'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Gateau from the Chateau - full transcript

( theme music playing )

YOU SEE IN ME,

A VERY HAPPY MAN.

THAT BALLOON CONTAINS

THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN,

WHO HAVE BEEN
HIDING IN MY CAFE.

A FAVORABLE WIND
IS EVEN NOW

WAFTING THEM

GENTLY BACK TO ENGLAND.

NOW THAT THEY HAVE GONE,

THE RESISTANCE CANNOT
BLACKMAIL ME INTO HIDING THEM.



AND THE GERMANS
CANNOT SHOOT ME,

FOR THE SAME REASON.

ALL THAT I
HAVE TO DO NOW

IS TO GET MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

WHO IS IN A COFFIN
IN THAT HEARSE,

BACK HOME
AND INTO HER OWN BED.

I CAN THEN GET BACK TO MAKING
AS MUCH MONEY AS POSSIBLE

OUT OF THE GERMANS.

Maria:
OH, RENE,

YOU ARE A HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE.

Yvette:
THE WHOLE VILLAGE WILL BE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

I WAS JUST DOING

MY DUTY FOR FRANCE.

Michelle:
RENE, YOU MUST HURRY BACK.



GET ON THE RADIO
TO LONDON,

AND TELL THEM
THE BALLOON IS ON ITS WAY.

( Mamma yells )

EDITH! MARIA?

WILL NOBODY COME
TO MY ASSISTANCE?

WHAT IS THAT MATTER,
MAMMA?

EDITH,

HOW MUCH LONGER

HAVE I TO WAIT TO GO

TO THE BATHROOO-OOOM?

OOH!

Michelle:
SHOOTING HAS BEEN REPORTED FROM BEHIND THE WOODS.

IT WILL BE THE ARMY
ON THEIR MANEUVERS.

LET US GET BACK,
WHILE THEY ARE BUSY PLAYING AT SOLDIERS.

- OHHH.
- SHUT UP!

( distant gunfire )

HANS,
WHAT IS THAT SHOOTING?

OH, IT IS COMING
FROM DOWN THE ROAD.

QUICK!

KEEP SHOOTING.

THAT BALLOON MUST BE
BROUGHT DOWN.

KEEP PUMPING
THE BLOWLAMPS, CARSTAIRS.

THEY CAN PROBABLY
SEE THE LIGHT.

SHOULDN'T WE
TURN THEM OUT?

IF WE DO THAT,
WE'LL COME DOWN, YOU ASS.

OH, YES-- HADN'T
THOUGHT OF THAT.

GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THAT BALLOON,
IT MUST BE BROUGHT DOWN.

FIRE AT IT!

( empty guns click )

- ( knocking on tank )
- YOU IN THERE,

- LIEUTENANT GRUBER!
- WHO? ME?

SHOOT YOUR GUN
AT THAT BALLOON.

YES, GENERAL,

BUT I THINK I
OUGHT TO EXPLAIN--

DO NOT ARGUE,
FIRE!

( guns firing )

WHY ARE YOU
NOT HITTING IT?

BECAUSE MY LITTLE SHELLS
ARE BLANK.

WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING
WITH BLANKS?

THEY WERE
FOR THE MANEUVERS.

THAT'S ALL I HAD.

I'M SURROUNDED
BY IDIOTS.

HEADS WILL ROLL
FOR THIS.

( bullets whizzing )

THAT WAS
A BIT CLOSE.

DO YOU THINK
WE OUGHT TO SURRENDER?

GOOD IDEA.

Both:
WE SURRENDER!

( bullet ricochets )

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE
IN THE RIGHT MOOD FOR A CHAT.

KEEP PUMPING.
WE MIGHT GAIN A BIT OF HEIGHT.

OOOH, I'M STIFF
WITH THE COLD.

INTO BED,
MAMMA,

AND I WILL
BRING YOU

A NICE HOT
WATER BOTTLE.

YOU COULD F--
FILL IT WITH GIN.

YOU SHALL
HAVE A GIN, MAMMA.

NOW THAT THE AIRMEN
HAVE GONE,

WE CAN ALL
RETURN TO NORMAL.

- ( radio buzzing )
- QUICK, THE BED.

AAAGH!

WILL THESE
FLASHING BEDKNOBS

NEVER CEASE?

WHY CANNOT YOU PUT

THE RADIO SOMEWHERE ELSE?

- SHUT UP!
- BUT WE ARE NOT

EXPECTING A MESSAGE
FROM LONDON.

PERHAPS THEY HAVE
HEARD OF MY EXPLOITS.

MAYBE IT IS
GENERAL DE GAULLE, CALLING TO GIVE ME A MEDAL.

Man:
Hello, hello, are you receiving me? Over.

'ALLO, 'ALLO,
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK,

RECEIVING YOU,
LOUD AND CLEAR.

PUT THE GENERAL
ON THE LINE, WILL YOU?

We have urgent message:
Red Riding Hood

must not go
to the woods.

GET THE CODE BOOK--
LOOK IT UP.

Red Riding Hood
must not go to--

ALL RIGHT,
WE'VE HEARD YOU.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

DO NOT RELEASE
THE AIRMEN!

OH, HECK.

'ALLO, 'ALLO,
RED RIDING HOOD

HAS ALREADY GONE
TO THE WOODS.

ANY MINUTE NOW SHE WILL BE
KNOCKING ON THE COTTAGE DOOR.

The wind is
giving us problems.

ALSO, IT IS
GIVING ME A PROBLEM.

SHUT UP,
YOU OLD RATBAG!

IT IS TOO LATE,
THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO.

THE AIRMEN HAVE GONE,
AND I AM GLAD TO SEE THE BACK OF THEM.

OVER AND OUT.

I THINK
WE SHOULD ALL SAY

A LITTLE PRAYER
FOR THE AIRMEN.

COME.

DEAR LORD,

PLEASE GIVE TO
THE BRITISH AIRMEN

A SAFE LANDING
WHEREVER THEY MAY BE.

AMEN.

- HELLO.
- HELLO!

OH MY GOD.

WHEN GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN ARRIVES,

LET US KNOW
IMMEDIATELY.

WE MUST NOT
KEEP HIM WAITING,

- WE DO NOT WANT
TO MAKE HIM CROSS. - YES, COLONEL.

NOW REMEMBER, HANS,

WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON,

YOU UNDERSTAND?

PERFECTLY.

WHAT HAS BEEN
GOING ON?

WELL, WE'VE BEEN STEALING
PRICELESS PAINTINGS;

WE PINCHED THAT CLOCK,

THE OLDEST CUCKOO CLOCK
IN EXISTENCE;

THEN THERE WAS THE BLOWING UP
OF THE RAILWAY LINE,

HELPING BRITISH AIRMEN
TO ESCAPE.

ALL THESE THINGS
CAN AFFECT OUR CAREERS

VERY BADLY.

I WILL SAY THAT I KNOW
NOTHING OF THESE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE DONE.

YOU HAVE DONE THEM, TOO!

I WAS OBEYING ORDERS,
YOUR ORDERS.

YOU ALWAYS USE THAT
AS AN EXCUSE.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE CUCKOO CLOCK?

I WAS VERY CLEVER
ABOUT THAT.

I EXPECT YOU THINK

I HAD THAT BUST
MADE OF MYSELF OUT OF VANITY?

IT DID CROSS MY MIND, YES.

AND THEN I THOUGHT
IT WAS SO LIFELIKE, THAT IT COULD NOT BE VANITY.

HANS, THAT BUST CONCEALS

THE PRICELESS
CUCKOO CLOCK,

WHICH I WILL SELL
AFTER THE WAR.

I WONDERED WHY

THERE WAS A KEY
IN YOUR EARHOLE.

WILL IT STILL WORK
AFTER ALL THIS TIME IN YOUR CONCRETE HEAD?

THE MECHANISM IS
IN PERFECT ORDER.

( ticking )

HANS, YOU FOOL!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

YOU'RE RIGHT,
IT DOES WORK. IT IS TICKING.

IF VON KLINKERHOFFEN
HEARS MY HEAD TICKING,

HE WILL THINK I AM A BOMB.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS HERE.

( cuckoos )

Colonel:
OH, NO, DO SOMETHING.

DON'T LET HIM IN.
DON'T LET HIM IN!

DON'T LET HIM IN!

- DON'T LET HIM IN!
- DO SOMETHING!

( gears whirring )

( spring pops )

I HAVE SHUT IT UP.

PUT IT BACK
ON THE DESK.

TELL THE GENERAL
TO COME IN.

SHOW THE GENERAL IN.

GENERAL ERICH
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

- HEIL HITLER!
- Colonel: HEIL HITLER!

KLOP.

WHY DO YOU
KEEP ME WAITING?

MY ASSISTANT
WAS MAKING SURE

THE OFFICE WAS TIDY,
GENERAL.

THE COLONEL'S HEAD
HAD FALLEN DOWN.

I SEE.

General:
I TAKE IT THIS WAS DONE BEFORE THE PLASTIC SURGERY.

HERR OTTO FLICK,

OFFICER
OF THE GESTAPO.

I BELIEVE YOU
REQUESTED MY PRESENCE?

I DID NOT--
I SENT FOR YOU. BE SEATED.

IT HAS COME
TO MY ATTENTION

THAT THERE IS MUCH
RESISTANCE ACTIVITY IN THIS AREA.

I AM, THEREFORE,
TAKING PERSONAL COMMAND OF THE DISTRICT.

THAT'S VERY GOOD NEWS,
GENERAL.

WE ARE QUITE CHUFFED.

PRICELESS WORKS OF ART
HAVE BEEN STOLEN.

RAILWAY LINES AND STAFF CARS
HAVE BEEN BLOWN UP.

UNAUTHORIZED BALLOONS
HAVE BEEN OBSERVED.

AN ARMORED CAR
HAS BEEN STOLEN--

ALL THESE INCIDENTS
SERVE TO ENCOURAGE

OTHER RESISTANCE GROUPS
IN OTHER AREAS.

THEY THINK THEY CAN
DEFY US WITH IMPUNITY. IT MUST STOP!

WE QUITE AGREE,
GENERAL.

IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

WE HAVE TRIED TO BE KIND.

THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE IT.

IT DOES NOT WORK!

VERY LITTLE INFORMATION

REGARDING THESE
UNRULY ELEMENTS

HAVE BEEN RECEIVED FROM
OUR INTELLIGENCE SOURCES.

IN OTHER DISTRICTS,
GOOD LEADS HAVE BEEN OBTAINED

FROM PLACES TO WHICH
THE PEOPLE HAVE FREE ACCESS,

SUCH AS BARS,
RESTAURANTS, CAFES.

FURTHERMORE,

AMOROUS LIAISONS

WITH LOCAL WOMEN
PAY GOOD DIVIDENDS.

WE HAVE TRIED THIS,
GENERAL.

TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

WITH THE WAITRESSES
IN THE CAFE.

- DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING NEW?
- ONE OR TWO THINGS, YES.

- BUT NOTHING REALLY IMPORTANT.
- I AM NOT SURPRISED.

THE SENIOR POSTS
IN THE UNDERGROUND MOVEMENT

ARE USUALLY HELD
BY OLDER WOMEN.

IS THIS NOT SO,
HERR FLICK?

AGREED.

THERE IS, IN FACT,
AN OLDER WOMAN

IN THE CAFE THE COLONEL
IS REFERRING TO.

I HAVE, FOR A LONG TIME,

HAD MY SUSPICIONS
ABOUT HER.

THEN AN OFFICER
MUST BE FOUND

WHO IS ATTRACTED
TO OLDER WOMEN,

WHO CAN WORM HIS WAY
INTO THEIR CONFIDENCE.

I THINK YOU HAVE
A SUGGESTION, HERR FLICK?

MY INVESTIGATIONS REVEAL

THAT COLONEL VON STROHM
IS SUCH A PERSON.

IF I MAY SAY SO,

YOU ARE MISTAKEN,
HERR FLICK.

HIS PREVIOUS SUCCESSES

WITH SENIOR WOMEN INCLUDE...

A LADY HAIRSTYLIST
IN AMIENS.

NOT CLAUDETTE'S MOTHER?

IT WAS EARLY CLOSING DAY--

AND IT WAS RAINING.

IN YPRES,
A CINEMA USHERETTE.

- THE REGAL?
- THE ROXY.

OH, WAS THAT
THE ONE WITH THE--

--THE ICE CREAM TRAY?

FROM THE CANALS,

A LADY BARGE CAPTAIN.

THE BIG ONE
WITH THE FLAT BOTTOM?

THE LITTLE ONE
WITH THE BIG FUNNEL.

THERE SEEMS NO DOUBT
YOU ARE THE IDEAL AGENT FOR THIS OPERATION.

YOU WILL, THEREFORE,
PAY ATTENTION TO THIS LADY,

AND, IF POSSIBLE,
MAKE HER YOUR MISTRESS.

GENERAL, HOW CAN I PUT IT?

I DON'T FANCY HER.

COLONEL,

HOW CAN I PUT IT?

HOW DO YOU FANCY
THE RUSSIAN FRONT?

SHE'S A GOOD COOK.

YES, I'D FORGOTTEN THAT.

GOOD, LET IT BE DONE.

HEIL HITLER.

- HEIL HITLER.
- KLOP.

( sighs )

YVETTE,

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

I WAS TRYING TO GET ONE
IN THE TOP POCKET,

AND AT THE SAME TIME,
SCREW DOWN THE TABLE.

WHY DID YOU NOT
WAIT FOR ME?

OOOH, RENE, KISS ME.

YVETTE, WE MUST
BE CAREFUL.

MY WIFE HAS EARS
LIKE A BAT.

SHE MIGHT
BE SUSPICIOUS IF SHE DOES NOT

HEAR THE SOUND
OF A GAME GOING ON.

WHILE YOU KISS ME,

I WILL MAKE THE BALLS
GO CLICK IN THE POCKET.

OH, YVETTE.

OOOH, RENE.

OOOH!

RENE--

WHAT YOU ARE DOING
ON THE BILLIARD TABLE?

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS
WHAT WE WERE DOING

ON THE BILLIARD
TABLE!

A BULB WAS
ON THE BLINK,

YVETTE WAS TRYING
TO SCREW IT IN, TIGHTER.

THEN, WHY HAS SHE
NOT DONE SO?

BECAUSE IT WAS
TOO HOT.

I WAS LYING THERE WAITING
FOR IT TO COOL DOWN.

IF YOU WANTED IT TO COOL DOWN,
WHY DID YOU NOT SWITCH OFF THE LIGHT?

ME?!
ALONE IN THE DARK

WITH ONE
OF OUR SERVING G--

EDITH,
WHAT KIND OF A MAN DO YOU THINK I AM?

OH, RENE,

ALWAYS SO CONSIDERATE.

RENE,

MICHELLE IS HERE,
FROM THE RESISTANCE.

OH HECK.

ARE WE ALONE?

I AM NEVER ALONE.

DID YOU MANAGE
TO HIDE THE AIRMEN IN A SAFE PLACE?

I HAVE CONCEALED THEM
WHERE NO ONE WILL FIND THEM.

SEE?

HELLO!

HELLO!

SORRY THE BALLOON THING
DIDN'T WORK OUT, CHAPS,

BUT DON'T THINK
WE'VE FORGOTTEN YOU.

OH, GOOD SHOW.

BYE-BYE FOR NOW.

NOW LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
HAS TAKEN

PERSONAL CHARGE
OF THE DISTRICT.

HE IS A RUTHLESS BEAST
WITHOUT MERCY OR COMPASSION.

WE CANNOT OPERATE
UNDER HIS CRUEL TYRANNY.

WELL,

WE HAVE HAD A GOOD
RUN FOR OUR MONEY.

I WAS GLAD
I WAS ABLE TO HELP.

WE WILL HAND OVER
THE ENGLISH TO THE GERMANS,

YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR JOB
AT THE POST OFFICE,

AND I CAN GET ON
WITH RUNNING MY CAFE.

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

WE CANNOT OPERATE UNDER
SUCH A RUTHLESS FIEND.

SO...
WE MUST KILL HIM.

BUT HE IS GUARDED
DAY AND NIGHT AT THE CHATEAU.

RENE, YOU COULD
TAKE HIM SOME FOOD,

AND ROUND YOUR WAIST

YOU COULD STRAP DYNAMITE,

AND THEN, WHEN YOU
GOT NEAR ENOUGH,

YOU COULD LIGHT THE FUSE,

AND-- POOF!

HE WOULD BE GONE,
AND YOU WOULD BE BURIED

AS A GREAT HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE.

FIRST, YOU WOULD HAVE
TO SCRAPE ME OFF THE WALLS!

WE WOULD ONLY DO THIS
AS A LAST RESORT.

THAT IS A GREAT RELIEF,
I AM SURE.

BUT A BOMB,

OR A BOOBY-TRAP OF SOME NATURE
MAY BE THE ANSWER.

WE HAVE THE EXPLOSIVES,
WE MUST STAY ALERT.

WHEN THE RIGHT
MOMENT COMES,

WE WILL STRIKE.

GOOD!

COME, GIRLS.

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST BREAK
YOU'VE HAD ON THIS TABLE?

JUST NOW WHEN
MY WIFE SWALLOWED THAT STORY ABOUT THE LIGHT BULB.

COLONEL, I--

WHERE HAS HE GONE?

COLONEL,
I HAVE THE FLOWERS

YOU ORDERED
FOR MADAME EDITH.

ON THE DESK
WITH THEM, HANS.

MY HAIR IS GETTING
VERY THIN ON TOP.

IT'S ALL THIS WORRY.

I'VE COMBED IT ACROSS.

THERE'S A BIT
ON THE OTHER SIDE YOU COULD USE.

WE MUST GET RID
OF THE GENERAL.

I AGREE.
IF HE FINDS OUT ALL THE THINGS

YOU HAVE BEEN UP TO,
YOU ARE FOR THE HIGH JUMP.

YOU ARE IN IT
AS DEEP AS I AM.

SO FAR HE'S
ONLY DISCOVERED

THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

YOU HAVEN'T STOLEN
A WHOLE ICEBERG, HAVE YOU?

HANS, THE LONGER
HE IS HERE,

THE MORE
WE ARE IN DANGER.

HE MUST BE ELIMINATED.

WE NEED EITHER A BOMB,

BULLET OR POISON.

OOOH, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
LIKE THIS BEFORE, COLONEL.

MIND YOU, YOU DID
GO MAD THE OTHER DAY,

WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY
PUT SALT ON YOUR STRUDEL.

STRUDEL!

SOMETHING IN HIS FOOD.

YOU HAVE IT, HANS.

WHAT WE NEED

IS A GOOD, STRONG,

RELIABLE WEED KILLER,

WITH ARSENIC!

WHERE ARE YOU
GOING TO GET THIS?

YOU WILL GET IT TODAY.

- WHERE FROM?
- AT THE CHEMIST'S.

OH, COLONEL,
YOU KNOW HOW I HATE

GOING FOR THINGS
FROM THE CHEMIST'S.

BESIDES,
IT IS CLOSING DAY.

SHOOT THE LOCK OFF.

KICK THE DOOR IN.
TAKE AN AXE.

YOU ARE A GERMAN
OFFICER, HANS,

BEHAVE LIKE ONE!

YES, COLONEL.

AND DON'T COME BACK
WITH A COMB LIKE LAST TIME.

Rene:
YVETTE,

TAKE THIS JUG
INTO HERR FLICK, WILL YOU?

- BUT IT IS ONLY HALF FULL.
- I WILL TOP IT UP.

THEY HAVE
NO NOSE FOR WINE.

- YOUR WINE, HERR FLICK.
- POUR IT.

IT LOOKS VERY PALE.

AHHH,

THIS SUMMER THERE
WERE MANY CLOUDS.

( sneezes )

FOR SOME REASON IT IS
BRINGING ON MY HAY FEVER.

YOU'RE VERY QUIET TONIGHT,
HERR FLICK.

I AM THINKING
DARK THOUGHTS.

I FIND YOU VERY EXCITING
WHEN YOU'RE THINKING DARK THOUGHTS.

IT SEEMS YOU GET EXCITED
AT EVERYTHING, HELGA.

AM I PERMITTED TO KNOW
WHAT YOU ARE THINKING?

I AM THINKING ABOUT
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

HE HAS INTERFERED
WITH GESTAPO AFFAIRS.

HE MUST BE MADE
TO PAY THE PENALTY.

WHAT IS THE PENALTY?

DEATH.

HERR FLICK,
YOU WOULDN'T.

OH, YES, I WOULD.

OH, NO,
YOU WOULDN'T.

OH, YES, I WOULD.

ALREADY I HAVE
SELECTED A METHOD.

YOU ARE PROBABLY
NOT ACQUAINTED

WITH THE KATARI TRIBE
OF WESTERN BORNEO.

NO, I'VE NOT HAD
THE PLEASURE.

THIS IS THE KATARI
DEATH PIPE.

HAVEN'T THEY GOT
BIG ONES?

IN THIS END,
WE INSERT THIS SMALL DART,

THE TIP OF WHICH

IS IMPREGNATED
WITH THE DEADLY EXTRACT

OF A RARE AND ALMOST
EXTINCT BEETLE.

THE SMALLEST PUNCTURE

RESULTS IN
VIOLENT CONVULSIONS,

AND DEATH
WITHIN 10 SECONDS,

UNLESS THE VICTIM
RECEIVES THE ANTIDOTE.

THIS IS THE ANTIDOTE.

THE VENOM IS
ALMOST UNDETECTABLE.

HERR FLICK,

WILL NOT
THE GENERAL'S SUSPICIONS

BE AROUSED WHEN
YOU TAKE THE PIPE FROM THE CANE

AND POINT IT
AT HIM?

AS YOU ARE
DOING AT ME--

AND WOULD YOU
MIND POINTING IT THE OTHER WAY?

THE GESTAPO HAVE
THOUGHT OF THIS.

INSTEAD OF THIS PIPE,

YOU WILL USE

THIS SPECIALLY ADAPTED
CIGARETTE HOLDER,

WHICH FITS THE DART
PERFECTLY,

AND IS EFFECTIVE
AT THREE METERS.

HERR FLICK, SURELY YOU
ARE NOT EXPECTING ME

TO CARRY OUT SUCH
A COLD-BLOODED ACTION?

IT IS FOR US, HELGA.

YOU AND I.

IF VON KLINKERHOFFEN
HAS ME RECALLED TO BERLIN,

I COULD NOT LIVE
WITHOUT YOU.

HERR FLICK,
THIS IS TERRIBLE.

HOW LONG DO I HAVE
TO THINK ABOUT IT?

THREE SECONDS.

( takes deep breath )

I'LL DO IT!

( sings off-key )
♪ IF YOU COULD ONLY ♪

♪ CARE FOR ME-EEE ♪

♪ AS I COULD
CARE FOR YOU... ♪

RENE,

YOU'RE EAVESDROPPING!

THESE GERMANS,
THEY ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE.

WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS ABOUT TO BE RUBBED OUT.

RUBBED OUT?
HOW?

POOF, WITH
A CIGARETTE HOLDER.

AND HE PLAYS THE PIANO
SO BEAUTIFULLY.

NOT HIM!

HELGA.

ANYWAY, THE LESS WE KNOW,
THE BETTER.

HANS, HAVE YOU GOT
THE WEED KILLER?

EVEN BETTER.
THE CHEMIST GAVE ME

A PILL CONTAINING
ALL HIS BEST POISONS.

YOU TAKE IT
WITH A GLASS OF WINE.

ONE DRINK, AND--

ALL IS QUIET
ON THE WESTERN FRONT.

ARE YOU SURE
IT WILL WORK?

YES, I TOLD HIM
IT WAS FOR YOU.

GIVE IT TO ME!

I WILL KEEP IT
TILL WE NEED IT.

YES.

HOW IS THE BIG ROMANCE
WITH MADAME EDITH GOING?

HAVE YOU LOOSED UPON HER
YOUR IRRESISTIBLE CHARM?

YES AND NO.
I HAVE GIVEN HER THE FLOWERS.

THAT'S A GOOD START.

I TOLD HER THEY
WERE FROM YOU.

OH-- WHAT?!

HANS, I AM A COLONEL.

YOU ARE A CAPTAIN.

I GIVE THE ORDERS.

I HAVE DECIDED

THAT YOU WILL WOO
MADAME EDITH.

ANYWAY, YOU DO IT
BETTER THAN I DO.

THOSE GIRLS HAVE
BEEN GOSSIPING.

♪ IF YOU COULD ONLY ♪

♪ CARE FOR ME ♪

♪ AS I COULD CARE ♪

♪ FOR YOO-OU. ♪

SHE'S STOPPED.
APPLAUD.

BRAVO, BRAVO.

THE INCOMPARABLE
MADEMOISELLE EDITH.

COME AND SIT NEXT
TO THE CAPTAIN.

CHAMPAGNE FOR
THE HANDSOME CAPTAIN,

AND THE BEAUTIFUL SINGER.

THE COLONEL
IS DRUNK EARLY THIS EVENING.

SAY SOMETHING
COMPLIMENTARY.

THERE IS NOT
ANOTHER SINGER LIKE YOU

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

HOW GALLANT
THE CAPTAIN IS.

OH, LUCKY ME.

I AM ALL STEAMED UP.

WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES,
YOU ARE EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE.

SO ARE YOU.

WHAT SORT
OF CHAMPAGNE

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO BUY ME?

THE MOST EXPENSIVE?

TREAT YOURSELF, HANS.

YOU ARE GOING
TO DESERVE IT.

I WILL GO
AND GET IT FOR YOU

MYSELF, PERSONALLY.

( Hans chuckles )

WHO'S PAYING
FOR THIS CHAMPAGNE?

GET A RECEIPT.

WE WILL CHARGE IT
TO VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

YOU ARE DOING
VERY WELL, HANS.

I THINK
SHE LIKES YOU.

PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT,

AND YOU
WILL BE UPSTAIRS

BEFORE THE BOTTLE'S
FINISHED.

MAKE IT A MAGNUM.

HE HAS A NAUGHTY
LOOK IN HIS EYE.

I THINK HE IS
AFTER MY FAVORS.

YES, WELL, WHEN YOU
HAND THEM OUT,

REMEMBER THAT WE NEED
PARAFFIN, BUTTER--

SLIGHTLY SALTED,
AND SUGAR.

RENE,

WILL YOU NOT BE
A LITTLE JEALOUS

IF I TAKE HIM UPSTAIRS?

OH, YES, I SHALL
WEEP COPIOUS TEARS,

AND BANG MY HEAD
AGAINST THE WALL,

BUT THIS IS WAR,

AND WE ALSO
NEED CHOCOLATE, AND CIGARETTES--

CORK-TIPPED,

THE OTHERS
MAKE ME COUGH.

AH, CHAMPAGNE
FOR THE CAPTAIN.

Colonel:
I AM SO GLAD THAT AT LAST,

IT HAS ALL COME OUT
INTO THE OPEN.

THE CAPTAIN HAS,
FOR A LONG TIME,

ADMIRED
MADAME EDITH.

AS WE LIE IN
OUR LITTLE BUNKS AT NIGHT,

HE MURMURS
HER NAME.

I EVEN CALLED
MY OLD BICYCLE AFTER YOU.

WHAT A DELIGHT
THE CAPTAIN IS.

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD
TAKE HER UPSTAIRS.

COLONEL! I AM NOT LIKE
THOSE GIRLS BEHIND THE BAR,

WHO GO UPSTAIRS
FOR A FEW LITERS OF PARAFFIN.

I'M VERY GLAD
TO HEAR IT.

NO, SHE WANTS
EIGHT GALLONS,

AND BUTTER--
SLIGHTLY SALTED, SUGAR, CHOCOLATE,

AND CORK-TIPPED CIGAR--
LOOK, EDITH,

WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THIS PENCIL AND PAPER,

IN CASE YOU THINK
OF SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY UP?

RENE, HOW DARE YOU!

THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT
WANT TO BE RUSHED.

PERHAPS
AFTER WE HAVE HAD A LITTLE MORE WINE,

AND I HAVE SUNG YOU
A FEW MORE SONGS...

NO, THE CAPTAIN IS
MUCH KEENER THAN THAT.

MAY I JOIN THIS PARTY?

I, TOO,
HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE.

I HAVE BEEN
APPOINTED A.D.C.

TO GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

CONGRATULATIONS,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

HUBERT.

HE HAS GIVEN ME A NICE ROOM
AT THE BACK OF THE CHATEAU,

VERY PRIVATE.

YOU MUST COME UP
AND SEE IT SOMETIME.

I CANNOT WAIT.

SO YOU WILL BE WORKING
FOR THE GENERAL.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU WILL BE
IN CHARGE OF THE WINE?

MY FIRST DUTY
IS TO ORGANIZE

A BANQUET
AT THE CHATEAU,

TO CELEBRATE
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE KAISER.

THE GENERAL
IS RELATED,

AND RATHER
PROUD OF IT.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
HE'S A BIT OF A SNOB, YOU KNOW.

YOU AND YOUR STAFF
ARE INVITED, COLONEL.

A PARTY?
I LOVE A PARTY.

WILL THERE BE
PLENTY OF WINE?

OF COURSE, OODLES.

THERE WILL BE
A BOAR'S HEAD,

WITH APPLE
IN THE MOUTH,

CHICKENS AND THINGS,
AND, OF COURSE,

THE TRADITIONAL
BLACK FOREST GATEAU

WITH THE CANDLES.

I CAN COOK
THIS FOR YOU,

AND RENE CAN SERVE IT.
CAN YOU NOT, RENE?

WELL, I--

HE COULD
STAND BEHIND

THE GERMAN GENERAL
ALL NIGHT,

UNTIL HE WAS
ALLOWED TO GO OFF.

EDITH, I-- I-- I EXPECT
THE GENERAL WOULD PREFER

OUTSIDE CATERERS
AND HIS OWN STAFF.

ON THE CONTRARY,
THE PEOPLE IN THE TOWN

SEEM RELUCTANT
TO COOPERATE.

THE BOY
IN THE CAKE SHOP WAS MOST OFFHAND.

I WAS ABOUT TO ASK
IF YOU COULD DO IT.

OF COURSE WE COULD.

AND IF RENE HAS A LITTLE
TOO MUCH TO DRINK,

HE COULD STAY THE NIGHT.

WE HAVE LARGE CHAMBERS.

YOU THINK
OF EVERYTHING, LIEUTENANT.

BREAD,

FRESH LOAVES OF BREAD!

OH MY GOD.
EXCUSE ME.

- SHHH!
- I AM AN OLD BREAD SELLER.

BREAD, WHO WILL
BUY MY BREAD.

I HAVE BIG ONES,
SMALL ONES,

SOME AS BIG
AS YOUR HEAD.

- Rene: SHUT UP!
- ( pounds on counter )

AH, PATRON,

YOU ARE RENE ARTOIS?

I AM.

IT IS I, LECLERC.

AMAZING.

SHHH, I HAVE COME

FROM THE RESISTANCE.

MICHELLE SAYS

YOU ARE TO TAKE
THESE SMALL ONES,

ALL OF THEM.

INSIDE IS EACH
A STICK OF DYNAMITE,

TO BLOW UP
THE GENERAL.

THANK YOU,
BREAD SELLER.

IF YOU THINK I AM GOING
TO STRAP THOSE TO MYSELF, AND BLOW MYSELF--

NO, NO, NO.
YOUR WIFE IS TO MAKE

A BLACK FOREST GATEAU,
FOR THE CHATEAU.

A GATEAU
FOR THE CHATEAU?

IN THE GATEAU,
YOU WILL PUT THE DYNAMITE.

ON TOP OF THE GATEAU,

THESE CANDLES.

ONE OF THOSE IS THE FUSE.

UH-HUH, WHICH ONE?

SEE?
THIS ONE.

IT HAS A LITTLE LUMP

ON THE SIDE, THERE,

LIKE A HANDLE.

AH, THE CANDLE
WITH THE HANDLE.

GOOD LUCK,
AND VIVE LA FRANCE.

VIVE DE GAULLE!

WHO?

YOU KNOW, THE TALL ONE
WITH THE BIG HOOTER.

AH, VIVE HIM AND ALL.

BREAD!

WHO WILL BUY
MY BREAD?

LOAVES OF BREAD.

EVERYTHING
ON THE LIST

WILL BE DELIVERED
TOMORROW MORNING.

EDITH, I WILL NEVER
FORGET YOU FOR THIS.

I WILL SEND MARIA
UP TO THE ROOM

WITH A WARMING PAN
TO WARM THE BED.

THERE IS NO NEED,

THE CAPTAIN HAS
GONE HOME.

HE HAD A HEADACHE.

NOW PLACE UPON IT
THE TOP HALF.

GOOD.

NOW WE MUST PLACE
IN THE CENTER

THE CANDLE
WITH THE FUSE.

THIS WILL BURN
FOR 10 SECONDS, ACTIVATE THE DETONATOR,

WHICH WILL THEN
EXPLODE THE DYNAMITE.

WILL IT BE
A BIG BANG?

THE DINING ROOM
OF THE CHATEAU WILL BE DEMOLISHED.

THERE WILL BE GATEAU
AND MEDALS EVERYWHERE.

VON KLINKERHOFFEN
WILL BE NO MORE.

MICHELLE,
I HAVE BEEN THINKING,

COULD WE NOT JUST
DROP A LITTLE HINT

TO THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN?

I KNOW THEY ARE GERMANS,

BUT THEY ARE
VERY GOOD CUSTOMERS.

THE CAPTAIN
GAVE ME FLOWERS.

THEY ARE THE ENEMY.
THIS IS WAR.

THEY ARE
WITHOUT MERCY, WE MUST KILL THEM.

HENRIETTE,

TAKE THE TROLLEY
WITH THE HAMPER.

THE CHICKENS
ARE IN THE HAMPERS.

TAKE THAT
AND THE GATEAU TO THE CHATEAU.

HERE, GIVE THEM
THIS BILL.

TELL THEM IT IS
CASH ON DELIVERY,

SERVICE IS INCLUDED.

WHAT DO I DO THEN?

COME BACK HERE
WITH THE MONEY,

AND RUN THE FIRST
100 YARDS.

( Mamma yelling; banging )

WHAT IS IT, MAMMA?

HOW MUCH LONGER

DO YOU EXPECT
YOUR POOR OLD MOTHER

TO LIVE IN THE LARDER?

IT IS JUST TILL
YOUR ROOM IS REPAIRED.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH THE GORGONZOLA?

I COULD NOT STAND

THE SMELL,

SO I--

ATE IT.

( radio static )

HAVEN'T YOU GOT
THROUGH YET?

I'VE GOT AS FAR
AS THE WIMBLEDON EXCHANGE.

QUITE A CHATTY
OPERATOR, THOUGH.

SHE SAYS CIGARETTES
HAVE GONE UP TO NINE PENCE.

HARDLY WORTH GOING HOME.

Woman: Hello.

HELLO, MUMMY?!

IT'S GAVIN.

Good Lord,

are you in a phone box
at the station?

NO, I'M IN FRANCE.

I CAN'T TALK
ANY LOUDER,

THERE ARE JERRIES
EVERYWHERE.

Jerries everywhere?
Are you in hospital?

NO, I'M WITH
BUMBLY CARSTAIRS.

HELLO!

THAT'S HIM.
WE'RE DOING A BIT OF DECORATING.

Nigel, Nigel,
it's Gavin.

He's in France with Bumbly,
doing some decorating.

HOW ARE YOU
GETTING ON?

Oh, it's absolute hell.

We're having
a bridge party this evening

and cook's
been called up.

NEVER MIND,
SOLDIER ON.

Darling,

do give us
your address

and Daddy will try
and get you out.

HE CAN'T DO THAT,
MUMMY.

Don't be silly, darling,

he's very friendly
with the Duke of Windsor.

NO, I MEAN,

I CAN'T GIVE YOU
OUR ADDRESS,

SOMEONE MIGHT
BE LISTENING.

Operator:
Your time is up.

Will you pay for a further
three minutes?

MUMMY,
COULD I REVERSE THE CHARGES,

JUST THIS ONCE?
YOU SEE--

( radio clicks )

DAMN!
THEY'VE CUT US OFF.

YOU NEVER ASKED
WHO WON THE BOAT RACE?

DAMN!

I KNEW WE CALLED
ABOUT SOMETHING.

IT SEEMS VERY QUIET
WITHOUT THE GERMANS.

IT WON'T BE QUIET
WHEN THEY HEAR THE BANG.

OH, POOR RENE.
ALL THIS EXCITEMENT

HAS GIVEN HIM
ONE OF HIS HEADS.

I WISH THERE WAS
SOME WAY WE COULD

WARN THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN.

WE GET ON QUITE WELL,
YOU KNOW.

WE HAVE A GOOD
WORKING ARRANGEMENT.

YES, AS LONG AS YOU
DO AS HE SAYS,

HE DOESN'T SHOOT YOU.

( piano intro plays )

MY FRIENDS,
LOYAL FRENCHMEN,

TONIGHT,

THE HATED GERMANS
ARE NOT WITH US.

( all applaud )

THEY MAY NEVER
BE WITH US.

WE HAVE, THIS DAY,

CARVED ONE MORE STEP

IN THE STAIRWAY
OF FREEDOM.

SHE HAS BEEN READING
VICTOR HUGO AGAIN.

WE HAVE LIT THE TORCH
TO BANISH THE DARKNESS

OF THE SHADOW WHICH
IS OVER OUR LAND.

ALL SHE DID WAS
BAKE A CAKE.

THERE IS ONLY ONE SONG
A FRENCHMAN MAY SING AT A MOMENT LIKE THIS.

YOU ALL KNOW IT.

"BOOM,

WHY DOES MY HEART
GO BOOM?"

( all singing )
♪ ARISE, YE CHILDREN ♪

♪ OF THE MARSEILLAISE ♪

♪ THE HOUR OF FREEDOM ♪

♪ IS DRAWING NIGH-- ♪
( abrupt switch )

♪ DEUTSCHLAND,
DEUTSCHLAND ♪

♪ UBER ALLES ♪

♪ UBER ALLES
IN DER WELT-- ♪

SILENCE!

OH MY GOD, THEY HAVE
FOUND THE DYNAMITE.

THIS CAFE HAS
BEEN REQUISITIONED

BY THE GERMAN ARMY.

EVERYBODY OUT!

EVERYBODY OUT.
DO WHAT THE COLONEL TELLS YOU.

ARRANGE THE TABLES.

IS SOMETHING
THE MATTER, COLONEL?

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO

HAS LEARNED
THAT THERE IS

A PLOT TO BLOW UP
THE CHATEAU.

NO!

WHO WOULD DO
A TERRIBLE THING LIKE THAT?

THE RESISTANCE.

THESE RESISTANCE PEOPLE,
THEY ARE THE LIMIT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT IT, RENE?

I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU,

OF COURSE, COLONEL.

I AM SURE IT IS
NOTHING PERSONAL.

I EXPECT THEY WERE
TRYING TO GET RID OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

WE'RE ALL TRYING TO GET RID
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

WHAT A SHAME.
AND YOUR NICE PARTY, ALL SPOILED.

ALL IS NOT LOST, RENE.

ON MY RECOMMENDATION,

WE WILL CELEBRATE
THE KAISER'S BIRTHDAY

IN YOUR CAFE.

OH, WHAT AN HONOR.

GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

HEIL HITLER!

HEIL HITLER!

KLOP.

PLEASE--
BE SEATED, HERR GENERAL.

ANYWHERE YOU LIKE.

THIS WILL BE
MY TABLE.

PLEASE,

MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE, HERR GENERAL.

- RENE,
- YES, COLONEL?

WE'VE BEEN GOOD FRIENDS
FOR A LONG TIME.

I WANT YOU
TO DO ME A FAVOR.

- HIDE THIS.
- OF COURSE, COLONEL.

WHAT IS IT?

JUST A PILL.

IT WILL BE SAFE
IN THERE.

COLONEL,
COME AND SIT DOWN.

COMING, GENERAL.

NOT THERE.
THAT SEAT IS RESERVED FOR YOUR ASSISTANT.

- OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- NOT YOU, THE GIRL.

HELGA.

COMING, COLONEL.
OOOH!

YOU HAVE THE DART
IN PLACE?

YES,
HERR FLICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?

YES,
HERR FLICK.

MY HANDS
ARE SHAKING.

WHEN SITTING NEXT
TO A GENERAL,

IT IS QUITE PROPER

THAT A GIRL'S HAND
SHOULD SHAKE.

THAT SEAT IS
RESERVED FOR MY A.D.C., LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

IT WILL BE COMFORTING
TO THINK

THAT HE WILL BE
CLOSE AT HAND,

SHOULD YOU NEED ASSISTANCE.

WHERE IS THE FOOD?
WHERE IS THE WINE?

WE ARE HOTTING UP
THE CHICKENS, HERR GENERAL.

RENE, THE WINE.

AND MAKE SURE
IT IS THE BEST.

YES, GENERAL.

SEE TO THE WINE, HANS,

AND MAKE SURE
THAT YOU LOOK AFTER

THE GENERAL'S WINE--
PERSONALLY.

YES, HERR COLONEL.

RENE, RENE!

THE COLONEL
GAVE YOU A PILL. WHERE IS IT?

I HAVE THE PILL
IN THE TILL.

- WHICH IS
THE WINE FOR THE GENERAL? - IT IS HERE, IN THIS JUG.

THE PILL CONTAINS
A DRUG.

THE PILL
IN THE TILL?

TAKE IT AND PUT IT
IN THERE.

PUT THE DRUG
IN THE JUG?

WE NEARLY FORGOT
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE CELEBRATION.

OH MY GOD!

THE GATEAU
FROM THE CHATEAU!

WHAT ABOUT THE GATEAU
FROM THE CHATEAU.

IT CONTAINS A BOMB.

A BOMB IN THE GATEAU
FROM THE CHATEAU?!

IT IS TO BLOW UP
THE GENERAL.

YOU MUST NOT
LET ANYBODY LIGHT THAT FUSE.

WHERE IS THE FUSE?

IT IS THE CANDLE
WITH THE HANDLE.

BUT RENE,

YOU DO NOT NEED
TO KILL THE GENERAL.

WE HAVE ALREADY ARRANGED
TO KILL THE GENERAL.

DO YOU NOT SEE

IF WE KILL HIM
WITH THE PILL FROM THE TILL,

BY MAKING WITH IT
THE DRUG IN THE JUG,

YOU NEED NOT LIGHT
THE CANDLE WITH THE HANDLE

ON THE GATEAU
FROM THE CHATEAU?

SIMPLE PLOTS ARE
ALWAYS THE BEST.

PUT THE PILL IN THE JUG.

( whimpers )

I WILL TAKE IT.
I WILL TAKE IT.

I DO NOT WANT TO GET IT
MIXED UP WITH THE OTHERS.

HERE WE ARE, GENERAL.

I SAW YOU PUT SOMETHING
IN THE GENERAL'S WINE.

WHAT WAS IT?

ONE OF MY HEADACHE PILLS.

THEY WANTED TO KILL HIM
WITH POISON,

BUT I AM NOT HAVING
THAT SORT OF THING GOING ON IN MY CAFE.

IT IS BAD FOR BUSINESS.

WE WON'T HAVE A BUSINESS
IF THE GATEAU BLOWS UP.

ONE THING AT A TIME.

RENE, THE LITTLE CHICKENS
HAVE BEEN ROASTED

UNDER THE GRILL
AND ARE READY.

THANK YOU.

COME THIS WAY, YVETTE,
WE WILL SERVE THEM.

GENTLEMEN, YOUR HELMETS!

GENTLEMEN, WE ARE HERE
TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTHDAY

OF MY ANCESTOR,

WILHELM VICTOR ALBERT II,

MARGRAVE
OF BRANDENBURG,

BELGRAVE OF NUREMBERG,

BETTER KNOWN TO US ALL
AS THE KAISER!

THEY DID VERY WELL
IN THE STOCKING BUSINESS.

CHARGE YOUR GLASSES.

THIS ONE!

ALLOW ME, GENERAL.

- NO.
- NO, HELGA.

THIS IS SPECIAL WINE
FOR THE GENERAL.

THE KAISER.

All:
THE KAISER.

WHAT TIME DO YOU
MAKE IT, HANS?

- NOT THINKING OF LEAVING,
ARE YOU, COLONEL? - NO, GENERAL.

I WASN'T THINKING
OF LEAVING.

PERHAPS, IT HAS SETTLED
ON THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS.

A TOAST
TO THE KAISER'S WIFE.

MRS. KAISER.

DID THE KAISER
HAVE A DOG?

LET ME REFILL
YOUR GLASS, GENERAL.

OF COURSE.
WHERE IS THE FOOD?

JUST COMING, GENERAL.

GENTLEMEN,

I GIVE YOU

THE SMARTEST REGIMENT
IN THE GERMAN ARMY,

THE 7th PRUSSIAN
INFANTRY.

WHO WANTS WELL DONE?

THE SMARTEST REGIMENT.

All:
THE SMARTEST REGIMENT.

WHERE IS MY CHICKEN?

IT IS A LITTLE HIGHER
THAN THE OTHER ONES,

I WILL GET YOU ANOTHER.

COLONEL?

I AM HIS A.D.C.,
DO YOU NOT THINK

I OUGHT TO TELL HIM?

ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS
YOU LEARN AT MILITARY ACADEMY,

IS NEVER TO TELL A GENERAL

WHEN HE HAS A CHICKEN
ON HIS HEAD.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THE GRAVY GOES DOWN HIS NECK?

THE WINE SHOULD WORK
BEFORE THAT.

HAVE SOME MORE WINE,
GENERAL.

YVETTE, MARIA--

WE NEED A BUCKET OF WATER
AND A BUCKET OF SAND.

WE MUST PUT OUT THAT BOMB
BEFORE IT GOES OFF.

YOU WILL DO
NO SUCH THING.

WHEN THE CANDLE IS LIT,
YOU HAVE ONLY 10 SECONDS TO ESCAPE.

MY RESTAURANT
WILL BE WRECKED!

THE CRATER WHERE IT STOOD
WILL BE A MONUMENT

TO THE BRAVERY
OF THE RESISTANCE.

YOU ARE OUT
OF YOUR TREE.

TO ADOLF HITLER.

All:
ADOLF HITLER.

AND EVA BRAUN.

All:
EVA BRAUN.

AND THEIR
LITTLE DOGGIE.

THERE, NOW THAT WE HAVE
TOASTED THE FUHRER,

YOU MAY ALL SMOKE.

OH MY GOD.
THE POISON DART!

NOT IN MY CAFE.

I SEEMED TO HAVE MISPLACED
MY CIGARETTE HOLDER.

- MUST BE IN THE CHATEAU--
MAY I BORROW YOURS? - WELL--

THERE SEEMS TO BE
A SMALL BLOCKAGE.

( blows )

OH MY GOD, THEY HAVE
GOT THE GESTAPO.

YES, THAT SEEMS
TO HAVE CLEARED IT.

- THE ANTIDOTE, QUICK!
- WHERE IS IT?

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH THAT MAN?

HE HAD THE FISH.

GENERAL,
IT IS MIDNIGHT.

OH, DEAR,
WE ARE BEHIND SCHEDULE. BUT NEVER MIND.

IT IS AT THIS HOUR

THAT OUR BELOVED KAISER
DREW HIS FIRST ROYAL BREATH.

IN ACCORDANCE WITH
THE TRADITIONS OF MY FAMILY,

I WILL NOW
LIGHT THE CANDLES.

- ( woman screams )
- QUICK, THE BUCKETS!

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM.

SIT DOWN.

THE COLONEL
ALSO WANTS TO GO TO THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM.

- NO, I DO NOT.
- YES, YOU DO.

- NO, I DO NOT!
- COLONEL--

YES, I DO!

SIT DOWN!

OPEN THIS DOOR!
OPEN UP!

STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

ON THE COUNT OF 10,
THROW YOURSELVES ON THE FLOOR.

THE CANDLE
WITH THE HANDLE.

THERE,
THEY ARE ALL LIT.

AND NOW, TO COMMEMORATE
THE MOMENT 82 YEARS LATER,

WHEN HE DREW
HIS LAST BREATH,

WE WILL BLOW THEM
ALL OUT AGAIN.

FOR A MOMENT,

I THOUGHT I WAS
GOING TO JOIN THE KAISER.

RENE! THE CANDLE
WITH THE HANDLE IS STILL LIT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE DOING?

I DID THIS--
IN MEMORY OF THE DAY

THAT THE KAISER
WAS BURIED.

THE BURIAL OF THE KAISER.

All:
THE BURIAL OF THE KAISER.

RENE, THAT IS THE JUG
WITH THE DRUG.

AFTER ALL THAT
I'VE BEEN THROUGH,

I COULD DO WITH
A LITTLE ASPIRIN.

( theme music playing )