'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 1, Episode 1 - The British 'ave Come - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( French accent )
WE NEED MORE CEMENT. WHERE IS YVETTE?

SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN
WITH YOUR WIFE, MIXING IT.

MIX--
NOT FOR ME, I HOPE.

SHE SAID SHE WOULD BRING IT
DOWN WHEN IT WAS READY.

( footsteps approaching )

YVETTE,
WHY HAVE YOU BEEN SO LONG?

HOW COULD I WALK THROUGH
THE CAFE CARRYING A BUCKET OF CEMENT?

IT IS FULL
OF GERMAN OFFICERS.

BUT THIS IS MY WIFE'S
BEST MIXING BOWL!

WHICH IS WHY
I WAS ABLE TO PRETEND



IT WAS FULL OF PASTRY.

WAS NOBODY SUSPICIOUS?

ONE OF THE OFFICERS
PUT HIS FINGER IN AND TASTED IT.

MY GOD!
WHAT HAPPENED?

HE SAID YOUR WIFE'S COOKING
WAS GETTING BETTER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM HIDING THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP.

ALSO THE PRICELESS
CUCKOO CLOCK.

IF THE GESTAPO
FIND OUT ABOUT THEM

I WILL BE SHOT!

IF YOUR WIFE FINDS OUT
ABOUT YOU AND ME,

YOU'LL BE SHOT.

WE LIVE
IN DANGEROUS TIMES.



MARIA!

GO UPSTAIRS AND STAND
BY THE DOOR.

IF ANYONE APPROACHES,
STAMP YOUR FOOT.

I NEED 10 MINUTES.

JUST TO PUT
ONE LITTLE BRICK IN?

THE PATRON KNOWS
HIS LIMITATIONS.

HE IS NOT ACQUAINTED
WITH THE ART OF LAYING BRICKS.

HE'S CERTAINLY ACQUAINTED
WITH THE ART OF LAYING EVERYTHING ELSE.

GO TO YOUR POST!

AH!

RENE, MY LOVE!

YVETTE, MY FLOWER!

- OH!
- OH!

YOU ARE THE MOST EXCITING MAN
I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

LET ME KISS YOU.
LET ME HOLD YOU TIGHT.

NO, NO,
MY CABBAGE.

IT IS GETTING HARD
AND I MUST GET IT IN IMMEDIATELY.

( knocking )

Edith:
RENE, RENE!

IT IS MY WIFE!

RENE.

THERE ARE
TWO BLACK HAND MARKS

ON THE BACK OF THE BLOUSE
OF YVETTE!

YOU CAME ALL THE WAY
DOWN TO THE CELLAR

TO TELL ME THAT?

THE HAND MARKS
ARE THE SAME SIZE AS YOUR HAND MARKS.

YES, OF COURSE
THEY ARE.

WHEN I HEAR YOU APPROACH,
I THINK IT IS THE GESTAPO.

SO I WIPE MY HANDS
ON YVETTE'S BLOUSE

SO THEY WILL NOT SEE
I AM BUILDING A WALL.

YOU THINK
OF EVERYTHING.

I HOPE SO!

I HAVE A MESSAGE
FOR YOU.

MICHELLE IS UPSTAIRS.

MICHELLE?

FROM THE RESISTANCE.
I WILL COME AT ONCE.

LAY THIS BRICK.

BUT I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE
OF LAYING BRICKS.

JUST PRETEND
IT IS A GERMAN OFFICER.

YOU DON'T THINK
SHE SUSPECTS US, DO YOU?

NO, NEVER.
I LET HER THINK

I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN THAT KIND OF THING ANYMORE.

DOES SHE BELIEVE YOU?

SHE HAS TO.

I MAKE HER SLEEP
IN THE WARDROBE.

( piano playing )

MICHELLE IS
IN THE BACK ROOM.

SHOULD I SING A SONG
TO DISTRACT EVERYONE?

NO, WE DON'T WANT
TO LOSE ANY MORE CUSTOMERS.

YOU BETTER COME
WITH ME.

PST! I WANT YOU
IN THE BACK ROOM.

( German accent )
A LITTLE NOTE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE DISCREET.

NOT YOU!
MARIA!

I WAS WONDERING WHY
I WASN'T GETTING ANYWHERE.

WHERE IS MICHELLE?

- ( French accent )
I AM HERE! - AH!

PUT THAT AWAY.

IF IT GOES OFF
IT COULD MAKE A NOISE,

NOT TO MENTION
A HOLE.

WHO IS IN THE CAFE?

SEVEN GERMAN OFFICERS
AND TWO SERGEANTS

FROM THE THIRD
PANZER GRENADIERS.

THAT IS ALL RIGHT.

WHERE ARE THE TWO
BRITISH AIRMEN?

THEY ARE HIDING
IN THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER.

AND THE FORGER?

HE IS DISGUISED
AS A PIANO PLAYER.

HE PLAYS FOR ME
WHEN I SING FOR THE CUSTOMERS.

HE IS A VERY BAD
PIANIST

BUT WHEN MY WIFE SINGS
NOBODY NOTICES.

THE CUSTOMERS STUFF CHEESE
IN THEIR EARS.

GATHER ROUND.

NOW LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY.

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

IN THAT CASE,
COULD YOU PLEASE SPEAK SLOWLY?

THERE IS NO TIME.

I HAVE INFORMATION YOU ARE
TO BE INTERROGATED BY THE GERMANS.

- WHAT?
- WHAT?

IT IS FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE.
IT IS GOOD INFORMATION.

FOR ME IT IS
THE VERY WORST INFORMATION

I HAVE EVER HEARD!

HAVE THEY BLOWN
OUR COVER?

WE HAVE NO COVER,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT!

I AM A RESTAURANT OWNER,
YOU ARE MY WIFE.

PLEASE DO NOT USE
SOPHISTICATED EXPRESSIONS

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

THEY DON'T SUSPECT
THAT WE'RE TRYING TO HIDE

THE BRITISH AIRMEN,
DO THEY?

WE DON'T KNOW.

BUT THEY ARE RUTHLESS MEN.

THEY MAY EVEN
TAKE YOUR WIFE

AND TORTURE HER
IN FRONT OF YOU.

OH, RENE!

DO NOT WORRY,

I WILL
TELL THEM NOTHING.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
THEY MAY JUST WORK ON YOU

TO DRAG OUT OF YOU
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW.

BUT I KNOW VERY LITTLE
EXCEPT YOUR NAME,

AND THE FACT
THAT WE ARE HIDING A FEW BRITISH AIRMEN.

AND THEN THERE'S
THE RADIO UNDER THE BED,

AND THE CODE BOOK.

AND IN THE CELLAR,
THE CUCKOO CLOCK

AND THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

YOU SEE, SHE REMEMBERS
MUCH MORE THAN I DO.

SHE'S THE ONE
THEY SHOULD INTERROGATE.

HERE.
TAKE THIS RING.

THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU,
BUT I DON'T WEAR JEWELRY.

IT IS HOLLOW!

SO INSIDE IS A PILL.

IF THEY TORTURE YOU,

AND YOU CANNOT
STAND THE PAIN,

CRUSH IT BETWEEN
YOUR TEETH.

I SEE,
IT IS A PAINKILLER.

YOU WILL FEEL NOTHING.

- FOR HOW LONG?
- FOREVER.

OH MY GOD,

ALL I WANT
IS A QUIET LIFE!

TAKE THAT
AND YOU'LL HAVE ONE.

ARE YOU SURE THAT
THEY WILL SEND FOR ME?

( phone rings )

HELLO, HELLO.

CAFE RENE.
IT IS FOR YOU.

'ALLO?

IT IS COLONEL VON STROHM,
WHAT SHALL I SAY?

ACT NORMALLY!

'ALLO, COLONEL.

HOW NICE TO HEAR
YOUR VOICE AGAIN.

YOU WISH
TO ORDER A TABLE?

NO?
WELL--

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COME
TO SEE US AGAIN, COLONEL?

HMM? AH?

YOU WANT ME
TO COME AND SEE YOU?

NO, NO. THIS IS
VERY DIFFICULT, COLONEL.

YOU SEE
I AM A VERY BUSY MAN.

I HAVE THE CAFE,
AND THE KITCHEN,

AND MY WIFE...

AND MY BICYCLE
HAS GOT A PUNCTURE.

I-- NO!

NO, THERE WILL BE NO NEED
TO SEND AN ARMORED CAR, NO.

I WILL BE THERE.
YES, BYE.

QUICK, MY WALKING BOOTS
AND A HAVERSACK.

AND MAKE SOME SANDWICHES.

BUT THE GERMAN
HEADQUARTERS

IS ONLY TWO MINUTES
FROM HERE!

YES, BUT I AM
HEADING FOR THE COAST.

DO NOT BE A FOOL.

IF YOU DISAPPEAR,
THEY WILL TEAR THIS PLACE APART

AND WE WILL ALL
BE SHOT.

NO, YOU MUST GO TO THEM,
AND BLUFF IT OUT.

I AM RAPIDLY
RUNNING OUT OF BLUFF.

( German accent )
HERR COLONEL, HERE, LOOK.

ALL WE NEED IS A PAIR OF PLIERS
TO TURN THE TAP,

AND A LENGTH OF RUBBER HOSE
TO CONNECT THIS OLD GAS POKER.

THEN WE HAVE A NICE WARM FIRE
WHENEVER WE WANT.

WELL DONE, HANS.
ORDER THEM RIGHT AWAY.

HERR COLONEL,
THERE IS A MAN HERE TO SEE YOU.

IS HE FROM
THE GESTAPO?

NO, HE'S FRENCH
AND HE'S VERY NERVOUS.

HERR COLONEL,
IT COULD BE THE GESTAPO PRETENDING TO BE FRENCH.

YOU ARE RIGHT, HANS,
WE MUST BE VERY CAREFUL.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

MONSIEUR... RENE.

IT'S RENE, FROM THE CAFE.
SHOW HIM IN.

THE COLONEL WILL
SEE YOU NOW.

OH, COLONEL.
WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE RECEIVED

IN YOUR WONDERFUL,
COMMANDEERED OFFICE.

I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY
OF BRINGING A FEW SIMPLE,

WORTHLESS GIFTS FOR YOU.

A BOTTLE OF
CHATEAU LAFFITE '37,

SOME RATHER GOOD CIGARS
WHICH I WAS KEEPING UNTIL AFTER THE WAR WAS OVER--

BUT AS YOU ARE DOING SO WELL
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THEM NOW--

SOME CHEESE,
A LITTLE COGNAC--

NAPOLEON OF COURSE--

AND A SMALL BOTTLE OF PERFUME
FOR YOUR ASSISTANT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
BUT I DON'T WEAR IT.

NOT YOU!
THIS ASSISTANT.

THIS BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG LADY.
THIS FINE EXAMPLE

OF GERMAN WOMANHOOD.

OH, THANK YOU.

NOW WHAT CAN I DO
FOR YOU COLONEL?

WE JUST WANT YOU TO ANSWER
A FEW QUESTIONS.

WILL THERE BE
ANYTHING ELSE, COLONEL?

- WILL THERE BE
ANYTHING ELSE, HANS? - YES, COLONEL.

WE SHALL REQUIRE
A PAIR OF PLIERS

AND SOME RUBBER HOSE.

NO, NOT THE PLIERS
AND THE RUBBER HOSE!

I WILL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING I KNOW.

IT IS SO WE CAN GET
THE GAS POKER WORKING.

NOT THE GAS POKER!

I WILL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING I DON'T KNOW.

SIT DOWN, RENE.

WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

I DON'T THINK IT'S
AS SERIOUS AS MY PROBLEM.

WE KNOW YOU HAVE
BEEN HIDING BRITISH AIRMEN

AND HELPING THEM
TO ESCAPE.

I KNOW YOU KNOW
THAT COLONEL,

BUT MAY I REMIND YOU
THAT ON YOUR BEHALF

I AM ALSO HIDING
A VALUABLE OLD PAINTING

WHICH YOU HOPE TO SELL
AFTER THE WAR?

ONE ALL.

NOT TO MENTION
A PRICELESS CUCKOO CLOCK.

TWO, ONE.

NO HANS, NO SCORE.

BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO HAND
THAT PAINTING TO THE GESTAPO.

AND THEN THEY WILL
LEAVE US IN PEACE

BECAUSE WE WILL
HAND YOU OVER AS WELL.

OH, BUT COLONEL,

THAT PAINTING WAS TO BE
YOUR PENSION AFTER THE WAR.

WITH IT YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT
YOUR OWN LITTLE BERCHTESGADEN IN THE MOUNTAINS.

IF YOU HAND IT OVER,
YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING.

AND IF YOU
HAND ME OVER--

THE CAFE WILL NOT
BE THE SAME

WITHOUT JOLLY, JOVIAL,
GENEROUS RENE,

THE LIFE AND SOUL
OF ANY PARTY.

IT IS VERY SAD, RENE.

BUT THERE IS NO OTHER
COURSE OPEN TO US.

BUT WE'VE ENJOYED
YOUR HOSPITALITY.

YES, I HAD NOTICED.

WE'VE ALWAYS REGARDED YOU
AS A FRIEND.

I LOOK UPON YOU
IN THE SAME WAY, COLONEL.

AND THE CAPTAIN...

AND THE YOUNG LADY
OUT THERE WITH THE BIG--

WE ALL THINK OF HER
AS A FRIEND.

THE LAST THING
IN THE WORLD WE WANT IS FOR YOU TO SUFFER

AT THE HANDS
OF THE GESTAPO.

YOU ARE MOST
CONSIDERATE, COLONEL.

SO I AM GOING
TO GIVE YOU THIS RING.

INSIDE IS A PILL.

CRUSH IT
BETWEEN YOUR TEETH,

AND IN ONE
AND A HALF SECONDS

YOU SHALL BE
LIKE A DEAD BEETLE.

I DON'T THINK I SHALL EVER
FORGET YOUR KINDNESS, COLONEL.

PERHAPS RENE WOULD LIKE
TO GIVE HIS WIFE ONE?

EVEN A FRENCHMAN CANNOT
THINK OF THAT SORT OF THING

AT A TIME LIKE THIS.

HERE, TAKE IT.

COLONEL...

A LITTLE IDEA IS
RUNNING AROUND IN MY BRAIN.

HOW WOULD IT BE
IF WE LET THE GESTAPO

FIND A COPY
OF THE PAINTING?

YOU HAVE A COPY
OF THE PAINTING?

NO, NO. BUT PERHAPS
ONE COULD BE MADE BY...

LET US SAY,
A FORGER.

YOU KNOW A FORGER?

IN MY BUSINESS,
YOU MEET ALL SORTS.

MIND YOU, HE WOULD
WANT PAYING.

HOW MUCH?

MONEY MEANS SO VERY LITTLE
IN THESE HARD TIMES,

BUT PERHAPS A BOTTLE
OF CHATEAU LAFFITE '37

AND SOME CIGARS
AND A LITTLE COGNAC?

WHAT ABOUT THE CHEESE?

YOU MAY KEEP
THE CHEESE.

WE COULD USE IT--

TO STUFF IN OUR EARS
WHEN HIS WIFE SINGS IN THE CAFE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,

NOW IT IS CABARET TIME
AT THE CAFE RENE.

AND TONIGHT,
TO SING FOR YOU WE HAVE...

MADAME EDITH.

( weak applause )

MY DEAR FRIENDS,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WELCOME.

ARE THERE ANY REQUESTS?

IN THAT CASE, I WILL
SING FOR YOU AN OLD FAVORITE

"UNDER THE BRIDGES
OF PARIS WITH YOU."

WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME
WITH THE CHEESE BOARD? AND HURRY.

( off-key )
♪ MY DARLING, WHY I SING THIS SONG ♪

♪ IS EASY TO EXPLAIN... ♪

OH YVETTE,
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

BUT I THOUGHT I WAS
NEVER GOING TO GET OUT OF THERE ALIVE.

QUESTION AFTER QUESTION
AFTER QUESTION.

ONLY I GAVE
NOTHING AWAY.

OH RENE,
YOU ARE SO BRAVE.

WHILE YOU WERE THERE
I LIT CANDLES.

YOU WERE
PRAYING FOR ME?

WE HAD A POWER CUT.

YVETTE, I NEVER THOUGHT
I WAS GOING TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS AGAIN.

- OH, RENE!
- OH, YVETTE!

OH, MY LOVE.

♪ UNDER THE BRIDGES
OF PARIS WITH YOU ♪

♪ I'D MAKE YOUR DREAMS
COME TRU-U-UE. ♪

HAS SHE FINISHED?

I MUSTN'T USE
GRUYERE AGAIN--

IT HAS TOO MANY HOLES.

GOOD EVENING.

IT'S HERR FLICK.

OF THE GESTAPO?

OF THE GESTAPO!

WOULD YOU LIKE
A TABLE?

NOT IN HERE.

I HAVE ORDERED
A PRIVATE ROOM.

RENE HAS RESERVED IT
FOR YOU, HERR FLICK.

WOULD YOU COME
THIS WAY?

YOU HAVE JUST MISSED
THE CABARET.

BUT NEVER MIND,

LATER I WILL SING
FOR YOU PRIVATELY.

THAT WILL NOT
BE NECESSARY.

THIS IS OUR PRIVATE ROOM,
HERR FLICK.

AND THESE ARE THE CANDLESTICKS
OF MY MOTHER.

THIS IS ADEQUATE.

I SHALL REQUIRE A BOTTLE
OF YOUR BEST WINE AT ONCE.

OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.

YOU, WILL SIT THERE.

YOU'RE SO FORCEFUL
AND DOMINATING.

IT'S VERY EXCITING.

GOOD.

BE VERY CAREFUL--

THIS IS OUR
LIFE INSURANCE.

BUT MAYBE,
ON THE OTHER HAND,

IT COULD BE
OUR DEATH WARRANT.

( footsteps approaching )

AH, MONSIEUR LE CLERC,
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

IT IS THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

CAN YOU DO
ANOTHER ONE?

THREE BIG BOOBIES?

CAN YOU FORGE
ANOTHER PICTURE?

AH!

THE SIGNATURE-- YES.

THE PAINTING-- NO.

BUT YOU ARE A FORGER.

YES, BUT NOT
OF PAINTINGS.

- MONSIEUR RENE!
- WHAT?

OTTO FLICK IS IN
THE BACK ROOM, OKAY?

AH! AND ENGLAND WILL BE
CALLING YOU IN ONE MINUTE

ON THE RADIO IN THE BEDROOM
OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.

HOW CLOSE
TO DISASTER WE LIVE

IN THIS WORLD
OF CLOAK AND DAGGER.

SHALL I
HIDE IT AGAIN?

YES, BUT DON'T BRICK IT UP,
WE MAY NEED IT LATER.

THE RESISTANCE MAY HAVE
A PROPER FORGER.

'ALLO, MAMA.

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

WHY ARE YOU KNOCKING
WITH YOUR STICK?

TO MAKE YOU HEAR ME.

ALL DAY I AM ALONE,
NO ONE COMES TO SEE ME.

WHAT KIND OF A LIFE
IS THIS

FOR YOUR POOR MOTHER?

GAZING AT THE CEILING,
AND EATING ONION SOUP.

NOTHING BUT ONION SOUP.

DO NOT LIGHT THE CANDLE
TILL I HAVE OPENED THE WINDOW!

SO AT LAST
YOU COME TO SEE

YOUR POOR, OLD,
FRAIL MOTHER-IN-LAW.

SHUT UP.

HERE IS THE LOUDSPEAKER.

- AND--
- AND--

TO THE SIDE.

AH!

GET THE CODE BOOK.

- WHERE IS IT?
- Edith: IN THE WARDROBE.

( British accent )
HELLO!

STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
EH?

HERE IT IS.

Male voice:
'Allo, Nighthawk?

Are you receiving me?
Over.

'ALLO, 'ALLO.
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK,

RECEIVING YOU LOUD
AND CRACKERLY.

PASS YOUR MESSAGE,
PLEASE.

The baby will arrive
a week early.

LOOK IT UP
IN THE CODE BOOK.

The baby will arrive
a week early.

OH MY DAUGHTER,
HEAVEN BE PRAISED.

A GRANDCHILD AT LAST.

YOU OLD FOOL!
I HAVE NOT PUT HER IN THE FAMILY WAY.

THEN WHO HAS?

( shouts )
WE ARE JUST LOOKING IT UP IN THE BOOK.

SO MANY STRANGERS,
HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

IT MEANS THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE BEING PICKED UP TONIGHT.

THAT'S A WEEK EARLY,

BUT I'LL BE GLAD
TO SEE THE BACK OF THEM.

'ALLO, 'ALLO.
YOUR MESSAGE UNDERSTOOD.

OVER AND OUT.
AND THINGS.

RENE, LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY.

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE--

THE AIRMEN MUST LEAVE
IMMEDIATELY.

WELL, THEY CANNOT LEAVE
BY THE MAIN ENTRANCE.

IT IS BEING WATCHED,
AND EVERYONE IS BEING QUESTIONED.

THEN THEY MUST LEAVE
BY THE BACK,

THROUGH THE WINDOW
OF YOUR OFFICE.

THEY CANNOT GO THAT WAY,
HERR FLICK IS HAVING HIS DINNER IN THERE.

THEN THEY MUST LEAVE
BY THIS WINDOW.

Edith:
WE HAVE NO LADDER!

WE TAKE THE SHEETS FROM THE BED
AND TIE THEM TOGETHER.

GOOD IDEA!

HOW CAN YOU TREAT
YOUR POOR MOTHER IN THIS MANNER?

IT'S VERY EASY.

AH!

NOW I WANT TO SEE
SOME GOOD TIGHT KNOTS.

YES, OF COURSE
YOU DO.

NOW MICHELLE,
BEFORE I FORGET,

WE HAVE TO MAKE A COPY
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

LET MONSIEUR LE CLERC
DO IT.

HE CANNOT PAINT.

NEITHER CAN HE PLAY
THE PIANO!

THE CUSTOMERS
BLOCK THEIR EARS.

WE HAVE NOBODY,

BUT PERHAPS WE COULD
SEND IT TO ENGLAND TO HAVE IT COPIED.

WE COULD SEND IT
WITH THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN.

YVETTE,
GO AND GET IT.

WE MUST GET THE BED
TO THE WINDOW

AND TIE THE SHEETS
TO IT.

( British accent )
COME ON CHAPS, LEND A HAND. BED TO WINDOW.

( British accent )
JOLLY GOOD SHOW.

- MAY ONE ENQUIRE WHY?
- YOU'RE GOING OUT THAT WAY.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE
DON'T KNOCK ANY SLATES OFF THE ROOF,

THE GESTAPO
ARE DOWNSTAIRS.

ROGER!

AH! OH!

I HOPE YOU ENJOY
THE FOOD AND EVERYTHING.

DO NOT
DISTURB US AGAIN.

NO, HERR FLICK.

HELGA,

I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW
THAT I HAD AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE

FOR BRINGING YOU HERE.

THIS COMES AS NO SURPRISE
TO ME, HERR FLICK.

WE ARE NOT HERE
JUST TO EAT AND DRINK.

IT IS VERY EXCITING
TO BE WITH A MAN

- WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.
- OF COURSE.

THE WAY YOU ORDERED
THE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE

SENT SHIVERS
DOWN MY SPINE.

WHY IS IT EVERYBODY
IS SO FRIGHTENED OF ME?

DEEP DOWN
I'M QUITE A SOFTIE.

DO NOT DESTROY
MY ILLUSIONS.

I DID NOT WISH TO BE
IN THE GESTAPO, YOU KNOW?

MY GODFATHER,
HEINRICH HIMMLER, INSISTED.

I'M NOT SURE
ABOUT THIS WINE.

I EXPECT THE PROPRIETOR
HAS THE BETTER BOTTLES

HIDDEN IN THE CELLAR.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT THE WINE.

IT HAS MADE ME FEEL
VERY WARM, ALL OVER.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

NOW THAT IT HAS HAD
A CHANCE TO BREATHE,

IT HAS A VERY MELLOW
AFTERTASTE.

HAS HE REACHED
THE GROUND YET?

NO...

HE'S CLIMBING BACK!

WHAT FOR?!
THE IDIOT.

HERE, I HAVE IT,
THE PICTURE.

HOW MUCH LONGER
MUST WE SUFFER

THE INDIGNITIES
OF THIS WAR?

SHUT UP.

THE DAMN SHEET'S
TOO SHORT.

COULDN'T YOU JUMP?

20 FOOT? I'M NOT
IN THE PARACHUTE BRIGADE!

- Rene: WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- THE SHEETS ARE TOO SHORT!

THEY WILL HAVE TO GO
THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

BUT THEY WILL BE QUESTIONED
BY THE GERMANS!

THE GERMANS?
( spits )

DO NOT MENTION THE GERMANS
IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER,

IT TAKES SO LONG
TO CLEAR UP.

THERE IS ONLY
ONE ANSWER,

THEY WILL HAVE TO LEAVE
DISGUISED AS GERMANS IN GERMAN UNIFORMS.

GERMAN UNIFORMS,
SHE SAYS.

WHERE DO WE GET
GERMAN UNIFORMS?

CAN YOUR GIRLS
NOT HELP US?

WELL...

YVETTE,

DEAR, SWEET, INNOCENT
LITTLE YVETTE,

YOU KNOW I WOULD NOT ASK
THIS OF YOU NORMALLY,

BUT YOU WILL BE
DOING IT FOR FRANCE.

I WILL BE DOING IT
FOR 1,000 FRANCS.

WHAT ABOUT MARIA?

SHE'LL DO IT FOR 750.

YOU SEEM TO BE
VERY MUCH ON EDGE, HERR FLICK.

I HAVE HAD A HARD DAY.

IT IS NOT EASY BEING HATED
BY SO MANY PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.

NOT WHEN YOU ARE
AS SENSITIVE AS I AM.

I THINK YOU'RE
BEARING UP VERY WELL.

NOT AS WELL AS YOU.

DOES THIS
RELAX YOU MORE?

NO.

BUT I AM ENJOYING IT.

YOU ARE ACTUALLY ASKING US
TO LEND YOU OUR UNIFORMS?

COLONEL, BELIEVE ME,
IT IS THE ONLY WAY

TO GET THE PICTURE
TO ENGLAND TO HAVE IT COPIED.

BUT COLONEL,
IF THE GESTAPO EVER FOUND OUT

THAT WE HAVE BEEN HELPING
BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE,

DO YOU NOT THINK
THEY WILL BE CROSS?

IF THEY FIND OUT ABOUT
THE STOLEN PAINTING THEY WILL BE CROSS!

LOOK! LOOK.

YOU WILL BE UPSTAIRS
WITH THE GIRLS,

AND YOUR UNIFORMS
WILL BE QUIETLY STOLEN.

AFTER A BRIEF,
BUT VERY ENJOYABLE INTERVAL,

THEY WILL BE
RETURNED TO YOU.

NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY,
COLONEL?

THE GIRLS ARE WAITING.

WILL THERE BE TIME
FOR THE FLYING HELMET

AND THE WET CELERY?

JUST!

I AGREE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, HANS?

I AM THINKING ABOUT
MY LITTLE WIFE IN BERLIN.

WHAT ABOUT MARIA
AND THE EGG WHISK?

I AM-- OH!

I AM THINKING THAT BERLIN
IS A VERY LONG WAY AWAY.

MY WIFE IS ABOUT
THE SAME SIZE AS MARIA,

HEIGHT WISE.

IT IS ALL FIXED,

BUT DON'T FORGET
THE BOOTS.

BOOTS?

I CHARGE EXTRA
FOR BOOTS!

THEIR BOOTS!

GET OUT OF YOUR TOGS,
CHAPS.

UNIFORMS WILL BE HERE
ANY SECOND.

GOOD SHOW!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THEY ARE TAKING OFF
THEIR CLOTHES,

READY FOR THEIR DISGUISE.

THEY MUST NOT REMOVE
THEIR TROUSERS

IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER.

NO, NO, NO.

IT IS WAR.

I UNDERSTAND.

I SAY!

LOOK AT THE CRUMPETS!

Michelle:
GET CRACKING, CHAPS.

DO YOU THINK
WE'VE GOT TIME?

NOT THEM,
THE CLOTHES.

YOU FRENCH PEOPLE,

YOU HAVE SOME
VERY NICE JEWELRY.

THANK YOU.

I HAVE A TRINKET
THAT IS MUCH ADMIRED.

REALLY?

MAY I SHOW IT TO YOU?

IF YOU MUST, YES.

AH, YES.

IT HAS
A PICTURE INSIDE.

LOOK.

YES, WHAT LOVELY
LONG BLOND HAIR.

YES, ISN'T IT?

UNFORTUNATELY,
HE HAD TO HAVE IT CUT OFF

WHEN HE JOINED
THE ARMY.

PST! PST!

ARE THEY READY?

THEY ARE DRESSED,
BUT THEY ARE NOT VERY REALISTIC.

OH MY GOD!

AND THEY'VE FORGOTTEN
THE PAINTING.

THE WHAT?

THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

I SAY, CHAPS,
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE PICTURE.

NO WE HAVEN'T--
WE TOOK IT OUT OF THE FRAME.

WHERE IS IT NOW?

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
TRY TO LOOK MORE GERMAN.

RIGHT-O!

GOOD NIGHT, GENTLEMEN.
COME AGAIN SOON.

GIVE MY LOVE
TO THE FUHRER.

HEIL HITLER.

- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER!

OH, CHEERIO!

CHEERIO!

- HANS?
- HMM?

THERE GO
OUR UNIFORMS.

THEY PROMISED THEM
BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

THAT WAS
10 MINUTES AGO.

HOW QUICKLY THE WAR PASSES
WHEN YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF.

THIS TIME
WITH THE GOGGLES!

( laughing )

WOO!

( theme music playing )