'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 4, Episode 1 - Prisoners of War - full transcript

( theme music playing )

THERE CANNOT BE MANY
FRENCH CAFE OWNERS

LANGUISHING IN A
PRISONER OF WAR CAMP,

DRESSED AS A BRITISH
FLIGHT LIEUTENANT.

BUT THAT IS WHAT YOU GET
WHEN YOU TRY TO HELP PEOPLE TO ESCAPE FROM THE GERMANS.

HOW AM I GOING
TO GET OUT OF HERE?

YOUR GUESS IS
AS GOOD AS MINE.

BUT AT THE MOMENT,
IT SEEMS MY BEST CHANCE

IS TO WAIT FOR ENGLAND
TO CAPITULATE.

RENE.

OH NO, NOT ANOTHER
BUCKET OF EARTH.



YOU MUST DISPOSE OF IT.

BUT EDITH--

FOR THE MOMENT
IT IS THE LAST ONE.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

THERE WAS A LOT OF GRIT
IN THAT ONE.

AS SOON AS YOU HAVE
DISPOSED OF IT, RETURN.

THERE IS TO BE A MEETING
OF THE ESCAPE COMMITTEE IN FIVE MINUTES.

I HOPE THEY HAVE
A GOOD PLAN.

MY CAFE OPENS AT 6:00.
I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN, YOU KNOW.

WHEN I WAS DOWN
THE HOLE,

I HEARD THE SOUND
OF DIGGING.

SOMEONE IS TUNNELING IN
FROM THE OTHER END,

SO WE MAY NOT
LONG BE HERE.

NOW HURRY, AND TRY NOT
TO LOOK SUSPICIOUS.



YVETTE,

TELL THE COLONEL,

THERE IS A MEETING
OF THE ESCAPE COMMITTEE

IN FIVE MINUTES.

OH, RENE,
YOU ARE SO BRAVE.

JUST THE SIGHT OF YOU

IN THAT HELMET

AND THOSE GOGGLES

DRIVES ME FRANTIC
WITH UNCONTROLLABLE PASSION.

YVETTE,
THE BRITISH OFFICERS

DO NOT CUDDLE EACH OTHER,

NOT WHEN THERE ARE A LOT
OF PEOPLE WATCHING, ANYWAY.

HOW'S THAT!

YOU ARE OUT!

YOU ARE OUT!

I AM NOT OUT.

YES, YOU ARE.

YOUR LEG WAS IN FRONT
OF THE LITTLE WOODEN STICKS,

PREVENTING THE BALL
FROM HITTING THEM.

YOU ARE OUT--
IT IS THE RULE!

CRICKET IS
A ROTTEN GAME.

TEMPER, TEMPER.

I INSIST
ON ANOTHER GO,

OTHERWISE,
I WILL NOT PLAY.

VERY WELL.

( glass shatters )

OH MY GOD!

OH, YOU'VE
DONE IT NOW.

NOT A BAD SHOT
FOR A KRAUT!

YOU STUPID ENGLISH PIG!

YOU HAVE BROKEN MY WINDOW.

YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!

NO MORE THE CRICKET.

IT WAS MY TURN TO BAT,

GERMAN SWINE!

HERR FLICK, I THINK
WE ARE IN DANGER.

SOMEONE IS JUMPING
ON OUR TUNNEL.

DO NOT BE
A MUMMY'S BOY, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

CONTINUE
TO EXCAVATE.

I WILL GET
TO THE END OF THE TUNNEL

IF I HAVE TO DIG
ALL NIGHT.

BUT HERR FLICK,
YOU ARE NOT DIGGING, I AM.

DO NOT SPLIT HAIRS.

EXCUSE ME, WAITER.

SHH, SHH, SHH!

IT IS I, LECLERC.

WHERE IS MADAME FANNY?

SHE IS RUNNING
THE BAR.

MADAME,

I WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOU--

URGENTLY.

WAIT WHILE I FIND
MY EAR TRUMPET.

NO NO, THERE IS
NO TIME.

I WILL WRITE IT
DOWN FOR YOU.

NO NO NO.

WAIT, WHILE I
FIND MY SPECTACLES.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

THE GIN BOTTLE.

OH!

WITH THIS,

THE WORDS WILL
BECOME CLEAR TO YOU.

THIS IS NOT
MY EXPERIENCE.

NO, NO, MADAME.

EXCUSEZ-MOI.

OH YES.

RENE HAS BEEN CAPTURED--

SHH!

--HAS BEEN CAPTURED
AND IS IN A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.

MADAME FANNY,

WHAT ARE WE TO DO?

DRINK THE GIN.

EDITH,

WHAT IS GOING ON?

THEY ARE DISCUSSING
PLANS FOR ESCAPE.

THANK GOD
FOR THAT.

WE HAVE BEEN
HERE FOR HOURS.

WE MAY BE HERE
MUCH LONGER.

I HOPE THEY DO NOT
EXPECT ME TO SLEEP IN THIS HUT

WITH 40 DESPERATE MEN.

THEY ARE ONLY DESPERATE
TO GET OUT, EDITH.

THAT'S DECIDED THEN.

I'LL EXPLAIN IT ALL
TO THAT LOT OVER THERE.

ONE MORE THING, SIR.

WAGSTAFF HAS A PLAN
OF ESCAPE.

HE WANTS TO SUBMIT IT,
FOR YOU TO OKAY IT.

RIGHT, LET'S HAVE IT.

WAGSTAFF!

WOOF, WOOF!

NOT APPROVED.

THE CAFE
WILL BE OPEN.

WHAT TIME
DO WE GET OUT?

THIS IS NOT
A SIMPLE MATTER.

ONLY ONE OF US
WILL ESCAPE TONIGHT.

THEN IT WILL
HAVE TO BE ME.

I HAVE A BUSINESS
TO RUN, YOU KNOW.

I HAVE MY MOTHER
TO LOOK AFTER.

THE COMMITTEE HAS DECIDED
TO SEND ONE

OF THE GERMAN OFFICERS.

GOOD, IT WILL BE ME.

YOU GO ON CONDITION THAT
YOU ARRANGE FOR THE PRISONERS

EXTRA BLANKETS, BUTTER,
SUGAR, CHOCOLATE, AND CIGARETTES.

AGREED.
NO PROBLEM.

GOOD, HERE IS THE PLAN.

THIS IS A SMALL BARREL.

THIS IS A PLANK
ACROSS THE BARREL.

HERE IS THE WIRE.

HERE IS THE ROOF
OF THE NEAREST HUT.

THE ONE WHO IS TO ESCAPE

WILL STAND ON
THE END OF THE PLANK.

A VOLUNTEER WILL JUMP
FROM THE ROOF OF THE HUT

ONTO THE OTHER END
OF THE PLANK.

THE ESCAPER
WILL BE PROPELLED

THROUGH THE AIR,

AND LAND ON
THE OTHER SIDE.

IS THIS UNDERSTOOD?

YES,

HANS CAN GO.

BUT WHO IS GOING TO
CLIMB ON THE ROOF AND JUMP OFF?

ONLY ONE PERSON
IS YOUNG ENOUGH,

AND BRAVE ENOUGH,

AND HEAVY ENOUGH--

RENE.

WELL, I-- I--

I THINK I AM YOUNG ENOUGH,
AND BRAVE ENOUGH,

BUT I DO NOT THINK
I AM HEAVY ENOUGH.

WE WILL FILL
YOUR TROUSERS WITH EARTH.

THANK YOU, EDITH.

♪ IF YOU WERE THE ONLY ♪

♪ GIRL IN THE WORLD ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE ♪

♪ THE ONLY-Y-Y-Y ♪

♪ BOY. ♪

( one person claps )

LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

YES, SISTER?

IT IS I, HELGA.

HELGA?

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
IN THE FASHION OF A NUN?

HERR FLICK
MADE ME DO IT.

AH, THE DEVIOUS GESTAPO.

STILL, I SUPPOSE
YOU MUST ENJOY IT,

OTHERWISE YOU
WOULD NOT DO IT.

THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN
ARE BEING HELD PRISONER.

IN A NUNNERY?

NO.

IN A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.

THIS IS MOST UNUSUAL.

RENE IS WITH THEM.

- IN A PRISONER
OF WAR CAMP? - YES.

WITH ALL THOSE
ROUGH AIRMEN?

250 OF THEM.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

I HAVE A PLAN
TO RESCUE THEM,

BUT IT REQUIRES
YOUR COOPERATION.

I WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR RENE.

GOOD MOANING.

MY GOD, THE FUZZ.

AM I TICKING
TO MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

THE UNDERTOOKER?

PROBABLY.

I HAVE A PLON
FOR RENE'S ROSCUE.

HE MEANS
RONNIE'S RESCUE.

WHO IS RONNIE?

I AM TICKING ABOUT RENE,

WHO WICKS HERE
BEHIND THE BORE.

MONSIEUR,

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN MASQUERADING

AS A FRENCH POLICEMAN?

SIX WHACKS AND FIVE DOOS.

VIVE LA FRANCE.

HERE IS THE PLON.

NEXT TO THE BARBED WIER
ROUND THE PRISONER OF WAR CAMP,

WICKMEN ARE LAYING DROONS.

WHAT ARE DROONS?

WITER RUNS
DOWN DROONS.

AH, I SEE.

MONSIEUR,

ARE YOU
ON OUR SIDE?

OF CURSE.

THINGS ARE WORSE
THAN I THOUGHT.

( whispering )
ALL CLEAR.

WHERE DO YOU
WANT IT, SIR?

JUST THERE, OPPOSITE
THE RUBBISH HEAP.

RIGHT, TO YOU,
CARSTAIRS.

A BIT OF A LARK, EH?

NOW, WE WILL POUR IN
THE LAST BUCKET OF EARTH

TO WEIGHT HIS TROUSERS.

I AM GETTING VERTIGO.

I WILL HOLD
HIS TROUSERS OUT.

DO NOT LOOK DOWN.

I WAS NOT GOING TO.

I WAS TALKING
TO MY HUSBAND.

GOODBYE, HANS,

AND GOOD LUCK.

NOW, YOU KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

YES, I AM
TO COMMANDEER

LIEUTENANT GRUBER'S
LITTLE TANK.

SQUASH THE BARBED WIRE FENCE
AND GET YOU OUT.

GOOD.
GET ON THE PLANK.

YES.

ONE, TWO, THREE!

COLONEL--

WHERE DOES
LIEUTENANT GRUBER

KEEP THE KEYS
TO HIS LITTLE TANK?

WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT
DOWN THERE?

SORRY.

GET ON THE BOARD.

I AM READY.

ONE,

TWO,

THREE!

I THINK WE NEED
A STRONGER PLANK.

GOOD THINKING.

AND TWO PAIRS
OF BRACES.

CAN WE NOT GO, PERHAPS,
A LITTLE FASTER?

I WILL DINGLE A CIRRIT
IN FRONT OF THE DINKY.

THAT IS BUTTER.

WE SHALL BE THERE
VERY SHEETLY.

GOODBYE, HANS.

GOODBYE, COLONEL.

Edith:
EXCUSE ME,

WOULD YOU MIND
HURRYING UP?

HIS NERVE IS GOING.

IT WENT HALF AN HOUR AGO.

ONE,

TWO,

THREE!

WELL DONE.

THE RESISTANCE WILL
NOT FORGET

THE BRAVERY
OF RENE ARTOIS.

Hans:
UM--

EXCUSE ME,

HOW DO I GET OVER
THE WIRE FROM HERE?

THERE ARE THE GATES.

YOU, AS A SISTER OF MERCY,

WILL ENTER THE CAMP
TO DISTRIBUTE

RELIGIOUS PAMPHLETS.

BUT WHAT IF THE GUARD
SHOULD RECOGNIZE ME?

I KNOW QUITE
A FEW SOLDIERS.

I WILL DISTRACT HIM.

ONCE INSIDE THE CAMP,

YOU MUST FIND THE COLONEL
TO TELL HIM OUR PLAN.

WAIT HERE A MOMENT,
WHILE I COMMENCE THE DISTRACTION.

BLESS YOU MY CHILD.

I THINK WE'VE GOT
THE ANGLE RIGHT, THIS TIME.

HANS, WHEN YOU GO,

THROW YOURSELF BACK,
LIKE THIS.

YOU DO IT SO WELL,
COLONEL, YOU GO.

NO HANS.

YOU'RE GETTING
THE HANG OF IT VERY WELL.

ONE, TWO,

- THREE!
- NO, NO, I AM SORRY,

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
I AM NOT JUMPING.

AH!

WHOA!

JOLLY GOOD SHOW.

ONE DOWN,

249 TO GO.

( accordian music plays )

♪ UNDERNEATH THE LAMPPOST ♪

♪ BY THE BARRACK GATE ♪

♪ DARLING, I REMEMBER ♪

♪ THE WAY YOU USED TO WAIT ♪

♪ IT WAS THERE THAT
YOU WHISPERED TENDERLY ♪

♪ THAT YOU LOVED ME... ♪

MAY I ENTER YOUR CAMP

TO DISTRIBUTE
TO THE PRISONERS RELIGIOUS PAMPHLETS?

WHY, I SUPPOSE SO.

I AM INSTRUCTED
TO SEARCH YOU,

BUT SINCE
YOU ARE A NUN,

I DO NOT THINK
IT NECESSARY.

THIS IS A GREAT
RELIEF TO ME.

♪ ...I'D CARESS YOU
AND PRESS YOU TO MY HEART ♪

♪ THERE 'NEATH THE FAR OFF... ♪

AND ALSO I HAVE MORE
IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.

MADAME FANNY,

ARE YOU SURE

THAT YOU ARE ACQUAINTED
WITH THIS SOPHISTICATED MECHANISM?

WHEN I WAS A GIRL,

I WORKED IN A FAIRGROUND.

BUT FANNY, YOU WERE
THE BEARDED LADY.

YES, BUT--

THAT DID NOT WORRY
THE RANDY OPERATOR

OF THE GHOST TRAIN.

I WILL CLIMB INTO THE POOP,

YOU WILL THEN LOFT IT

OVER THE OTHER SOD
OF THE WIER.

I AM SURE WE HAVE
DUG FAR ENOUGH.

WE WILL SEE.

BUT, WHY ARE YOU
DIGGING UPWARDS?

I AM MAKING
A SMALL HOLE.

THROUGH THIS HOLE,
I WILL THRUST

MY POWERFUL
GESTAPO TELESCOPE.

WITH IT, WE MAY SEE
A FAMILIAR LANDMARK.

MADAME EDITH.

IT IS I,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HAVE A PLAN
TO GET YOU OUT OF THE CAMP.

WE CANNOT TALK HERE.

WE WILL MEET
INSIDE THE HUT.

WAIT HERE.

I WILL GIVE YOU
A SIGNAL.

WHAT CAN YOU SEE,
HERR FLICK?

IS THERE A CONVENT
IN THIS DISTRICT?

WHY DO YOU ASK?

I HAVE JUST SEEN
A PAIR OF NUN'S KNICKERS.

THE PLAN IS AS FOLLOWS--

I WILL COMMANDEER

THE FRENCH REFUSE
COLLECTING VEHICLE.

I WILL DRIVE
THE VEHICLE

INTO THE CAMP.

I WILL BE
IN DISGUISE.

THE SIDE OF THE VEHICLE
WILL OPEN

AND YOU WILL
ALL JUMP IN.

YOU WILL PARDON MY ASKING,
BUT WILL NOT YOUR GUARDS BE SUSPICIOUS

TO SEE A RUBBISH CART
DRIVEN BY A NUN?

I WILL BE DISGUISED AS

A ROUGH FRENCH RUBBISH
CART DRIVER.

THIS IS VERY GOOD
OF YOU, GRUBER.

WE BOTH HAVE AN INTEREST
IN CERTAIN PAINTINGS

WHICH WE WILL SELL
AFTER THE WAR.

AND BESIDES,

THE CAFE IS
NOT THE SAME

WITHOUT RENE
BEHIND THE BAR.

YOU'RE LOOKING
VERY PALE, RENE.

ARE YOU GETTING
ENOUGH TO EAT?

THE FOOD IS DISGUSTING!

THEY TREAT US LIKE PIGS.

COLONEL, WHAT IF HANS
CARRIES OUT YOUR ORDERS,

STEALS LIEUTENANT GRUBER'S
LITTLE TANK,

AND COMES CHARGING
INTO THE CAMP

AND WE ARE NOT HERE?

HE CAN CHARGE
OUT AGAIN.

TELL HIM TO CANCEL
HIS PLAN,

AND LISTEN TO ME
ALL OF YOU.

I WANT IT
CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD.

WHEN WE GET OUT OF HERE,

WE ARE THE CONQUERORS

AND YOU ARE THE ENEMY,

AND YOU MUST PROMISE TO STOP
HELPING BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.

YES, OF COURSE,
COLONEL.

AND IN THE MEANTIME,
COLONEL,

REMEMBER, I HAVE A GUN.

IF YOU GIVE US AWAY
YOU WILL BE SHOT.

I TAKE YOUR POINT.

I MUST GO.

VESPERS, YOU KNOW.

BE READY BY
THE RUBBISH BINS AT 8:00.

I WILL ARRANGE
WITH THE BRITISH COMMANDER

TO CREATE A DIVERSION.

HEIL HITLER.

HAIL MARY.

COME ON, OUT!
OUT!

YOU ARE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE
TAKING THE EXERCISE.

OUT, OUT!

ONE, TWO.
ONE, TWO.

ONE, TWO.
ONE, TWO.

EDITH?

EDITH, DO NOT LOOK NOW,

BUT DOES NOT THE DRIVER
OF THAT CRANE

LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU?

IT IS MY MOTHER!

WHY IS SHE DELIVERING
A DRAINPIPE?

BE PATIENT.

SOON SHE WILL
REVEAL ALL.

PERISH THE THOUGHT.

GOOD MOANING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
YOU ENGLISH IDIOT?

I HAVE COME
TO HELP YOU TO ESCOOP.

YOU ARE GOING TO
GET US ALL SHOT.

YOU CAN ESCOOP
BY CLIMBING INTO THE DROON POOP.

THE POOP WILL THEN
BE LOFTED IN THE AIR,

SWONG OVER THE WIER,

AND THEN BE DRIPPED
ON THE OTHER SOD.

POINT ONE: THERE IS
NO ROOM FOR THE TWO OF US

INSIDE THE "POOP."

POINT TWO:
WE ALREADY HAVE A PLAN TO ESCAPE.

YOU MEAN TO ESCOOP.

DO NOT TELL ME HOW
TO SPEAK MY OWN LANGUAGE.

STUFF YOURSELF INSIDE
THE DRAINPIPE AND GO.

YOU HAVE MADE YOUR BID,
NOW YOU CAN LOO IN IT.

I'M SORRY, MICHELLE,
THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY GO AT 8:00.

WE'RE DOING OUR CONCERT.
WE'VE BEEN REHEARSING FOR WEEKS.

BUT THE CONCERT WILL BE
THE PERFECT DIVERSION.

NO, IT WON'T.
YOU'LL BE IN THE AUDIENCE SURROUNDED BY THE GUARDS.

WHY CAN'T WE BE
IN THE CABARET?

WE COULD DO A DANCE,
OR ACT THE GOAT, OR SOMETHING.

YES, WE COULD ALL ACT
LIKE SILLY ASSES.

IT'S RATHER SHORT NOTICE.
WE'LL HAVE TO REHEARSE SOMETHING PROPERLY.

WE DON'T WANT TO LOOK
LIKE AMATEURS.

GENERAL VON
KLINKERHOFFEN'S COMING.

EXCUSE ME, SIR,
WAGSTAFF'S GOT ANOTHER WHEEZE.

- RIGHT, LET'S SEE IT.
- WAGSTAFF!

HEIL HITLER!

NOT APPROVED.

I HAVE COME TO COLLECT
THE REFUSE.

I AM THE RUBBISH MAN.

MY, MY,
WHAT FINE TATTOOS.

"DISHONOR BEFORE DEATH."

YOU MAY PASS.

( cabaret music playing )

♪ HEAVEN ♪

♪ I'M IN HEAVEN ♪

♪ AND MY HEART BEATS
SO THAT... ♪

THEY ARE QUITE
SOPHISTICATED.

DECADENT,
BUT AMUSING.

♪ ...BUT I SEEM TO FIND
THE HAPPINESS I SEEK ♪

♪ WHEN WE'RE OUT TOGETHER ♪

♪ DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK ♪

♪ WHEN WE'RE OUT TOGETHER ♪

♪ DANCING CHEEK ♪

♪ TO CHEEK. ♪

WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE HER A KISS?

I LEAVE THAT SORT OF THING
TO THE GERMANS.

SETTLE DOWN, MEN.

SETTLE DOWN, PLEASE.

AND NOW,
OUR LOVELY LADIES

FROM HUT FOUR--

LES GIRLS.

( cabaret music plays )

MY GOODNESS,

SOME OF THEM REALLY
DO LOOK LIKE GIRLS.

IT MUST BE ALL GO
IN HUT FOUR.

LOOK, GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO?

KEEP KICKING.

( theme music plays )