All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 10 - Gloria Suspects Mike - full transcript

Gloria, now in her seventh month, is feeling unattractive. Added to that is the fact that Mike is tutoring an attractive young woman in Economics and suspects that something else might be going on. That night, when Mike goes to tutor the woman, they both become mutually attracted to one another leading to a kiss. Meanwhile, Archie gets an idea to trap Mike in a confession. Knowing that he can't hold his wine, Archie decides to try and liquor him up as a truth drug. They both get drunk and right before Mike confesses, Archie passes out, missing the part where he confesses that he simply got up and left the woman's apartment.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪


Hey, Edith.



Shh! What?

Is the coast clear? Yeah, yeah.

Nobody in the kitchen there? No.

No. Did you get it? I got it.


Here we are, sweetie.
Pushchair. Oh!


Oh, my... Look here, huh.

Oh! Oh, they're
gonna be so surprised.

Did you push this all
the way from the store?

No, I jumped in
and drove it home.

Oh, they're gonna love it.

This is the carriage they wanted
only it was too expensive for 'em.

You're telling me. I laid
out over $100 on this thing.

That's a hell of a lot of money to
spend on a kid you don't even know yet.

But it's got all the latest
features here. Wait till I show you.

Startin' here.

There's a sun visor,
see? For the sun.

Okay. Over here.

See, this whole thing it
collapses right... Ow, jeez!


Get away! Get away
from it, let me show you.

Now, the hood.
It closes over here

when the sun is coming
from that direction.

Oh, yeah!

Okay, down in there
you got a mattress

that's waterproof
because babies ain't.

Over there you got a
pocket for the milk bottle

when she's wheelin'
him through the park.

Oh, Gloria won't need that for
a while, she's gonna breastfeed.

In the park?

With all the creeps
staring at her dairies?

Yeah. Look at this.

That's a net against bugs.

Oh, yeah!

'Cause we want a baby
buggy, not a buggy baby.


GLORIA: Ma, are you there?

It's Gloria.

We gotta hide the carriage.

Ma, the door's locked.

Yeah, I know. I'll
be there in a minute.

Where, where, where,
where? Oh, the closet.

No, no. The moths ain't
even got room in that closet.

Come on. In the kitchen.

Oh, no, no, no. She'll
go in the kitchen.

Yeah, with the Meathead
with her, she sure will.

Where? Come on, where?

The cellar. All right,
the cellar. The cellar.

Gee, the kid isn't even here yet

and already he's givin'
me a nervous breakdown.

The cellar door. The door.

The door, the door, the door.

Be careful! Here.

Coming, Gloria!

There. Hi.

Ma, what took you so
long to unlock the door?

Uh, I was puttin'
somethin' away.

How do you feel?

Like it should say,
"Goodyear" right across here.

But you look beautiful.

How's Mike?

Who wants to talk about him?


Gloria, come on in the kitchen
and have a cup of coffee.

Yeah, you sit right down there

and tell me what's wrong.

I'm fat and ugly.

Oh, Gloria.

You ain't ugly.

Yeah, but I'm fat.

Fat, fat, fat.

Oh, that's just baby fat.



Ma, Michael was finally gonna take
me to see Gone with the Wind tonight,

but now he's gotta stay
home and tutor Linda Galloway.

Oh, but she has her
lessons on Mondays.

And this is Friday.

Well, she suddenly decided that
she needs two lessons a week.

Oh, my.

Oh, I guess she's only half as
smart as she thought she was.

She doesn't have to be smart.

She might have a C minus
brain but she's got an A plus body.

Oh, Gloria, you
don't have to worry.

You've got an A plus body, too.


Yeah, it's under
here, somewhere.

Hey, Gloria, where are you?

I'm in here, honey.

Maybe Linda canceled her lesson.

Hi, Ma. Oh, hi.

Mike, you look nice. Thanks, Ma.

You smell good, too. Thanks.

Gotta run. I'll be home
around 10:00, okay?

Where are you goin'?

I'm going over to Linda's place.

Why isn't she comin' to our
place like she always does?

Oh, she called me.
She says she doesn't

like goin' out on the
streets late at night.

You understand.

Oh, honey. Hey! Tell you what.

I'll take you out
tomorrow night, okay?

I love you. You're so fat!

EDITH: Bye, Mike.

I'm beginnin' to wonder if Linda
is takin' lessons or givin' 'em.

What kind of lessons
could she give him?


Oh, Gloria.

Mike loves you.

All he's doin' is earnin'
a little extra money.


Oh, excuse me. There's
someone at the door.


Get me the hell out of here!

Oh, that's Glo... That's Archie!

Oh, Archie, you must
have locked yourself in.

must have locked yourself in.

With all kinds of help from you.

Oh, well, what was
you doin' in the cellar?

I was refereein'
a cockroach fight.

What the hell do you think
I was doin' down there?

Oh, never mind that. I see
her here. All right, all right.

How, you doin', little girl?



What's the matter with you now?

Well, Mike had to go over
to Linda Galloway's house.

Linda Galloway? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, oh, yeah. The little blonde.

What did he have
to go over there for?

To give her her lesson.

Lesson in what,
I'd like to know.


Oh-ho-ho and whoop-dee-doo.

I smell somethin' stinko
in the city of Denmark.

What, what, what?

Oh, uh... Oh,
uh, listen, Gloria.

Hey, cheer up, little girl. Listen,
don't worry about nothin' like that.

I mean, after all,

the Meathead has
his faults, God knows.

But one thing he is,
he ain't a girl chaser.

There, you see?
Your father's right.

Why don't you get
ready for the movie.

I'll go with you.

I'd love to see Gone
With The Wind again.

Yeah? Aw, jeez,
I hate that picture.

Hurry up.

Okay, Ma. I'll be
ready in 10 minutes.

Well, now, listen, little girl.

Remember what
I told you in here.

You don't have to worry
about your husband

'cause as far as he's concerned,

you're the only girl
in the world for him.

Bye. Yeah, now
remember that, huh?

That prevert's messin' around.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

No. No. all Mike's
doin' is tutoring Linda.

Yeah, he sure is tootin' her.

Oh, no, Archie.

Well, you got no proof.

Oh, I know that. But I'm
gonna get proof tonight

when you're away at the movie.

I'm gonna have him over here
and I'm gonna pour wine into that guy

'cause wine hits him
like a ton of bricks.

And that will get
the truth out of him.

In vino veritas, as the ancient
Jews was always saying.

Archie, no.

No, I can't believe

that Mike would
do nothin' wrong.

You don't understand nothin'.
Gloria's in her seventh month.

That means, for him,
the playground is closed.

And he's gotta look for
some other place to swing.

Can't you graps that notion?


Yeah, coming.


You didn't let me finish.



Handsome, intelligent, and
you've got, uh, rhythm, too.

If you're buckin' for an
A, that's the way to get it.

Uh, well...

Well, come... come
on in. Yeah, hi.

Now, have a seat
and be comfortable.

Yeah. Thank you.

It's a very nice
place you got here.

Thank you.

Uh, tonight we're gonna concentrate
on, uh, interpreting statistics.

Oh, I... I love your artwork.

A very nice Picasso,

and the Chagall is beautiful.

Did you see this
one? It's my favorite.

Oh, yeah. I just
love it. It's a Lautrec.

Nice. It has lovely,
lovely contour

and just beautiful shape.

Yes, it's not a
bad shape there...

Uh, what do you say we
get to work, huh? Okay.

Oh... Excuse... Excuse me. We
were both goin' in the same direction

and, uh, we bumped...

Would you, uh, would you
like to take off your jacket.

Would you be more comfortable?

Yeah, yeah, that would be nice.

Here, you can take the jacket.

Oh, you're wearing
that sweater I like.

did you... You like this?

Yeah, don't you remember?
I told you once after class.

No, uh, I... I don't...
I don't remember.

Yeah, I said that
you really look nice.

You said, "Macho."

Oh, did I? Yeah.

Well, you do. You
look very macho.

And very nice.

Let's get down to work, huh?

Okay, now, tonight,
uh, like I said,

we're going to be
interpreting statistics and, uh...


Was I sitting over here before?

Uh, no. You were
sitting over there,

but if you wanna sit
over here, it's fine.

No, no, I'll... I'll
sit over here. It's...

It's better. It's
closer to the book.

It's better to be
closer to the book.

Uh, now, the important
thing about statistics is that

they are not as
difficult as they seem.

If you just take it one
step at a time, you'll do fine.

It's... It smells very nice.

Very nice... W-What... What
kind of perfume are you wearing?

I'm not wearing any perfume.

It smells awfully good.

Oh, it's me.

It's my cologne. I
thought it was you.

Hey, but, uh, you smell...

Uh, probably good, too.

All right, uh, now, uh...

W-What was I saying?

You were talking
about statistics.

Right, right, right.

What was I sayin'
about statistics?

Are you having
trouble concentrating?


Is there something on your mind?

Uh, what do you mean?

What would... What's on my mind?

Well, tonight... Actually,
for the past few weeks,

you haven't been able
to finish a sentence.

Well, the reason for that... I mean, that's
because... I mean, what do you mean?

And, uh, you're acting, uh,

terribly charming
and making jokes.

And, uh, you smell awfully good.

And you seem to
be coming on to me.

Like you're trying to
turn me on, and if you are,

I just wanna let you
know that it's all right.

You think that I'm
trying to turn you on?

(STUTTERING) Linda, is that
what you... That's ridiculous.

I mean, why would I
wanna turn... I mean,

I'm a married man. I
got a baby on the way.

I mean, why would you wanna
think that I would turn you... Did I?


Well, I... I... I wasn't trying
to, really. Believe me, Linda.

Where are you goin'?
Where are you goin'?

Uh, Linda, uh...

I, uh... I, uh, have
a baby at home

and a wife on the way.

You know, the interesting
thing about statistics

is that very often...

Statistically, three out of every
five people who... Oh, my God.


Okay, okay. Here I am.

I'm openin' the
door for you now.

I, uh, got your note you
left on our refrigerator door.

I figured you'd find it there.

Come on in.

What do you want?

Well, you know, I
thought to myself,

well, the girls are out
seeing Gone With The Wind,

and they're gonna be away,
you know, for a little while,

so, uh, I thought maybe you
might be lonesome over there

for some intelligent

With whom?

Can't you be nice?

Arch, it's a long movie.

Yeah, I know, well, there's a lot
of Coloreds in it and they talk slow.

So much for
intelligent conversation.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. I didn't mean nothin' by that.

Come on, come
on. Take it easy, huh.

Sit down. Sit down over here.

Take a load off
your feet. Listen.

You know, you're gonna be a
father in a couple of months here.

So, it suddenly hit me,

I'm gonna be a grandfather
at the same time.

That's the way it works, Arch.

Yeah, life is funny, huh?

Yeah. So, I thought,
what better time

to have a little toast

with you and me. Right, Michael?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.


Yeah. That's
your name, ain't it?

Oh, I know what
you're thinkin'. Listen.

The Meathead days are over.

Eh? Here into for,

I'm gonna call you Michael.

And you know what you're
gonna call me? What?


Well, at least dad, eh?

You want me to call you dad?

Yeah, well, you call
your mother-in-law, Ma.

Huh, that's all right.

Hey, Arch. Dad, Dad,
will you take it easy there?

Yeah. Wine always hits
me like a ton of bricks.

I never knew that.

Now, our first toast is
gonna be to your son

and my grandson, and
may he only be a boy.

Down the hatch.

ARCHIE: Oh, that's better.


♪ Bless 'em all, bless 'em all

♪ The long and the
short and the tall ♪

You know, I can't
believe it, Dad.

You know, I don't feel a thing.

We drank practically
almost two bottles.

I don't feel a thing.

Hey, I just made
room for some more.


Now, come on.

We're gonna have a
toast, so get on your feet.

What are we toasting?
Get on your feet.

What are we toasting?
I wanna make a toast

to the greatest country
on the face of the Earth.


You really like
Poland, huh, Dad?

You know, if it
wasn't for Poland,

the war wouldn't have
one of the things they got.

Which is what? Polacks.

Say, "Polish people," Dad.

"Polish people, Dad."

Hey. All right.

Now, hold it. Ooh!

I'm gonna now toast

the President of the United
States and the great man he is.

Richard M. Ford.

And his beautiful wife, I don't
give a damn what she says,

Lady Bird.

No. Hey, wait a minute, Dad.

Mrs. Ford isn't a Lady
Bird, she's a thunderbird.

Funny? No, no. That
ain't right, though.

No, you're awful
loaded. You know that?

Yeah, you better sit down.
Give me a hand. Here you go.


All right.

Now, I wanna make
another toast to you, buddy.

To me? Yes, siree.

To the finest son-in-law that ever
married his way to a dinner table.

We all love you.

And we respect you.

And we trust you.

Hey, Dad.

Could I tell you about
somethin' that happened tonight?

What time tonight?

When I was tutorin' Linda.




You really went for
that little doll, didn't you?

Yeah, she's nice.

Yeah, I know.

And you went over to
her apartment tonight.

And the two of
you, Linda and you,

youse was intricate together.

Come on, now. You
can tell your old Dad.

Well, she was
awfully attractive.

And, uh, she did encourage me.


You know, I didn't...
I didn't realize it,

but I guess I was asking for it.

But when the chips were down,

I thought to myself,
"What am I, crazy?"

I mean,

I got a wife that I love,

and a baby on the way.

W-What am I gonna do? Am I...
Am I gonna throw all that away?

So before anything happened,

I jumped up

and I got the hell out of there.



Da... Dad.


Look at that.

Poor daddy went sleepy by.

Yeah. Well.

Good night, Daddy.

Good night.

Good night.

♪ Oh, my pa-pa

♪ To me he was so wonderful

♪ Oh, my pa-pa ♪



It's okay, Ma. I'll look
for work tomorrow.

(GROANING) Aw, jeez.

There you are, Archie.

Get that stuff away from
me. It binds me up for days.

Archie, why did you
have to drink so much?

You know wine does that to you.

Don't yell, please.

And what was you doin'
sleepin' in the hall closet?

I thought I was an overcoat.

Leave me alone, will you? I
got a headache on this side.

Do you wanna give me
another one over here?

You should be thinkin' of how
we're gonna explain to our little girl

that... that her husband was
infidelicate with another woman.

I don't believe it.

I think you were so drunk
you didn't hear Mike right.

Oh, I told you what I heard.

That last thing he said was
that she encouraged him on.

And he went for her.

And then for some reason Eddie
Fisher was singin' Oh, My Pa-Pa.

Oh, Ma.

Gloria, what's the matter?


When I got home last
night from the movie,

I found Michael in
the shower, singing.

Don't yell, please!

Well, Mike always
sings in the shower.

Not with his clothes on.

And he was drunk.

Oh, I know that, Gloria.

He was with your father.

They got drunk together
while we was at the movies.

Didn't Mike tell you?

I wanted to talk to
him this morning,

but he ran out before breakfast,

and I don't even
know where he is.

Jeez, that guy in heat makin'
house calls on the neighbors

or something like that.

Oh, Archie. Archie,
that ain't true.

Don't you believe that, Gloria.

Hey, Gloria, I got a
big surprise for you.

Don't yell, please.

I don't want a
surprise, Michael.

I wanna talk to you.

Honey, what's the
matter? Michael?

You say that you've been
tutoring Linda Galloway.

And I wanna believe you.

But you told me that she's
paying you for those lessons,

and I've never seen
any of that money.

And we haven't made
a bank deposit in weeks.

Honey, honey.

That's what I've been
doing with the money.

I'm saving it for the big
surprise I'm about to show you.

Hold on a second, I got it.

Here it is, honey.

Michael. Isn't that nice?


Oh, honey, it's beautiful.

It's the one we wanted to buy.

Look, Archie.

Why did you have to bring
that up from the cellar...

Michael. Well, yeah.


I love you!

Oh, let's take it home

and put it up in the
baby's room now. Okay.

Oh, Ma!

Bye, Daddy!


What happened to you now?

The headache went into my eye.

Bye, Arch! There
goes the other eye.

jeez, it's in the collarbone.

Archie, what are we gonna
do with the carriage we bought?

I don't know. You better
hope they have twins.

Maybe we could take it back to the
store and exchange it for a bassinet.

Don't be ridiculous, Edith.

The kid can't learn to play
one of them things till he's 13.

the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.