'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Great Un-Escape - full transcript

( theme music playing )

♪ EVERY LITTLE BREEZE
SEEMS TO WHISPER LOUISE... ♪

( spits )

♪ BIRDS IN THE TREES
SEEM TO WHITTER LOUISE ♪

♪ EACH LITTLE-- ♪
AH!

I AM SINGING AN HAPPY SONG,

BECAUSE I AM AN HAPPY MAN.

THE TWO AIRMEN ARE NOW
IN THE MORTUARY,

THE MORTUARY OF MONSIEUR
ALPHONSE, THE UNDERTAKER.

THEY ARE NOT DEAD, NO,

THEY ARE WAITING
TO TUNNEL



INTO THE BRITISH PRISONER
OF WAR CAMP ACROSS THE ROAD.

SO, I HAVE SEEN
THE LAST OF THEM.

THE PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG YOU-KNOW-WHATS
IS IN THE OFFICE OF THE COLONEL,

AND GOOD RIDDANCE TO IT.

I CAN NOW DEAL WITH
THE NORMAL EVERYDAY PROBLEMS

OF RUNNING MY CAFE.

THESE PROBLEMS ARE:

ONE, TO PREVENT MARIA
FROM KNOWING

THAT I AM HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH YVETTE;

TWO, TO PREVENT YVETTE
FROM KNOWING

THAT I AM HAVING IT OFF
WITH MARIA;

AND THREE, TO PREVENT
MY WIFE KNOWING

THAT I AM HAVING A DING-DONG
WITH BOTH OF THEM.



THE REASON I AM
SITTING OUT HERE,

POLISHING THE CUTLERY,

IS SO THAT I CAN SEE
WHEN MY WIFE

GOES INTO THE SHOP
OF MONSIEUR CHEVAL, THE BUTCHER.

AH, YES, SHE IS ENTERING.

HE IS--
HE IS GREETING HER.

NOW HE IS POINTING AT A CHICKEN
WITH HIS CHOPPER.

THESE NEGOTIATIONS WILL TAKE
AT LEAST 10 MINUTES,

AND COULD INCLUDE A VISIT
TO THE COLD ROOM.

SO I HAVE A LITTLE TIME
TO SPARE.

YVETTE?!

( growling )
RRR-RENE!

OH, MY LITTLE WOOD PIGEON.

MY BIG GOOSE.

AHH-- OOF!

RENE, CAN YOU FEEL
THE WILD BEATING

OF MY HEART THROUGH
THIS THIN BLOUSE?

NO, PRESS HARDER.

OH, RENE, HOW MUCH LONGER
CAN WE GO ON LIKE THIS?

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE
TO PLUCK A CHICKEN?

- RENE.
- HUH?

I KNOW HOW YOU MUST FEEL
WHEN I AM WITH OTHER MEN,

BUT DO NOT WORRY--

ALL THE TIME I AM
THINKING OF YOU.

AHH, AND WHEN I AM
WITH MY WIFE,

ALL THE TIME I AM
THINKING OF YOU.

IT DOES NOT HELP.

I MUST GO.

- OH, NO.
- OH, YES.

HOLD ME FOR ONE LAST TIME.

( both gasp )

RENE, COME TO ME TONIGHT.

I WILL GIVE YOU A SIGNAL
WHEN ALL IS CLEAR.

WHAT WILL THE SIGNAL BE?

I WILL TAKE THE RED LIGHT
OUT OF MY WINDOW.

OH, YVETTE,
ALWAYS THE ROMANTIC.

GO NOW, MY CHILD.

RENE!

MARIA!

OH, RENE,
HOW MUCH LONGER

CAN WE GO ON
LIKE THIS?

AS LONG AS MY WIFE IS WELL
AND STRONG ENOUGH

TO GET TO THE BUTCHER'S.

COME TO MY ROOM
TONIGHT?

NO, MARIA,
IT IS TOO RISKY.

HOW ABOUT
THE AIRING CUPBOARD NEXT TO THE BATHROOM?

IT IS TOO HOT.

THIS TIME
I WILL STAND

WITH MY BACK
TO THE TANK.

OH, WELL... VERY WELL.

I WILL SEE THAT MY WIFE
HAS A GOOD BATH,

TO RUN OFF AS MUCH
HOT WATER AS POSSIBLE.

OH, RENE!

PUT THAT GIRL DOWN
AND LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

THE AIRMEN ARE
IN THE MORTUARY,

BUT THE DIGGING
OF THE TUNNEL IS TOO SLOW.

THEY HAVE COME
TO AN HARD BIT.

THEY NEED HELP.

WHY CANNOT THE UNDERTAKERS
GIVE THEM AN HAND?

THEY ARE
DIGGING GRAVES.

IN THE GRAVES,
THEY PUT THE EARTH

THAT IS DUG
FROM THE TUNNEL.

IF THEY ARE PUTTING
THE EARTH FROM THE TUNNELS

IN THE GRAVES,

WHERE ARE THEY PUTTING
THE EARTH FROM THE GRAVES?

THEY ARE DIGGING
OTHER GRAVES.

WILL NOT THE GERMANS
BECOME SUSPICIOUS

AT THE DIGGING
OF ALL THESE GRAVES?

NOT IF WE KEEP
SHOOTING GERMANS TO PUT IN THEM.

YOU ARE VERY DETERMINED,
ARE YOU NOT?

EDITH, EDITH!

HOW MUCH LONGER
HAVE I TO REMAIN LIKE THIS,

WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR?

OH, QUIET, MAMMA.

RENE IS JUST BRINGING
THE NEW BATTERIES FOR THE RADIO.

EDITH, THESE ARE
DAMNED HEAVY. OPEN IT UP.

EDITH...

EDITH! NOW!

I HAVE HEARD
THAT LAST NIGHT

THE GERMAN SWINE

TOOK AWAY MY PAINTING
OF THE FLOWERS.

BE THANKFUL THEY DID NOT
STEAL THE SILVER.

THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME

BY A PENNILESS ARTIST

WHO WENT ROUND THE TWIST.

IT LOOKED TO ME AS IF
HE WAS ROUND THE TWIST WHEN HE PAINTED IT.

AH--

BUT HE WAS SO
IN LOVE WITH ME.

HE SAID

IF I DID NOT MARRY HIM,

HE WOULD TAKE A KNIFE,

AND CUT OFF BITS
OF HIS PERSON

AND SEND THEM TO ME.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM,
MAMMA?

HE WENT AWAY.

BUT I REMEMBER,

I DID RECEIVE,

BY REGISTERED POST,

AN EAR.

AN EAR?!

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

I CALLED HIM BOBBY.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

WELL, I THOUGHT

VINCENT

SOUNDED TOO POOFY.

VINCENT?!

YOU SILLY OLD BAT!
THAT WAS A VAN GOGH!

ALL THIS TIME,
WE HAVE HAD ON OUR WALLS

A VAN GOGH
AND WE DID NOT KNOW!

YOU SAID IT WAS
A WORTHLESS DAUB.

- WELL, WHAT DO I KNOW?
- ( radio buzzing )

AARGHH! THE BEDKNOBS,
THE FLASHING BEDKNOBS.

'Allo, Nighthawk,
'allo, Nighthawk.

Are you receiving me?
Over.

'ALLO, 'ALLO,
NIGHTHAWK HERE.

GIVE THAT TO ME!

YOU ARE NOT NIGHTHAWK.

I AM NIGHTHAWK.

YOU ARE MRS. NIGHTHAWK.

'ALLO, 'ALLO,
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK SPEAKING.

PASS YOUR MESSAGE, PLEASE.
OVER.

Has Old Mother Hubbard

got together
with Miss Muffet

and Little Boy Blue?
Over.

LOOK IT UP, EDITH,
HAS OLD MOTHER HUBBARD

GOT TOGETHER WITH MISS MUFFET
AND LITTLE BOY BLUE?

THE WAY PEOPLE
CARRY ON THESE DAYS,

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

SHUT UP!

IT MEANS,
"ARE THE AIRMEN

INSIDE THE PRISONER
OF WAR CAMP?"

WE MUST TELL THEM NO.

LITTLE BOY BLUE
IS STILL HOLDING

MISS MUFFET'S
TUFFET.

BUT WE ARE HOPING
TO GET THEM

UP THE BEANSTALK
TONIGHT. OVER.

DID YOU WRITE DOWN
THE MESSAGE,

VON SMALLHAUSEN?

AS YOU ORDERED,
HERR FLICK.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

FORTUNATELY, I WAS
EDUCATED AT OXFORD.

THESE ARE NURSERY RHYMES.

THERE MUST BE
SOME CONNECTION.

AS I RECALL...

MOTHER HUBBARD WAS THE ONE
WHO HAD THE CUPBOARD.

AIRMEN CAN HIDE
IN A CUPBOARD.

EXCELLENT.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET,
SHE HAD THE TUFFET.

WHAT IS A TUFFET?

A TUFFET IS
A MOUND OF EARTH,

SIMILAR TO THAT
THROWN UP...

BY THE MOLE.

AND WHERE DO
MOLES LIVE?

UNDERGROUND!

THEY HAVE BEEN HIDDEN
IN THE CUPBOARD,

BY THE UNDERGROUND.

NOW--

WHAT DID
LITTLE BOY BLUE HAVE?

I CANNOT REMEMBER.

THINK, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

YOUR WHOLE CAREER
MAY DEPEND ON IT.

AHHH, IT ALL COMES BACK--

OXFORD, THE RIVER,

THE DREAMING SPIRE--

HE HAD THE HORN.

THE FRENCH HORN.

THEY HAVE BEEN HIDDEN
BY THE FRENCH UNDERGROUND

IN THIS CUPBOARD.

NOW, WHERE IS THE CUPBOARD?

IS THERE NO CLUE
WE HAVE MISSED?

WE HAVE THE TUFFET,
THE HORN, THE CUPBOARD.

MOTHER HUBBARD WAS LOOKING
IN THE CUPBOARD

TO FIND FOR
HER POOR DOGGY, A BONE.

A BONE,

AND WHERE DO YOU
FIND BONES?

AT THE BUTCHER'S?

WHERE ELSE, VON SMALLHAUSEN?
WHERE ELSE?

IN THE GRAVEYARD.

WHERE, LATELY,
THERE HAS BEEN MUCH DIGGING.

WE WILL INVESTIGATE.

YOU HAVE AN INCREDIBLE BRAIN,
HERR FLICK.

DO NOT BE A LITTLE CRAWLER.

- GOOD DAY TO YOU,
CAPTAIN. - HELLO.

I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
YOUR USUAL.

ONE DOES NOT
NORMALLY SEE YOU WITHOUT THE COLONEL.

HE IS CROSS WITH ME.
WE ARE HARDLY SPEAKING.

ALL HE SAID THIS MORNING
WAS, "HEIL HITLER."

NOT EXACTLY
THE START

OF A SPARKLING
CONVERSATION.

WHAT IS THE REASON
FOR THIS RUPTURE

IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

THE SHOOTING LAST NIGHT.

THAT WAS NOT
YOUR FAULT.

YOU DID NOT
SHOOT ANYBODY.

IT WAS MY JEALOUS,
IMPETUOUS WIFE.

SHE USED MY GUN.

HE'S LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?
THE COLONEL.

HE CONFISCATED
MY JACKBOOTS ONCE,

JUST BECAUSE I REFUSED
TO KICK A PEASANT.

I CAN TELL YOU, RENE,
I AM NOT ENJOYING THIS WAR.

YOU SURPRISE ME,
CAPTAIN.

YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO BE
HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME.

ONE HAS TO KEEP UP
APPEARANCES.

IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY,
YOU KNOW, GOOSESTEPPING ABOUT,

SHOUTING AND RANTING.

IT IS HARD TO BE
A CONQUERING HERO,

WHEN IT IS NOT
IN YOUR NATURE.

WHY DO YOU DO IT?

( groans )
IT IS HITLER.

HE'S A VERY DEMANDING CHAP.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN
A BAD-TEMPERED DECORATOR.

WE HAD ONE HERE ONCE,
YOU KNOW?

RENE,
THAT BRIBE YOU GAVE TO THE POLICEMAN,

WILL IT BE ENOUGH
TO KEEP HIM QUIET?

YOU CAN RELY ON IT.

RENE...

I CANNOT
THANK YOU ENOUGH.

I WILL DO ANYTHING
FOR YOU, RENE.

I WILL. PERFUME...

SILK STOCKINGS...

ANY LITTLE LUXURY
YOU CARE TO NAME...

THERMAL UNDERWEAR?

AM I INTERRUPTING ANYTHING?

NO, NO, NO.

WE'RE JUST DISCUSSING
A LITTLE PRIVATE MATTER BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.

I SEE.

I, UH...

I HOPE THERE WERE
NO REPERCUSSIONS

OVER THE SHOOTING
HERE LAST NIGHT?

SHOOTING? NO, NO.
DID YOU SEE A SHOOTING, RENE?

NOT THAT I CAN RECALL, NO.

MIND YOU, IT WAS
A VERY LIVELY EVENING.

I UNDERSTAND.

AH, COLONEL,
GOOD DAY TO YOU.

GOOD DAY, RENE.

GOOD DAY, HUBERT.

HELLO.

HEIL HITLER!

SAY "HEIL HITLER"
FOR ME.

HAVE YOU TWO
FALLEN OUT?

WE HAVE.

OVER A GIRL?

NO, NOT OVER A GIRL.

I SEE.

NOW, HUBERT,
WHAT'S HAPPENING ABOUT THE PAINTINGS?

I HAVE TAKEN THEM
TO MY QUARTERS.

GOOD.

THERE, I CAN COPY
THE FALLEN MADONNA.

TWICE.

TWICE?

AH, I HAD BETTER
MAKE A NOTE OF THIS.

- MY PENCIL.
- THANK YOU.

MADONNA
WITH BIG BOOBIES.

TWO.

ONE FOR HITLER,
ONE FOR FLICK.

THE ORIGINAL CAN BE
RETURNED TO ME.

YOU MEAN,
RETURNED TO US, DON'T YOU?

HE'S STILL IGNORING ME,
YOU SEE?

THE GENERAL
HAS ALSO ASKED ME

TO MAKE A COPY
OF THE VAN GOGH.

IS HE SENDING
THE ORIGINAL TO HITLER?

NO, HE IS SENDING
THE COPY TO HITLER.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?!

YOU WOULD THINK A GENERAL
WOULD BE ABOVE THAT SORT OF THING, WOULDN'T YOU?

I KNOW A COLONEL
IS NOT, BUT YOU'D THINK A GENERAL WOULD--

LIEUTENANT,
DEAR LIEUTENANT,

WHILE YOU ARE AT IT,
COULD YOU MAKE

ANOTHER COPY
OF THE VAN GOGH?

TELL THE GENERAL
IT IS THE REAL ONE,

AND RETURN THE ORIGINAL
TO ME, THE RIGHTFUL OWNER.

THAT WOULD BE
DISHONEST, RENE.

NOT IF WE SPLIT
THE PROCEEDS AFTER THE WAR.

ANOTHER COPY,
GRUBER.

THAT IS TWO
VAN GOGHS,

AND TWO
FALLEN MADONNAS.

FOUR BOOBIES.

SISTER, YOU WILL
COME HERE.

I AM HERE,
HERR FATHER.

GIVE TO ME
MY POWERFUL BINOCULARS.

AT ONCE, HERR FATHER.

WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE
HOPING TO SEE, HERR FATHER?

I HAVE ALREADY SEEN

WHAT I WAS
HOPING TO SEE.

THERE IS
MUCH DIGGING

AND VERY LITTLE
BURYING.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WE WAIT.

DO YOU WISH ME
TO KISS YOU?

NOT WHILE YOU ARE
DRESSED AS A NUN!

IT WOULD
GIVE OFFENSE.

WHO WOULD IT UPSET?

IT WOULD UPSET ME.

VON SMALLHAUSEN,
STOP SNOOPING

AND TAKE YOUR SMOKE BOMB
ELSEWHERE.

HOLY FATHER,
I HAVE SINNED.

I HAVE JOINED A HOUSE
OF ILL REPUTE,

WHERE MANY WICKED GIRLS
CAVORT IN SCANTY CLOTHES,

AND ARE NAUGHTY
WITH MEN.

WELL...
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT?

HERR FATHER,
YOU MUST GIVE TO THIS WICKED GIRL,

A PENANCE.

I SEE.

GO HOME AND SAY
100 HEIL HITLERS.

YOU LET HER OFF
VERY LIGHTLY, HERR FATHER.

USUALLY YOU'RE
MUCH MORE SEVERE.

( "Hallelujah Chorus" plays )

OVERTURE AND BEGINNERS,
PLEASE.

COME, SISTER.

WE ARE ON.

DAMNED HARD WORK,
FAIRFAX.

YES, I KNOW, AND YOU'VE
LADDERED YOUR STOCKING.

HOW'S IT GOING,
CHAPS?

WE'VE HIT ROCK
OR SOMETHING.

WE REALLY NEED
A DRILL.

WE CAN'T DO THAT,

IT WOULD MAKE
TOO MUCH NOISE.

COULDN'T YOU DRUM UP
SOME EXTRA BODS?

WE'RE GETTING SOME HELP
FROM THE CAFE.

HOW'S IT GOING,
SIMPSON?

IT'S A BIT STICKY, SIR.

IT'S NOT EASY
WITH TEASPOONS.

KEEP BASHING ON.
WE'VE GOT A COUPLE

OF HOURS BEFORE
THE INSPECTION.

GOOD EVENING, ALL.

OH MY GOD.

OFFICER, WELCOME
TO MY HUMBLE CAFE.

PSST!

IT IS I, LECLERC.

NO!

I HAVE A MESSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WE HAVE BEEN WAITING
FOR INSTRUCTIONS.

MADAME, A LADY REPORTED
SEEING A FLASHER.

AND YOU HAD
TO ARREST HIM.

ER, UH... NO.

I HAD TO DISGUISE MYSELF
AS A POLICEMAN,

SO THAT SHE WOULD NOT
RECOGNIZE HIM.

WHAT IS YOUR MESSAGE?

YOU ARE TO GO AT ONCE
TO THE MORTUARY

AND HELP
WITH THE DIGGING.

GO AT ONCE?
AND HOW ARE WE TO GET THERE?

THE PLACE IS STIFF
WITH GERMANS.

HERE, TAKE THIS
UPSTAIRS TO MY MOTHER.

TELL HER SHE MUST
GET DOWN HERE,

AND TAKE OVER THE BAR
WHILE WE ARE GONE.

VERY GOOD, MADAME.

HOW LONG WILL YOU GO ON
NOT SPEAKING TO ME?

THIS HAS NOT HAPPENED TO ME
SINCE I WAS A SMALL BOY

AT SCHOOL AND THEY
SENT ME TO COVENTRY.

THIS IS A TERRIBLE THING
TO HAPPEN TO A SMALL BOY

WHEN YOU ARE AT SCHOOL
IN DUSSELDORF.

OH, LOOK! WHY IS
THAT WAITRESS LEANING OVER

AND SHOWING HER SUSPENDERS?

AHHH! YOU SEE!

SO YOU CAN HEAR.

( laughing )

OH, HECK. HERE COMES
THAT ENGLISH IDIOT

WHO THINKS HE CAN
SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE.

GOOD MOANING.

GOOD MOANING.

DO YOU WANT
THE GOOD NOSE OR THE BAD NOSE?

OH, DO LET US HAVE
THE GOOD NOSE.

I HAVE HASHED UP

THE SHATTING
OF THE TWO TITS.

WHAT DOES CRABTREE SAY,
YVETTE?

HE HAS HUSHED UP

THE SHOOTING
OF THE TWO TARTS.

GOOD. AND WHAT
IS THE BAD NOSE?

THE GESTAPO
ARE HOOVERING

ROUND THE GRAVEYARD,

DISGEESED AS A NAN,

A BOSHOP,

AND A ROMAN
CATHOLIC FARTER.

I KNEW I SHOULD
NOT HAVE ASKED.

WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?

THEY HAVE TAKEN SPADES.

THEY HAVE CRAPPED
ALONG THE TUNNEL,

AND ARE DOGGING.

THAT DOES NOT SOUND
LIKE A LOT OF FUN.

WE ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE HELPING THEM.

WHAT ARE WE TO DO?

WITH MY DISGEESE
AS A POLOCEMAN,

I AM OBLE
TO ESCOOT YOU THERE.

LOOK, CAN YOU NOT
FIND A PHRASE BOOK

AND IMPROVE YOUR FRENCH?

IT IS TERRIBLE!

NOBODY HAS
COMPLONED SO FUR.

IF THEY DO,
I WILL TOLL THEM

THAT I AM
FROM THE LEFT BONK.

YVETTE, MARIA--

GO ROUND THE TABLES
AND COLLECT ALL THE FLOWERS

SO WE CAN
TAKE THEM WITH US.

WHAT EXCUSE DO WE
GIVE TO THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN?

YOU LEAVE THIS TO ME.

DEAR COLONEL,
DEAR CAPTAIN,

FORGIVE US,

BUT WE ARE DEPARTING
TO PAY OUR RESPECTS

TO THE TWO WOMEN
OF THE STREET,

WHO I UNFORTUNATELY
SHOT WITH YOUR GUN.

COME, LADIES.

HANS,
I THINK THEY'RE UP TO SOMETHING.

OH, UNCLE KURT,
YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME.

OHHH, WHAT A RELIEF!

LET THAT BE
A LESSON TO YOU.

YES.

I THINK WE SHOULD
FOLLOW RENE.

BUT GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
TOLD US TO WATCH THE CAFE.

YOU ARE RIGHT.
WE SHOULD OBEY ORDERS.

WE WILL WATCH
THE CAFE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TONIGHT,
IT IS CABARET TIME,

AT THE CAFE RENE.

AND IN THE ABSENCE
OF MADAME EDITH,

PLEASE TO WELCOME,

FROM THE FOLIES BERGERES,

MADAME FANNY LA FAN.

( piano music playing )

♪ TAKE ME ♪

♪ TO YOUR HEART AGAIN ♪

♪ LET'S MAKE ♪

♪ A START AGAIN ♪

♪ FORGIVING ♪

♪ AND FORGETTING... ♪

I WAS RIGHT
IN THE FIRST PLACE,

WE WILL FOLLOW RENE.

WHAT ABOUT THE ORDERS?!

OFFICERS MUST USE
THEIR INITIATIVE.

BESIDES, THERE IS
NO CHEESE FOR OUR EARS.

♪ DEAREST ♪

♪ LET'S TURN BACK
THE YEARS ♪

♪ LET SMILES
COME AFTER TEARS ♪

♪ LIKE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ AFTER RAIN ♪

♪ I'M YEARNING ♪

♪ FOR YOU ♪

♪ BY NIGHT AND BY DAY ♪

♪ PRAYING THAT SOON ♪

♪ I'D HEAR YOU SAYING ♪

♪ I LOVE ♪

♪ YOU. ♪

( rhythm accelerates )

♪ WE WILL NEVER PART AGAIN ♪

♪ IF YOU WOULD
HOLD ME BY-- ♪

( organ music playing )

THAT SERMON YOU GAVE
WAS MOST MOVING, HERR FATHER.

BISHOP VON SMALLHAUSEN
HAD TEARS RUNNING DOWN HIS CHEEKS.

THAT WAS
BECAUSE THIS THING WOULD NOT GO OUT.

STILL, THERE IS
MUCH DIGGING.

THERE IS SOMETHING
BEHIND THIS.

LET US GO
TO THE MORTUARY

TO INTERROGATE
THE UNDERTAKER.

WITH HERR FLICK,
LIFE IS NEVER DULL.

I SHAN'T GO OUT WITH GIRLS
ANYMORE AFTER THIS.

YOU'VE PUT ME OFF.

I'VE BEEN DIGGING
JUST AS HARD AS YOU HAVE.

( footsteps approach )

CAVEE,
SOMEONE'S COMING.

PULL YOUR SKIRT DOWN.

OKAY, CHAPS,
IT'S ONLY ME.

I MUST LOVE YOU NOW,
SO GOOD LICK.

WHERE IS
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

HE'S IN THE TUNNEL,
HAVING A DIG.

I THINK WE'VE GOT
RATS DOWN THERE.

WE CAN HEAR A LOT
OF SCRATCHING.

THAT WILL BE THE CHAPS
IN THE P.O.W. CAMP TUNNELING OUT.

IN THAT CASE,
WE MAY NOT HAVE FAR TO GO.

AND WE'VE NO TIME TO LOSE.
WE MUST DIG LIKE FURY.

IT'S JOLLY TIRING.

- MURDER ON THE OLD
HANDS AND KNEES. - ( rumbling )

WHAT WAS THAT?

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
AT YOUR SERVICE.

( coughs )

"SWIFTLY,
AND WITH STYLE"...

AND TEMPORARILY KNACKERED.

WHAT IS YOUR
PROGRESS REPORT?

THE TUNNEL--

IS WHAT IS KNOWN
AS BUNGED UP WITH LOOSE EARTH.

IT IS THE DISPOSAL
OF WHAT WE CALL IN MY TRADE--

OF THE MUCK--

THAT CONSUMES
ALL THE TIME.

VERY WELL.

RIGHT, CHAPS,
IN YOU GO.

DIG FOR YOUR LIFE.

WE'LL ARRANGE A CHAIN
TO GET RID OF THE EARTH.

GET IN THERE.

WHEN YOUR POTS ARE FULL,
PASS THEM BACK.

HOW LONG ARE WE
GOING TO BE DOWN THERE?

FILL THEM
WITH EARTH, DUMMY.

GET A MOVE ON,
SIMPSON.

THE WHOLE OPERATION'S
SLOWING UP.

I'M DOING MY BEST, SIR.

- SHH, SHH!
- ( scratching; thumping )

THAT SCRATCHING'S
GETTING QUITE LOUD.

WELL, BASH ON,
WE'RE NEARLY THERE.

Edith:
HERE,

RENE,
TAKE THIS.

EDITH, STOP POKING ME
WITH YOUR POT.

FILL IT UP
AND GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.

I AM A POT PASSER
NOT A POT FILLER.

NOW, HERE YOU ARE.

THERE, ARE YOU SATISFIED?

OW!

( breathing heavily )
THANK YOU.

OH, THIS IS
VERY GOOD QUALITY.

WHEN WE HAVE FINISHED I WOULD
LIKE SOME OF THESE FOR THE CAFE.

ALWAYS THE ENTREPRENEUR.

WHERE SHALL I
PUT THE REFUSE?

- I WILL TAKE IT.
- IT IS BRIMMING OVER.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN ARE APPROACHING.

OH MY GOD.

WE MUST WARN THEM
IN THE TUNNEL, TWO JERRIES ARE COMING.

- WHAT?
- WARN THEM IN THE TUNNEL TWO JERRIES ARE COMING!

TWO JERRIES ARE COMING.

TWO JERRIES ARE COMING.

TWO JERRIES ARE COMING.

I CAN ONLY DEAL
WITH ONE AT A TIME.

I THINK I'M THROUGH.

JOLLY GOOD SHOW.

MY GOD, FRENCH CRUMPET!

THEY MUST BE
PRETTY DESPERATE IF THEY'RE TUNNELING IN.

- HELLO!
- HELLO!

GOOD GOD, IT'S
FAIRFAX AND CARSTAIRS FROM 402 SQUADRON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE TRYING TO GET IN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE TRYING TO GET OUT.

Michelle:
LOOK OUT, CHAPS. JERRIES ARE COMING.

QUICK, BACK UP.

RIGHT.

I AM SORRY IF
I HAVE CAUGHT YOU AT AN INCONVENIENT MOMENT.

CAN I HELP YOU,
MONSIEUR?

I AM LOOKING
FOR MONSIEUR RENE

WHOM I OBSERVED
ENTERING THESE PREMISES.

HE'S NOT HERE.

WE WILL SEARCH.
HANS, SEARCH.

SEARCH, SEARCH.

IS THERE A DEAD BODY
IN HERE?

HOPEFULLY.

WE PUT A SCREWDRIVER
IN WITH THEM,

IN CASE WE MAKE
A MISTAKE.

HOW FAR DO YOU
WANT ME TO GO?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT IS SPOOKY.

OPEN THE COFFIN.

IT IS FULL OF EARTH.

WHY IS THIS COFFIN
FULL OF EARTH?

I AM GROWING MUSHROOMS.

I DO NOT SEE
ANY MUSHROOMS.

THAT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE
THEY HAVE NOT YET COME UP.

THERE'S EARTH
ON THE FLOOR.

HANS, HELP ME.

NO, MONSIEUR,
YOU CANNOT.

YOU CANNOT
DEFILE THE TOMB OF THE DEPARTED.

WHY IS THERE EARTH
IN YOUR POT?

I AM TRYING TO CULTIVATE
THE STONE OF THE AVOCADO PEAR.

DO YOU HAVE TO SIT ON IT
TO CULTIVATE IT?

MONSIEUR, IT REQUIRES
A WARM TEMPERATURE.

I GREW ONE
ON A DAMP FLANNEL.

HANS, HELP ME.

IT IS A TUNNEL.

A TUNNEL?

HOW DID THAT
GET IN THERE?

WE MUST FIND OUT
WHERE IT LEADS.

HANS, YOU GO FIRST.

( knocking on door )

NOW, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE ARE BEING HUNTED
BY THE GESTAPO

AND THE JERRY TROOPS,

IN FACT, THE WHOLE DAMNED
LOT OF THEM.

IF THEY FIND US
WITHOUT UNIFORMS WE'LL BE SHOT.

WHAT ABOUT THIS LOT?

WE'RE THE FRENCH
RESISTANCE. THEY'LL SHOOT US TOO.

MY GOD, SIMPSON,
THIS IS A BIT OF A FACER.

THERE'S AN INSPECTION
IN FIVE MINUTES.

OF COURSE,
WITH THE KRAUT GENERAL.

WE'D BETTER SET
ABOUT HIDING THEM.

WILL SOMEONE TELL ME
WHAT IS GOING ON?

THEY ARE GOING
TO HIDE US.

WHY DO WE NOT GO
BACK DOWN THE TUNNEL?

THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN ARE COMING DOWN IT.

WHAT?

MY GOD, WHAT AM I
GOING TO DO?

HOW ABOUT TRYING TO BEHAVE
LIKE THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE?

HANS, I'M STUCK.

GIVE ME A PULL.

YES.

ONE, TWO, THREE,

PULL!

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU
HAVE DONE.

WE ARE TRAPPED,

AND I SUFFER FROM
CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

I HAVE HAD IT
EVER SINCE

MY MOTHER TRIED
TO SMUGGLE ME OUT OF BERLIN

IN A SUITCASE.

WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

SO MY FATHER WOULDN'T
FIND OUT ABOUT ME.

GO FORWARD.

I SAY,
THERE ARE SOME MORE COMING.

THEY'RE DRESSED
AS KRAUTS.

THAT'S BECAUSE
THEY ARE KRAUTS.

HOLD MY GUN
WHILE I GET OUT.

COLONEL.

THE TUNNEL HAS
COME OUT IN ENGLAND.

EVERYONE HERE
IS UNDER ARREST.

Voice over P.A.:
Attention, attention.

Stand by for inspection

by General
Von Klinkerhoffen.

Both:
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

THERE IS A GUN
IN YOUR BACK.

IF YOU GIVE US AWAY,

YOU WILL BE
THE FIRST TO DIE.

DO EXACTLY AS I SAY.

AND LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY.

SHE WILL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

Voice over P.A.:
Everybody out, everybody out.

RAUS, RAUS.

RAUS, RAUS.

RAUS!

MARCH!

Voice over P.A.:
Stand by for inspection

by General
Von Klinkerhoffen.

COMPANY, HUT!

THE BRITISH PRISONERS
OF WAR ARE READY FOR INSPECTION.

THEY DO NOT LOOK
AS THOUGH THEY ARE READY.

THEY ARE A SURLY,
BAD DISCIPLINED RABBLE.

THEY ARE NOT
EASY TO CONTROL.

ALL BRITISH
PRISONERS OF WAR ARE THE SAME.

LEAD THE WAY.

IS EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL?

THEY'VE GOT
THE KRAUTS COVERED.

WHAT HAPPENS IF
THEY SPOT ANY OF THEM?

I'VE GIVEN THEM A COUPLE
OF ENGLISH PHRASES TO USE AS A LAST RESORT.

STOP TALKING
IN THE RANKS!

UP YOURS.

- SILENCE!
- SILENCE!

TEMPER, TEMPER.

Fairfax:
HELLO.

HELLO.

BANG ON.

WIZARD PRANG.

PIP, PIP.

TOODLE-OO.

CHOCKS AWAY.

HELLO, OLD FRUIT.

( "Colonel Bogey March" melody )
♪ HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE-- ♪

SILENCE!

SILENCE!

IF THIS IS THE STANDARD
OF BRITISH AIRMEN,

HOW COULD IT HAPPEN
THAT GOERING LOST

THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN?

THAT WAS
A NARROW ESCAPE.

NARROW ESCAPE?

WE ARE LOCKED UP
IN A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.

AND THE CAFE OPENS
FOR DINNER AT 7:00.

( car engine starts )

AND YOUR MOTHER HAS
THE KEYS TO MY TILL.

DRIVE ON!

ONE, TWO,
THREE, FOUR--

( all whistle
"Colonel Bogey March" )

( theme music playing )