All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 8 - Edith Breaks Out - full transcript
Archie comes home to an empty house, no Edith, no dinner and no beer in the fridge. Edith comes home and starts preparing dinner, telling Archie that she has been volunteering at a nursing home. She feels a sense of pride that she is doing something fulfilling but Archie is angry that it is taking her away from the home. She insists that the volunteer work is important but Archie determines to put her in her place. Edith won't be put in her place and an argument breaks out with Archie trying to control her and Edith standing her ground. He tries to leave but she leaves first. Later, when she comes back, Archie takes her out to dinner and surprises him by telling him that she isn't volunteering at the home anymore because they have offered to pay her for her services.
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
♪ Songs that made the hit parade
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
♪ Those were the days
♪ And you knew
where you were then
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man
♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
♪ Didn't need no welfare state
♪ Everybody pulled his weight
BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great
♪ Those were the days ♪
Edith.
I'm home, Edith.
You up there in the library?
Aw, jeez, I hate an empty house.
No beer!
Fifteen minutes after
6:00 and she ain't even...
Who the hell am I calling?
(GROANS)
Time to read some
more tragedies.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, Archie. Oh, my goodness.
When did you come in?
Just before this Road
Runner cartoon started.
Well... Well, dinner will
be a little late. I'm sorry.
I was doing my... my Sunshine
Lady work at the home for the aged.
Ah, jeez, I told you to stay
away from that home, Edith.
You're liable to bring back
some old-time disease.
Oh, Archie, the only disease
them poor people got is old age.
That's your
biggest killer, Edith.
Reverend Felcher says
that us Sunshine Ladies
are bringin' hope
to the hopeless
and cheer to the cheerless.
What about some
beer for the beerless?
Oh, Archie! You know
what happened today?
Mr. Belfield tied his shoelaces.
Big deal. So did I.
But Mr. Belfield is 88 years old
and he ain't tied his
shoelaces for seven years.
But today he did it for me.
Oh, my. All the other
patients started applauding.
I bet they'd bring down the
house if he ever combed his hair.
He don't have none.
But Mr. Belfield got so excited
he knocked the glass off the
table that had his teeth in it.
And when he stooped to
pick it up, his glasses come off,
and I said, "Mr. Belfield,
I'll pick up your teeth."
But he couldn't hear
me 'cause his hearing aid
was in the stem of his glasses,
which was under the bed.
So he got down on his
hands and knees himself.
Oh, and the poor thing,
he could straighten himself
up on account of his arthritis,
so it took me and three other
Sunshine Ladies to lift him into his bed
and flatten him out.
You nearly killed a man
forcing him to tie his shoes.
Oh, no, he was grateful.
And he said he was gonna
tie 'em again tomorrow,
if they don't put
him back on slippers.
Maybe they ought to put him
on roller skates, speed him up.
Oh, Archie, some of
them people are so lonely.
They ain't got nobody.
Their families just
wanna forget they're alive.
Well, I think I
know a certain wife
that wants to forget
her husband is alive.
You didn't even ask
me how was my day.
Oh, how was your day?
Whoa! Finally she
gets around to it.
Well, it wasn't a bad day.
In fact, we had
a million laughs.
You know, Stretch Cunningham, he comes
in this morning, this is what he does.
He goes into the can and he
tapes the roll of towels, see,
in such a way that the roll spins
around but no towels come off.
Now... Oh, Archie!
Guess who went through the
shower today without her walker?
Mrs. Freidman.
And all because I was giving her a pep
talk all week about getting confidence.
I said, "Mrs. Freidman,
"you can go to the shower all
by yourself if you really want to."
And guess what? She did.
Whoop-dee-doo!
Edith, I'm trying to tell
you about my day, here.
Oh, I thought you was finished.
No, I wasn't finished. I didn't
even come to the funny part,
which is when Black
Elmo goes in there
and he starts spinnin'
around the towel roller
but the towels
don't come off, see.
Maybe they forgot to
take the wrapper off.
There was nothing
about a wrapper!
It was all done with
the Scotch tape, Edith,
and it was funny, I
thought. Oh, yeah.
(GIGGLING)
What a lousy laugh.
You know, you're losin' all your sense
of humor goin' over to that old folks home
and working with all them
back numbers over there.
Listen, Edith, when you signed
on as Mrs. A. Bunker 26 years ago,
you signed on for a
permanent job here.
Oh, but, Archie, I
enjoy what I'm doing.
You enjoy diving under a
bed for an old baldo's teeth?
Well, it gives me
a purpose in life.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You got a purpose in life.
Let me tell you something,
Edith. You are my what?
Wife.
Yeah, and we live in a what?
House. Yes.
Now, put them two things
together, what have you got?
Wife house.
No, no, you dingbat! Housewife.
And your purpose is the care
and feedin' of your husband.
And your husband
cares to be fed now.
Dinner, dinner,
dinner. Oh, yeah.
You see it was frozen. You
see it was frozen when I put it in.
Oh, on top of everything else,
she's giving me one of
them embalmed dinners.
Just remember, Edith,
charity begins at home,
and your biggest
charity case is me.
You're away working all day
and so are Mike and Gloria,
and that leaves me all
alone here with nothing to do
and nothing to look forward to.
What're you talkin' about?
You're supposed to look
forward to me comin' home
and tellin' you about my day.
But your days are all the same.
Stretch Cunningham
always does something funny,
like today, he glued the
paper napkins together.
They wasn't paper napkins!
He didn't glue
'em, he scotched...
Stop that when
I'm talking to you.
You gotta quit all of
this Sunshine work.
Any sunshine you got, you
spread over your husband only.
That's it.
(MUMBLES)
That's it.
But, Archie, the time I
spend helpin' old people
don't take no time
away from you.
Well, it makes me think you
don't care about me no more.
Oh, Archie, that ain't true.
(GIBBERING)
Dear Abby says,
"Love ain't how much time
a couple spends together,
"but what they do with their
time they spend together."
Will you control yourself?
We're in the kitchen.
Oh, Archie, see,
what I'm doing is useful
and it makes me feel
like I ain't wastin' my life.
Wait a... Wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Being married to A.
Bunker is wasting your life.
No, Archie! Oh, I love being
with you, Archie Bunker.
But you see, you got
your own work to do.
See, and I got
nothin' and I get bored.
Listen, Edith,
gettin' bored is a very
big part of being married.
Archie, before we was married,
you promised me a life
full of fun and excitement.
No, I ain't promise you nothin'.
Oh, yes, you did. And...
And I got proof of it.
In your own words. I
found some old letters.
Aw, jeez... When I was
helpin' Mike and Gloria move.
You wrote 'em to
me in the service.
Now, listen, don't hold
me to anything in there.
A soldier writes a lot of
things in the heat of battle.
The bombs bustin' in the air and the
stink of death starin' him in the face.
You wrote this from
Fort Riley, Kansas.
And Fort Riley was
pretty stinko, too.
Don't read it to me.
"Dear Edith... She
reads it anyhow.
"I'm sittin' here under
a oak tree in Kansas
"hopin' you are not sittin'
under a apple tree in Queens
"with nobody else but me,
like the song says. Ha... ha."
You put the "Ha...
ha" in capital letters.
That's 'cause it's
supposed to be funny.
You're supposed to laugh there.
Oh. "I..." Why aren't
you laughin' now?
Uh, ha... ha.
"I hope you will be waitin' for
me when I come marchin' home
"and the world is
safe from democracy."
Now, this is the part.
"I want you to walk
with me hand in hand
"into the sea of matrimony.
"And I promise you'll
never have a dull minute
"with your ever-loving Archie."
Oh, what're you tryin' to tell
me? That life now with me is dull?
Archie, when you was
courtin' me, it was lots of fun
and always full of surprises.
Like Friday nights,
you used to take me to that Chinese
restaurant Hop Sings for chow mein.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And you used to give the
waiter them funny orders,
like egg roll over easy.
(CHUCKLES)
And... And Robert Fu Yung. Yeah.
And wonton soup
with no starch in it.
Oh, and then, you always
used to say to the waiter,
"Bring us our
fortune cookies now
"cause I...
BOTH: "Wanna see how
much the bill is gonna be."
That one had 'em
layin' on the floor.
Oh, Archie, you was
always so romantic.
Edith, don't start. I can't
do nothin' when I'm hungry.
Oh, them days was so much fun.
What do you mean by that?
You mean it's no fun now?
Wasn't you just sittin' on
my lap there a minute ago?
Why do you got to go running to the
old people's home lookin' for thrills?
Oh, I ain't lookin'
for thrills, Archie.
It's just that things
ain't the same no more.
The world was better
when it was the same!
I got to be busy
doin' somethin' useful.
What do you mean useful?
Useful, what's useful?
Givin' shoelace lessons? Pushin'
old lady Freidman into the showers?
I'll tell you what's useful.
For a wife, it's
useful to be home.
That's when a wife
is useful. Home.
The problem with the world is
that women ain't home no more.
Let me ask you somethin'
there, Florence Nightingown.
How much are they paying
you for all this Sunshine?
Nothing. Oh, nothin'.
And that's exactly
what it's worth. Nothin'.
'Cause if it was worth somethin',
they'd pay you somethin'.
Now case closed, Edith.
I ain't gettin' paid nothin'
'cause I'm a volunteer.
Well, will you kindly volunteer
to get dinner on that table?
No.
I ain't gettin' dinner on the
table until you take that back.
Take what back? What you
said about my work being nothin'.
It's helpin' people.
And... And I think people
helpin' people is important.
Look at the way
it's got you here.
You're startin' to cry,
dear. Now don't do that.
Edith, you know
I can't take that.
I ain't gonna take it!
Get on the blower here and I'm
gonna call that Reverend Fletcher.
Felcher. Whatever!
And I'm gonna tell him that night
just fell on one of his Sunshine Girls.
Oh, no, no, please
don't do that...
Oh, you d-don't want me to talk to
him. Now, you talk to him yourself.
No, I won't. Edith,
Edith, that was an order.
I ain't takin' no orders.
You ain't what?
I ain't takin' no orders.
I can be a Sunshine
Lady if I wanna be.
(SOBBING)
And I wanna be and I am!
You whipped that
phone out of my hand
and smashed it down like that?
You are in trouble, Edith.
You are in big trouble.
No, you are.
'Cause I ain't gettin'
your dinner on the table
until you take
back what you said!
Well, I ain't takin'
back nothin'!
Let me tell you somethin'.
What I said goes!
And you don't got to get
no dinner on the table for me
'cause I'm goin'
down to Kelcy's.
Oh, no! No, no!
You ain't gonna slam
this door in my face
because this time it's
gonna be your face!
And I'm gonna be the slammer!
ARCHIE: Is that you, sweetheart?
Hey, you ready for your
welcome home kissy?
If you insist, Arch.
Get out of my face, you!
What are you doin'
eavesdrippin' over my house?
Ma asked me to
drop off the cleaning.
Is she coming home?
Well, why don't you ask her?
Because I'm mad at her.
Oh, is that why you came
runnin' down the stairs
for your big welcome home kissy?
I figured she was
gonna apologize.
Arch, what is wrong with Ma
doin' somethin' that she enjoys?
She is supposed to enjoy
here. This house and me.
And not stayin'
overnight with youse two.
Get out of here. Wait
a minute, get over here.
You see this here?
The Holy Bible, buddy.
The Good Book. You
know what it says in there?
It says that a woman should
cleave into her husband.
Right here, in this house, is
where Edith's cleavage belongs.
Is that the Gospel
according to Archie Bunker?
No, buddy, first
chapter of Generous.
I'll tell you something
else the Good Book says.
Man was created first because
he's supposed to be the boss.
And you know why a
woman was created?
'Cause Adam got tired
of dancing with gorillas.
Get away from me!
Arch, you can't force
a woman to stop living.
Give me one sensible reason
why Ma has to be here all day? Ah!
I'll make it easier for you.
Give me one stupid reason.
Suppose we had
goldfish, they'd die.
That's stupid enough. You
wanna know the real reason?
No. You're jealous.
What? That's right.
Oh, what're you talkin' about?
Jealous of an 88-year-old baldo
who hears through
his eye glasses
and loses his teeth
when he ties his shoes?
Arch, you are jealous because
all of Ma's attention isn't on you.
Ah, let me tell you
somethin' here, Professor.
When you've been sailin'
the ragin' seas of matrimonials
as long as me,
you'll understand that a
husband is the captain of the ship
and a wife is a deckhand.
And when a husband, the captain
says, "Shove up," the deckhand shoves.
You better be careful that the deckhand
doesn't tell you to shove your ship.
Are you back?
Gloria wants a loaf of bread.
You want me to
get it, Ma? I'll get it.
Well, I could sure
go for a cold beer.
Then go for it.
Hey, uh, Captain,
when are you gonna tell
the deckhand to shove off?
When are you gonna shove off?
Don't I get a goodbye kissy?
Get out of here and
don't you come back!
Wait, wait. Wait, wait a
minute. Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I... I wanna tell you somethin'.
What?
I hung up the dry cleaning.
Wait! Wait a minute,
I wanna talk to you.
Can't we have a talk, huh?
Can't you just sit down over
here? Come on. Come on.
Here, sit in my chair there.
Now, ain't that nice?
I just wanna talk.
Talk.
Well, uh, how was your day?
Fine.
Ain't you gonna ask
me how was my day?
No.
Well, it was lousy.
He tells me anyway.
Listen, I just wanna ask you
one very important question,
and you don't have to be scared
to give me an honest answer.
What?
Are you mad at me?
Yes.
Well, you don't have
to be that honest.
Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! Wait a minute, Edith.
Wait a minute, I wanna... I
wanna tell you somethin' else.
All right. But you know
what I wanna hear.
Listen, I'm takin'
you out to dinner.
That ain't what I wanna hear.
Oh, Edith.
I'm taking you to Hop Sings.
Why?
Why? Hop Sings,
Edith, Hop Sings.
That's our old ren-dez-voos.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Oh, my. This place ain't
changed a bit in all these years.
I think I recognize
that green fly.
Well, all right.
Now, let's see what I'm
gonna order for us here.
I'll order for myself. Oh, sure.
Your tea, sir. Yeah,
thank you very much.
Would you, uh, like
to order now, sir?
Yes, I would like to order
now. Uh, please get this.
I think I'll have the
egg rolls over easy.
And Robert Fu Young
and wonton soup, no starch.
How'd you know I
was gonna say that?
I was your waiter when
you used to come in here.
Hey, that's right. Yeah, I
didn't recognize you at first.
You're the guy... Hey, how come you
ain't got no Chinese accent no more?
I don't need it now.
I own the restaurant.
You see how things go.
You remembered us
after all these years.
Ten cent tippers
you never forget.
Many a guy leaves nothin', huh?
You were always
such a funny man.
Tell me, do you still stick chopsticks
up you nose and bark like a walrus?
You remember that,
too, huh? Good for you.
Well, let me see.
I think we'll have the Golden
Dragon Royal Family special.
I'll have chop suey, please.
Oh, yeah. Well, listen, that
sounds good. I'll have that.
Listen, double up on the chop
suey and kill the Royal Family.
(LAUGHING)
And... And, boss.
Hey, boss, uh...
Uh, bring us the, uh, fortune
cookies now because...
BOTH: I wanna see how
much my bill is going to be.
Hey. He even remembered that.
Yeah, it was nice of
him to remember us.
Oh, well, listen, Edith.
You're easy to remember.
And now I wanna
make a little toast to you.
I wanna thank you for 26
beautiful years of marriage
and being such a loving wife.
And I wanna tell
you somethin' else.
You know that Reverend Fletcher.
Felcher. Whatever.
He didn't have to make
you no Sunshine Girl,
because you was
always my sunshine girl.
What do you think
of this, Archie?
What?
(SMACKING) Easy.
Your fortune cookies.
All right, all right.
Let me see. I'll open mine first to
see what my fortune says about me.
"Big winds come
from empty caves."
Some of these things
don't make no sense at all.
What's yours?
"Labor of the heart brings
a life burstin' with rewards."
I think that means volunteer
work could get you a heart attack.
Archie, guess what? I
ain't a volunteer no more.
No? Oh, I knew it. I knew it.
I knew if I'd brung you
here, you'd see the light.
The home don't want me
to be a volunteer no more.
Terrific, Edith. And, remember,
I ain't keepin' you from
doin' what you wanted to do.
It was them that
give you the boot.
They like my work so
much that startin' tomorrow
they're gonna pay me $2 an hour.
Here's to us, soldier.
MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
Glenn Miller played
♪ Songs that made the hit parade
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
♪ Those were the days
♪ And you knew
where you were then
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man
♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
♪ Didn't need no welfare state
♪ Everybody pulled his weight
BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great
♪ Those were the days ♪
Edith.
I'm home, Edith.
You up there in the library?
Aw, jeez, I hate an empty house.
No beer!
Fifteen minutes after
6:00 and she ain't even...
Who the hell am I calling?
(GROANS)
Time to read some
more tragedies.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, Archie. Oh, my goodness.
When did you come in?
Just before this Road
Runner cartoon started.
Well... Well, dinner will
be a little late. I'm sorry.
I was doing my... my Sunshine
Lady work at the home for the aged.
Ah, jeez, I told you to stay
away from that home, Edith.
You're liable to bring back
some old-time disease.
Oh, Archie, the only disease
them poor people got is old age.
That's your
biggest killer, Edith.
Reverend Felcher says
that us Sunshine Ladies
are bringin' hope
to the hopeless
and cheer to the cheerless.
What about some
beer for the beerless?
Oh, Archie! You know
what happened today?
Mr. Belfield tied his shoelaces.
Big deal. So did I.
But Mr. Belfield is 88 years old
and he ain't tied his
shoelaces for seven years.
But today he did it for me.
Oh, my. All the other
patients started applauding.
I bet they'd bring down the
house if he ever combed his hair.
He don't have none.
But Mr. Belfield got so excited
he knocked the glass off the
table that had his teeth in it.
And when he stooped to
pick it up, his glasses come off,
and I said, "Mr. Belfield,
I'll pick up your teeth."
But he couldn't hear
me 'cause his hearing aid
was in the stem of his glasses,
which was under the bed.
So he got down on his
hands and knees himself.
Oh, and the poor thing,
he could straighten himself
up on account of his arthritis,
so it took me and three other
Sunshine Ladies to lift him into his bed
and flatten him out.
You nearly killed a man
forcing him to tie his shoes.
Oh, no, he was grateful.
And he said he was gonna
tie 'em again tomorrow,
if they don't put
him back on slippers.
Maybe they ought to put him
on roller skates, speed him up.
Oh, Archie, some of
them people are so lonely.
They ain't got nobody.
Their families just
wanna forget they're alive.
Well, I think I
know a certain wife
that wants to forget
her husband is alive.
You didn't even ask
me how was my day.
Oh, how was your day?
Whoa! Finally she
gets around to it.
Well, it wasn't a bad day.
In fact, we had
a million laughs.
You know, Stretch Cunningham, he comes
in this morning, this is what he does.
He goes into the can and he
tapes the roll of towels, see,
in such a way that the roll spins
around but no towels come off.
Now... Oh, Archie!
Guess who went through the
shower today without her walker?
Mrs. Freidman.
And all because I was giving her a pep
talk all week about getting confidence.
I said, "Mrs. Freidman,
"you can go to the shower all
by yourself if you really want to."
And guess what? She did.
Whoop-dee-doo!
Edith, I'm trying to tell
you about my day, here.
Oh, I thought you was finished.
No, I wasn't finished. I didn't
even come to the funny part,
which is when Black
Elmo goes in there
and he starts spinnin'
around the towel roller
but the towels
don't come off, see.
Maybe they forgot to
take the wrapper off.
There was nothing
about a wrapper!
It was all done with
the Scotch tape, Edith,
and it was funny, I
thought. Oh, yeah.
(GIGGLING)
What a lousy laugh.
You know, you're losin' all your sense
of humor goin' over to that old folks home
and working with all them
back numbers over there.
Listen, Edith, when you signed
on as Mrs. A. Bunker 26 years ago,
you signed on for a
permanent job here.
Oh, but, Archie, I
enjoy what I'm doing.
You enjoy diving under a
bed for an old baldo's teeth?
Well, it gives me
a purpose in life.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You got a purpose in life.
Let me tell you something,
Edith. You are my what?
Wife.
Yeah, and we live in a what?
House. Yes.
Now, put them two things
together, what have you got?
Wife house.
No, no, you dingbat! Housewife.
And your purpose is the care
and feedin' of your husband.
And your husband
cares to be fed now.
Dinner, dinner,
dinner. Oh, yeah.
You see it was frozen. You
see it was frozen when I put it in.
Oh, on top of everything else,
she's giving me one of
them embalmed dinners.
Just remember, Edith,
charity begins at home,
and your biggest
charity case is me.
You're away working all day
and so are Mike and Gloria,
and that leaves me all
alone here with nothing to do
and nothing to look forward to.
What're you talkin' about?
You're supposed to look
forward to me comin' home
and tellin' you about my day.
But your days are all the same.
Stretch Cunningham
always does something funny,
like today, he glued the
paper napkins together.
They wasn't paper napkins!
He didn't glue
'em, he scotched...
Stop that when
I'm talking to you.
You gotta quit all of
this Sunshine work.
Any sunshine you got, you
spread over your husband only.
That's it.
(MUMBLES)
That's it.
But, Archie, the time I
spend helpin' old people
don't take no time
away from you.
Well, it makes me think you
don't care about me no more.
Oh, Archie, that ain't true.
(GIBBERING)
Dear Abby says,
"Love ain't how much time
a couple spends together,
"but what they do with their
time they spend together."
Will you control yourself?
We're in the kitchen.
Oh, Archie, see,
what I'm doing is useful
and it makes me feel
like I ain't wastin' my life.
Wait a... Wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Being married to A.
Bunker is wasting your life.
No, Archie! Oh, I love being
with you, Archie Bunker.
But you see, you got
your own work to do.
See, and I got
nothin' and I get bored.
Listen, Edith,
gettin' bored is a very
big part of being married.
Archie, before we was married,
you promised me a life
full of fun and excitement.
No, I ain't promise you nothin'.
Oh, yes, you did. And...
And I got proof of it.
In your own words. I
found some old letters.
Aw, jeez... When I was
helpin' Mike and Gloria move.
You wrote 'em to
me in the service.
Now, listen, don't hold
me to anything in there.
A soldier writes a lot of
things in the heat of battle.
The bombs bustin' in the air and the
stink of death starin' him in the face.
You wrote this from
Fort Riley, Kansas.
And Fort Riley was
pretty stinko, too.
Don't read it to me.
"Dear Edith... She
reads it anyhow.
"I'm sittin' here under
a oak tree in Kansas
"hopin' you are not sittin'
under a apple tree in Queens
"with nobody else but me,
like the song says. Ha... ha."
You put the "Ha...
ha" in capital letters.
That's 'cause it's
supposed to be funny.
You're supposed to laugh there.
Oh. "I..." Why aren't
you laughin' now?
Uh, ha... ha.
"I hope you will be waitin' for
me when I come marchin' home
"and the world is
safe from democracy."
Now, this is the part.
"I want you to walk
with me hand in hand
"into the sea of matrimony.
"And I promise you'll
never have a dull minute
"with your ever-loving Archie."
Oh, what're you tryin' to tell
me? That life now with me is dull?
Archie, when you was
courtin' me, it was lots of fun
and always full of surprises.
Like Friday nights,
you used to take me to that Chinese
restaurant Hop Sings for chow mein.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And you used to give the
waiter them funny orders,
like egg roll over easy.
(CHUCKLES)
And... And Robert Fu Yung. Yeah.
And wonton soup
with no starch in it.
Oh, and then, you always
used to say to the waiter,
"Bring us our
fortune cookies now
"cause I...
BOTH: "Wanna see how
much the bill is gonna be."
That one had 'em
layin' on the floor.
Oh, Archie, you was
always so romantic.
Edith, don't start. I can't
do nothin' when I'm hungry.
Oh, them days was so much fun.
What do you mean by that?
You mean it's no fun now?
Wasn't you just sittin' on
my lap there a minute ago?
Why do you got to go running to the
old people's home lookin' for thrills?
Oh, I ain't lookin'
for thrills, Archie.
It's just that things
ain't the same no more.
The world was better
when it was the same!
I got to be busy
doin' somethin' useful.
What do you mean useful?
Useful, what's useful?
Givin' shoelace lessons? Pushin'
old lady Freidman into the showers?
I'll tell you what's useful.
For a wife, it's
useful to be home.
That's when a wife
is useful. Home.
The problem with the world is
that women ain't home no more.
Let me ask you somethin'
there, Florence Nightingown.
How much are they paying
you for all this Sunshine?
Nothing. Oh, nothin'.
And that's exactly
what it's worth. Nothin'.
'Cause if it was worth somethin',
they'd pay you somethin'.
Now case closed, Edith.
I ain't gettin' paid nothin'
'cause I'm a volunteer.
Well, will you kindly volunteer
to get dinner on that table?
No.
I ain't gettin' dinner on the
table until you take that back.
Take what back? What you
said about my work being nothin'.
It's helpin' people.
And... And I think people
helpin' people is important.
Look at the way
it's got you here.
You're startin' to cry,
dear. Now don't do that.
Edith, you know
I can't take that.
I ain't gonna take it!
Get on the blower here and I'm
gonna call that Reverend Fletcher.
Felcher. Whatever!
And I'm gonna tell him that night
just fell on one of his Sunshine Girls.
Oh, no, no, please
don't do that...
Oh, you d-don't want me to talk to
him. Now, you talk to him yourself.
No, I won't. Edith,
Edith, that was an order.
I ain't takin' no orders.
You ain't what?
I ain't takin' no orders.
I can be a Sunshine
Lady if I wanna be.
(SOBBING)
And I wanna be and I am!
You whipped that
phone out of my hand
and smashed it down like that?
You are in trouble, Edith.
You are in big trouble.
No, you are.
'Cause I ain't gettin'
your dinner on the table
until you take
back what you said!
Well, I ain't takin'
back nothin'!
Let me tell you somethin'.
What I said goes!
And you don't got to get
no dinner on the table for me
'cause I'm goin'
down to Kelcy's.
Oh, no! No, no!
You ain't gonna slam
this door in my face
because this time it's
gonna be your face!
And I'm gonna be the slammer!
ARCHIE: Is that you, sweetheart?
Hey, you ready for your
welcome home kissy?
If you insist, Arch.
Get out of my face, you!
What are you doin'
eavesdrippin' over my house?
Ma asked me to
drop off the cleaning.
Is she coming home?
Well, why don't you ask her?
Because I'm mad at her.
Oh, is that why you came
runnin' down the stairs
for your big welcome home kissy?
I figured she was
gonna apologize.
Arch, what is wrong with Ma
doin' somethin' that she enjoys?
She is supposed to enjoy
here. This house and me.
And not stayin'
overnight with youse two.
Get out of here. Wait
a minute, get over here.
You see this here?
The Holy Bible, buddy.
The Good Book. You
know what it says in there?
It says that a woman should
cleave into her husband.
Right here, in this house, is
where Edith's cleavage belongs.
Is that the Gospel
according to Archie Bunker?
No, buddy, first
chapter of Generous.
I'll tell you something
else the Good Book says.
Man was created first because
he's supposed to be the boss.
And you know why a
woman was created?
'Cause Adam got tired
of dancing with gorillas.
Get away from me!
Arch, you can't force
a woman to stop living.
Give me one sensible reason
why Ma has to be here all day? Ah!
I'll make it easier for you.
Give me one stupid reason.
Suppose we had
goldfish, they'd die.
That's stupid enough. You
wanna know the real reason?
No. You're jealous.
What? That's right.
Oh, what're you talkin' about?
Jealous of an 88-year-old baldo
who hears through
his eye glasses
and loses his teeth
when he ties his shoes?
Arch, you are jealous because
all of Ma's attention isn't on you.
Ah, let me tell you
somethin' here, Professor.
When you've been sailin'
the ragin' seas of matrimonials
as long as me,
you'll understand that a
husband is the captain of the ship
and a wife is a deckhand.
And when a husband, the captain
says, "Shove up," the deckhand shoves.
You better be careful that the deckhand
doesn't tell you to shove your ship.
Are you back?
Gloria wants a loaf of bread.
You want me to
get it, Ma? I'll get it.
Well, I could sure
go for a cold beer.
Then go for it.
Hey, uh, Captain,
when are you gonna tell
the deckhand to shove off?
When are you gonna shove off?
Don't I get a goodbye kissy?
Get out of here and
don't you come back!
Wait, wait. Wait, wait a
minute. Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I... I wanna tell you somethin'.
What?
I hung up the dry cleaning.
Wait! Wait a minute,
I wanna talk to you.
Can't we have a talk, huh?
Can't you just sit down over
here? Come on. Come on.
Here, sit in my chair there.
Now, ain't that nice?
I just wanna talk.
Talk.
Well, uh, how was your day?
Fine.
Ain't you gonna ask
me how was my day?
No.
Well, it was lousy.
He tells me anyway.
Listen, I just wanna ask you
one very important question,
and you don't have to be scared
to give me an honest answer.
What?
Are you mad at me?
Yes.
Well, you don't have
to be that honest.
Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! Wait a minute, Edith.
Wait a minute, I wanna... I
wanna tell you somethin' else.
All right. But you know
what I wanna hear.
Listen, I'm takin'
you out to dinner.
That ain't what I wanna hear.
Oh, Edith.
I'm taking you to Hop Sings.
Why?
Why? Hop Sings,
Edith, Hop Sings.
That's our old ren-dez-voos.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Oh, my. This place ain't
changed a bit in all these years.
I think I recognize
that green fly.
Well, all right.
Now, let's see what I'm
gonna order for us here.
I'll order for myself. Oh, sure.
Your tea, sir. Yeah,
thank you very much.
Would you, uh, like
to order now, sir?
Yes, I would like to order
now. Uh, please get this.
I think I'll have the
egg rolls over easy.
And Robert Fu Young
and wonton soup, no starch.
How'd you know I
was gonna say that?
I was your waiter when
you used to come in here.
Hey, that's right. Yeah, I
didn't recognize you at first.
You're the guy... Hey, how come you
ain't got no Chinese accent no more?
I don't need it now.
I own the restaurant.
You see how things go.
You remembered us
after all these years.
Ten cent tippers
you never forget.
Many a guy leaves nothin', huh?
You were always
such a funny man.
Tell me, do you still stick chopsticks
up you nose and bark like a walrus?
You remember that,
too, huh? Good for you.
Well, let me see.
I think we'll have the Golden
Dragon Royal Family special.
I'll have chop suey, please.
Oh, yeah. Well, listen, that
sounds good. I'll have that.
Listen, double up on the chop
suey and kill the Royal Family.
(LAUGHING)
And... And, boss.
Hey, boss, uh...
Uh, bring us the, uh, fortune
cookies now because...
BOTH: I wanna see how
much my bill is going to be.
Hey. He even remembered that.
Yeah, it was nice of
him to remember us.
Oh, well, listen, Edith.
You're easy to remember.
And now I wanna
make a little toast to you.
I wanna thank you for 26
beautiful years of marriage
and being such a loving wife.
And I wanna tell
you somethin' else.
You know that Reverend Fletcher.
Felcher. Whatever.
He didn't have to make
you no Sunshine Girl,
because you was
always my sunshine girl.
What do you think
of this, Archie?
What?
(SMACKING) Easy.
Your fortune cookies.
All right, all right.
Let me see. I'll open mine first to
see what my fortune says about me.
"Big winds come
from empty caves."
Some of these things
don't make no sense at all.
What's yours?
"Labor of the heart brings
a life burstin' with rewards."
I think that means volunteer
work could get you a heart attack.
Archie, guess what? I
ain't a volunteer no more.
No? Oh, I knew it. I knew it.
I knew if I'd brung you
here, you'd see the light.
The home don't want me
to be a volunteer no more.
Terrific, Edith. And, remember,
I ain't keepin' you from
doin' what you wanted to do.
It was them that
give you the boot.
They like my work so
much that startin' tomorrow
they're gonna pay me $2 an hour.
Here's to us, soldier.
MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape
before a live audience.