'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Nicked Knockwurst - full transcript

( theme music playing )

♪ CAN IT BE THE BREEZE ♪

♪ THAT FILLS THE TREES ♪

♪ WITH RARE
AND MAGIC PERFUME? ♪

♪ OH NO--

ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE THINKING
I AM SINGING IN THE BATH

BECAUSE I AM HAPPY?

NO. YOU ARE WRONG.

I AM SINGING IN THE BATH

BECAUSE THERE IS NO LOCK
ON THE DOOR.

HAPPY?
I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT.



THE BRITISH, WHO SCAMPERED LIKE
SCALDED PUSSYCATS AT DUNKIRK

ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT
COMING TO RESCUE US,

OTHERWISE THEY WOULD
HAVE BEEN HERE BY NOW.

ALL THEY DO IS SEND US
MESSAGES ON THE WIRELESS

TO THE RESISTANCE TELLING THEM
TO SHOOT THE GERMANS.

THIS OF COURSE,
MAKES THE GERMANS VERY CROSS,

SO THEY, IN THEIR TURN,
SHOOT THE RESISTANCE--

AND A FEW HOSTAGES
FOR GOOD MEASURE.

BY THE TIME THE BRITISH
GET HERE

THEY WILL BE LUCKY IF THERE
IS ANYBODY LEFT.

- ( knocking )
- WHO IS IT?

IT IS I--
YOUR WIFE'S MOTHER.

GO AWAY.

I WISH TO USE
THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.



( groans )

YOU ARE A BIG GIRL NOW--

USE THE ONE OUTSIDE
IN THE YARD.

THE ONE OUTSIDE IS FROZEN.

HAVE A HOT CUP
OF COCOA AND RUN.

WILL THEY GIVE ME NO PEACE!?

- AS I WAS SAYING...
- ( knocking )

YES, WHAT IS IT NOW?

IT IS I, LECLERC.

MAY I USE THE--

NO, YOU MAY NOT.
GET OUT.

AS I WAS SAYING...
THE BRITISH--

- ( knocking )
- WHAT IS IT?

IT IS I, YVETTE.

ARE YOU READY
FOR TWO BIG JUGS?

YES, COME IN.

SHALL I LET YOU HAVE IT?

BY ME FEET.

( shuddering )

THE OLD BOILER
IS IN A TERRIBLE STATE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I MARRIED HER
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OH RENE,

WHEN WE ARE MARRIED
WILL IT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS?

POSSIBLY.

JUST THE SIGHT OF YOUR BODY

COVERED IN BUBBLES
DRIVES ME WILD.

I WILL SCRUB YOUR BACK.

NOW WHERE IS THE SOAP?

I WILL GET.

BE CAREFUL WITH IT,
THAT IS ALL THAT I HAVE.

TONIGHT I WILL GET A BIGGER ONE
FROM THE COLONEL.

I SHOULD NOT
BE SURPRISED.

Edith:
RENE! RENE!

HOW MUCH LONGER
ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN THE BATHROOM?

MY MOTHER WISHES TO AVAIL
HERSELF OF THE FACILITY.

I HAVE TOLD HER TO USE
THE ONE OUTSIDE IN THE YARD.

THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE HIDING IN IT.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT HER
IN THE WHEELCHAIR

AND TAKE HER TO THE ONE
IN THE TOWN SQUARE.

THE GERMANS HAVE PADLOCKED IT

EVER SINCE SOMEONE WROTE
ON THE WALL, THAT POEM

ABOUT HITLER
AND HIS SHORTCOMINGS.

SHE WILL HAVE TO
CONTAIN HERSELF.

I WILL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.

ONE DAY YOU WILL GET
WHAT YOU DESERVE.

NOT WITH PEOPLE COMING IN
AND OUT OF THE BATHROOM ALL THE TIME.

WHAT IS YVETTE
DOING IN HERE?

YES, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?

I BROUGHT IN THE JUGS.

THEN YOU HAVE
NO REASON TO STAY.

GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

- AND HURRY.
- YES, RENE.

OH, RENE--
ALWAYS THE DISCIPLINARIAN.

WOULD YOU KINDLY LEAVE NOW?
I AM ABOUT TO REMOVE THE PLUG.

I WILL FETCH FOR YOU
A NICE HOT TOWEL.

THOSE STAIRS, THEY ARE TOO MUCH
FOR YOU, MY DEAR.

SEND UP MARIA.

AH RENE,
ALWAYS SO THOUGHTFUL.

( pounding )

PSST!

ARE WE ALONE?

NOT FOR VERY MUCH LONGER
I SUSPECT.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

WHY IS IT THAT
YOU SAY THINGS ONLY ONCE?

I SHALL THIS ONLY ONCE

BECAUSE I AM CLINGING
TO A RUSTY DRAINPIPE.

I HAVE A PLAN TO GET RID
OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN

WHO ARE HIDING
IN YOUR OUTSIDE BOG.

THAT WILL BE A GREAT RELIEF
TO MY WIFE'S MOTHER.

NOW PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION,
THIS IS THE PLAN.

THE BRACKETS HAVE CRACKED
AND ARE COMING AWAY FROM THE WALL.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS YOU ARE GOING
TO NEED A NEW DRAINPIPE.

( screams )

( crashing )

I WOULD GO TO HER ASSISTANCE
BUT, UH,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
THE POSITION I AM IN.

( singing off-key )
♪ LOVE IS WHERE YOU FIND IT ♪

♪ DON'T BE BLINDED ♪

♪ IT'S ALL AROUND YOU
EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE. ♪

I WILL HAVE TO STOP
PUTTING CHEESE IN MY EARS.

WHY IS THIS, HANS?

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING
AND THERE WAS A MOUSE ON MY PILLOW.

MADAME EDITH
HAS AN UNUSUAL VOICE.

WAS IT TRAINED?

YES, BUT IT ESCAPED
AND RETURNED TO THE WILD.

- YOUR USUAL?
- THANK YOU.

YOU ARE LOOKING VERY PINK
AND FRESH TODAY.

I SAVED UP MY WATER RATION
AND MY SOAP RATION

TO HAVE A BATH.

I HAVE A VERY BIG BATH
AT THE CHATEAU,

IF EVER YOU WANT
TO LUXURIATE.

AH-- HOW THE CONQUERING
HEROES LIVE.

IF IT WAS NOT FOR THOSE
METTLESOME RESISTANCE PEOPLE

IT WOULD BE QUITE
A PEACEFUL LIFE.

AND, UH,

TALKING OF RESISTANCE--

THERE ARE RUMORS
ABOUT YOU, RENE.

IT IS SAID THAT
YOU ARE SOMETHING

THAT YOU DON'T APPEAR TO BE
AT FIRST SIGHT.

I HAVE HEARD THE SAME
ABOUT YOU.

I HOPE I AM NOT
INTERRUPTING ANYTHING?

I HOPE YOU ARE NEVER
INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.

THE COLONEL WISHES YOU
TO SIT AT HIS TABLE.

I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU
TO SIT AT MY TABLE.

WELL, WE ASKED FIRST.

FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED,
I'M AFRAID.

MARIA, WILL YOU TAKE
OVER THE BAR?

MAKE SURE THE LIEUTENANT
GETS WHAT HE WANTS.

CAN'T I JUST
TAKE OVER THE BAR?

- RENE.
- YES, COLONEL?

- SIT DOWN.
- DEAR COLONEL, HOW ARE YOU TODAY,

HOW IS THE WAR GOING?

DO YOU HAVE
THE HALF-TIME SCORE?

THIS IS WHAT I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, RENE.

NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE HELPED
SOME BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE,

BUT I AM PREPARED
TO WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN.

THANK YOU, COLONEL.

BUT THE COLONEL SAYS
YOU HAVE GOT TO PROMISE

TO STOP HELPING
THE RESISTANCE.

OF COURSE, COLONEL.

NOW, WILL YOU PROMISE ME
ON YOUR HONOR?

WELL COLONEL,
YOU MUST UNDERSTAND,

I'M IN BUSINESS,

SOME OF THE RESISTANCE
MIGHT BE CUSTOMERS--

WITHOUT MY KNOWING,
OF COURSE.

DO NOT BE DEVIOUS, RENE,
PROMISE ME ON YOUR HONOR.

- WELL...
- ON YOUR HONOR AS A FRENCHMAN.

WELL THAT IS DIFFERENT--
YOU HAVE MY WORD.

GOOD.
YOU MAY BUY US A DRINK.

RENE, THE MOST
DREADFUL THING HAPPENED.

THERE IS A ROW OF SAUSAGES
IN THE KITCHEN.

WHAT IS SO DREADFUL
ABOUT THAT?

SOMEBODY HAS REMOVED ONE.

THE ONE WITH THE LITTLE
SWASTIKA ON IT.

THE ONE WITH THE LITTLE
SWASTIKA ON IT?

THAT BELONGS TO HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO--

IT IS HIS PERSONAL SAUSAGE,
IT IS THE ONE CONTAINING

THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,
ROLLED UP.

DO NOT GET CONFUSED, HANS.
IT CONTAINS ONLY THE FORGERY.

THE REAL ONE IS STILL SAFE
IN MY CELLAR.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
HAVE SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

WHAT IF HERR FLICK
ASKS FOR IT BACK?

- TELL HIM IT HAS BEEN NICKED.
- HE WILL HAVE ME SHOT.

NO, HE WILL NOT.
I AM THE COMMANDANT HERE.

HERR FLICK HAS NO AUTHORITY
TO HAVE YOU SHOT.

HE WILL HAVE TO ASK
THE COLONEL

AND HE WILL HAVE YOU SHOT.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL
MUCH BETTER.

RENE, RENE!

RENE, YOUR WIFE IS TRYING
TO ATTRACT YOUR ATTENTION.

TAKE NO NOTICE,

IT WILL NOT BE
ANYTHING IMPORTANT.

IT MAY BE
VERY IMPORTANT--

SHE MAY WISH
TO SING ANOTHER SONG.

RENE, GO AT ONCE!

WHAT IS IT?

THAT GRANDFATHER CLOCK
IN THE BACK ROOM NEEDS WINDING.

WE HAVE NO
GRANDFATHER CLOCK.

IT IS CODE--
DO YOU NEVER READ YOUR CODE BOOK?

IT MEANS THE RESISTANCE
IS IN THE BACK ROOM.

OH HECK.

RENE, THAT ENGLISH IDIOT
WHO THINKS HE CAN SPEAK FRENCH

IS OUTSIDE.

GOOD MOANING.

IT IS NOT MOANING
IT IS EVENING.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE
WASHES TO TICK TO YOU.

SHE HAS HAD A NURSTY
OCCIDENT BY FAILING

OFF A DRAINPOOP.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW THE CODE BOOK,

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

CARRY HER THIS WEE.

AND DO NOT LET HER DRIP.

SHE HAS STROONED
HER BACK

AND HAS ALSO
A COMPOST FRICTURE OF THE LEFT LOG.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL WHISPER THIS
ONLY ONCE

BECAUSE I AM
IN GREAT PAIN.

HER LOG IS IN
PLISTER OF PORRIDGE.

MY GOD,
WHAT DID SHE LAND IN?

I HAVE A PLAN TO GET RID
OF THE BRITISH AIRMAN,

BY AIR.

NOT THE BALLOON AGAIN?

IN THE MUSEUM
IS AN EXACT REPLICA

OF THE PLANE USED
BY PIERRE LACONTE

TO CROSS THE CHANNEL
IN 1910.

PIERRE LACONTE?
I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

THINK BACK,
YOU MUST HAVE DONE.

IT WAS NOT IN THE PAPER.

HE ENDEAVORED TO CROSS
THE CHANNEL BEFORE BLERIOT--

HE CRASHED.

BUT THE PLANE
IS STILL AIRWORTHY,

EXCEPT THAT THERE
IS NO ENGINE.

WHAT GOOD IS IT
WITHOUT AN ENGINE?

THE ENGINE OF A LAWN MOWER
WOULD GIVE SUFFICIENT POWER.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

STEAL THE PLANE,

FIND A MOTOR
AND CONTACT ME,

IN BED THREE, WARD SEVEN,
NOUVION GENERAL HOSPITAL.

SHE HAS PISSED OUT.

WHAT BRAVERY.

WHAT FARTITUDE.

YOU'D BETTER GET HER OUT
BEFORE ANYTHING WORSE HAPPENS.

AND DO NOT DRIP HER--
DROP HER!

SHE IS READY FOR YOUR
INSPECTION, HERR FLICK.

GOOD.

IT IS VERY GENEROUS OF YOU,
HERR FLICK, TO BUY ME A SUIT

OUT OF THE PARTY FUNDS.

I HAD NO ALTERNATIVE.

I COULD NOT TAKE YOU
TO THE GESTAPO CLUB

LOOKING ANY OLD HOW.

NOW, LET ME SEE.

THE SHOULDERS ARE GOOD
BUT THE LAPELS ARE NOT GOOD.

THE WAIST IS GOOD,

BUT THE SLEEVES
ARE NOT GOOD.

I THINK THE SKIRT
IS EXCELLENT.

I DO NOT AGREE.

HOW ABOUT THE HAT?

APPROVED.

HERR TAILOR,
YOU WILL DO BETTER

OR SOMETHING NASTY
WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.

YES, HERR FLICK.

( gasps )

I AM SORRY TO INTERRUPT
IF YOU ARE IN THE MIDST

OF AN INTERROGATION.

Herr Flick:
AVERT YOUR EYES, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I HAVE IMPORTANT NEWS.

HELGA, RETIRE BEHIND THE SCREEN
AND RECLOTHE YOURSELF.

YES, HERR FLICK.

THE RESISTANCE HAVE KIDNAPPED
YOUR KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE

AND ARE DEMANDING A RANSOM
FOR ITS RETURN.

WHY SHOULD I PAY A RANSOM
FOR A KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE?

IT APPEARS THAT THE SAUSAGE
CONTAINS A VALUABLE PAINTING

WHICH, YOU NO DOUBT,
WERE KEEPING SAFE FOR HITLER.

THAT IS CORRECT--
WHEN DID YOU LEARN OF THIS?

I RECEIVED THE INFORMATION
AT 11:00 THIS MORNING.

THAT WAS FOUR HOURS AGO--

WHY DID YOU TAKE SO LONG
TO INFORM ME?

THE MESSAGE WAS WRAPPED AROUND
A BRICK AND THROWN AT MY HEAD.

I HAVE JUST REGAINED
CONSCIOUSNESS.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

IT'S NOT AS BAD
AS IT LOOKS.

THE THEFT OF MY SAUSAGE
IS SERIOUS.

THEY ARE DEMANDING
800,000 FRANCS.

IF YOU DO NOT PAY UP
THEY WILL DELIVER IT TO YOU

TWO INCHES AT A TIME.

- HELGA!
- YES, HERR FLICK.

YOUR COLONEL IS IN CHARGE
OF SECURITY.

TELL HIM THAT IF THE PAINTING
IS NOT RECOVERED

HE IS TO BURN DOWN THE TOWN--

EXCEPT FOR THIS BUILDING.

YES, HERR FLICK.

HERR FLICK, I HAVE A SMALL
BUT COMFORTABLE APARTMENT

OVER THE BAKERY--

COULD YOU PERHAPS MAKE SOME
SPECIAL RECOMMENDATION ABOUT IT?

YES...

SELL THE TOASTER
AND DO NOT PAY THE RENT.

- ( cane tapping )
- EDITH, YVETTE,

MARIA!
( groans )

WHY DOES NOBODY PAY ATTENTION
TO AN OLD WOMAN

WHEN SHE IS BANGING?

WHAT IS THE MATTER, MAMMA?

WE ARE BUSY DOWNSTAIRS,
WE HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN.

I AM GOING MAD.

WHY DO I KEEP SEEING
STRANGERS IN MY BED?

DO NOT WORRY, MAMMA,
THERE ARE STRANGERS IN YOUR BED.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

( screams )

DO NOT BE AFRAID, MAMMA,
IT IS THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

AIRMEN?

WHY ARE THEY DRESSED LIKE

TWO DECREPIT OLD BATS?

BECAUSE IF THE GERMANS
SEARCH THE PLACE,

THEY WILL NOT SUSPECT
TWO OLD LADIES IN YOUR BED.

IT SEEMS
VERY STRANGE TO ME.

IT IS STRANGE EVEN TO ME,
AND I AM A FRENCHMAN.

GO TO SLEEP.

THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS
SITUATION, RENE.

IF WE DO NOT
RECOVER THE SAUSAGE,

I WILL BE COMPELLED
TO BURN DOWN THE TOWN.

HE WILL BE OBEYING ORDERS.
WE ALL HAVE TO OBEY ORDERS.

IT IS VERY SIMPLE.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO
IS TO GIVE TO HERR FLICK

YOUR SAUSAGE CONTAINING
THE REAL PAINTING.

TELL HIM YOU HAVE GOT IT BACK
FROM THE RESISTANCE.

RENE, IT IS MY PENSION.

- OUR PENSIONS.
- ALL OUR PENSIONS.

YOU KNOW THESE RESISTANCE
PEOPLE, RENE.

YOU MUST EXPLAIN TO THEM
AND GET IT BACK,

OTHERWISE THEY WILL HAVE
THEIR LOVELY TOWN BURNT DOWN.

COLONEL, I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU,

THE RUMOR IS THAT YOU ARE NOT
DEALING WITH ANY OLD RESISTANCE.

THIS IS THE
COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

( gasps )
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

THE PARTY FUNDS ARE LOW,

THEY NEED THE MONEY
TO BUY EXPLOSIVES

TO BLOW UP YOUR TANKS
AND TRAINS AND THINGS.

IT IS ALL
IN A GOOD CAUSE.

SHUT UP.

COLONEL, I HAVE A PLAN.

HELGA HAS A PLAN.

WHY DO WE NOT GIVE THEM
THE MONEY

AND AS SOON AS IT IS
HANDED IT OVER

AMBUSH THEM
AND TAKE IT BACK?

THIS SOUNDS VERY RISKY.

BUT COLONEL,
YOU HAVE AT YOUR DISPOSAL

A WHOLE REGIMENT
OF GERMAN TROOPS.

BUT IF WE TURN UP TO HAND
THE MONEY OVER

WITH A WHOLE REGIMENT
OF GERMAN TROOPS,

WOULD NOT THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE BECOME SUSPICIOUS?

OF COURSE THEY WOULD.

THAT WAS A STUPID
SUGGESTION, HANS.

EVERY TIME I MAKE A SUGGESTION
YOU SHOOT ME DOWN.

YOU ARE DESTROYING
MY CONFIDENCE.

( sniffs )
I FEEL THIS BIG.

I AM LIKE A WORM--

USELESS, WORTHLESS!

HAVE YOU FINISHED?

YES, BUT I AM VERY HURT.

HELGA, FORGIVE ME FOR ASKING
THIS QUESTION BUT,

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET
THE MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE?

WE CAN USE DUMMY MONEY.

IF YOU USE DUMMY MONEY
THEY WILL SHOOT YOU ON THE SPOT.

YES, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO COMES UP WITH STUPID SUGGESTIONS.

THAT ONE WAS
A REAL STINKER.

- COLONEL--
- ( Hans laughs )

IN THE SAFE IN YOUR OFFICE
YOU HAVE THE MONEY

FOR THE WAGES
FOR THE TROOPS.

WE HAVE TO PAY THEM
ON FRIDAY.

WHAT IF WE DO NOT
GET IT BACK?

WE COULD GIVE THEM
ALL I.O.U.'s.

TWO, ONE.

RENE, IT IS YOUR TOWN
THEY ARE GOING TO BURN DOWN,

YOU FIND THE MONEY.

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND
800,000 FRANCS?

HAVE A COLLECTION.

I COULD SING
AT ALL THE CAFES.

THEY WOULD PAY YOU
HUSH MONEY.

( door bell rings )

Rene:
OH MY GOD.

IT IS I, LECLERC.

I HAVE RECEIVED A MESSAGE

FROM THE RESISTANCE.

HANG ON,
THERE MAYBE A REPLY.

NOT BLOODY LIKELY.

PAY THE MONEY TOMORROW,
MIDDAY,

OR SAUSAGE WILL BE SLICED.

ARRANGEMENTS TO FOLLOW.

OH MY GOD,
IF THEY CUT INTO THE SAUSAGE

HERR FLICK WILL MAKE YOU
BURN DOWN THE TOWN.

EVERYTHING FOR WHICH
I HAVE WORKED AND SLAVED

ALL THESE YEARS
WILL BE GONE.

WHAT?

COLONEL, I AM DESPERATE.

WHAT IS TO STOP ME
FROM GIVING TO HERR FLICK

THE PAINTING IN MY CELLAR?

A BULLET FROM THIS.

BE REASONABLE,
COLONEL.

WHERE AM I GOING TO GET
800,000 FRANCS

BY MIDDAY TOMORROW?

ROB A BANK.

HOW CAN I ROB A BANK?
EVERYBODY KNOWS ME.

YOU COULD WEAR ONE OF
MY STOCKINGS OVER YOUR FACE.

AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO SEE THROUGH

30 DENIER LOCK-KNIT
LISLE THREAD?

YOU CAN SEE THROUGH
HELGA'S STOCKING--

I EXPECT!

BUT THE BANKS HAVE GUARDS!
I WILL BE SHOT

AND I WILL FINISH UP
IN THE MORTUARY.

THE MORTUARY!
OF COURSE--

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
THE RICH UNDERTAKER.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

HE HAS MONEY,
LOTS OF MONEY.

IT IS HIDDEN
IN HIS MATTRESS.

THEN OUR PROBLEM IS SOLVED.

YOUR WIFE WILL BORROW THE MONEY,
WE WILL PAY FOR THE SAUSAGE,

THE COLONEL WILL
LAY AN AMBUSH

AND ARREST
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

AND WE WILL
RECOVER THE RANSOM.

THERE IS ALWAYS A SIMPLE
SOLUTION, IS THERE NOT?

GOOD! INFORM US AS SOON
AS YOU KNOW THE MEETING PLACE.

COME ON, HANS.

YOU HAVE TO HAND IT
TO THESE GERMANS,

THEY ARE WONDERFUL
AT ORGANIZATION.

WHAT IS SO WONDERFUL--

WE HAVE TO DO THE ORGANIZING,
WE HAVE TO GET THE MONEY.

- ( door bell rings )
- RENE...

I HAVE A MESSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.

SHE SAYS IF YOU STEAL
THE MOTOR MOWER ON THURSDAY

AND THE AIRPLANE
ON FRIDAY,

THEN THE AIRMEN
CAN LEAVE ON SATURDAY.

I THINK MICHELLE HAS
A CONCUSSION.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE?

SHE'S UPSTAIRS
PREPARING HERSELF IN ALL HER FINERY

FOR HER DINNER
WITH MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

OH RENE,

WHY DO YOU NOT PERSUADE HER
TO MARRY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

THEN I COULD
BE WITH YOU FOREVER,

LOVING YOU--

KISSING YOU--

HOLDING YOU.

OH, I AM SO WILD
ABOUT YOU

I FIND IT HARD
TO CONTROL MYSELF.

SO I SEE--

YOU CAN HAVE A QUICK CUDDLE
BEFORE SHE COMES DOWN.

RIGHT, TIME'S UP.
GET THE NAPKINS.

YOU, YOU ANIMAL, YOU.

( growls )

RENE...

IN A MOMENT YOUR WIFE
WILL BE DOWN.

LIFT ME IN YOUR
STRONG ARMS,

EMBRACE ME,
PRESS YOUR BODY TO MY BODY,

CRUSH YOUR LIPS
TO MY LIPS,

BURY YOUR FACE
IN MY NECK,

RUFFLE MY HAIR.

( chimes sound )

YOU HAVE JUST FAILED
TO BEAT THE CLOCK.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS HERE.

MARIA, THE SOUP.
YOU, PUT THE NAPKINS DOWN AND COME WITH ME.

AH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE RESTAURANT.

MONSIEUR RENE, I WAS BURYING
THE WIDOW BALANQUETTE

WHEN I RECEIVED
THE INVITATION.

I DROPPED EVERYTHING.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

MADAME EDITH--

I FEEL LIKE A MAN
20 YEARS YOUNGER.

SO DOES SHE,
BUT WE NEED HIS MONEY.

I HAVE ARRANGED FOR US
A LITTLE DINNER FOR TWO

IN THE PRIVATE ROOM
IN THE BACK.

ALONE?

BUT WHAT ABOUT
MONSIEUR RENE,

THE HERO OF THE RESISTANCE?

I AM GOING TO BE HEROIC
BEHIND THE BAR.

BUT OUR MEETING
CONCERNS THE RESISTANCE.

WE FEEL IT IS TIME
YOU JOINED OUR RANKS.

TO KILL AND TO DIE
FOR FRANCE,

IS THE DEAREST WISH
OF ANY FRENCHMAN.

THEN YOU SHOULD BE
EASILY SATISFIED.

STEP THIS WAY PLEASE.

MARIA-- THE SOUP.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A ROLL
WITH YOUR REPAST?

- THANK YOU.
- ( pounding )

THAT WILL DO GIRL,
YOU MAY LEAVE US.

ALLOW ME, MADAME...

TO FILL YOUR BOWL
AS I WOULD WISH TO FILL YOUR LIFE.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
YOU ARE SUCH A GENTLEMAN.

I ENDEAVOR ALWAYS
TO BE REFINED, MADAME,

IN MY THOUGHTS,
MY WORDS,

AND MY DEEDS.

( slurping )

DELICIOUS.

HAVE YOU SEEN
THE PEPPER?

YES, THE NEWS IS TERRIBLE
IS IT NOT?

I WAS REFERRING
TO THE PEPPER FOR THE SOUP.

IT IS ON THE SIDE TABLE.

OF COURSE.

ONE TWIST, OR TWO?

TWO.

IT IS OLD,
BUT IT STILL GRINDS.

AND NOW, MADAME,

TO WHAT DO I OWE THE HONOR
OF THIS DELIGHTFUL DINNER?

( slurping )

MY FIANCE, RENE,

LIVES A LIFE
OF CONSTANT DANGER.

ANY MOMENT HE MAY
FALL OFF HIS PERCH.

PERISH THE THOUGHT,
MADAME.

THERE MUST BE SOMEONE
WHO WILL DO WHAT HE HAS BEEN DOING.

( coughs )
MADAME--

I TREMBLE WITH EXCITEMENT
AND ANTICIPATION.

IN THE RESISTANCE.

OH.

THIS ALSO I WILL DO.

JUST CALL ME
WHEN I AM NEEDED.

YOU ARE NEEDED NOW.

( stammering )

- IN THE RESISTANCE?
- SHH!

JUST TELL ME, MADAME,

HOW A WEAK, SHORTSIGHTED,
SLIGHTLY CRIPPLED OLD MAN

WITH A DICKY TICKER,

CAN HELP YOU?

AND YOU WILL RECEIVE
MY FULLEST COOPERATION.

WE NEED FUNDS.

MONEY.

OF COURSE.

THE RESISTANCE DO NOT
TAKE CHECKS.

PARDON MY STUPIDITY,
OF COURSE.

I HAVE MY WALLET--

- JUST NAME THE FIGURE.
- IT IS A LOT.

NO SACRIFICE WILL BE
TOO GREAT.

800,000 FRANCS.

( gagging )

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
KEEP BREATHING,

KEEP BREATHING.

DO YOU THINK SHE
IS GOING TO GET THE MONEY?

SHE IS CERTAINLY
EARNING IT.

HANS, ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS THE RIGHT BRIDGE?

YES, COLONEL,
THIS IS DEFINITELY THE PLACE.

RENE SHOULD BE HERE
WITH THE MONEY AT MIDDAY.

IS THE SECRET CAMERA
OPERATING CORRECTLY?

I WILL DEMONSTRATE, COLONEL.

- ( hoots )
- ( camera clicks )

DO YOU THINK ANYONE
WILL SUSPECT AN OWL

WITH A THREE SECOND EXPOSURE?

ONLY ANOTHER OWL, COLONEL.

KEEP STILL, HANS,

TREES DON'T WIGGLE
UP AND DOWN.

I'M SORRY, COLONEL,

I AM HAVING A PROBLEM
WITH A SQUIRREL.

I THINK HE IS LOOKING
FOR SOME NUTS.

MY AMBUSH TROOPS SHOULD BE
TAKING UP POSITION BY NOW.

I CANNOT SEE THEM, COLONEL.

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T, HANS,

THEY ARE DISGUISED IN A MANNER
THAT WILL NOT AROUSE SUSPICION.

LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT...

LEFT, RIGHT...

IT IS ALL RIGHT, HERR FLICK,
THE COAST IS CLEAR.

DO YOU THINK WE ARE SAFE
FROM DETECTION?

DEFINITELY--

NO ONE WILL SUSPECT US
DRESSED IN THE MANNER OF GIRLS

OF THE RESISTANCE.

CAN YOU SEE
THE RENDEZVOUS, HERR FLICK?

I AM OBSERVING THROUGH
MY POWERFUL BINOCULARS.

ANYTHING TO REPORT?

AN OWL HAS JUST RAISED
ITS FEATHERS

TO REVEAL A 35 MM. LEICA
BETWEEN ITS LEGS.

PERHAPS IT IS
THE MATING SEASON.

( shutter clicks )

PUT IT AWAY, HANS.

I CAN SEE THE AMBUSH,

THEY'RE IN POSITION.

NOW, WHERE IS RENE
WITH THE MONEY?

HE'S LATE.

MAYBE HE WAS ARRESTED
BY THE TROOPS AT THE ROADBLOCK.

YOU UNDERESTIMATE ME, HANS.

I HAVE EQUIPPED HIM
WITH A DISGUISE

THAT WILL ENABLE HIM TO PASS
FREELY THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE.

LEFT, RIGHT,
LEFT, RIGHT.

( shouting orders )

SHUT UP!

CAN YOU NEVER
UNDERPLAY ANYTHING!?

THERE IS THE BRIDGE.

THAT'S WHERE WE ARE TO MEET
THE GIRLS OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

THERE IS THE BRIDGE
OVER THERE.

THAT IS WHERE WE ARE TO MEET
RENE THE CAFE OWNER'S PARTY.

THEY WILL BE DISGUISED
AS GERMANS.

GERMANS!

HALT!

THERE IS THE BRIDGE.

TO THE LEFT YOU WILL BE
OBSERVING THE GIRLS

OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

THEY WILL BE IN POSSESSION
OF THE SAUSAGE.

BEYOND THE BRIDGE YOU WILL SEE
THE CAFE OWNER AND HIS PARTY

DISGUISED AS GERMAN SOLDIERS.

THEY WILL BE IN POSSESSION
OF THE RANSOM MONEY.

EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING
ACCORDING TO PLAN.

♪ I'M NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT ♪

♪ NOT MUCH TO SEE ♪

♪ JUST GLAD I'M LIVING ♪

♪ AND LUCKY TO BE ♪

♪ BUT I'VE GOT A SOMEONE ♪

♪ WHO'S CRAZY FOR ME ♪

♪ I'M FUNNY THAT WAY. ♪

HALT THERE.

DO YOU HAVE THE MONEY?

YES, WE HAVE THE MONEY.
DO YOU HAVE THE SAUSAGE?

IT IS HERE.

BRING THE MONEY FORWARD.

PLACE IT ON THE GROUND.

RETIRE 10 PACES.

WHEN WE HAVE CHECKED
THE MONEY,

THEN YOU WILL GET
THE SAUSAGE.

WHAT?

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

THIS IS VERY SUSPICIOUS.

ERIC, KURT-- SIT!

THESE COMMUNISTS,
THEY TRUST NOBODY.

IT IS ALL THERE.

DO NOT WORRY,
WE WILL GET IT BACK WHEN THE COLONEL'S TROOPS ARRIVE.

WHERE ARE THEY?

IN A MOMENT THEY WILL ARRIVE
AT THE RENDEZVOUS,

RECOVER THE MONEY,
AND RETURN IT TO US.

IT IS CORRECT.

CHECK IT AGAIN
IF YOU LIKE.

WHERE HAVE THEY GOT TO?

HERE IS YOUR SAUSAGE.

- ( barking )
- ERIC!

ERIC, COME HERE,
YOU NAUGHTY BOY.

COME HERE WITH THAT SAUSAGE!

WHAT?

IT IS A TRAP.
QUICKLY, INTO THE WOODS.

A DOG HAS JUST APPREHENDED
THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE,

ARREST HIM.

THREE RESISTANCE GIRLS
ARE ESCAPING,

WE WILL PURSUE THEM.

HANS, OUR PENSIONS-- QUICK!

Rene:
COME BACK, DOG!

COME BACK, YOU STUPID DOG!

( theme music playing )