All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 9 - Grandpa Blues - full transcript

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great



♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, Ma, are you home?

Yeah, Mike. Hi.

I got a problem.

I did the laundry today. I must
have done something wrong.

Look at this.

Oh, that's Gloria's bra.

Yeah, I had a hunch it was, Ma.

But, uh, look, it's all stained.

Oh, well, what did
you put it in with?

Well, just some socks,
towels, my new blue shorts...

Oh, you should never put your
blue shorts in with Gloria's bra.

But that's all right,
Ma. We're married.

(GIGGLING) Oh, Mike.



What I mean is, you should
never mix coloreds and whites.

Yeah, Archie's been
telling me that for years.

Well, what should I
do with this? Well...

I'll see what I can
do. Oh, thanks, Ma.

Oh, Mike, did you pick out
a name for the baby, yet?

Yeah, well, we were
thinking if we had a boy,

we might call him Stanislaus.

T-That was my father's
name. It's Polish for Stanley.

Oh, I like the name Stanley.

That was my cousin
Claude's name.

Stanley was your
cousin Claude's name?

Yeah. Claude Stanley.

Oh, then Stanley
was his last name.

Except in the phone
book. There it was

BOTH: Stanley, Claude.

Well, it's been a
rotten day, folks.

Oh, Archie!

You're home!

Jeez, you got
wonderful eyesight.

It's Friday afternoon
and it's only 1:30.

Whoop-dee-doo, she can read
the calendar and tell the time, too.

What the hell is this?

That's Gloria's bra.

I know what it is, but
what is it doin' here, huh?

There's some things that
should never be seen in public,

and this here is two of them.

Mike was doin' the laundry,

and his blue shorts
run all over Gloria's bra.

Aw, jeez, leave
it to this prevert

to turn doing laundry
into a sex orgy.

Get that slingshot out of here.

Okay, I'll take it.

Get away from me. What is this?

That's my laundry. Oh, jeez.

When his butt ain't in
my chair, his laundry is.

Get it out of here. Sorry, Arch.

What are you doin'
home so early?

Oh, jeez, something happened at
work today that got me all unsprung.

I had to leave.

I got that Black Elmo
to take over for me,

you know, in the loadin'
dock, and I ducked out.

Archie! What happened?

Sanders, the hatchet
man down at work,

he ordered physical
checkups next Monday, see,

for two of us, the
two guys over 50,

of which I am one.

Well, who's the other man?

Oh, a guy around my own
age. Old Man Dirksmeyer.

And the word is out
that the guy that's got

the lessest amount of good
health gets the heave-ho.

Arch, if he's a guy
around your age,

how come he's Old Man Dirksmeyer

and you're not Old Man Bunker?

Because he acts like
an old man, that's why.

He walks around with his
pants baggin' in the behind,

his shoelaces are untied,

and half the time he's
unzipped to the world.

I think you're puttin'
down Dirksmeyer

'cause you're afraid that
he's in better health than you.

Get out of here!
I'm in perfect health.

Every part on me is as good as
any part of you when I was your age.

Tell him, Edith.

What's takin' you so
long? Talk, will you?

Well, I'm goin' all over you.

Oh, well, never mind!

Get off of me, that's all.

Listen, what I want
to ask you, is this.

Could I refuse to
take that medical test?

Arch, in the state of New York,

if you refuse to take
a company physical,

they could legally fire you.

You see how them
bums hide behind the law?

They just want to get
rid of us old guys over 50,

that's all, and put
us out to pasture.

But I ain't ready
to be pasteurized.

Certainly not to make room
for all these young college punks

who can't find the jobs
they was educated for.

Hey, hey, don't
blame the college kids.

Put the blame for
unemployment where it belongs,

right at the White House door.

Well, don't blame
President Ford, will you?

The man's doin' a hell of a
job for a guy nobody voted for.

Hi, Ma. Hi, Dad.
Hi, Rick. Hi, Dave.

Hi, honey. How you
doing? Hi, honey.

Hey, what'd the doctor say?

Oh, he said everything
is right on schedule.

The fetus is in the proper
position in the womb...

Oh, jeez, watch your
language, will you?

Can't you just say that...
that what-you-may-call-it there

is A-Okay?

The what-you-may-call-it there
is A-Okay, Daddy. Oh, great.

Gee, what are you doing
home from work so early?

Ah, I gotta take a
damn company physical.

Here?

Oh. Oh, no. No, at
the plant on Monday.

And your father's
worried about losin' his job.

Well, what are you worried for?

Doesn't the union
protect your job?

It didn't protect Leo
Silverforce from Sunnyside.

Get away from me.
They wanted to fire him.

They just let him go. They just
made up some excuse there.

They said he had
neurosis in his liver.

That's cirrhosis.

Whatever! It was
still a phony excuse.

They didn't have the decency
to tell him the real reason

which was that he was a lush.

Arch, the man didn't
have a leg to stand on.

He couldn't even stand on two.

But I ain't gonna stop there.

We're gonna take this
thing right up to the top.

W-W-Wait a minute, wait a
minute. What do you mean "we"?

"We... We," I mean you and me.

We're gonna sit down, we're
gonna write a letter to George Meany,

the head of the UFO-CIA.

What? Certainly, there's
the man in the country

that's most worried
about the unemployment.

Oh, poor Mr. Meany.
Did he lose his job?

No. Did you lose your marbles?

Arch, the only way that George
Meany is going to stop unemployment

is if he gets his pal Gerald
Ford to start another war.

Well, that always
worked in the past.

What are you saying?
You're in favor of a major war?

We don't have to take
on anybody real tough.

You know, we could
hit Mexico again.

We could pounce on 'em
in the middle of the day

when they're all snoozin'
under them big dopey hats.

You know, you ought to
be a military strategist?

Well, you ought to be
backin' out of a stable

'cause you're a
horse's patootie.

Archie, just to make
sure you're all right,

why don't you go see
a doctor this afternoon?

That way, if there ain't
nothin' wrong with you,

(MUMBLES) you won't
have nothin' to worry about.

And if there is
somethin' wrong with you,

the doctor can fix it
by Monday morning.

That's a good idea.
Yeah, that makes sense.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't I go to a
doctor this afternoon?

And if he don't find
nothin' wrong with me,

then I ain't got
nothin' to worry about.

And if he finds
somethin' wrong with me,

then maybe he can fix
it by Monday morning.

Oh, that's a better idea.

That makes a lot more sense.

Of course it makes sense.

Can't you folly that?

This way, Mr. Bunker.

Okay. How am I doin'
there, nursey, huh?

The doctor's checking
out your tests right now.

He'll be with you in a
moment. So, what do I do then?

Why don't you sit down?
Oh, all right. I'll sit down, there.

Mrs. Bunker, you can
come in now. Oh, thank you.

Where have you been?
What did Dr. Shapiro say?

Dr. Shapiro, he ain't here.

Shapiro's on a
two-week vacation.

He's visitin' the land
of his people, Miami.

Well, then, who
took care of you?

Jeez, his assistant.

Some young kid, looked to
be about 12 years of age there.

Gee whiz, right out of
doctor school, I suppose.

I half expected him to take my
pulse with a Mickey Mouse watch.

Well, new doctors
is the best kind.

They ain't had time to forget
what they learned in school.

Okay, let's see what
we have here. Oh, hello.

How'd I do on the
test there, junior?

Oh, don't worry.
You did neato guido!

Is he talking Latin?

Let's see. Your
blood count's normal,

heart and lungs are fine.

Uh, well, how... how about what
I'd done for you in the bottle there?

You know, the eulogy test.

Your urine is fine, too.

Oh, thank God for fine urine.

Only one thing concerns me. Huh?

Your blood pressure
is 170/98. Oh, jeez.

That's just a little high.
Let me ask you, Mr. Bunker,

are you the excitable type?
Do you get upset easily?

Oh, no, I don't do
that. No, no, ask her.

Well, only when
something upsets him.

What kind of an answer is that?

You do get upset,
Archie, we gotta tell him.

I get upset when them
young guys down at work

start harassing me
about my age, that's all.

Now, junior here
asked me a question,

I don't need the help of a talking
dingbat to give him an answer!

Stifle yourself!

You just answered my
question, Mr. Bunker.

You obviously suffer
from hypertension,

so I'm going to give you this
prescription for your nerves.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Now, I want you to go home and
relax this weekend. Just stay calm.

That's it? That's
all I gotta do?

That's it. Stay calm, huh?

That's a cinch. Thanks very
much, Doc. Let's get out of here.

Thank you, Doctor. I'll open
the door for you there, dear.

That's all right, I've got it.

I said I'd open the
door. Let me open it!

It's open. Get away
from there, will you?

What's the matter with
you? You think I'm too feeble

to open the door for myself?

Good beginning, Mr. Bunker.
Have a nice, calm weekend.

Thank you very much,
Doctor. There. There.

Come on, dear.
After you, after you.

Thank you, Doctor.
After you, dear.

ARCHIE: You had to
open your mouth in there!

(ARCHIE YELLING UNINTELLIGIBLY)

(HUMMING)

♪ Don't eat meat, ooh-ooh

♪ Cut out sweets, ooh-ooh

♪ You'll get a pain
and ruin your tum-tum

♪ Stay away from bootleg hooch

♪ When you're on a spree

♪ Take good care of yourself

ALL: ♪ You belong to me ♪

Ma, it sounds like the doctor
gave Daddy a good report.

Oh, yeah, everything's fine,

except his blood
pressure's a little high.

So we gotta help keep him
calm and relaxed all weekend.

Well, I can do it, but I'm
not leavin' town just for that.

All right, now, I want
calm in this loony bin.

Hey, Arch. How you doing? Hi,
Daddy. Here, let me take your hat.

What's goin' on?
Let me get your coat.

There you go,
Arch. Take it easy.

All right, all right.

Did you get your relaxing
pills? Yeah, I got 'em.

Five bucks for 20
little sugar bullets.

Be nice and comfortable.

Mike, would you get your
father-in-law his slippers?

Sure, Ma. And I'll get
you a nice, cold beer.

Oh, don't bother, Ma. I've seen
you do it thousands of times.

I'll get Daddy his beer.

Archie, now put your feet up.

All right, all
right. Here we go.

Oh, jeez, at these prices,
only the druggers can relax.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, look!

We mustn't let this
little piggy catch cold!

Here are your slippers, Arch.

Yeah, thank you, Meathead.

(IMITATING EDITH)
Here's your beer, Daddy!

That's my little girl.

And here's the Reader's Digest.

So you just sit
right there and relax.

What do we got here?

"High blood pressure,
the all-American killer."

How the hell am I
gonna relax with that?

Don't be doin' nothin'
for me, will you?

Just do like youse
always do around here.

Please, don't change nothin'.

Little girl, go read
somethin', huh?

Edith, knit somethin', will you?
Oh, we'll get out of your way.

Meathead, eat somethin'.

Daddy, we'll do anything
you want, as long as you relax.

'Cause we want you strong
and healthy for little Stanislaus.

Uh, Gloria...

(MUMBLING)
Don't talk about that.

What do you mean...
(IMITATING MIKE)

Who is little Stanislaus?

Archie, don't you think you
better take a relaxing pill?

Later, later, later, later.
Who is little Stanislaus?

Who'd like to hear a riddle?

Nobody in the world!
Who is little Stanislaus?

Uh, what has
four legs and flies?

Two pairs of pants.
Who is little Stanislaus?

Wrong!

It's a garbage truck!

Edith, think a minute, huh?

A garbage truck has four legs?

The driver and his helper.

Stay close to
me, Lord, will you?

How about a pill?

How about who the
hell is little Stanislaus?

Well, we were thinkin' if we had
a boy, that might be his name.

Stanislaus?

How'd you think up a
nutty name like that?

That was my father's
name. And it's a good name.

If Stanislaus is a good name, how
come he named you Meathead?

He named me Michael. You
named me Meathead. Ah.

If you was thinkin' about
naming him after a grandfather,

why didn't you pick the grandfather
who happens to be a livin' American here?

Before you get all upset, Daddy,

would you like to know the other
name we were considering if it's a boy?

What? Archie.

Oh, that's your name!

You don't say.

See, Daddy, we
didn't forget about you.

We thought we'd use
both grandfathers' names

and call him Stanislaus
Archibald Stivic.

Well, how come you didn't think
about it the other way around?

Archie Stanislaus Stivic.

Oh, Daddy, you wouldn't want
your grandchild to have those initials.

Well, it would fit the
American grandfather.

Are you callin' me an ass?

(ALL CLAMORING)

Are you callin' me... And you
got the nerve in my own home

to call me an ass. For one,
it's not my father's name!

All right, then, all right.

Get over there, and sit down
and shut up where you belong.

Sit, Daddy, sit. Yes.

Relax. I gotta be calm here.

There you are.

All right.

Stanislaus!

What the hell kind of a
middle name is "Laus"?

All one name.

What is the difference? All
the kids will call him Laus.

They'll say, "Hey, Laus, where's
the doggy you've been riding on?"

That's what they'll
be hollerin' after him.

Arch, the kids'll
call him Stanley.

They will call him Laus!

Little kids are mean and rotten.

I ought to know,
I used to be one.

Why, did they make
fun of your name? Yes!

Archibald is a nice name.

Archibald stinks!

And when the kids on the block
found out I was called Archibald,

they brung me up to the
Bronx and they left me there!

Oh, Archie. No, no more
arguments! No arguments!

I wanna tell you somethin' here.

Her and me ain't gonna
be diaperin' no Laus.

And Stanley's a
name that stinks, too.

Stanley's a name that
stinks, too, huh? Fine!

Fine, but I do not
have to listen to you!

It is up to us to
name our own child!

I don't have to stand here and
listen to your juvenile opinions!

That's all you're
gonna get out of me.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Tell him to stop opening up
his mouth, for crying out loud!

Aren't you gonna stop?
He insulted my father!

Now, my grandson...
I don't know what...

Why don't you just go out?

Ma, it's not my fault! Look,
Daddy, don't you understand?

It's not my fault he insulted my
father! That was Michael's father!

You're listening to him all the
time, Gloria. I have to, I'm his wife!

Out, out, out. Ma...

Go home and don't come
back till after Monday.

Edith! What come over you?

I never seen you
like this before.

You just threw your own pregnant
daughter right out of the house.

Oh, I know.

But the doctor says

that my husband
needs calm and quiet.

You done that for me, huh? Yeah.

Well, thanks, Edith.

But I gotta tell you,

the way you pushed the
two of them out the door,

you put me in mind of an Irish
bartender at 3:00 in the mornin'.

Why didn't you let 'em stay here at
least until I could win the argument?

Oh, because I'm your wife

and I'm supposed
to keep you healthy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, sit back down here...

You were terrific
there, really... and relax,

and take your pill. Yeah.

And... And don't worry no
more about losin' you job.

Oh, well, come on.
You can't blame me

for worrying about
losing my job.

Jeez, a lot of old guys are
getting laid off nowadays.

I don't want to wind up on a
park bench feedin' the pigeons.

Or maybe stealin'
from the pigeons.

Now, put this over
you. Put your feet up.

Oh, all right, Edith. Yeah.

There, now. Ain't that comfy?

Take your pill.
Yeah, take a pill.

And you're gonna come out better
on the test than Mr. Dirksmeyer.

You're a good wife to me, Edith.

Oh, you're a good husband.

Well, you deserve
every part of me, Edith.

I still gotta beat
out Dirksmeyer.

Well, then again, he's
got awful feet, you know?

Could a guy die from that?

Oh, Archie, don't
think about that now.

Just relax and be quiet.

You wanna go upstairs?

In the daylight, Edith?

What?

Oh!

Oh, I didn't mean that.
Yeah, I know, I know.

You wanna?

Hiya, there, Doc! Top
of the mornin' to you!

Hey, hey, it's a great
day to be alive, huh?

Where do I sit?
Here's the chair.

Where do you want the chair,
Doc? Here, there, anyplace. Where?

I suggest on the floor.

On the floor. You got it, Doc.

A. Bunker here, reportin'.

Ding dong.

I am Dr. Ferguson,
Stanley Ferguson.

Stanley Ferguson. Oh, I
always loved that name Stanley.

Doc, I... I seen Old Man
Dirksmeyer leavin' the building.

Gee, he looked kind of green around
the grills, like he was gonna barf up.

I hope he gets through
the front door in time.

Let's find out about
you, Mr. Bunker.

Your doctor has
forwarded me his findings.

The only question seems to
be your, uh, blood pressure.

Oh, well, listen, Doc,
I'm in great shape.

Hey, you should have seen me
runnin' up them steps out there.

There are only two.

Yeah, right. I took 'em
both at the same time.

Now, Doc, I'm over 50
as you can certainly see,

but I am certainly
not over the hill.

Well, I hope not. I'm 71.

Get out of here.

Seventy-one. Seventy-one?

Jeez! Well, I mean, I
would have said 70, but...

Doc, remember, us senior
citizens, we gotta stick together

and stay in there
punching, you know?

Right. I can't
afford to get old.

I play a very rotten
game of shuffleboard.

All right, now let's see if we
can get this pressure down a bit.

Oh, yeah. I tell you, relax,

I want you to think
happy thoughts.

You're out on a beautiful lake.

You're fishing. Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh, and you're
living in a world

where your age doesn't
count against you.

Oh, jeez. If only, Doc, if only.

Good, good.

In a world where all
men live in brotherhood,

blacks and whites
and... in peace,

mixing free...

Bunker, your... your...
Your pressure is rising!

Oh, that don't
mean nothin', Doc.

I'm just holdin'
back a burp here.

It'll do it every
time. All right.

I'm gonna put you down. 168/95.

Is that good? Well, it's high
normal, but it'll keep you your job.

Oh, jeez, that's
the main thing, Doc.

Boy, what a relief that is.

Hey, hey. This is swell of you.

Well, if nobody else is going
to take care of us old-timers,

we've got to do it ourselves.

Yeah, you said it, Doc.

Listen, you're a swell
guy, I wish you the best.

May you always have
a steady flow of invalids.

Uh, how did Old Man
Dirksmeyer check out?

Oh, well, I... I couldn't
do much for Dirksmeyer.

He's got problems.
Oh. Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, well. I'll tell the
guys on the loadin' dock

to get ready to throw him
a nice going-away party.

Yes. Okay, Doc,
thank you very much.

Say, Doc, don't forget that we
tee off tomorrow morning, 6:00 a.m.

Hey. Hi, there, Mr. Sanders.
Well, hello, Bunker.

How'd you make out with
the Doc? Oh, swell, swell.

I've come through
with flying colors there.

I ain't hardly got any
blood pressure at all.

Well, congratulations.

Uh, uh, what do you
think of poor Dirksmeyer?

Yeah, I just saw him leavin'.

Hey, Doc, what was the
final determination on him?

Ulcers. Oh, ulcers.
Ain't that too bad?

He can't be on the
loadin' dock no more.

That's rough, ain't it?

Rough? What's rough about that?

He'll be eligible now for his
union disability retirement,

the social security,
medical insurance,

probably all tax-free.

Not to mention our new
company pension plan.

Puttin' those together,

Dirksmeyer's gonna be clearin'
more dough sittin' on his butt

than he ever made workin' here.

Doc, you all through with
him? Yes, yes, all through.

Hey, Bunker, you better get
down on the loadin' platform.

With Dirksmeyer off the job, we're
gonna be shorthanded down there.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.