'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 3, Episode 2 - Gruber Does Some Mincing - full transcript

Gruber is about to mince the sausage his dog brought in when he discovers the painting. The Resistance pay off Alphonse,who provided the ransom money,with notes forged by LeClerc whilst ...

( theme music playing )

MADAME PAYEZ IS IN
THE FAMILY WAY.

SHE IS PLEASED.

HER HUSBAND IS NOT.

HE HAS BEEN IN THE NICK
FOR TWO YEARS.

RUMOR HAS IT
THAT THE FATHER IS MAURICE GAZIER,

WHOSE MISTRESS IS
MADAME COROISETTE, THE MILLINER,

WHOSE BROTHER
WAS A.D.C. TO GENERAL CLAUDE CAVILLION,

THE HERO OF YPRES,

WHICH IS WHERE HE OBTAINED
HIS WOODEN LEG,

WHICH HE KEEPS
ON THE MANTELPIECE.



YOU HAVE NOT MET
ANY OF THESE PEOPLE,

NOR ARE YOU LIKELY TO,

BUT I THOUGHT
I WOULD FILL YOU IN ON A LITTLE LOCAL GOSSIP

BECAUSE MY AFFAIRS
ARE SO COMPLICATED

I WOULD NOT KNOW
WHERE TO BEGIN.

RENE, I HAVE A MESSAGE
FROM THE RESISTANCE.

THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
OR OUR LOT?

( spitting )
OUR RESISTANCE.

THE RUNAWAY ALSATIAN
HAS RETURNED TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER

WITH THE SAUSAGE
WHICH HE RETRIEVED.

THANK YOU, MARIA.

THANK GOD
HE WAS NOT A ROTTWEILER.

THE SAUSAGE
SHE IS TALKING ABOUT

IS THE ONE CONTAINING
THE FORGED PAINTING



OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG--

WHICH THE COMMUNIST
STOLE FROM MY KITCHEN,

AND THEN DEMANDED A RANSOM
OF 800,000 FRANCS.

RENE...

I HAVE JUST MET MONSIEUR
ALPHONSE, THE UNDERTAKER, IN THE SQUARE.

HE'S WANTING THE RETURN
OF HIS MONEY.

I TOLD HIM YOU
WERE DEALING WITH IT.

SO HE HAS GONE HOME
QUITE HAPPY NOW.

THANK YOU, EDITH.

THIS IS THE MONEY
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE LENT US

TO PAY THE RANSOM
ON THE UNDERSTANDING

THAT THE GERMAN COLONEL
WOULD ORGANIZE AN AMBUSH

TO SNATCH IT BACK AGAIN.

THIS HE FAILED TO DO,

SO THE COMMUNISTS
STILL HAVE THE MONEY.

( sighs )

HOW DO YOU TELL
AN AGING OLD UNDERTAKER WITH A WEAK HEART

THAT HIS ENTIRE
LIFE SAVINGS HAVE GONE?

BY TELEPHONE.

NOUVION 302, PLEASE.

AH, YOU ARE ON DUTY AGAIN,
ANTOINETTE.

ARE YOU STILL
LISTENING IN ON EVERYBODY'S PHONE CALLS?

MADAME WHO?

WHAT, THE MILLINER?

ANOTHER ONE?

HOW DOES SHE FIND TIME
TO MAKE THE HATS?

THIS IS WHERE
I GET IT ALL FROM.

HELLO, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S RENE, FROM THE--

ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?

OH, YOU ARE LAYING OUT.

EMBALMING?

CAN YOU DO THAT
WITH ONE HAND?

IS IT ANYBODY WE KNOW?

OH, YES, WELL HE WAS
NOT LOOKING WELL.

I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU--
THE SAUSAGE HAS BEEN RETURNED.

IT WENT LIKE CLOCKWORK.

THE MONEY?

IT IS SAFE.

NO, NOT EXACTLY HERE,

YOU WILL HAVE TO
WAIT A FEW DAYS

BEFORE YOU CAN
HAVE IT BACK AGAIN.

NO, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

THE RESISTANCE
DO NOT PAY INTEREST.

HERR FLICK,
I HAVE SOMETHING TO REPORT.

HELGA, HOW DID YOU
GET IN HERE?

I USED THE KEY THAT YOU
PERSONALLY GAVE TO ME.

YOU DO NOT USE THAT KEY
DURING WORKING HOURS.

THAT IS ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES
AND FOR SECRET ASSIGNMENTS

PREVIOUSLY MADE AND APPROVED
FOR PRIVATE CANOODLES.

I AM SORRY, HERR FLICK.

CONCEAL IT UPON
YOUR PERSON.

THAT IS NOT EASY,
HERR FLICK.

YOU WILL THINK
OF SOMETHING.

WHAT IS YOUR REPORT?

I HAVE TO REPORT
THAT LIEUTENANT GRUBER

RETURNED TO HIS APARTMENT
AND HAS BEEN APPREHENDED

BY YOUR AGENT
VON SMALLHAUSEN, WHO IS HERE NOW.

TELL HIM TO COME
IN HERE.

( shouts )
COME IN HERE!

- REPORT.
- FOLLOWING YOUR INSTRUCTIONS,

I APPREHENDED
LIEUTENANT GRUBER IN HIS QUARTERS.

HE WAS IN THE ACT
OF DOING HIS EXERCISES

BY PERFORMING PRESS-UPS
ON THE CARPET.

DID HE PUT UP
A STRUGGLE?

OF COURSE NOT.
WE TOOK HIM BY SURPRISE.

HE IS OUTSIDE.

BRING HIM IN HERE.

( shouts )
BRING HIM IN HERE!

YOU SENT FOR ME?

YOUR DOG STOLE
A VERY IMPORTANT

GESTAPO SAUSAGE--
WHERE IS IT?

WELL, THINKING THE DOGGY
MIGHT FANCY A SAUSAGE

A BIT LATER
FOR HIS DINNER,

I PUT IT IN MY LITTLE
REFRIGERATOR.

AND THAT IS WHERE
WE FOUND IT.

- YOU MEAN YOU HAVE IT?
- OF COURSE, IT IS OUTSIDE.

THEN BRING IT IN HERE.

( shouts )
BRING IT IN HERE!

OPEN IT.

THERE IS NOTHING THERE
BUT A PLATE OF MINCEMEAT.

GRUBER, HAVE YOU
BEEN MINCING?

THE LITTLE DOGGY
IS VERY PARTICULAR.

HE WILL NOT TOUCH
CHUNKY FOOD.

BUT THE PAINTING!

THERE WAS A VALUABLE
PAINTING IN THE SAUSAGE.

I KNOW. I REMOVED IT.
IT'S IN THE ICE COMPARTMENT.

YOU HAVE RUINED
ONE OF THE WORLD'S

GREATEST MASTERPIECES.

IF I MAY SAY SO,
THAT WAS NOT THE MASTERPIECE--

THAT WAS THE FORGERY.

- THE FORGERY?
- THE FORGERY?

THE FORGERY?

SO, SOMEBODY MUST
HAVE SUBSTITUTED

THE FORGED PAINTING
IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE

FOR THE REAL PAINTING
IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE

WHEN THE SAUSAGE
WAS IN THE CAFE.

OR THE RESISTANCE
SUBSTITUTED A FORGED PAINTING

FOR THE REAL PAINTING
IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE

WHEN THEY STOLE
THE SAUSAGE;

OR YOU, HERR GRUBER,

WITH YOUR WELL KNOWN
LEANING TOWARD ART

HAVE SUBSTITUTED
THE FORGED PAINTING

FOR THE REAL PAINTING

AND YOUR DOG RETURNED
THE SAUSAGE TO YOUR QUARTERS

CLEVERLY MINCING THE SAUSAGE
TO REMOVE ALL TRACES

OF MY LITTLE SWASTIKA

WHICH I HAD PLACED
ON THE SIDE OF IT

SO THAT NOW I WILL
NEVER KNOW WHETHER

IT WAS THE ORIGINAL SAUSAGE
OR JUST ANY OLD SAUSAGE.

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT,
HERR FLICK.

SO GRUBER,

THE FINGER POINTS
AT YOU.

WHY WOULD I TELL YOU
THAT THIS IS A FORGERY

KNOWING FULL WELL
THAT IT WOULD MAKE YOU CROSS?

I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU
MY LITTLE DOGGY HAD EATEN IT.

I THINK THIS MAN
IS INNOCENT.

WHAT SORT OF
GESTAPO OFFICER ARE YOU,

SAYING A MAN
IS INNOCENT?

IF WHAT HE SAYS
IS TRUE,

AND THIS IS
A FROZEN FACSIMILE,

THEN THE REAL PAINTING
MUST STILL EXIST,

WHICH MEANS,
IT CAN BE FOUND

BY SKILLFUL GESTAPO
INVESTIGATIONS.

THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE
THE GESTAPO.

SO...

THE LAST PLACE
AT WHICH WE KNOW FOR CERTAIN

THAT THE PAINTING EXISTED
WAS AT RENE'S CAFE.

YOU, GRUBER, ARE FRIENDLY
WITH THIS MAN.

WELL, WE GET ON QUITE WELL.

SEE WHAT YOU CAN
WHEEDLE OUT OF HIM.

IF HE WILL NOT SQUEAL,

OFFER TO RUN A TANK
THROUGH HIS CAFE.

( alarm buzzing )

( startled gasp )

THE FLASHING KNOBS.

ROGER, ROGER!

I THINK WE ARE GETTING
THE MESSAGE.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

IT IS SO LONG AGO,

YOU HAVE TAKEN ME
BY SURPRISE.

I SAY, IS SOMEONE GOING
TO ANSWER THAT DAMNED THING?

I WAS FAST ASLEEP.

IT'LL BE LONDON--
IT MAY BE FOR US.

COME ON.
TAKE THE OTHER END.

WHOA!

LEAVE IT ALONE,
LEAVE IT ALONE.

I HAVE NOT TOUCHED
ANYTHING.

HOW DOES
THE DAMNED THING WORK?

LOUDSPEAKER'S IN THE JERRY.

Man:
'Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk.

Are you receiving me?
Are you receiving me?

- Over?
- WHAT'S HE SAYING?

I'VE NO IDEA,
IT'S ALL IN FRENCH.

LET ME GET HOLD OF IT,

I KNOW HOW
TO MAKE IT WORK.

I AM GLAD ONE OF US DOES.

'ALLO, 'ALLO,

THIS IS NIGHTHAWK'S
MOTHER-IN-LAW,

PASS YOUR MESSAGE.
OVER.

'Allo, 'allo.

Captain Hook
is waiting for Peter Pan

in Never Never Land.
Over.

I THINK WE HAVE
THE CHILDREN'S PROGRAM.

NO, NO, FANNY,

- IT IS IN CODE.
- CODE?

I SHALL DECIPHER.

THE PRINT IS SO SMALL,
I CANNOT READ.

Hello, Nighthawk's
mother-in-law.

Hello, Nighthawk's
mother-in-law,

Are you reading me?
Over.

NO, THE PRINT
IS TOO SMALL,

PLEASE SEND
A BIGGER BOOK.

OVER AND OUT.

RENE,

THESE MUSSELS--
THEY'RE NOT GOOD.

IS YOUR WIFE
USING A NEW SPICE?

SUCH AS HAIR TONIC?

THEY COME FROM
THE USUAL HARBOR, DEAR COLONEL.

I THINK ONE OF
YOUR SUBMARINES IS LEAKING A LITTLE DIESEL OIL

DUE TO THE FACT THAT
THE R.A.F. BLEW IT UP.

ALL THE R.A.F.
HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN.

GOEBBELS SAID SO
ON THE WIRELESS,

SO IT MUST BE TRUE.

MIND YOU, HE SAID
EVA BRAUN WAS 29--

IF YOU BELIEVE THAT,
YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.

SOMEBODY
MAY BE LISTENING.

COLONEL, I HAVE
A SLIGHT PROBLEM.

THE MONEY YOU PROMISED
TO AMBUSH--

THE OWNER WANTS
IT BACK AGAIN.

HARD CHICKEN.

THAT WAS THE BARGAIN,
DEAR COLONEL.

I WAS TO GET THE MONEY
FOR THE PAINTING,

GIVE THE PAINTING TO YOU,

AND YOU WERE TO AMBUSH
THE COMMUNIST AND GET THE MONEY BACK.

WE DID NOT GET
THE PAINTING,

GRUBER'S DOG
GOT THE PAINTING.

IT COULD BE IN
ANY NUMBER OF PLACES.

ESPECIALLY IF
THE DOGGY ATE IT.

ANYWAY, THE MATTER IS CLOSED,
SO FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED.

WHICH BRINGS US
TO THE MAIN REASON FOR OUR VISIT--

GIRLS.

AH YES,
THE GIRLS.

WE HAVE FOR YOU, RENE,
12 LITERS OF PARAFFIN,

FOUR KILOS OF SUGAR,

ONE KILO OF BUTTER.

THANK YOU, COLONEL.

THAT SHOULD COVER
THE FLYING HELMET AND THE WET CELERY.

WHAT IF WE CHUCK IN
500 CIGARETTES?

FOR 500 CIGARETTES

I WOULD THROW IN
A FULLY WOUND CUCKOO-CLOCK.

THAT DOES NOT SOUND
MUCH FUN.

YOU WAIT UNTIL
IT STRIKES 12:00.

Both:
DONE.

I WILL ARRANGE IT.

- RENE?
- WHAT?

ARE THEY GOING TO GIVE US
THE MONEY FOR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

NO, NOT A HOPE.

THEN YVETTE
HAS A PLAN.

GOOD.
IN THE BACK ROOM.

YVETTE--
IN THE BACK ROOM.

MARIA, TELL MONSIEUR LECLERC
TO JOIN US IN THE BACK ROOM

AS SOON AS HE HAS
FINISHED HIS SOLO.

YVETTE, SIT DOWN.

NOW, TELL RENE
OF YOUR PLAN.

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
THE FORGER,

HAS BEEN SECRETLY
SLIPPING AWAY TO THE CELLAR.

I HAVE SPIED ON HIM,
HE IS FORGING MONEY.

WE COULD GIVE MONSIEUR
ALPHONSE FORGED MONEY.

EDITH, LECLERC
IS NOT A GOOD FORGER.

BUT I KNOW
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

HE WILL NOT EVEN LOOK
AT THE MONEY.

HE WILL PUT IT
STRAIGHT BACK IN HIS MATTRESS.

HE IS DEAD STINGY.

IT IS DECEITFUL
AND UNDERHAND--

IT IS A GOOD PLAN.

HOW DO WE PERSUADE
MONSIEUR LECLERC

TO REVEAL TO US

WHERE HE HAS HIDDEN
HIS SECRET HORDE?

( knocking )

MONSIEUR LECLERC
IS HERE.

LEAVE THIS TO ME.

YOU WISH TO SEE ME?

MONSIEUR LECLERC,

I DO NOT WISH TO
SPREAD PANIC

BUT THE CAFE IS ON FIRE.

OH.
WELL I SHALL GO--

FIRE!?
FIRE!?

M-MY GOD, MY SAVINGS!

MY LIFE FORGED
SAVINGS!

MY MONEY!

AH, OFFICER CRABTREE.
CAN I GET YOU A COGNAC?

NO, I AM NOT ALOOD TO DRUNK
WHEN I AM ON DIRTY.

I AM AMAZED THAT NO ONE
HAS PENETRATED YOUR DISGUISE.

I HAVE BEEN LICKY,

BUT I HAVE HAD SOME
NARROW SQUAWKS.

I WISH TO SPOOK
WITH RENE.

KILL HIM
AND GET ME A CIFFEE.

RENE!

- GOOD MOANING.
- AH, OFFICER--

HOW KIND OF YOU
TO PATRONIZE MY HUMBLE CAFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
YOU STUPID NIT?

YOU'RE GOING TO
GET US ALL NICKED.

MICHELLE HAS
A MASSAGE FOR YOU.

SAT HERE AND SHE WILL
GIN YOU AT THIS TOBLE.

AH, I MUST BE ABOOT
MY BOSSNESS.

A POLOCEMAN'S LIT
IS NOT A HIPPY WIN.

AND HE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE ON OUR SIDE.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

CAPTAIN HOOK IS WAITING
FOR PETER PAN IN NEVER-NEVER LAND.

THERE WOULD BE VERY
LITTLE POINT IN YOU SAYING THAT TWICE.

I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT MEANS.

HOW ARE YOU EVER
GOING TO HELP US

IF YOU DO NOT LEARN
YOUR CODE BOOK?

IT MEANS,
THE PLAN OF ESCAPE

FOR THE BRITISH AIRMEN
HAS BEEN APPROVED BY LONDON.

GOOD.

WHAT PLAN?

TO ESCAPE IN THE AIRPLANE
FROM THE MUSEUM.

SURELY, YOU ARE NOT
GOING AHEAD

WITH THAT
HAREBRAINED SCHEME?

IT HASN'T EVEN GOT
AN ENGINE!

WE HAVE STOLEN FROM
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

THE ENGINE
OF HIS MOTOR MOWER.

MICHELLE,
HE WILL DO HIS NUT!

YOU ARE GOING TO HIDE
IT FOR US.

WHERE IS IT?

( engine starts )

WE WILL LEAVE IT HERE.
NO ONE WILL SUSPECT

IT IS THE BATH CHAIR
OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.

MORE OF THE CURSED
ENEMY APPROACH.

COME, LISETTE,
WE WILL MELT AWAY.

GOOD MORNING, RENE.

I WAS JUST OUT FOR
A LITTLE SPIN,

AND I THOUGHT
I WOULD DROP BY.

GOOD.

HOW PRETTY YOUR TANK
IS LOOKING TODAY.

I JUST GAVE IT A POLISH.

NOW, I HAVE A LITTLE FANCY
FOR SOMETHING FROM THE BAR.

MARIA OR YVETTE?

A COGNAC.

OF COURSE.

WILL YOU COME THIS WAY?

MARIA, A COGNAC
FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

OF COURSE.

GOOD MORNING,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

GOOD MORNING.

SHOO, SHOO.

NOW, RENE,

I WISH TO SPEAK TO YOU
MAN TO MAN.

IS THIS GOOD NEWS
OR BAD NEWS?

I HAVE A PROBLEM.

I CAN IMAGINE.

I AM IN HOT WATER
WITH THE GESTAPO.

THAT CAN BE
VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HERR FLICK BELIEVES
THAT YOU KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS

OF THE SAUSAGE
CONTAINING THE REAL PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.

- WITH THE BIG--
- CORRECT.

HE HAS GIVEN ME THE TASK
OF TRYING TO WRING

THIS INFORMATION
OUT OF YOU.

IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE,

I HAVE BEEN ORDERED--

I HAVE BEEN ORDERED TO--

I CAN NOT SAY IT.

GO ON, LIEUTENANT,
SAY IT.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
ORDERED TO DO?

DRIVE MY LITTLE TANK
FROM WHERE IT IS PARKED

INTO YOUR GARDEN
AT THE BACK.

WHAT IS SO TERRIBLE
ABOUT THAT?

IN A STRAIGHT LINE--

THROUGH YOUR CAFE.

I SEE.

LIEUTENANT, WHAT I AM
ABOUT TO SAY TO YOU

IS IN THE STRICTEST
CONFIDENCE,

JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

RENE,

I AM YOUR FRIEND.

YES...

THERE IS ANOTHER SAUSAGE

CONTAINING THE ORIGINAL
PAINTING, THE REAL ONE.

IT IS BRICKED UP
IN MY CELLAR.

IT BELONGS TO THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN.

THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS UNBRICK IT

AND GIVE IT TO ME.

BUT, LIEUTENANT,
THAT WOULD DROP ME RIGHT IN IT.

THE COLONEL
WILL HAVE ME SHOT.

I WILL TAKE YOU
TO MY QUARTERS

AND HIDE YOU.

YES, THAT IS A GOOD
PLAN FOR STARTERS.

LET US SEE IF WE CAN
THINK OF ANOTHER ONE.

- I HAVE IT!
- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

HOW WOULD IT BE
IF WE SUBSTITUTED

ANOTHER FORGERY
IN ANOTHER SAUSAGE?

BUT WE HAVE NOT GOT
ANOTHER FORGERY.

THESE DAYS
IT IS HARD ENOUGH TO GET THE SAUSAGE.

I THINK I COULD
PROVIDE A COPY

IF I COULD SEE
THE ORIGINAL.

ARE YOU AN ARTIST?

WELL, I HAVE LEANINGS,
YOU KNOW?

AND NOT A LITTLE TALENT.

BEFORE I WAS
A WINDOW DRESSER

I WAS EMPLOYED
IN AN ART GALLERY.

OCCASIONALLY,
I WAS ALLOWED TO TOUCH UP OLD MASTERS.

ONE HAS TO START
SOMEWHERE.

LET US GO DOWN TO YOUR CELLAR
AND EXAMINE THE MASTERPIECE.

NO, I WILL RETRIEVE
THE PAINTING

AND HAVE IT DELIVERED
TO YOUR QUARTERS.

BRING IT YOURSELF.

COME AT THE DEAD OF NIGHT
TO THE SIDE DOOR,

KNOCK FOUR TIMES,

A LITTLE TRAP
WILL OPEN IN THE DOOR.

ASK FOR VERONIQUE.

IS THIS YOUR CODE NAME?

NO, IT IS THE MAID
WHO WORKS AT THE CHATEAU.

SHE WILL SHOW YOU
TO MY QUARTERS.

SORRY.

( sighs heavily )

WHY DO YOU SIGH,
MARIA?

IT IS THE LIFE WE LEAD,
YVETTE.

IT IS TERRIBLE.

CLIMBING THOSE STAIRS
TIME AFTER TIME

TO ENTERTAIN MEN.

IT IS NOT RIGHT.

I AGREE WITH YOU.

WE SHOULD HAVE A ROOM
ON THE GROUND FLOOR.

- HELLO.
- OH, CAPTAIN!

I HAVE WITH ME
THE GOODIES.

THE PARAFFIN IS OUTSIDE.

( horn honking )

THAT IS THE COLONEL.
HE IS IN A BAD MOOD.

WE TOSSED UP TO SEE
WHO SHOULD BRING

THESE LITTLE
THINGS TO YOU AND I WON.

NOW, WHO IS
TO GET THIS LITTLE BOTTLE OF PERFUME?

- ME.
- ME.

EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MO,

CATCH A FRENCH GIRL
BY HER TOE,

IF SHE HOLLERS,
WHO'S TO KNOW,

OUT GOES YOU.
IT IS YOURS.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, MARIA.
WE WILL SHARE,

WE WILL BOTH
WEAR IT TONIGHT.

- ( horn honks )
- COMING, COLONEL.

HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE CUDDLE ON ACCOUNT?

I HOPE YOU ARE NOT BEING
NICE TO ME

JUST BECAUSE I AM
A CONQUERING HERO.

WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?

THE SPECIALTY
OF THE DAY-- FROGS' LEGS SOUP.

IT LOOKS DELICIOUS--

SAVE A PORTION FOR ME
FOR TONIGHT.

ALL THOSE LEGS,

THEY REMIND ME
OF THE FOLIES BERGERES.

TONIGHT WE WILL REMIND YOU
OF THE FOLIES BERGERES.

- ( horn honking )
- COMING, COLONEL.

CAPTAIN GEERING,

DID YOU
REMEMBER THE BATTERY FOR MY CYCLE LAMP?

AH, YES, YES.
I HAVE IT HERE.

OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN.

NO, YOU MUSTN'T TICKLE.

YOU SENT FOR ME,
HERR FLICK?

YES, HELGA.

YOU ARE
THREE MINUTES LATE.

MY DUTIES
WITH THE COLONEL END AT 5:30.

I HAVE TO TIDY THE OFFICE,
AND THEN I HAVE TO HAVE A SCHNAPPS WITH HIM.

I HOPE THAT YOU
DID NOT ENJOY IT.

NOT AT ALL.

GOOD.
YOU MAY KISS ME.

STOP!

ALSO YOU HAD
CHEESE BISCUIT.

THE COLONEL ALWAYS INSISTS
THAT WITH MY DRINK

I ALSO HAVE
A LITTLE NIBBLE.

NOW PAY ATTENTION.

I WILL SHORTLY
BE INVITING YOU TO THE GESTAPO CLUB.

- ARE YOU PLEASED?
- OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.

TO BE IN THE CLUB
WITH THE GESTAPO

WILL BE A GREAT HONOR.

I KNOW.

YOU WILL BE MY PARTNER
AT THE ANNUAL GESTAPO DANCE

IN BERLIN.

FIRST, THERE WILL BE
A BANQUET

WITH THE TRADITIONAL
BOAR'S HEAD,

BARON OF BEEF,
FRANKFURTERS,

STRUDEL, SAUERKRAUT
AND OODLES OF BEER.

THE PLACE WILL BE
FULL OF BIG NOISES,

INCLUDING GOERING
AND HIMMLER.

I CAN'T WAIT.

AT MIDNIGHT YOU WILL
BE EXPECTED TO DANCE

THE TRADITIONAL
GESTAPO DANCE.

HOW DOES IT GO,
HERR FLICK?

I WILL DEMONSTRATE.

( music plays )

♪ YOU PUT YOUR LEFT
BOOT IN ♪

♪ YOU TAKE YOUR LEFT
BOOT OUT ♪

♪ YOU DO A LOT OF SHOUTING ♪

♪ AND YOU SHAKE
YOUR FISTS ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU LIGHT A LITTLE SMOKEY,
AND YOU BURN DOWN THE TOWN ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ HEIL ♪

♪ OH, HIMMLER, HIMMLER,
HIMMLER... ♪

( telephone rings )

SWITCH IT OFF.

( needle scratches )

YES, GRUBER?

YES, CARRY ON, GRUBER.

GRUBER HAS A GOOD LEAD
AND HAS EVERY HOPE

OF TRACKING DOWN
THE PAINTING.

THIS IS GOOD NEWS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?

I HAVE TO REPORT
A SERIOUS CASE OF SABOTAGE

TO THE LAWN MOWER OF
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

THE ENGINE
HAS DISAPPEARED.

THIS IS VERY MYSTERIOUS.

WHO WOULD REQUIRE
THE ENGINE OF A LAWN MOWER?

POSSIBLY, HERR FLICK,

SOMEONE WHO POSSESSES
A LAWN MOWER WITHOUT AN ENGINE.

DON'T BE A SMART ASS
WITH ME, VON SMALLHOUSEN.

HERR FLICK,
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

ABOUT GENERAL VON
KLINKERHOFFEN'S LAWN?

IT WILL BE UNTIDY.

GET SOME PEASANTS
TO EAT THE GRASS.

OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.

AT ONCE.

NOW YOU ARE QUITE CLEAR
WHAT YOU MUST DO?

YES, RENE.

I GO TO THE SIDE DOOR
OF THE CHATEAU,

I RAP FOUR TIMES
ON THE DOOR.

A TRAP WILL OPEN,

AND I REQUEST TO BE
TAKEN INTO THE PRESENCE OF VERONIQUE.

NO...

VERONIQUE WILL TAKE YOU
TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?

GIVE HIM THE SAUSAGE.

GOOD, WHERE IS IT?

HERE.

GOOD, NOBODY WILL SUSPECT.

GO NOW.

RENE, EMBRACE ME.

OF COURSE.

- HOLD ME TIGHTER.
- NO, NO I MUST NOT,

I MIGHT CRUSH
YOUR KNOCKWURST.

OFF YOU GO.

RENE, AFTER WE ARE MARRIED

WE WILL LOOK BACK ON ALL THIS
AND LAUGH, WILL WE NOT?

OH, MARIA,
WE WILL HAVE HYSTERICS.

NOW, BE OFF.

RENE, YOUR WIFE
WISHES TO SEE YOU

IN THE BACK ROOM.

SHE IS ALONE.

OH, RENE,

ARE YOU GOING
TO TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY ME?

YVETTE, NOT AT A TIME
LIKE THIS.

WE ARE JUST ABOUT
TO OPEN.

BUT RENE, SHE KEEPS
GIVING ME FUNNY LOOKS.

PERHAPS SHE SUSPECTS
THERE IS SOMETHING UP BETWEEN US.

OH, YVETTE.

RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THE POOR CHILD.

HAVE YOU NOT HEARD?

HER GRANDMOTHER HAS DIED.

SHE DIED THREE YEARS AGO.

THE SHOCK HAS
JUST HIT HER.

TAKE 10 MINUTES OFF,
DEAR GIRL,

COMPOSE YOURSELF,
LIGHT A CANDLE.

THANK YOU, RENE.

OH, RENE, ALWAYS SO
COMPASSIONATE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE WAITING
FOR ME IN THE BACK ROOM?

I WAS.

I WAS LOOKING AT
THE PHOTOGRAPH OF OUR WEDDING,

IT BROUGHT IT
ALL BACK TO ME.

YOU WERE TALL
AND HANDSOME,

I WAS YOUNG
AND BEAUTIFUL.

YES, IT IS AMAZING WHAT
THOSE PHOTOGRAPHERS CAN DO.

RENE, WE SHOULD HAVE
A WEDDING WITHOUT DELAY.

THE VILLAGE EXPECT ONE,

THE GERMANS EXPECT ONE.

YOU ARE NOT
EXPECTING ONE, ARE YOU?

MADAME--

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
THE UNDERTAKER

IS COMING DOWN THE ROAD
IN HIS HORSE-DRAWN HEARSE.

- ( hoofs clicking rapidly )
- WHOA!

HE'S HAVING TROUBLE
WITH HIS BRAKES AGAIN.

- HE WILL BE
COMING FOR HIS MONEY. - ATTEND TO HIM AT ONCE.

RENE, YOU WILL GET
MY MONEY BACK FROM HIM

AND GIVE IT TO ME
LIKE YOU PROMISED?

OF COURSE.

MY WIFE WILL GO
INTO HIS ROOMS AND DO WHAT IS NECESSARY

WITH THE MATTRESS.

LONG LIVE FRANCE.

INDEED, AS YOU SAY,
MONSIEUR LECLERC,

LONG LIVE FRANCE.

WHAT A TALE WE SHALL HAVE
TO TELL TO OUR CHILDREN.

CHILDREN?

MADAME EDITH--

SHE HAS GOT ONE OF THESE
IN THERE, HAS SHE?

SHUT UP.

YOU ARE COMBING YOUR HAIR
VERY NICELY, HANS.

THANK YOU, COLONEL.

I SEE YOU HAVE POLISHED
YOUR HEAD.

WE HAVE TO LOOK OUR BEST
FOR THE GIRLS.

COLONEL, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO

WITH THE CUCKOO CLOCK.

- WHAT?
- CHARGE FOR AN EXTRA BIRD.

GOOD EVENING, COLONEL;
GOOD EVENING, CAPTAIN.

HOW HANDSOME
YOU BOTH LOOK!

( hoofbeats approaching )

AH, I MUST WELCOME
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

WHOA!

MAYBE NEXT TIME AROUND
THE HORSES WILL GROW TIRED.

MEANWHILE, I WILL
TAKE THIS LITTLE OPPORTUNITY

TO SING FOR YOU
A SONG ENTITLED

"I LOOKED EVERYWHERE
FOR LOVE

AND FOUND IT--

- UNDER THE TABLE.
- --IN MY HEART."

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
THE INTRODUCTION, IF YOU PLEASE.

- ( piano begins playing )
- QUICK, THE CHEESE, HANS.

( tires screeching,
crash )

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

I HOPE YOU WILL
EXCUSE THE DELAY, MADAME.

IT WAS MY NEW HORSE,
HE IS NOT USED TO THE HEARSE.

I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO SING A SONG.

I AM JUST IN TIME.
SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

YOU LOOK ENCHANTING,
MADAME,

THE GLINT IN YOUR HAIR,
THE DANCING LIGHTS IN YOUR EYES,

THE INVITING GLOSS
ON YOUR SENSUOUS LIPS,

YOUR HEADY PERFUME--
WHERE IS THE MONEY?

RENE, THE LITTLE PARCEL
FOR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE!

AH, YES.
HERE IT IS.

HERE WE ARE, MONSIEUR.

THE SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY
YOU LEFT WITH ME FOR SAFEKEEPING.

MERCI, MONSIEUR.
THANK YOU.

I EXPECT YOU WANT
TO TAKE IT HOME

AND PUT IT IN THE SECRET
HIDING PLACE KNOWN ONLY TO YOU AND TO ME.

OF COURSE.

BUT FIRST I WISH TO SAY
HOW RELIEVED I AM

AT HAVING RECOVERED
MY NEST EGG.

IT PUTS ME IN A GENEROUS
AND EXPANSIVE MOOD.

I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE
YOU ALL, EACH ONE OF YOU,

TO TAKE WINE,
CHAMPAGNE, COGNAC,

ANYTHING YOU DESIRE.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
UNDERTAKER,

"SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE,"

WILL PAY THE BILL.

WITH THAT MONEY?

OF COURSE.

YOU ARE FAR TOO GENEROUS.

YOU MUST NOT SPEND
ALL THIS MONEY,

NOT IN HERE ANYWAY.

COME ALONG, RENE,
DON'T BE A WET BLANKET.

IF HE WANTS TO BUY US
ALL FREE DRINKS

LET'S HAVE A PARTY.

FREE DRINKS!
FREE DRINKS!

DO NOT GO MAD!

SMALL MEASURES,
SMALL MEASURES.

FOR MADAME FANNY,

THE BEAUTIFUL MOTHER
OF MADAME EDITH--

5,000 FRANCS
TO BUY A NEW BONNET.

A NEW BONNET
FOR MAMMA?

NO, MONSIEUR,
IT'S TOO GENEROUS.

ROGER, QUICKLY
TO THE MILLINER'S BEFORE THEY CLOSE.

MONSIEUR RENE,
THIS IS FOR YOUR FRONT DOOR

WHICH I SLIGHTLY DAMAGED

BY BEING THROWN
THROUGH IT BY MY HORSE.

AND THIS IS FOR
YOUR CHICKENS, WHICH I RAN OVER WITH MY HEARSE.

THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.

THE RINGING OF YOUR TILL
MUST BE MUSIC TO YOUR EARS.

MUSIC, YES.

I COULD STRANGLE
THE COMPOSER.

RENE...

IF MY MOTHER SPENDS
THAT FORGED NOTE IN THE HAT SHOP

OUR COVER
WILL BE BLOWN.

THEN STOP HER.
WHERE IS SHE?

MONSIEUR LECLERC
IS TAKING HER THERE IN THE WHEELCHAIR.

THE WHEELCHAIR?

NO, NOT THE WHEELCHAIR!

- HAVE YOU GOT
THE BRAKE ON? - NO, FANNY.

WELL, PUSH HARDER.
THE SHOP WILL CLOSE SOON.

( engine starts )

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
COME BACK HERE.

FANNY, MY LOVE,
WHAT SHALL I DO?

WHAT SHALL I DO?

TURN RIGHT
AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS

AND TAKE THE SECOND
ON THE LEFT.

( theme music playing )