'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 1, Episode 2 - Pigeon Post - full transcript

( theme music playing )

MY NAME IS RENE.
THIS IS MY CAFE,

BUT AT THE MOMENT MY LIFE
IS ONE BIG PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, I HAVE
TO BE NICE TO THE GERMANS.

THEY ARE MY CUSTOMERS.
THEY ARE WINNING THE WAR.

SO IF I AM NOT NICE TO THEM,
THEY WILL SHOOT ME.

I HAVE TO BE NICE
TO THE RESISTANCE.

OTHERWISE,
THEY WILL SHOOT HIM

FOR BEING NICE
TO THE GERMANS.

I HAVE TO BE NICE
TO MY WIFE,

BECAUSE IF SHE FINDS OUT
I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YVETTE,



SHE WILL SHOOT ME.

AND IF YVETTE FINDS OUT I'M
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MARIA,

WELL, SHE WILL
SHOOT ME TOO.

NOW, OTTO FLICK,
THE GESTAPO OFFICER,

IS HAVING DINNER
IN THE BACK ROOM.

UPSTAIRS ARE TWO GERMAN OFFICERS
IN THEIR UNDERWEAR,

BECAUSE I HAVE BORROWED
THEIR UNIFORMS

TO HELP TWO BRITISH AIRMEN
TO ESCAPE.

THE PIANIST OVER THERE
IS, IN FACT,

A FORGER
FOR THE MARQUIS.

AND THE GERMAN OFFICER
AT THAT TABLE FANCIES ME.

AND IT IS ONLY TUESDAY.

RENE,

THE COLONEL IS GETTING
VERY IMPATIENT.



YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD HAVE
HIS UNIFORM BACK IN 15 MINUTES,

IT IS NOW 45.

TAKE HIS MIND OFF IT,
KEEP HIM AMUSED.

HOW CAN I?
LOOK AT MY CELERY.

MARIA, CAN'T YOU
ENTERTAIN HIM?

HOW CAN I?
MY CELERY ISN'T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOUP.

RENE, HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO

IS PAYING HIS BILL.

- HERR FLICK SAYS HE IS GOING
TO SEARCH THE BUILDING. - WHAT?

HE WILL FIND THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA BY VAN CLOMP IN THE CELLAR.

NO, THE PAINTING
HAS GONE.

BUT SO TOO HAVE THE UNIFORMS
OF THE COLONEL AND YOUR CAPTAIN.

IF THEY FIND
THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN IN THEIR UNDERWEAR,

THIS COULD MAKE
THE GESTAPO SUSPICIOUS.

HELGA, YOU MUST KEEP
HERR FLICK AMUSED.

AMUSING THE GESTAPO
IS VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS.

SURELY YOU CAN
THINK OF SOMETHING?

I HAVE IT.

GIVE ME A LARGE GLASS
OF YOUR STRONGEST BRANDY.

OF COURSE, AT ONCE.

YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES.

MAKE IT FIVE.

WE MUST HIDE
THE GERMAN OFFICERS QUICKLY.

TAKE THEM TO THE ROOM
OF MY MOTHER.

MARIA, GO AND TELL
THE OFFICERS.

I WILL EXPLAIN
TO THE OLD GIRL.

- ( banging )
- RENE, EDITH...

CAN NOBODY HEAR ME-EEE?

SHUT UP,
YOU OLD BAT.

THIS PLACE IS
CRAWLING WITH THE GESTAPO.

I SHALL TELL THEM NOTHING.

NOW, LISTEN CAREFULLY
TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

TWO GERMAN OFFICERS
ARE COMING TO YOUR ROOM.

( spits )
PIGS!

I WILL FIGHT THEM
TO MY DYING BREATH.

THEY HAVE ALREADY
TAKEN OFF THEIR UNIFORMS.

HAVE YOU NO FINESSE?

THEY WILL NOT
TOUCH YOU, MAMMA.

( laughs )
THAT IS WHAT THEY SAID IN 1917.

QUICK,
GET IN THE WARDROBE.

IF I DO NOT HAVE
MY UNIFORM IN 10 MINUTES,

YOU WILL BE SHOT.

BUT COLONEL,
YOUR REVOLVER

IS ON THE BELT
OF THE UNIFORM,

WHICH IS AROUND
THE WAIST

OF THE BRITISH AIRMAN
WHO IS NOT HERE.

- GET IN THE WARDROBE!
- MIND YOUR HEAD.

RENE, HE IS SEARCHING
THE RESTAURANT,

AND THEN HE IS
ON HIS WAY UP HERE.

WHO IS?

OTTO FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

- GESTAPO!
- GESTAPO!

NOT A WORD.
THE GESTAPO ARE COMING!

IF THEY FIND
THE GERMANS IN THE WARDROBE,

I COULD BE SHOT.

I SHALL NOT YIELD

TO THE TORTURE
OF THE GESTAPO,

LONG LIVE FRAAA-AAANCE!

SHUT UP!

HERR OTTO FLICK!

GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING,
HERR FLICK.

I AM SORRY TO PUT YOU
TO INCONVENIENCE,

BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS
I NEED TO KNOW.

THERE ARE TWO GERMAN OFFICERS
IN THE WARDROBE,

AND THE RADIO
IS UNDER MY BED.

VERY AMUSING.

I SEE I AM WASTING
MY TIME HERE.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

I WILL TAKE THE COGNAC
TO THE GERMAN OFFICERS

IN THE ROOM
OF MY MOTHER.

IF THEY DO NOT GET
THEIR UNIFORMS SOON,

THEY WILL GO MAD!

GO WITH HER YVETTE,

SHE IS UNDER
A GREAT STRAIN.

RENE, WHEN ARE WE
GOING TO BE ALONE?

GO TO THE PANTRY,
WAIT FOR ME BY THE BRIE.

KEEP THE--

KEEP THE LID ON
UNTIL I ARRIVE.

CHECK THE WINDOW.

ALL CLEAR.

PUT THAT CHAIR
AT THE BACK OF THE DOOR.

NOW CLIMB ON THE CHAIR.

- OH, MARIA!
- OH, RENE!

MY LITTLE CABBAGE,
MY LITTLE BEANSHOOT!

MY BIG CUCUMBER.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THE FEEL

OF YOUR FIRM
YOUNG BODY DOES TO ME.

YES, I HAVE.

HOLD ME FOREVER.

( both moaning )

WHAT WERE YOU
SAYING TO YVETTE?

NOTHING!
NOTHING, NOTHING.

NO, SHE IS
NOTHING TO ME.

YOU ARE MY ONLY
TRUE LOVE.

BUT HOW LONG
CAN WE KEEP

OUR AFFAIR SECRET
FROM YOUR WIFE?

AS LONG AS
MY HEARING IS GOOD,

AND MY REACTIONS
ARE QUICK.

( knocking )

SOMEONE AT THE WINDOW.

YES, I HEARD.

BUT THESE COWARDLY
OLD LEGS OF MINE

ARE PARALYZED
WITH FEAR.

I SHALL SEE WHO IT IS.

HUH?
OH.

YOU KNOW,
THE VELVET IS WEARING.

WE SHALL HAVE TO START USING
ANOTHER CHAIR SOON.

IT IS THE RESISTANCE.

MICHELLE,
WHY ARE YOU HERE?

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

RENE...

THERE IS NO BRIE.

I ATE IT
LAST NIGHT.

LISTEN, I SHALL
SAY THIS ONLY ONCE--

RENE...

THE GERMAN OFFICERS
CANNOT STAY IN THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER.

LONDON WILL BE CALLING
ON THE RADIO.

THE RADIO IS
UNDER HER BED

AND THE LOUDSPEAKER
IS IN HER CHAMBER.

IF THE GERMANS HEAR A VOICE
COMING FROM HER CHAMBERPOT,

OUR COVER WILL BE BLOWN.

SHUT UP!

MICHELLE HAS
SOMETHING TO TELL US.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

WHAT IS IT
YOU ARE GOING TO SAY?

I HAVEN'T SAID IT YET.

IF YOU LISTEN,
I WILL TELL YOU.

THE SUSPENSE
IS KILLING ME.

THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN

WEARING
THE GERMAN UNIFORMS

HAVE BEEN CAPTURED.

NO!
YES!

NO!
YES!

- NO!
- YES!

WILL NOBODY
BELIEVE THIS WOMAN?

GET ON WITH THE STORY.

THEY HAVE BEEN
CAPTURED BY THE RESISTANCE.

THEN WHY
ARE WE WORRIED?

THEY HAVE NOT BEEN CAPTURED
BY OUR RESISTANCE.

WHAT OTHER
RESISTANCE IS THERE?

THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

WHAT ARE YOU?

- DE GAULLE.
- DE GAULLE?

HE IS THE TALL ONE.

WITH THE BIG HOOTER.

BUT CAN YOU NOT
JUST ASK THEM

IF WE CAN HAVE
OUR UNIFORMS BACK?

WE DO NOT KNOW WHERE
THEY ARE HIDING THEM.

WHAT IS MORE,
WE DO NOT SPEAK TO THEM.

WHEN THE WAR IS OVER,
WHICHEVER IS THE STRONGEST GROUP

WILL CONTROL FRANCE.

THE COMMUNISTS ARE
RUTHLESS KILLERS.

WE WILL HAVE
TO ELIMINATE THEM.

WE CANNOT GET
THOSE GERMANS

OUT OF HERE
WITHOUT UNIFORMS.

THE UNIFORMS ARE NO PROBLEM.

LONDON CAN DO ANYTHING.

I CANNOT TELL THE GERMANS
I'M IN TOUCH WITH LONDON.

THEY WILL HAVE ME SHOT!

WE COULD TELL
THEM MONSIEUR LECLERC, THE FORGER, IS A TAILOR,

AND HE IS GOING
TO MAKE THEM NEW UNIFORMS.

RENE, YOU ARE MARRIED
TO A VERY CLEVER WOMAN.

WELL, I HAVE
ALWAYS PREFERRED BRAINS TO BEAUTY.

UNLESS THEY
HAVE BIG KNOCKERS.

GO AND TELL LECLERC.

LOOK, HOW CAN WE GET
UNIFORMS FROM LONDON?

THE WIRELESS
IS UNDER THE BED

AND THE GERMANS
ARE IN THE WARDROBE.

THIS IS NO PROBLEM.

WE WILL SEND
THE MESSAGE BY PIGEON.

WE HAVE NO PIGEONS!

THEY WILL BE PROVIDED.

TOMORROW MORNING
AT MIDDAY,

YOU WILL GO
TO 36 RUE D'ESCARGOT.

YOU WILL KNOCK
THREE TIMES,

AND THEY WILL
GIVE YOU PIGEONS.

TO AVOID SUSPICION,

YOU WILL BE DISGUISED
AS A SMALL BOY.

BUT WHY CAN'T I BE DISGUISED
AS A SMALL GIRL?

BECAUSE YOU ARE
A SMALL GIRL.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?

YES, YES.
OF COURSE.

I AM TO PRETEND
I AM A TAILOR.

BUT WHO DO I MEASURE?

TWO GERMAN OFFICERS.
THEY ARE IN THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER,

IN THE WARDROBE,
IN THEIR UNDERWEAR.

OF COURSE.

I HAVE COME
FOR THE MEASUREMENTS.

RENE, EDITH!

IS IT THE UNDERTAKER?!

AND I AM IN THE PEAK
OF HEALTH.

THAT VOICE...

THAT FACE...

DO THESE OLD EYES
DECEIVE ME?

CAN IT BE,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

MY... FANNY!

CAN IT BE?

IT IS. ROGER.

MY OLD SWEETHEART,
ROGER.

FANNY!

- ROGER!
- FANNY!

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

IN THE NICK, MY LOVE,
IN THE NICK.

AND NOW FATE HAS
BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

REMEMBER WHEN
WE WERE YOUNG?

YOU USED TO
RUN YOUR FINGERS

THROUGH MY LOVELY
LONG HAIR.

REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS
USED TO BITE MY EAR?

I REMEMBER.

WHERE DID I PUT
MY TEETH?

THAT IS THE BARN,
THERE.

IS THAT WHERE THEY
ARE HIDING THEM?

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

WE MUST GET
THOSE UNIFORMS.

SO WE HAVE TO ATTACK.

NOW, LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

( French accent )
RIGHT, LISTEN TO ME, MY FRIENDS.

UNLESS YOU TELL US
WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW,

I WILL MAKE LIFE
VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU.

( British accent )
WHAT'S SHE TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU SUPPOSE?

I'VE ACTUALLY NO IDEA.

THE PROBLEM IS, I DO BELIEVE
THEY THINK WE'RE JERRIES.

Both:
NOT JERRIES!

IN DISGUISE.

ON YOUR SIDE.

SHOW THEM THE MAGNETO
AND THE LEADS.

PERHAPS YOU
RECOGNIZE

THIS METHOD
OF LOOSENING THE TONGUE?

- I THINK I'VE
GOT IT, CARSTAIRS. - WHAT IS IT?

THEY'VE GOT A CAR
THAT WON'T START,

AND THEY WANT US
TO HELP THEM.

UNFORTUNATELY, I KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT CARS.

NEITHER DO I.

SORRY, CAN'T HELP.

SHE SEEMS DAMN KEEN
TO GET IT GOING.

YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES
TO TALK,

OTHERWISE,
I WILL SHOOT YOU.

IF WE DON'T GET IT GOING,
SHE'S GOING TO SHOOT HERSELF.

WELL, THAT'D BE
A DAMNED SHAME.

SUCH A PRETTY GIRL.

WE'D BETTER AGREE
TO DO WHAT WE CAN.

WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN.

I THOUGHT SO,

THEY ARE PREPARED
TO TALK.

CUT THEM DOWN.

( both shriek )

READY?
TAKE AIM.

FIRE!

QUICK!

IT'S THE GERMANS!
OUT THE BACK WAY.

I THINK WE'D BETTER
TAKE A POWDER, CARSTAIRS.

IF THAT'S THE JERRIES,
WE COULD BE SHOT AS SPIES.

WE'D BETTER GET RID
OF THESE UNIFORMS.

SHOVE THEM
ON THE FIRE.

CEASE FIRE.

THEY ARE
RUNNING FOR IT.

THEY THINK
WE ARE GERMANS.

GET TO THE BRIDGE.
WE WILL CUT THEM OFF THERE.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
ON OUR SIDE?

( off-key )
♪ HEAR MY SONG ♪

♪ IN MY GONDOLA-AAA ♪

♪ WAITING ON THE-- ♪

♪ OLD LAGOO-OON. ♪

RENE, THE GERMAN OFFICERS
WILL WAIT NO LONGER.

THEY ARE COMING
DOWNSTAIRS.

IN THEIR UNDERWEAR?!

NO, THEY HAVE
CHANGED, LOOK.

WHERE DID THEY GET
THOSE CLOTHES?

FROM THE WARDROBE IN THE ROOM
OF YOUR WIFE'S MOTHER.

THEY ARE THE DISGUISES LEFT
BY THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

AH, PIERRE AND JACQUES,
THE ONION SELLERS.

WINE ON THE HOUSE

FOR MY OLD FRIENDS,
PIERRE AND JACQUES.

COME AND SIT DOWN
OVER HERE, MY FRIENDS.

THAT'S IT.
SIT VERY COMFORTABLY HERE.

THAT IS IT,

A BRILLIANT DISGUISE,
COLONEL.

WE'LL HAVE
YOUR UNIFORMS BACK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

YOU SAID THAT
YESTERDAY!

IF WE DO NOT GET
THE UNIFORMS TODAY,

YOU WILL BE SHOT!

UP AGAINST A WALL,
WITH GUNS.

BUT I SEE YOU ARE
A MAN OF COMPASSION.

EVEN AS YOU SAY
THESE WORDS

THERE ARE TEARS
IN YOUR EYES.

IT'S THESE DAMNED ONIONS!

AH! AH...

LITTLE GEORGE,
MY NEPHEW.

WELL, IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN, LAD.

I HAVE WHAT YOU WANT
RIGHT IN HERE.

Y-YEAH. GOOD BOY,
GOOD BOY.

NOW TAKE THAT BASKET

FULL OF YOUR SCHOOL BOOKS,

AND PUT IT
IN THE BACK ROOM.

FOR YOU, UNCLE,
ANYTHING.

OOH!

HEH HEH.

THAT BOY IS
VERY WELL BUILT.

YEAH, IT IS
MY WIFE'S COOKING.

WHY IS HE WEARING
STOCKINGS AND SUSPENDERS?

WE HAVE MANY PROBLEMS
WITH HIM.

OTTO FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO

IS MEETING ME HERE
FOR LUNCH.

YOU MUST GO
AT ONCE!

Rene:
TOO LATE, HERE HE IS.

AH, HELGA,
YOU ARE HERE EARLY. THAT IS GOOD.

YOU TOLD ME
NOT TO BE LATE!

YOUR OBEDIENCE
PLEASES ME.

- SIT!
- YES, HERR FLICK.

WHERE?

HERE.

YOU!
FRENCH PEASANTS!

I AM THE GESTAPO.
I WANT THIS TABLE.

GO AWAY OR YOU
WILL BE SHOT.

WE COULD TAKE
THAT TABLE.

HELGA...

WHEN I MAKE UP
MY MIND I WANT SOMETHING,

I ALWAYS GET IT.

THIS I KNOW, HERR FLICK.

IT IS WHY I FIND YOU
SO EXCITING.

NATURALLY.

YOU FRENCH PEASANTS,
I AM SPEAKING TO YOU.

LOOK AT ME!

COLONEL VON STROHM

AND CAPTAIN GEERING.

HEIL HITLER.

KLUP!

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
IN THE FASHION OF ONION SELLERS?

- WE CAN EXPLAIN.
- WE CAN EXPLAIN.

I'M WAITING.

HE'S WAITING.

I AM TRYING
TO INFILTRATE THE RESISTANCE.

I AM DOING THE SAME
AS HE IS.

DRESSED AS A COLONEL,
THE FRENCH AVOID ME.

BUT WITH THESE ONIONS,
I AM ONE OF THEM.

I AM ONE OF THEM TOO.

I MUST ADMIT,
YOU LOOK LIKE ONE OF THEM.

( clears throat )

I COULD NOT HELP OVERHEARING
THIS CONVERSATION--

THIS HAS GOT NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU!

GO AND DRINK
YOUR COGNAC.

THIS IS AN IDEA
WORTHY OF THE GESTAPO.

HELGA, COME WITH ME.

YES, HERR FLICK.

COLONEL, DO YOU THINK
HE SUSPECTS ANYTHING?

NOT AT THE MOMENT.

BUT WE MUST HAVE
THOSE UNIFORMS.

WELL, THERE IS
A SLIGHT PROBLEM, COLONEL.

WHAT PROBLEM?
YOU HAVE OUR MEASUREMENTS.

ALL WE NEED IS A FITTING.

YES, WELL, THAT TOO
WOULD BE A PROBLEM.

- YOU SEE, THE UNIFORMS
ARE BEING MADE IN LONDON. - Both: WHAT?!

DON'T WORRY. THEY'LL BE
MADE BY THE VERY BEST TAILORS.

MAYBE EVEN SAVILE ROW.

COLONEL, WE ARE GERMANS!

TO HAVE OUR UNIFORMS
MADE IN LONDON

MUST BE AGAINST THE RULES.

RIGHT. THAT DOES IT!

I WILL TELL THE GESTAPO
AND YOU WILL BE SHOT!

AH, BUT DEAR COLONEL,

WITH RESPECT, I AM AFRAID
YOU ARE IN TOO DEEP.

THERE IS THE LITTLE MATTER

OF HELPING
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.

YOU DID DO THAT,
COLONEL.

THEN THERE IS
THE PRICELESS PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
BY VAN CLOMP,

WHICH IS WANTED
BY THE FUHRER.

YOU DID PINCH THAT,
COLONEL.

YOU'RE IN IT JUST
AS DEEP AS I AM.

I ONLY FOLLOW ORDERS,
YOUR ORDERS!

DEAR LOVELY COLONEL,

THERE IS NO REAL REASON
TO WORRY.

VERY SOON YOU WILL
HAVE YOUR UNIFORMS BACK,

AND THE COPY OF THE PAINTING
TO GIVE TO THE GESTAPO,

TO PLEASE THE FUHRER. EH?

THE GIRLS WILL
BE HERE

WITH THE WET
CELERY,

AND LIFE WILL BE
BACK TO NORMAL.

HE IS RIGHT,
COLONEL.

HE'D BETTER BE.

THIS WAR IS GETTING
VERY DANGEROUS.

I WILL ASK MY WIFE
TO PREPARE FOR YOU

A VERY SPECIAL LUNCH.

EDITH...

WE MUST KEEP
THOSE ONION SELLERS HAPPY.

SHALL I SING A SONG
FOR THEM?

NO!

I WANT YOU TO GO
INTO THE KITCHEN

AND DO SOMETHING
UNFORGETTABLE.

RENE,

YOU HAVE NOT
SAID THAT TO ME

SINCE APRIL 1940.

OH!

MARIA,

I AM VERY
CROSS WITH YOU.

SHALL I GET ON THE CHAIR?

NO!

WHAT ARE THESE--
DOING HERE, HMM?

THEY'RE SUSPENDERS
TO KEEP UP MY STOCKINGS.

GENTLEMEN DO NOT WEAR
SUSPENDERS AND STOCKINGS.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE COLONEL
ON A GOOD NIGHT.

YOU NEARLY GAVE AWAY
THE WHOLE GAME.

NOW TAKE THOSE PIGEONS
AND HIDE THEM.

AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
PUT ON A DRESS.

THE GERMAN LIEUTENANT
THINKS I'M LIKE THAT--

- YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE?
- YES.

- DON'T MOVE.
- AAH!

LOCK THE DOOR.

ARE WE ALONE?

WELL, UNLESS YOU COUNT
THE THREE OF US, YES.

HAVE YOU FOUND THE BRITISH
WITH THE UNIFORMS?

WE FOUND THEM,
BUT THEY RAN AWAY.

- DO YOU HAVE
THE PIGEONS? - YES.

GOOD, I HAVE HERE
THE CYLINDER TO ATTACH TO THEIR LEGS.

DO YOU HAVE
THE MEASUREMENTS OF THE GERMAN OFFICERS?

OH, YES.
I'VE GOT THEM HERE.

GOOD. MARIA YOU WILL
PUT THIS IN HERE

AND CLIP IT TO THE LEG
OF ONE OF THE PIGEONS.

YOU, RENE, WILL
WRITE A DESCRIPTION

OF THE UNIFORMS
WE REQUIRE.

HERE IS THE PAPER
SUPPLIED WITH THE CYLINDER.

WHAT SHALL I SAY?

"TO LONDON, PLEASE
SUPPLY URGENTLY,

BY PARACHUTE DROP
AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE,

GERMAN UNIFORMS
AS FOLLOWS:

ONE COLONEL
IN RESEARCH REGIMENT

- WITH THE FOLLOWING MEDALS...
- JU-- JU-- JUST--

A MOMENT, PLEASE!

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET ALL THAT

ON THIS LITTLE BIT
OF PAPER?

WITH VERY SMALL WRITING.

DO YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD
FOUND THOSE BRITISH,

WE COULD HAVE GOT
THE UNIFORMS BACK?

WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO
GO THROUGH ALL THIS FARRAGO.

( knocking )

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

SORRY ABOUT
THE TOGS,

WE HAD TO PINCH THEM
OFF A COUPLE OF SCARECROWS.

NEVER MIND THAT CHAPS,
WHAT ABOUT THE UNIFORMS?

WE BURNED THEM.

WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE
THOUGHT AS SPIES.

THE PAINTING'S
SAFE THOUGH.

WHAT ARE THEY
JABBERING ABOUT?

THEY HAVE THE PICTURE,
BUT THEY HAVE BURNED THE UNIFORMS.

OH, HECK.

WELL, THEY CANNOT STAY HERE.
GERMANS ARE EVERYWHERE.

YOU WILL HAVE
TO FIND SOMEWHERE.

THERE IS ONLY THE ROOM
OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER.

AND THE GERMAN COLONEL
AND CAPTAIN ARE HIDING THERE.

OH, NO, NO.
THEY ARE NOW IN THE RESTAURANT

DISGUISED
AS ONION SELLERS.

THEN WE DON'T HAVE
TO SEND THE MESSAGE BY THE PIGEON.

WE CAN USE
THE RADIO.

WHAT SHALL I DO
WITH THESE?

HIDE THEM.

COME, PLEASE.

HELLO MAMMA, IT IS I,
LITTLE EDITH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THE BED OF MY MOTHER?

UH, WELL...

WE WERE CHILDHOOD
SWEETHEARTS.

SHE WAS MY LOVE,

BUT I THOUGHT
I HAD LOST IT.

AND NOW, ONCE AGAIN,
HE HAS FOUND IT.

THIS COULD ONLY
HAPPEN IN FRANCE.

HERE IS YOUR SOUP.

MAMMA, I--

WHAT IS THE FORGER,
WHO IS PRETENDING TO BE A TAILOR,

DOING IN BED
WITH YOUR MOTHER?

HE'S AN OLD LOVER.
ISN'T IT ROMANTIC?

RHEUMATIC, I WOULD SAY.

NOW LISTEN TO ME,
FOR A VERY BRIEF PERIOD

YOU MUST ACCOMMODATE
THESE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN.

THESE TOGS HAVE
A FRIGHTFUL PONG,

COULD YOU HANG THEM
ON A LINE OR SOMETHING?

THEY TAKE OFF
THEIR CLOTHES!

THEY ARE NO BETTER
THAN THE GERMANS.

PROTECT ME!

- THE RADIO.
- OH, YES.

COME ON, CHAPS,
LEND A HAND, LIFT THE BED.

OH, RIGHT-O.

AARGHH!

THE SOUP!

- HOLD THIS!
- OH, THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

YOU HAVE THIS.

I SAY, THEY CAN'T HAVE
MUCH CONFIDENCE IN THE SOUP.

'ALLO, 'ALLO,
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK.

ARE YOU RECEIVING ME?
OVER.

THESE ARE
MY PRIVATE QUARTERS.

I HAVE HAD IT MADE
COMPLETELY SOUNDPROOFED.

I CAN GUESS WHY.

YES, THE NOISE
OF THE LORRIES WAS KEEPING ME AWAKE AT NIGHT.

THIS IS MY GODFATHER,
HEINRICH HIMMLER.

THAT ONE IS ME
IN THE HITLER YOUTH.

YOUR KNEES ARE
VERY BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S WHY I JOINED.

I, TOO, WAS IN
THE HITLER YOUTH.

WE ARE TWO OF A KIND.
YOU MAY KISS ME.

THAT GAVE ME
GREAT PLEASURE.

THIS ROOM HAS
A VERY EXCITING ATMOSPHERE.

DO YOU INTERROGATE
PEOPLE HERE?

WELL, JUST A LITTLE BIT.

I HAVE TO KEEP UP
APPEARANCES.

BERLIN EXPECTS
THIS SORT OF THING.

BUT AS YOU KNOW...
I AM A SOFTIE AT HEART.

SIT IN THAT CHAIR.

YES, HERR FLICK.

I WANT SOME
INFORMATION FROM YOU.

( gasp )

I WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING,
HERR FLICK, ANYTHING!

THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN...

DO YOU THINK
THEY KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS

OF "THE FALLEN MADONNA"
BY VAN CLOMP?

I AM SURE THEY DO NOT.

GOOD, WE WILL
HAVE SOME WINE.

GO TO THAT CUPBOARD.

YES, HERR FLICK.

OPEN IT.

YES, HERR FLICK.

FROM TIME TO TIME,
IT IS NECESSARY

FOR THE GESTAPO
TO HAVE MANY DISGUISES.

BRING ME THE TWO HANGERS
ON THE EXTREME RIGHT.

YES, HERR FLICK.

THESE ARE THE CLOTHES
OF ONION SELLERS.

WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES
AND RETURN TO THE CAFE.

DO YOU THINK
THEY WILL FIT?

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT.

TAKE OFF YOUR UNIFORM.

YES, HERR FLICK.

WE WILL OBSERVE
THE NORMAL PROPRIETIES.

I WILL CHANGE
BEHIND THIS SCREEN.

CONTINUE TO TAKE OFF
YOUR UNIFORM.

HERR FLICK,

I HOPE YOU DO NOT
DISAPPROVE

OF MY CHOICE
OF UNDERGARMENTS.

NOT AT ALL.

SUCH THINGS ARE VERY POPULAR
IN BERLIN THESE DAYS.

YOU KNOW, COLONEL,
IT IS QUITE PLEASANT

TO BE A FRENCH
ONION SELLER.

PEOPLE SMILE AT US.

MMM. ESPECIALLY THAT
GERMAN OFFICER OVER THERE.

HELLO.

I PREFER--

I THINK I PREFER
BEING A PEASANT

TO BEING A GERMAN.

YOU'LL BE A DEAD PEASANT
IF HERR FLICK FINDS OUT

WE'VE BEEN HELPING
BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS,
COLONEL.

LONDON IS MAKING
YOUR UNIFORMS.

THEY ARE WORKING
THROUGH THE NIGHT

AND THEY WILL BE
DROPPED BY PARACHUTE AT DAWN TOMORROW.

BUT HOW DO WE KNOW
THEY WILL FIT?

THEY ARE BEING MADE
BY THE VERY BEST

SAVILE ROW TAILORS,
SOLOMON AND KLEIN.

JEWISH TAILORS?!

ARE YOU MAD?

THEY ARE THE BEST,
HERR COLONEL.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT,
HANS.

IT'S THE PRINCIPLE
OF THE THING.

IF I HAD KNOWN THEY WERE
EMPLOYING JEWISH TAILORS,

THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN
DIFFERENT.

WE COULD HAVE ORDERED
SOME EXTRA SHIRTS.

YOUR LUNCH
WILL SOON BE READY.

WHAT IS IT?
GEFILTE FISH AND BAGELS?

( laughs )

NO, IT IS A SURPRISE.

HOW MUCH LONGER
DO WE HAVE TO WAIT?

SHALL I SING YOU A SONG
TO HELP PASS THE TIME?

NO! GET BACK
TO THE KITCHEN.

OH MY GOD,
MORE ONION SELLERS.

COLONEL,

IT IS I, HELGA.

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
AS AN ONION SELLER?

HERR FLICK WILL BE
SUSPICIOUS.

HE IS ALSO DISGUISED
AS AN ONION SELLER.

GOOD AFTERNOON,
HERR PATRON.

I AM JUST A SIMPLE
ONION SELLER

IN SEARCH
OF WINE AND FOOD.

- SIT!
- YES, HERR ONION SELLER.

I WILL OBTAIN
WINE AND FOOD AT ONCE.

MONSIEUR RENE,

THAT ONION SELLER THERE,

IS HE ANOTHER COUSIN?

OH, VERY DISTANT,
YES.

I'M BEGINNING
TO RECOGNIZE YOUR COUSINS.

THEY ARE ALL...
VERY WELL BUILT.

HERE IT IS,

A WORK OF ART.

CASSEROLE OF PIGEON.

IT LOOKS
VERY APPETIZING.

WILL YOU JOIN US?

I SHALL BE
MOST HONORED.

BREAST OR LEG?

I LIKE THE LEGS.

I CAN VOUCH FOR
THE TRUTH OF THIS.

WHERE DID YOU
GET PIGEON?

THEY WERE IN A BASKET
IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU FOOL, THEY WERE
CARRIER PIGEONS!

- NO?
- YES!

- NO!
- DON'T START.

THERE, ON THE LEG,
IS A CYLINDER.

IT CONTAINS
THE MEASUREMENTS

OF THE COLONEL.

THERE IS A CYLINDER
ATTACHED TO THE LEG

OF THIS CASSEROLED PIGEON.

UH, UH--

SPICES, HERR F--

THEY SHOULD HAVE
BEEN REMOVED. ALLOW ME.

STOP!

I WILL INVESTIGATE.

INSIDE THE CYLINDER

COVERED IN GRAVY...

THERE IS A PIECE
OF PAPER...

WITH WRITING ON IT!

PERHAPS IT IS
THE RECIPE?

OR MAYBE EVEN THE NAME
AND ADDRESS OF THE PIGEON?

CLEARLY IT IS IN CODE.

THIS WILL GO AT ONCE
TO BERLIN

TO BE DECIPHERED
BY EXPERTS.

CONGRATULATIONS,
HERR COLONEL,

ALREADY THESE DISGUISES
ARE PRODUCING RESULTS.

RENE,

WHAT WAS ON THAT PAPER?

WHAT WILL THEY DISCOVER?

ONLY THAT SOMEBODY'S
INSIDE LEG MEASUREMENT IS 34,

CHEST 42, AND NECK 17.

WHO'S THAT PERSON?

YOU, COLONEL.

IT WAS FOR THE NEW UNIFORM,
BUT DON'T WORRY,

YOUR NAME WAS NOT
UPON IT.

SUPPOSE THEY IDENTIFY IT
FROM THE MEASUREMENTS?

COLONEL,

MANY PEOPLE
HAVE A 42 CHEST.

EVEN HELGA,
IF YOU INCLUDE HER ONIONS.

WHAT SHALL WE DO, HANS?

I THINK WE SHOULD
EAT THE PIGEONS.

HANS, YOU ARE RIGHT!

RENE, THE VEGETABLES!

AT ONCE,
HERR COLONEL.

( theme music playing )