'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Sausage in the Wardrobe - full transcript

( theme music playing )

OH!

OH!

ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE
CURIOUS TO KNOW

WHY I AM LOOKING
THROUGH THIS KEYHOLE?

IN THAT ROOM
IS MADAME LENARE

OF THE BRIDES
PARISIAN BOUTIQUE,

WHICH IS
A VERY GRAND NAME

FOR ONE ROOM
ABOVE THE IRONMONGER.

MY WIFE EDITH IS STILL
DETERMINED TO MARRY ME,

SO MADAME LENARE IS SHOWING HER
SOME LITTLE ITEMS OF LINGERIE



FOR OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

THE REASON I WAS LOOKING
THROUGH THE KEYHOLE

IS BECAUSE
MADAME LENARE HERSELF

IS MODELING
A TRANSPARENT NIGHTGOWN,

AND SHE IS
VERY WELL ARRANGED.

THE DAY OF THE WEDDING
HAS NOT YET BEEN FIXED.

AND SO, I AM A FREE MAN,

UNLESS OF COURSE,
I AM ARRESTED BY THE COLONEL

FOR STEALING THE SAUSAGE

CONTAINING
THE PRICELESS PAINTING,

THE TITLE OF WHICH,
YOU KNOW FULL WELL,

BUT I WILL JUST
REMIND MYSELF OF IT.

MY GOD,

VAN CLOMP WOULD
HAVE RUN OUT OF PAINT.



THE PRICELESS PAINTING
ITSELF

IS, EVEN AS I SPEAK, ON ITS WAY
TO THE CHATEAU, WITH MARIA,

FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER
TO COPY IT

BECAUSE HE HAS
ARTISTIC LEANINGS.

IN FACT,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER

IS A VERY LONG WAY
FROM THE PERPENDICULAR.

RENE,

I HAVE BEEN SELECTING
FOR OUR WEDDING NIGHT

SOME LOVELY SURPRISES.

MADAME LENARE HAS
SOME BEAUTIFUL THINGS

UNDER THE COUNTER.

SHE HAD SOME
PRETTY GOOD THINGS ABOVE THE COUNTER.

RENE,

SOMETHING TERRIBLE
HAS HAPPENED.

I FOLLOWED MARIA
AS YOU TOLD ME.

SHE HAS BEEN ARRESTED

BY THE PERSONAL GUARD
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

MY GOD.

WHAT WILL
HAPPEN TO HER?

SHE HAS NOTHING
TO BE AFRAID OF,

SHE IS JUST
A SLIP OF A GIRL.

NOT SUCH A SLIP.

CONCEALED AMONG HER BOSOM

IS THE KNOCKWURST
BELONGING TO THE COLONEL,

CONTAINING THE REAL PAINTING.

IF THEY TORTURE HER,

SHE MAY REVEAL
ALL OUR SECRETS.

MY GOD.

MY HAT, MY COAT.

MY BRAVE RENE,

HE IS GOING
TO RESCUE HER.

ARE YOU MAD?

I AM GOING TO STAY
WITH MY COUSIN IN BORDEAUX.

HE HAS A LOFT.

I CAN HIDE IN IT
UNTIL THE END OF THE WAR.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE,
YOU COWARD.

HOW DARE YOU
THINK OF LEAVING?

IS THIS HOW YOU WANT
TO BE REMEMBERED?

I DO NOT WISH TO BE
REMEMBERED AT ALL.

TELL THEM YOU HAVE
NEVER HEARD OF ME.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

E-- AH!

UNTIL YOU COME
TO YOUR SENSES.

RENE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

MY WIFE WAS JUST
PROPOSING TO ME.

- COGNAC.
- COGNACS, YVETTE.

RENE, HERE.

WE HAVE HAD NEWS
FROM HELGA

THAT HERR FLICK IS
LOOKING FOR HIS SAUSAGE.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER
HAS BEEN SENT TO GET IT.

YOU DID NOT TELL GRUBER
WHERE IT WAS, DID YOU?

HE THREATENED
TO TAKE AWAY MY LIVELIHOOD

BY DRIVING A TANK
THROUGH MY CAFE.

THREATENED TO DRIVE A TANK
THROUGH YOUR CAFE?

THE GERMAN SWINE!

BUT YOU HELD OUT?

HE THREATENED TO SHOOT
MY DEAR WIFE,

THAT WAS WHEN I CRACKED.

OH, RENE.

SO YOU GAVE IT
TO HIM?

I DID NOT ACTUALLY
GIVE IT TO HIM.

I SENT IT
TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER

SO HE COULD COPY IT
AND GIVE IT BACK TO YOU.

THE COPY WILL GO
TO HERR FLICK,

AND THEN WE ARE ALL
IN THE CLEAR.

AND GRUBER WILL WANT
A PIECE OF THE ACTION.

THERE IS ONE SNAG,
COLONEL.

THE SAUSAGE WAS SENT
WITH MARIA,

WHO HAS JUST BEEN
CAPTURED BY GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

SHE HAD THE SAUSAGE
STRAPPED ACROSS HER BOSOM.

ANY MINUTE NOW HE MAY
GET HIS HANDS ON IT.

IF MARIA CRACKS
UNDER THE INTERROGATION,

THE GENERAL WILL
ARREST RENE.

AND IF HE CRACKS
UNDER INTERROGATION,

HE WILL REVEAL THAT

YOU GAVE HIM
THE PAINTING TO HIDE

AND YOU WILL BE
ON THE CARPET.

- DEAD.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE WILL SHOOT RENE NOW,
AND STOP THE ROT.

THANK YOU, EDITH.

IF YOU SHOOT RENE,

THEN ALSO YOU WILL
HAVE TO SHOOT ME.

COULD YOU
SHOOT HER FIRST?

SHE IS CAUSING
A LOT OF TROUBLE.

( knocking )

ENTER.

THE FRENCH GIRL
IS OUTSIDE.

ARE YOU READY
TO INTERVIEW HER?

YES. DOES SHE GIVE
ANY EXPLANATION FOR HER PRESENCE?

SHE SAID SHE CAME TO SEE
LIEUTENANT GRUBER, YOUR A.D.C.

BRING HER IN,
AND SEND FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

YES, HERR GENERAL.

IN HERE!

YOU MAY GO!

YOU ARE TREMBLING.

DO NOT BE
AFRAID OF ME,

I AM NOT A MONSTER.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

( spitting )
MARIA RECAMIER.

YOU WERE FOUND SNOOPING
AROUND THE GROUNDS OF MY HEADQUARTERS.

WHAT WERE YOU
DOING THERE?

GENERAL, I HAD A RENDEZVOUS
WITH LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

A MOST UNLIKELY STORY,

BUT WE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO VERIFY THIS.

I HAVE SENT FOR HIM.

YOU HAVE
VERY SMALL FEET.

YES, GENERAL.

HARDLY BIG ENOUGH

TO SUPPORT
THE REST OF YOU.

TAKE OFF YOUR COAT
AND YOUR HAT.

I AM COLD,

I WOULD RATHER
REMAIN AS I AM.

DO NOT DEFY ME, GIRL,
OR THINGS WILL NOT GO WELL FOR YOU.

I AM RELUCTANT.

GET THEM OFF! DO YOU HEAR ME?
GET THEM OFF!

GRUBER!

SHALL I COME
BACK LATER?

COME IN
AND SHUT THE DOOR.

THIS GIRL TELLS ME
THAT SHE CAME TO SEE YOU.

DID YOU ORDER A GIRL?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO OWN UP.

IT IS WARTIME
AND WE ARE THE CONQUERORS.

WE ALL HAVE OUR NEEDS.

HE ORDERED THIS.

I SEE.

THERE REALLY IS
NOTHING STRAIGHTFORWARD ABOUT YOU, GRUBER, IS THERE?

NO, YOU MISUNDERSTAND,
GENERAL.

NO, IT--

IT WAS NECESSARY
FOR HER

TO CONCEAL THE KNOCKWURST
IN THIS FASHION,

IN CASE THE HUNGRY
FRENCH PEASANTS

FELL UPON HER
AND DEVOURED IT.

YOU WERE, OF COURSE,
GOING TO PRESENT IT TO ME,

KNOWING MY TASTE
FOR SUCH THINGS,

AND HOPING, NO DOUBT,
TO INGRATIATE YOURSELF WITH ME?

YOU HAVE
GOT IT IN ONE.

GIVE IT TO ME, GIRL.

SHALL I TAKE IT,
AND HANG IT FOR YOU IN THE KITCHEN?

NO, YOU WILL NOT.

MY, MY, IT IS A WHOPPER.

IT HAS ON IT
A LITTLE SWASTIKA.

WHAT A THOUGHTFUL TOUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO WITH IT?

THE KITCHEN STAFF
ARE WORSE THAN RATS,

THEY EAT EVERYTHING.

I SHALL HANG IT
IN MY WARDROBE TO MATURE.

YOU MAY GO, GRUBER.

WHAT ABOUT THE GIRL?

DO YOU HAVE A USE FOR HER?

NOTHING I CAN
THINK OF, NO.

HMM, IT OCCURS TO ME
THAT SOME FRENCH PEASANTS

HAVE STOLEN THE MOTOR
OF MY MOWER.

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT WHEN
THE MOTOR IS RETURNED,

I WILL RELEASE THE GIRL.

GO INTO THE BEDROOM.

YOU MAY LIE DOWN THERE.

NO, NOT ON THE BED.
ON THE MAT.

( sobbing )
LONG LIVE FRANCE.

DO NOT PUSH YOUR LUCK.

EDITH, YVETTE, MA--

OH, ANYONE.

HOW MUCH LONGER
MUST I WAIT HERE?

I AM HERE, MAMMA.
I AM HERE.

I HAVE BEEN SELECTING
SOME LOVELY THINGS

FOR MY WEDDING NIGHT.

FOR YOUR WEDDING
TO MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

NO, MAMMA.

I AM GOING TO MARRY RENE.

RENE? NO, NO, EDITH.

COME HERE, COME HERE.

SIT DOWN.

NOW,
( clears throat )

DO NOT DO THIS THING.

HE IS A NO-GOOD BUM.

BUT MAMMA, I LOVE HIM.

AND HE IS HIDING
WE KNOW NOT WHERE.

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO
IS LOOKING FOR HIM.

GESTAPO!
( spits )

( radio alarm buzzing )

OH, THE KNOBS,

THE KNOBS,
THE FLASHING KNOBS.

- WHAT?
- AH!

WHAT IS THIS OLD BAT

DOING IN MY BED?

( old lady voice )
THIS OLD BAT

IS HIDING
FROM THE GESTAPO.

GESTAPO!
( spits )

RENE.

THE WIRELESS.

TELL THEM NIGHTHAWK
HAS MIGRATED.

YOU HAVE THE LIVER
OF A LILY.

I WILL GET
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO HELP.

- HELLO!
- HELLO!

WIRELESS!

THE THING'S GOING.

GRAB THE OTHER END,
CARSTAIRS.

ROGER.

AH!

Male voice:
'Allo Nighthawk, 'allo Nighthawk.

Are the airmen
with you, over?

YES, THEY ARE BOTH
HERE BESIDE ME, OVER.

I have here
their commanding officer.

Put them on the line.
Over.

HERE.

OH.

HELLO,

FAIRFAX HERE.

Male voice #2:
Hello, Fairfax.

Wing Commander
Hargreaves here.

IT'S RANDY HARGREAVES!
HELLO, SIR.

- HELLO!
- Hello.

Is there any chance
of you two getting back?

We're getting a bit
short of pilots.

THE RESISTANCE ARE
PLANNING TO FIND

AN OLD CRATE
FROM THE MUSEUM.

THEY'RE GOING TO
PUT A MOTOR MOWER ENGINE IN IT.

A motor mower engine?

Is it reliable?

IT DROVE A BATH CHAIR
TO THE HAT SHOP YESTERDAY.

How far?

I SUPPOSE A COUPLE
OF HUNDRED YARDS.

We won't count
on you then.

Good luck.
Over and out.

OH.

EDITH, THE POLICE
ARE HERE.

THE POLICE?
THE POLICE.

BACK, BACK.
IN THERE.

NO, EDITH--
EDITH!

IT IS NOT
THE REAL POLICE,

IT IS THAT ENGLISH IDIOT
WHO THINKS HE CAN SPEAK FRENCH.

OH.

GOOD MOANING.

I HAVE COME TO ARROST
YOUR MITHER.

ARREST HER MOTHER, WHY?

WHAT HAS SHE DONE?

SHE HAS BEEN PISSING
FUDGED BANK NOTES IN THE HIT SHOP.

WHAT DOES
CRABTREE SAY?

I THINK HE MEANS,

"SHE HAS BEEN PASSING
FORGED BANK NOTES IN THE HAT SHOP."

PRESOSELY.

( old lady voice )
EDITH, REMIND HIM

HE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE ON OUR SIDE.

WHO IS THE UGLY OLD BOG
IN THE BED BESIDE YOUR MITHER?

I HAVE BEEN ASKING

THE SAME QUESTION.

IT IS I,

RENE.

MY GID, THAT WAS
A GOD DISGEESE.

I WAS COMPLETELY DECEIVED
BY THE WOG.

EDITH...

GIVE HIM 500 FRANCS
FROM THE TILL

AND TELL HIM TO PASS OFF.

THERE IS NO NEED
TO BE RODE.

( projector noise )

AH, YES.

THIS WAS TAKEN LAST YEAR
AT THE GESTAPO HOLIDAY CAMP.

SEE? THEY ALL WEAR

BLACK LEATHER
BATHING SHORTS.

SOME OF THEM FIT VERY WELL.

HERE WE ARE
DOING THE LEAPFROG.

OH DEAR,

HOW AMUSING,

WE HAVE ALL FALLEN OVER
INTO A GREAT BIG HEAP.

NOW, WE ARE STRUGGLING
TO UNTANGLE OURSELVES.

NOW WE ARE JUMPING IN
THE ICY WATERS OF THE LAKE.

IT'S JUST AS WELL.

HERE WE ARE
DOING THE EXERCISES.

WHY ARE SOME OF YOU
WEARING SKIRTS?

THE ONES WEARING SKIRTS
ARE GIRLS.

I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD GIRLS IN THE GESTAPO.

WHO DO YOU THINK TYPES
THE THREATENING LETTERS?

- ( phone rings )
- WHY IS MY PHONE RINGING?

ANSWER IT.

WHY IS
THIS PHONE RINGING?

WHY DO YOU NOT
READ YOUR INSTRUCTIONS?

HERR FLICK HAS
HIS CALLS HELD TILL 5:00.

YOU THOUGHT IT SAID WHAT?

IT MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.

SOMEONE HAS
WRITTEN IT DOWN INCORRECTLY.

HE THOUGHT IT SAID 4:00.

IT'S VERY URGENT.

FLICK.

YES, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I SEE.

YOU HAVE DONE WELL.

I WILL DEAL
WITH THE MATTER.

VON SMALLHAUSEN
HAS DISCOVERED

THAT THE SAUSAGE CONTAINING
THE PAINTING

IS HANGING IN THE WARDROBE
OF THE DRESSING ROOM

OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

OH, DEAR.

WHAT DO WE DO?

WHAT IF HE HAS IT
FOR BREAKFAST?

WE MUST SUBSTITUTE
A REAL KNOCKWURST

FOR THE KNOCKWURST
CONTAINING THE PAINTING.

BUT HERR FLICK,

HOW DO WE GAIN ACCESS
TO THE GENERAL'S QUARTERS

WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION?

THERE ARE,
IN THE CHATEAU,

MANY SECRET PASSAGES.

IF THE ATTENTION
OF THE GENERAL

IS DIVERTED BY A WOMAN
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

IN WHOM HE HAS--

ALREADY EXPRESSED
AN INTEREST,

I WOULD HAVE TIME
TO EFFECT THE SWITCH.

AND WHERE WOULD WE
FIND SUCH A WOMAN?

THE GENERAL HAS
ALREADY INDICATED TO ME

THAT HE CONSIDERS YOU
A GREAT PIECE OF CRACKLING.

DO YOU THINK
I COULD PULL IT OFF?

YOU HAVE READ
MY THOUGHTS.

YOU WILL ENTER
HIS QUARTERS.

YOU WILL TAKE
THE GRAMOPHONE.

YOU WILL WIND IT UP,
AND DO A TEASING DANCE,

PULLING OFF
VARIOUS OUTER GARMENTS.

THIS WILL ATTRACT
HIS ATTENTION

FOR TWO AND A HALF MINUTES.

WILL IT WORK?

IT ALWAYS WORKED WITH ME.

( singing off-key )
♪ IT'S A LONG, LONG WAY ♪

♪ TO TIPPERARY, ♪

♪ BUT MY HEART'S ♪

♪ RIGHT THERE. ♪

COLONEL--

A LITTLE BIT OF CHEESE
HAS DROPPED INSIDE MY EAR HOLE.

WHAT SHALL I DO?

TRY BANGING YOUR HEAD
ON THE TABLE.

THE DEAR CAPTAIN,

HOW HE LOVES
MY SINGING.

( singing in Italian )

OH HECK.

( attempts high note, coughs )

PSST.

IT IS I, LECLERC.

MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES,

EVERY ONE THE SAME.

( bad Italian accent )
I AM AN OLD ITALIANO ORGAN-GRINDER.

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN,

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING
THE MONKEY.

I HAVE THE BAD NEWS.

MARIA IS THE HOSTAGE.

THEY WILL NOT GIVE HER BACK
TILL WE RETURN

THE MOTOR FROM THE MOWER.

WE MUST RESCUE HER.

AND THE SAUSAGE.

THE KNOCKWURST THAT WAS
ROUND HER KNOCKERS

IS IN THE WARDROBE
OF THE GENERAL.

COULD WE NOT
TRAIN THE MONKEY

TO CLIMB THE WALL,
GO IN THROUGH THE WINDOW

AND STEAL THE SAUSAGE?

HA HA HA.

HE HAS BEEN
ON THE ORGAN 10 YEARS;

HE CAN'T EVEN
TURN THE HANDLE.

GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
KEEP YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND.

( singing in Italian )

RENE,

MICHELLE WISHES
TO SEE YOU IN THE BACK ROOM.

LOOK AFTER THE BAR.

WHERE IS SHE?

I AM HERE.

( sighing )
OH.

LISTEN VERY
CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

GOOD, THIS POSITION
IS KILLING ME.

TONIGHT, THERE
IS NO MOON.

HERE ARE THE FINAL DETAILS
OF THE PLAN TO ENABLE YOU

- TO STEAL THE AIRPLANE
FROM THE MUSEUM. - WHAT?

WE CANNOT DO THIS.

MARIA IS IN THE HANDS OF
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN?

- YES.
- YES.

THAT RUTHLESS FIEND.

HE DEMANDS THE RETURN
OF HIS MOTOR,

IN EXCHANGE
FOR HER FREEDOM.

BUT WITHOUT
THE MOTOR,

THE PLANE
CANNOT FLY.

SO WE ARE UP THE CREEK
WITHOUT A PADDLE.

RENE AND I
WILL RESCUE HER.

YOU SPEAK
FOR YOURSELF.

I HAVE A PLAN.

I KNOW ALL
THE SECRET PASSAGES

AT THE CHATEAU.

I WORKED AS A SERVING MAID
WHEN I WAS A GIRL.

THAT WAS SO LONG AGO

THEY COULD HAVE
COLLAPSED BY NOW.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS NEWS,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

VERY SERIOUS.

HANS, YOU HAVE BEEN
TO STAFF COLLEGE.

HOW DO YOU GET
A SAUSAGE OUT OF A WARDROBE--

-- IN A GENERAL'S
DRESSING ROOM?

HMM,

I THINK I MUST HAVE BEEN
AWAY THAT DAY.

COLONEL,

THE MARQUIS
WHO CONSTRUCTED THE CHATEAU,

BUILT INTO IT
MANY SECRET PASSAGES

IN WHICH RUNAWAY
PRIESTS USED TO HIDE.

WHO WAS CHASING THEM?

MOSTLY THE MARQUIS.

I READ ABOUT IT
IN THE CHATEAU LIBRARY.

THERE IS ALSO A MAP.

ONE SUCH PASSAGE LEADS
TO THE GENERAL'S DRESSING ROOM.

NOW WE ARE
GETTING THERE.

YOU, HANS, CAN CREEP
DOWN THIS PASSAGE

AND GRAB THE SAUSAGE.

BUT HE WILL SEE
IT HAS GONE.

GOOD POINT.

YES, I THOUGHT SO TOO.

I HAVE A VERY CLEAR
ANALYTICAL MIND, YOU KNOW.

IT'S STILL THERE.
I CAN--

YOU WILL PUT
ANOTHER SAUSAGE IN ITS PLACE.

ANOTHER SAUSAGE?

BUT, WHAT IF THE GENERAL
COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM

WHILE I AM DOING THIS?

I HAVE IT.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER
CAN OCCUPY

THE ATTENTION
OF THE GENERAL.

I DO NOT QUITE SEE
HOW I COULD DO THIS.

YOU WILL FIND IT EASY.

YOU HAVE AN ENGAGING,
SPARKLING, PERSONALITY,

A ROGUISH SMILE.

WHAT GERMAN GENERAL COULD
RESIST YOU AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING,

WITH A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY
IN YOUR PAJAMAS?

I-- I LEARNED THAT
AT THE STAFF COLLEGE.

VERY WELL.
I WILL DO IT.

- GOOD.
- GOOD.

Edith:
SO, WHILE I AM LEADING RENE THROUGH THE SECRET PASSAGES

TO SWITCH THE SAUSAGES
IN THE WARDROBE

IN THE DRESSING ROOM,

YOU, YVETTE, WILL ENTER
THE CHATEAU DISGUISED AS A SERVING MAID.

( thuds )

YOU WILL--

YOU WILL GO
TO THE BEDROOM OF THE GENERAL

WITH A HOT WATER
BOTTLE.

YOU WILL GIVE MARIA
THIS NOTE

TELLING HER
OF A SECRET ENTRANCE

INSIDE THE WARDROBE
IN THE BEDROOM.

YOU WILL THEN
DISTRACT HIM FOR TWO MINUTES.

SHE CAN
MAKE HER ESCAPE,

AND RENE CAN
GET THE SAUSAGE.

A MORE HAREBRAINED SCHEME

I HAVE NEVER
IN MY LIFE HEARD.

BUT HOW DO I
DISTRACT THE GENERAL?

SHALL I TAKE
THE FLYING HELMET AND THE WET CELERY?

NO, YOU ARE A SERVING MAID.

MAKE DO WITH A FEATHER DUSTER
AND A TIN OF RONOC.

( owl hoots )

ARE YOU LISTENING?
I WISH A SNACK.

SEND UP SOME
SMOKED SALMON,

CAVIAR,

COLD CHICKEN,

STRUDEL,

AND A BOTTLE
OF CHAMPAGNE ON ICE.

IS THAT CLEAR?

LET IT BE DONE.

GENERAL,

PLEASE, MAY I RETURN
TO MY HOME NOW?

CERTAINLY NOT.

YOU ARE MY HOSTAGE;
YOU WILL REMAIN HERE.

BUT, I AM
A CIVILIZED PERSON.

I WILL ALLOW YOU
TO SHARE IN MY SNACK.

I WILL NEVER EAT
WITH AN ENEMY OF FRANCE.

THE NIGHT IS YOUNG,
WE SHALL SEE.

GET BACK ON THE MAT.

YOU MUST STAY CLOSE.

THESE PASSAGES ARE VERY
COMPLICATED.

FOR THE SAKE
OF HEAVEN, EDITH, I--

EDITH?

( door creaks eerily )

RENE?

RENE, WHERE ARE YOU?

( knocking )

IF YOU DO NOT
STAY CLOSE BEHIND ME

YOU WILL GET LOST.

WHERE ARE WE NOW?

THIS IS THE GREAT HALL.

WHEN I WAS A SERVING GIRL,
I USED TO POLISH IT.

WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE?

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
IN THE BEDROOM.

IT IS A SHORTCUT.

WHOEVER HEARD OF A SHORTCUT
IN A SECRET PASSAGE?

( loud thump )

- SOMEBODY IS COMING.
- WHAT?

THEY HAVE GONE.

WE ARE GOING
TO GET CAUGHT.

I KNOW IT, WE ARE
GOING TO GET CAUGHT.

PANSY!

LISTEN, AT THE HEAD
OF THE STAIRS

IS THE ENTRANCE
TO ANOTHER SECRET PASSAGE,

WHICH LEADS
TO THE GENERAL'S DRESSING ROOM.

FOLLOW ME.

( footsteps echoing )

SHH!
MIND MY POLISH.

HANS,
WHERE ARE WE?

IN THE CELLARS.

I KNOW THAT!

WHEREABOUTS
IN THE CELLARS?

YOU HAVE GRUBER'S
PLAN OF THE CHATEAU.

IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHETHER
THAT IS THE NORTH,

OR WHETHER THAT
IS THE NORTH.

HAVE YOU GOT
A COMPASS?

I HAVE ONE
ON MY SWISS ARMY KNIFE,

HANG ON. HERE WE ARE.

THAT IS THE NORTH.

IN THAT CASE, WE ARE
GOING THE WRONG WAY.

QUICK, THERE'S
SOMEBODY COMING.

AARGHH!

WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GAH!

HANS, YOU FOOL!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU ARE KNOCKING OUT
OUR OWN PEOPLE.

IT WAS A GOOD SHOT,
WASN'T IT?

QUICK!

( metal squeaks )

WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING FOR?

THERE WAS CONCEALED
AROUND HERE A KNOB.

WELL, HURRY UP
AND FIND IT.

YVETTE WILL
BE DOING HER PIECE IN THREE MINUTES.

( metal screeches )

SHHH!

SOMEBODY
APPROACHES.

QUICKLY, HIDE!

THERE IS NO ROOM,
GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

EDITH, YOU DID
NOT TELL ME

THIS PLACE
WAS HAUNTED.

A SUIT OF ARMOR
WITH A LIMP,

HAS JUST WALKED PAST.

LOOK OUT! SOMEBODY
ELSE IS COMING.

( creaking )

- WHO IS THERE?
- YOUR REFRESHMENTS.

A MOMENT.
COME HERE.

IT IS NOT SEEMLY
THAT A GERMAN GENERAL

SHOULD BE SEEN IN A BEDROOM
WITH A FRENCH PEASANT GIRL.

GET IN THE CUPBOARD
AND STAY THERE.

ENTER.

I'M AFRAID THERE WAS
NO CAVIAR, HERR GENERAL.

- NO CAVIAR?!
- I'M SORRY.

INSTEAD I HAVE OBTAINED
SOME COD'S ROE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

OH WELL,
SO BE IT.

SHALL I BRING IT IN?

OF COURSE.

THE COAST IS CLEAR,
COME OUT.

WILL YOU JOIN ME
IN A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE?

ONLY IF YOU PROMISE
TO RELEASE ME.

WE WILL DISCUSS THIS
AFTER DINNER.

WHO IS THERE?

IT IS THE MAID.

A MOMENT.
QUICK, BACK IN THE CUPBOARD.

WHAT SORT OF
A RELATIONSHIP ARE WE GOING TO HAVE,

IF YOU KEEP
THRUSTING ME BACK INTO THE CUPBOARD

EVERY TIME WE ARE
INTERRUPTED?

WHEN THE MAID HAS GONE,
WE WILL BE ALONE.

ENTER!

I HAVE COME TO WARM
YOUR BED, HERR GENERAL.

THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY.

MY BED WILL BE WARMED BY OTHER,
MORE INTERESTING METHODS.

YOU MAY TURN IT DOWN.

YES, HERR GENERAL.

RENE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING UNDER THE BED?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THE COMMODE?

I HAVE COME UP
THE WRONG PASSAGE.

HOW DO WE
GET IN?

I AM LOOKING
FOR THE KNOB.

OWWW!

HOW IS IT I HAVE
NOT SEEN YOU BEFORE?

NORMALLY,
I AM PEELING POTATOES IN THE KITCHEN.

BUT, I CAN ALSO
PEEL OTHER THINGS.

HOW DARE YOU ASSUME
THAT A GERMAN GENERAL

WOULD COMPROMISE HIMSELF
WITH A SERVING GIRL?

( knocking )

WHO IS THERE?

IT IS I, HELGA.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I HAVE FOR YOU A PRESENT
FROM HERR FLICK.

A MOMENT.

I WILL HIDE
IN THE WARDROBE.

NO, NO, NO. IT IS FULL.
UNDER THE BED.

DO NOT ASK!

ENTER.

THE PRESENT.

AM I TO UNDERSTAND
THAT HERR FLICK

HAS SENT TO ME AS A PRESENT
AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING,

A GRAMOPHONE?

NOT ONLY THIS, GENERAL.

HE HAS SENT ME.

( cabaret music playing )

AH, THE WARDROBE!

WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THERE?

HELGA IS DOING
A STRIPTEASE.

WE HAVEN'T GOT
TIME FOR THAT.

HELGA? MOVE OVER.

OH, COLONEL,

I AM ALL STEAMED UP.

GET THE SAUSAGE.

OH, THE SAUSAGE.

AH, HEH, HEH.

- WE'VE GOT TO GO.
- OHHH!

- COME ON.
- OH, COLONEL...

MY GOD! IF HE--
IF HE FINDS ME UNDER HERE,

I AM A DEAD DUCK.

RENE, MY BRAVE RENE,

CRUSH YOUR LIPS
TO MY LIPS

SO WE CAN DIE
IN ONE GRAND EMBRACE.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THE WARDROBE WITH MARIA?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

WHAT DO YOU THINK
I AM DOING

IN THE WARDROBE
WITH MARIA?

SHE HAS FAINTED
WITH COLD FEAR.

I AM REVIVING HER
WITH THE HEAT FROM MY BODY.

JUST YOU WAIT
TILL I GET YOU HOME!

FOLLOW ME.

♪ SOMEDAY I'LL FIND YOU ♪

♪ CREEP UP BEHIND YOU. ♪

( music slowly winds down )

OH DEAR, IS THERE...

ANYTHING I CAN DO?

YES, WIND THE GRAMOPHONE.

AND IF YOU DON'T FANCY
THE ONE BY THE BED,

THERE'S A SPARE
IN THE WARDROBE.

( theme music playing )