'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 1, Episode 3 - Savile Row to the Rescue - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( off-key )
♪ WE LOVED, WE PARTED ♪

♪ AS FATE HAD ARRANGED ♪

♪ NOW THERE YOU STAND ♪

♪ AND NOTHING
HAS CHANGED... ♪

YVETTE, A LARGE COGNAC.

I HAVE IT
FOR YOU HERE, RENE.

THANK YOU.

♪ YOU ARE MY LOVE,
MY ONLY LOVE ♪

♪ ONCE MORE... ♪

IN ME, YOU SEE
A MAN WHO HAS PROBLEMS.



AT THAT TABLE OVER THERE,
ARE TWO GERMAN OFFICERS

DRESSED AS ONION SELLERS

BECAUSE I GAVE
THEIR UNIFORMS

TO SOME BRITISH AIRMEN
TO HELP THEM TO ESCAPE.

HOWEVER, THE BRITISH AIRMEN
BURNED THE UNIFORMS.

DON'T ASK ME WHY--

AND THEY ARE NOW
HIDING UPSTAIRS

IN THE WARDROBE
OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

WHO IS IN BED
IN THE ATTIC.

PLAYING THE PIANO

IS MONSIEUR LECLERC,

JAILBIRD AND FORGER,

WHO, IN HIS YOUTH,

WAS THE LOVER,
GOD HELP HIM,



OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

AND WHO, FOR ALL I KNOW,
MIGHT WELL BE

MY WIFE'S FATHER.

HERR FLICK,
THE GESTAPO OFFICER,

IS ALSO DRESSED
AS ON AN ONION SELLER

IN ORDER TO TRACE
THE MISSING PAINTING BY VAN CLOMP

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,

WHICH I JUST HAPPEN
TO HAVE UPON MY PERSON.

BUT EVEN WORSE
THAN ALL THIS,

MY WIFE EDITH...

♪ FATE HAD ARRANGED... ♪

WHO YOU WILL HAVE NOTICED
CANNOT CARRY A TUNE IN A BUCKET,

IS ABOUT TO SING
ANOTHER CHORUS.

THE GERMAN LIEUTENANT
AT THAT TABLE THERE FANCIES ME,

AND THESE TWO RINGS
ON MY FINGERS

CONTAIN TWO
SUICIDE PILLS.

BUT I COULD
GO ON FOREVER.

RENE, COME INTO
THE BACK ROOM QUICKLY.

MY LITTLE CHICKEN, MARIA,

I HAVE NOT TIME
FOR THAT SORT OF THING NOW.

THE RESTAURANT IS FULL.
MEET ME TONIGHT AT 11:00--

IN THE COLD ROOM
BY THE ICEBOX.

NO, RENE.

MICHELLE WANTS YOU
IN THE BACK ROOM,

MICHELLE FROM
THE RESISTANCE.

SHH! DO NOT MENTION
THAT WORD IN HERE.

OH, THAT MICHELLE
WILL GET ME SHOT.

LOOK AFTER THE BAR.

CAN WE STILL
MEET AT 11:00?

OF COURSE.

CAN WE MEET
SOMEWHERE ELSE?

WAITING FOR YOU
BY THE ICEBOX, IT'S--

IT'S SO UNROMANTIC.

BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SIT ON IT.

ALL RIGHT, THEN MEET ME
IN THE COAL CELLAR.

BUT I GET SO DIRTY
IN THERE.

YES, I KNOW.

MICHELLE?

MICHELLE?

I AM HERE.

WHY CAN'T YOU WAIT
IN THE ROOM,

LIKE AN ORDINARY PERSON?

BECAUSE I'M NOT
AN ORDINARY PERSON.

TO AVOID BEING DISCOVERED
BY THE GERMANS,

I HAVE TO MOVE WITH
GREAT CUNNING AND SECRECY,

OTHERWISE,
I WILL BE SHOT.

I UNDERSTAND.

I HAVE THE SAME TROUBLE
WITH MY WIFE.

NOW LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

YOU ARE TO TAKE
THIS CONTAINER.

I SEE.

AND WHAT DOES THIS
CONTAINER CONTAIN?

BOLS.

MICHELLE, UP UNTIL NOW
OUR RELATIONSHIP

HAS BEEN ON A VERY CIVILIZED
AND FRIENDLY BASIS.

IF I HAVE EVER SAID
ANYTHING TO OFFEND YOU--

- BOLS GIN.
- OH!

THIS TYPE OF GIN

IS COLORED
A VERY PALE BLUE.

I RUN A BAR,
I DO KNOW THAT.

NITROGLYCERIN
IS ALSO COLORED

A VERY PALE BLUE.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

BUT WHAT IS
THE CONNECTION?

THIS IS
NITROGLYCERIN.

BE VERY GENTLE
WITH IT.

DO NOT DROP IT.

DO NOT LET ANYONE
SEE IT.

HIDE IT
IN YOUR CELLAR.

AT 11:00 THERE IS
GOING TO BE A BIG BANG.

BUT THAT WAS
NOT DEFINITE.

IT WAS ONLY
A LOOSE ARRANGEMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

I AM ASKING YOU
TO HIDE THIS BOTTLE IN YOUR CELLAR.

IT IS TO BLOW UP
THE RAILWAY LINE.

BUT THE RAILWAY LINE
DOES NOT RUN OVER MY CELLAR.

MY RESTAURANT RUNS
OVER MY CELLAR.

I KNOW THAT.

I WILL BE BACK
TO COLLECT IT QUITE SOON.

IN THAT CASE,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP IT?

BECAUSE IF THE GERMANS
FIND IT THEY WILL SHOOT ME.

IF THEY FIND IT HERE,
WON'T THEY SHOOT ME?

YOU HAVE A CAFE.

YOU HAVE A BAR.

WHY SHOULD YOU NOT HAVE
A BOTTLE OF BOLS GIN?

IF I COULD THINK
OF A REASON,

I WOULD GIVE YOU ONE.

( piano playing )

♪ IT'S THE WAY WE GO ♪

♪ THE SAME REFRAIN ♪

♪ THE FINAL ENCORE ♪

♪ YOU ARE MY LOVE ♪

♪ MY ONLY LOVE ♪

♪ ONCE MORE ♪

♪ YOU ARE MY LOVE ♪

♪ MY ONLY LOVE ♪

♪ ONCE ♪

♪ MO-O-O-RE. ♪

( silence )

THANK YOU FOR
YOUR KIND APPLAUSE.

NOW ARE THERE
ANY REQUESTS?

TWO BEERS
AND SOME MORE CHEESE.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE,
LIEUTENANT?

I HAVE A FANCY FOR SOMETHING
A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

MAYBE A SMALL PORT
AND LEMON?

THAT WILL DO
VERY NICELY.

WHERE IS MONSIEUR RENE?

I HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO CATCH HIS EYE ALL NIGHT,

BUT I THINK
HE IS AVOIDING ME.

HE HAS A LOT ON HIS MIND
AT THE MOMENT,

BUT I AM SURE HE IS NOT
TRYING TO AVOID YOU.

HE IS TOO BUSY TRYING
TO AVOID HIS WIFE.

OH REALLY?

THAT IS
VERY INTERESTING.

AH, MONSIEUR RENE.

LIEUTENANT, HAVE YOU
GOT A DRINK?

I WAS ASKING FOR SOMETHING
A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

WHAT IS IT
THAT YOU HAVE THERE?

OH, IT'S JUST
A VERY EXOTIC GIN.

IT IS NEW TO ME.
WHAT IS IT?

BOLS.

MONSIEUR RENE,

SO FAR OUR RELATIONSHIP
HAS BEEN ON A CIVILIZED

AND FRIENDLY BASIS.
IF I HAVE BEEN, IN ANY WAY--

NO, NO, NO.

B-O-L-S. BOLS.

OH, SO SORRY.

IT IS MOST INTRIGUING.
I WILL TRY SOME.

NO, NO. I CANNOT
OPEN THE BOTTLE

JUST FOR ONE GIN.

MAKE IT TWO BOLS.
( laughs )

YOU HAVE ONE ALSO.

NO, EVEN FOR TWO
I CANNOT OPEN IT.

PERHAPS SHE WOULD
LIKE ONE AS WELL.

YES, I WOULD
LOVE ONE.

YOU DO NOT
DRINK ON DUTY.

- SINCE WHEN?
- SINCE NOW.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD
LIKE TO GIVE YOUR WIFE ONE?

OUT OF THE QUESTION.

VERY WELL, I WILL
BUY THE WHOLE BOTTLE.

IT'S NOT
FOR SALE.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO GET RID OF ME?!

NOT DELIBERATELY, NO.

( thumping softly )
EDITH.

RENE.

( thumping louder )
MARIA!

YVETTE!

WILL NOBODY ANSWER ME?

I SAY, WOULD YOU MIND
MAKING A LITTLE LESS NOISE?

WE'RE TRYING TO GET
SOME SLEEP IN HERE.

MEN IN MY WARDROBE.

- WHAT'S SHE SAYING?
- I'VE NO IDEA.

FRENCH IS ALL
GREEK TO ME.

HOPE SHE'S NOT CALLING
FOR MORE ONION SOUP.

IF SHE IS WE'LL HAVE
TO STUFF MORE CHEWING GUM IN THE KEYHOLE.

'ALLO, MAMMA!
IT IS I, YOUR DAUGHTER EDITH.

I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
YOUR ONION SOUP.

OH MY GOD.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS
ONION SOUP?

BECAUSE WE ARE HELPING
BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE

DISGUISED
AS ONION SELLERS

AND WE CANNOT WASTE
THE ONIONS.

COULD YOU NOT
DISGUISE THE AIRMEN AS...

BUTCHERS?

THEN I COULD HAVE
A GOOD STEAK.

DON'T BE DIFFICULT,
MAMMA.

I AM AN INVALID.

INVALIDS HAVE...

POACHED EGGS.

WHY CANNOT I
HAVE POACHED EGGS?

BECAUSE THE HENS,
THEY ARE NOT LAYING.

IN MY DAY, WE MIXED
THEIR CORN WITH GIN.

THAT IS ALWAYS
MAKING THEM LAY.

ALSO IT WOULD
DO ME GOOD.

RENE HAS A NEW BOTTLE.
I WILL BRING YOU SOME.

WHAT'S THE TIME, HANS?

THAT IS NO GOOD.

MY EYES ARE RUNNING SO MUCH
FROM THESE DAMNED ONIONS

I CAN'T SEE.

NEITHER CAN I.

ONE WHOLE DAY WE'VE
BEEN AWAY FROM THE OFFICE.

WHAT WILL THEY SAY
IN BERLIN

IF THEY FIND OUT
WE'RE NOT THERE?

I THINK THEY WILL
BE VERY CROSS.

THAT FOOL
OF A SENTRY

DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME
WHEN I TRIED TO GET IN.

BUT YOU HAD
NO PAPERS.

HE HIT ME
WITH HIS RIFLE BUTT.

A DISGRACEFUL WAY
TO TREAT AN OLD PEASANT.

THERE'S HELGA.

SHE MAY HAVE SOME NEWS.

HERE, SIT DOWN.

COLONEL, I HAVE BAD NEWS.
I HAVE BEEN TO THE CLEANERS

FOR YOUR SPARE UNIFORMS
AND THEY ARE NOT READY.

YOU FOOL GIRL,
YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGHT THEM AS THEY WERE.

YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT
THEM AS THEY WERE, FOOL GIRL.

THEY HAVE BEEN SENT AWAY.

THEY HAVE GONE TO PARIS.

YOU ORDERED DELUXE SERVICE.

I DID NOT ORDER
DELUXE SERVICE.

WHO ORDERED
DELUXE SERVICE?

I DID.

YOU AND YOUR CREASES.

YOU TRY TO BE
SMART DOWN HERE.

YOU SHOULD BE
SMART UP HERE.

I SENT MY HAT, ALSO.

- I HAVE MORE NEWS.
- IS IT GOOD OR BAD?

HANS, I AM
YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER.

I ASK THE QUESTIONS.

IN THESE CLOTHES
WE ARE EQUAL.

ON THE CONTRARY.

MY ONIONS ARE BIGGER
THAN YOUR ONIONS,

AND I HAVE
TWO ROWS.

LUCKY YOU.

TOMORROW MORNING
AT 10:00,

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS COMING TO INSPECT.

VON KLINKERHOFFEN?

NOT THE VON KLINKERHOFFEN?

HANS, YOU FOOL.

HOW MANY VON KLINKERHOFFENS
DO YOU THINK THERE ARE?

THE TELEGRAM IN YOUR OFFICE
SAYS YOU ARE TO MEET HIM AT THE STATION.

THIS IS DISASTER.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
THE STINK IN BERLIN?

VON KLINKERHOFFEN

MET BY TWO
ONION SELLERS.

HITLER WILL DO
HIS NUT.

WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?

WE COULD BORROW
A REVOLVER.

TO SHOOT OURSELVES?

I SUPPOSE THAT'S
THE HONORABLE THING TO DO.

AFTER ALL, WE ARE
OFFICERS AND SOLDIERS.

I-- I-- I--

I JUST THOUGHT WE COULD
SHOOT OUR LITTLE TOES OFF.

THEN WE COULD GO TO HOSPITAL,
WHERE THEY WEAR PAJAMAS.

NO...

PERHAPS RENE HAS NEWS.

AH, RENE!

YES, HERR ONION SELLER.
ONE MOMENT.

MONSIEUR LECLERC!

MADAME.

TAKE THIS GIN
TO MY MOTHER.

AH, GIN.

I HAD FORGOTTEN
HOW IT SMELLS.

SO LONG HAVE I BEEN
IN THE NICK.

MARIA.

TAKE THIS,

AND MIX IT WITH THE CORN
FOR THE CHICKENS.

IT WILL HELP THEM TO LAY.

YES, COLONEL.

RENE, SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU,
COLONEL.

LISTEN, RENE.
I WILL COME STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

IF YOU DO NOT GET
THESE UNIFORMS BY TONIGHT, YOU WILL BE SHOT.

YOU DON'T BEAT
ABOUT THE BUSH, DO YOU COLONEL?

I DO NOT.

WHY DON'T YOU
TRY IT SOMETIME?

IT IS BETTER FOR THE NERVES,
ESPECIALLY MY NERVES.

DO WE GET THEM OR NOT?

COLONEL, THEY ARE COMING
FROM LONDON.

- LONDON?
- THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE BETTER.

PUT SOME CHEESE
IN YOUR EARS.

I'M AFRAID THERE WAS
A SLIGHT DELAY, COLONEL.

THE TAILOR HAD TO GO
TO A BAR MITZVAH.

A JEWISH TAILOR!
OY VAY.

WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

I WILL SPEAK TO MICHE--

TO SOMEONE WHO WILL
MAKE CONTACT.

THEY WILL TRY TO GET THEM
DELIVERED TO US TONIGHT.

YOUR LIFE
DEPENDS ON IT.

SO DO OUR
LITTLE TOES.

( clucking )

COME, LITTLE CHICKENS.

COME ON.

IT'S DINNER TIME.

IT IS TIME
I AM SINGING AGAIN.

I NEED SOMETHING
TO STEADY MY NERVES.

YOU KNOW SINGING
TO A CROWDED ROOM

TAKES A SPECIAL KIND
OF COURAGE.

IT'S LUCKY
YOU ARE SO BRAVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT BOTTLE?

I AM JUST GOING
TO WET MY WHISTLE.

YOU FOOL, THIS COULD
BLOW YOUR WHISTLE

THROUGH THE TOP
OF YOUR HEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I AM SAYING IT IS
TO BLOW UP A TRAIN.

I AM SAYING IT IS
NITROGLYCERIN.

HELLO!

BUT I HAVE GIVEN SOME
TO MY MOTHER.

- AND THE CHICKENS.
- OH NO, THIS IS DISASTER.

THOSE ARE THE ONLY
CHICKENS WE HAVE.

WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER?

MADAME.
( laughs )

THAT DRINK, OH.

IT MAKE YOUR MAMMA
VERY FRISKY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE GOT OUT OF BED,

WENT TO PICK UP
HER SLIPPERS,

AND BLEW THE DOOR
OFF THE WARDROBE.

- OH MY GOD!
- QUICK, THE CHICKENS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

STOP THROWING
THIS CORN SO HARD.

- IT'S ALL GONE.
- WHERE?

- INSIDE THE CHICKENS.
- WHAT?

WHERE ARE THE CHICKENS?

WHERE THEY ALWAYS GO
TO LAY THE EGGS,

BEHIND THE HEDGE.

( explosions )

THAT WAS ONLY FIVE.
WHERE IS THE OTHER?

THE COCKEREL CHASED HER
INTO THE HEN HOUSE.

MMM, SOME BANG.

( clucking )

YOU ARE LOOKING
AT A WALKING LEGEND.

♪ HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ♪

♪ TO BE, BOM BOM ♪

♪ BY THE SEINE ♪

♪ WITH ME, BOM BOM? ♪

I SAY, CARSTAIRS,

THE OLD GIRL'S
A BIT OF A GOER, ISN'T SHE?

LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T
GIVE HER ANYTHING ELSE.

BETWEEN THE ONION SOUP
AND THAT DRINK,

SHE'S MORE DANGEROUS
THAN THE FLAK OVER BERLIN.

MAMMA!

MAMMA.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY PERFORMANCE.

SHUT UP.

ALL TOGETHER NOW,
PLEASE.

Both:
♪ HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ♪

♪ DOWN BY THE SEINE
WITH ME? ♪

♪ UNDER THE BRIDGE... ♪

MY GOD, CARSTAIRS,

THIS IS A TERRIBLE WAR.

SHUT UP,
BOTH OF YOU.

I-- SHUT UP!

RENE, LISTEN TO HER.

FOR ONCE SHE IS HAPPY.

YOU KNOW IT IS FROM HER
I GET MY TALENT.

IT HAS TRAVELED
VERY BADLY.

I HAVE TO LIFT THE BED
TO GET TO THE RADIO TO TALK TO LONDON.

SHUT UP,
YOU OLD BAT.

LIFT THE BED.

I THINK THEY WANT
THE WIRELESS.

OH!

OH.

'ALLO 'ALLO,
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK.

CAN YOU HEAR ME, OVER?

OF COURSE
I CAN HEAR YOU.

NOT YOU.
SHUT UP.

Male voice:
'Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk.

This is London.

Listen carefully.

I shall say this
only once.

HERE, TAKE THIS
TO TABLE THREE.

OH HECK,

HERE COMES TROUBLE.

IT'S OTTO FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.

GESTAPO!

FOR GOD'S SAKE,
ACT NORMALLY.

I AM ACTING NORMALLY.

ALWAYS I AM LIKE THIS
WITH THE GESTAPO.

WELCOME, HERR FLICK.

MAY I FIND YOU
A TABLE?

I KNOW WHERE
I WANT TO SIT.

OF COURSE,
HERR FLICK.

WHY IS IT THAT WHEN
I AM IN THE ROOM,

EVERYONE STOPS TALKING?

IT IS IN CASE YOU WISH
TO SAY ANYTHING, HERR FLICK.

I DO.

HEIL HITLER.

Germans:
HEIL HITLER!

WELL, YOU CAN'T
FOLLOW THAT.

HAVE YOU FOUND OUT ANYTHING
ABOUT THE MISSING PAINTING?

NO, HERR FLICK.

NOT A SMELL OF IT.

IT IS POSSIBLE THE PEASANTS
HAVE PENETRATED YOUR DISGUISE.

YOU MUST CHANGE BACK
INTO YOUR UNIFORMS.

AT ONCE, HERR FLICK.

WELL, VERY NEARLY.

YOU HAVE HEARD OF THE ARRIVAL
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN?

YES, HERR FLICK.

YOU WILL MEET HIM
TOMORROW AT THE STATION.

YES, HERR FLICK.

HE WILL BE INSPECTING
OUR DEFENSES

AND ALL
THE MAIN BUILDINGS.

DOES THAT INCLUDE
THE HOSPITAL?

WHY DO YOU ASK?

IN CASE WE HAVE
AN ACCIDENT, YOU KNOW.

WE WOULDN'T WANT
TO MISS HIM, HERR FLICK.

HE IS A RUTHLESS MAN.

THE SLIGHTEST SIGN
OF INEFFICIENCY

AND YOU WILL BE POSTED.

TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT?

IF YOU'RE LUCKY.

I WILL GO
AND TIDY THE OFFICE

AND ENSURE EVERYTHING
IS IN ORDER.

NO!

YOU WILL REPORT
TO MY ROOM IN ONE HOUR.

YES, HERR FLICK.
MAY I ASK WHY?

THERE ARE PERHAPS,
CERTAIN THINGS

YOU HAVE NOT
REVEALED TO ME.

HERR FLICK--

HOW COULD I
HIDE ANYTHING

FROM THOSE STERN,
PENETRATING EYES?

WE SHALL SEE.

HEIL HITLER.

- HEIL HITLER.
- Hans: KLUP.

DO NOT BE LATE.

NO, HERR FLICK.
WHAT IF I AM EARLY?

DO NOT BE EARLY EITHER!
BE PUNCTUAL.

YES, HERR FLICK.

HEIL HITLER!

All:
HEIL HITLER!

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
CLEAN UP THAT MESS.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS,
COLONEL.

THE UNIFORMS?

THEY ARE ON
THEIR WAY.

AND WE ARE GOING TO
SEND BACK THE PAINTING TO LONDON TO BE COPIED.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
COMING BY PARACHUTE.

NO, NO. TONIGHT,
A PLANE WILL LAND

SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE.

WHAT'S THE USE
OF SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE?

WE WANT IT HERE.

THIS IS
SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE,

BUT IF I TOLD YOU TOO MUCH,
THE RESISTANCE WOULD SHOOT ME.

WE WILL MEET
THE PLANE WITH YOU.

NO, NO, DEAR COLONEL,

I DON'T THINK THE RESISTANCE
WOULD LIKE THAT.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
YOUR CAFE BLOWN UP,

AND YOU AND YOUR WIFE
PUT UP AGAINST A WALL AND SHOT?

YOU WOULD NOT DO THAT.

NO, BUT HERR FLICK
WOULD.

WE MIGHT BE WITH YOU.

I WILL SEE
WHAT CAN BE DONE.

EXCUSE ME, COLONEL.

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO SING AGAIN?

I HAVE A MESSAGE
FOR RENE.

A MAN HAS ARRIVED

TO READ
THE GAS METER.

EDITH, WE HAVE NO METER
BECAUSE WE HAVE NO GAS.

WHY DO YOU NOT STOP
WASTING MY TIME, WOMAN?

WHY DO YOU NOT JUST SAY
WHAT YOU MEAN?

THE GIRL MICHELLE IS HERE
FROM THE RESISTANCE.

AH, A CLUE AT LAST!

I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE
HELPING THE RESISTANCE.

WE WILL ARREST THIS GIRL,
WE WILL MAKE HER TALK

AND WE WILL BE HEROES.

WITH MEDALS!

WITHOUT UNIFORMS
TO PIN THEM ON.

COLONEL, THAT GIRL
IS THE ONLY PERSON

WHO KNOWS WHERE
THE PLANE WILL LAND.

I SEE WE ARE IN IT
UP TO HERE.

THAT MAKES IT
WELL OVER MY HEAD.

( whispering )
- RENE. - RENE.

COME.

RENE.

IT'S ALL CLEAR, RENE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

ARE YOU FRIGHTENED?

OF COURSE
I'M FRIGHTENED.

THE COUNTRYSIDE IS FULL
OF HIDDEN DANGERS.

I'VE JUST TRODDEN IN ONE.

SIGNAL FOR THE OTHERS.

( whistles loudly )

COULD YOU NOT DO AN OWL
OR SOMETHING SIMILAR?

IT IS THE ONLY
SIGNAL I KNOW.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO WHISTLE LIKE THAT?

WHEN SHE WAS WORKING
IN PARIS.

SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING
TO ATTRACT ATTENTION.

RENE, YOU DID NOT TELL US
WE WOULD BE HELPING

TWO BRITISH OFFICERS
TO ESCAPE AS WELL.

WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED
TO DO THIS.

THEY WILL GO BACK
ON THE PLANE

THAT BRINGS
YOUR UNIFORMS.

THEN WE CAN ALL
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

FAIRFAX, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'VE NO IDEA,

BUT ANYTHING'S BETTER
THAN THAT DAMN WARDROBE.

DON'T MOVE.

MICHELLE.

WHY ARE YOU
WEARING SUNGLASSES?

SO THESE GERMANS DON'T
RECOGNIZE ME AGAIN.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

UP THE ROAD
IS A BRIDGE.

ON THE BRIDGE
IS A GERMAN SENTRY.

- WHAT?
- THERE IS ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

GO HOME?

NO.

THESE GERMAN OFFICERS

MUST GIVE THE SENTRY
ORDERS TO LET US PAST.

BUT WE ARE DRESSED
AS ONION SELLERS.

YOU MUST CONVINCE THEM,

OTHERWISE YOU DO NOT
GET YOUR UNIFORMS.

HANS.

HOLD MY ONIONS.

HALT!
OR I FIRE.

I AM COLONEL VON STROHM,

TOWN COMMANDANT.

STAND TO ATTENTION
WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU.

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
AS A SMELLY PEASANT?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

WHERE ARE YOUR PAPERS?

SHE HAS KILLED HIM.

NO, HE IS JUST
UNCONSCIOUS.

RENE, WE ARE
GERMAN OFFICERS.

WE CANNOT BE A PARTY
TO KNOCKING OUT OUR OWN TROOPS.

BUT COLONEL, HE WAS
THE ONE WHO HIT YOU WITH HIS RIFLE BUTT.

SO HE DID.

- THUG.
- ( plane approaching )

THAT IS THE PLANE.

IT WILL LAND
IN THE NEXT FIELD.

THIS WAY.

( plane engine humming )

HERE IT IS.

I'LL GIVE
THE SIGNAL.

HAVE YOU GIVEN
THE SIGNAL?

HE IS COMING
IN NOW.

STAND BY.

COME ON.

DON'T WASTE TIME.

HELLO. IS THIS
THE RIGHT PLACE?

AN ENGLISHMAN,
THANK GOD.

WHERE'S THE UNIFORMS?

I WILL ASK HIM.

I SAY, OLD CHAP,
DO YOU HAVE THE UNIFORMS?

BETTER THAN THAT.
I'VE BROUGHT THE TAILOR.

GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE.

MY NAME IS KLEIN,
FROM SOLOMON AND KLEIN.

I HAVE THE CUSTOMERS'
SUITS RIGHT HERE.

PERHAPS THE COLONEL
WOULD LIKE TO TRY HIS JACKET FIRST?

I SAY CARSTAIRS,

THIS KITE'S
ONLY GOT TWO SEATS.

I EXPECT THE TAILOR'S
STAYING BEHIND,

AND WE CAN SIT ON
EACH OTHER'S LAP ON HIS SEAT.

BAGS, I ON TOP.

OH DEAR.

SIR HAS PUT ON A BIT
OF WEIGHT, HASN'T HE?

WHERE DO YOU WEAR
YOUR HOLSTER,

ON THE RIGHT
OR THE LEFT?

THESE SHOULDERS
ARE VERY WIDE.

YES, THOSE SHOULDERS
SEEM AWFULLY WIDE.

DON'T WORRY,
THEY'RE COMING BACK.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T WORRY.
IT'S ONLY A FITTING.

WHAT TIME CAN SIR
MANAGE NEXT WEEK?

WHY DON'T WE GO BACK,

AND YOU STAY BEHIND
AND FINISH THE SUITS?

ARE YOU MAD?

IT'S ASCOT WEEK.

THE WORKROOM'S
CHOC-A-BLOC!

OFF WE GO THEN, CHAPS.

Rene:
QUICK, GIVE HIM THE PAINTING.

DON'T FORGET,
WE WANT A COPY OF THIS.

RIGHT-O.

CONTACT.

( engine starts )

WELL, IT LOOKS TO ME
THAT WE HAVE TO MEET

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IN OUR PAJAMAS.

( theme music playing )