'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 3, Episode 5 - Pretty Maids All in a Row - full transcript

( theme music playing )

OH, DO YOU, BY ANY CHANCE,
WISH TO KNOW

HOW I,
RENE ARTOIS,

HERO OF THE RESISTANCE,

ESCAPED IN A GYPSY CARAVAN

PULLED BY A PIEBALD PONY,

FROM A GERMAN COLONEL
AND CAPTAIN DRIVING A STEAMROLLER

FUELED BY NUTTY SLACK?
HMM?

NOT AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE,
YOU WILL ADMIT.

WELL, I WILL TELL YOU.
I OUTPACED THEM.

BUT ONLY AFTER THE AIRMEN,
AND THE WAITRESSES,



MY WIFE,
MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

AND MONSIEUR LECLERC,
DISGUISED AS A DIDDICOY,

GOT OUT TO PUSH
WHEN WE BECAME STUCK IN A RUT.

I GALLOPED OFF,
APPARENTLY OUT OF CONTROL.

I AM NOW HIDING
THE PRICELESS PORTRAIT

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP,

IN THE BACK OF THIS
WORTHLESS PAINTING

OF SOME CHILDISH FLOWERS,

GIVEN TO MY WIFE'S MOTHER

BY A PENNILESS ARTIST
IN RETURN FOR HER FAVORS.

WHICH, EVIDENTLY,
WERE NOT ALL THAT VALUABLE EVEN ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

- RENE.
- HMM?

IT IS TIME
WE OPEN THE CAFE,

HAVE YOU FINISHED HIDING
THE PAINTING YET?



THERE IT IS.

IT IS BEHIND
YOUR MOTHER'S FLORAL TRIBUTE.

WHERE ARE WE GOING TO HANG
A GREAT BIG FRAME LIKE THAT?

IN THE MOST
OBVIOUS PLACE,

ON THE WALL
OF THE CAFE.

THANK YOU.

BUT, IF YOU HANG IT THERE,
WILL IT NOT BE HIDDEN BY THE CURTAIN?

WITH ANY LUCK, YES.

- RENE?
- WHAT IS IT?

I HAVE JUST COME
FROM THE TOWN SQUARE.

IT IS FULL OF TANKS
AND SOLDIERS.

THERE HAS BEEN
A PROCLAMATION.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
HAS FOUND THE ENGINE

TO HIS MOTOR MOWER
IN THE REMAINS OF THAT AIRPLANE.

THEY ARE GOING TO SEARCH
HOUSE-TO-HOUSE FOR BRITISH AIRMEN.

ANYONE FOUND HIDING THEM
WILL BE SHOT.

OH MY GOD!

WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY MUST GIVE THEMSELVES UP.

THEY CANNOT DO THAT.
THEY HAVE NO UNIFORMS.

WITHOUT UNIFORMS,
THEY WILL BE SHOT AS SPIES.

WELL, THEY HAVE HAD
A GOOD RUN FOR THEIR MONEY.

AND THEY HAVE STILL GOT
THEIR BRITISH UNDERWEAR.

WE WILL VOUCH
FOR THEM, EDITH.

- I WILL PHONE
THE COLONEL NOW. - COWARD!

OH, COLLABORATOR!

WOULD YOU BETRAY
THESE FEARLESS HEROES TO OUR SWORN ENEMIES?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"FEARLESS HEROES"?!

ALL THEY DO IS HIDE.

WE ARE THE FEARLESS
HEROES, EDITH.

AND I WILL TELL YOU
ANOTHER THING,

THE GERMANS
ARE OUR CUSTOMERS.

THEY SPEND VERY GOOD
MONEY IN HERE.

YOU GET YOUR
PRIORITIES RIGHT.

RENE, EDITH,

I HAVE SOLVED THE PROBLEM
OF THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN.

I USED THE RAZOR
FROM YOUR BATHROOM.

OH, MARIA.

HOW LITTLE
I KNOW YOU.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH THE BODIES?

ALL I DID WAS SHAVE OFF
THEIR MOUSTACHES.

OH, FANTASTIC.

THAT WILL
FOOL THE GERMANS COMPLETELY.

Fairfax:
CAN WE COME DOWN NOW?

COME.

OH MY GOD.

CARSTAIRS, YOU'RE STANDING
LIKE A TART AGAIN.

NOBODY WILL SUSPECT THEM.

THEY LOOK LIKE THE STAFF.

EDITH,

THE GERMANS
TAKE THE STAFF UPSTAIRS FROM TIME TO TIME.

NOW IF THEY TOOK
THESE TWO UPSTAIRS,

DO YOU NOT THINK
THEIR SUSPICIONS WOULD BECOME AROUSED?

WE ARE MUCH MORE
ATTRACTIVE,

THEY WILL TAKE US.

AND SUPPOSE
THERE IS A RUSH?

WHAT ARE THEY
SAYING, FAIRFAX?

HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST IDEA.
IT'S ALL IN FRENCH.

IF THE GERMANS WANT
TO TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS, THEY MUST NOT GO.

( kissing noise )

WHAT'S ALL THAT
ABOUT?

I THINK HE'S SAYING
THAT IF HITLER POPS IN,

AND ASKS US TO GO UPSTAIRS,
WE'RE NOT TO GO.

- IS HITLER LIKE THAT THEN?
- OH, YES.

AND DO NOT SPEAK.

- SHHH!
- All: SHHH!

- AH!
- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

I THINK HE MEANS THAT IF WE DO
GO UPSTAIRS WITH HITLER,

WE'RE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY.

IT'S NOT THE SORT
OF THING YOU BOAST ABOUT, IS IT?

WE-EEE
UNDERSTAND.

- ( knocking )
- WHO IS THAT?

IT IS THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN!

WE MUST OPEN THE CAFE,
IT IS TIME.

MARIA, GET THESE TWO
INTO THE KITCHEN. QUICKLY GO, GO.

WELCOME, COLONEL.

WELCOME,
OUR BEST CUSTOMERS. OVER HERE, PLEASE.

DRINKS FOR THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN.

SIT DOWN, RENE,

OH, YES,
OF COURSE, COLONEL.

NOW,
WHAT IS GOING ON?

THE MOTOR MOWER ENGINE
WAS FIXED TO AN ANTIQUE AIRPLANE.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?

OH, I-- I EXPECT
IT WAS AN HOAX, COLONEL.

A-- A-- A SORT
OF PRACTICAL JOKE.

WE FRENCH ARE LIKE THAT,
YOU KNOW?

ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH.

I HAVE PUT TWO
AND TWO TOGETHER.

THE COLONEL IS
VERY GOOD AT THAT.

AIRPLANES ARE
FLOWN BY AIRMEN.

YOU SEE?

DO YOU PROMISE ME,
RENE,

THAT YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO HELP
BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE?

COLONEL, WOULD I RISK
ALL THIS, FOR THAT?

WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE HAS
STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEST.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS DOING HIS PIECES.

AND WHILE HE'S SEARCHING
FOR THE AIRMEN,

HE MAY DISCOVER
THE PAINTING.

IS IT SAFE?

IT IS UNDER
YOUR VERY NOSE.

- IN HERE?
- BEHIND THE BAR?

- NO.
- UNDER THE TABLE?

YOU ARE
GETTING WARMER.

WHERE CAN IT BE?

I SPY
WITH MY LITTLE EYE

SOMETHING
BEGINNING WITH... "P."

PIANO!

NO.

THIS IS A SILLY GAME!
WHERE IS IT?

IT IS IN
THAT PICTURE.

THAT IS WHAT I SPIED
WITH MY LITTLE EYE.

I WON.

WHAT A GOOD PLACE.
I WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT OF LOOKING THERE.

I KNOW.

COLONEL,
THE NEWS IS SERIOUS.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS LOOKING FOR YOU.

HE STORMED INTO YOUR OFFICE
DEMANDING TO KNOW WHERE YOU WERE.

- WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
- I SAID THAT IT WAS 5:30,

YOU'D KNOCKED OFF
FOR AN HOUR OR TWO,

TO HAVE A QUICK ONE
AT THE BOOZER

BEFORE RESUMING
YOUR SEARCH.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM
I WAS SEARCHING SOMEWHERE?

HE IS SUCH
A DOMINATING MAN.

HIS POWERFUL STARE
MAKES ME WILT AND GO WEAK.

I CANNOT SAY NO
TO A MAN LIKE THAT.

OH, I WISH I HAD
THAT KIND OF STARE.

WE MUST DRINK UP
AND GET GOING, OTHERWISE, WE'RE FOR THE HIGH JUMP.

I'M WITH YOU, I'M ONLY
OBEYING YOUR ORDERS.

- Soldier:
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. - OH!

STAND UP,
YOU PEASANTS, STAND UP!

UP AGAINST
THE WALL.

HANDS ON HEADS.

STAND STILL.

HEIL HITLER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD?

I'M SORRY, GENERAL.

YOUR POWERFUL STARE
MAKES ME WILT AND GO WEAK.

I CANNOT SAY NO
TO A MAN LIKE YOU.

WHO IS THIS IDIOT?

HE'S MY
SECOND-IN-COMMAND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY DRINKING HERE,

WHEN YOU SHOULD BE
SEARCHING?

WE WERE LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS.

DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND
SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS

IN THE BOTTOM
OF A GLASS?

YOU ARE INCOMPETENT.

- YES, GENERAL.
- I AGREE!

- I SHALL PROBABLY HAVE
YOU COURT-MARTIALED. - YES, GENERAL.

I THINK AT THIS POINT,
I SHOULD SAY THAT I WAS ONLY ACTING

- UNDER THE COLONEL'S ORDERS,
STUPID THOUGH THEY WERE. - SILENCE!

GENERAL, I CAN VOUCH
FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE

JUST SEARCHED THIS PLACE
MOST THOROUGHLY,

AND WHILE DOING SO,
THEY BEAT SEVERAL PEASANTS

AND KICKED THE PROPRIETOR
IN A QUITE BRUTAL FASHION.

GOOD. THIS WILL GO
IN THEIR FAVOR.

NOW, LET US SEE
WHAT WE HAVE CAUGHT IN OUR LITTLE NET.

IT IS I,
LECLERC.

THE PIANIST,
GENERAL.

OH, THE PIANIST, AH.

- CAN YOU PLAY
"IN THE MOOD"? - ( hums )

Soldier:
OUT! OUT!

WE HAVE FOUND THESE TWO

LURKING IN THE KITCHEN.

- I SEE.
WHAT ARE THESE? - WELL, UH...

THEY ARE THE STAFF,
HERR GENERAL.

YES, THIS IS FIFI,

AND GIGI.

I HAVE NOT SEEN
THESE TWO BEFORE.

NO, AND IT IS NOT EASY
TO MISS THE ONE ON THE LEFT, WITH THE BIG CHARLIES.

THEY ARE NEW GIRLS
FROM OUT OF TOWN, HERR GENERAL.

WE ARE SO BUSY,
WE HAD TO TAKE ON EXTRA STAFF.

ARE THESE THE GIRLS
OF EASY VIRTUE I'VE HEARD ABOUT?

WELL, FAIRLY EASY.

THERE IS MUCH WORK TO DO
IN MY CHATEAU. THEY ARE REQUISITIONED.

THEY WILL START FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.

OH, BUT GENERAL,
I WILL BE SHORTHANDED.

THEY MAY RETURN HERE
EACH EVENING, TO ENTERTAIN MY TROOPS.

YOU ARE MOST KIND,
GENERAL.

THAT IS ALL,
COME GRUBER.

- THAT PAINTING...
- OH, A WORTHLESS PIECE

OF RUBBISH.
IS THAT NOT SO, COLONEL?

- QUITE WORTHLESS.
- TERRIBLE, ISN'T IT?

IS THAT SO?

ARE YOU THINKING
WHAT I AM THINKING, GRUBER?

- VAN GOGH?
- MMM.

MOST ASSUREDLY
IN HIS STYLE.

YOU HAVE SOME KNOWLEDGE
OF THESE MATTERS. HAVE IT AUTHENTICATED.

WE ARE TAKING
THE PICTURE.

BUT, GENERAL,
THAT IS STEALING.

YES, THAT IS STEALING.

OH, THAT STARE AGAIN.

ALL WORKS OF ART
ARE THE PROPERTY OF THE FURHER.

YOU MAY COME TO THE CHATEAU
AND WE WILL GIVE YOU A RECEIPT.

TAKE IT. WE WILL
CONTINUE OUR SEARCH.

COLONEL, CAPTAIN,
FOLLOW ME.

- HEIL HITLER.
- All: HEIL HITLER.

( Leclerc playing
"In the Mood" )

OH, SHUT UP!

MY GOD, EDITH,
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THESE TWO?

WE MUST TELL
MICHELLE AT ONCE.

MICHELLE KNOWS ALREADY.

HOW DID YOU GET THERE?

IN THE RESISTANCE,
WE ARE TRAINED

TO APPEAR AND DISAPPEAR
LIKE PHANTOMS.

I USED THE TRAP DOOR
TO THE CELLAR BEHIND THE BAR.

NOW LISTEN, CHAPS,
THERE'S A REAL FLAP ON.

CHANCES ARE YOU'RE
GOING TO GET SPOTTED IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS.

IF THEY FIND US
WITHOUT OUR UNIFORMS, WE'LL GET SHOT AS SPIES.

- WITHOUT UNIFORMS WE CAN'T
EVEN GIVE OURSELVES UP. - EXACTLY.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME
WHAT IS GOING ON?

WE MUST GET THEM INTO UNIFORM
OR THEY WILL BE SHOT.

BUT THEY HAVE NO UNIFORMS.

QUICK, WE MUST GET
ON THE WIRELESS TO LONDON.

- COME ALONG, CHAPS.
- RIGHT-O.

HANG ON WHILE
I LOCK THE TILL.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO
ABOUT THE FALLEN MADONNA?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

THE GENERAL HAS SOLVED
MY PROBLEM FOR ME.

IT IS NOW UP TO THE COLONEL
TO GET THE PAINTING BACK.

QUICK, WE ARE
WASTING TIME.

EDITH, EDITH!

COME QUICKLY
TO MY ASSISTANCE.

WHAT IS THE MATTER NOW,
MAMA?

WHY IS MY BED

FULL OF WHITE-HAIRED
OLD LADIES?

TAKE NO NOTICE,
SHE IS HALLUCINATING.

HALLUCINATING?

HOW MANY PAIRS OF FEET

DO YOU THINK YOUR POOR OLD
MOTHER-IN-LAW POSSESSES?

WE WERE HIDING
FROM THE GERMANS.

WE THOUGHT WE WOULD
NOT BE ARRESTED DRESSED AS OLD CRONES.

GIVE ME THE TOWEL,
PLEASE.

MY GOD, THEY ARE
CALLING US.

All:
AARGHH!

MY GOD, CARSTAIRS,

THE THINGS YOU SEE WHEN
YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR GUN.

Man:
'Allo, Nighthawk, 'allo Nighthawk.

The airmen
have not arrived.

We must assume they have
crashed in the channel.

There will now be
a two minute silence.

Over.

NO, NO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO?
NO, THEY ARE STILL HERE.

THEY ARE DISGUISED
AS FRENCH MAIDS,

BUT THEY COULD BE
PENETRATED AT ANY MOMENT.

OVER.

Obviously an emergency.
What can we do? Over.

SEND BRITISH
UNIFORMS TONIGHT.

WITHOUT THEM THEY
WILL BE SHOT. OVER.

Sorry, no planes available
for one week.

All being used to make film
called "'F' for Freddie."

Over and out.

NO, 'ALLO?!

- WAS THAT GOOD NEWS?
- I'M AFRAID NOT.

WE NEED A NEW PLAN.
WE'LL HAVE TO GET OUR THINKING CAPS ON.

IF WE DON'T GET YOU
INTO UNIFORM PRETTY DAMN QUICK,

I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD IT.

GIRLS, PLEASE TAKE OFF
THOSE RIDICULOUS WIGS.

VON SMALLHAUSEN,
CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING?

THEY HAVE CEASED
TRANSMITTING, HERR FLICK.

IT IS FORTUNATE
WE DISCOVERED

THE WAVELENGTHS
THEY WERE EMPLOYING.

WE HAVE ALSO DISCOVERED

THAT THERE ARE
TWO BRITISH AIRMEN,

DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS.

DO YOU WISH ME TO SEARCH

ALL THE FRENCH MAIDS
IN THE TOWN?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU WOULD GAIN ENTRY

INTO ANY HOUSE WITH YOUR HAT
COVERED IN BIRD DROPPINGS?

HERR FLICK, I HAVE
BROUGHT YOU YOUR CUP

OF GESTAPO
INSTANT BEEF TEA.

YOU ARE LATE,
AND WHERE ARE THE CROUTONS?

I AM SORRY,
HERR FLICK.

WAS THERE ANYTHING GOOD
ON THE WIRELESS?

WE HAVE EVIDENCE
THAT THERE ARE

TWO BRITISH AIRMEN
DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS.

THERE ARE TWO NEW MAIDS
AT THE CAFE RENE.

DID YOU NOTICE
ANYTHING...

STRANGE ABOUT THEM?

NOTHING I COULD PUT
MY FINGER ON, HERR FLICK.

- WE WILL INVESTIGATE.
- ( laughing )

WHAT IS SO FUNNY?

TOMMY HANDLEY,
"CAN I DO YOU NOW, SIR?"

GOOD MOANING.

GOOD MOANING.

OUTSIDE THE FRONT
OF YOUR COFFEE,

UNDER THE LIMP POST,

ARE A COUPLE OF TITS.

HE MEANS TARTS.

WE KNOW ABOUT THEM.

THEY ARE THE BRITISH AIRMEN
IN DISGUISE.

THERE IS A BIG SEARCH
GOING ON FOR THEM.

GET OUT THERE, MAKE SURE
THAT NOBODY PICKS THEM UP.

LEAVE IT TO MOO.

THESE HEELS
ARE KILLING ME.

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO INSISTED ON WEARING THEM.

I'VE GOT
JOLLY GOOD ANKLES.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO
IF SOMEONE TRIES TO PICK YOU UP?

WHAT A GOOD WHEEZE.

YOU LOOK REVOLTING.

CAVEE, A PUNTER.

MOVE ALONG,

YOU RINDY LITTLE MAN.

RENE, EDITH,

YOU ARE WANTED
IN THE BACK ROOM.

- IT IS MICHELLE.
- OH, HECK.

- MONSIEUR LECLERC.
- MADAME?

SUPERVISE THE CAFE,
AND KEEP YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THE TILL.

( register rings )

I HAVE PLANS
TO HIDE THE AIRMEN

WHERE THEY WILL
NEVER BE FOUND.

FOR THIS OPERATION,
I HAVE RECRUITED

THE BRAVEST MAN
IN ALL FRANCE.

I THOUGHT I WAS
THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE?

NOT SINCE YOU GALLOPED OFF
ALONE IN THAT GYPSY CARAVAN.

PAY ATTENTION.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
UNDERTAKER,

"SWIFTLY
AND WITH STYLE."

GRACIOUS,
BEAUTIFUL MADAME, I KISS YOUR HAND.

EVERY NIGHT,
BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP,

I THINK ABOUT YOU
FOR 10 MINUTES--

( grunts )

SOMETIMES LONGER.

FORGIVE ME, MONSIEUR,
BUT YOU WILL BE AWARE

THAT TO THIS
GORGEOUS LADY

I'VE FOREVER
LOST MY HEART.

AND APPARENTLY
YOUR MARBLES.

MAM'ZELLE,

MAM'ZELLE.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

I HAVE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE,
SO FOR ME, IT IS TWICE.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS EVERY NIGHT,

- IN HIS MORTUARY,
BEEN DIGGING A TUNNEL. - VIVE LA FRANCE.

YOU ARE ASKING,
"WHERE DOES THIS TUNNEL LEAD?"

I AM NOT ACTUALLY.

IT LEADS TO THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE ROAD.

GOOD.

ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE ROAD,

IS THE TRANSIT CAMP
FOR BRITISH PRISONERS OF WAR.

THESE ARE AIRMEN
WHO HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN,

AND AWAIT TRANSPORT
TO GERMANY.

IN THIS CAMP,

THE PRISONERS ARE
ALSO DIGGING A TUNNEL.

THE TUNNELS ARE
ABOUT TO CONNECT.

THE PRISONERS WILL ESCAPE

WHEN WE HAVE MADE
THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS.

EXCUSE ME,
IF YOU ARE THINKING OF BRINGING ANY MORE

BRITISH AIRMEN HERE,
YOU CAN FORGET IT.

WE HAVE NOT GOT RID
OF OUR PRESENT STOCK.

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

WE ARE GOING TO HIDE
YOUR AIRMEN IN THE PRISONER OF WAR CAMP,

WHERE THEY CAN
OBTAIN UNIFORMS.

OH, I THINK THAT
IS A WONDERFUL IDEA.

YES, THIS IS DEFINITELY
THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY

THAT BRITISH AIRMEN
HAVE TUNNELED

INTO A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.

BUT, HOW CAN WE
TRANSPORT THE AIRMEN

TO THE MORTUARY
WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION?

THERE ARE GERMANS
EVERYWHERE.

THERE IS A CURFEW.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE AND
WE OF THE RESISTANCE

HAVE DONE OUR PART,
THE REST IS UP TO YOU.

- HANG ON A MINUTE!
- I MUST GO NOW INTO THE NIGHT.

WHEN YOU HAVE A PLAN,
PHONE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

MY CARD.

24 HOUR SERVICE.

JUST A MINUTE, MICHELLE.
HOW LONG HAVE WE GOT?

THEY MUST BE GONE
FROM HERE BEFORE MORNING.

( sighs )
IS THAT NOT TYPICAL?

SHE GIVES US HALF A PLAN,
AND THEN DISAPPEARS INTO THE NIGHT.

- ( dustbins clatter )
- Michelle: AARGHH!

AND SHE FORGETS
HER FLASHLIGHT.

MY BRAIN IS FERMENTING
WITH AN IDEA.

BOTTLE IT
AND SERVE IT UP LATER.

I AM GOING TO LIE DOWN.

- ( whispers )
- ( door opens, shuts )

THIS IS VERY
HUMILIATING, HANS.

IS A GENERAL ALLOWED

TO COMMANDEER YOUR OFFICE?

IS IT IN THE RULES?

A GENERAL CAN DO
ANYTHING HE LIKES.

I SHALL BE
THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WHOLE ARMY.

I WON'T LAUGH AT YOU,
COLONEL.

YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN
VERY KIND TO ME,

IN YOUR BLUFF,
OVERBEARING WAY.

HE'S VERY QUIET
IN THERE.

MAYBE HE IS GOING
THROUGH YOUR DRAWERS?

HE WON'T FIND ANYTHING.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR "HEALTH
AND EFFICIENCY" MAGAZINE?

I TOLD YOU
TO THROW THAT AWAY!

THE GENERAL
WILL SEE YOU.

STOMACH IN,
CHEST OUT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

- HEIL HITLER.
- KLOP.

- DID HE HEAR US?
- SHHH.

- HEIL HITLER!
- KLOP!

SHALL WE SIT DOWN?

- STOP WHISPERING!
- STOP WHISPERING, HANS.

COME HERE!

I HAVE BEEN READING
YOUR REPORTS ON YOUR OCCUPATION OF THE TOWN.

HANDWRITING-- GOOD,
EFFORT-- INEFFECTUAL.

I WANT RESULTS
AND I WANT THEM NOW.

IF THERE ARE BRITISH AIRMEN
IN THE AREA, I WANT THEM CAPTURED.

EVERY LEAD YOU HAVE
SO FAR OBTAINED,

POINTS TO THIS CAFE,
CAFE RENE.

IT IS HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS.

FOR INSTANCE, WHY WOULD
A SMALL PROVINCIAL CAFE

HAVE HANGING ON ITS WALL,
A GENUINE VAN GOGH?

- A GENUINE VAN GOGH?
- A GENUINE VAN GOGH?

MMM, IT WILL BE SENT
TO HITLER, FORTHWITH.

WOULD YOU LIKE US
TO POST IT?

NO, YOU WILL
CONCENTRATE ON THE CAFE.

WE WILL CLOSE
IT DOWN TONIGHT,

ARREST EVERYBODY
AND SHOOT HOSTAGES.

WE WILL SHOW THEM
WHO IS BOSS.

TYPICAL.

HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD
THE EXPRESSION,

"SOFTLY, SOFTLY,
CATCHY MONKEY"?

WAS THAT FROM
THE FILM "KING KONG"?

AT THE MOMENT,
EVERY BRITISH AIRMEN

WHO IS SHOT DOWN, DISAPPEARS.
THEY MUST BE GOING SOMEWHERE.

OUR BEST CLUE
IS THIS CAFE.

WATCH IT AS A CAT
WATCHES A MOUSE,

BUT MAKE NO MOVE
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

THAT IS ALL.
YOU MAY GO.

- HEIL HITLER.
- KLOP.

- HEIL HITLER!
- KLOP!

GET OUT!

GRUBER,

GENERAL.

THIS, UH...
VAN GOGH,

IT WILL BE WORTH
A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY

AFTER THE WAR,
WILL IT NOT?

YES, INDEED,
GENERAL.

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

WELL, I'VE--
DONE PRETTY WELL, UP TILL NOW.

HAVE IT COPIED,
BUT SAY NOTHING TO ANYONE.

- YES, GENERAL.
- ( door opens )

HERRS OTTO FLICK
AND ENGELBERT VON SMALLHAUSEN

OF THE GESTAPO
ARE HERE IN ACCORDANCE

WITH YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.

SEND IN THE HERRS.
YOU MAY GO, GRUBER.

COME IN HERE!

- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER.

WHAT ARRANGEMENTS
HAVE YOU MADE

TO KEEP THE CAFE RENE
UNDER CLOSE OBSERVATION?

WE INTEND TO INFILTRATE

THE CAFE IN DISGUISE.

WHAT SORT OF DISGUISE?

NOT APPROVED.

BUT, UH...

YOU CAN STAY AND HAVE
A DRINK, IF YOU LIKE?

♪ I'M NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT ♪

♪ NOT MUCH TO SEE ♪

♪ JUST GLAD I'M LIVING ♪

♪ AND LUCKY TO BE ♪

♪ BUT I'VE GOT A SOMEONE ♪

♪ CRAZY FOR ME ♪

♪ HE'S FUNNY THAT WAY ♪

♪ I CAN'T SAVE A DOLLAR ♪

♪ AIN'T WORTH A CENT ♪

♪ HE DOESN'T HOLLER ♪

- ♪ HE LIVE IN A TENT... ♪
- HE MUST BE IN THE TANK CORPS.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE ENJOYING YOURSELF.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE WATCHING.

THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN
ARE WELL AWAY.

AS NEWTS.

YVETTE SHOULD HAVE
NO PROBLEM GETTING THE GUN.

EDITH, IF THIS PLAN
OF YOURS GOES WRONG,

THERE WILL NOT BE
A WALL IN NOUVION

BIG ENOUGH TO SHOOT
US ALL AGAINST.

TELL ME HOW ELSE WE CAN GET
THE BODIES TO THE MORTUARY.

♪ ...HE'D BE SO MUCH
BETTER OFF ♪

♪ IF I WENT AWAY ♪

♪ BUT WHY SHOULD
I LEAVE HIM? ♪

♪ WHY SHOULD I GO? ♪

♪ HE'D BE MUCH BETTER ♪

♪ WITHOUT ME I KNOW ♪

♪ I HAVE A SOMEONE ♪

♪ CRAZY FOR ME ♪

♪ HE'S FUNNY THAT WAY. ♪

OH, CAPTAIN!

IF YOU WILL TAKE YOUR
NAUGHTY HAND OFF MY KNEE,

I WILL GET YOU
SOME MORE WINE.

- OH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST WARMING IT. - ( both chuckle )

- I WON'T BE A MOMENT.
- ( laughs )

HERE, I HAVE
THE CAPTAIN'S GUN.

- QUICK, RENE--
THE BLANKS. - OH, YES.

( register rings )

QUICK,

- GRUBER IS COMING ACROSS.
- PUT IT BACK IN HIS HOLSTER.

YOU HAVE NOT LOST
YOUR TOUCH, I SEE.

JUST ONE OF
MY LITTLE TALENTS.

- FOR A WHILE I WAS
A COMIC SINGER. - OH.

YOUR WIFE HAS ASKED ME TO PLAY
FOR HER NEXT APPEARANCE.

- HERE IS THE MUSIC.
- AH.

"SPANISH FLAMENCO FANDANGO."

WHAT KEY?

SHE DOES NOT MIND,
SHE PLAYS THE CASTANETS.

- WHERE IS MONSIEUR LECLERC?
- HE'S IN THE KITCHEN, TUNING HIS VIOLIN.

- WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?
- THEY SHOULD BE OUTSIDE WITH THE POLICEMEN.

MARIA,

- TELL THEM OUTSIDE
TO STAND BY. - HERE, HERE.

HERE IS
THE TOMATO SAUCE.

- TELL THEM
NOT TO OVERDO IT. - ROGER.

HERE IS YOUR WINE,
CAPTAIN.

OH, THANK YOU.
COME ALONG.

YOU BAD, BAD
LITTLE GERMAN, YOU.

OLE!
HOW DO I LOOK?

IT IS YOU, LECLERC.

ARE THE BLANK CARTRIDGES
IN THE REVOLVER?

YOU JUST DO
YOUR BIT.

- DO YOU KNOW
YOUR WORDS? - OF COURSE.

THEY ARE HERE.

STAND BY.
I WILL GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL.

I WILL THEN SEND IN
THE TWO TITS.

I WILL MYSELF,
ENTER AFTER TWO SHATS FROM THE REVILVER.

ALL RIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TONIGHT IS CARNIVAL NIGHT
AT THE CAFE RENE.

MADAME EDITH
PRESENTS FOR YOU,

BY POPULAR REQUEST,

A SPANISH EXTRAVAGANZA.

IT CANNOT BE WORSE
THAN HER SINGING.

DON'T BET ON IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,

FLAMENCO FANDANGO.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

( flamenco music playing )

( castanets clattering )

OLE!

OOH!

Rene:
THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.

STOP THE MUSIC!

( strings grate )

HOW DARE YOU!
YOU FAITHLESS DECEIVER!

PLEASURING YOURSELF
WITH WOMEN OF THE STREETS,

WHILE I AM OUT HERE
WORKING OFF MY BUTT.

PERHAPS I PREFER
THE WOMEN OF THE STREETS,

TO AN OLD CLACKER
OF CASTANETS.

CAPTAIN!

ARE YOU PREPARED
TO SEE ME INSULTED

IN MY OWN CAFE
IN THIS MANNER?

WELL, I HADN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT, ACTUALLY.

DANCE ON, STRUMPET.

I AM TAKING
THESE TWO UPSTAIRS.

OH!

MADAME EDITH,
HOW CAN YOU ALLOW

THIS INSULT
TO GO UNAVENGED?

ALLOW ME
TO STRIKE HIM.

STAND ASIDE!

DIE LIKE A DOG.

( both groaning )

OH MY GOD,
I HAVE MISSED HIM.

I HAVE SHOT THE WOMEN
OF THE STREETS.

THAT WAS MY GUN!
COLONEL,

THAT WAS MY GUN!
SHE SHOT THEM WITH MY GUN!

I WAS PISSING
BY THE DOOR,

WHEN I HEARD
TWO SHATS.

YOU ARE HOLDING
IN YOUR HAND, A SMOKING GOON.

YOU ARE CLEARLY
THE GUILTY POTTY.

I DID NOT DO IT!
TELL THEM I DID NOT DO IT!

I WAS NOT LOOKING.

OFFICER!

YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY

OVER THE GLORIOUS
GERMAN ARMY.

THIS WAS JUST AN ORDINARY
CRIME OF PASSION,

THAT HAPPENS IN FRANCE
ON ANY SATURDAY NIGHT.

BUT, IF IT SHOULD
COME TO THE EARS

OF GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN--

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

( quietly )
IF IT SHOULD COME TO THE EARS

OF GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN

THAT-- THAT-- THAT
AN OFFICER ALLOWED

HIS GUN TO BE
TAKEN FROM HIM,

THEN BOTH HE
AND HIS SUPERIOR

WOULD BE
IN VERY HOT WATER.

SEE?
YOU ARE IN IT TOO.

FOR THE USUAL BRIBE
OF 50,000 FRANCS,

I TRUST YOU
WILL OVERLOOK THIS INCIDENT?

- DID I MAKE THOSE?
- SHUT UP!

IS THERE AN UNDERTAKER
IN THE HOUSE?

( clearing throat )

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
UNDERTAKER,

"SWIFTLY
AND WITH STYLE."

OH, WHAT LUCK.

I WILL TURN TO THIS,
A BLONDE EYE.

REMOVE THE BIDDIES.

COLONEL, CAPTAIN,
PLEASE, LEAVE QUICKLY

BY THE BACK DOOR
WITH YOUR TROOPS.

I WILL SEE THAT
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN DOES NOT HEAR OF THIS.

- THANK YOU, RENE.
- TAKE THE LIEUTENANT WITH YOU.

QUICK, HANS.

HUBERT!

Hans:
I DIDN'T DO IT. I DID NOT DO IT.

Colonel:
SHUT UP!

HA HA HA, RENE.

THEY HAVE
SWALLOWED IT.

THEY HAVE SWALLOWED IT.

I WILL TELL YOU
ONE THING, EDITH,

THESE GERMANS,
THEY ARE SO STUPID.

THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE
GOING TO WIN THIS WAR.

- ONE, TWO...
- ( flamenco music playing )

( theme music playing )