
AND PARAFFIN, AND CIGARETTES.
NO PROBLEM.
COLONEL,
YOU MY FRIEND,
AND I KEEP YOU WAITING.
BUT YOU FORGIVE ME, NO?
THIS IS
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
YES, I GUESSED.
GOOD EVENING, CAPTAIN,
AND WELCOME.
PATRON!
I AM JUST A SIMPLE PEASANT,
YOU UNDERSTAND,
TRYING TO SCRATCH A LIVING
WITH MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AND MY WIFE.
I EMBRACE YOUR WIFE.
I EMBRACE YOUR
MOTHER-IN-LAW.
I AM HIS WIFE!
WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.
MAMA MIA, WHO IS THIS
HANDSOME OFFICER
WHO LOOK LIKE
THE FILM STAR?
THIS IS
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
I HEARD ABOUT YOU
FROM THE GENERAL.
THIS IS
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
I HEARD ABOUT YOU
FROM THE GENERAL.
HOW ARE YOU
GOING ON, EH?
YVETTE, EDITH.
( groans )
DOES NOBODY HEAR THE CRY
OF A BEDRIDDEN WOMAN?!
STOP SHOUTING, MAMA.
THE WHOLE CAFE
CAN HEAR YOU.
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
SINCE THERE IS
NO RADIO
UNDER THE BED,
NOBODY COMES UP
TO MY ROOM.
WHY DO YOU NOT
READ FROM YOUR BOOK?
MY HANDS,
THEY SHAKE TOO MUCH.
I AM NOT SURPRISED.
"LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER"?
YOU SHOULD NOT BE READING
SUCH A BOOK AT YOUR AGE.
AT MY AGE,
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
COLONEL,
IN MY ROOM
IS A PAINTING
ON WHICH I WOULD
LIKE YOUR ADVICE.
A PAINTING?
WHY WOULD I WANT
TO SEE A PAINTING?
IT IS OF A FLYING HELMET
AND SOME WET CELERY.
SHH!
I WILL COME AT ONCE.
DO YOU ALSO HAVE ONE
OF AN EGG WHISK?
I AM SURE
I CAN FIND ONE.
OH MY GOD.
GOOD EVENING.
CAN ANYBODY HELP
A POOR, WEARY OLD MOUNTAINEER
WHO HAS LOST HIS WAY?
COME OVER HERE,
OLD MOUNTAINEER,
AND TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM.
KIND, MOST KIND,
INNKEEPER.
I WAS LUCKY TO SEE
YOUR LIGHT.
YES, IT IS.
I HAVE TRAMPED FOR HOURS
AND HOURS AND TRAMPED--
SHUT UP.
WHAT IS IT?
IT IS I, LECLERC.
THAT IS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR
TO ALL BUT THE TOTALLY BLIND.
IN THE PACK ON MY BACK
IS YOUR NEW RADIO.
IT IS ALREADY CONNECTED
TO THE BATTERIES.
HERE IS THE AERIAL.
( radio music plays )
( music stops )
( flatulent sound )
EDITH, GET THIS IDIOT
UP TO YOUR MOTHER'S ROOM BEFORE HE GETS US SHOT.
HE CANNOT GO TO
THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER.
SHE IS DOING
PRIVATE THINGS.
YOU-- TAKE HIM
TO THE ROOM OF YVETTE.
SHE IS DOING
OFFICER THINGS.
OH HECK.
COME AND SIT DOWN,
WEARY OLD LOST MOUNTAINEER.
WE WILL BRING YOU
A BOWL OF SOUP
SO THAT YOU MAY
REFRESH YOURSELF
BEFORE YOU GO
TO YOUR ROOM. MIMI, SOUP.
GOOD EVENING.
AT WHAT THEATER
ARE YOU PERFORMING?
HAVE SOME WINE,
GARRULOUS OLD MOUNTAINEER
AND DO NOT TALK TO
THE CONQUERING HEROES.
REMEMBER, YOU ARE JUST
A SILLY OLD PEASANT.
( radio static )
( flatulent sound )
PARDON.
( static, flatulent sound )
TRY TO IGNORE HIM.
IS NOT EASY.
THAT COAT YOU WEAR,
IS... IS VERY FINE.
THIS IS WHAT
WE MOUNTAINEERS CALL--
IT IS A WIND CHEATER.
( static, flatulent sound )
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T TAKE IT OFF.
( radio music plays )
( mouthing music )
I HAVE BEEN GIVING
MUCH THOUGHT
TO THE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR OUR WEDDING.
HERR FLICK, ARE YOU QUITE SURE
THAT DEEP IN YOUR HEART,
WHEREVER IT IS,
YOU ARE READY FOR MARRIAGE?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
YOU ARE SO YOUNG,
SO ATTRACTIVE.
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS THROWING
THEMSELVES AT YOU.
THIS IS TRUE.
I WILL BE CONSUMED
WITH JEALOUSY.
I WILL BE BREAKING THE PLATES
WHEN I DO THE WASHING UP.
IF YOU DID,
YOU WOULD BE PUNISHED.
WE WILL BE MARRIED
IN A HIGH SECURITY GESTAPO CHAPEL.
AS WE LEAVE THE CEREMONY,
WE WILL WALK THROUGH
AN ARCH OF RUBBER TRUNCHEONS,
HELD BY MY GESTAPO COLLEAGUES
IN JACKBOOTS.
WE WILL LEAVE IN
A BLACK GESTAPO LIMOUSINE
SHOWERED WITH
PROPAGANDA PAMPHLETS.
WE WILL HONEYMOON
IN A BAVARIAN FOREST.
EVERY MORNING, WE WILL
LEAVE OUR CAMOUFLAGED TENT,
STRIP NAKED,
AND DIVE INTO THE ICY WATERS
OF A LIMPID DARK LAKE.
COULD I HAVE TIME
TO THINK ABOUT IT?
COLONEL, YOU LIKE
THE PAINTING, EH?
IT WAS
MOST ENJOYABLE.
YOU GOT THE LIPSTICK
ON YOUR FACE.
AND BEHIND YOUR EAR,
THERE IS A PIECE OF WET CELERY.
YOU NOT JUST LOOK
AT THE PAINTING, EH?
DO NOT POKE
YOUR WOP NOSE INTO MY BUSINESS.
COLONEL, MY FRIEND,
WE ARE BOTH MEN OF THE WORLD.
YOU FIX SO YVETTE
SHOW ME THE PAINTING, EH?
CERTAINLY NOT!
I WILL SHOW YOU
SOME PAINTINGS, CAPTAIN.
FOLLOW ME.
IS MY LUCKY NIGHT!
AND WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?
SHE SHOW ME
THE PAINTING.
YOU WILL NEVER SEE
BETTER PAINTINGS
AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.
GOOD EVENING.
HEIL HITLER.
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU PLAYING AT?
THE TOWN IS
FULL OF GERMANS.
LIKE THIS I CAN
MOVE AROUND FREELY.
LONDON WILL CONTACT YOU
IN 10 MINUTES
ON A NEW WAVELENGTH.
WITH A CAFE FULL
OF CUSTOMERS,
THAT IS ALL I NEED.
HOW IS THE NEW GIRL?
SHE IS A FANATIC.
SHE TRIED TO KILL HERR FLICK
IN THE BACK ROOM.
SHE HAS A RUTHLESS HATRED
OF THE ENEMY.
YVETTE, YVETTE.
TWO SOUPS
FOR TABLE THREE,
AND CHICKEN
FOR THE PARTY AT THE BACK--
I WOULD LIKE A SMALL PORT.
AND A PORT
FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
AND GET A MOVE ON.
I HAVE ONLY ONE
PAIR OF HANDS.
GET MIMI TO HELP YOU.
SHE IS UPSTAIRS
WITH CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
SHE IS A FAST WORKER,
THAT ONE.
SHE IS A SHOW OFF.
SHE TOLD HIM,
HE WOULD NEVER SEE
BETTER PAINTINGS
AS LONG AS HE LIVED.
OH MY GOD!
( Bertorelli yells )
( gibbering )
I THINK HE IS
TRYING TO SPEAK.
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T YOU MAKE
A PASS AT THE GIRLS.
DON'T WORRY, HE WON'T.
( theme music playing )
AH!
THE MORE OBSERVANT AMONG YOU
MAY NOTE THAT
I AM WEARING A CLEAN,
NEW APRON.
I HAVE TRIMMED MY MOUSTACHE
AND MANICURED MY NAILS.
IF YOU WERE STANDING
NEXT TO ME
YOU WOULD KNOW ALSO
THAT I AM WEARING
A VERY POWERFUL
AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
MY WIFE FINDS IT
IRRESISTIBLE--
SO I SELDOM WEAR IT.
BUT THIS IS
A SPECIAL OCCASION.
SINCE MY WAITRESS
HAS BEEN LOST IN THE POST,
I NOW HAVE TO FIND A NEW GIRL
TO WORK UNDER ME IN THE BAR
AND THERE HAVE BEEN
MANY APPLICATIONS.
RENE,
THIS NEW GIRL THAT
YOU WILL BE TAKING ON--
PROMISE ME YOU WILL NOT
FALL IN LOVE WITH HER.
OH, YVETTE,
WHAT A SUGGESTION.
HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ME
TO DECEIVE ANYONE?
LOOK OUT,
MY WIFE IS COMING.
RENE, ARE THE GIRLS
HERE YET?
MONSIEUR LECLERC
HAS ASSEMBLED THEM OUTSIDE.
AH, GOOD.
SHOW THEM IN.
I WILL INTERVIEW THEM.
EDITH, THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU
TO BOTHER YOURSELF WITH THIS.
I KNOW THE TYPE OF GIRL
I WANT TO WORK IN OUR CAFE.
SO DO I,
AND IT IS NOT
"OUR" CAFE,
IT IS MY CAFE.
IT WILL ONLY BE "OUR" CAFE
WHEN YOU MARRY ME AGAIN.
YES, EDITH.
PSST!
THE GIRLS, THEY ARE
GETTING RESTLESS.
SHOW IN
THE FIRST APPLICANT.
MADAME SABLON.
VERY SUITABLE.
I AGREE.
WHEN CAN SHE START?
BUT-- BUT, EDITH,
SHE HAS TO GET
DOWN ON HER KNEES TO CLEAN THE FLOORS
AND CLIMB THE STAIRS
TO ENTERTAIN THE GERMANS.
BUT I CAN GET ON MY KNEES
AND I AM ABLE
TO ENTERTAIN THE GERMANS.
SHE IS PERFECT!
YES, BUT WE MUST
SEE THE OTHERS.
WE WILL LET YOU KNOW,
MADAME SABLON.
MADEMOISELLE
ANGELIQUE VITESSE,
38-28-38.
NEXT, PLEASE.
COLONEL, GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS HERE.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN?
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
( shouting )
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER!
SIT!
GO AWAY.
YES, GENERAL.
THE INVASION OF ENGLAND
IS IN PREPARATION
AND WILL TAKE PLACE
BEFORE THE WINTER.
MY CHATEAU IS TO BE
THE OPERATIONAL CENTER--
ALL PLANNING
WILL BE CARRIED OUT THERE.
YOUR AREA, COLONEL,
IS CONSEQUENTLY
OF VITAL IMPORTANCE.
SECURITY MUST BE WATERTIGHT.
I UNDERSTAND,
HERR GENERAL.
WHERE'S YOUR ASSISTANT?
HE VOLUNTEERED
FOR THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
GOOD.
I INTENDED TO SEND
HIM THERE ANYWAY.
YOU ARE TO HAVE
A NEW ASSISTANT.
I AM DELIGHTED
TO HEAR IT, GENERAL.
MUSSOLINI HAS PERSUADED
HERR HITLER
THAT A SMALL TOKEN FORCE
SHOULD JOIN US IN THE INVASION.
WE ARE THEREFORE TO HAVE
A LIAISON OFFICER.
IT'S NOT AGREEABLE TO ME,
BUT WE MUST OBEY ORDERS.
IN ORDER TO KEEP HIM
OUT OF MY HAIR,
I HAVE PLACED HIM
UNDER YOUR COMMAND.
BRING IN
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
BRING IN
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI!
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
( Italian accent )
MAMA MIA,
THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.
I KISS-A YOUR HAND.
CAPTAIN!
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
OFFICERS IN THE GERMAN ARMY
DO NOT KISS
THE LADY PRIVATES.
WHAT A MISTAKE-A
TO MAKE-A!
GENERAL, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
BUT I AM ITALIAN--
WHEN I SEE THE BEAUTIFUL LADY,
MY HEART GO,
"BOOM-DIDDY-BOOM...
DIDDY-BOOM."
THIS IS YOUR
COMMANDING OFFICER, COLONEL VON STROHM.
COLONEL,
YOU HAVE A KIND FACE.
TO YOU I GIVE
A SALUTE.
IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE
YOU HAVE HERE.
I THINK I BE
VERY HAPPY.
THIS-A MY DESK?
NO, THIS-A MY DESK.
I FORGET.
GENERAL,
I HAVE FOR YOU
THE SPECIAL GIFT
FROM MUSSOLINI.
IS THE ITALIAN
WAR HERO MEDAL.
OH, THE ITALIAN
WAR HERO MEDAL.
I DON'T THINK
I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
I THINK THEY'RE VERY RARE.
YOU, TOO,
HAVE MANY MEDALS.
ME, I AM HERO.
THESE HERE,
FOR SERVICE IN ABYSSINIA.
THESE, FOR SERVICE
IN NORTH AFRICA.
AND THE BOTTOM ROW?
THEY ARE FOR
SERVICING FIATS.
MADEMOISELLE
VALERIE VENDOME.
36-22-36.
MISS VENDOME, WHAT IS
YOUR EXPERIENCE?
UNTIL RECENTLY,
I WORKED IN A CIRCUS.
I CAN RIDE
A ONE WHEEL BICYCLE.
VERY HANDY
FOR ERRANDS.
I CAN DO ALSO
THE ACROBATICS.
IT WOULD BE--
IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR DUSTING UNDER THE BED.
OH, THE BEST YET.
I ALSO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
SINGING VOICE,
AND I DO CABARET.
SO DO I.
NEXT, PLEASE.
MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
YOU FOOL.
DO YOU WANT
THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW?
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I WILL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
A NEW RADIO
HAS ARRIVED FOR YOU.
BUT MICHELLE,
THE GERMANS KNOW OUR WAVELENGTH.
WE HAVE CHANGED
THE WAVELENGTH.
THE RADIO WILL BE DELIVERED
BY A MAN DISGUISED
AS A MOUNTAINEER.
BUT THE NEAREST MOUNTAIN
IS 100 MILES AWAY.
HE IS LOST.
NATURALLY,
HE WILL COME IN HERE ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS.
- NOW LOOK--
- NO MORE QUESTIONS.
YOUR NEW SERVING GIRL IS
TO BE FROM THE RESISTANCE.
I HAVE HER OUTSIDE.
SHE WAS A GANG LEADER
IN PARIS.
( blows whistle )
MIMI,
I WANT YOU TO MEET
THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE,
RENE ARTOIS.
MY NAME
IS MIMI LABONQ.
THIS IS MY WIFE, EDITH.
MADEMOISELLE LABONQ.
THIS IS YVETTE,
THE OTHER SERVANT.
RENE IS VERY IMPORTANT
TO THE RESISTANCE.
YOU MUST GUARD HIM
WITH YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS MY BODYGUARD?
I WILL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF THE WHOLE TOWN.
SHOW HIM.
AAH!
GOOD!
SHE IS HIRED!
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.
OH HECK, IT IS HERR FLICK
FROM THE GESTAPO.
OH GOD.
PUT THAT AWAY.
EDITH, HE WILL WANT
HIS TABLE IN THE BACK ROOM.
BUT THE AIRMEN
ARE IN THERE.
WELL, GET RID OF THEM!
AH, HERR FLICK.
WELCOME TO MY
HUMBLE CAFE.
LET ME TAKE FROM YOU
YOUR SINISTER LEATHER COAT.
- HELLO!
- HELLO!
WE NEED THIS ROOM.
YOU MUST NOT
BE DISCOVERED.
YOU MUST LEAVE.
GET OUT!
I WILL JUST MAKE SURE
THE ROOM IS EMPT--
PREPARED FOR YOU,
HERR FLICK.
ALL IS CLEAR.
COME IN, HERR FLICK.
PLEASE SIT DOWN,
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
MIMI, A MENU AND WINE
FOR HERR FLICK AND HIS BIT OF STU--
HIS LADY FRIEND.
I HAVE ALREADY PREPARED
A BOTTLE FOR THE GESTAPO.
IT IS VERY
STUFFY IN HERE.
LET ME OPEN
A WINDOW FOR YOU.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD EVENING,
OFFICER.
HOW COMFORTING TO KNOW
THAT YOU ARE DOING YOUR DUTY.
DO NOT WASTE
YOUR TORCH.
IT IS A DICK NIGHT.
VERY LIKELY, YES.
I THOUGHT I SAW TWO MEN
LEAKING BY YOUR DUSTBINS.
THAT IS FRANCE FOR YOU.
- HELLO!
- HELLO!
THE POLICE ARE PATROLLING
THE GROUNDS.
MIMI, WINE FOR
THE GESTAPO OFFICER.
HERE YOU ARE, SIR.
YOU WILL NEVER DRINK
A BETTER BOTTLE.
I WILL DO IT.
OF COURSE,
HERR FLICK.
WHEN YOU SPEAK IN SUCH
A DOMINATING FASHION
I GO WEAK AT THE KNEES.
THIS IS NORMAL.
HELGA, I WISH YOU TO KNOW
THAT THIS IS
A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION.
I HAVE DECIDED
TO MARRY YOU.
HERR FLICK,
I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING
TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE WAR?
THESE ARE
DANGEROUS TIMES, HELGA.
WE MUST GRAB EVERY MOMENT
OF HAPPINESS WHILE WE MAY.
BUT HERR FLICK,
YOU HAVE ALWAYS MANAGED
TO GRAB IT SO FAR WITHOUT
GETTING MARRIED.
MIMI, YOU MUST NOT
OVERSELL OUR WINE.
IT IS ONLY PLONK.
IT WAS QUITE RIDICULOUS
TO TELL HERR FLICK
HE WOULD NEVER OPEN
A BETTER BOTTLE.
IT WAS THE TRUTH.
I REMOVED THE CORK
FROM THE BOTTLE,
AND PUT IN
A DEADLY POISON.
IN FOUR MINUTES,
HE WILL BE NO MORE.
MIMI, NOT IN MY CAFE!
HELGA, MAY WE BE BLESSED
WITH MANY LITTLE MEMBERS
OF THE MASTER RACE.
( shatters )
IT WAS NOT A GOOD YEAR.
GOOD EVENING,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
A TABLE BY THE WINDOW?
I WOULD PREFER TO HAVE
A LITTLE SNIFTER BY THE BAR.
OF COURSE.
TAKE THIS INTO HIM,
AND REMEMBER THERE IS A HOUSE RULE--
YOU DO NOT KILL PEOPLE
ON THE PREMISES.
GOOD EVENING, RENE.
GOOD EVENING,
LIEUTENANT.
THAT IS THE ONE
THAT FANCIES ME.
WHO IS TO BLAME HIM?
YOU HAVE A QUALITY
THAT IS IRRESISTIBLE.
YOU, TOO?
FROM THE MOMENT
I SAW YOU,
MY LIPS HUNGERED
FOR YOUR LIPS.
PRACTICE ON THIS,
I AM RATHER BUSY.
THAT'S A VERY EXCITING
PERFUME YOU ARE WEARING.
YES YES.
IT IS MY AFTERSHAVE.
IT IS COLOGNE,
FOR MEN.
NO DOUBT THAT IS WHY
I AM ATTRACTED TO IT.
RENE,
I WISH TO SPEAK
TO YOU CONFIDENTIALLY.
CAN YOU BEND OVER
A LITTLE?
OH YES,
YES OF COURSE.
COULD YOU OBTAIN FOR ME,
PERHAPS FROM YOUR WIFE,
EDITH,
SOME DARK RED LIPSTICK?
ARE YOU GOING
SOMEWHERE SPECIAL?
RENE,
DO NOT GET
THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT ME.
I DO NOT WEAR LIPSTICK,
EVEN WHEN I'M GOING
SOMEWHERE SPECIAL.
I AM SORRY,
LIEUTENANT.
I NEED IT TO COMPLETE
THE FORGERY OF
THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG--
THE BIG--
EXACTLY.
HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON
WITH THE PAINTINGS?
I AM MAKING PROGRESS.
BUT IT IS
QUITE A TASK.
ONE FOR HITLER,
ONE FOR THE COLONEL,
ONE FOR THE GENERAL.
IT'S A LOT OF WORK.
AND A LOT OF--
EXACTLY.
YOU SHALL HAVE
THE LIPSTICK, LIEUTENANT.
GOOD EVENING,
COLONEL.
GOOD EVENING,
YVETTE.
RENE, I WANT
TO SPEAK TO YOU.
YES, COLONEL.
I HAVE ARRANGED TO MEET
MY NEW ASSISTANT HERE.
HE WILL BE
MOST WELCOME, COLONEL.
PSST!
HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN,
OR THE PAINTING,
OR THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT
THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
NOR DOES HE KNOW
ABOUT MY LITTLE VISIT UPSTAIRS WITH THE GIRLS.
WITH THE FLYING HELMET
AND THE WET CELERY.
NEVER MENTION
THE FLYING HELMET AND THE WET CELERY.
RELY ON US, COLONEL.
HIS NAME IS
BERTORELLI.
WHAT, VON BERTORELLI?
CAPTAIN ALBERTO BERTORELLI.
HE IS AN ITAI.
AN ITALIAN UNIT WILL BE
COMING WITH US
WHEN WE INVADE ENGLAND.
I SUPPOSE SOMEBODY
HAS TO TAKE OVER
THE ICE CREAM BUSINESS.
WHEN IS
THE INVASION?
I SHOULDN'T
HAVE TOLD YOU.
FORGET IT,
FORGET IT.
YES, FORGET IT,
YVETTE.
NEVER MENTION THE INVASION
OR THE FACT THE COLONEL
TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.
AND BY THE WAY, COLONEL,
WE ARE RUNNING RATHER SHORT
OF BUTTER AND SUGAR,
Both:
AND PARAFFIN, AND CIGARETTES.
NO PROBLEM.
COLONEL,
YOU MY FRIEND,
AND I KEEP YOU WAITING.
BUT YOU FORGIVE ME, NO?
THIS IS
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
YES, I GUESSED.
GOOD EVENING, CAPTAIN,
AND WELCOME.
PATRON!
I AM JUST A SIMPLE PEASANT,
YOU UNDERSTAND,
TRYING TO SCRATCH A LIVING
WITH MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AND MY WIFE.
I EMBRACE YOUR WIFE.
I EMBRACE YOUR
MOTHER-IN-LAW.
I AM HIS WIFE!
WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.
MAMA MIA, WHO IS THIS
HANDSOME OFFICER
WHO LOOK LIKE
THE FILM STAR?
THIS IS
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
I HEARD ABOUT YOU
FROM THE GENERAL.
THIS IS
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
I HEARD ABOUT YOU
FROM THE GENERAL.
HOW ARE YOU
GOING ON, EH?
YVETTE, EDITH.
( groans )
DOES NOBODY HEAR THE CRY
OF A BEDRIDDEN WOMAN?!
STOP SHOUTING, MAMA.
THE WHOLE CAFE
CAN HEAR YOU.
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
SINCE THERE IS
NO RADIO
UNDER THE BED,
NOBODY COMES UP
TO MY ROOM.
WHY DO YOU NOT
READ FROM YOUR BOOK?
MY HANDS,
THEY SHAKE TOO MUCH.
I AM NOT SURPRISED.
"LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER"?
YOU SHOULD NOT BE READING
SUCH A BOOK AT YOUR AGE.
AT MY AGE,
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
COLONEL,
IN MY ROOM
IS A PAINTING
ON WHICH I WOULD
LIKE YOUR ADVICE.
A PAINTING?
WHY WOULD I WANT
TO SEE A PAINTING?
IT IS OF A FLYING HELMET
AND SOME WET CELERY.
SHH!
I WILL COME AT ONCE.
DO YOU ALSO HAVE ONE
OF AN EGG WHISK?
I AM SURE
I CAN FIND ONE.
OH MY GOD.
GOOD EVENING.
CAN ANYBODY HELP
A POOR, WEARY OLD MOUNTAINEER
WHO HAS LOST HIS WAY?
COME OVER HERE,
OLD MOUNTAINEER,
AND TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM.
KIND, MOST KIND,
INNKEEPER.
I WAS LUCKY TO SEE
YOUR LIGHT.
YES, IT IS.
I HAVE TRAMPED FOR HOURS
AND HOURS AND TRAMPED--
SHUT UP.
WHAT IS IT?
IT IS I, LECLERC.
THAT IS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR
TO ALL BUT THE TOTALLY BLIND.
IN THE PACK ON MY BACK
IS YOUR NEW RADIO.
IT IS ALREADY CONNECTED
TO THE BATTERIES.
HERE IS THE AERIAL.
( radio music plays )
( music stops )
( flatulent sound )
EDITH, GET THIS IDIOT
UP TO YOUR MOTHER'S ROOM BEFORE HE GETS US SHOT.
HE CANNOT GO TO
THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER.
SHE IS DOING
PRIVATE THINGS.
YOU-- TAKE HIM
TO THE ROOM OF YVETTE.
SHE IS DOING
OFFICER THINGS.
OH HECK.
COME AND SIT DOWN,
WEARY OLD LOST MOUNTAINEER.
WE WILL BRING YOU
A BOWL OF SOUP
SO THAT YOU MAY
REFRESH YOURSELF
BEFORE YOU GO
TO YOUR ROOM. MIMI, SOUP.
GOOD EVENING.
AT WHAT THEATER
ARE YOU PERFORMING?
HAVE SOME WINE,
GARRULOUS OLD MOUNTAINEER
AND DO NOT TALK TO
THE CONQUERING HEROES.
REMEMBER, YOU ARE JUST
A SILLY OLD PEASANT.
( radio static )
( flatulent sound )
PARDON.
( static, flatulent sound )
TRY TO IGNORE HIM.
IS NOT EASY.
THAT COAT YOU WEAR,
IS... IS VERY FINE.
THIS IS WHAT
WE MOUNTAINEERS CALL--
IT IS A WIND CHEATER.
( static, flatulent sound )
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T TAKE IT OFF.
( radio music plays )
( mouthing music )
I HAVE BEEN GIVING
MUCH THOUGHT
TO THE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR OUR WEDDING.
HERR FLICK, ARE YOU QUITE SURE
THAT DEEP IN YOUR HEART,
WHEREVER IT IS,
YOU ARE READY FOR MARRIAGE?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
YOU ARE SO YOUNG,
SO ATTRACTIVE.
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS THROWING
THEMSELVES AT YOU.
THIS IS TRUE.
I WILL BE CONSUMED
WITH JEALOUSY.
I WILL BE BREAKING THE PLATES
WHEN I DO THE WASHING UP.
IF YOU DID,
YOU WOULD BE PUNISHED.
WE WILL BE MARRIED
IN A HIGH SECURITY GESTAPO CHAPEL.
AS WE LEAVE THE CEREMONY,
WE WILL WALK THROUGH
AN ARCH OF RUBBER TRUNCHEONS,
HELD BY MY GESTAPO COLLEAGUES
IN JACKBOOTS.
WE WILL LEAVE IN
A BLACK GESTAPO LIMOUSINE
SHOWERED WITH
PROPAGANDA PAMPHLETS.
WE WILL HONEYMOON
IN A BAVARIAN FOREST.
EVERY MORNING, WE WILL
LEAVE OUR CAMOUFLAGED TENT,
STRIP NAKED,
AND DIVE INTO THE ICY WATERS
OF A LIMPID DARK LAKE.
COULD I HAVE TIME
TO THINK ABOUT IT?
COLONEL, YOU LIKE
THE PAINTING, EH?
IT WAS
MOST ENJOYABLE.
YOU GOT THE LIPSTICK
ON YOUR FACE.
AND BEHIND YOUR EAR,
THERE IS A PIECE OF WET CELERY.
YOU NOT JUST LOOK
AT THE PAINTING, EH?
DO NOT POKE
YOUR WOP NOSE INTO MY BUSINESS.
COLONEL, MY FRIEND,
WE ARE BOTH MEN OF THE WORLD.
YOU FIX SO YVETTE
SHOW ME THE PAINTING, EH?
CERTAINLY NOT!
I WILL SHOW YOU
SOME PAINTINGS, CAPTAIN.
FOLLOW ME.
IS MY LUCKY NIGHT!
AND WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?
SHE SHOW ME
THE PAINTING.
YOU WILL NEVER SEE
BETTER PAINTINGS
AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.
GOOD EVENING.
HEIL HITLER.
MICHELLE, WHAT ARE
YOU PLAYING AT?
THE TOWN IS
FULL OF GERMANS.
LIKE THIS I CAN
MOVE AROUND FREELY.
LONDON WILL CONTACT YOU
IN 10 MINUTES
ON A NEW WAVELENGTH.
WITH A CAFE FULL
OF CUSTOMERS,
THAT IS ALL I NEED.
HOW IS THE NEW GIRL?
SHE IS A FANATIC.
SHE TRIED TO KILL HERR FLICK
IN THE BACK ROOM.
SHE HAS A RUTHLESS HATRED
OF THE ENEMY.
YVETTE, YVETTE.
TWO SOUPS
FOR TABLE THREE,
AND CHICKEN
FOR THE PARTY AT THE BACK--
I WOULD LIKE A SMALL PORT.
AND A PORT
FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
AND GET A MOVE ON.
I HAVE ONLY ONE
PAIR OF HANDS.
GET MIMI TO HELP YOU.
SHE IS UPSTAIRS
WITH CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.
SHE IS A FAST WORKER,
THAT ONE.
SHE IS A SHOW OFF.
SHE TOLD HIM,
HE WOULD NEVER SEE
BETTER PAINTINGS
AS LONG AS HE LIVED.
OH MY GOD!
( Bertorelli yells )
( gibbering )
I THINK HE IS
TRYING TO SPEAK.
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T YOU MAKE
A PASS AT THE GIRLS.
DON'T WORRY, HE WON'T.
( theme music playing )